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00:00And so it is that we say goodbye to a woman of great poise and dignity, Katya Siritska.
00:27Ha! Got it that time.
00:30May she rest in peace.
00:45Sorry, this keeps happening.
00:47Let me have a look at it.
00:49Someone said it might be the belt.
00:52Nah. I'll tell you what's happened here.
00:55You've got a gearing problem.
00:57Your gearing's going to need replacing.
01:00Sounds expensive.
01:02Sorry.
01:04It might be noisy in short term.
01:07She'll be all right for the moment.
01:09Great, thanks. You're a lifesaver.
01:11Apologies, everyone.
01:13Mike.
01:14Not in here.
01:15Sorry?
01:16Someone's sitting there.
01:19Who?
01:20There's no one in there.
01:22Someone's sitting there.
01:23Didn't you tell him?
01:24I did, yeah.
01:25No, you can't sit there.
01:26You have to sit there or there.
01:27All right, all right.
01:28All right, all right.
01:29What's he doing?
01:30I'm moving!
01:31All right!
01:32I'm moving!
01:33Hey, Iggy.
01:34John, have drinks?
01:35Oh, you know.
01:36She'll be all right in.
01:37Wow.
01:38Hello, stranger.
01:39Where have you been?
01:40Oh, I've not been anywhere.
01:41I'm going somewhere.
01:42I've not been around because, um, well, it's boring.
01:44Where's Arthur?
01:45We've not seen him.
01:46Have you not been in yet?
01:47Oh, that's weird.
01:48Not being for days, Michael.
01:49Seriously?
01:50Where have you been?
01:51Oh, I've just been having a series of angry meetings with my publisher.
01:54The, uh, book I handed in is not the book they want, apparently.
02:10And, uh, I've just been having a series of angry meetings with my publisher.
02:12The book I handed in is not the book they want, apparently.
02:14And now they're threatening to put this awful cover on it.
02:17For days?
02:18Not since Cathy's funeral.
02:20Ah, it's not so bad.
02:22What?
02:23It's awful.
02:25It doesn't represent the book at all.
02:26They might as well have called it Ghostbusters 3.
02:30Peggy, have you seen Arthur?
02:32I've been past his house, but the curtains were drawn.
02:35Do you think he's been kidnapped?
02:37No, no one would kidnap Arthur.
02:39That would mean spending time with him.
02:42Look at this place.
02:44It's like somebody's died.
02:46I can't believe I've just said that.
02:48This is what it's been like.
02:50It's not just Cathy dying.
02:51It's half an idea.
02:53It's not the same, Michael.
02:54It's not the same at all.
02:56Hey, everybody!
02:57What a beautiful day to be alive!
03:00You're new.
03:02Good deal.
03:03Where are you going?
03:05I'm going to go.
03:07I'm going to go.
03:10I'm going to get Arthur.
03:11That's not right.
03:12What just happened?
03:13That's not right at all.
03:14Wait for me.
03:16Arthur?
03:17Arthur, it's Michael and John.
03:18And Eggie.
03:19And Eggie.
03:20It's Michael, John and Eggie.
03:21Still can't hear anything.
03:22Let me have a look.
03:23Very dark in there.
03:24You're wearing sunglasses.
03:25Arthur?
03:26Arthur, you there?
03:27I don't like this.
03:28He's not down the cafe.
03:29He's not answering his door.
03:30I don't know where he's at all.
03:31Right.
03:32That's it.
03:33There's something not right here.
03:34I'm going to call an ambulance.
03:35Yes, hello.
03:36Ambulance, please.
03:37And possibly police.
03:38Yes, hello.
03:39There's a man in his seventies.
03:40He's not opening his door.
03:41I think he might have fallen or something.
03:42Kidnapped.
03:43Shh.
03:44Sorry, can you repeat that?
03:45The address?
03:46Yes, what's the address here?
03:47What's the address here?
03:48What's the address here?
03:49Yes, what's the address here?
03:50I don't know where he's at all.
03:51You're wearing sunglasses.
03:52Arthur?
03:53Arthur, are you there?
03:54I don't know how this.
03:55He's not down the cafe.
03:56He's not answering his door.
03:57I don't know where he's at all.
03:58Right, that's it.
03:59There's something not right here.
04:00I'm going to call an ambulance.
04:01Yes, hello.
04:02Ambulance, please.
04:03And possibly police.
04:04Yes, hello.
04:05Sorry, can you repeat that?
04:06The address?
04:07Yes, what's the address here?
04:0954 Rosier Street.
04:1154 Rosier Street.
04:13But hurry, please.
04:14It's an emergency.
04:15Right, I think they're on their way.
04:17There's an old man in my house.
04:19Oh, what the...
04:21Is he in here?
04:22Whoa!
04:23There's nothing there.
04:25You two, check the kitchen.
04:26Now go upstairs.
04:27Right-o, Arthur.
04:28What are we looking for?
04:29There's a man in the house.
04:30Is there?
04:31No, Arthur!
04:32Yes, hello.
04:33Panic's over.
04:34He wasn't fallen over.
04:35He's just been at the shops.
04:36I'm not speaking to the same person, am I?
04:38Ambulance, please.
04:39And possibly police.
04:40But only to cancel.
04:41Has anyone locked in here?
04:42There's no man.
04:43Yes, ambulance.
04:44Yes, I'd like to cancel one, please.
04:45No, not order another one.
04:47Sorry, is this the right number to cancel this?
04:49An ambulance and possibly some policemen.
04:51You're in big trouble, are you?
04:53No, no.
04:54I don't want to order another one.
04:55I just want to cancel the first lock.
04:56The address.
04:57Yes, hang on a minute.
04:58Arthur.
04:59Is it not up there?
05:00Any lock, John?
05:01It's not a show.
05:02There's no one in the garden.
05:0354 Rosier Street.
05:04And tell them to hurry.
05:05Oh, no, ignore him.
05:06Sorry, no.
05:07I'm cancelling.
05:08I'm definitely cancelling.
05:09He might still be in the air.
05:10There's no man.
05:11Yes, cancelling.
05:12Cancelling the ambulance.
05:13No one's an ambulance.
05:14Send police.
05:15Don't send police.
05:16I'm cancelling the police, but I don't know if I ordered the police, so I don't know
05:19if I have to cancel.
05:20Just cancel everybody who's coming to 54 Rosier Street.
05:22There's no one in there.
05:23Oh, my God!
05:24I'm fine.
05:25I'm just screaming at the man.
05:26Don't send an ambulance.
05:27Please don't send an ambulance.
05:28Is anyone there?
05:29Very nice to have you in the cafe.
05:32Come again.
05:33Hey, we miss you.
05:35Good luck with the beard.
05:37What's up with you?
05:42I hate this.
05:43How does he do this?
05:44What?
05:45All this goddamn stinking positivity goes right up my arse.
05:49Is this how he feels?
05:50Who?
05:51Idiot man.
05:52Arthur.
05:53What are you talking about?
05:55Sinem.
05:56I can't be Arthur.
05:57Why do you need to be Arthur?
05:58Look at the place.
05:59It's dead.
06:00It's been like this for days.
06:01Because he is not here.
06:02No, no, no, no, no.
06:03He has to come back.
06:04It's the only way I can be me again.
06:06To be rude.
06:07To get annoyed at me.
06:09It's who I am.
06:10It's what I do.
06:11You want to be rude to me for a few minutes?
06:13Shut up!
06:14Stupid idea.
06:15Thank you very much.
06:17Much better.
06:19We were worried about you, Arthur.
06:21We thought you'd been kidnapped.
06:23We're fallen.
06:24We thought you'd fallen.
06:26What are you all about?
06:27Well, you haven't been down a cafe.
06:29Right.
06:30I think I've cancelled them.
06:31Well, I don't have to be in the cafe every day, do I?
06:33I do have other things to do.
06:35And what if I had fallen?
06:37I'd have just got up, wouldn't I?
06:39I'm not an invalid.
06:41Sorry, Arthur.
06:42We were just worried about you.
06:43Yes, well, there's nothing to worry about.
06:45I'm fine.
06:46Leave me alone.
06:47Oh, here.
06:48You dropped this.
06:50Oh.
06:51Oh, thank you.
06:52Oh, you know, Arthur, this isn't going to be the...
06:53Oh, come on, anyway.
06:54Out, out, out.
06:55Go on.
06:56I've got things to do.
06:57Go on.
06:58Off you go.
06:59Oh, you're kidding me!
07:00So, how long are you going away for?
07:13Oh, forever.
07:14I'm...
07:15I'm...
07:16I'm going back home.
07:17Back to York.
07:18You don't...
07:19You don't live in London?
07:21No, no, no, no, no.
07:22I'm just here for...
07:23Well, for Arthur.
07:24For the book.
07:25To write the book.
07:26And now it's done, there's no reason for me to stay.
07:29Oh, yeah.
07:30Yeah, of course.
07:32I don't feel like I can leave Arthur in this state, though.
07:36I think Katya's death's affecting her more than he's letting on.
07:39That funeral?
07:40Yes, that was awful.
07:42Wasn't what you call a proper send-off, was it?
07:45No, I'm...
07:46I'm definitely going to stay until I know Arthur's all right.
07:48Yeah, that's...
07:49That's the right thing to do.
07:51And, er...
07:54That's the only reason?
07:56What?
07:57That's the only reason you're here.
07:59Oh...
08:00Um...
08:08Yeah, that's about it.
08:10Okay.
08:18All right, Arthur.
08:21Arthur.
08:22Arthur, you're back.
08:23Hey, Arthur.
08:24Number three with eggs?
08:26That's a number four.
08:28No, I shouldn't have come back.
08:34She's still here.
08:35What?
08:36Katya.
08:37She's still here.
08:38And she's not happy.
08:40She was my biggest fan, Michael.
08:43She was my only fan.
08:45I can't bear the thought of her not being happy.
08:48What can we do, Arthur?
08:49There's...
08:50There's nothing we can do.
08:52There's one thing we can do.
08:54Hello, Sheila.
08:55Oh, that's greatness.
08:56Oh, super.
08:57All right, speak later.
08:58Okay, back.
08:59Nice to see the turban back.
09:01Oh, that's greatness.
09:02Oh, super.
09:03All right, speak later.
09:04Okay, back.
09:05Nice to see the turban back.
09:07You're what?
09:08Remember when we first met, you wore that turban for your memory man act?
09:11Memory man act?
09:12Memory man act?
09:13Just forget it.
09:14Oh, yes, yes.
09:15Oh, this is for seances.
09:17This isn't me.
09:18I've never seen a tutor.
09:19All right.
09:20I've never seen you.
09:21You've never seen one.
09:22So I've never seen a day.
09:23Oh, that's great, Mr..
09:24Oh, that's great.
09:25Oh, super.
09:26All right, speak later.
09:27Okay, back.
09:28Nice to see the turban back.
09:29You were what?
09:29Remember when we first met, you wore that turban for your memory man act?
09:32Memory man act?
09:33Just forget it.
09:34Oh, yes, yes.
09:35This is for seances. This isn't my memory mount turban.
09:38Yes, it is.
09:39No, it isn't.
09:40This is my memory mount turban.
09:42Oh, no, that's my round-the-house one.
09:46This is my memory mount turban.
09:49I think I would know which turban I'm wearing, thank you very much.
09:53Shall we get started, then?
09:55I'm missing one bone every minute.
09:57I didn't know you did all this stuff, Arthur.
09:59Oh, yes.
10:00My mother was a medium.
10:02You always told me she was a big woman.
10:05I don't mean a dress size.
10:07She was big-boned, yes.
10:09She was an extra large.
10:10Now, will you shut up and let me do this?
10:13My mother was an extra large medium.
10:18When I was a small boy, she would put me into a trance
10:21and I would speak in tongues
10:23and all the wisdom of the ancients would flow through me.
10:27So deep was this trance-like state
10:30that the only thing that would bring me out of it
10:32was being bit by the parrot.
10:36Poor parrot.
10:38We had a parrot.
10:40What was he called?
10:42His name was Captain Cheeky.
10:45Are you going to take this seriously or not?
10:47I'm sorry.
10:48I'm sorry.
10:49I'm taking it seriously, Arthur.
10:52I take it very seriously.
10:55My sister lived in one of those old Victorian houses
10:59in Stoke Newington.
11:01One night, she was woken by the sound of scratching.
11:05She sat up and there at the dressing table
11:08at the end of her bed
11:10was an old woman brushing her hair.
11:12Then, the woman turned around
11:15and there, where her eyes should have been,
11:18there were two dark holes.
11:21She pointed at my sister
11:23and said,
11:25You have my eyes.
11:28Oh, that'll be Bunham.
11:40Oh, Boulam, lovely.
11:41Oh, that would have given me a right turn.
11:44I'm imposing a rule.
11:46No scary stories at the seance.
11:52Oh, Bunham, please.
11:53It's for Katia.
11:5520 minutes, then I'm going.
11:56Good for you, Boulam.
11:58And if I see anything I don't like, I'm off.
12:00So is my sister.
12:00Oh, shut up.
12:01You're not Dad.
12:02Worry not, Boulam.
12:04While no one could describe
12:06what we are doing here tonight
12:07as conventional,
12:09I can assure you
12:10it is done with the utmost seriousness
12:13and gravity.
12:15Now, someone pour the drinks
12:17while I get the haunted blackboard.
12:23Polish vodka.
12:24How appropriate.
12:25Is that all right for everyone?
12:26Yes.
12:26Yes, thank you.
12:31One for the road?
12:33Ah, yeah.
12:34Looks like we're going to probably need it.
12:38Bottoms up.
12:39Oh, yeah.
12:40Ooh, bottoms.
12:41All right.
12:48I shall now draw a protective pentangle.
12:53This pentangle will be our last line of defence
12:56should any evil spirits
12:58attempt to invade our mortal realm.
13:01Well, definitely going to miss it now.
13:04It'll be repeated.
13:05Well, it's not the same
13:06you can't tweet about it, do you?
13:07Oh, look, we'll forget doing the protective pentangle.
13:23It's not that important.
13:24What?
13:25What?
13:25What?
13:25No protection?
13:27No protection?
13:27He said it was for protection.
13:28He said it was crucial.
13:30Oh, can I put the telly on?
13:32No, you can't put the telly on.
13:33We're doing a seance.
13:35Look, don't we need it for protection?
13:36God knows what this idiot will do in the spirit world.
13:39Look, look, I got it wrong.
13:40We don't need a protective pentangle now.
13:42No, no, no, no.
13:43I'll do it.
13:43I will do it.
13:44I'll turn the sound down.
13:46No, it'll interfere with the radio waves, John.
13:49Besides, you can't watch one born every minute
13:51with the sound down.
13:53The screaming and breathing's the best bit.
13:58There.
14:02What's that?
14:02It's a rectangle.
14:04Not a rectangle.
14:05I could draw a bloody rectangle.
14:08What use is a rectangle?
14:10You can't see off the forces of darkness
14:13with a bloody rectangle.
14:15Oh, sit down.
14:18Right, everybody.
14:20I want you to put your hands on the table
14:22to form a circle.
14:24Once formed, under no circumstances
14:26must the circle be broken.
14:28Whatever happens, do not break the circle.
14:31I implore you.
14:32If you do, the repercussions will be dire indeed.
14:38Close your eyes.
14:42Oh.
14:45Is there anybody, John?
14:54Sorry, Arthur.
14:56We've only got a rectangle for protection
14:59and you've broken the bloody circle.
15:02To repeat, anyone.
15:04Oh, is it the one with the woman from Leeds?
15:06Yeah.
15:07Oh, this one's brilliant.
15:08It was a good one, that, wasn't it?
15:19Well, I need a drink.
15:20Anybody else?
15:21Yes, please.
15:22Yes.
15:22That programme was extremely unpleasant.
15:24I'll tell you something.
15:28This seance is a right shambles.
15:31There's nothing for it.
15:34We're going to have to resort to more extreme measures.
15:37The spirit board.
15:44Oh, I don't know about this, Arthur.
15:47Wasn't that how the ecstasy started?
15:48They probably used a cheap one.
15:51That's top of the range, is that?
15:54How's this?
15:57It's just another rectangle.
15:58Oh, anyway, wipe all that off.
16:00We'll need that for the spirit messages.
16:03Right.
16:04Come on, everybody.
16:05Let's communicate with the spirit world
16:07and see what messages and wisdom they have to import.
16:12Where did you get these glasses from?
16:15Oh, at Woolworths.
16:18Yesterday.
16:19Anyway, come on.
16:20Wisdom of the spirits.
16:28I smell bricks.
16:31I smell bricks.
16:34I smell bricks.
16:36It doesn't say I smell bricks.
16:37It says I smell good.
16:39Come on, think, people.
16:41Think.
16:41What does I smell bricks mean?
16:43Oh, hey, maybe it's Polish.
16:45Someone look up I smell bricks
16:47in an English to Polish picture thing.
16:49It's English.
16:50How can it be Polish?
16:52English can't be Polish.
16:53I like it.
16:54I like it.
16:55Now you're thinking with your brains.
16:56I want to do the thing where you touch fingers again.
16:59That's a good idea.
17:00We'll contact Katia one last time.
17:03See if she could shed some light on this confusion
17:05about why she smelt bricks.
17:09Oh, don't they sometimes do seances with the lights off?
17:13That's it.
17:14That's where we've been going wrong.
17:15Brilliant.
17:16Eggie, do the lights.
17:18I permit you to leave the circle.
17:20Oh, Katia, give us a sign that you're here.
17:33Give us a sign.
17:36Oh, oh.
17:37It's happening.
17:39It's happening.
17:41Put the lights on, Eggie, quick.
17:44What happened?
17:46What happened?
17:47Did anyone come through?
17:48Look at those, Tom!
17:53Oh, oh, oh, my God, what just happened?
17:55Oh, my God, what?
17:57Oh, oh, that's so weird.
17:58It's a strange mystery.
17:59There's something brushed me and...
18:01Me too.
18:01Oh, that's uncanny.
18:03I know, it's uncanny.
18:04Oh, that's not the way you do it.
18:15Shush, shush, everybody.
18:16I'm on the verge of a breakthrough.
18:18Arthur, you're just...
18:29You're not a good medium.
18:30You're not bad, but you're not great.
18:33You're medium!
18:35Achoo!
18:39Katia, what is it you want?
18:41What is it you want?
18:43Is it me to do a song?
18:46Not once for yes.
18:50What does that mean?
18:52Oh, she wants me to do a medley.
18:55Oh, no! It'll be the pizza.
18:57Oh, yeah! Pizza!
19:00Your sister's brilliant, Boolan.
19:03This situation was calling out for pizza
19:05and only she had the...
19:08What's the word, Arthur?
19:10The gumption.
19:11She had the gumption to order it.
19:14Why aren't you drunk, Boolan?
19:16Because I'm not a nine-year-old girl.
19:23Pizza!
19:28Oh, I feel bad, though.
19:32Oh, don't feel bad.
19:33I hate it when you feel bad.
19:35You should never feel bad.
19:36Why do you feel bad?
19:37Well, here we all are, eating pizza.
19:40I think Katia couldn't eat pizza.
19:43That's right.
19:44She could never handle the solids.
19:47I'm going to do this.
19:51What?
19:52I'm going to liquid-dry ice pizza for Katia.
19:56Not liquid-dry ice.
19:58Liquid-dry ice.
19:59I'm going to liquid-dry ice pizza for Katia.
20:03That is an absolutely brilliant idea.
20:06Take a glass of...
20:07Do the toppings.
20:08Excuse me.
20:09Excuse me.
20:10I think I would know how to liquid-dry ice pizza.
20:16There we are.
20:22That's it.
20:23There you go, Katia.
20:25A glass of pizza.
20:27To Katia.
20:28Oh, it's not a bad drop of pizza, that.
20:39Katia.
20:40And her soups.
20:42Tomato soup.
20:44I didn't even know you served tomato soup.
20:46We don't.
20:47It was her own.
20:48We used to heat it up for her.
20:50That's terribly generous of you.
20:52I liked Katia.
20:53She was a strong woman.
20:55She was the only one who liked my little shows.
20:58As I said, she was a strong woman.
21:01Hey, you know, she always fell asleep.
21:03On the way home from the cafe.
21:04On the bus.
21:05I used to have to go and collect her.
21:07Do you remember, Eggie?
21:08Different stop every time.
21:10Once she told me she didn't really fall asleep at all.
21:13She just wanted to spend some extra time with me.
21:16Listen to me going on.
21:19She was my biggest fan.
21:22Now she's gone.
21:23Oh, there'll be more fans, Arthur.
21:26You're just getting started.
21:27Thank you, Michael.
21:28I think we both know the truth.
21:30Your dad, he was the real thing.
21:33He entertained millions, he did.
21:35I'm just a footnote, if that.
21:37Oh, Arthur, that's not true.
21:39You'll see.
21:40That's not true.
21:41That's a really nice thing about you, Michael.
21:44You can't tell a lie to save your life.
21:46Oh, I'm not.
21:47What is that?
21:51What?
21:53That.
21:57That's catchy as a leg.
21:59What?
22:00They couldn't cremate it.
22:03Something about it not being green.
22:06Because it is green.
22:08Well, it's a bit green.
22:11Arthur, you can't hang on to something like that.
22:14Arthur?
22:14What's up with you all?
22:17Well, it's just that she was attached to that leg.
22:26Oh, I'm sorry.
22:27I thought that was a joke.
22:29That's why she can't go, Arthur.
22:32Because you're not letting her go.
22:35He's right.
22:36Arthur, you have to let her go.
22:38You can't hold on to her like that.
22:42But I never said goodbye to her, Michael.
22:45None of us did.
22:47Not properly.
22:49Well, let's do something about that.
22:52Willworth's.
23:07Yes, Willworth's.
23:09Stop going on about it.
23:10I think it's left to me to say a few words.
23:24Oh, dear.
23:36Arthur, do you mind if I say something?
23:38No.
23:40Well, obviously, I didn't know Katia as well as you all did.
23:46In fact, I don't know you as well as Katia did.
23:48So, I feel a bit of an intruder.
23:50No, no, no, thank you.
23:54One thing I have found in the short time I've been here,
23:58getting to know you all.
24:00Well, all I can say is
24:03I know why Katia found it hard to leave.
24:10Safe travels, Katia.
24:13Safe travels, Katia.
24:20Oh, sorry, Arthur.
24:22That's all right.
24:23They're from the cafe.
24:30Bye, Arthur.
24:31Bye, everyone.
24:32See you tomorrow.
24:33Not me, John.
24:34I'm off home.
24:36Oh, yeah?
24:37Well, it's nice knowing you, mate.
24:41Bye then, Michael.
24:43I'll show you the door.
24:45See you now.
24:46See you now.
24:47Go.
25:17Good luck, Arthur.
25:47Good luck to you.
25:51I look forward to the book.
25:53It was a funny man, your dad.
25:55The world could use a book about him.
25:58Yeah.
25:59Yeah.
26:07Thanks for everything, Arthur.
26:08I'll see you next time.
26:13I'll see you next time.
26:16Goodbye, Katia.
26:46Excuse me.
27:01Nothing.
27:04Good evening, Bullard.
27:14One of your all-day breakfasts, please.
27:16I don't know why, but number one seems to be beckoning me tonight.
27:21Number one, please, with fried bread and baked beans.
27:24That's it.
27:25Oh, forget it.
27:27All right, Princess.
27:39Here you go.
27:41What's that?
27:42Michael Effig.
27:45Hey!
27:46It's already...
27:50It's already...
27:51It's already gone...
27:52It's already gone...
27:53It's already gone...
27:54It's already gone...
27:55It's already gone...
27:56It's already gone...
28:01It's already gone...
28:02It's already gone...
28:03It's already gone...
28:08It's already gone...
28:09It's already gone...
28:10It's already gone...
28:14Who do you fancy at Kempton on Saturday, Arthur?
28:24Arthur?
28:44Arthur?
29:02Arthur?
29:06Arthur?
29:10Arthur?
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