- 1 day ago
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00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:30Why do only fools and horses work
00:33Oh come on Cassandra
00:45Yeah I know you've got your studying to do
00:49But can't we just go out for a quick drink
00:50Or a pizza or something
00:52Then you can do your studying when you get home
00:53Well you know
00:56What's because I like being with you
01:00I sort of miss you when we're not together
01:03Alright I'll tell you the truth
01:06I'm bored stiff in this flat
01:08What? Oh no that's Albert
01:11He's got himself a new spin dryer
01:13Well it was new once
01:15He bought it cheap because of the bomb damage
01:17Yeah so at the moment
01:21It's jumping around the kitchen
01:22Like a Dalek with St Vitus Dance
01:24Del?
01:27No he's asleep in a chair
01:28With his dodgy stomach
01:29Yeah he's still getting them pains
01:32Well he's going out later
01:34For a vindaloo
01:35Well no to him
01:38You see it's a sort of alternative medicine
01:39Well cos I don't want to go out with him
01:43For a curry
01:44No it's alright
01:46I'll just stay in here
01:47Albert's got that old bird of his coming round
01:50You know Elsie Partridge
01:51Remember I told you about her
01:52Yeah so we'll probably just you know
01:54Put on a few Max Bygrave's platters
01:56And sit here talking about our ailments
01:58That's a pity Down's going out really
02:01He'd have enjoyed that
02:02What?
02:05Oh that's very nice of him
02:06Well
02:07Tell your parents thank you very much
02:10I'd love to come to tea tomorrow
02:11Seven o'clock
02:13Yeah alright great
02:15What?
02:18I can't
02:20Because Del's in the room
02:24Del
02:32Del boy
02:35You know I love you
02:40Cool don't I tell you often enough
02:43Do you love me?
02:48Oh yeah very funny Cassandra
02:49I'm laughing this end as well
02:51Alright
02:54Alright I'll see you tomorrow
02:55Then
02:56Okay bye
02:57Here you are son
03:14I got a Chinese take away earlier
03:16I got fried pork
03:19Fried rice
03:21Fried something
03:23How can you stand it in that kitchen
03:26With all that heat and steam
03:27I'm an old naval stoker
03:28Aren't I?
03:29That's nothing to me
03:30I remember coming round Cape
03:32All once
03:33I was on this merchantman
03:34Well things you and your mates
03:36Used to get up to
03:37A merchantman's a ship
03:41Oh
03:43It was so hot and steamy in our boiler
03:46And when I'd come out
03:47I was shriveled like a prune
03:48So that's what calls it
03:51I hate you when you're in that sarky mood
03:55Here
03:55Do you think Del boy
03:56Like all this fried food
03:58He's been getting a bit
03:59Gyp in his tummy lately
04:01Nah he'll be alright
04:02Maybe you're right
04:03I'll get the knives and forks
04:05Sorry excuse me
04:13You alright bruv?
04:20Yeah
04:20How you feeling?
04:22Oh terrific rodders
04:23Yeah
04:24Bril
04:24Yeah what's all that funny whirring sound?
04:28Albert's spin dryer
04:29His what?
04:30God stow me
04:35Oi
04:35What is your game?
04:36What are you doing buying all this old junk?
04:39Yeah look at that
04:39Look it's knocking the paint off all the units there
04:41I've got to do this investment deal
04:44It cost us 50 pence to get our clothes dry at La Laundromat
04:49I bought that off the bloke upstairs for a score
04:52You dozy old twonk
04:54That's the one I sold him last week for a tenner
04:57Why didn't you come and ask me about these things first?
05:02Why didn't I bother you with you being ill?
05:04Ill?
05:04I'm not ill
05:05There's nothing wrong with me
05:06But you've got that tummy trouble again
05:09I haven't got any tummy trouble
05:11There's nothing wrong with me
05:12I've just got normal pains
05:13When you come in the night
05:15You flop straight down that chair in agony
05:17You don't understand, Unc
05:18That is PMA
05:20I thought only women got that
05:24No, Rodney, that is PMP
05:27PMA is positive mental attitude
05:33See, it's the new buzzword
05:34That's what all us yuppies get
05:35See, when I came in
05:37I laid down on this chair, right
05:39And what I was doing
05:40I was psyching myself up
05:41For the challenge of tomorrow
05:42Well, what was all that sweating
05:44And holding your belly about?
05:45Oh, that was nothing
05:47There's nothing wrong
05:47Oh
05:49Rodney, go to the bathroom
05:51Get me the Andrews liver salts, will you?
05:54I'll get you a plate of Chinese, Del
05:56God knows what those local takeaways are going to do
06:02When they know we're going to move
06:03Move?
06:04Didn't you see that letter?
06:06It arrived this morning
06:07It says on the envelope
06:08It's from the cultural housing department
06:11Yes, I know
06:11I've seen it
06:12I've read it
06:13Thank you
06:13Is it about them letting us buy this flat?
06:16No, it is not about them letting us buy this flat
06:18It's about them evicting us from this flat
06:20Evicting us?
06:21Just keep your voice down, will you?
06:23Gordon Bennett
06:24I don't want Rodney to hear any of this
06:29It's just that I
06:30I haven't paid the rent on the flat here for the last three months
06:33God, I mean, I knew things were a bit tight
06:36But I didn't know they were that bad
06:37Yeah, well, things haven't been going very well for me
06:39All my investments have gone sideways
06:42I mean, Rodney's been down the market all this week
06:45Trying to flog these exclusive women's fashions
06:48But what with all the frost and the sleet
06:50Nobody seems interested in summer dresses
06:52I've been tucked up on some of my other investments
06:56And at the end of the day
06:57I just couldn't afford to pay the rent
06:58No, but you're still drinking them pina coladas down the wine bars
07:02You're still eating in the curry houses and the bistros
07:05Yes, I know, but that is all on slate
07:07Anyway, I've got to keep up my image, haven't I?
07:09Once your competitors find out
07:10Or they get a little inkling that you're going down the pan
07:12They can't wait to pull the chain on you
07:14That little plonker Rodney hasn't been any help either
07:18Yeah, I suppose you're right
07:21Don't worry about it, Del
07:23Don't worry about it, worry about it
07:25Haven't had a decent night's kit for the last two weeks worrying about it
07:28It's with me everywhere all the time
07:30Something will turn up right out of the blue
07:32You'll see
07:33He who dares wins, eh?
07:35Yeah, he who dares
07:36Oh, you cow son
07:38Oh
07:39You've got to see a quack with that belly of yours
07:43I don't want to see no doctor
07:45Because there's nothing wrong with me
07:46Don't you go and get no doctor, Albert
07:49I don't like doctors
07:50You've got to go and see that Scottish quack
07:52What's his name?
07:53Dr Meadows
07:54Yeah, he's not like the normal doctor
07:57He's sort of human
07:58You know, you can talk to him
08:00He's like a mate
08:01Look, I do not want to go and speak to no doctor
08:04Meadows
08:04Because there's nothing wrong with me, all right?
08:06It's your life, son
08:07Yes, it is my life
08:09I don't want to hear no more about it
08:10Yeah, don't you think Del
08:13I want to go to the doctor's with his belly
08:14Well, he won't go to the doctor's though, will he?
08:18Because he is terrified of doctors
08:20Look, I am not terrified of doctors
08:22The reason I'm not going to see Dr Meadows
08:24Is because there's nothing wrong with me
08:26You're winding me up, Rodney
08:32You've seen Cassandra tonight?
08:36No, not tonight, huh
08:37No, he's seeing her tomorrow night for tea
08:39That's right
08:39And Mum and Dad said I could
08:43You cunning geeks
08:46You was air-wigging my conversation
08:49Of course I love you, Cassandra
08:51I tell you often to laugh, don't I?
08:57Mwah, mwah, mwah
09:00That is out of order, Derek
09:03God, stop me!
09:07It's a cordless phone, Rodney
09:09You could have talked in one of the other rooms
09:11Oh, yeah, like where?
09:12I can't use my bedroom
09:14Because the walls are so thin
09:15The people next door can hear
09:16And I can't use the kitchen
09:18Because you've got R2-D2 breakdancing out
09:20You could use the bathroom
09:22The bathroom?
09:24Albert, I cannot hold a romantic conversation
09:27Surrounded by damp towels
09:28Del soggy espadrilles
09:29And a bog with no lids
09:31Anyway, it's freezing in that bathroom
09:34You noticed that as well, have you?
09:35Well, you can't hardly fail to notice it, can you?
09:38Our bathroom window gets condensation on the outside
09:41Why do you think that room is so cold?
09:44Well, I don't know, do I?
09:46Now, listen, son
09:47Listen, you may call me a soppy old sod
09:50You're a soppy old sod
09:51Look, be serious, Rodney
09:53Us sailors are superstitious
09:55It's a sort of an affinity with a supernatural
09:59And I think there's a presence in that room
10:02A presence?
10:05Yeah
10:06When you're in the shower
10:08Don't you feel there's someone else there with you?
10:12Yeah
10:13But it usually is
10:15It's either Del having a shave
10:17Or you doing your toenails
10:18Isn't that roomy so cold?
10:20It's possessed
10:21Oh, leave off, honk
10:25Well, she partries as a medium
10:26She knows all there is to know about her
10:28About the supernatural
10:29And she said she can sense her presence in that bathroom
10:33Blimey
10:34Oh, blimey, Albat
10:37It's like a sauna out here
10:39When do you come and switch this thing off?
10:42It's nearly finished, Del
10:43Do you want to put anything else in it?
10:46Yes, your head
10:47Have you ever noticed how cold our bathroom is?
10:52Yeah, it does get a bit taters in there after a while, doesn't it, eh?
10:56When you're in there, right
10:57Do you ever get a feeling that you're not alone?
11:03I mean, like as if there's somebody in there with you?
11:06Yeah
11:06What sort of strange feeling?
11:10Yeah
11:11Like as if you're being watched?
11:14Yeah
11:14No, why, do you?
11:18No, no
11:19Oh, it's Albert
11:21Reckons he's possessed
11:23Possessed?
11:24Do me a favour
11:25Give us a couple of months
11:26It might be repossessed, if you like
11:28Oh, dear
11:30Elsie Partridge thinks our bathroom's haunted
11:47Haunted?
11:49Stop it, will you?
11:50You hurt me
11:51Elsie Partridge is a medium
11:53Is she?
11:55Well, you'd better whip that round to her then
11:56That'll fit her a treat that way, I'll tell you
12:01I'm not talking about her dress size
12:03She's a spiritualist
12:05She can contact her departed
12:07I suppose probably where she pulled you
12:08She has powers to help
12:11She's one of the true communicators
12:13Back in the early 60s
12:15She used to hold regular meetings in that hall above John Colliers
12:18People come from miles around to listen to Elsie
12:21They paid thousands of pounds to use her powers of communication
12:25Yeah, I think there's more to this occult lot than meets the eye, though
12:28Do me a favour, Rodders
12:29No self-respecting ghost is going to haunt our bathroom, is he?
12:33Especially after he's been in there
12:35And why is it always so cold?
12:39Well, it could be one of two reasons
12:41One, it could be, as you two say
12:43The phantom of the cars he has struck again
12:45Or two, it could be something to do with the fact
12:48That the council has put our extractor fan in the wrong way round
12:51Oh, yeah
12:54God, I was supposed to come back and mend now, weren't I?
12:57Yes
12:58Honestly, ghosts and ghouls
13:00You two slaughter me
13:02I suppose that extractor fan could have something to do with it
13:06Thousands of pounds?
13:10Eh?
13:10You said they paid that Elsie Partridge thousands of pounds
13:13Yeah
13:14She never took a penny of it, Del
13:16She used to send it to Battersea Dogs' home
13:18I bet she wish she'd kept some of it now
13:21She's only got her pension to live on
13:23They still paid her all that lovely money, though, didn't they?
13:25Yeah
13:26Yeah
13:26They'd pay a fortune to talk to their...
13:29No, no, Del, Del
13:31She's retired
13:32No, maybe she'd like a little part-time job, eh?
13:34No, just drop it, eh, Del?
13:36Well, no, see what this means?
13:38This means that you were right
13:39Was I?
13:39Yes
13:40You said to me, you said
13:41Don't worry, something will come out of the blue to save our bacon
13:43And this is it
13:44Me and Elsie Partridge
13:46What a combination
13:47The old-aged pensioner with a priceless gift
13:49And the successful yuppie who's brassic lint
13:52We can make a fortune for each other, eh?
13:56I do believe that this is God
13:57Sending me a sign
13:59Oh, God!
14:02Come and sit down, Del
14:03Oh
14:04What can I get you?
14:05Yeah, a pina colada with lots of ice
14:07Here, Boise
14:11Can we have a word?
14:14Yes, what is it?
14:16Do you remember that old coltina
14:19You said me and Jeven would never sell?
14:22What coltina's that, then?
14:23That two-tone one
14:24Blue and rust
14:25Well, me and Mickey sold it the other day
14:29Well, that coltina was a death trap
14:31You should be ashamed of yourselves
14:32You sold it to us
14:34Did I?
14:35Oh, yes, yes, yes
14:38So I did, that's right, yes
14:39Well, not a bad little runabout, was it, I suppose?
14:43So, er, you and Jeven partners now or something, are you?
14:48Yeah, we're doing a bit of trading
14:49We specialise in anything
14:51Well, why don't you pop round my showrooms during the week?
14:54I've got a few old bangers out the back you might have a go
14:56Yeah, thanks, boys
14:58All right
14:58Here, would your Marlene be interested in a crimp-lean dress with great big flowers all over it?
15:05Well, of course she wouldn't
15:06Oh, that's a shame, cos Rodney Trotter's got loads of them
15:09Yeah, if there's anything else you want, Mrs. Parsons, just give us a shout, right?
15:18She's here
15:19Well, who's here?
15:20Well, that spiritualist woman
15:21Here, to tell you the truth, Trig, I'm having second thoughts about letting Del use that room upstairs for this seance
15:26You don't honestly believe in all that mumbo-jumbo, do you, Michael?
15:30Well, I don't actually believe it
15:32I just don't like taking the chance
15:34Michael, if Elsie Partridge really could raise the dead, half the money lenders in Peckham would be employing her
15:40No, no, it's all a load of old tosh
15:43Only a simpleton would believe in it
15:45Well, I believe in it
15:47Say no more
15:52If he still leaves a glass of milk and biscuits out on Christmas Eve
15:56My mum went to a seance once
15:58She got a message from the other side
16:01Said she'd meet a tall, bald stranger who would alter her fortunes
16:05A week later, she got mugged by a skinhead
16:08There you go, Boycey
16:11You can't argue with that, can you?
16:12I mean, there's got to be something in all this supernatural stuff
16:15My old gran was a bit of a medium
16:17A few years after my grandfather died, she made contact with him
16:21Oh, yes? What did he say?
16:24Nothing
16:24Nothing
16:28Well, he was dead, weren't he?
16:31Yeah, but she just made contact across the veil
16:33Yeah, but for the last 15 years of his life, they didn't talk to each other
16:37Then he kept the rail going?
16:40Yeah
16:40Well, he was a stubborn man
16:42Well, they must have been interesting seances
16:45A mad medium and a spook with the hump
16:49Hold up, here come the ghostbusters
16:54Yeah, well, there's a lot of them
16:56Pina colada for me, the usual for everyone else
16:58Del?
16:59A word
17:00It's all right, Michael, yes, come in, come in
17:02Are you, er, are you paying for these drinks or what?
17:05It's all right, don't worry about it, Michael
17:06Don't worry, it'll be all right
17:07No, no, no, this slate of yours, Del, is getting out of hand
17:10That Mrs Partridge has just arrived, right?
17:12And she's had food and drink all on your slate
17:14All right, look, don't go on about it, mate, will you?
17:16Over the last few months, you've had more cocktails than James Bond
17:20And a fried lunch every day and all on the slate
17:24Oh, I might, I'll tell you what
17:25Look, give me a couple of weeks, I'll sort it all out with you
17:27You've had about ten packs of cigars, all on the slate
17:30And even the rent for the room upstairs is on the slate
17:32Michael, unless your attitude changes, I shall be forced to take my business elsewhere
17:36Good
17:38No, wait a minute, Michael, no, no, sit down
17:40Sit down, listen
17:41I've been sailing the good ship Trotter
17:45Through a little patch of fiscal turbulence
17:47All right
17:48But as soon as I get old Elsie Partridge
17:51Firing on all four cylinders, I'll be laughing
17:53I mean, within a month, she'll be bringing them back to order, won't she?
17:56Listen, look
17:57I've worked out a little price list and all
17:59What do you reckon on this, then? Look
18:00Neighbours and family friends, three quid
18:03Relatives are fiver
18:04Spouses and pets are ten or each
18:06And a score for Elvis Presley
18:07This time next year, I'll be a millionaire
18:11And just think what this is going to do to you, Michael
18:13She'll be drawing them in from the four corners of the kingdom, right?
18:17So not only will you be getting the rent from the room upstairs
18:20But once the show is finished, all the pilgrims will be pouring down here for good old jolly-up, won't they?
18:25I mean, your takings will treble overnight, Michael
18:27Eh?
18:28Come on, you know it makes sense, don't you?
18:30What do you reckon, Mike?
18:31Eh?
18:31Eh?
18:32Yeah, I suppose
18:33Goals, you know it's right
18:34Well, well done, boys
18:37No, but listen, son, I'm still a bit worried, though
18:39Oh, leave it out, Michael
18:40No, no, no, we're dealing with the powers of darkness here
18:43I mean, are we going to end up with tables and chairs flying all round the bar?
18:47No more than a normal Friday night
18:49Well, I agree with Mike
18:52Oh, come on, Bobby, don't you?
18:54No, no
18:54Because we're messing about with the supernatural here
18:57There's no telling what evil forces we might evoke
18:59Yeah, you could have Satan himself come crashing through the wall
19:02It's a pity Rodney put on his best suit then, isn't it?
19:05Now, listen, fellas, this pub was built on the site of a public grave
19:09where the victims of the Great Plague were buried
19:11Oh, well, that's all we need, isn't it?
19:13Then popping up to celebrate Agincourt
19:16It'll be covered in boils and scabs and things
19:19It'll be like a singing detective look-alike contest, won't it?
19:24Sounds like her sign to get started
19:30Well, it might not mean that
19:32Well, I have it out if she's got cramp in her wooden leg
19:36Come on, Rodders, come on, lads, let's get up there
19:38Come on
19:40Right, now then
19:44Elsie, don't forget, this is only a dummy run
19:46So don't go knocking your pipe out
19:47The real seance when the punters come in with the serious do-re-mi
19:52is not till next Tuesday night
19:53Derek, God gave me the gift to communicate with the next world
19:58Now, I've never profited by it
20:00I only want to share it with people
20:03And God gave me the gift to make bunts
20:05and I only want to share it with you
20:06So you're not going to say no, it's a bit of cash in the penny, are you?
20:10I suppose not
20:11No, of course you're not
20:12Lovely jubbly, so everyone's a winner, right?
20:15Ready when you are, Elsie?
20:17Eyes down for a full hour somewhere
20:18Off and running
20:20Now, before we start, I would like to know
20:24Have any of you been to a seance before?
20:27I've been to quite a few
20:29I think he starred in most of them
20:31Well, you show some respect
20:35Well, Rodney, it's only a bit of a laugh, isn't it?
20:37No, Derek, it is not a bit of a laugh
20:39It's a very serious matter
20:41All right
20:44Now, anything you say, sweetheart?
20:45Now, before we start
20:48Have any of you any questions?
20:51Er, yeah
20:51Er, they don't, you know
20:53They don't actually appear in the room, do they?
20:55You know, the, er, the spirits
20:56Oh, don't worry, Mike
20:58Just do what you normally do
20:59Water them down
21:00There's no materialisation
21:06No, they appear to me
21:08Only because of my gift of paranormal perception
21:12She's got all the patter, hasn't she, Rodney, eh?
21:15I can feel a whip round coming on
21:17Will you shut up for five minutes?
21:21So, er, we don't actually sort of hear them chatting or what have you?
21:25No, they speak through me
21:28I am the receiver, the antennae, the, the aerial
21:31Now, those spirits who wish to communicate
21:36Will congregate behind you
21:40So, er, can I actually foresee the future?
21:51No
21:52This is not astrology or fortune-telling
21:55Though the spirits may give advice or warning
21:58Which, if acted upon, could alter your future lives
22:02He's hoping you might get a tip for the derby
22:05Go along, cut it out, Del Boy
22:09Well, let's show a bit of respect
22:10Now, I think it's time we began
22:14May I ask you, once contact has been made
22:19Refrain from interrupting
22:21Now, hands on the table
22:26Fingers touching
22:30Concentrate
22:37What's she doing?
22:59She's going
23:00I can see that
23:12Why is she doing it?
23:14She's gone into a trance
23:15Thank God for that
23:17She had one of my pies earlier
23:19The spirits are with us
23:26A man has stepped forward
23:33A tall elderly man wearing a black coat and a black hat
23:37He wishes to speak to someone called Audrey
23:40Arbree
23:42No, no, no
23:42Aubrey
23:43Arbree?
23:43Aubrey!
23:43Aubrey?
23:44Aubrey?
23:45Aubrey!
23:55I am here
23:56You never said your name was Aubrey
24:06Nor would you if your name was Albright.
24:12This man seems agitated.
24:14He's brandishing a piece of paper.
24:17Have you any idea who it could be?
24:20No.
24:22This piece of paper, it's not a log book for a Cortina, is it?
24:25No, it's a photograph, a black and white photograph.
24:30It shows this man, but years younger.
24:34There's an odd-looking boy standing beside him, five or six years old.
24:39Evil face.
24:40What is he?
24:42It's you and your dad.
24:45Yeah, that's right.
24:48He was the only one who ever called me Aubrey.
24:51There is a sadness about the photograph, as though something was missing.
24:56Oh, yes, of course, your mother, she isn't with you.
25:00No.
25:01Had she passed over to the other side?
25:04No, she was taking a photo.
25:07This man is worried.
25:13He says you must be a good father.
25:16You must look after your child.
25:19Is he having a pop at me or something?
25:22Elsie, Boise and his wife Marlene can't have kids.
25:26No, they've been trying for years, you know, but Nitto.
25:29Yeah.
25:30They've had tests, things frozen, everything.
25:33Most people have just about given up with him.
25:36He's low on something.
25:38Do you mind not discussing my personal life in front of strangers?
25:45You could tell my old man to keep his nose out of my business.
25:50He was always having a go at me for not giving him a grandchild.
25:53All right.
25:54Calm down.
25:55Aubrey.
25:56Wrap up for a start.
26:00I'm going to get a drink.
26:03It's all a load of old rubbish anyway.
26:05I never believed a word of it.
26:07Excuse me.
26:09Are the spirits still with us, Elsie?
26:14Yes, yes, yes.
26:15They're still here.
26:17Close the circle.
26:21Someone else has stepped out.
26:24It's a woman.
26:27Tall sander, long blonde hair.
26:31Fingers covered in rings of ruby and gold.
26:35Bracelets adorn the wrists.
26:39You know who that is, don't you?
26:42Sounds like Jimmy Savile.
26:45Jimmy Savile.
26:47That is our mother.
26:51Sorry, dear boy.
26:53Both.
26:54Jimmy Savile.
26:56She's a chick.
26:59She says she's proud of her children.
27:03She says you have both worked hard to succeed, but never mind.
27:08She wants you to know that she is with you always.
27:15Wherever you are or whatever you're doing, she is looking over you.
27:21She says you mustn't mourn her any longer.
27:24She is happy.
27:26She is at peace.
27:27Oh, Mrs. Paltridge.
27:28Don't interrupt, Rodney.
27:29I just wanted to clear something up.
27:32When she says she's looking over us all the time, right?
27:36Well, she doesn't mean all the time, does she?
27:41Oh, I think the spirit world would have its own ideas on discretion.
27:46Yeah.
27:47She is concerned for you, Derek.
27:58Me?
28:00What about me?
28:02She is concerned for your health.
28:05I'm all right, Mum.
28:08Nothing wrong.
28:09I've never felt better.
28:10She says you are not well.
28:12She feels your pain.
28:14Oh, no, that's just a bit of jit, that's all.
28:18That's probably an onion bargy lodge somewhere.
28:21LAUGHTER
28:22She wants you to go and see a doctor.
28:25No, there's nothing the matter with me.
28:29She insists.
28:31No, I don't want to go and see a doctor.
28:34You know I don't like doctors.
28:37Oh, they're becoming distant.
28:40They're drifting away.
28:42Can't you get them back, Els?
28:44Is there anybody there?
28:47If there's anybody there, talk to us.
28:51Say something.
28:56Lagers off.
28:58LAUGHTER
29:00You made me jump.
29:06What do you think you've made us do?
29:09I've got customers waiting down there.
29:11All right, all right, I'm coming.
29:13Go on, go on.
29:15I'll get your coat out.
29:19So what are you going to do, Belle?
29:21Hey, what about?
29:22What about a message from Mum?
29:24I'll do you a favour, Ronnie.
29:26You didn't believe all that, did you?
29:28Well, you seem pretty convinced.
29:29At one point, I thought you was going to suck your thumb and fry a paddy.
29:33LAUGHTER
29:34I was only doing it for Elsie, weren't I?
29:36I mean, she's a genuine old lady who most probably believes that she's getting these messages.
29:40But at the end of the day, it's a load of old rubbish.
29:42Yeah, I think that boy's right, Dave.
29:44I mean, she got a message saying that Boycey's got to look after his kid.
29:48Yeah, that's right.
29:49And everyone knows that Nelson's column has got more chance of knocking out a nipper than Boycey.
29:54What?
29:55Oi, so you ain't going to the doctor's?
29:57No, I'm not going to the doctor's.
29:59Because there is nothing wrong with me.
30:01Derek!
30:02I'll see you in a bar, Albert.
30:03Well, come on down, Rodney.
30:05It'll only take you ten minutes.
30:07Thanks for doing that, Els.
30:09That's the first time I've ever lied to anyone at a sitting.
30:13And I only gave Derek that message because you asked me to.
30:18I'm grateful.
30:19He wouldn't take any notice of me and Rodney.
30:22The only one he'd ever listened to was his mum.
30:25Oh.
30:26Right, then.
30:27Come on, Rodney.
30:28Here, there.
30:29It's where are them posters.
30:30Rodney, stick these up in the window.
30:31The sooner the devotees get to know about them, the better.
30:33Dale!
30:34Oh, Marlene!
30:35Hello, darling.
30:36What are you doing here, eh?
30:37Well, Boycey's just told me what that Elsie Partridge said.
30:38Oh, now, don't you start.
30:39I've been having enough trouble with Rodney and Albert.
30:40There's nothing the matter with me.
30:41Well, the only one he'd ever listened to was his mum.
30:42The only one he'd ever listened to was his mum.
30:43Oh.
30:44Right, then.
30:45Come on, Rodney.
30:46Come on, Rodney.
30:47Here, there.
30:48It's where are them posters.
30:49Rodney, stick these up in the window.
30:50What Elsie Partridge said.
30:51Oh, now, don't you start.
30:52I've been having enough trouble with Rodney and Albert.
30:55There's nothing the matter with me.
30:56I'm not talking about your illness.
30:57I mean what she said to Boyce.
30:59Oh, listen, darling.
31:01You don't want to take any notice of what Elsie Partridge says,
31:04because it's all a con, you see.
31:07No, you don't understand.
31:09I'm having a baby.
31:12Your what?
31:17I've just had it confirmed at the hospital.
31:22So, what do you think about that, then, eh?
31:26Oh, God.
31:28What was that with him, then?
31:32Sympathy pains.
31:33A lot of men go through phantom pregnancies.
31:35I thought that only happened to the father.
31:38Come in.
31:46Oh, sorry.
31:48Is Dr Meadows about, a Scottish doctor?
31:51No.
31:52Dr Meadows left general practice two years ago.
31:54He's working at the local hospital.
31:56I've taken over from him.
31:57I'm Dr Shahid.
31:59You're a woman.
32:03Well, well.
32:05So I am.
32:06Nobody ever tells me anything these days.
32:09You're Mr Trotter.
32:11Oh, no.
32:12Well, come in.
32:13Take a seat.
32:15What's the problem?
32:21Me?
32:22No, nothing at all.
32:24You're not ill?
32:26No, no.
32:27I never felt better in me life.
32:28Mr Trotter, I have a waiting room full of sick people.
32:32Now, what is it you want?
32:33A certificate?
32:34No, no, I don't want a certificate.
32:35I mean, I'm self-unemployed.
32:37No.
32:38It's just that it's hardly worth bothering you about, really.
32:42Why don't you let me be the judge of that?
32:44Now, what's the problem?
32:46All right.
32:47Well, I've been getting a bit of Cynthia.
32:50Cynthia?
32:51Pain.
32:52Pain.
32:53Where do you get this pain?
32:54Well, all over, really.
32:55I mean, this morning I got it in the lift.
32:56No, no.
32:57Where on your body?
32:58Oh, right.
32:59Get it in the old New Delhi, don't I?
33:00New Delhi?
33:01Yeah, the belly.
33:02You're not from round these parts, are you?
33:03No, I'm from New Delhi.
33:04Really?
33:05Not much point calling you in an emergency then, is it?
33:08I mean, I was born in New Delhi and now I live in Peckham.
33:10Yeah, yeah, I know.
33:11It's just a joke, you see.
33:12Oh, yeah.
33:13Oh, yeah.
33:14Oh, yeah.
33:15Oh, yeah.
33:16Oh, yeah.
33:17Oh, yeah.
33:18Oh, yeah.
33:19Oh, yeah.
33:20Oh, yeah.
33:21Oh, yeah.
33:22Oh, yeah.
33:24Oh, yeah.
33:25Oh, yeah.
33:26Oh, yeah.
33:27Oh, yeah.
33:28Oh, yeah.
33:29Oh, yeah.
33:30Oh, yeah.
33:31Yes.
33:32Very good.
33:34What sort of pain is it?
33:36Well, it hurts.
33:40Yes, but is it a sharp pain or a dull pain?
33:43Well, it's a bit of both, really.
33:46Would you strip to the waist, please, Mr Trotter?
33:49Er, no, no, it's all right, Doc.
33:51No, you don't need for that.
33:52I mean, just give me a couple of pills, that's all.
33:54I'd like to examine you.
33:55Please strip to the waist and lie on the couch.
34:01Oh, yeah.
34:04Do you smoke, Mr Trotter?
34:06Not just now, thank you, Doctor.
34:10I wasn't offering.
34:11I was enquiring.
34:13Oh, I see.
34:14No, I don't smoke.
34:15Well, I have one cigar a year on Christmas night.
34:17Er, I'm trying to cut down.
34:19Oh.
34:20One cigar a year wouldn't do you much harm.
34:23Do you, er, have any trouble passing water?
34:26I had a dizzy spell going over Tower Bridge once.
34:28You have bouts of dizziness?
34:29No, no, it was your joke, Doctor.
34:30It was your joke, wasn't it?
34:31I think it would be best if we stopped all the joking.
34:44I'm finding this rather confusing.
34:47Do you ever suffer from constipation?
34:49No, regulars clockwork.
34:51You have plenty of roughage in your diet?
34:53Nothing but roughage.
34:54Muesli, brown bread, all day.
34:55I'm a very organic person.
34:57That's very good.
34:58Even in this day and age,
34:59you'd be surprised the number of people
35:00that still exist on fried foods and takeaways.
35:03Not me, Doc.
35:04I'm like a walking grow bag.
35:08When they bury me,
35:09there'll be rhubarb everywhere within six months.
35:18Mr. Trotter,
35:19when I said strip to the waist,
35:21I meant the top half.
35:25You can put your shirt back on now, Mr. Trotter.
35:28I hope my stethoscope wasn't too cold for you.
35:30No, no, not at all.
35:31Round here, you know,
35:32we call them deaf-o-scopes.
35:33Really?
35:34Why?
35:35Well, because if you can't hear anything,
35:36either we're dead or you're deaf.
35:37Are you a heavy drinker, Mr. Trotter?
35:38Me?
35:39No, no, I'm teetotal.
35:40Well, you know, I have the odd mineral water,
35:42goat-skinned milk and all that.
35:43You have a very high pulse rate.
35:44Oh, thank you, Doctor.
35:45No, I'm concerned about it.
35:46I mean, it's almost as if you're frightened of something.
35:48Frightened?
35:49Me?
35:50No, I don't know the meaning of the word.
35:51No, I know what it was.
35:52It was, er,
35:53I jogged down here for the surgery from the gym this evening.
35:54That's what it was.
35:55Oh, that would explain it.
35:56I wish all my patients were as health-conscious as you, Mr. Trotter.
35:59May we, may we.
36:00So, what have you written a pain's iron in, Doc?
36:01Well, to tell you the truth,
36:02I'm not sure.
36:03I'd like you to go down to the local hospital
36:04and have a few tests done.
36:05There could be a few tests done.
36:06You can't be done.
36:07I can't believe it.
36:08Well, I've learned about it.
36:09I mean, it's almost as if you're frightened of something.
36:10Frightened?
36:11Me?
36:12No, I don't know the meaning of the word.
36:13No, I know what it was.
36:14It was, er,
36:15I jogged down here for the surgery from the gym this evening.
36:16That's what it was.
36:17Oh, that would explain it.
36:18I wish all my patients were as health-conscious as you, Mr. Trotter.
36:20May we, may we.
36:21the pains are in doc well to tell you the truth i'm not sure i'd like you to go down to the local
36:28hospital and have a few tests done oh yeah okay well i'll make an appointment tomorrow morning
36:33then shall i no i'd like you to go now now you mean this minute yes you may have a grumbling
36:44appendix now i emphasize the word may if that should prove to be the case we have to remove
36:49it as quickly as possible what do you mean cut it out yes i mean cut it out but it might not be an
36:58appendix maybe so if it's not an appendix what could it be well let's not speculate hmm well
37:04let's hope it's an appendix then shall we um don't have to go by ambulance do i no but i don't want
37:11you jogging there you can call a minicab no it's all right give me brother a bell he can come down and
37:17take me down there i'll call the hospital and tell them you're on your way yeah okay
37:24i'll uh use the phone in reception yeah all right
37:34rodney hello rodders it's me doll boy yes yes i'm here at the doctor's yes listen um look there's nothing
37:43to worry about but i want you to come down here and uh give me a lift down at a hospital yeah i've
37:50got to go to right away now listen listen i said it's nothing to worry about so i don't want you
37:54driving 100 miles an hour and having an accident nothing like that well no of course i can't get a
38:01cab i don't care if neighbors has just started look i'm at the quacks and i want you to take me to the
38:09hospital i need you here rodney i want i wanted
38:17i don't want to go on my own
38:21you all right i'll see you in a minute
38:25there you go trick cheers mike what can i get you then rodney oh uh lemonade with ice non-alcoholic
38:31lager top and a small rum right here and he knew some of the hospital rodney no not really he ain't
38:37got a grumbling appendix i don't seem to know what it is still they're keeping him in you know they're
38:42running tests keeping him under observation and that yeah must be horrible that what we're laying in
38:48bed all day with someone standing there looking at you no trick they don't just keep
38:54yeah it must be horrible yeah years ago i had a mate like that doctors couldn't find out what was
39:02wrong with him and he died did he yeah oh i'm not saying that del's got that no yeah well let's hope
39:12not hey oh listen mike we're going to visit him this evening right and he asked whether you could
39:15do him a bacon sandwich with lots of brown sauce because he can't stand that hospital food but it'd be
39:20all cold and greasy by this evening yeah so he likes it oh well he also said would you send up a
39:26bottle of coke and put some bacardi in it so the old matron won't suss yeah all right leave it to me
39:30rodney that's all i've got that'll do
39:43cheer up a little bit rodney i mean dale's in the best place isn't he oh yeah he's in the best
39:48place i just wish i knew what was wrong with him maybe on second force i don't want enough
39:55when i was stationed out in new guinea oh god
40:02a crewmate of mine went down with a mysterious tummy bug just like dell's finest medical brains in
40:09jaya pura couldn't make out what it was huh your dad still thinking about buying that new jake yeah he's
40:16looking at one tomorrow yeah until this american surgeon arrived on the scene
40:23he twigged it straight away and what was it green parrot disease
40:30well that's certainly worth knowing albert thank you very much
40:34you're going to tell the doctor in charge of dell's case you know he might not have thought of it
40:37nah that would have been one of the first things he'd have thought how the hell's dell gonna get
40:41green parrot disease in peckham well i admit it's a long shot just grabbing at straws i suppose
40:49yeah yeah well we're all doing that albert i'm sorry i'm gonna put a drop of black carrot in this
40:57can i visit dell with you this evening yeah it's worth a journey just to see his pajamas
41:02he's never been ill before well you know he's been ill but he's never been in hospital he's terrified
41:10of them he got stabbed once outside a dance hall there was blood all over his shirt four inch gash
41:17in his shoulder but he never went to hospital he didn't have it treated right did it himself tcp in
41:23a flannel did he know the person who did it yeah and i bet he didn't report it to the police nah
41:30well he couldn't really he was engaged to her at the time
41:39i prayed last night i prayed dell wouldn't die rodney that's not going to happen
41:45no no as soon as i'd done it i thought well that's stupid bill ain't gonna die
41:54he's not the type
42:02so anyway they took some more samples samples of my blood samples of
42:09samples of everything now they want me to fast for 24 hours
42:14well why is that are they running more tests tomorrow yeah i'll tell you what i'll be
42:1712 pounds three gallons lighter than when i came in i know that
42:22what you do you're not supposed to be in that
42:26i know rudy but this fasting makes you hungry
42:29it doesn't affect the results of your tests give over girl it's only a bacon sandwich and a bit of
42:34brown sauce exactly i read it in one of the local papers somewhere it's one of the few hospitals in
42:40the country that doesn't have a bacon sandwich detector i don't believe you derek when a doctor
42:47says you're supposed to fast for 24 hours then you should fast for 24 hours what did you bring the
42:52sandwich in for then because i didn't know you were supposed to be fasting and you're not supposed
42:57to be drinking that either that's got baccati in it keep your noise down will you listen with the
43:03sort of measures mike gives there's less spirits in that than it was at our seance
43:08yeah that wasn't last night the pucker sounds night yeah oh did it go well um not quite as well as
43:20we'd expected it was a total cock up from where i was standing well come on tell me well you know
43:27those posters you put up in the pub windows with the seance and the ghostly face yeah yeah well a lot
43:33of people got the wrong impression they thought the seance was a group with punk rockers special brew
43:41everywhere people shouting acid all that they're expecting to see an iron maiden type band then elsie
43:51partridge walked out in her hat they weren't less pleased though fortunately she remained in a trance
43:58throughout the riot she was still in it this morning when i went around her flat it's amazing
44:06it's amazing i only organized that sounds at the goodness of my heart to help people over there
44:10over their loss now that they faint me hey they chuck it back in me face still you tried
44:19visiting time's over can't say i'm disappointed i hate these places death and sickness everywhere
44:28they're not all that they're cracked up to be young take care bye-bye sweetheart thanks for coming
44:33bye-bye you look after him now will you yeah i'll see he's all right i hope you feel better soon
44:38down there's nothing wrong with me i don't know what i'm doing in here
44:43i'll see you tomorrow yeah all right hang on there hang on will you i'll see you outside all right
44:47what's up i'm scared ruddy oh come on dale you're in hospitals i know that's why i'm scared i mean can
45:05you think of a better place to be yes in the pub down the market anywhere but here
45:10i think i know what's wrong with me
45:20what
45:24i think i've got you know
45:30you mean
45:31no
45:36not
45:39yes
45:39don't be stupid
45:43what must you think that because the doctors found out that i was a bachelor and they started
45:48asking questions about my social activities
45:52bloody hell yeah it's all right i didn't tell them nothing i made out i was like an amateur monk you know
45:57well i've been laying here you know thinking about my past well what's the point in depressing yourself
46:08think about some of the birds i'm knocked about with and blimey rodney
46:12some of them have been around the track more times than a lurcher
46:17you're just being irrational
46:20am i
46:20and what about that that unisex hairdresser send down the high street
46:25well what about it well i went in there last month for a trim didn't i and i thought i was
46:30going to get one of the dolly birds with the mini skirts you know and all that
46:33who did i get they give me some mush called jason
46:37so
46:38so
46:40saying he's a bandit
46:42well you cannot go around making accusations against innocent people
46:51anyway you can't catch it off a cone
46:54i'll be saying he's nicked the back of my neck or something with a razor or something
46:57so as long as he doesn't kiss it better you're laughing
47:00and then there's uncle albert in there
47:03blimey he's been around the world more times than phileus fog
47:05he's not picked up and then there's you and that computer
47:09my computer yes i was reading about it all them computer viruses
47:15now
47:17look calm down right
47:20i understand your fears and concerns right but you're just letting your imagination run away with you
47:27if you had that or anything as serious as that they would have known by now
47:33these doctors are experts you know
47:38yeah yeah yeah of course you're right rodney i'm
47:43i haven't thought of that okay can't be that serious can it well of course not
47:52so you just remember that next time you're lying here at night thinking about all these women and
47:57male hairdressers you've known they've got a spare bed downstairs if you're interested
48:07go on i'll see you tomorrow yeah
48:08all right
48:18hold on don't you die don't you bloody die i'm not gonna die you plonker i've just sat on my bacon sandwich
48:24aren't you eating that
48:34no i'm not in the mood sweetheart it's fresh fish well no it's fresh just winked at me
48:40i'll have to tell matron no it's all right didn't really wink at me no i mean if a patient
48:45doesn't eat his food i have to report it oh go on then you go and grasp me up i'm not frightened of the old cow
48:50eat nurse any news on my application for a bed bath sorry
49:04you've got to make a decision mr trotter we can either save you or the baby
49:10robbie meadows you old git please bell not in front of the staff oh yeah sorry
49:17dr meadows you'll get what brings you here i've got good news and bad news now the good news is they
49:24put me in charge of your case oh what's the bad news i specialize in amputation
49:33it's a good one here do you still get down the old 111 club no not anymore
49:39del a pack gambling in some mugs game you still go down there oh yeah
49:47anyway how come you're in charge it was an accident really i just happened to be talking to some
49:52colleagues when the name derek trotter cropped up so i asked if i could read your gp's report and have
49:56a look at your tests i was amazed i found myself reading about this non-smoking t-total celibate
50:03vegetarian health freak i thought can this be the same derek trotter that i know and begrudgingly admire
50:10that uptight wheeling dealing pina colada lout the castella king the curry connoisseur the same man
50:19who's lived his life on nervous tension fried bread and doubtful women and was it yeah
50:25why did you lie to your gp del well she's a doctor isn't she i don't understand well you never told
50:36the doctors the truth otherwise they put you in the hospital but you've been put in hospital yeah
50:41i know but i didn't mean that to happen did i i thought you'd just give me a bottle of jollup del
50:44if you'd have told the truth in the first place my colleagues could have diagnosed your problem in
50:48a quarter of the time as it was they thought they were dealing with a perfect man but all the time it
50:53was you it confused them threw them onto the wrong tracks well told her i did have a cigar at christmas
51:02time what about the other 10 000 throughout the rest of the year oh that reminds me we found your
51:08cigar holder in the body scanner oh oh yeah cheers must have fallen out me robe we now know what's wrong
51:17with you del all right let's hear the worst i can take it i'm not frightened don't pull any punches
51:30on it straight from the shoulder yeah i think it's best in the long run well basically derek there's
51:38nothing wrong with you oh oh oh oh thank god thank god thank i love thank buddha thank you thank you
51:50god relieved eh well you know what about these pains what are these pains then though you have an irritable
52:03bowel i'm not surprised with you not pulling me about no no that's what your condition is called
52:09you have an irritable bowel syndrome it's nothing serious i'll put you in a course of drugs
52:15your condition has been caused by your lifestyle the late nights the booze the nicotine the fried
52:21fast foods do you ever think about all that saturated fat floating around your arteries
52:25well i try not to puts me off my grub one of the major contributory factors of this syndrome is stress
52:34a lot of yuppies suffer from it
52:39del i took the liberty of phoning the director of housing about your rent arrears
52:44ah how did you find out i phoned your flat i'm sorry mate i had to find out what the hell was going
52:49on i spoke to your uncle the council have agreed to give you some breathing space a bit of time to
52:55get yourself together right cheers rubby you've been given a warning del nature's way of telling
53:03you to eat muesli for breakfast cut right down on the drink and the cigars eat wholesome real food
53:11and above all else learn to relax doctor's orders right will do here pop this into the pharmacy on your
53:19way home you mean i can go yeah and don't come back i want you convalescing for the next three weeks
53:28i don't want you working or getting excited sit in a chair eat boring foods and live a boring life
53:34that'll be easy i'll sit in the flat and talk to my uncle albert see you around yes thank you thanks very
53:42much robbie
53:47uh i knew there was nothing wrong with me
53:50i knew there was nothing wrong with me
54:01sickly old sod
54:07here i do
54:08breakfast ah good what is it it's muesli
54:14blimey it looks like something that's been swept out of a pigeon loft
54:22well you can at least try it
54:28it tastes like something that's been swept out of a pigeon loft
54:32i can't eat this for the rest of my life i'd rather croak it than eat this rubbish
54:35well don't get excited you bring your pains back on all the quack said was you've got to get a sensible
54:41diet used is just part of it all right all right all right i'll do you a cup of tea son yeah all right
54:52how many cigars did that doctor say that i could have a day she said three how many have i had four
54:59all right
55:07all right yeah terrific rodders oh what's up with you now
55:13look there's nothing the matter with me all that happened was i picked up some sort of syndrome
55:17and you two treat me like an invalid
55:19oi we are not treating you like an invalid we are trying to do our best by you
55:24yeah it's all right i'm sorry rodders it's all right albert i've got a con plan
55:32so are you feeling relaxed yes i'm relaxed all over thank you good
55:39because i've got some really great news oh yeah what is it i'm getting married
55:45so
55:53we've got some
55:55And there's a couple times
55:57TV, beach, food
55:58And baby, baby, no peace
56:00Even coaching
56:01Whistling, don't let a piss
56:03And grab it like your check suits
56:04Grab my mission
56:05Shepherds Bush
56:06Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush, Bush
56:08No income tax, no VAT
56:11No money back, no guarantee
56:14Black or white, forget your bill
56:18We make up prices and a stroke
56:22God bless, Wookiee Street
56:25Free heart, Wookiee Street
56:28Long live, Wookiee Street
56:31Same and defeat, Wookiee Street
56:34And defeat, Wookiee Street
56:38Wookiee Street