- 7 minutes ago
Herman has to give a speech at the writer's conference, but has a bad case of stage fight
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00:00Trouble?
00:02That woman's not wearing underwear.
00:04Is that all you can think about? Food and sex?
00:08Yes. Please, focus!
00:10Look out!
00:18Hey, it's Jay!
00:20No time for small talk. We're late.
00:24Petty, hold the elevator.
00:26Petty.
00:30I think Louise is so sweet.
00:36I think this woman is wearing underwear.
00:39I think there's too many people in this elevator.
00:42And I think you are all idiots.
00:44Let's go to work!
01:00Research.
01:04The atomic weight of plutonium. Hold on.
01:06Louise, it's for you.
01:09Petty, you work in this research department too.
01:12It wouldn't kill you to do a little work around here.
01:14Hey, why take the chance?
01:16Good morning, people.
01:18Good morning, people.
01:20Just a reminder that Waterton is hosting an annual publisher's conference.
01:24There will be a lot of executives.
01:26Everybody should be on their best behavior.
01:28This is a great opportunity.
01:30I need to get a list of all the top executives at the conference.
01:34Research.
01:35Get me a list of all the top executives at the conference.
01:38Research.
01:39Research.
01:40Get me a list of all the top executives at the conference.
01:41Teddy.
01:42It's on your desk.
01:43Good work.
01:44Good morning, everyone.
01:45Herman, we have a very big research project.
01:47Now, here's a list of all the top executives attending the conference.
01:50We need to find out marital status,
01:53job title, and income.
01:54Wait, who's it for?
01:55It's for me, you idiot.
01:56Teddy, I think it's disgusting that you're going to use this conference to find a man
02:00for your own personal Mitch Reddy.
02:01Where, where?
02:02Mitch Reddy.
02:03Teddy.
02:04Heady.
02:05Heady.
02:06Heady.
02:07Heady.
02:08Heady.
02:09Heady.
02:10Heady.
02:11Heady.
02:12Heady.
02:13Heady.
02:14Heady.
02:15Heady.
02:16Heady.
02:17Heady.
02:18Heady.
02:19Heady.
02:20Heady.
02:21Heady.
02:22Heady.
02:23Heady.
02:24Heady.
02:25Heady.
02:26Heady.
02:27Heady.
02:28Heady.
02:29Heady.
02:30I take it.
02:31You had a thing for this guy?
02:32It depends on what you call a thing, Herman.
02:34If sprinkling my pillow with his cologne, following him to work every day, and paying
02:38a dry cleaner for one of his soiled shirts constitutes a thing, I guess I did.
02:44Did anything ever come of it?
02:46You mean like a restraining order?
02:49Herman, I'd like you to meet my daughter.
02:52Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Ms. Crawford.
02:53That's not my daughter.
02:54I'd just like you to meet my daughter sometime.
03:00This is Carol Stevens.
03:01She's in charge of the publisher's conference.
03:03Nice to meet you.
03:04I'm looking forward to hearing your speech.
03:06Oh, I'm not giving a speech.
03:08Of course you are.
03:09I signed you up myself.
03:11You never told me about any speech.
03:13I hope this isn't a problem.
03:14The topic is research technology and Mr. Crawford said you were the best.
03:19Oh, God.
03:20Another speech?
03:21You know we've never been able to speak in front of large groups.
03:24Don't you remember?
03:25That was the single most embarrassing moment of our childhood.
03:28I've never forgiven you for that.
03:29Well, it was your idea to drink all that apple juice before we went on stage.
03:32I mean, Christmas toora and toora.
03:39Uh-oh.
03:41Will you both forget about that?
03:42That was years ago.
03:43Besides, Mr. Crawford is a vice president and he's giving us a tremendous opportunity.
03:48The only thing I care about is getting that blonde chick to take her clothes off.
03:53I don't care about the speech.
03:54I don't want to give a speech.
03:55Forget about the speech.
03:57If we give the speech, the blonde chick will be impressed and may just take off her clothes.
04:04Then speak the speech, I pray you.
04:09So, can I count on you for the speech?
04:12Absolutely.
04:13Thank you, Sherman.
04:14I've always thought we've had more than just a boss-underling relationship and that we were, in fact, friends.
04:19Well, I'm glad you feel that way.
04:21I just need to know.
04:22Is Sherman your first name or your last name?
04:25Neither.
04:26Neither.
04:27Whatever.
04:35So, what's this speech about again?
04:37It's about magazine research in the 90s.
04:39Ooh.
04:40That explains all those people with lawn chairs and sleeping bags lined up outside.
04:45Look, it's just gonna be a couple of people.
04:47This is what they do for a living.
04:49I'm sure there'll be plenty interested in my presentation.
04:51Sherman, your parents wouldn't be interested in that presentation.
04:54With more advanced technology available, research has evolved.
05:03Forget what Jay said.
05:04We're in great shape.
05:05All we need to do is a little more work on this speech and get a good night's sleep.
05:08Herman, he's here.
05:10Who?
05:11Mitch Reddy.
05:12Well, here's your chance.
05:13Go talk to him.
05:14I couldn't talk to him for three years.
05:15How could I talk to him now?
05:16You're talking to me?
05:17It's as simple as that.
05:18Yeah, maybe you're right.
05:19This isn't so hard.
05:20And you.
05:21And look, I'm talking to this guy.
05:22Hi, I'm Louise Fitzger.
05:23Nice to know you.
05:24Nice to see you.
05:25Who am I kidding?
05:26I can't do this.
05:27Oh, Louise is in trouble.
05:28Let's help her.
05:29No, Louise is in trouble.
05:30Let's help her.
05:32Please help me focus on this speech.
05:35Louise, you're a terrific woman.
05:36Now go talk to him.
05:37I need more, Herman.
05:38Okay, you're funny.
05:39You're intelligent.
05:40I know all that.
05:41How about the body, Herman?
05:42You bet it is.
05:43In your dreams, pal.
05:45Okay, it's all working now.
05:47I'm a love machine.
05:48Point me in the right direction.
05:49Over there, babe.
05:50Okay, here I go.
05:51I'm walking.
05:52I'm moving.
05:53I'm going, Herman.
05:54Stop following me.
05:56Louise, you're not going anywhere.
05:57Okay, here I go.
05:59Hey, Mitch.
06:02Hello.
06:03Hi, Carol.
06:04I just wanted to say that I'm very excited about this speech.
06:08Mr. Crawford speaks very highly of you.
06:10Well, that's very nice.
06:11Of course, Mr. Crawford also speaks highly of the Ernest movies.
06:15Uh, is there anything that I can do for you?
06:18Anything at all?
06:20I believe I can field this one.
06:25If I need anything, I'll let you know.
06:27Okay.
06:28Good luck.
06:31Well, good.
06:32You're working on your speech.
06:33Yeah, I'm trying to, Jay.
06:34Good, because I was just talking to the busboy,
06:35and he said if you screw up one of these speeches,
06:37you could really end your career.
06:39What the hell does a busboy know about giving a speech?
06:42He gave last year's.
06:45Are you finished with your dinner, sir?
06:49What are you doing?
06:50Practicing.
06:51Look.
06:52I want to make an impression with this speech.
06:53I do want your bag coming through.
06:54You've got to help me catch this neurotic little gnat and suppress our fear.
07:06But I want to find out how Louise is doing.
07:08What about the publisher check?
07:11We will do that publisher check five different ways.
07:19Now, are you with me?
07:20Six ways.
07:23Fine.
07:24Research is a very...
07:26Herman, you ready to give your speech?
07:33Well, I hope so.
07:34Actually, past experiences have made me a little gun-shy.
07:37Gun-shy or not, Herman, it's high noon.
07:45Posse, this time we're going to have to bring him to justice.
07:48I think we all know the havoc he'll wreak if we don't find him in time.
07:52Take a good look.
07:58This head just ain't big enough for the four of us.
08:08That's right.
08:14You'll be fine.
08:15Hi, Herman.
08:16How are you feeling?
08:17I'm a little nervous.
08:18You don't look nervous.
08:19You look great.
08:22Did she say we look great?
08:25Will you come on?
08:27Later, ma'am.
08:28Six ways.
08:34Well, good luck.
08:36Later, ma'am.
08:38I mean, I'll talk to you later.
08:41Herman, Herman, guess what?
08:43What?
08:44I have a date with Mitch Reddy.
08:45That's great.
08:46I'm a basket case.
08:47Poor Louise.
08:50Well, I reckon we better help her.
08:54Will you come on?
08:56Miss Louise, we'll be back.
09:01Louise, right now I'm trying to prepare for my speech.
09:03I'll help you with Mitch later.
09:04Just give me a little something.
09:06Uh, nice shoes.
09:07Keep going.
09:08Nice dress.
09:09Get off the clothes, Herman.
09:10Uh, you look well rested.
09:11I'll take it.
09:13All right, everybody.
09:15If you'll take your seats, we'll get started in a moment.
09:19Herman, anything you want me to say for your introduction?
09:21Oh, yeah.
09:22Something simple.
09:23I don't want too much of a build-up.
09:24I don't want their expectations to be too high.
09:27Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves for a rare treat.
09:32It's my great pleasure to introduce to you a young man who's accomplished so much in his short career.
09:41Pulled himself up by his own bootstraps.
09:44The son of poor dirt farmers from the foothills of Georgia.
09:47A credit to his race.
09:49Who is about to deliver a speech...
09:51God, the moon will think I've been confused with parents.
09:53Thomas.
09:55Ladies and gentlemen, a warm Waterton Publishing welcome to...
09:59Sherman...
10:01Sherman!
10:06Thank you, Mr. Crawford, for that spirited, if somewhat delusional introduction.
10:11My pleasure.
10:13I'm going to speak to you today about the evolution of research in the 90s.
10:19Uh-oh.
10:20Research.
10:21Research.
10:22Research.
10:23Herman, are you alright?
10:24I can't do this.
10:25Bravo!
10:26Visio!
10:27Bravo!
10:28Visio!
10:29Bravo!
10:30Visio!
10:31Bravo!
10:32Bravo!
10:33I just want you to know, however bad that speech was, there'll always be a place for you here in the research room.
10:47Hell, you can work here 30 years if you like.
10:48There's some good news.
10:49Oh, boy, these conventions are hard work.
10:50Miss Hattie, what kind of work have you been doing?
10:51Networking, schmoozing, and letting associate editors press up against me.
10:52What is that smell?
10:53Middle management, the other thing.
10:55Listen to me.
10:56I just want you to know, however bad that speech was, there'll always be a place for you here in the research room.
10:59Hell, you can work here 30 years if you like.
11:04There's some good news.
11:07Oh, boy, these conventions are hard work.
11:11Miss Hattie, what kind of work have you been doing?
11:13Networking, schmoozing, and letting associate editors press up against me.
11:17Ah, what is that smell?
11:20Well, middle management, they love Aramis.
11:24You know, I only have one day left to meet the chairman of the board.
11:27Why don't you just start with the chairman of the board?
11:30Corporate types love to steal women from their underlings.
11:32It reinforces their masculinity.
11:35You understand the male psyche so well.
11:38You could have been a sociologist, a teacher, a...
11:40Prostitute.
11:44And how's it going with you and Mr. Potato Head?
11:46His name is Mitch Reddy, and for your information, we have a date.
11:51Ooh, a date.
11:54Louise, when are you going out with Mitch?
11:56Actually, I'm not, but don't tell Hedy.
11:58What do you mean you're not?
12:00Your walking out on your speech taught me something very important.
12:02What's that?
12:03That it's better to chicken out than make a complete fool of yourself.
12:06I'm canceling my date with Mitch.
12:08Louise, you can't.
12:09Sherman!
12:12My God, that speech was a disaster.
12:14That was the most weak-kneed, spineless, mamby-pamby display of female histrionics that I've ever had the misfortune to witness.
12:24But otherwise, you were fine with it.
12:27Sherman, I don't like sarcasm.
12:28It confuses me.
12:31Mr. Crawford, I feel bad enough as it is.
12:34I mean, when am I going to get another chance like that?
12:36Tomorrow at 2 o'clock.
12:38What?
12:39Sit down.
12:39I want to tell you a little story.
12:40I was once afraid of cottage cheese.
12:46Thought it was the devil's food.
12:49Then one day I forced myself to scarf down a whole tub of it.
12:54And that wasn't easy because I'm lactose intolerant.
12:58But soon I grew to like it.
13:01Now I eat it all the time.
13:03Mostly with fruit.
13:04See where I'm going with this?
13:05Not at all.
13:09Damn, I was hoping you were keeping track.
13:14We're giving the speech again.
13:15If we don't, for the rest of our life we'll be known as a spineless, sniveling worm.
13:20What's wrong with that?
13:24Okay, Mr. Crawford, I'll give this speech another try.
13:27Good.
13:28You've got to get right back on that horse after he's thrown you off.
13:32Then you've got to shoot that horse so he doesn't do it again.
13:35Then you dig a big hole and you put him in that and you cover him all over with dirt.
13:42Herman, you're not actually going to give that speech again, are you?
13:46Yes, and you're going on your date.
13:47No, I'm not.
13:48Louise, if I'm giving the speech, you are going out with Mitch Reddy.
13:51Herman, I'd rather quit while I'm ahead.
13:52He already said he likes me.
13:54He asked me on a date.
13:55I could feed off of that for a very long time.
13:57You have been dreaming about this guy for two years.
13:59Louise, if you don't go through with this, you're going to go on dreaming about him and
14:03what might have been for the rest of your life.
14:05You're right.
14:06You're right.
14:06I'm going to do it.
14:07Okay, here's the plan.
14:08You're going to give that speech and I'm going out with Mitch.
14:10All for one and one for all, right?
14:12Right, right.
14:12You're going on your date and I'm going to make this speech.
14:15I can't make this speech.
14:17What are you talking about?
14:18I'm terrified to speak in front of all those people.
14:20Okay, relax, Herman.
14:21I was doing this interview yesterday for the story about this hypnotist.
14:24She helps people overcome fears just like this.
14:27Maybe you should give it a try.
14:28No, I don't know.
14:29Jay, hypnosis?
14:30No, supposedly she's helped a lot of people.
14:31Listen, I'm going to set the whole thing up for tonight and I'll go with you.
14:33No, you don't have to come, Jay.
14:35No, no, no.
14:35I'd like to be there for you.
14:37She's hot, isn't she?
14:38Oh, yeah.
14:38Yeah.
14:45Good to see you again, Jay.
14:48Have a seat.
14:50I'm still not sure about this.
14:52Look, what we're going to do here tonight is give you a hypnotic suggestion to help you suppress your fear.
14:57Not everyone responds to this kind of hypnosis.
14:59That's true, Herm.
15:00She tried it on me and nothing happened.
15:04I'm a little tea pot, short and soft.
15:11That was amazing.
15:12What?
15:15It'll only last a day or so.
15:16Completely unethical, but I couldn't resist.
15:20You're not going to do that to me, are you?
15:22What?
15:23Are you going to look at my breasts and yodel?
15:26That was a compliment.
15:29No.
15:30Then you have nothing to worry about.
15:32Now, Herman, I want you to close your eyes and relax.
15:37This is bogus.
15:38I don't even see a license on the wall.
15:40Is this business regulated?
15:42Oh, no.
15:42This is good.
15:43Voodoo, witchcraft, mumbo-jumbo.
15:44This woman's going to help us.
15:48Wait a minute.
15:49This woman's going to enter our subconscious.
15:51We're not even allowed in there.
15:55I'm going to count from ten backwards.
15:57Just go with it, Herm.
15:58It may not work.
15:59Ten, nine, eight, seven.
16:05Now, I want you to describe for me the room where you'll be performing tomorrow.
16:08There's a vibrating bed and angled mirrors on the ceiling.
16:13I'm talking to Herman.
16:15All right.
16:17It's a big conference room with lots of chairs.
16:21I'll be standing behind a podium.
16:23Don't think of it as a podium.
16:25Think of it as a shield.
16:27It's a source of confidence.
16:29Standing behind that podium, you will be in complete control.
16:32Do you understand?
16:34Podium.
16:35Shield.
16:37Confidence.
16:38Podium.
16:40Shield.
16:41Condiments.
16:43Confidence.
16:45Okay.
16:46Now I'm going to bring you back from your sleep and the suggestion will be planted in your subconscious.
16:51What just happened?
16:53I feel different.
16:54Hey, look.
16:55It worked.
17:01So, Herman, are you still worried about your presentation?
17:03You know what?
17:04I don't think I am.
17:05This is incredible.
17:06I don't know how to thank you.
17:08Well, this is where I come in.
17:10Bottle of wine, little futon fandango.
17:12We'll call it even.
17:15Here is my handle.
17:17Here is my spatula.
17:18Here is my spatula.
17:21Come on.
17:34You're Troy Michaels.
17:35Aren't you?
17:35Gold Crowd Publishing?
17:37Yes, I am.
17:38Wow.
17:39You're so strong and handsome.
17:41So young to be chairman of the board.
17:43I'm not chairman of the board.
17:45Then why are you bothering me?
17:47You want my father.
17:49He's over there.
17:51Wow, you're so strong and handsome.
17:57I said you're so strong and handsome.
18:01So how are you doing?
18:02Hey, hey, fine.
18:03I'm just trying to do what the hypnotist told me and fill my mind with positive thoughts.
18:07Fill your mind with that.
18:09I'd like to thank you all for coming.
18:11Now let's get down to business.
18:12I think it's imperative that I see you all naked.
18:14Starting with, oh, how about you?
18:21What are you doing?
18:23Positive thinking.
18:25Well, Herman, I'm looking forward to your speech.
18:28Maybe you and I could get together afterwards and go for a drink.
18:31Oh, I'd like that.
18:33You seem very relaxed.
18:34Yes, yes, I am.
18:37Nervous?
18:39Well, Sherman, you wouldn't have lasted two minutes in Korea with that attitude.
18:43I'll keep that in mind, sir.
18:44Well, let's go.
18:45Nervous?
18:46Don't do that.
18:48If you'll please take your seats, we'll get started.
18:51Robert?
18:51Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to apologize for last night.
18:54It was my fault.
18:56I promised you an inspirational and moving speech.
18:59I gave you a timid little boy.
19:03He'd had too many candy canes, he got a little jittery, and he tossed his cookies.
19:08Tonight, I give you a man, a virile, exciting man.
19:12I give you Sherman.
19:18Podium.
19:19Shield.
19:20Confidence.
19:21Today, I'd like to discuss the evolution of magazine research in the 90s.
19:26As you will see, research has evolved in line with technically...
19:32My shield.
19:35Now, let me get that out of the way for you.
19:37No, it's okay, Mr. Bracken.
19:38I'll just hold on to it.
19:39Herman, you look like an idiot.
19:40Now, give me that.
19:42It's my shield.
19:43Give me that.
19:46These are all out of order.
19:47I can't read this anymore.
19:49This is terrible.
19:51I say we run.
19:52All right, knock it off, both of you.
19:54You make me sick, you sniveling little panty waist.
19:57And you, you pompous windbag, quit looking at those cards.
20:01So we had a couple of mishaps speaking in front of people as a kid.
20:05Get over it!
20:05I got news for you.
20:07There's nothing to be scared of.
20:08We're embarrassing ourselves in front of a lot of people and in front of that woman that
20:12I want to do seven different ways.
20:16Pleasure six.
20:17I just thought of another.
20:18So, you're not going to give this speech.
20:20I will.
20:21All right?
20:21Let's go.
20:22Look, I got to tell you something.
20:24Speaking in front of people has always scared the hell out of me.
20:26But, you know what?
20:28Now that I think about it, I'd rather be up here giving this speech than down there listening
20:31to it.
20:34Hey, they like us.
20:36Of course they like us.
20:37I'm doing the talking, not you girls.
20:40Yeah, I'm out of jokes.
20:41We need some facts.
20:41You're on.
20:42Research technology has evolved from stacks of dusty reference books to interactive computers.
20:49Just a few short years ago, these things were closing.
20:51Let me just say, ask not what you can do for your research department, but what your research
20:57department can do for you.
21:00Oh.
21:03Well, I came back for this.
21:04That was one hell of a speech.
21:05Well, thank you.
21:06Sherman, what you said about research, that was beautiful.
21:12It's okay.
21:14We were hugging like men.
21:17Herman, congratulations.
21:19You did it.
21:19You conquered your fears.
21:20So did you, Louise.
21:21You're not kidding.
21:22It got pretty ugly in that restaurant with Mitch.
21:24He bored the culottes off me.
21:27I'm so sorry things didn't work out.
21:29When I think of all the time I spent stalking him, I could just kick myself.
21:32He didn't get my jokes.
21:33I didn't get his jokes.
21:34And I'm funny, aren't I, Herman?
21:37Well, anyway, I'm over it now.
21:39And I can start obsessing about that guy.
21:42Over there.
21:45Boy, this convention has been one big bust.
21:47What's the matter, Hedy?
21:48I saw you sitting with the chairman of the board.
21:50He wanted me to bathe him and change his diaper.
21:53It's gross.
21:56Should I have done it?
21:58Oh, I should have done it.
21:59Maybe I'm afraid of success.
22:03Great speech, Herman.
22:05You still up for that drink?
22:06Yeah, I could use it.
22:07How about some Gatorade?
22:08I lost a lot of fluids.
22:16When I get all steamed up, hear me shout.
22:19Tip me over and pour me out.
22:23One man, alone against a band of international terrorists
22:34in the world's biggest supermarket?
22:37Ben Stiller is Bruce Willis in Die Hard 12, Die Hungry.
22:43Catch an all-new Ben Stiller show at its new time, one half hour from now.
22:47An all-new Flying Blind is next.
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