- 1 day ago
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00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:30Why do only fours and horses work
00:33La la la, la la la la, la la la la
00:38La la la la, la la la, la la la
00:42La la la la, la la la
00:44Oi, Albert, come on, a cup of tea out here for you
00:53All right, son
00:54All right
01:00They've been playing cheat all night and they still haven't come up with a winner
01:03That sounds most entertaining
01:04I'll have you the song in just a moment
01:23There we are
01:36Right, now then
01:38Here we go
01:40There we are, sweetheart
01:41There's nothing like a nice cup of darjeeling to start the day
01:44That's my motto
01:45Thanks
01:46So, what are you up to today then?
01:52Oh, nothing much
01:52I'm just going to sit around and try and learn this
01:54Yeah, yeah
01:55I wish I'd never agreed to this audition in the first place
01:58I'll never get the part anyway
01:59Hey, come on, you're giving up before you've even started
02:01You don't know how nervous I get at auditions
02:04Oh, you'll be terrific
02:05Remember the old saying, eh?
02:08She who dares
02:10Wins
02:13You say so, dar
02:16Yep
02:17You know, you're the only one who's ever really given me any encouragement
02:19My ex-husband used to laugh at me
02:22To him, ambition, dreams and wonderful things were a waste of time
02:26Never lose sight of your dreams, sweetheart
02:29Well, I've always said, never lose sight of your dreams
02:32Do you know, when I was 18
02:34I said by the time I was 21 I was going to be a millionaire
02:37Really?
02:38Yeah
02:39Then when I was 21 I said, I'll be a millionaire by the time I was 30
02:43And then when I was 30, do you want to jam me dodger?
02:48Lovely
02:48I've never told anyone this, but do you remember when I was in America for a while?
02:55Mm-hmm
02:55Well, while I was there, they were putting on AIDA at the Met
02:58Mm-hmm
02:59So I applied for a part in it
03:01Well, I didn't get it
03:02There were union problems and I wasn't very good
03:04But for a while my head was filled with big theatres
03:08You know, New York
03:09Broadway
03:11All that
03:13Stupid
03:15No!
03:17Not stupid at all, sweetheart
03:18Not stupid at all
03:19Because you had a go, didn't you?
03:20That's the most important thing
03:22You had a go
03:23Anyway
03:23I reckon it was all for the best
03:25How?
03:26Well
03:28AIDA at the Met
03:30I can't see you playing a policewoman
03:32Perhaps you're right
03:38Although I wouldn't have had to do much research
03:41My husband was a policeman
03:42He was a cop
03:45Cop
03:46Penny
03:47Yeah, didn't I ever say it?
03:48No, you did not
03:49You never told me that
03:50Oh, dear
03:51Have you seen much of him?
03:54Have you seen him at all?
03:55No, I haven't seen him for years and years
03:57Why?
03:58Me? Nothing
03:59No, I'm just curious, that's all
04:00Just curious
04:01Oh, dear
04:03You never told me that
04:05You better explain yourself
04:07Am I interrupting anything?
04:10No
04:11Oh, well
04:13Better luck next time
04:14All right
04:15See you later
04:16Yeah, all right
04:16Hey, listen
04:17I'm going round your flat this morning
04:19Do your front door
04:20Now, have you seen Cassandra since she got back?
04:23No
04:23Why don't you ask to meet her?
04:25Talk things over quietly between yourselves
04:26Well, if she wants to make the first move, fine
04:29Other than that, me time
04:30Well, is there a message that I can give her from you?
04:34Yes, I ask to the Vesta
04:36Vesta?
04:39That's a ball-in-the-bag curry, isn't it?
04:42That's honest
04:42Ball-in-the-bag curry?
04:46Well, I thought it was
04:48You didn't do any shopping today then, Albert?
05:00No, that cup of tea I had this board made me feel a bit rough
05:03I thought you were doing a shopping now
05:09I've been to lunch with my agent
05:11I wish I'd make a bag in the fridge
05:13Dale doesn't like fried food
05:15No, yeah
05:17Well, I'm sorry
05:18It'll have to be egg and bacon
05:19Oh, well
05:20That's the way it goes
05:21Four rations for me, please
05:23Oh, by the way
05:26Here, when's that audition of yours?
05:28It's tomorrow
05:28Tomorrow?
05:30I'm auditioning for Rosalind
05:31What should you do?
05:32The part of Rosalind
05:34I've got to learn the whole of Act 3 scene too by tomorrow morning
05:37I mean, how the hell am I going to do that?
05:38Don't worry about that, I'll help you
05:40How do you mean?
05:41I'll rehearse with you
05:42You know, I'll read all the other parts
05:44So you can get used to it
05:45You?
05:46Yes, me
05:47I used to do a bit of acting when I was at school
05:50Bloody good I was and all
05:51Yeah
05:51All right then, thanks
05:52I'll get the dinner on
05:53Here
05:54You used to act at school?
05:56Oh, yeah
05:56I was in the nativity play
05:59Yeah, played the landlord
06:01Should have seen me
06:04There was little Del boy, you know, strutting about
06:06And then there was this knock at the door
06:08Like, you know
06:09Someone answered at the door
06:10I said
06:10I'm sorry, there's no room at the inn
06:12Really, that old Joseph
06:14Like he persuaded me
06:15To let him kip in the stable
06:16I tried to charge him one and six for the night
06:20I got the cane for that
06:22Those were the days, weren't they?
06:25Those were the days
06:25Hey, Rodney
06:26No, no, Rodney
06:27No, uh-uh
06:28Ring the doorbell
06:28Ring the doorbell
06:30I've got the cane
06:32No, just ring the doorbell
06:33All right
06:35Viva France
06:48Hey
06:50What is that thing?
06:52Brilliant, isn't it?
06:53Brilliant
06:53It's my musical door chimes there
06:55Do you know they play 36 different national anthems?
06:5836 different national anthems?
06:59You are kidding, aren't you?
07:01I ain't kidding, Raquel
07:02I can see it in his eyes
07:03How do you know they're genuine national anthems?
07:06Of course, they've written on the box here
07:07Look, what can't speak can't lie
07:09Well, I've seen nothing in the Olympic Games
07:11I ain't heard half the tunes this time plays
07:13Yeah, I know
07:14But how many gold medals has Fiji and Borneo won?
07:17But you see, if they had, you know
07:19In the Olympics, pearl diving
07:21And put in the shrunken head
07:22What?
07:24You would have heard their national anthems, wouldn't you?
07:29Yeah, talking of shrunken heads
07:30Rodney, I want a word with you
07:31Yeah, what is it?
07:34Uh, listen to me
07:36I was round your place today
07:37Right, fitting a new front door
07:39And I had a little chat with Cassandra
07:41And I think she's had a change of heart
07:43Oh, yeah?
07:44What makes you think that?
07:44Well, because I had a little chat with her
07:46And she said to me that
07:47She still loves you
07:50Very, very deeply
07:52Cassandra said that?
07:54Mm-hmm
07:55Yeah, so much so that she
07:56Well, she asked me
07:58To ask you if you'd be prepared to meet her tonight
08:02Where?
08:03Well, I don't know
08:04Some...
08:05Where is it?
08:05Some little, uh...
08:07Little, uh...
08:08Restaurant whooping way, I think it is
08:09I don't know
08:09Well, that's not Cassandra's writing
08:11That's my writing, that is, isn't it?
08:13I mean, she just told me
08:14I wrote it down on a bit of paper, that's all
08:16There you go
08:17What do you reckon?
08:17What do you reckon, eh?
08:19Yeah
08:19Well, because, you know
08:21I ain't got nothing better to do
08:22No, good boy
08:23Lovely jubbly
08:24I hope she don't think
08:25She can buy me a bottle of wine
08:26And walk straight back in my lifetime
08:27No
08:28I don't think she means that, Rodney
08:30I don't think she does
08:31Because I think she wants to woo again
08:33Yeah
08:33Anyway, she booked the table for 7.30
08:37Right
08:38So, look at the time now
08:39Come on, you better get your skates on
08:40Cool, yeah
08:40Better have a shower
08:41Yeah
08:41Thanks, Bill
08:43What are you thanking me for?
08:44I was just a messenger boy, wasn't I?
08:47I feel sort of nervous
08:48Nervous?
08:49What are you going to be nervous about?
08:50She's your wife
08:51Yeah
08:52Yeah, I'd just be myself, eh?
08:54No, try to make an impression, Rodney
08:55Yeah, yeah, you're right
08:58Right
09:01Well, are you going out tonight, then?
09:02Yeah, I've got to go down to Nags Head
09:04Because Mike and Trigger
09:05Want to buy one of my musical doorbells
09:07Oh
09:07Would you want me to drop it off at the pub on my way out?
09:10No, no, no
09:10I've got to go, Rodney
09:11I mean, I've got to go
09:12Because at the moment
09:13Mike and Trigger don't know
09:14They want to buy one of my musical doorbells
09:16Yeah, no, no
09:17Come in back
09:18And I'm going to help Raquel rehearse her play
09:19Oh, yeah
09:20Mm
09:21You are rehearsing a play?
09:24Yeah
09:24Yeah
09:25Raquel's up for some audition
09:26That's right
09:27One of Shakespeare's famous plays
09:29Mm
09:30And you are rehearsing it with her?
09:33Yeah
09:33Oh, can't you do it now
09:35Before I go out?
09:37No
09:37Oh, please
09:39I could do with her luck
09:39You know, see how it's all done
09:42You don't understand, Rodney
09:44You don't understand, do you, eh?
09:45I mean, you can't expect
09:47An actress of Raquel's collider
09:49Just to start rehearsing that
09:50And drop of an act
09:50No
09:51She's got to search for her character, you see
09:55And it's all about motivation
09:57It's all about thought
09:59And sensitivity
10:00And that takes time, Rodney
10:03See, that takes time
10:05And apart from that
10:07She's only just put the rushes in the pan
10:09Brilliant, isn't it, eh?
10:26Brilliant
10:26Brilliant
10:26No more of that Avon calling cobblers
10:29You know, this guy
10:31So you know the old Stars and Stripes
10:32You expect me to have one of them things on my front door?
10:35You're keen, I can tell
10:36Del
10:37They are cheap and tacky
10:39I've got one on my front door
10:41You most probably have
10:44You need a brain bypass to have one of them things fitted
10:46How much are you selling them for, Del?
10:51Well, funny you should say that, Treat
10:52Because they normally retail at £36
10:55But you can have it for £13.50 including baptism fitting
11:01Go on in, I'll have one
11:03Good boy, you know it makes sense
11:04Oh my God
11:08I thought you'd banned laughing in this pub
11:10With that sort, I have
11:13See them two blokes over there
11:14Yeah
11:15They've been plying her with drinks in six o'clock
11:17I think they're a bit fed up with it now
11:19Really?
11:20Would you call her a cab?
11:24Yeah, something like that
11:25No, no
11:27Would you phone for a minicab?
11:29The lady wants to go to Battersea
11:31Oh yeah, yeah
11:32You leave that to me, mate
11:33You see, I've got an understanding with British Telecom
11:35I'll make a phone call
11:37And they charge me for it
11:38I'm sorry, I apologise for him, sir
11:42It's his religion
11:43He's an orthodox tight arse
11:45How's it going, Trigg?
11:49Alright
11:50I went down to my sister's house at the weekend
11:53It was her 47th birthday
11:54Oh, yeah
11:55Wait a minute, hang on
11:57Your sister's five years younger than you
12:00That'd make her 39
12:01I know
12:02When she's a typical woman
12:04She lies about her age
12:05That's a family
12:11Oh, mustard, mustard
12:12Raquel's boning up for an audition for a new play
12:15It's, uh, As United by Shakespeare
12:18Yeah?
12:18Yeah
12:18Would it be on telly?
12:19No, no, no
12:20Not this particular one
12:21It won't probably be in a
12:22Like in a West End
12:23Something like that
12:24I hope she don't change
12:25Raquel, why should she change?
12:27Well, they start mixing with all them posh actors
12:29And the next thing you know
12:30They changed
12:31No, not my Raquel
12:33My sister went out with an actor once
12:35She played a cat in Puss and Boots
12:37She suddenly thought she was more intelligent
12:41Than the rest of the family
12:42Yeah, but if you remember, Trigg
12:45You had the same problem
12:46With your goldfish
12:47Didn't you?
12:49Work it out, Trigg
12:50I'll be back in a minute
12:51I'll be back in a minute
12:52I'll be back in a minute
12:53I'll be back in a minute
12:54I'll be back in a minute
12:54I'll be back in a minute
12:55Hello, sweetheart
12:55Hey!
12:56Excuse me
12:57How are you?
13:01How's the little baby?
13:02Oh, he's lovely
13:03He's up there with Boyce
13:05Oh, yeah
13:06Hello, Boycey
13:07Good evening, Derek
13:08Yeah, just saying hello to Marlene
13:09Yes, I noticed you approaching my wife
13:12And shaking her warmly by the Harris
13:14Shut up, you miserable old sod
13:18He's just having a laugh
13:19Yeah, he's just having a giggle, that's all
13:20Yeah, come on, let me buy a drink
13:22What do you want?
13:22I'll have a large cognac
13:23Marlene will have an orange juice
13:25She's just about to drive my son back home
13:27Okay
13:28Michael, can I have a small orange
13:30Small cognac
13:32And my special, please?
13:33Hey, Bill, look
13:33We've got some pictures of the baby here
13:35Oh, yeah
13:35Look
13:36Oh, he's champion, isn't he, sweetheart?
13:39Yes, he's got my eyes, hasn't he?
13:41No, his eyes are all warm and smiley
13:43So are mine
13:46My mum always said you had vampire eyes
13:49Yeah, well, she should know the old bat
13:52No, no, no, no, no
13:56I'll tell you what, though
13:57He's got my eyes
13:58Definitely my eyes
13:59What are you?
14:00Oh, look at that
14:01I never noticed that
14:01Mike, he's got your mouth, look
14:02That is your mouth
14:04That is Rodney's nose
14:06If ever I've seen that
14:08What are you saying?
14:12I mean, honest
14:14I mean, what are you talking about?
14:15I ain't talking of Rodney
14:16How is he now?
14:17Oh, he's alright, sweetheart
14:18He's fine
14:19Yeah, he's taking Cassandra out tonight
14:21You know, trying to patch things up
14:23Oh, good
14:24I suppose you've missed him, eh, Del?
14:26Yeah, good
14:26Rodney
14:27Oh
14:28I mean, you must have missed him
14:30When he left your partnership
14:32Oh, yeah
14:32I miss him like George Michael
14:34Mrs Andrew Ridgely
14:36That woman is as soppy
14:53As the lorry load of monkeys
14:55You know, I got home this evening
14:57And discovered some salesman
14:59Flogged her a doorbell
15:00That plays 36 national anthem
15:02I've got one of them
15:05Yes, I'd have put money on that trip
15:08The difference is
15:10I live in a mock Georgian mansion
15:12On Kings Avenue
15:13And our neighbours
15:14Are not going to appreciate
15:15Being awoken by the sound
15:17Of long-lived Swaziland
15:18Every time the milkman calls
15:19Oh, he still calls round then
15:22Does he?
15:24I'm on phone now, boys
15:25Don't be too late
15:26No, I'll be about an hour
15:28You'll know it's me
15:29I'll play Mexico forever
15:30On the front door
15:31Wave goodbye to you, Daddy
15:36I am not in love
15:44But I'm open to persuasion
15:50East or west
15:54Where's the bed
15:57For a message
16:00Hi
16:00So
16:13How was Spain?
16:15Oh, you know
16:16Okay
16:17Good
16:19Did you do anything interesting?
16:22No, not really
16:22It was just Mummy and I
16:24At the villa
16:24To be honest
16:26It was a bit boring
16:27Can you imagine?
16:31No, I didn't mean
16:32Being in your mother's company
16:33Was boring
16:33Because she's not
16:34A boring person
16:35I know what you meant
16:37Good
16:38Excuse me
16:40Do you want a glass
16:42Or something?
16:42I have the same as you
16:43Well, it's mineral water
16:44That makes a nice change
16:46I heard you've been
16:47Drinking heavily
16:48Heavily
16:52Silly
16:53Can I have a glass
16:56Of mineral water, please?
16:58I think your father
16:59Was exaggerating slightly
17:00Cassandra
17:00Daddy didn't tell me
17:02It was Del
17:03Yeah, well
17:05Maybe I did go
17:06A bit overboard
17:07You know
17:08When we
17:08When we left each other
17:10You mean when you left me?
17:12Same thing
17:13No, it isn't
17:14I didn't go anywhere, Roddy
17:16I was at the flat
17:17Waiting for you
17:18You just didn't come home
17:19Yeah, well
17:21We came here
17:22To discuss these things
17:23Didn't we?
17:23Not to argue
17:24You started it
17:25I didn't
17:26I came home
17:29When you was on holiday
17:30And I found you
17:30Changed the locks
17:31On the front door
17:32Yeah, well
17:33I should have told you
17:34But that was no reason
17:35To kick the door in
17:36I didn't kick the door in
17:38I just sort of
17:39Yeah, Mum
17:40I'm sorry
17:41Why did you go back there?
17:45I wanted to surprise you
17:47You did surprise me
17:48I didn't expect to come home
17:49To find my husband
17:50Who'd kick the front door in
17:51Look, I've got just as much right
18:00To enter that flat
18:01As you, Cassandra
18:02We have got a joint mortgage
18:04Remember
18:04From the bank
18:06And what about that girl
18:08You took out?
18:09I didn't take any girl out
18:11You asked a girl out
18:13That was just to make you jealous
18:15It was a stupid idea
18:16And I never went through with it
18:18Although at this moment in time
18:20It strikes me as being
18:21One of my better moves
18:22But this is obviously
18:23Going to be a total waste
18:24Of a good evening
18:25Just think of all the more
18:26Interesting things
18:27I could be doing
18:28Like washing my hair
18:29And what about me?
18:31I passed up the chance
18:32To watch Dell
18:33Rehearse a Shakespeare play
18:34People would pay a fortune
18:36For something like that
18:37And I'd have had it for nothing
18:38I came here this evening
18:40Hoping that you and I
18:41Could find some common ground
18:42On which to base our future
18:44But it's pointless
18:45I'm glad I found out
18:47This early on in our marriage
18:48What you're really like
18:49Your drinking
18:50Your bouts of violence
18:52God, I can just imagine
18:54My future with someone like you
18:55You really are the silliest
18:57Pettiest
18:58Most childish person
18:59I ever had the misfortune to marry
19:01You fancy me, don't you?
19:07No, I don't
19:09Yes, you do
19:10Give me a little flirt, yeah
19:12I hate you
19:15I wanted this to be serious
19:17I wanted to really tear into you
19:19Oh, so that's why
19:20You asked to meet me
19:21I asked to meet you
19:22You must be joking, Roddy
19:24You're the one that did the asking
19:25No, Dell come home
19:27And he said you'd asked to meet me
19:29And you'd suggested this venue
19:31Rodney, Derek brought a message round from you
19:34He said you wanted to meet in this res...
19:37Dell
19:40Dell
19:42Cute
19:46So now what do we do?
19:52I don't know
19:59Fancy showing me your tan?
20:01Yeah
20:01Can I take you all the same?
20:05No, I've lost me appetite
20:06Same here
20:07That's the new key
20:13I've got to go round to Mummy and Daddy's
20:16I've left some of my clothes at their house
20:18Won't be too long, will you?
20:21About an hour or so
20:22Do you remember your way home?
20:25I remember
20:25In case you get confused
20:27We've got a new front door
20:28Well, I'll see you in bed in about half an hour
20:35Simply
20:38Michael!
20:54Gonna have trouble with that one, Michael
20:56Yeah, don't I know it
20:57The sooner that minicab arrives, the better
20:59Disgusting, isn't it?
21:01It's disgusting
21:02I like a lady to be a lady, you know what I mean?
21:05I can't stand a woman being drunk
21:07Staggering around a pub
21:08Dropping her crisps all over the place
21:09You know what I mean?
21:10I remember your mum
21:11Who have you been by that tree?
21:16She was a lady, wasn't she?
21:18Oh
21:18Oh, yeah
21:19My mum was a lady
21:22You know
21:23Do you know she was the first woman in Peckham
21:25To smoke menthol cigarettes?
21:30Oh, God
21:31Look at the state of that
21:33I wouldn't be seen dead with that
21:35Let alone admit knowing it
21:37Oh, dear
21:38Daryl!
21:39Oh!
21:46Oh, blimey
21:47How are you, darling?
21:52Oh, trippy
21:55Trippy
21:55Yeah
21:56How long's it been, then?
22:01How long's what been?
22:03Since we last saw each other
22:05Have we met?
22:09You don't remember me, do you?
22:11No, I don't
22:11It's Trudy
22:13Trudy?
22:15Trudy?
22:15Were we engaged?
22:17Oh, yes
22:18You ain't half changed, sweetheart
22:21Well, then, we all love it
22:22Look, hang on a minute, hang on
22:24I'll just go and get me through
22:25I've gone right off that hot dog, Mike
22:30Daryl!
22:33Daryl!
22:34We made it up
22:34You and Cassie will be back together
22:36Well done, brother
22:37Yeah, great
22:38There's a minicab outside for somebody
22:40Yeah, that'll be for your ex-fiancée, Derek
22:43Get her out, will you?
22:47All right, Mike, give us a minute
22:47Will you give me a minute?
22:48Oi, Daryl, it's not another old fiancé, is he?
22:51Yeah, I'm sorry, Rodney
22:52I was very young at the time
22:53Cassandra, she's not out there in a van, is she?
22:56No, no, she's gone round to her mum and dad's place
22:58to pick something up
22:58I'll just come round and tell you
22:59I won't be home tonight
23:01What you mean is, Rodney, what you mean
23:02is you will be home tonight
23:04Yeah
23:05Yeah, my real own, eh?
23:06That's right
23:07Well, um, there's your key
23:09Oh, right, sure
23:10And thanks for having me
23:11Oh, Rodney, come on
23:13It's a pleasure
23:14Cassandra didn't ask to make me, did she?
23:19No
23:19I lied
23:21You're a conniving gate, isn't she?
23:25It worked, though, didn't it, eh?
23:29Oi, Daryl
23:30I've just seen Raquel and Albert getting off the bus
23:32Raquel? Raquel's coming in here?
23:34Yes
23:34She can't see me with that true, do you know?
23:36Jealousy, dear
23:37So, Daryl
23:37Look out
23:38Daryl
23:38Yes
23:39Tell me everything that's been at me, maybe
23:42Well, I
23:43Well, I'd love to, sweetheart
23:46But your cab has just arrived
23:47Oh, look, look, Daryl
23:48Why don't you come back to my place
23:51And we can talk about old times
23:53No, I'd love to, sweetheart
23:56I'd love to
23:56But, you see, I've got to stay here
23:57And talk some business with these gentlemen, you see
24:00Rodney, will you escort this lady to her cab?
24:02Yes, there you go
24:03I'll see you then, Daryl
24:05Right, sweetheart
24:05Here, Daryl
24:06Should you come in this pub often, then?
24:09No, no, no
24:10I've never been in here before in my life, have I, Mike?
24:12That's right
24:12Pop on in, Daryl
24:15Bye, bye, sweetheart
24:15Bye
24:16Bye
24:17Oh, lovely
24:18Oh, is that my car?
24:23Is this a red car?
24:24It's my car, isn't it?
24:25It's lovely
24:26Let me get
24:26Oh, no, Rodney, I'll stay with
24:28You're all right, you'll be all right
24:31Mate, you know the door
24:32Yes, oh, they're like
24:33Oh, this is my car
24:35What do you mean if I can't have it over here?
24:41Bye
24:42Cassie
24:42Cassie
24:47Cassie
24:47Cassie, unlock the door
25:01Cass, we've got to talk
25:06Look Cass, that bird was nothing to do with me
25:10She was some old sort, Del was engaged two years ago
25:13Well Cass, at least let's talk
25:16Cassie
25:18Cass
25:31By no means sir, time travels in divers places with divers persons
25:41I'll tell you who time ambles with all, who time trots with all
25:45Who time gallops with all, and who he stands still with all
25:48That's it, bloody good, bloody good Raquel
25:50Orlando
25:51Orlando
25:52Oh right, oh yes
25:53Oi Privy, who duff he trot with all
26:00What are you doing?
26:02I'm acting
26:02No, don't, just read it
26:05All right
26:06It's all right
26:09My privy, who duff he trot with all, is that all right?
26:13Yes
26:13Mary, he trots hard with a young maid between the contract of her marriage
26:17And the day it is solemnised
26:19For if the interim be but a senite
26:22Time's pace is so hard
26:24That it seems the length
26:26Of
26:27Of seven years
26:28When you gotta lure this by
26:30Tomorrow morning
26:31Oh Deli's right, I'm gonna make a real mess of this audition
26:37No you're not sweetheart, no you're not
26:39She's gonna be terrific, isn't she Albert?
26:40Of course you are
26:41And if you're not, what have you lost?
26:43What do you mean what have I lost?
26:44Well it's only a bunch of Nancy actors doing a play
26:47Which no one can make it in the tail of
26:49There, that makes you feel much better, doesn't it
26:53You dozy old twonk
26:56This is authentic culture, this duff is
26:58You just shut your gob, will ya?
27:01Shall we continue, sweetheart?
27:02You sure you don't mind doing this?
27:04No, of course I don't
27:05I mean, I'm enjoying myself
27:06This is a blinding play
27:07Thanks
27:08Shall we start at the beginning?
27:09No, let's go on a bit, shall we?
27:10Just move on
27:11Saved by the doorbell
27:16What are you doing now?
27:23I thought you were staying at your own place tonight
27:25We've broken up
27:26You...
27:26You've broken up?
27:29What are you talking about?
27:32You've only been together an hour
27:33What happened?
27:35She saw me standing outside the nags head
27:38With my arm around bloody Trudy
27:40You had your arm around another woman?
27:42Well no wonder she's thrown you out, sir
27:44You're right, doesn't it, Rodney?
27:45Well Trudy was nothing to do with me
27:47She was the old sort of...
27:48Adele was...
27:49She was...
27:51She...
27:53She...
27:58Just a friend
27:59Oh, just a friend, eh?
28:02How many times have I heard that?
28:07I've got no pity for you
28:09In fact, you disgust me
28:10Wouldn't do you any harm
28:11To take a leaf out of Adele's book
28:13Yeah
28:16I'm going to study this in the bedroom
28:18All right, sweetheart
28:19I'll see you a little later
28:21Don't you look at me in that tone of voice, Rodney
28:26How was I to know that Cassandra would see you?
28:29And anyway, what was she doing with your arm around Trudy?
28:31Stopping her from falling flat on her bloody face
28:33Do you reckon Cassandra would tell her dead?
28:36No, no, no
28:37She'll keep it personal between her and Rodney
28:39Here off
28:44Away you go
28:45Er...
28:47Trotters International Traders, PLC
28:50Oh, hello, Alan
28:52Don't say I'm in
28:53Er, no, sorry
28:54He's not in
28:55No, don't say I'm out
28:56Don't you just say don't say...
28:58Oh, no, sorry
28:59I mean he's not in the room
28:59He's in the bathroom
29:01Yeah
29:03All right
29:04No, I'll take a message, yeah
29:05Yep, okay
29:08All right, Alan
29:09TTFN then, bye
29:10I want to see you in work tomorrow, first thing
29:15Oh, God
29:16It's all right, Rodney
29:17It's all right
29:17Don't worry
29:18It's probably something to do with the business, that's all
29:20Anyway, I'm going to go off and help Raquel rehearse her play
29:24Now, if you hear any funny noises, right
29:27Don't worry
29:28Because it'll be me rehearsing my speech for Edging Court
29:31Well, that's it, innit
29:34Alan is going to sack me
29:37Can't sack you
29:38Well, of course he can
29:40He owns a firm, doesn't he
29:41That printing shop of his is overloaded with work
29:43He's got orders coming out of his ears
29:45Everyone's working overtime and weekends
29:47So what are you saying?
29:49He'll wait till the rush is over
29:50During the war
29:51Oh, no, Unc, please
29:52Not the U-boat and the field again
29:55We docked him the letter on our way to Greece
29:57We had our chief communications officer on board
30:00Puppy Fox
30:01It's a funny name for a ship, ain't it?
30:05That was the officer's name
30:06Now, Tubby, old Tubby, he'd like to live it up once in a while
30:10And one night he was on duty
30:12And the captain come in in the radio room
30:15And caught him with a Maltese girl in one hand
30:17And a bottle of gin with the other
30:18Put him under arrest and started court-martial proceedings
30:22Albert, is there any point to this story?
30:24Or are you just rambling?
30:25The Navy had a wartime rule
30:28Only commissioned officers were allowed to control the radio room
30:32Yeah, you're just rambling
30:33Now, Tubby Fox was the only communications officer on board
30:37So you know what he did?
30:39I don't care what he did
30:40He resigned his commission, which meant...
30:43I don't know!
30:44Which meant the ship couldn't sail
30:46The captain had no choice but to refuse to accept Tubby's resignation
30:51Once he'd done that, he couldn't proceed with the court-martial
30:54It was checkmate
30:56I see
30:57So they needed him more than he needed them
31:01Exactly
31:01What I'm trying to say is
31:04Realise your own importance
31:06Tubby Fox did and he went on to command his own submarine hunter
31:09Yeah
31:11You're right
31:13Cheers, Uncle
31:15Yeah
31:16He died in Palermo Harbour
31:21Dropped a depth charge in nine foot of water
31:26Cheers, Uncle
31:28Cheers, Uncle
31:56Oi, Rodney!
32:19Alan, there's a letter for you waiting on the desk.
32:26Yeah, yeah, I'll deal with you later. I wanted to see you.
32:30Yeah, Dale said you wanted to see me.
32:32Look, um, you know that lunch we had with Ron Carey from the Harvey's mail order people?
32:37Oh, yeah, vaguely. That was months ago.
32:39Well, we got the contract.
32:42You're kidding.
32:43A three-year deal. We do all their junk mail, all their catalogues and all their office stationery.
32:48Well, that's massive.
32:49You're telling me?
32:50I think we can safely say we'll be having roast turkey again this Christmas.
32:54Yeah, but how are we going to handle it?
32:55We've barely got the staff or the room to cope with our present workload.
32:58We take on more staff and we move to a bigger workshop.
33:01That's what I wanted to see you about. I've been looking at some new premises.
33:04I'd like you to see them.
33:07Well, where are they?
33:09You know that new industrial estate out at Nunhead?
33:13Alan, about last night.
33:15Last night?
33:17Yeah.
33:18You know, what happened with me and Cassandra.
33:20Oh, that!
33:21Well, needless to say, Pam and I were delighted with the news.
33:24Delighted?
33:25Well, Cassandra came home and told us you were back together.
33:28Oh, yeah.
33:29Well, I wanted to talk to you about what happened after that.
33:32Rodney.
33:33I'm a man of the world, but I'm also Cassandra's father.
33:38I don't want to know what happened after that.
33:41Do you know what I mean?
33:42Yeah.
33:43It's...
33:44It's...
33:45It's...
33:46It's...
33:47It's...
33:48Group F.
33:49It's all right, sweetheart?
33:50What are you doing here?
33:51Hmm?
33:52Oh, well, er...
33:53You know, I'll just happen to be passing.
33:54I thought I'd pop in and give you a lift home.
33:55Er, Del, this is Adrian.
33:56He's the director.
33:57Er, Adrian, this is Derek.
33:58He's, er...
33:59He's a friend.
34:00Oh, pleased to meet you.
34:01Yeah, and you, eh?
34:02They're new.
34:03Yeah.
34:04Yeah.
34:05Yeah.
34:06Yeah.
34:07Yeah.
34:08Yeah.
34:09Yeah.
34:10Yeah.
34:11Yeah.
34:12Yeah.
34:13Yeah.
34:14Yeah.
34:15Yeah.
34:16Yeah.
34:17Yeah.
34:18Yeah.
34:19Yeah.
34:20Yeah.
34:21Yeah.
34:22Yeah.
34:23Yeah.
34:24Yeah.
34:25Yeah.
34:26Yeah.
34:27So, how'd she do?
34:28What, the audition?
34:29Yeah.
34:30Very well.
34:31Cushty.
34:32Cushty.
34:33They can't be back, can they?
34:34I told you'd be no trouble.
34:35You shouldn't ask questions like that.
34:36Oh, shut up, you're too picky.
34:37That's your problem.
34:38So, er, what can I get you?
34:39Er, small dry sherry, please, Adrian.
34:41Yeah, er, same here.
34:43Right.
34:44Er, I'll have a key.
34:47So, er, are you, er, in the business, Derek?
34:49No, no, no.
34:50No, I'm, er, I'm importer, exporter.
34:53I deal in fine antiques, quality objet d'art, mobile telephones, that's all the things.
34:59Which, whilst we're on the subject, Adrian, I hadn't been doing a very nice line in computerised
35:05communication systems, which I believe would be right up your street.
35:10It's a musical doorbell.
35:13See, what happens, when you press the button...
35:15Darren, er, this is Jules.
35:16Oh.
35:19Jules is our set designer. Jules, this is Derek, er, Raquel's friend.
35:24Hi.
35:27Right?
35:29Oh, give me some vitamin C, I feel absolutely wrecked.
35:32Yeah, well, er, let's go and sit down at the table, shall we?
35:35Fine, er, I'll just grab some food.
35:37Mmm, I feel a bit piquish as well.
35:39Yeah, so do I.
35:40I'll pick for you, what?
35:42Well, go and sit at the table, I need to talk to him.
35:45Oh, right.
35:46Come here.
35:47They think I can design magnificent stage sets on Peanuts.
35:52I mean, these people don't have a budget, it's more like a whip-round.
35:57Yeah, I know what you mean.
35:58It's a bar, can't it?
35:59Feel my hands.
36:00Feel my hands.
36:01Go on, feel them.
36:02Those are calluses.
36:03I'm the set designer, yet I have to help unload the lorries.
36:05Did I go to art college for three years for that?
36:08Well, no, no, of course not.
36:09Oh.
36:10Seen a match the other night?
36:11I did.
36:12No.
36:13Ooh, no.
36:14It's a bar, can't it?
36:15I'm the one who he's, you know?
36:17In the one in the other, it is more like a whip-round.
36:19Yeah, I know what you mean.
36:21It's a bar, can't it?
36:23Feel my hands?
36:24Feel my hands, go on, feel them.
36:26Oh, horrible, no, those are calluses.
36:29Did I go to art college for three years for that?
36:32Well, no, no, of course not.
36:38Did you see the match the other night?
36:40Match?
36:41What match?
36:42You know, one between England and Yugoslavia.
36:45No, I'm not really interested in football.
36:47You were lucky. You were dead lucky.
36:48I mean, some of the decisions that ref made were criminal.
36:51They were. I mean, we was robbed. We was robbed.
36:53I mean, they showed the match on Grandstad.
36:55I said to my brother Rodney, I said,
36:56they should have shown it on Crimewatch.
36:59I'll tell you what I did watch.
37:02That Elizabeth Taylor film,
37:04Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.
37:06Isn't she the most gorgeous creature ever?
37:08Oh, yeah. Pity she got fat, wasn't it?
37:12Derek, her bone stretch and her eyes.
37:14Her eyes simply sparkle.
37:16And her hair.
37:17Her hair cascades everywhere.
37:22I love you.
37:22I love you.
37:29You want to see these new premises Alan's going after, you know?
37:51They're cosmic, they're modern, they're big.
37:54Yeah, you've told us about 30 times already.
37:57I ain't never seen a place,
37:58but I feel like I could give you a guided tour.
38:01Well, I'm excited, aren't I?
38:02I tell you, Alan, he's going places.
38:05Oh, ha, ha.
38:06He's not the only one that's going places.
38:09Here, Raquel,
38:09I'm going to get all the hours to come down to your first night.
38:12Hey, Raquel?
38:14Raquel?
38:14Sorry, what did you say?
38:15I said I'm going to get all the boys to come down to your first night.
38:17You know, Trigger, Boisey, Rodney, me, the lot.
38:20And then when you come on stage, we're all going to give you a big cheer.
38:22Like, we're all going to go,
38:23Hooray!
38:24And that, what's his name?
38:26Hey, you'll think that you've got a fan club already, won't he?
38:28Eh?
38:29OK, thanks.
38:31Oh, cheer up, girl.
38:32You got the part, didn't you?
38:34Yeah, I got the part, Albert.
38:35Yeah, here we go, then.
38:37Hey, oh, sweetheart.
38:38Get that down.
38:38No, not for me, darling.
38:39Now, come on, sweetheart.
38:40Come on, this is to celebrate your job, eh?
38:42I've got this letter to read.
38:43It's all the details of the player.
38:44I'd like to read it with a clear hair, darling.
38:46See you in a little while.
38:48Yeah, yeah, all right, then.
38:51What's that with her?
38:53I don't know.
38:55Ever since she's come back from that audition
38:57with that Adrian and all them other actors,
38:58she's been different.
39:01I don't know, maybe we embarrass her or something.
39:03Oh, Raquel's not like that.
39:05You don't know, Rodney.
39:06A cravat and a codpiece can turn a girl's head.
39:10I'll get it.
39:16Hello?
39:17Alan.
39:18Yeah, I've just been telling Della and Albert
39:19about them new premises.
39:20I was thinking, if we...
39:22What letter?
39:25Oh, yeah, that letter.
39:28Yeah, let me explain.
39:28It was, well, it was a token.
39:31A gesture.
39:32Yeah.
39:33Well, the situation that existed then
39:35between Cassandra and I
39:36may have been causing you some embarrassment
39:38and, well, I just wanted you to know
39:39that I was aware of it.
39:42Yeah.
39:44Mm-hmm.
39:44Fine.
39:48Uh, just let me get this straight, Ellen.
39:50When you say you've accepted my letter of resignation,
39:53what exactly do you mean?
39:54I see, yes.
40:08You handed in your resignation.
40:10I thought it was best.
40:14You stupid little blonker.
40:17That's the bestest job you've ever had
40:19or ever liked it or ever knew you've chucked it away.
40:22Listen, I am in control of my own destiny.
40:25I am my own man.
40:27I make my own decisions in this world.
40:29And why did you resign?
40:30Because he told me to.
40:33Hey, I never said a word.
40:35Well, you told me about that bloke on the boat
40:37who put in his resignation to get out of a court-martial.
40:39Oh, that was different, son.
40:41How?
40:41Well, he got away with it.
40:46I didn't think Ellen would accept my resignation.
40:49But he did.
40:51Yeah, I know, he did.
40:53I thought I was too important to the firm.
40:55But you weren't.
40:57Oh, no, I won't bloody know now, don't I?
40:59All right, all right, calm down, then, calm down.
41:03Give Alan a bell, see if I can get him to change his mind for you.
41:06It's too late.
41:07He's already found somebody to replace me.
41:09Well, that was bloody quick, wasn't it?
41:10It's my assistant.
41:13Your assistant?
41:14What, that little kid?
41:16Yes.
41:17Tet's snotty-nosed Herbert, who's just left school?
41:22Yes.
41:23Elvis?
41:25Yes.
41:26He's doing what you were doing?
41:29Yes.
41:30Elvis, he ain't daft.
41:32Still, there's no worry about him winning blockbusters, though, is there?
41:35God, dear.
41:37He was the one that thought sugar diabetes was a Welsh flyweight.
41:43Look, he is just filling the gap until Alan finds someone of my expertise to take over.
41:49It's just strange that they should replace you with a silly boy.
41:52Why don't you just stay out of this, Albert?
41:56Don't you talk to an old war hero like that.
41:58Well, he's getting on me bloody nerves going on and on.
42:01It's your own fault, Rodney.
42:02You've got no one else to blame.
42:04You've got a lovely wife, a lovely flat, the bestest job in the whole world, and you blew it.
42:07Who was that bloke you was having lunch with today?
42:18That was just one of Raquel's artistic friends.
42:23What bloke's that, then, Dale?
42:24You're shut up, stay out of this, Albert.
42:25LAUGHTER
42:26LAUGHTER
42:27LAUGHTER
42:28LAUGHTER
42:29OK?
42:49Yeah, fine.
42:51Read your letter about your play, didn't you?
42:52Yeah, I've read it.
42:58Look, sweetheart, if we've had a row, could you at least tell me about it?
43:02We haven't had a row. Everything's fine.
43:03It's not fine, Raquel. It's not fine.
43:06Ever since you came back from that audition with that Adrian and Jules and all them others,
43:09you've been different towards me.
43:11I mean, what is it?
43:13Aren't I as good as those actor cronies?
43:15Do I embarrass you? What?
43:17Don't be stupid, Dale.
43:18I am not stupid, Raquel. I'm not being stupid.
43:20Cos I saw your face, you see.
43:23I saw your face when that Adrian asked me what I thought about Hamlet.
43:27And I said I preferred Costellas.
43:30LAUGHTER
43:30I saw your face.
43:32LAUGHTER
43:33LAUGHTER
43:34So, when do you start rehearsals and that, then?
43:44Tour doesn't start for another three months.
43:48Oh, well, that's all right, then, isn't it, eh?
43:50Gives you plenty of time to meet some more of your intelligent, sensitive actor people, don't it?
43:55Derek, will you get it into your thick skull?
43:57I'm not trying to meet intelligent and sensitive people.
43:59I'm happy with you.
44:01LAUGHTER
44:02So, what's the problem, then?
44:06LAUGHTER
44:06Tour?
44:08Did you say this thing was a tour?
44:12That's right, it's a nine-week tour of the country.
44:15Oh, well, I didn't know that, did I?
44:17I mean, I didn't know that!
44:19I thought it was like, you know, a play that you put on local and...
44:23Oh, I see that now.
44:26Oh, that's it, is it?
44:28Right, eh?
44:30The lured of the big theatres!
44:33The applause, the applause, the show must go on and all that!
44:36We're not appearing in theatres.
44:39If you're not appearing in theatres, then where are you appearing?
44:43Schools.
44:44Schools?
44:45Yes, schools!
44:46It's a co-project between the Education and the Arts Councils.
44:49We're supposed to take Shakespeare to the inner cities.
44:52Imagine what it might have done for me.
44:54Yeah?
44:55Could have ended up being a dinner lady!
44:58LAUGHTER
44:58Don't become like all the others, Del.
45:02Putting down every little dream I have.
45:09I'm not trying to put your dreams down, sweetheart.
45:14You know, I never do that.
45:19It's just that...
45:21I don't want you to leave me.
45:28I'm frightened you might not come back.
45:30I'm not going anywhere, Del.
45:34I'm turning the offer down.
45:38You can't do that, sweetheart.
45:39You can't do that.
45:41No, this is, you know, this is a golden opportunity, this.
45:45Don't worry about me.
45:46I'm just, you know, I'm just being a bit selfish, that's all.
45:49I can't do that tour, Del.
45:53Why not?
45:54Because I've read the play again and again
45:57and at no point does Shakespeare mention that Rosalind
46:00is pregnant.
46:04It's always poetic licence, isn't there?
46:06LAUGHTER
46:07Did you say you was pregnant?
46:22I've done all the tests and everything, it's certain.
46:30Blimey.
46:33Are you angry?
46:35Angry.
46:38Angry.
46:39Angry.
46:39Angry.
46:39Angry.
46:39Angry.
46:43Angry.
46:44Angry.
46:45Angry.
46:46Angry.
46:47Angry.
46:48Angry.
46:49Angry.
46:50Yeah.
46:51Hey!
46:52Hey!
46:53Hey!
46:54Hey!
46:55Hey!
46:56Albert!
46:57Albert!
46:58Quick!
46:59Come on!
47:00Give me the biggest bottle of champagne you can find out!
47:01Bring it here!
47:02Come on!
47:03Quick!
47:04Quick!
47:05Come in!
47:06Here!
47:07Here!
47:08Tonight we celebrate!
47:09Hooray!
47:10You're not angry!
47:11Angry!
47:12Me angry!
47:13That's why I'm angry!
47:14I'm gonna be a daddy!
47:16LAUGHTER
47:18I tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna phone everybody up, I'm gonna have a party, we're
47:23gonna have a party, we're gonna have a party, and we're gonna have fireworks, the
47:25biggest fireworks we've been, and we're gonna celebrate!
47:27What's all the fuss about?
47:28What's happening?
47:29Calm down, calm down you two!
47:31Just calm down, I'm gonna answer one simple question, right?
47:36How many people do you see standing there?
47:40Run!
47:41No!
47:42I see two!
47:43Well, you know what this means, don't you Albert?
47:58No!
47:59Either Raquel's pregnant, or Del's pissed!
48:05I see two!
48:06There's Piste!
48:07Ha ha ha ha!
48:10We've got some off-rock, factories, and mow you need, but you can't tell.
48:16Teen prom, sheep, sheep, sheep, and babies lay in my place.
48:19We do something strange, whistling, and never push.
48:22Your telephone, for check seats, from admission, check it push push, push push, push, push,
48:25push, push, push, push.
48:27You don't have more income tax, no VAT, no money back, no guarantee.
48:34Grab your white heart and get your food
48:37We'll get the prices and the store
48:40God bless Hooky Street
48:44Viva Hooky Street
48:48Long live Hooky Street
48:51Saint-Mandifique Hooky Street
48:54Magnifique Hooky Street
48:57Hooky Street
49:00Hooky Street
49:03Hooky Street