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00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:30Why do only fools and horses work
00:33I don't believe it.
00:44When did this arrive?
00:46This morning.
00:47Why didn't you let me know sooner?
00:48I couldn't get in touch with you. You'd be out all the morning.
00:51I thought you might have popped over Elevenses.
00:53I told you before, Unc.
00:55Elevenses is for wimps.
00:57I'm out there on the yuppie tightrope, me.
01:00Nerves on red alert.
01:02A beta blocker and a dream, that's me.
01:05I eat on the move, a mobile phone in one hand
01:07and a pot noodle in the other.
01:08I tried to beat you on a mobile phone.
01:10Yeah, that's why Del ended up with an earful of noodles.
01:13Oh, look, the boy from the black stuff's woken up.
01:16Look.
01:16Just because I'm out of work, there's no need to rub it in.
01:19For all you know, my recent misfortunes
01:21could herald a watershed in my life, Del.
01:23I could go on to better things.
01:25Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
01:26You've broken up with your wife,
01:28you walked out on your lovely home,
01:30you resigned from a highly paid job
01:32and you pulled the chain on your career.
01:34That's just the springboard you need for the future, isn't it, eh?
01:37Something will turn up.
01:39Yeah, I know.
01:39That's what General Custer said.
01:41Something did turn up, didn't it, eh?
01:43Another load of bloody Indians.
01:45You should be giving Rodney some encouragement.
01:47I am.
01:48Oh, look, I'm worried about him, aren't I, eh?
01:51Look at that, a few months ago, there he was.
01:53Cash on the hip.
01:54Glowing future.
01:55Now what's he got, look?
01:56His skin.
01:57The only thing about him that's glowing is his liver.
02:00What happened to that golden hand shake
02:01you got from the printing book?
02:03Yeah, you may well ask.
02:05He kissed that all up against the wall, didn't he, eh?
02:07Blew it on Cuba Libras and Larry Toots.
02:10I do not believe this git.
02:12He has the audacity to sit there moralising with me
02:15whilst holding a letter from the magistrate's court
02:17saying his case has been brought forward.
02:21Everyone goes to court once in their life.
02:23Once?
02:24I've given you your own parking space.
02:27Don't change the subject, Rodney.
02:28Yeah, I think what Del's trying to say is
02:31for the last month or so,
02:32you've been living back at the flat.
02:34In the past, that was all right.
02:36Now, Raquel's pregnant.
02:38Yeah, that's right.
02:39Look, notices and all, doesn't it, eh, look?
02:41See that lump?
02:44That's my embryo.
02:52You see, Rodney, you see what I mean?
02:53In a couple of months' time,
02:54there'll be no space in the flat.
02:56She's going to be that big, is she?
02:59No.
02:59What I mean is,
03:00we're going to need that room of yours for a nursery.
03:03So this is an ideal time for you to go out
03:04and find yourself a nice little bachelor bag.
03:06He's waiting for the council to offer him something.
03:08Oh, yeah.
03:09Well, we can have a combined party then, can't we, eh?
03:12Rodney's housewarming and my son's 21st.
03:16For your information, Derek,
03:17the council phoned this morning
03:19with an offer of accommodation.
03:20Did I really?
03:21Yeah, that's true, Del.
03:22I was there when you got the call.
03:23Well, that's terrific news.
03:24Well done, bruv.
03:25They've offered me an LDA.
03:27An LDA?
03:29Well, that can't be back, can it?
03:30I'm viewing it this afternoon.
03:33Here, listen.
03:34If you want any furniture,
03:36Young Towsers doing a marvellous line
03:38in quality reject free pea sweets.
03:40Oh, right, yeah.
03:41Could come in handy.
03:42Yeah.
03:44Del, could I ask you something?
03:45Yeah, of course you can.
03:46What's an LDA?
03:49I don't know.
03:51It's an abbreviation for something.
03:54Yeah, well, I know it's an abbreviation for something,
03:56but what?
03:58LDA.
03:59Maybe it stands for...
04:00Luxury Detached Abode.
04:03Yes.
04:04It could do.
04:05I doubt it, but it could do, yeah.
04:07Listen, I'll get to send some more drinks, all right?
04:09Not for me, mate.
04:10We'll fit a diamond chance.
04:11I'll meet in the council motion in an hour.
04:13I'll see you later, all right?
04:13All right, good luck, bruv.
04:14Yeah, cheers.
04:15You want to have one hour?
04:15No.
04:16Yeah, all right.
04:16All right, go on then.
04:20Del!
04:20Ah, what's a trick?
04:23Uh, Mike?
04:24Hang on a minute, Del.
04:26So, uh, you thought of a name yet?
04:28No, it's too early for that.
04:30No, best to sort it out early.
04:32Save drows later on.
04:34Okay, Mike, could you give us a couple of...
04:36Hang on, hang on a minute, mate.
04:37Hang on.
04:40So how's this going to affect your career, then?
04:42What career?
04:44Well, I thought you was an actress and singer and all that.
04:46Yeah, well, I think in my condition, I'll put my career on hold for a while.
04:50Like, 15 years or so.
04:52Okay, that reminds me.
04:53You know that down by the Riverside Club?
04:55Yes, I'm thinking of going down here in a minute to get a drink.
04:58Mike, Mike, when you're ready.
05:00Del, I've only got one pair of hands, mate.
05:02Yeah, I remember the night when my wife come home and she told me she was two months pregnant.
05:06I was a cocktail waiter at the time.
05:09Oh, that's a moment you'll never forget.
05:11That's right.
05:11I remember it especially because I'd just come back from three months on a cruise ship.
05:16Oh, sorry.
05:17No, it was a lovely cruise.
05:18Do you want to see the slabs?
05:20A mate of mine from the Council of Depots singing there tonight.
05:23What?
05:26At the down by the Riverside Club.
05:29Tony Angelino.
05:30Who?
05:32Tony Angelino.
05:34That's his stage name.
05:35Oh, yes, sounds terrific, that trick, yes.
05:38A few drinks, you know, scampi in a basket and a singing road sweeper, of course they.
05:43He's not a road sweeper, he's on the dust.
05:45Oh, well, that's the difference, isn't it?
05:47Sorry.
05:48He sang there once before, about six years ago.
05:51Really?
05:51He's back by popular demand then, is he?
05:53Yeah, he's got a terrific voice, he's going to be a big star one day.
05:58Fancy coming down here tonight?
05:59No.
06:00What are you hoping for then, Del?
06:02Well, the same again when you're ready, if I can get any order in.
06:04I'm talking about the baby.
06:06Eh?
06:07Oh, the baby, now, why didn't you say so?
06:09It's different.
06:10Well, it's going to be a boy, isn't it, eh?
06:11How do you know it might be good?
06:13Now I know it's going to be a boy.
06:14Well, don't you forget, you can hold a lovely little wedding reception up above here.
06:20Come on, let's sit down over there, sweetheart, shall we?
06:22Here, listen, have you told your family about it?
06:24I've written to my parents.
06:25Hmm?
06:26I was thinking more about your husband.
06:28Oh.
06:31My solicitor's still trying to trace his whereabouts.
06:34We've been apart now for seven years, so divorce will be no problem.
06:37Oh, right.
06:38Well, when that comes through, we'll get hitched.
06:43Sorry?
06:44We'll tie the knot.
06:46I might not want to marry you.
06:48What do you mean, you might not want to marry me?
06:51Come on, don't be silly.
06:52I'm not being silly.
06:53You haven't even asked me.
06:54Well, no, I know that.
06:55Well, you're in the old, you know, where I come from.
06:59Action speaks louder than words.
07:00Would you keep me in the style that I've become accustomed to?
07:04Of course I would.
07:05There's no way I'm marrying you, then.
07:07Oh, come on, Raquel.
07:10We're going to have a blinding future together.
07:12Are we?
07:13Yeah.
07:14I can see it now.
07:15Everything's beginning to slot into place.
07:18I've got lots of little pots and pans bubbling away.
07:21In fact, I've got a meeting in half an hour with an old mate of mine.
07:23He runs one of these dinner dance clubs, you know.
07:26I think he wants to buy them 300 packets of crisps I've got in the garage.
07:35He's playing our song.
07:38Badly.
07:40No.
07:41No, everything's going well.
07:43I'm going to have a lovely future.
07:44This time next year, I'm going to be a millionaire.
07:48All right, then.
07:49I accept.
07:50Good girl.
07:51You know it makes sense.
07:57Maybe tomorrow we could go out and buy an engagement with you.
08:00No, I can't tomorrow, darling.
08:01I'm in court.
08:01I'm in court.
08:15Eric.
08:17How's it going, Paul?
08:18It's like Marley's ghost.
08:21Del boy.
08:22You all looking prosperous?
08:24Yeah, well, I can't complain.
08:25Well, I do, you know, but no one listens.
08:27I've heard good things about you, Del.
08:31Making your mark in a parish.
08:32I'm pleased for you.
08:34I like to hear about people doing well.
08:37Last time I saw you, you was really struggling.
08:40You was driving around in some shitty little three-wheel van.
08:42Yeah, those were the days, eh, Eric?
08:49Actually, I've still got that three-wheel van.
08:51It's like for nostalgia.
08:53I only use it just for business, you know.
08:54So what's the main motor now, Del boy?
08:56Was it some sort of sports coupe, is it?
08:58Yeah, yeah, something like that, yeah.
08:59How long ago was it since we last met?
09:03What was it?
09:03Must be, what, five, six years?
09:05That long, is it?
09:06Yeah, just after we had that little misunderstanding.
09:10I don't remember that.
09:11Yes, you do.
09:13You said I'd done you out of 500 quid.
09:16Well, you did, didn't you?
09:18No, no, no, I didn't.
09:20I told you at the time, didn't I?
09:21It was just a misunderstanding.
09:23Yeah, well, we best our sleeping dogs lie, ain't we, Del?
09:27Yeah, that's it.
09:28Yeah.
09:29Yeah, thought in the past, didn't it, eh?
09:32Yeah.
09:33Well, I must say, this is a very, very nice place.
09:37Yeah, doing a bit of business as well.
09:39Good.
09:39Cushty.
09:40Very, very pleased to hear it.
09:43Anyway, what did you want to talk to me about?
09:45Understood you left a message for me on my answer machine.
09:47I thought I was your uncle.
09:49Yeah, same thing.
09:51It's good, isn't it?
09:52I'm going to do a bit of this.
09:54Well, help a boy, oh, baby, doll.
09:57I thought...
09:58I've got a bit of a problem, Del.
10:01What's that?
10:03Tomorrow night the club's been booked for a birthday party.
10:05Cabaret, all the exes.
10:07I had a young singing duo booked in, but it let me down at the last minute.
10:11I phoned around all the agents, and that's what I've been offered so far.
10:15Yeah, that's all right.
10:20That's all right to me.
10:21No good to me, Del.
10:22I need a singer.
10:24Someone who knows what they're doing.
10:26I heard recently you was living with some bird who used to do some nightclub singing.
10:31Raquel?
10:31Oh, yeah, yeah.
10:32She used to do some singing.
10:33Mind you, she packed that in ages ago.
10:35Would she come out of retirement for one night?
10:37No, she can't, Eric.
10:39She's three months pregnant.
10:40It's hardly odd, Carrie and Del.
10:41She's only got a scene for four or five songs.
10:43Yeah, I mean, she was telling me about this terrible nervous tension that she suffers
10:47from before she goes on stage.
10:49I couldn't put her through there.
10:51That's a shame, Del.
10:52I've got a contract here waiting to be signed by someone.
10:56Well, I'm sorry.
10:57I'd like to have helped your pal, but Raquel's given the business up.
11:01It's her life.
11:02I can't go interfering with her wishes now, can I?
11:05Well, I made it work for a while.
11:07600 quid for one night's work ain't to be sneezed at.
11:11She'll need a backing group.
11:13What do you think you promised him?
11:16Well, what can I do, sweetheart?
11:17He's a mate in trouble.
11:18I don't care who it is, Del.
11:19I'm not doing it.
11:21Look, I gave him your work.
11:22Well, you had no right to.
11:24But it's 300 quid, Raquel.
11:25How much is it, Del?
11:26I'm not doing it.
11:29But Raquel, it's Eric.
11:31He's in dead lumber.
11:33I mean, he's gone through all the agents, hasn't he?
11:35He even showed me the list he was offered.
11:38Do you know what he was offered?
11:39He was offered 12 strippers, 18 blue comedians,
11:42a speciality dog hat, and Lionel Blair.
11:47So what's wrong with that?
11:48Well, nothing's wrong with that, sweetheart.
11:49It's just that Eric wants you.
11:52Wishy, sweet man, he's pregnant.
11:54Eh?
11:55Yeah, I'm...
11:56Look, I know that, but I'm not asking her to do any belly dancing or anything like that, am I?
12:00I mean, he's just singing a couple of songs, that's all.
12:02Anyway, look, it doesn't notice, does he?
12:04Eh, look, look, turn around for her, sweetheart.
12:06There you are.
12:06You see, look at that.
12:07So you've got a lovely figure, and you've got a beautiful voice, Raquel.
12:11And that is a gift, and that should be shared with the world.
12:13Or a bunch of drunks in the starlight rooms.
12:16Donald, you were sung in a real nightclub before.
12:18Yes, you have.
12:19What about that poster you showed us when you was top of the bill with Otis Redding at Talk of the Town London?
12:25It was Laurie London at the Talk of the Town Reading.
12:32It's the same thing, isn't it?
12:34No, it is not.
12:36That was the one and only time I've ever appeared alone on stage.
12:39It was a nightmare.
12:41I forgot the words, I forgot the tune.
12:43It was just a nightmare.
12:44People actually cheered when they announced last orders.
12:47The only other time I've been on stage has been in a double act.
12:51I was with that magician, the great Raimondo, and I was in that duo, Double Cream.
12:54See, I don't mind that.
12:55Because there's someone there to support you, someone there to share the blame.
12:58Oh, I'll get someone to sing along with you.
13:00It's not as simple as that.
13:02You've got to get to know each other.
13:05Rehearse.
13:06Find out whether you can harmonise, whether you're even compatible.
13:09Yeah, well, I'll do all that and all.
13:12When's the show?
13:13Tomorrow night.
13:14Tomorrow night?
13:15It's impossible.
13:16Oh, look, Raquel, look, I've got the contract.
13:19I've signed it there.
13:20Look, there you are, guaranteeing I'll supply the cabaret.
13:22That is document.
13:23It's legal and binding.
13:25The Trotter International Star Agency.
13:29Yeah, that's me.
13:29I diversify.
13:31Why did you sign a contract before you'd even spoken to me?
13:34Because I never thought that you would let me down.
13:38Rodney, probably.
13:40Even like a shot.
13:41But you, never.
13:43Still, never mind.
13:44Never mind.
13:46It's the story of my life, really, innit?
13:48My old man let me down when he walked out and left me to fend for meself.
13:55Then me mum died.
13:57That weren't her fault, but I felt that she'd let me down.
14:02Funny the things that go through your mind when you're 16 and you're just all alone.
14:08I think that's why I've always been straight and up front with people.
14:12Because I hate the thought of them having the feelings that I did.
14:18It says you're paying your 600 quid.
14:22You nothing git.
14:24You said 300.
14:26I know I said 300.
14:27I know I said 300.
14:29And isn't it obvious why I said that?
14:31No.
14:34I said that because...
14:36Because...
14:39Because...
14:41I knew that if Raquel thought she was earning a 600 pound for the show,
14:48that would make her even more nervous than she is now.
14:51So I decided to take the sting out of it,
14:54soften the edges,
14:55relieve the pressure,
14:57by telling her it was only worth 300 quid.
15:05That means you'll do it for me, sweetheart.
15:07But who will I be singing with?
15:08Don't you worry about that.
15:10I won't put you wrong.
15:11You trust me.
15:12Listen, what we'll do later on,
15:13we'll go through all my LPs
15:14and make a list of classic hits for you to sing.
15:17But these songs,
15:18I've got to have a musical arrangement.
15:19We'll need a pianist.
15:21Well, that's no problem, is it?
15:22Eh?
15:24Albert?
15:24Yes, Dale?
15:25Go and fetch the yellow pages.
15:28We'll find a musician.
15:30All right?
15:32I'll think about it, Dale.
15:34Cushty.
15:35I'm only thinking about it, Dale.
15:36No promises.
15:37No, all right for you.
15:38Oh, no promises, no promises.
15:39But in the meantime,
15:40why don't you have a little practice with your voice,
15:43you know, get it back in trim.
15:44You know, just in case, just in case, eh?
15:46Yeah, all right, just in case.
15:47Good girl.
15:50I'm going to make some coffee.
15:51Anyone else?
15:52You'll have one, dear.
15:53Yeah, I'll have one, sweetheart.
15:58She's going to knock and bandy over.
15:59She's got a voice like an angel, hasn't she?
16:13Eh?
16:14Raquel?
16:14Raquel?
16:15Sing up, darling.
16:16Come on, don't be shy.
16:19Lovely, jubbly.
16:26Ah, Rodney.
16:28Raquel's singing in the starlight rooms.
16:29Yeah?
16:30Her voice didn't half-travelled, didn't he?
16:37No, no, no.
16:38I mean, she's in the...
16:39What?
16:40Forget it.
16:40What's up with you?
16:41Oh, I have just been to view the council's offer of accommodation.
16:44And you was right, Del.
16:45LDA does not stand for luxury detached abode.
16:48No, well, I had a feeling.
16:50LDA stands for low-demand accommodation.
16:54What's that, then?
16:55It's a place where nobody else wants to live.
16:58What are they like?
16:59They're like this.
17:02You saucy git.
17:05This place, I'll have...
17:06I'll have you know that we...
17:08Yeah.
17:11Rack out, turn the noise down, will you?
17:15We can't hear a fell finger, yeah?
17:18Go on.
17:18You should have seen this place, eh, off with me?
17:21It looked like a timeshare apartment on Albert Square.
17:24Did you take it?
17:25Of course I didn't.
17:26Well, you've got to find a place of your own soon, Rodney.
17:29Pretty much from now, she'll be dropping a kitty.
17:31Yes, I know.
17:32But at the moment, the council's me only hope.
17:35I'm out of work, I've got no money coming in.
17:38You know, what am I supposed to do?
17:40I don't wish to sound brutal, Rodney, but why don't you get another job?
17:50It's not that funny, Albert.
17:53With my history, the only chance I've got of getting future employment is to go out and get me own window cleaning round.
17:59I'm sorry, I don't understand.
18:00You left your previous employment of your own accord.
18:03You weren't sacked.
18:04You resigned.
18:04So where's the problem?
18:05Well, it's not as easy as that, Raquel.
18:08Is it, Derek?
18:11No, you see, Raquel, the only real job that Rodney's had since he left school was that job he had with Cassandra's dad.
18:17You know, the one he resigned from.
18:20But I thought prior to that he was a partner in Trotter's Independent Traders.
18:23Yes, he was.
18:27And very sorely missed he was when he left.
18:29But, you see, Trotter's Independent Traders was never what you'd call a pucker business, you see.
18:34We never actually registered with Company House.
18:36You know, sort of keep down the old paperwork and that.
18:39Yeah, and income tax and BAT.
18:40Yes, you see, so, since he was 16, when Rodney left school, the only job he ever had was when he was 26.
18:48So the only time he's turned up on the government's computers is when he got that suspended sentence for the possession of cannabis.
18:55And you don't fancy window cleaning?
18:58No.
18:58Don't like heights.
19:00Couldn't you specialise in bungalows?
19:06Why don't you shut up, Albert?
19:08Well, Alan's bound to give Rodney a glowing reference.
19:12I know that.
19:14We know that, sweetheart.
19:17But where's Rodney going to say he's been for the last ten years?
19:20In the toilet?
19:23No.
19:25It's a great pity, you know, Rodney, you can't get a job doing something that you like.
19:31Like, you know, I don't know, like sort of music.
19:35Because you're interested in music, aren't you?
19:37Yeah.
19:38Yeah.
19:40Even if it's only sort of, you know, just a part-time job.
19:44Yeah, that'd do.
19:45Yeah.
19:46I don't know, what, like, you know, something like a road manager or something.
19:51Yeah, where am I going to get something like that?
19:54You never know your luck, Rodney, you never know your luck.
19:56wirklich?
19:57Yeah.
19:58Yeah.
19:58Yeah.
19:59Yeah.
20:00Yeah.
20:01Yeah.
20:02I'm so happy.
20:02Yeah.
20:03Yeah.
20:03Yeah.
20:05Yeah.
20:05Oh, my God.
20:35When you fell for someone else, babe, my pain, my pain, my pain, my pain.
20:50Looks like he's bloody good, isn't he?
20:56Good.
20:58Daddy's bloody awful.
21:00How you don't know what you're talking about, bruv?
21:03Look at all these old deers, look.
21:06They've been throwing their corsets on the stage, I'll remember a minute.
21:09I'm falling in the ground.
21:13I'm falling in the ground.
21:20I'm falling in the ground.
21:32I'm falling in the ground.
21:33I'm falling in the ground.
21:37I'm falling in the ground.
21:39I love him, look.
21:49Look, I love him.
21:50Look, I love him.
21:51I love him.
21:51I love him.
21:52I love him.
21:53I love him.
21:54I love him.
21:55I love him.
21:55I love him.
21:56I love him.
21:57I love him.
21:58I love him.
21:59I love him.
21:59He's a non-alcoholic lager top, will you?
22:02I love him.
22:03I love him.
22:34I love him.
22:34I love him.
23:05I love him.
23:06I love him.
23:07I love him.
23:07I love him.
23:10I love him.
23:13I love him.
23:14I love him.
23:16I love him.
23:17I love him.
23:18I love him.
23:20Rodney, you think popular music is all about the top ten, don't you?
23:24But it's not, you know.
23:26Because 80% of the people in this country, you know, they listen to what is known as middle-of-the-road music.
23:32That means they listen to guff like this.
23:35And you take that Roger Whittaker and that John Denver.
23:40They never appear on top of the parts, do they, eh?
23:44But they sell millions and millions of records.
23:46And that is bunts, Rodney.
23:47That is serious bunts.
23:48And this is my chance to get where the action is.
23:52Far down.
23:57Yes.
23:58I can see it now.
24:00Raquel and Tony.
24:04They could be the new...
24:06The new carpenters.
24:08Or plumbers.
24:10Or brickies.
24:11Summer and Cher.
24:13Chas and Dave.
24:15Rennie and Renato.
24:18Mills and Boone.
24:20Yeah.
24:21Yeah.
24:22I felt a knife in my head.
24:25There's a coffin.
24:26Where's that coffin?
24:27There.
24:28I don't know if it's all labelled, you know.
24:32Because I've been trained in that sort of thing.
24:35Well, that's all right, Rodney.
24:36You've got two GCEs.
24:37That is good enough, isn't it?
24:39Yeah.
24:40Look at that.
24:41Oads are forthwiths and hereafters.
24:43Ha ha ha.
24:44Lovely, chobly.
24:46Come on, Rudley.
24:47This way.
24:48They come to a fox down the door.
24:52More give me the lighter.
24:54I just couldn't take any more.
24:58That's it.
24:59More give me the lighter.
25:01More give me the lighter.
25:02I just couldn't take any more.
25:04Any more.
25:05Any more.
25:06Any more.
25:07Any more.
25:15Thanks so much.
25:16You've been a wonderful audience.
25:18Ladies and gentlemen, Tony Angelino.
25:20There, he'll never sign that contract.
25:38He'll sign it, Rodney.
25:39Don't you worry.
25:40He'll sign it.
25:41Hey, it's Tony.
25:42Tony.
25:43There you are.
25:44Just wonderful performance.
25:45Really was wonderful.
25:46Thanks.
25:47Excuse me.
25:48Would you mind?
25:49Would you please?
25:50Oh, thank you.
25:53Thanks very much.
25:57Easier than you thought, wasn't it, Rodney, eh?
25:59I don't believe you did that.
26:01He who dares, Rodney.
26:03He who dares, eh?
26:04Right.
26:05Come on.
26:08Ah, Tony.
26:09There you are.
26:10Tony, listen.
26:11Excuse me, girl.
26:12I've got a bit of business to discuss with you, son.
26:14Yeah?
26:15I've got some bookings for you, if you're interested.
26:16Yeah?
26:17Yeah.
26:18Come in here, we can talk about it while I'm getting things.
26:19Oops.
26:20Sorry.
26:21Excuse me, darling.
26:22Tony, Tony, can I have to answer, Rodney?
26:23I'll come in.
26:24In a minute, honey, I'll be out.
26:25In a minute.
26:26In a minute.
26:27In a minute.
26:28In a minute.
26:29Chicks.
26:30What is it?
26:31A hen party?
26:32No, it's a local WI.
26:34Still, got to keep them happy.
26:36You know what I mean.
26:40Yeah, well, my name is Derek Trotter of the Derek Trotter International.
26:43The Derek Trotter International Stars Agency, Peckham.
26:46You can call me Del.
26:53This is my roadie, Rodney.
26:56What are you sure about, then, Del?
26:58Well, erm...
26:59You see, I'm putting together a middle-of-the-road duo.
27:02You and a very talented young singer by the name of Raquel Turner.
27:06Hi.
27:07Now, I've already got a confirmed booking at the Starlight Rooms, with an option on a long-term...
27:11Long-term contract, if you're good enough.
27:17You're killing me.
27:18A Starlight, eh?
27:19Oh.
27:20I don't get many bookings.
27:21Really?
27:22Have you got a manager, Tony?
27:23Er...
27:24No.
27:25Well, you have now, son.
27:26Me.
27:27Hmm.
27:28Well, I'm sick.
27:29I'm going to do it.
27:30I'm going to do it.
27:31I'm going to do it.
27:32I'm going to do it.
27:33Have you got a manager, Tony?
27:34Er...
27:35No.
27:36Well, you have now, son.
27:37Me.
27:38Hmm.
27:39Hmm.
27:40I can't understand how someone with all your talent hasn't been snapped off already.
28:02Can you, Rodney?
28:03There you are, you see.
28:04But he's as mystified as I am.
28:06So has no one told you anything about me, huh?
28:09No.
28:10Why?
28:11Is this something I should know?
28:12No.
28:13No.
28:14Er...
28:15When is this booking, Joe?
28:16Tomorrow night.
28:17What?
28:18It's all right.
28:19It's all right.
28:20I know that you and Raquel have got an awful lot of work to do.
28:22Rehearsing and, you know, getting your repertoire together and what have you.
28:25But I've got faith in you.
28:27Because you're a pro and so is she.
28:30And I'm offering you £100 for tomorrow night.
28:33Oh.
28:34Yeah.
28:35The most I've ever been paid is 50 quid.
28:38Oh.
28:39Well, you're in a big time now, aren't you?
28:44Yes.
28:45Well, you'll be rehearsing first thing tomorrow morning.
28:48I've booked a room at the Jesse Jackson Memorial Hall.
28:52And I'm going to give Rodney, your road manager, a list of the classic hits I want you to rehearse.
28:57Er...
28:58No, no.
28:59There's only a few songs I can sing, Joe.
29:00Well...
29:01You see, that's why you don't get any bookings.
29:03No, it's not right.
29:04It's because I, um...
29:05Because of what?
29:06Eh?
29:07Oh, nothing.
29:08I know what your problem is, son.
29:11You can't accept a challenge.
29:13That's what it is.
29:14But you've got me behind you now.
29:16All you've got to do is trust me and I'll be straight down the line with you.
29:19You know, no secrets, no small print.
29:21All you've got to do is trust me, Tony.
29:24You do trust me, Tony, don't you?
29:27Yeah, okay, tell.
29:28Good boy.
29:29You know it makes sense.
29:31So, um, will you be out of the hall in the morning?
29:33No, he's in court tomorrow.
29:35Yes, yes, I am.
29:37I'm there as a witness for something.
29:40Oh, right.
29:41Er...
29:42Do you want me to sign that?
29:43No, it's all right, son.
29:44You've already signed it, look.
29:47Lovely jubbly.
29:55I can't believe that was the same bloke.
29:57No, well, I mean, they're all just costume props, aren't they?
30:00They all wear them.
30:01I mean, you don't think that Mr Spock's ears are his own, do you?
30:04No.
30:05Come.
30:06We'll go and tell Raquel.
30:07Ha!
30:09Raquel, sweetheart.
30:10Hello, darling.
30:11I found him.
30:12I found your singing partner.
30:14God.
30:15Yeah, he's terrific, isn't he, Rodney, eh?
30:17Yeah.
30:19You've got to see him to believe him, haven't you, Rodney, eh?
30:22Yeah.
30:23No, he's terrific, he's absolutely terrific.
30:26He's got this great voice, you know, and he's got wonderful stage presence.
30:30He's got oodles and oodles of charisma.
30:33This boy's going to be a star, I tell you.
30:34Not just local, I mean, he's going to be international.
30:36Where'd you learn about him?
30:38He works for Trigger down a council depot.
30:41Is that true?
30:43Well, he, he, Sean Connery.
30:45He worked on the dust.
30:47And is he like Sean Connery?
30:49Well, he wears a wig.
30:50Listen, I'll tell you what, let me get you another lot of drinks, eh?
30:53Shall we?
30:54Rodney, you give me a hand.
30:55Come on, you.
30:57Oh, boy.
30:58Eh?
30:59Oh, hello, Boise.
31:00I hear you're in court tomorrow.
31:02Yeah.
31:03Don't do a lot for your yuppie image, eh?
31:07I don't know, it's very trendy nowadays, isn't it, eh?
31:09All the big bang boys have done a bit of stir.
31:11Yeah.
31:12Very fashionable in the city.
31:13Computer fraud, insider dealing, stock manipulation.
31:16What are you up for, Dalton?
31:18Fly pitching.
31:20Fifty quid fine and a slap on the wrist.
31:22You know, it's an occupational hazard when you're upwardly mobile.
31:25I hear Raquel's up the spout.
31:27Yes.
31:28Thank you very much, Boisey.
31:30Mike, can we have a round of drinks, please?
31:32And whatever poison he wants.
31:33Crystal, give us a round here, will you, love?
31:35Of course, it ain't easy being a father.
31:38No, it must have been difficult for you.
31:40What, with all them test tubes and what have you?
31:42Oh, yes, I'm not talking about that, Derek.
31:45I mean, looking after your child's welfare, planning for his future.
31:49Have you thought about all that?
31:50Oh, don't you worry about my kid, boys.
31:52He'll be all right.
31:53Then there's a pregnancy itself, Dal.
31:54That can be hell.
31:55Yeah.
31:56That can be nine months of pure hell.
31:57Yeah?
31:58Knowing your missus, Mike, I can believe it.
32:00Of course, I was lucky.
32:03Marlene gave birth after only eight months.
32:06Well, they say it's quicker by tube, don't they?
32:16Anyway, we've just come back from the Riverside Club.
32:18We saw Trigger's mate there singing.
32:19He's terrific, isn't he, Rodney, eh?
32:21Yeah.
32:22Yeah.
32:23Perhaps Trigger could recommend him to Eric.
32:25Eric?
32:26What do you mean, Eric?
32:27In the Starlight rooms, you mean?
32:28Yeah, the one who don't like you.
32:30Something about 500 quid.
32:32No, that's all in the past, that is.
32:34Yes, but that man holds a grudge.
32:36Anyway, he's got 24 hours to fill a cabaret spot for tomorrow night.
32:40He'll never do it.
32:41I mean, the word's out now, isn't it?
32:43Well, he's got to do something.
32:44I've heard Eugene McCarthy's very much looking forward to it.
32:48Who's Eugene McCarthy?
32:50He's a local villain and not a very nice man.
32:53Rumour has it the SAS pays Eugene protection money.
32:58What the hell has Eugene got to do with all this?
33:00Well, didn't you hear?
33:01What?
33:02Eugene owns the Starlight rooms.
33:04No, no, no, no, it's Eric.
33:06Eric owns the Starlight rooms, doesn't he?
33:08No, Eugene bought him out three months ago.
33:10Yes, there was no boardroom negotiations, no offer or counteroffer.
33:14Eugene gave Eric two choices.
33:16Take it or I'll nail you to a door.
33:19And Eric, realising he was dealing with a man who puts out death sentences on Muslims,
33:26took it.
33:27Anyway, tomorrow night is Eugene's mum's 82nd birthday,
33:31so he's having a party down at the Starlight rooms for her and all the Nazis.
33:35No, no, no, no, Mike, no, listen, it's Eric.
33:38Eric's down there at the Starlight rooms, isn't he?
33:40Yeah, yeah, yeah.
33:41Eric is only the manager now, though.
33:43And part of Eric's managerial duties is booking the cabaret.
33:47But every time he books a cabaret Eugene doesn't like,
33:50he probably gets nailed to the nearest door.
33:53But he came up with a brilliant solution.
33:55He started employing the services of the local entertainment agents.
33:59So, if Eugene gets displeased, he takes his wrath out on the agents.
34:04Anyway, the agents all held a meeting at the local convalescence home
34:08and decided to boycott the Starlight rooms.
34:11So, unless Eric finds a mug to supply the cabaret for Eugene's mum's party,
34:16B and Q will be selling another door.
34:29We're in a bit of bother here, bruv.
34:31We?
34:32Yes.
34:33You see, we've signed a contract guaranteeing the cabaret.
34:38I have signed nothing.
34:39I sweep up and I make the tea.
34:41You know what I've been thinking about now,
34:43and I think you ought to have a more creative input on this little project.
34:47Yeah, well, I've been thinking and all, and I don't want a more creative input.
34:50You just give me the broom, the teapot and the 50 quid and I'm happy.
34:55Thank you very much, Rodney.
34:57It's my pleasure, Derek.
35:01Come in.
35:03All right.
35:04Is Dilly yet?
35:05No.
35:06I'll find the flat.
35:07There's no reply.
35:08Maybe he's still in court.
35:09But it's nine o'clock.
35:11Well, maybe the jury's still out.
35:14Stupid Rodney.
35:15He's only been charged with unlicensed trading.
35:16Well, he ain't here.
35:19I can't go through with this.
35:20Why not?
35:21What do you mean, why not?
35:23When you were at rehearsals this morning, you know what happened.
35:26Tony's got a problem.
35:28They might not notice.
35:29How can they not notice?
35:30How can they not notice?
35:32Raquel, you've got to go through with this for Del's sake.
35:35Eugene McCarthy has sat out there with his mum.
35:37It was Eugene McCarthy.
35:39He is not nice people.
35:41Well, you go and tell Eugene McCarthy and his mum that the cabaret's off.
35:45No, I'm just the robot.
35:47Sweep up and make the tea.
35:48That was my instruction.
35:50Do you fancy a cup of tea?
35:52No, I don't.
35:53Do you want anything swept up?
35:54No.
35:55Well, that's my finishing.
35:56Gordon Bennett.
35:57What a bloody hell of you thing.
35:58Where have I been?
35:59They put my case on last, didn't they?
36:01Then it was a sixty-five quid fine.
36:02I realised then, of course, I'd left me wallet at home that night.
36:04So I phoned up Sinbad.
36:05What does he do?
36:06He only gets on the bleeding bust.
36:07There I am, banged up in the cells.
36:08And Sinbad.
36:09There I am, banged up in the cells.
36:10And Sinbad there, he's trying to fight his way through the Friday afternoon traffic in a bloody
36:12bus.
36:13Yeah, Del.
36:14So by the time I get back there.
36:15Del, would you shut up for one minute?
36:16We have got problems.
36:17Really?
36:18Problems?
36:19What sort of problem?
36:20Good boy.
36:21Oh, hello Eugene.
36:22It's very very nice to see you.
36:24Eric informs me.
36:25By the way, I don't know why he'd find myself no realises.
36:28I'm sorry to come out of the bag.
36:29Exactly.
36:30It isn't an old time when I'm hungry when I got down the house.
36:32All I've been going to take since I got down the bus.
36:35And Glenn just felt that way.
36:38He's being a jerk.
36:39So I was a jerk.
36:40Well, the time I lost my wallet at home that night, I phoned up Sinbad.
36:42What does he do?
36:43He only gets on the bleeding bust.
36:44And there I am, banged up in the cells.
36:45And Sinbad there, he's trying to fight his way through the Friday afternoon traffic in a bloody
36:46bus.
36:47Yeah, Del,
36:48so by the time I get back there, I'm a said Shane.
36:50Eric informs me you're supplying tonight's cabaret.
36:54Hope it's good, Jill.
36:55It's my old mum's birthday.
36:56I don't want to see her disappointed.
36:58Yeah, well, of course not, Eugene.
37:01It's going to be the best, nothing but the very best.
37:03I mean, would I do anything less for your dear mother?
37:06Oh, sorry, let me introduce my brother.
37:08No, this is it. I'm just a road manager.
37:10I'll just sweep up and make the tea, and I don't have nothing to do with it.
37:12I'll keep this one and nothing I've had.
37:15Well, here's to a good evening.
37:17Yes, thank you, Eugene. Enjoy yourself.
37:19You sit back and enjoy, eh?
37:20All right, attention, please, let them be quiet, please, quiet, please.
37:26Welcome to the cabaret hour.
37:29Lovely.
37:30And before I introduce our star guest this evening, I'd just like to say happy birthday to Mrs. McCaffrey there, Eugene's mum.
37:37Happy birthday, Neil.
37:38Happy birthday to you.
37:40Happy birthday to you.
37:44Happy birthday.
37:45We are proud to present this evening two young British stars whose names may not be familiar to you.
37:53However, if you was a resident in a certain town in Nevada, USA, their names have been on the tips of your tongues.
38:00Because they have just finished a sell-out season with Barry Manilow at the Desert Inn Las Vegas.
38:10Where did you get all that crap from?
38:18What a stupid question.
38:22They have chosen the starlight rooms in Peckham.
38:26How about that?
38:27So, ladies and gentlemen, a warm welcome, please, for Raquel and Tony.
38:36I was a ride for a while, I could smile for a while.
39:00But when I saw you last night, you held my hand so tight as you stopped to say hello.
39:09I thought you wished me while you were.
39:11I thought you wished me what you wanted.
39:15But I'd been calling you over you.
39:22Why?
39:23Why?
39:24Why?
39:25Why?
39:26Why?
39:27And you, you said so long.
39:31Let me span it all alone, alone and crying, crying, crying, crying She's bloody good, isn't she, Rodney, eh?
39:49Doesn't matter what Mal- I was trying, 누가 can I ask?
39:51Could you not see the touch of your hand and start me crying.
39:58I thought the life was over here
40:04But tell me now, what can I do?
40:10Why I do even more than I do?
40:14But darling, what can I do?
40:20Jesus loves me
40:24And I'll always be
40:29Kawaii
40:31Kawaii
40:34Kawaii
40:37Kawaii
40:39This night I'm your own
40:43And from the dawn on
40:48I'll be quiet
40:51Kawaii
40:53Kawaii
40:55Kawaii
40:56Kawaii
40:57Kawaii
40:58Kawaii
40:59Kawaii
41:00Kawaii
41:01Kawaii
41:02Kawaii
41:03Kawaii
41:04Kawaii
41:05Kawaii
41:06Kawaii
41:07Kawaii
41:08Kawaii
41:09Kawaii
41:10Kawaii
41:11Kawaii
41:12Kawaii
41:13Kawaii
41:14Kawaii
41:15Kawaii
41:16Kawaii
41:17Kawaii
41:18Kawaii
41:19Kawaii
41:20Kawaii
41:21What do you reckon him?
41:38I'll see you later.
41:39So how come you didn't know he had trouble with his R's?
41:54Cos he never told me.
41:56All he said was that he enjoyed singing certain songs.
41:59Cos see what he meant now?
42:00He only sings songs without R's in them.
42:03So he chose the songs for tonight.
42:06I didn't know, did I, eh?
42:07Hey, God knows what Eugene's mum's going to say.
42:12I never did like that front door anyway.
42:18You bastard.
42:20You just walked out and left us.
42:22What else could I do?
42:24I couldn't very well go up to Eugene's table and say,
42:26ha ha, that was all right, different, wasn't it, eh?
42:28Did you finish the performance?
42:30Oh, yes, Derek.
42:31We saw it through to the death.
42:33Please release me.
42:37Congratulations.
42:40And the green, green, glass of home.
42:46And that was followed by a medley of Wock and Woll.
42:57That is not funny, Wodney.
42:59I think it's hilarious.
43:02I haven't laughed so much since he got his beard in the food mix.
43:08If that's Eugene,
43:09tell him I've gone and get the hammer and nails.
43:13Who's there?
43:14Can I speak to Mr. Potter?
43:18Tony, let him in.
43:19I've come for me money.
43:25It's all right, all right.
43:26Not now, son, right?
43:27I'm up to me eyes at it.
43:28Come back tomorrow.
43:29No, not tomorrow.
43:31I want me money now.
43:33I did the performance, didn't I?
43:35I did the repertoire that you...
43:37You insisted on?
43:38Yeah, but I didn't know that you couldn't pronounce your R's, did I?
43:41What does that matter?
43:42It matters quite a lot when you're singing songs with R's in.
43:46Well, I don't sing songs with R's in.
43:48And if a song has got an R in it,
43:50well, I'd change the lyrics.
43:52Then why didn't you change the lyrics tonight?
43:54How can't I change the lyrics to Quying?
43:57No, this song's called Quying.
44:02Tony and I did everything you asked us to do, Del,
44:04so pay the man his money.
44:05And while we're at it, you owe me money as well.
44:07It's all right, sweetheart.
44:08We'll talk about that tomorrow, eh?
44:10Listen, Trotter, you're not cheating me.
44:13Crude Taylor Platt!
44:15I mean, it's all right for me to be cheated, though, isn't it, eh?
44:19And who's cheated you?
44:23Him, if he's cheating me, he did.
44:25Do you know what he did?
44:26He charged me £1.40 for bus fares, he did.
44:29And it's only when I was putting me dickie bow on
44:31that I realised he got a bus pass.
44:35And anyway, I don't suppose the Starlight Room's
44:37going to pay me anything after tonight's disaster.
44:40I'm going to be well out of pocket, me.
44:42We signed a contract.
44:44Oh, yes, I know, I know.
44:46But my brother drew up that contract
44:48and he put in a get-out clause.
44:51Did you, Rodney?
44:52No.
44:54And why didn't you?
44:56Because you didn't tell me to.
44:58And I ain't a lawyer.
44:59I sweep up and make the tea, you remember?
45:02And you owe me 50 quids.
45:04Yep.
45:06Oh, all right, all right.
45:08It's too brutal.
45:11There you are.
45:12One's yours.
45:15We'll talk about this tomorrow.
45:17All right, anything you say, Rodney, all right.
45:19You know what you've got, don't you?
45:21What?
45:21Do it.
45:22What?
45:23An ism.
45:24Ism?
45:25An ism.
45:26I ain't got an ism, have I, Rodney?
45:27Well, there's a lot of crap in a garage.
45:29You're not alone in your prejudice.
45:33We've got sexism, racism, heightism and ageism.
45:37Well, I, I'm a victim of pronunciationism.
45:43I've got a good voice.
45:44I've got good style.
45:47I've got perfect tone.
45:49But just because I've pronounced my holes differently
45:52from the west of you,
45:53I can never be a star.
45:56And just because of my pronunciation,
45:59you've dumped me.
46:00But what about me?
46:01Hey, I've got lumbered with a star
46:03whose props come from Lillian Skinners,
46:05Crown Toppers and Matisons.
46:11You can always find another thing, huh?
46:14I'm stuck with my problem.
46:16No one who pronounces ours like I do
46:18have ever become successful.
46:20It's Roy Jenkins and Jonathan Ross.
46:22Exactly.
46:23Exactly.
46:26Oh, it doesn't matter.
46:33See you, Del.
46:34Yeah.
46:35Come on, there you go, son.
46:38Wack hell.
46:39Bye, Tony.
46:41Woodney.
46:43See you, Tony.
46:43Well, don't you two look at me like that.
46:57I didn't invent pronunciationism.
47:00It's them out there, the public.
47:02If I had my way,
47:03I think everyone should be allowed to say
47:05what they like
47:06and how they want to say.
47:07It's a free country.
47:08Del's right.
47:09Ain't his fault.
47:10Thank you, Unc.
47:11Help yourself to a brandy.
47:19Hello, Trotters Independent Trade.
47:22Oh, hello, Eugene.
47:23Oh, yeah, you discovered that then, did you?
47:29Funny enough, I was just having a word about that
47:31with my road manager here.
47:35You what?
47:37Well, did she?
47:39I can't say that I blame her.
47:42How's she now?
47:43Oh, good.
47:48You what?
47:50Yeah.
47:51It's all right then, Eugene.
47:54I'll be round first thing in the morning.
47:56Yeah.
47:58Bonjour.
48:02Do you want to hide a pair of pliers in your pocket?
48:04No, he wants to sign you and Tony up
48:09for a five-week contract.
48:12His mum liked you.
48:14You were kidding.
48:16No, straight up.
48:17She reckoned it was the funniest thing
48:18she'd ever seen in her life.
48:22Tony!
48:23Tony!
48:24Tony!
48:24Where have you gone?
48:26Tony!
48:27Hey!
48:27Just a minute,
48:28I've got some more bookings for you.
48:30Stick with me, son,
48:31I'll make you witch.
48:34I'll make you witch.
48:35I'll make you witch.
48:40She's got some offense,
48:41back to some imagine
48:42and you can't put it on.
48:43TV, TV, TV,
48:45baby, baby, baby,
48:46no play.
48:46Cleveland, don't you?
48:48This means I never push.
48:49You've ever found your checks
48:50in to film a mission.
48:52She's a push, push, push, push,
48:53push, push, push, push, push.
48:55No income tax,
48:57no VAT,
48:58no money back,
48:59no guarantee.
49:01Black or white,
49:02rich or broke,
49:04a will-cut prices
49:06and a stroke.
49:09God bless
49:11Hooky Street,
49:12Viva
49:13Hooky Street,
49:15long-lived
49:17Hooky Street,
49:18same and defeat
49:19Hooky Street,
49:21man defeat
49:23Hooky Street.
49:25Hooky Street,
49:27Hooky Street,
49:30Hooky Street.
49:32Hooky Street.