- 7 weeks ago
Herman discovers that hometown loser Craig Lumpin became a millionaire due to motivational speaker Dick Van Adams. Herman decides to give the seminar a try which changes his professional life.
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00:00I have time for this, Herman. You take this.
00:02Hey, you finished that article on Craig Lumpen?
00:05Almost.
00:06There's a guy in my hometown named Craig Lumpen.
00:08We used to call him Dumpen Lumpen.
00:11Where in Ohio are you from?
00:13I'm from Millbury.
00:14Ha. Well, your Dumpen Lumpen from Millbury, Ohio, is worth $20 million.
00:21What? Dumpen Lumpen? How did he become a millionaire?
00:25He was this fat kid in marching band who always got pantsed.
00:28It says here he owes it all to motivational guru Dick Van Adams.
00:33Dumpen Lumpen is a success story and we're a lowly drone?
00:36Why are you so down on us?
00:39Look at us. We're nothing.
00:45Well, if you're so bothered by our self-image, why don't we do something about it?
00:49Like what?
00:51Hey, Dumpen.
00:53Why don't you do what I did? Take a Dick Van Adams motivational seminar.
00:56Hey, it worked for me.
00:58This city is exciting.
01:04Dangerous.
01:05Troubled.
01:07That woman's not wearing underwear.
01:09Is that all you can think about?
01:11Food and sex?
01:13Yes.
01:14Please, focus.
01:15Look out!
01:16Hey, it's Jack.
01:26No time for small talk. We're late.
01:29Petty, hold the elevator.
01:31Petty.
01:31Hey.
01:32I think Louise is so sweet.
01:41I think this woman is wearing underwear.
01:44I think there's too many people in this elevator.
01:46And I think you are all idiots.
01:49It's gonna work.
01:50Hey, it's gonna work.
01:51Hey, it's gonna work.
01:51Hey, it's gonna work.
01:52Hey, it's gonna work.
01:53Hey, it's gonna work.
01:54Hey, it's gonna work.
01:55Hey, it's gonna work.
01:56Hey, it's gonna work.
01:57Hey, it's gonna work.
01:57Hey, it's gonna work.
01:58Hey, it's gonna work.
01:59Hey, it's gonna work.
01:59Hey, it's gonna work.
02:00Hey, it's gonna work.
02:01Hey, it's gonna work.
02:02Hey, it's gonna work.
02:03Hey, it's gonna work.
02:04Hey, it's gonna work.
02:05Hey, it's gonna work.
02:06Hey, it's gonna work.
02:07Hey, it's gonna work.
02:08Hey, it's gonna work.
02:09Hey, it's gonna work.
02:10Hey, it's gonna work.
02:11Come on, Herman. You're going to get a lot out of this.
02:26I don't know, Louise. I'm beginning to feel like this is a big mistake.
02:29No, no. Come on. It's about to start.
02:31Let's get some good seats before all the good ones are taken.
02:33What? In a room full of people with low self-esteem?
02:35You can probably have any seat you want.
02:37Just tell them they don't deserve to sit there.
02:41Oh, thanks for the tip.
02:42Hey, Fatso, give me that seat.
02:45Or should I say those seats.
02:48I'm sorry. Don't cry.
02:52This is a room full of complete losers.
02:56I'm home.
03:00This is ridiculous. A seminar is not going to solve our problem.
03:04He's right. I know it'll solve our problem.
03:06Backbreaking work, intense concentration, and a willingness to put in long hours.
03:11You're talking about sex again, aren't you?
03:16It was that obvious, huh?
03:18And it made me hungry. Let's go get a donut.
03:21Right.
03:21Is, uh, that the last sugar donut?
03:25I think so.
03:26That's too bad. I really wanted one.
03:28Oh, you can have this one.
03:29Well, thank you.
03:31Which one do you want?
03:32Uh, I think I'll have the chocolate.
03:34I want that one, too.
03:36It's all right with you, isn't it?
03:39Yeah, I guess.
03:41Why is that all right with you?
03:44Just trying to be nice.
03:47You know, I used to be a lot like you, Herm.
03:51Nice, friendly guy with nothing.
03:53Then I learned to identify what I want and take it.
03:56Then why are you at the seminar, Dick?
03:59I am the seminar. I'm Dick Van Adams.
04:07And I can turn your life around.
04:10Now, what do you want?
04:11I want success and fulfillment in my professional life.
04:14I'll show you how to get it.
04:15And you?
04:16I want to find love and happiness.
04:18I'll show you how to get it.
04:19Oh.
04:20And you?
04:22I want courage.
04:23Where I come from, they have what we call heroes.
04:31I don't think there's anything in that bag for me.
04:40I say we worship this man as a god.
04:45Herm, I promise.
04:46You give me three hours, I'll show you how to identify what you want and take it.
04:51Now, do you want that sugar donut?
04:53Yes, I do.
04:54Well, so do I.
04:55Oh, that's okay. I'll have the jelly donut.
04:58Well, it may take three hours, several audio cassettes, and my best-selling book.
05:03All right, people, let's get started.
05:05This is the first step toward becoming your own person.
05:08The Dick Van Adams way.
05:19Has anybody seen our friend, Mr. Brooks?
05:21No, sir.
05:22Louise, did you end up going to that so-called self-improvement seminar?
05:26I did, but it was a bust, so I left early.
05:28I could have told you that.
05:29Those things are nothing more than medicine shows.
05:31Actually, the medicine show was across the hall, and it was great.
05:34This pharmaceutical company was giving out samples of this new drug.
05:37The good news is I never felt better.
05:39The bad news is my hair's coming out in clumps.
05:46Do those experimental drugs impair your ability to do research?
05:50No, they enhance it.
05:53Well, I'm glad to hear that.
05:55Give Hetty some.
05:58Hey, Weezy.
05:59J-Roll.
06:00Hey.
06:01Mwah.
06:02Louise, you wouldn't believe what is going on upstairs.
06:04They're replacing the associate editor of Outdoor Sportsman magazine.
06:08That guy was like my biggest fan up there.
06:09Louise, check these files for me.
06:15I may be busy for a while.
06:16My future ex-husband just walked in.
06:21Excuse me.
06:22Is there something that I could do for you?
06:26Oh, my God.
06:27Herman, it's you.
06:29How dare you pretend not to be a loser?
06:36Herman, normally I would give you endless crap about this new look of yours.
06:39But, uh, I got a lot of stuff on my mind.
06:41I'll be with you in a minute.
06:42Louise, would you call these people back and tell them I won't be able to talk to them until next week?
06:45Oh, and if, uh, Harris calls, put him right through.
06:47Herman, I'm not your secretary.
06:49Of course not.
06:51You're a valuable member of the Herman Brooks team.
06:55Wow, I've never been picked for a team before where they didn't all go all and you got fit, sir.
07:01First, hang on a sec.
07:02I'll be right with you.
07:03Hi, Mrs. Brooks.
07:04It's Louise.
07:05Hi.
07:06Listen, I'm calling for your son, Herman.
07:07So, Jay, what do you want?
07:10Well, there's been a lot of shake-ups upstairs.
07:11I'm worried about this article I've been writing.
07:13What you need to do is take control of the situation.
07:15Don't wait for other people's decisions to influence you.
07:18Y-T-A.
07:19You take action.
07:22A-Y-N.
07:23Are you nuts?
07:24What is going on with you?
07:25Dick Van Adams is what's going on.
07:28Here's one of Dick's tapes.
07:29Take this home.
07:30Listen to it.
07:31Live it.
07:33Ooh, nice suit.
07:34Hey, sharp tie.
07:36It's really a beaut.
07:37And I know why.
07:38The Van Adams way.
07:39The Van Adams way.
07:40The Dick Van Adams way.
07:46Herman, telephone for you.
07:47It's Mr. Harris.
07:48Herman Brooks.
07:49Yes, Mr. Harris.
07:52Thank you, sir.
07:53You won't regret it.
07:53You are looking at the new associate editor of Outdoor Sportsman magazine.
07:59You're?
07:59You're the new associate editor.
08:01I saw the opportunity.
08:02I stepped up to the plate.
08:03I hit it out of the park.
08:04What?
08:04I'm going to be reporting to you?
08:06Yeah.
08:06Yeah.
08:07I guess it's going to be great.
08:08We'll be able to work together.
08:09You're part of the Herman Brooks team.
08:12Yeah.
08:12I'll just pick first.
08:14Yeah.
08:14Not now.
08:15Not now.
08:15Not now.
08:18How did you get the job?
08:19I mean, you're a...
08:20Who did...
08:21You skipped a few steps here, pal.
08:22That's what the Dick Van Adams system is all about.
08:25Listen to the tapes, Jay.
08:29Hey, Breck and Brooks here.
08:30Listen, something's come up I need to discuss with you.
08:33Brooks, get the hell into my office!
08:37Uh, I'm free now.
08:43You want to tell me what's going on?
08:45You're three hours late.
08:47You're calling me on the phone, and you look like Pat Riley.
08:49I'll be brief.
08:52I've received another job offer, and I've decided to take it.
08:55I see.
08:56Well, what's the job?
08:57Associate editor of Outdoor Sportsman magazine.
09:00I thought you wanted to be a writer.
09:02Oh, let's face it.
09:03The writing track is a slow track.
09:04I am on the express to success.
09:08Herman, mottos and slogans don't get you anywhere.
09:12Anything worthwhile is worth waiting for.
09:15Patience is just an excuse for procrastination.
09:17A bird in the hand, Herman.
09:21Playing it safe is playing it stupid.
09:25I'm rubber, you're glue.
09:26Anything you say to me bounces off and sticks me.
09:30Ran out, huh?
09:31Yep.
09:32Sorry, gotta run.
09:33Now, wait a minute, Herman.
09:34We're buried in work here.
09:36You can't just leave without giving me two weeks' notice.
09:39Maybe we should rethink this.
09:40Nope.
09:41No time for thinking.
09:42Thinking is for people who can't take action.
09:44Do we think, or do we do?
09:47We do!
09:52And who are we gonna do?
09:54We're not gonna do anybody!
09:57Well, in that case, I think.
09:59What do you think?
10:00I think we should do someone!
10:03I'm sorry, Mr. Bracken, but this new job may not be there in two weeks.
10:07Luis, somebody could come box up my desk and send it up to the 38th floor.
10:10Wow, you're moving up to the 38th floor?
10:14Who do you have to sleep with to get a job up there?
10:17From now on, me.
10:27Hey!
10:30Hey!
10:30Hey!
10:36Nice digs, bud.
10:37Nice.
10:38Somebody's moving up in the world, huh?
10:40Ooh.
10:41I bet your 976 numbers aren't blocked.
10:45I wouldn't know.
10:46Well, let's find out, shall we?
10:47Jay, we have a lot of work to do.
10:49I'd really...
10:49What do you want, hot young nurses or a trip to Saigon?
10:52Jay, hang up.
10:54All right.
10:57I read your article.
10:58Oh, yeah?
10:58A lot of good work here.
10:59Oh, good.
11:00You liked it?
11:01Excellent.
11:01Let's blow off the rest of the afternoon.
11:05Jay, I said a lot of good work.
11:07It doesn't mean we can't make it better.
11:08Oh.
11:10Oh, come on in, Sandy.
11:11You don't mind if I eat while we do this?
11:12No, no.
11:13It looks good.
11:14Jay, don't eat my potato.
11:18Great.
11:19Great.
11:19You just screwed up my calorie count.
11:21Those are the exact calories my nutritionist worked out for me.
11:24Sorry.
11:26Now, about your article.
11:27I really think that fly fishing is a good jumping off point,
11:32but is it what the outdoor sportsman wants to read about?
11:35Yeah, Herm.
11:36Fly fishing is a very in thing right now.
11:38Oh, is it?
11:39Is it?
11:40Or is it a downer?
11:43Herm, it's a painstaking exacting enterprise for the sake of pure sport.
11:47Yeah, yeah, but it doesn't pop.
11:49It doesn't pop?
11:52No, no, it's not sexy.
11:53It's not like zipping around in a powerboat hunting sailfish with an exploding harpoon.
11:57No.
11:59There you go.
12:00Now you're on the team.
12:01Now you're playing ball.
12:02People want power.
12:03They want to set their sights on a target and get there as fast as they can.
12:06They want motorboats, technology,
12:09a big bloody game fish they can pose with at the end of the day.
12:13Well, maybe, Herm, but that's not what this is about.
12:16Maybe it should be.
12:17Oh, I see.
12:21This is what you were talking about, huh?
12:22This is how we're going to work together?
12:24You're going to completely change my articles.
12:25Hey, Jay, come on.
12:26We're friends and all, but I have a job to do here.
12:28Yeah, but you're not doing your job very well.
12:31Oh.
12:31Oh, yes, I see what this is about.
12:35Dick warned me about this in audio cassette number seven.
12:39Dick specifically mentioned me by name, did he?
12:42No.
12:43No, he just called you the resentful friend.
12:45Ex-friend.
12:46You want to fix that?
12:47Do it yourself.
12:49How'd that pop for you?
12:50Good pop?
12:51See your Chevy Geo Network dealer for your new Chevy Lumina today.
13:06Please, I need that poetry article right away.
13:08Eddie, how's that nature series coming?
13:10Claire, have this photocopied right away.
13:12Where's the new guy?
13:13Ah, Mr. Bracken, it's the new guy.
13:16Where are you?
13:19Okay, this is how you get back.
13:21Go down the hall, take your first left,
13:23go straight past the elevator.
13:24You can't miss it.
13:26The next time you send a new guy out for coffee,
13:29draw him a map.
13:31Hey, guys.
13:32Herman, you got a lot of nerve coming down here.
13:34Thanks to you, we have twice as much work to do.
13:36The trick is you have to delegate.
13:38Okay, here.
13:40It means you have to delegate down, not up.
13:43I tried to come visit you,
13:44but your executive assistant said you were having a massage
13:47and couldn't be bothered.
13:49You would not believe the stress up there.
13:51All we have to relax us down here
13:53is the soothing sound of Mr. Bracken's voice.
13:56Herman, how do you get back to work?
13:57Ah, like fingernails on a chalkboard.
14:02You know, Herman,
14:03I was gonna come up and visit you,
14:04but you dumped on my boyfriend
14:05and he kinda hates you,
14:06and so do I.
14:09Louise, I am an editor.
14:11I know I changed Jay's story,
14:12but I was just doing my job.
14:15Hello, Herman.
14:15Hello, Paul.
14:16Bracken.
14:20Mr. Bracken.
14:22What can I do for you?
14:24Do you, uh, have a chance to check those articles
14:25I sent down there?
14:26There's a real rush on them.
14:27Herman, you know how things work down here.
14:30Articles are prioritized according to publishing day.
14:32Yeah, but I thought you might be able to, uh,
14:34move them to the top of the pile.
14:35Hmm.
14:39Life is full of little disappointments.
14:42Cy, for instance, was hoping that you could have given me
14:44two weeks' notice.
14:48Oh, my God.
14:50Our friends hate us.
14:51What are we gonna do?
14:52Forget about them.
14:54They're holding you back.
14:55Yeah.
14:56Who needs friends?
14:57We got dick.
15:03Hey, Jay.
15:04Don't.
15:05Hey, Jamie.
15:05And thanks, by the way,
15:07for scrapping my fishing article.
15:08I just heard it's not being published.
15:09I have no idea what you're talking about,
15:12but let's go up to my office and talk to Harris.
15:13Fine.
15:17Research.
15:18Hey, Mr. Brackett, it's the new guy.
15:22Where are you now?
15:24Well, how did you get there?
15:26Well, never mind.
15:26Here's what you do.
15:28You take the A train.
15:33Mr. Harris.
15:33Brooks, where you been?
15:34I was talking to Nichols.
15:35You told me you pulled the fishing article?
15:37Had to.
15:37I assigned you an article
15:39on the simple pleasures of fishing,
15:41and you come back with some
15:42overblown extravaganza
15:43with sailfish and exploding harpoons?
15:48Sailfish and exploding harpoons?
15:49That's all our stuff.
15:50Oh, we've got to come clean.
15:52We can't let Jay take the blame
15:53for something we did.
15:55Let Jay worry about Jay.
15:57You worry about you.
15:58He's right.
15:59We're in the clear.
16:00So someone got in a little trouble.
16:03What were you thinking
16:03when you wrote this?
16:04Uh-huh.
16:05Well, I think Jay was trying
16:06to give the article more drive.
16:08You know, a fisherman
16:09who identifies what he wants
16:10and takes it.
16:11Uh-huh.
16:12That's the worst idea
16:13I've ever heard.
16:15And I'm starting to think
16:16hiring you was a big mistake.
16:18Mr. Harris,
16:18don't blame Herman.
16:19I take full responsibility
16:20for this article.
16:22You do?
16:23Yeah.
16:23But looking at it now,
16:24I see that the approach
16:25was obviously utterly misguided.
16:27It's just so completely moronic.
16:30The whole thing is an exercise
16:31and terrible, terrible judge.
16:33No, no, no, no.
16:34I think there was some marriage.
16:35No.
16:36No, no, no.
16:36The whole thing is a colossal failure
16:39on every level.
16:40Well, I wouldn't go that far.
16:41I would.
16:42Further even.
16:44But I like the way
16:45you stick up for your friends, Brooks.
16:48Fill that spot
16:49with the article
16:49on cross-country skiing.
16:53All right.
16:55So why did you cover for me?
16:56I thought it would be nice
16:57for you to see how a friend behaves.
16:58Since obviously you forgot.
16:59Uh, excuse me.
17:07I must have gotten turned around.
17:09How do I get back
17:09to the research department?
17:12Oh, it's 12 floors down.
17:14Take it right off the elevator.
17:15You can't miss it.
17:16Dear God, I hope you're right.
17:20You haven't heard the worst part.
17:21Now Harris thinks
17:22I'm a terrible writer.
17:23He's not going to sign me
17:23any more articles.
17:24I don't get it.
17:25How come he didn't just say
17:26it was all Herman's fault?
17:27I didn't want to stoop to his level,
17:29but man, did he deserve it.
17:30Ugh, Herman's really changed.
17:32You're telling me.
17:33God, who'd have thought
17:34he'd turn into such a
17:35sneaky little son of a bitch?
17:39You know what they call him
17:39down in the research room?
17:40Hmm?
17:41Herm the worm.
17:44You know what the writers call him?
17:45No.
17:46Vermin Herman.
17:48You guys are so much better
17:49at that than us.
17:50Our friends hate and despise us.
18:00Don't you remember what I said?
18:02You don't need friends.
18:03You've got a career.
18:05You know, I am sick
18:06of your bad advice
18:07and your hollow promises.
18:08It's all your fault
18:09when we're in this mess,
18:10so get out.
18:12Yeah, get out.
18:15All right.
18:16Fine.
18:18And take your stupid medal
18:19with you.
18:20Yeah, take your stupid medal
18:22with you.
18:23And take her, too.
18:25Yeah, take her, too.
18:26Ah!
18:26Ah!
18:35Let's go, people.
18:36We're falling behind.
18:38I'm sorry, Hedy.
18:38I'm going to have to add
18:39this to your pile.
18:40Louise,
18:40oh, don't tell me
18:42that Louise is lost now.
18:45I'm not lost.
18:45I'm right here.
18:46Oh, thank God.
18:49Where's the new guy?
18:50Did he ever show up?
18:51Oh, as a matter of fact,
18:52he's holding for you.
18:52He's on line, too.
18:58New guy?
19:00This is Bracken.
19:02Where are you now?
19:04Okay, here's what you do.
19:06You take the expressway
19:07to exit 51.
19:09You turn left
19:10at the third stop sign.
19:12You go two blocks
19:13until you come
19:14to a green stucco house
19:15with a gum gum tree
19:16in front.
19:18Yes, yes, I know.
19:19That's where
19:19your parents live.
19:20You'll be safer there.
19:24Louise,
19:25call personnel.
19:26Tell them the old
19:27new guy didn't work out.
19:28We're going to need
19:28a new new guy.
19:31Take me away from this.
19:33Take me upstairs.
19:34Please,
19:34I am so sorry
19:35for calling you a loser.
19:36Hedy,
19:36I'm no longer
19:37associate editor.
19:38I quit.
19:39Loser.
19:39Hi, Louise.
19:44Louise?
19:45Herman,
19:45can't you tell
19:46by my expression
19:46I do not wish
19:47to speak to you?
19:49Uh, actually, no.
19:54Um,
19:56since L.J.,
19:56I quit
19:57and I told Mr. Harris
19:58that it was all my fault.
20:05Mr. Bracken,
20:05do you have a minute?
20:06Barely, Herman.
20:07I'm swamped.
20:08Well, sir,
20:09I quit my job upstairs
20:10and I'd like to know
20:11if I could have
20:11my old job back.
20:14Well,
20:14I don't know,
20:15Herman.
20:16Herman and I
20:16have hired
20:18a capable replacement.
20:19I mean,
20:20the new guy
20:20is a whirlwind.
20:22He's all over the place.
20:26Uh,
20:26maybe we could
20:28hire you on
20:29as an intern
20:30at a stipend.
20:32Well,
20:33think about that, sir.
20:34Mr. Bracken,
20:35it's the new guy.
20:35He can't find
20:36his dress list.
20:37Mr. Bracken,
20:38Mr. Bracken,
20:39I'm all right there.
20:39All right, all right.
20:40Mr. Bracken,
20:41it's the new guy.
20:42Herman,
20:43there's a small possibility
20:46that the new guy
20:47just might not work out.
20:49Come on,
20:50Mr. Bracken.
20:51All right,
20:51here's my final offer.
20:52You owe a job
20:53at Joel's salary?
20:54I'll take it.
20:54Done.
20:58Jay,
20:59Herman,
21:00Louise just told me
21:01you quit
21:01your associate editor's job.
21:03That's right, Jay,
21:03and I just want you
21:04to know,
21:04before I left,
21:05I told Harris
21:05that everything
21:06he didn't like
21:06in your story
21:07was my idea
21:08and you'll get
21:08the chance
21:09to write another
21:09article for him.
21:10It's too bad
21:11you couldn't have
21:11set things straight
21:12in time to have
21:12my article published.
21:14I'm sorry about that, Jay.
21:16Yeah,
21:16me too.
21:18Come on, Jay.
21:19It's not like
21:20I've never forgiven
21:20you for anything.
21:22But I forgave you
21:23the time you had
21:23sex with that married
21:24woman on my fire escape
21:25and her husband
21:26thought it was me.
21:28And I forgave you
21:29the time I asked you
21:30to find Mr. Bracken
21:31a date and you
21:32fixed him up
21:32with a hooker.
21:35Charge it to your
21:35credit card, too.
21:38Remember the time
21:39you pushed me
21:39out of an airplane?
21:41Twice.
21:43How about the time
21:45I slept with your sister?
21:51I didn't think
21:52that was funny.
21:53Okay, okay.
21:54Well, what about
21:54the time I handcuffed
21:55you to this door
21:56and ran off
21:57with a princess
21:57to stade?
21:59Are we nuts?
22:00We're nuts.
22:01Why, how about
22:02the time you
22:02screwed up my article
22:03and I hired that
22:04Burmese guy
22:05to break into
22:06your apartment
22:06and shave your head?
22:08When did you do that?
22:09This morning.
22:11I wouldn't go home
22:12for a couple of days
22:12if I were you.
22:15Jay, you're kidding, right?
22:18Jay?
22:20Hey, Jay!
22:21Hey!
22:21Hey!
22:21Well, I'm glad
22:30everything's back
22:31to normal.
22:31Yeah, isn't it great?
22:32We've got our friend
22:33Jay back.
22:34Yes, things were
22:35a little rocky there,
22:36but now everything's
22:37hunky-dory.
22:39Oh, I'll get that.
22:41Well, I wonder
22:41who that could be.
22:42Are you expecting anyone?
22:44Uh, excuse me.
22:46How do I get back
22:47to the research department?
22:48I've got it.
22:51You head all the way down.
22:53Just keep right on going.
22:54Okay.
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