- 21 hours ago
Jay pursues Louise. He may be in love. Heddy is performing poorly and Mr. Bracken tries to reform her.
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00:00This city is exciting, dangerous, troubled, that woman's not wearing underwear.
00:07Is that all you can think about? Food and sex?
00:11Yes. Please, focus.
00:14Look out!
00:21Hey, it's Jack!
00:24No time for small talk. We're late.
00:27Hey, hold the elevator.
00:29Heavy.
00:37I think Louise is so sweet.
00:40I think this woman is wearing underwear.
00:42I think there's too many people in this elevator.
00:45And I think you are all idiots.
00:47That's gonna work!
00:48Ooh, ooh!
00:50Ooh, ooh, ooh!
00:51Yeah!
00:52Ah, ah, ah, ah.
00:54游F
00:56LaVized Monday on Fox.
01:20It started with that researcher's dinner.
01:22Ever since then, Jay's been incredibly persistent.
01:25He won't take no for an answer.
01:26I know, Louise. He really wants to go out with you.
01:28Oh, come on. This is Jay Nichols we're talking about.
01:31The man goes through women like Rush Limbaugh goes through bacon.
01:35I am not about to be another Jay Nichols conquest, so tell him that for me, will you, Herman?
01:39Louise, don't get me in the middle of this.
01:41Whatever you have to tell him, you better tell him yourself.
01:43Oh, no can do. My therapist said I'm afraid of confrontation.
01:46I didn't agree, but I wasn't about to contradict her.
01:52Eddie, I am not happy.
01:53Well, of course you're not.
01:54You're trapped in a loveless marriage, and frankly, your best of yours are behind you.
01:59No, I'm talking about this article you checked.
02:02It's full of mistakes.
02:03Can you explain to me how it's possible that the average male has sexual intercourse ten times a day?
02:10Well, yes, I could, but I think you're depressed enough as it is.
02:17Hetty, your work has never been exemplary, but lately it's been getting worse and worse.
02:22You know how I hate to make excuses, but I thought you knew that I recently experienced a terrible loss.
02:29Oh, I'm sorry, Hetty, I didn't know. Was it someone very close?
02:32Worse. It was a loss of income. My rich boyfriend cut me off.
02:38I've had to start living on my salary.
02:44Hetty, you and I are going to have a serious talk over lunch.
02:50So does that mean I could take the morning off?
02:54I'll take that as a yes.
02:56Hey.
02:57Hey, Jane.
02:58Yeah, not now. Hey, Louise.
02:59Hi.
03:00I stopped by the grocery and got you a blueberry muffin.
03:03Oh, thanks. That's very sweet of you.
03:05So you want to go out tonight?
03:07Oh, I'm sorry, I can't. I have a doctor's appointment.
03:09I mean, I know it's nighttime, but it's a nighttime doctor's appointment.
03:13It's an all-night doctor's appointment.
03:15In fact, it's probably major surgery.
03:18Uh-huh.
03:18Well, can I meet you in the recovery room?
03:22I'll have to get back to you on that.
03:24Right.
03:28Tell him to leave me alone, Herman.
03:29Louise, you want Jay to leave you alone. You have to be forceful.
03:33Tell him to leave me alone!
03:36All right, Louise. I'll do you this one favor, and that's it.
03:43Jay, uh, wait up.
03:45Oh, excuse me. Could you tell me what the personnel office is?
03:48A personnel, uh, yeah, down the hall, third door on the left.
03:51Thanks.
03:52Sure.
03:53Where am I going wrong with Louise, Herm?
03:55Whoa, what happened there?
03:57That's not like Jay to ignore a beautiful woman.
04:00Perhaps we should review that.
04:01Let's go to the instant replay.
04:06The beautiful woman is standing here, but Jay is still focusing on Louise, who's off over here.
04:10The woman exits here, and Jay doesn't even notice.
04:12He just turns to us, standing over here, to ask us about Louise.
04:15Well, Jay must really be smitten with Louise.
04:18Well, let's go to the big guy who's on the sidelines.
04:21I can't believe he just ignored you like that. How do you feel?
04:24Well, confused. I mean, you'd think Jay would have noticed.
04:27I'm wearing this tight little dress that shows off my legs and my cleavage.
04:30I can't believe he just ignored you like that. How do you feel?
04:34You just asked me that.
04:35I know. I just want to hear you say cleavage again.
04:37Jay, what is going on with you?
04:42Herman, I don't know. You tell me.
04:43I'm having cereal in the morning. I'm picturing Louise sitting across the table having cereal, too.
04:48I'm watching TV at night. I flip around, wondering which show she's watching.
04:52I'm so nuts over this Louise thing, I'm walking around feeling sick to my stomach all day.
04:55Sounds like you're in love.
04:57No. You think so?
04:58Well, either that or you've been bitten by a deer tick.
05:01I tell you, I think I finally understand the depth of these profound words.
05:07Please don't tell my heart. My achy, breaky heart.
05:12I just don't think it'd understand.
05:15Well, that's one way of putting it.
05:16And if you tell my heart, my achy, breaky heart, it might blow up and kill this man.
05:22Okay, I get the point.
05:23Oh, you can tell my heart. My achy, breaky heart.
05:26This is so sweet. Why don't we convince Louise to go out with Jay?
05:32Oh, dear God, that's a horrible idea.
05:34Oh, come on. What's the worst that could happen?
05:36Worst that can happen? That's my department.
05:38Let's see. Falling on a 26-story building, bouncing off an awning, and landing headfirst in a sewer grating.
05:45Oh, no. If that happened to Jay and Louise, that would be tragic.
05:48No, no, no. If it happened to us, it would be tragic.
05:51If it happened to Jay and Louise, it'd be funny.
05:53That's the difference between comedy and tragedy.
05:59My achy, breaky heart.
06:03His achy, breaky heart.
06:07Louise, the guy is nuts about it.
06:09Well, what do you want me to do about it?
06:11I'm just saying, I think you should give him a chance. I mean, look at him.
06:18He is kind of cute.
06:19Exactly, and he's totally flipped for you. He walks around all day and gets nauseous just thinking about you.
06:25What are you saying?
06:26You make him sick to his stomach.
06:29All right, you've piqued my interest. Keep talking.
06:32Sorry, I'm late.
06:34Eddie, you spent the morning shopping?
06:36Well, I had to. It was my last chance to get in on the sale.
06:39This is not good.
06:41You were telling me I never used to buy on sale.
06:43Oh, this living on salary thing is just full of unpleasantness.
06:49Eddie, for the past three years, you have been a bad employee.
06:53I've been trying to figure out what I should do about it.
06:55Well, have you considered involving me in some sort of profit participation?
07:00I considered firing you.
07:02What?
07:03But I hired you, and by God, I don't make a mistake.
07:06So I decided to make a researcher out of you.
07:09It's going to be tough. It's going to be grueling.
07:11It's going to be boring as hell.
07:12But you are going to love it.
07:14We'll start this afternoon.
07:17Jay's got a lot of great qualities.
07:19He's fun to be with.
07:20He's got a great sense of humor.
07:22He's built like a Greek god.
07:24Well, yeah, but I mean, women don't just like a guy who's muscular.
07:30I mean, they like a guy who's lanky and charming just as well, right?
07:34Nope.
07:35Got to have muscles.
07:36Big, rippling muscles.
07:39Whatever.
07:40The point is, I think Jay's really sincere.
07:44I don't, Herman.
07:45What if this is all an act?
07:47What if there's not really a new Jay?
07:49I mean, I bought it when Clinton said he was a new Democrat.
07:51Look how that turned out.
07:54Before you make any decisions, you have to consider all your options.
07:58Well, there's always Ross Perot.
08:01I'm not talking about the election, Louise.
08:03I'm talking about dating.
08:04So am I.
08:04I think Ross and I would make a dashing couple.
08:08Louise, you're avoiding the issue.
08:09I know, Herman.
08:11I don't want to get hurt, all right?
08:13Cards on the table.
08:14Do you personally vouch for the fact that Jay will be different,
08:16that he won't be a pig like he used to be?
08:19All right, Louise.
08:20I'll personally vouch for him.
08:22I trust you, Herman.
08:24I guess one date couldn't hurt any.
08:27Great.
08:27Jay!
08:30Louise said yes.
08:31Really?
08:32Oh, that's great.
08:33That's great, Louise.
08:34Thanks, Herman.
08:35Hey, no sweat.
08:36Well, he doesn't feel that muscular.
08:39Well, of course.
08:40That's his wrist.
08:41But you should see his pecs.
08:43They're huge.
08:44I don't know.
08:45When you build up your pecs like that, it looks overdeveloped.
08:47It almost looks like he got...
08:48What?
08:50What, cleavage?
08:53So not, doesn't seem quite right when he said it.
08:57What, cleavage?
08:59Yeah, that's it.
09:00Good morning, Herman.
09:09And isn't it a beautiful, glorious morning this morning?
09:11So, I take it you had another date with Jay.
09:17What can I say?
09:18You were right.
09:18It's been the best two weeks of my life.
09:21Jay's been fun and charming and a perfect gentleman.
09:24And God, what a hunk of beefcake.
09:26Hey, hey, speaking of beefcake, feel this.
09:29Ooh, nice fabric.
09:31Not the suit, Louise.
09:36The muscle.
09:36I'm trying to get you to tell me if you can tell I've been working out.
09:38I know, and I'm trying to avoid telling you you have arms like pipe cleaners.
09:43Try harder.
09:45I'm sorry, Herman.
09:46I'm so happy, and I owe it all to you.
09:48Who would have thought I'd feel this way about Jay Nichols?
09:51Who would have thought that he would be the one?
09:54The one?
09:55Jay doesn't know it yet.
09:56But tonight, I'm going to give him the gift of me.
10:01I don't approve of this.
10:04Louise is a virgin.
10:06Excuse me, but we are hardly in a position to be preaching abstinence,
10:10having slept with...
10:12Where's the book?
10:13The book.
10:15The book.
10:16Having slept with all these women.
10:20Hey, remember her?
10:21She was hot.
10:22But she was sweet.
10:23Well, we should have put them together.
10:25We'd have a nice Chinese sauce.
10:28Yes, but an hour later, we'd be horny again.
10:31I'm sorry.
10:37Hey, wait a minute.
10:39This is a picture of us sitting alone in our apartment.
10:41What's that doing in our sex album?
10:44What do you three do when I go to bed early?
10:47Nothing, Louise.
10:48No.
10:49You sure about this, Louise?
10:54I've never been more sure of anything in my life, Herman.
10:57Hey, Wheezy.
10:58Hey, J-Bo.
11:00Hey, what's with the big mystery date tonight, huh?
11:02What are we doing?
11:03Uh-uh-uh.
11:04It's a surprise.
11:05You'll find out soon enough.
11:06Hmm.
11:09So, J-Bo?
11:13You and Louise seem very happy.
11:16Two weeks with only one woman.
11:17That's got to be a Jay Nichols record.
11:19Yeah, yeah.
11:20Well, it's something like that.
11:22Anyway, I got to get going.
11:25Hey, what happened there?
11:26Let's check out the instant replay.
11:28Yeah.
11:29Yeah.
11:30Well, something like that.
11:32Anyway, I got to get going.
11:33Okay, let's freeze it right there.
11:35See, his eyes aren't meeting ours, and then he makes an excuse to head over here.
11:39All when we mentioned his seeing only one woman.
11:41Wait a minute.
11:42Isn't that the girl from before?
11:43Zoom in.
11:45Zoom out.
11:47In.
11:48Out.
11:48In.
11:49Out.
11:51Hey, I'm finished.
11:57Jay.
11:58Jay, what's going on?
12:00What do you mean?
12:00I mean, I made a comment about you seeing only one woman, and you got very weird.
12:03Who are you, my mother?
12:05No, I'm your friend.
12:06The one that you promised you wanted Louise and only Louise.
12:09Well, when I made that promise, I did want Louise and only Louise.
12:13Last night around 1130, I wanted Cindy and only Cindy.
12:18You slept with another woman?
12:21Yeah, kind of.
12:21How could you sleep with another woman?
12:33Well, you've been there.
12:34You know how it is.
12:35This chick, Cindy, was hot, and she was coming on to me, and I was horny.
12:39Wow.
12:43He's got an airtight excuse.
12:47Do you have any idea what this is going to do to Louise?
12:50It's not going to do anything to her, because she's not going to find out.
12:52So is this going to happen again?
12:53I don't know, Herm.
12:54This time yesterday, I didn't know what was going to happen last night.
12:57You know, you really have no right to criticize.
12:58It's not like you never cheated on anyone.
13:00Hey, this isn't about me.
13:01Yeah, it isn't.
13:02So just mind your own business, okay?
13:04Now, Hedy, you have to cross-reference that.
13:09Okay, okay.
13:10And did you check that quote?
13:12Well, I tried, Mr. Bracken, but, you know, as you predicted, I got bored.
13:18Hedy, I'm beginning to think you're just not cut out for this.
13:21What are you saying?
13:23Maybe it's time you look for another line of work.
13:27There's no point in you finishing out the day.
13:29You can leave now.
13:34Hedy?
13:38Well, I have nowhere else to go.
13:40I have nothing else.
13:44I know that I'm not very good at this, but it's the only job that I've ever had.
13:49Well, since that place with the bikini dancing shut down.
13:54Please, Mr. Bracken.
13:57Okay, Hedy, but you've got to try harder.
13:59I am trying.
14:00I really am.
14:01It just doesn't come easy for me.
14:03Well, Hedy, have you ever tried mnemonic devices?
14:07Mr. Bracken, there are some things that even I won't do.
14:12Mnemonic devices, memory tricks.
14:15For example, now here's a mention of the square mileage of Oklahoma.
14:19Now, I know it's 69,919.
14:22But how?
14:23Well, I just remember that Oklahoma opened at the St. James Theater on March 31st, 1943.
14:29I multiply 31 times 212, the number of performances that ran on Broadway.
14:34Then I add 1,347, giving me 69,919 square mileage of Oklahoma.
14:41Wait a minute.
14:44Where did you get the 1,347 that you added?
14:47Oh, that's the number of times my wife has asked me not to criticize her in front of her friends.
14:52You keep track of how many times she's told you that?
14:55Oh, I have to.
14:57She is constantly asking me, how many times have I told you not to criticize me in front of my friends?
15:02Well, I'm not about to let her stomp me on an easy one like that.
15:16There sits Louise, ready to have her heart broken by the monster she still foolishly trusts.
15:22What happens next?
15:23We go over to her and pull her chair out from underneath her.
15:27Why would we do that?
15:29Because it's funny!
15:32Haven't I taught you anything?
15:35Louise, can I join you?
15:36Join me?
15:37You hooked me up with Jay.
15:38I should buy you lunch.
15:40You know, I've been thinking, you've saved yourself for this long because you wanted to be sure it was right.
15:44Why not wait a couple more weeks?
15:46I know what this is about.
15:48Your two best friends start dating and you feel excluded and left out.
15:51No, no, that's not it at all.
15:52Hey, Mom.
15:53Hey, Louise.
15:54Jay Bo, oh, bad news.
15:56Just as I feared, Herman's upset that you and I are seeing each other.
16:01Izzy.
16:01Yes, Jay Bo.
16:04I think Wheezy may be making a mistake.
16:07No, Hermo.
16:08I think you're the one who's making a mistake.
16:10Jay's right, Herman.
16:11It really is none of your business.
16:13Come on, Jay.
16:14Let's go.
16:16Louise, you're making a mistake.
16:18Would you stop?
16:18You're the one making a mistake.
16:21Mistakes?
16:21You've made mistakes?
16:22Oh, no.
16:23Don't worry, Mr. Bracken.
16:24It's not research.
16:25It's just a crisis in my personal life.
16:28Oh, wonderful.
16:29Keep up the good work.
16:39Well, thanks for dinner.
16:41Gee, if I knew you were paying, I, uh, I would have got soup.
16:45Well, maybe next time.
16:46Yeah.
16:46Oh, hey, this is it, huh?
16:47Well, finally, I get to see your place.
16:50Yep, this is it.
16:51Yeah.
16:52Yeah, you mentioned you, uh, had a little surprise for me.
16:56Gee, there's not much room to hide it here, is there?
16:58Well, maybe it's right under your nose.
17:08No, really.
17:09Where is it?
17:11I have to go to the bathroom to get it ready.
17:13Oh, the bathroom.
17:13I should have known it was in the bathroom.
17:15Oh, come on.
17:15What is it?
17:16You'll see.
17:17Is it a Laserdisc player?
17:19New skis.
17:20Is it new skis?
17:21Because I mentioned I needed new skis, but I really wasn't hinting or anything.
17:25No, Jay, it's neither of those.
17:28Oh.
17:29Well, that's okay.
17:30I'm sure whatever it is will be fine.
17:32Well, what are you doing in there anyway?
17:34You're wrapping it?
17:34You could say that.
17:38I know what it is, Louise.
17:39I know what it is.
17:41It's rollerblades, right?
17:43You devil.
17:44You knew I've been wanting a pair of those.
17:48No, Jay.
17:51It's not rollerblades.
17:59Oh.
18:02So what is it?
18:06It's me, Jay.
18:08It's me.
18:11Tonight, I give myself to you as I have waited all my life to give myself to that one special man on that one special night.
18:21So, aren't you going to unwrap your present?
18:30Okay.
18:30Ahem.
18:36Boy.
18:37Boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, boy.
18:41I think it's been ten years since I've slept with a virgin.
18:45Ah, well, things are different now.
18:46There are all kinds of forms to fill out.
18:51Okay.
18:51Okay.
18:52Jay.
18:54I'm kidding.
18:56God, you're so tense.
18:58Are you really disappointed you didn't get rollerblades?
19:00Well, yeah, but no.
19:04That's not it.
19:05I'm just, I have a lot of stuff on my mind.
19:06It's nothing, really.
19:07Come here.
19:08Come here.
19:09Hmm.
19:09Oh, I can't do this.
19:16I care about you too much to do this.
19:19Oh, no, Jay, it's okay.
19:20I know that the first time is going to be really, really disappointing.
19:25Louise.
19:26Louise, I got to tell you something.
19:28Um, oh, uh, last night I met a woman and, um, she was coming on to me and one thing led
19:37to another and, uh, I slept with her.
19:44Get out.
19:45Louise, I'm really sorry.
19:46No, just get out.
19:47Oh, Louise.
19:48Get out.
19:49All right.
19:50I guess I probably should.
19:53For what it's worth, Louise, I think I probably love you.
19:58Then why, Jay?
20:01Why last night?
20:02Louise, I don't know.
20:03I think maybe I'm scared.
20:06Of what?
20:07Look, I know you're not going to believe this, but I've been in love once before this.
20:11She stood me up at the altar.
20:13Since then, I haven't let anybody get the chance to hurt me that way.
20:16Until now.
20:18You could hurt me, Louise.
20:21So you hurt me first?
20:23Um, I really wish I hadn't.
20:26Me too.
20:28Um, you think you'll ever be able to forgive me?
20:37I don't know.
20:39It's going to take some time.
20:42I know that I don't want to lose you.
20:45And the fact that you didn't have to tell me, but you chose to tell me, well, that says something.
20:49Well, do you mean it?
20:52You don't want to lose me?
20:55Do you mean it that you think you might love me?
20:57Yeah, I do.
21:01Then yes, I do.
21:06Uh, well, gee, I guess, uh, any chance of getting that surprise is kind of right out the window now.
21:15Yeah.
21:17Yeah.
21:18But I will let you watch while I dance erotically.
21:20Okay.
21:25Jay is kidding.
21:28But if you really want me to.
21:30Well, yeah, if it's not too much trouble.
21:31Open up, it's me, Herman, Louise, you're making a huge mistake.
21:36Come on, open up and let me in.
21:37Herman, go away, everything's fine.
21:39Louise, I didn't want to have to tell you this, but Jay spent last night with another woman.
21:43You knew that and you didn't tell me?
21:45Well, that's why I came here to tell you.
21:46What are you doing?
21:47What are you doing?
21:48Telling her that.
21:49What if I hadn't already told her?
21:50You told her?
21:51You're a horrible friend, Herman.
21:52I could kill you for this.
21:53I'm not going to forget this.
21:55When are you going to learn to just mind your own business?
21:59Well, maybe when you guys stop dragging me into the middle of yours.
22:03I just did what you asked me.
22:04I stuck my neck out for you.
22:05And for what?
22:06I mean, I had plans tonight, but I dropped them to make sure that everything was all right with you.
22:10And this is the thanks I get.
22:12Well, thanks for nothing.
22:15Well, that took less time than I thought.
22:17We can still catch that movie.
22:18Great.
22:23Night in Time, Tuesday.
22:27Boy, I was really concerned there for a while, but now it looks like...
22:30Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
22:31What the hell's that?
22:34I don't know.
22:36Thank God you see it, too.
22:37I've been seeing that for weeks.
22:38I thought it was just me.
22:40Come on, let's clean it off.
22:48I bet gangs did this.
22:51Come on.
22:53I need whiteout.
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