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00:05Oh, Master, grant that I may never seek
00:09So much to be controlled as to control
00:13To be understood as to understand
00:17To be loved as to love with all my heart
00:22Make me a channel of your peace
00:25And so on and so forth.
00:26That was our hymn of the day.
00:30It's 10am and this is Mid-Morning Matters
00:34with me, I, Alan Partridge.
00:36And the words of Freddie Flintstone,
00:38today's show is going to be
00:39Yabba-dabba-doo.
00:41Sorry, I did Jimmy Savile there.
00:44Sir, sir.
00:44Yes, of course, sir Jimmy Savile,
00:46the disgraced knight of the realm.
00:48And a quick correction, yesterday I read out a text
00:51saying that oestrogen was a kind of gas
00:53used to blow up balloons.
00:54Of course it isn't.
00:55It's a hormone used by women
00:58to perform a number of tasks
01:01relating to themselves.
01:05And others.
01:06OK, time for today's large question.
01:09Large question.
01:11If you could invite anyone to a dinner party,
01:14who would it be, dead or alive?
01:16Well, I'd probably go for alive.
01:21Seriously though, who would they be?
01:22Well, I've got them here.
01:23I would have Cubby Broccoli,
01:25Jasper Carrot,
01:26Mary Berry,
01:27Jack Lemon,
01:28and Mr Bean.
01:29Just to make sure I definitely got my five a day.
01:31Well, seriously though,
01:33that would get things moving.
01:35Oh, is that all right now?
01:38So who would be, who would you have at yours?
01:41Jesus Christ, Margaret Thatcher,
01:45Dennis Thatcher,
01:47Carol Thatcher,
01:53and Mark Thatcher.
01:57So just, it would be Jesus and the Thatcher family?
02:00Yeah.
02:01I have a tweet from Janie72,
02:03who tweets to say she'd invite the Harlem,
02:05you all right?
02:06Yeah.
02:06She'd invite the Harlem Globetrotters
02:08and Nigel Farage.
02:10Ooh, he'd get battered.
02:15Colby, I'm your stepfather
02:17and that accords me certain rights.
02:20Yes, she's your mother,
02:22but she's also my bird.
02:24I just don't see why I should take the blame
02:27because your dad ran off.
02:28He did.
02:29He did.
02:30He did.
02:31He did.
02:32He did.
02:36Colby, Colby,
02:38he's, he's not on an oil rig.
02:40He's in the Cotswolds.
02:43I mean, even the noise he made
02:46sounded like a siren.
02:52I was about that, almost.
02:54Maybe it was a,
02:55there was a part of his brain
02:57that was actually trying to warn people.
02:58It could well be.
02:59We don't know how half the brain works,
03:01just, uh,
03:03God.
03:05Ugh.
03:06Coming up,
03:07a chance to win a free CD
03:09from Jazzy Jeff
03:10and the French Prince.
03:11French Prince, is it?
03:12It's, uh,
03:12Fresh maybe?
03:13Yeah.
03:14Oh yeah, well, of course,
03:14but they're all Republicans, aren't they?
03:16And if you're, uh,
03:17a Frenchman claiming to be a prince,
03:18you'd be, uh,
03:19certainly very soon end up being beheaded
03:21by a revolting peasant.
03:22Um, uh,
03:24joining me today,
03:25someone else who presumably
03:26finds peasants revolting.
03:27I'm not sure about that.
03:28Uh, well,
03:29fear about,
03:29uh, because
03:31this weekend sees the annual
03:33North Norfolk Hunt.
03:35Oh,
03:35careful how you say that one.
03:36Why?
03:39Uh,
03:40it's traditionally, uh,
03:42a time of intense shouting
03:44from both sides of the hunting debate,
03:45be it the, uh,
03:46grunted chant of the balaclava
03:48or the reasoned auditory
03:50of the North Norfolk Huntsmen
03:52and women.
03:53I see the point you're making.
03:55Yep.
03:55On the...
03:55Careful.
03:56On the advice of police,
03:57we've agreed to give the leader
03:59of the, uh,
04:00Norfolk Hunt
04:01a platform to appeal for calm,
04:03especially after the ugly scenes last year
04:05when I think the Lord got thumped.
04:06Uh,
04:07please welcome, uh,
04:08Sir Cecil Phillips.
04:10That wasn't you, was it?
04:11No,
04:11I'm not, Lord.
04:12Oh,
04:12thank you.
04:12Many, many, many thanks for having me here.
04:14An honour and a privilege.
04:15Now,
04:15your message to the, uh,
04:17protesters is quite simple.
04:18It is, yes.
04:19Um,
04:20what,
04:20um,
04:22well,
04:22whilst we don't share...
04:23Simply, it's,
04:24look,
04:25you've had you say,
04:26but this is private property,
04:29so,
04:30on your way.
04:31Well,
04:32no.
04:32No.
04:33No.
04:33Once we don't share the views
04:35of the anti-Hunt lobby,
04:36uh,
04:36we do respect their right
04:37to disagree with what we're saying.
04:39Yeah, yeah,
04:40and the right to be heard,
04:41sure, sure, sure, sure.
04:41But,
04:42but,
04:42if they cross the line,
04:44there are a thousand
04:44Countryside Alliance boys
04:46ready to go.
04:46Well,
04:47the, the,
04:47the Countryside Alliance
04:48is really a lobbying organisation.
04:50And how?
04:51It's what the National Trust
04:52would be if it grew up there.
04:53No,
04:53the point I'd really like
04:54to get across
04:55is that, uh,
04:56if you try to sabotage
04:57the safe passage of the hunt,
04:59you're endangering yourselves.
05:00You're endangering us,
05:01and you're endangering horses.
05:03Horses.
05:04Horses.
05:04Clever.
05:05Horses are animals.
05:06Yeah.
05:06Snookered.
05:07Well, maybe they should play snooker.
05:09No-one gets hurt in snooker.
05:11What?
05:11Have you seen Minder?
05:16Minder was a television programme
05:19many years ago
05:20where a rather vulgar chap
05:21from ITV
05:24would gallivant around London,
05:26you know,
05:27resolving, um,
05:28petty monetary differences
05:29with people,
05:30often at the fat end
05:31of a snooker queue.
05:33They're not allowed
05:33to show it anymore.
05:36Um,
05:37another, um,
05:38ITV, by the way,
05:39is, uh,
05:40the channel that used
05:40to show the commercial.
05:41So you don't need to know about that.
05:46I like that one,
05:47with a silencer.
05:50Would you like to go
05:51and buy an air rifle
05:52this weekend?
05:55Can I?
05:57Yes, you could go
05:58shooting squirrels
05:59with the boys.
06:01Do you think
06:01they'd like air rifles?
06:03Definitely.
06:04Of course,
06:04they're from a broken home.
06:07Also, of course,
06:08the protesters
06:08where they very rarely point out
06:10is the, the,
06:10the welfare,
06:11of the beagles.
06:12Some of the abuse
06:13these dogs are subject to
06:14by these so-called
06:15law-abiding protesters.
06:16Bad dog!
06:17Bad dog!
06:19Bad dog!
06:20I mean,
06:21that's got to affect
06:22the self-esteem.
06:23Well,
06:23do dogs have self-esteem?
06:25Yes,
06:25do dogs have self-esteem?
06:27Well,
06:28you know,
06:28I wouldn't be at all surprised.
06:29They're very well-trained,
06:30highly intelligent dogs.
06:31Yeah.
06:31Which is presumably
06:32why you use them.
06:33I mean,
06:33you're not going to
06:33get very far
06:34if you're here with a poodle
06:36or a...
06:37A corgi.
06:37A corgi.
06:38A corgi.
06:38Let's see a corgi
06:40go face-to-face
06:40with a fox.
06:41It absolutely shit itself.
06:45Pathetic.
06:46Well,
06:46God willing,
06:47this year,
06:48you'll be left alone
06:49to rid your land
06:52of what I hear
06:53are pretty nasty animals.
06:56And the foxes
06:58aren't great either.
06:59Ah,
06:59yes.
07:00He's talking about me.
07:01Come on,
07:01come on,
07:02guys.
07:02You can't begrudge
07:03someone,
07:03you know,
07:04peaceful protest.
07:05Yeah,
07:06I know.
07:06I think he's talking
07:07about these types.
07:09Two to a sleeping bag.
07:10Placards.
07:11Hanging from trees.
07:12Placards with no
07:13official font.
07:14Exactly.
07:15They're just mess.
07:16Squished in.
07:17Oh,
07:17that is all bunched up.
07:18The kerning's wrong.
07:19You know,
07:20I'd like to see them
07:20run a business.
07:21Wouldn't it last for,
07:22I mean,
07:22presumably you,
07:24unless it's,
07:24is it inherited?
07:25It's inherited.
07:26Even better.
07:27I once inherited a clock.
07:29Beats buying them.
07:30Well,
07:30what I would say
07:31is it's a very
07:31traditional pursuit
07:33and it's with a very,
07:34very welcoming atmosphere.
07:36Right,
07:36so anyone's welcome.
07:38Well,
07:38you know,
07:38within reason,
07:39I mean,
07:39we don't want to welcome
07:41any old Tom,
07:42Dick and Harry.
07:43Absolutely.
07:44Although,
07:44Tom,
07:45Dick and Harry,
07:45of course,
07:45very popular names
07:47amongst huntsfolk.
07:48We have lots of names.
07:49You can't welcome
07:50every Carl,
07:51Lee and Barry.
07:53Yeah,
07:53I think that's the point,
07:54isn't it?
07:54You don't want to mix
07:56too much with,
07:57I suppose you know
07:58many Lees.
07:59We have a Leopold.
08:01Yeah,
08:01that's,
08:02yeah,
08:02you shouldn't have said that.
08:03OK,
08:04time for some
08:05middle-of-the-road music.
08:06She's got diamonds
08:07and a nice big bum.
08:08It's Jennifer Lopez.
08:11We're talking
08:12dream dinner party guests.
08:14Line four,
08:15Nathaniel.
08:16I'd have a banquet
08:16at Hampton Court Palace
08:17with Alexander the Great,
08:20Ronald Reagan,
08:21Winston Churchill,
08:22Noel Edmonds,
08:24Mozart,
08:25the Crankies,
08:26a tale of a hun
08:27and James Dean.
08:29Then I'd blow up the building
08:31and wipe them out.
08:32Why would you want
08:33to kill people
08:36when most of them
08:37are already dead?
08:38Well,
08:38Noel Edmonds isn't.
08:40He's still very much
08:40at large.
08:42Right,
08:42so the other guests
08:44are merely bait
08:45for Edmonds.
08:46Precisely,
08:47yeah.
08:47But you'd be destroying
08:48a national monument.
08:50Well,
08:50I've thought of other values
08:52but I need to be absolutely sure
08:53that Edmonds will attend
08:54and my research tells me
08:55that if it's hosted
08:56at Hampton Court Palace
08:57then he'll definitely come.
08:59So,
08:59why are the Crankies there?
09:01I plan to strap the explosives
09:02to Jeanette Crankie
09:03as he'd be unlikely
09:04to search her.
09:05Right,
09:05yeah,
09:06in the current climate.
09:07Well,
09:07it's Operation U-Tree.
09:09He'd be assaulting
09:09both a woman and a miner.
09:10Yeah,
09:11excellent.
09:11I like it.
09:12It's a clean kill.
09:14Do call again,
09:14Nathaniel.
09:15Line three,
09:15Jez,
09:15who's coming to dinner?
09:17I don't give a toss
09:18about dinner.
09:19Is he already eating?
09:20That guy kills foxes
09:21and you didn't challenge him
09:22on a single thing he said.
09:24He was totally one-sided.
09:26If you want me
09:26to Photoshop your face
09:27onto the picture
09:28of a fat woman's body
09:29and tell people
09:30that's what you look like
09:31under your clothes
09:32you're going about
09:32in the right way,
09:33sunshine.
09:34Well,
09:34obviously I don't want that,
09:37so...
09:39Are you quiet
09:40because you're angry
09:41or is he quiet
09:41because he's angry?
09:42He's gone.
09:42He's gone.
09:43Fine.
10:01You're listening to
10:03Alan Partridge.
10:05Alan's balanced debate.
10:07It's genuinely balanced.
10:10Bam!
10:12Excellent.
10:13And we're back
10:13with Cecil Phillips
10:14of the North Norfolk...
10:16Hello.
10:18Hello.
10:18Joined in the interest
10:20of impartiality
10:21on my left
10:22by none other than
10:23Simon Denton.
10:24Simon,
10:24I believe your girlfriend
10:25is a vegetarian.
10:26Yes.
10:26Great.
10:26Well,
10:27Simon will be replacing
10:28his jester hat
10:29with a protester hat,
10:31which often frequently
10:32are jester's hat.
10:34Simon Denton,
10:35you oppose fox hunting.
10:36Why?
10:37I just think
10:37it's cruel to the foxes.
10:39Cecil Phillips,
10:41you and your mates
10:41just go around
10:42beating up wildlife
10:44for kicks.
10:44No, no,
10:44well, foxes,
10:46foxes can be
10:46pretty unpleasant.
10:47I think we have
10:47a very romanticized
10:48idea of foxes.
10:50If you'd ever been
10:50in a chicken coop
10:51after a fox attack...
10:52Yes.
10:53Simon Denton,
10:54foxes,
10:55they're thieving bastards.
10:57If a fox
10:58was a human being,
10:59it'd be David Starkey,
11:01a real git of a guy.
11:02They always talk
11:03about the inside
11:03of a chicken coop,
11:04but foxes are animals
11:05at the end of the day.
11:06They're not evil,
11:07they're just looking
11:08for food.
11:08Philip,
11:09you portray
11:10these little red dogs.
11:11No,
11:11they're not dogs.
11:12Little red dogs,
11:12they're just trying
11:13to put a chicken dinner
11:13on the table for the cows.
11:15Chickens are a farmer's livelihood.
11:17Precisely.
11:17Simon Denton,
11:18he's saying foxes
11:20are screwing the farmers
11:21and meanwhile
11:22they're being defended
11:22by soap dodging,
11:25meat dodging,
11:26job dodgers.
11:27I did not say that.
11:28No.
11:28He didn't say that.
11:29He's saying,
11:30he's saying,
11:30whoa,
11:31you're putting words
11:32in my mouth big time.
11:33Back off.
11:34No,
11:34no,
11:35I'm saying fox numbers
11:37need to be controlled.
11:38Answer him.
11:39I just think
11:39there's an arrogance
11:40about it all.
11:41Yeah,
11:41Sir Cecil,
11:42he looks at you guys
11:43with your red tunics
11:44and your tight white tights
11:45and you just look
11:46like bloody pillocks.
11:47Look,
11:47I won't deny
11:48that our pageantry
11:49we take seriously,
11:50but you can't just
11:51turn up in jeans.
11:52That's a good point.
11:53It's not like
11:53some teenage pursuit
11:54like LaserQuest.
11:56You can't just turn up
11:56in jeans.
11:57Hang on a second.
11:57Hang on a second.
11:59LaserQuest
11:59is not a teenage pursuit.
12:01I quest
12:01with a round tabler
12:03who served
12:03in Northern Ireland.
12:04Sometimes he gets flashbacks.
12:06I have to talk him down
12:07over a milkshake.
12:07It's different.
12:08If society ever breaks down,
12:10you may well regret
12:11not having been to LaserQuest
12:12because the people
12:13who can't stand you
12:14go a lot.
12:15I'm sure we'll cope.
12:17Well,
12:17I think you'd be overrun
12:18by sheer weight of numbers.
12:19Exactly.
12:20If the working classes
12:21all rise up as one,
12:22then you are done for, mate.
12:22You're a communist.
12:23We have horses.
12:24Yeah,
12:25horses,
12:25I'm sorry,
12:26in an inner city war zone
12:27will be all but useless.
12:29End up roasting on a spit
12:30in the middle of the precinct.
12:31Yeah,
12:32in some sort of
12:32post-apocalyptic vision of hell.
12:34Yeah,
12:34where the hunter
12:34becomes the hunted.
12:35You can run,
12:36but you can't hide.
12:37Sure,
12:38you ditch your red tunic
12:39and don a hoodie
12:41and you blend in for a while.
12:43But then some local
12:44grabs you and says,
12:46all right,
12:46mate.
12:47Yeah,
12:47and yes,
12:47and you say,
12:49yeah,
12:49spiffing.
12:50Oh,
12:51wagwan.
12:52But the game's up.
12:53By nightfall,
12:54you and Leopold
12:55are swinging
12:55from a lamppost.
12:57Your bugle
12:58stuck up your backside.
12:59So the last gas
13:00is escaping
13:01for your body.
13:02Make a bleakly comic noise.
13:12And I'm afraid
13:13that's all
13:13we've got time for,
13:14but encouraging
13:15to know that within that
13:16you've at least found
13:17some common ground.
13:19Cecil,
13:20your dream dinner party guests.
13:23Hmm?
13:37Traffic and travel
13:38sponsored by Castrol.
13:41TNT on the A17.
13:42A truck has overturned,
13:43shedding its load
13:44of pampers
13:45over both carriageways.
13:46Sounds like the set-up
13:47to a joke,
13:48doesn't it?
13:48The police don't yet know
13:49which skid marks are...
13:50Stop you there.
13:51There has been a fatality.
13:53North Norfolk Digital.
13:56Later on,
13:57we'll be talking
13:57about Corner Shop
13:59Fizzy Drinks
13:59and asking what part
14:00of Multipack
14:01not to be sold separately
14:02don't they understand?
14:04And talking of fizz,
14:05I've got to give
14:06a big shout-out
14:06to our new MD,
14:08Craig Felbridge,
14:08who this morning
14:10was absolutely fizzing
14:11with ideas.
14:12He was like
14:13a one-man soda stream.
14:15I really...
14:16Honestly,
14:17I felt so...
14:18Carbonated.
14:19Oh, exactly!
14:20Yeah, my head was going...
14:22Pip-pop-pop.
14:23Pip-pip-pop.
14:23Pop-pop-pop-pop.
14:24Pip-pip-pop-pop.
14:26Pip-pip-pop.
14:26It's going crazy.
14:27Pip-pip-pip.
14:28Pip-pip-pip-pop-pop-pop.
14:30Pip-pip-pip-pip-pop-pop.
14:31Pip-pip-pip-pip-pop-pop-pop.
14:33Pip-pop-pop-pop-pop.
14:35You know,
14:36you get the picture.
14:37Oh, yeah.
14:37But what is speaker?
14:38You're brilliant.
14:39You know,
14:4020% Steve Jobs,
14:4210% Jesus,
14:4350% Peter Sissons,
14:45a splash of Gandhi,
14:46no need to measure that.
14:47If you were
14:47a quarter of the man here,
14:50you'd be twice the man you are.
14:52And that still
14:53makes you an eighth
14:54of a very impressive man.
14:56That's not my opinion.
14:56That's fractions.
14:58Thank you, fractions.
14:59OK.
14:59OK. Time for some music.
15:01This band is the words I said to my girlfriend last week on her birthday.
15:06UB44.
15:08I've never seen you like this.
15:10I thought it was because petrol prices had gone down.
15:12Have they?
15:13No.
15:13Oh.
15:14Anyway, this guy Craig is one sod of a good MD.
15:17He wants new ideas.
15:18He said everyone's opinion is valid.
15:21Right.
15:22In fact, I think I've written it down somewhere.
15:26It says something.
15:30Is that it?
15:32Yeah.
15:34Hi.
15:37You know, he said everyone's opinions are valid, even the bin men's.
15:42Although that may have been a joke.
15:45Craig, it's Alan.
15:47Yeah, I know you're busy.
15:49I just wanted to talk very fast.
15:50I just wanted to say I loved the meeting this morning, Craig.
15:53I sat there and I just thought,
15:54I didn't know it was actually possible to make a 9am meeting almost beautiful.
15:58And I mean that because what you'll find out about me is I don't mince my words.
16:03Any communications from me will be completely un-minced.
16:06It'll be solid.
16:07But sliced.
16:08I mean, you know, manageable, but still identifiable as some sort of meat.
16:13No, you said you wanted ideas and after the meeting I was so fizzy I decided to email you about
16:20this play I've written.
16:22And, um, really?
16:26Oh, Craig, that's great.
16:31You will, you're not going to regret this, Craig.
16:32This is really, I've written loads of episodes, Craig.
16:35The last one, I'll tell you about them another time.
16:37But the last one is very good.
16:39It's got, it's got, it's got an argument in a car park.
16:43Uh, uh, no, no, you're busy, Craig.
16:44Craig, Craig, Craig, Craig.
16:45It's fine, you're a busy man, Craig.
16:46Craig, Craig, Craig, you're a busy man.
16:47OK, OK.
16:48Oh, and Craig, um, uh, sorry if I've been using your name a bit too much.
16:53OK, bye, Craig.
16:54I mean, bye.
16:56Sidekick Simon's cryptic confectionery.
17:00I am chocolate placed on Sadam's head.
17:04Er, banter?
17:05Yes, stop shouting about my little bubbles.
17:07Er, whisper?
17:09Yes, yes, you'll be bowled over by my coloured pellets.
17:12And the skittles?
17:13Skittles is right.
17:14And final question.
17:15You wait all day for one of my nougat-stroke-chocolate concoctions,
17:19then three come along at once.
17:20Oh, er, double...
17:21Can I ask you a question, Elaine?
17:23Er...
17:24Do you like, er, drama on the radio?
17:26Well, I don't hear many of them, to be honest, Alan.
17:30Then let me tell you a story.
17:32It's Boxing Day, 7am, and I am in the David Lloyd showers,
17:37er, when a muscle merchant wanders over to me and offers me some talc.
17:41I cup my hand and he gives me a mound.
17:43And I pat it around, and as the plume settles,
17:47he looks at me and says,
17:49why is there no drama on regional radio?
17:53I said, Sebastian, I'm ashamed to say I don't have an answer to that question.
17:57And I ran home at top speed and wrote a play for radio.
18:01It was only the next day that I realised I'd left my car there, so...
18:04I didn't realise you fancied yourself as a playwright.
18:06Er, I don't fancy myself, I'm not John Inverdale,
18:08but I've wanted to be a playwright for ages.
18:11Er, so, Elaine, would you like to hear a radio play?
18:13Well, yes.
18:15Thanks, Elaine.
18:16You're in.
18:17Not sure.
18:18So, er, please stay tuned, because later on we will be presenting
18:21the world premiere of A Chill Breeze or A Glowering Glass Blower,
18:25This Way Comes, because everyone has a story in them, don't they?
18:29You have a story in you.
18:30I'm sure.
18:32Yeah, I do.
18:33I, um...
18:33I've been trying to write a short story about how I tracked down my real mum.
18:39Um...
18:40I mean, I wasn't surprised, really, at how she reacted.
18:43She's got a new family now, so I don't blame her if she doesn't want to.
18:46Yes, exactly.
18:47Everyone has a story in them, um, but, er, right now, with the time at, er, midday, midday,
18:53or 12.12, let's have some music.
18:56Er, they perfectly describe the council's proposal to build affordable housing on Greenbelt land.
19:01This is madness.
19:05And now on North Norfolk Digital, Partridge Playhouse presents A Chill Breeze,
19:10or A Glowering Glass Blower, This Way Comes.
19:14Britain's cowers have started lying down in different directions, causing rural panic.
19:19The government appeals for calm, but maverick scientist Jim Hannigan suspects foul play.
19:28Professor Hannigan?
19:29Professor Hannigan?
19:31Professor Hannigan?
19:31Yes?
19:32Are you esteemed professor, Professor Hannigan?
19:35Last time I checked my lanyard...
19:37That's Hannigan, sharp as a tack.
19:39This is of the utmost secrecy.
19:41If the scientific community knew I was even approaching the man they'd ostracised,
19:46how can I be sure it's you?
19:48You'll notice I shook your hand quite badly.
19:52Of course.
19:53You're missing fingers.
19:55Something to his fingers.
19:56Hannigan's fingers are based on a guy I knew used to work the engine crane at Longbridge,
20:01and they're supposed to wear gauntlets, but...
20:03A London cocktail party with the cream of the world's scientific minds, yet one still can't
20:09get a decent glass of wine.
20:11John Blindborn.
20:12Whatever happened to him?
20:14He got caught having a bubble bath with a boy in the 90s, so his confidence has taken a bit
20:18of a knock, but he's still very good, and his rate's gone through the floor.
20:21Hello, Hannigan.
20:23Professor Jim Kelvin Hannigan, if you don't mind.
20:25So you're playing Hannigan?
20:26Yeah, yeah.
20:27I mean, a few actors read for the part.
20:29A guy called Mark Rylance.
20:31Yes.
20:31Yeah, he was spectacularly good, but he wasn't Hannigan.
20:35Professor Hawking is driving over to us now.
20:37In the end, I got the part.
20:38Hello, Mr Dooley.
20:40Oh, hello, Professor Hawking.
20:42You know your waistline is like the universe.
20:45How do you mean?
20:46It's ever expanding.
20:50You know the universe is ever expanding.
20:51Yeah.
20:52I don't have to stand for this.
20:54I'm going over there.
20:56Nice one, Hawks.
20:58Sometimes I wish I was disabled, but clever with a robot voice.
21:07We should be at my Norwich penthouse quite soon, my garlic beauty.
21:11Were it not for this damn traffic.
21:14I cannot wait.
21:15Traffic and travel.
21:16Driver, turn up the radio.
21:18Due to a major incident, all roads in and out of the south of Norwich have been shot by police.
21:21Uh, what the hell's this?
21:23Hello, Sarah.
21:24Do you know what the red light outside means?
21:26No girls allowed.
21:27Broadcasting.
21:27Who said you could pay it?
21:28Craig, who said you could pass around a sponsorship form for your daughter's fun run?
21:32What was that last bit?
21:34Oh, that was just part of the drama.
21:36But people might think it was an actual traffic report.
21:38I've seen the way you look at me.
21:40Your eyes devour me.
21:42What is this, anyway?
21:43And my groin burns for you.
21:45It's just a romantic subplot.
21:47All good dramas have them.
21:49I'm going to kiss you, so you'd better open your mouth.
21:51Very wide.
21:53Hmm, yeah.
21:54Clear up that traffic report now, or I'll have you taken off the air.
21:58Fine.
21:59And put me down for 50 quid if your daughter manages to leave herself around the course.
22:03I'll take that back.
22:05Hmm, yeah.
22:08Hmm.
22:08Hmm.
22:09Hmm.
22:10Hmm.
22:11Actually, I've just had a traffic report on my text.
22:15Hmm.
22:17Hmm.
22:17Hmm.
22:17It says that the only road closed into Norwich is, in actual fact, the A417.
22:23Other than that, everything's clear as a bell.
22:26Yep, that's your travel.
22:28Oh, that's nice.
22:29Let me just slip these socks off.
22:31Slip these socks off.
22:33You like my French underwear?
22:35Happy now?
22:35Take your top off.
22:37That was Hannigan, not me.
22:38Goodness me, you're busty.
22:40Again, Hannigan, not me.
22:41This is ridiculous.
22:42Sit on my lap.
22:42But they even got a knee, cousin.
22:44That's OK.
22:46I discarded my underpants ages ago.
22:49I'm going to spin on.
22:50Oh, my God.
22:51This is Alan Partridge.
22:53We're a little short of time, so I'll summarise to the end of the scene.
22:56Hannigan and Sarah make love.
22:59Hannigan more than satisfies her.
23:01His missing fingers are no impediment to this,
23:02because he has these implements that he screws on.
23:07He has a toy box, which he pulls out from under the bed.
23:10I'll skip that.
23:11But next morning, they wake up.
23:15They do it again.
23:16Again, he satisfies her.
23:17Again, the toy box.
23:19So we join them post-brunch,
23:21trying to find a way around the police roadblocks,
23:23the fictional police roadblocks.
23:25We need to get to the field with the lying down cows.
23:28I'm going to go off-road.
23:32I do all the animal noises.
23:37Are you sure the cow will manage it?
23:40You've never driven a Range Rover, have you?
23:42It's pretty much the only car you'll ever need.
23:46Range Rover.
23:47Listen, are you promoting Range Rover?
23:49No.
23:52No, I'm not promoting Range Rover.
23:55No, I know the rules.
23:57The guy happens to drive a Range Rover.
23:59End of.
24:01So what do you think of the Range Rover, anyway?
24:03In a word.
24:05Ambivalent.
24:05I've never felt so...
24:06Neutral.
24:07...about a car.
24:08And how much do they cost?
24:10Less than you might think.
24:12You could drive one off the forecourt for 20...
24:14Ah!
24:17...to pay for three years.
24:20Alan, I've spoken to Craig.
24:21You've got one more minute and then it comes off.
24:22Fine.
24:23Hello, I'm going to spool on to the final scene.
24:26It's a press conference.
24:27The next day, Dooley thinks he's going to humiliate Hannigan,
24:31but Hannigan is ready to play his ace.
24:33It's ace.
24:34Listen.
24:34And in conclusion, I can now end this press conference by saying
24:38there is no proof whatsoever of alien life.
24:42And if there are no more questions,
24:43this press conference will end in five, four, three, two...
24:50There is one, actually.
24:52Damn it.
24:54It's Hannigan.
24:55If someone did produce evidence,
24:57wouldn't that prove you quite wrong?
25:00Where is this evidence?
25:02It's here, in this jar.
25:05Good God.
25:07Like some fucking jelly with ice.
25:12And so the plot, like hot gravy, thickens.
25:16Let us know what you think of a chill wind or a glowing glass.
25:20You know the rest.
25:21And, yes, the inbox has gone crazy.
25:23Best play ever, says Jill.
25:25John in North Walsham says,
25:26I'm sure at the idea stage it was great.
25:29Thanks very much.
25:29John.
25:30And Toby in Walsham says,
25:31I think theatre is just for poofs and women.
25:34Yeah, well, it's not for everyone,
25:35but do keep your views coming in.
25:37Now, though, some music.
25:38This is Various Artists.
25:40Until you came.
25:42Oh, slowly, slowly.
25:48Slowly, slowly.
25:52Slowly, slowly.
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