- 4 weeks ago
Herman fixes Louise up with a guy from work, then find out he's married.Herman fixes Louise up with a guy from work, then find out he's married.
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00:00That woman's not wearing underwear.
00:02Is that all you can think about? Food and sex?
00:06Yes. Please, focus.
00:08Look out!
00:16Hey, it's Jack!
00:19No time for small talk. We're late.
00:22Petty, hold the elevator.
00:24Petty.
00:30I think Louise is so sweet.
00:35I think this woman is wearing underwear.
00:37I think there's too many people in this elevator.
00:40And I think you are all idiots.
00:42That's gonna work!
01:00Research!
01:16Hey, Hetty, it's for you. It's some guy named Jerry.
01:19Jerry?
01:20Hello?
01:21Hello?
01:23Well, what do you mean? Of course I remember you. You're...
01:26Jerry.
01:27You're Jerry.
01:28You're the one who's well-endowed, right?
01:32They never argue with that.
01:34Huh?
01:35Munch?
01:36And Tiffany's, well, okay.
01:38But only because it's you...
01:40Jerry.
01:41Jerry.
01:42Herman, tell me something. Psychologically speaking, why would a guy continue to go out with Hetty knowing that she's gonna dump him as soon as she gets a better offer?
01:52Psychologically speaking, she puts out.
01:57It's just not fair. Virgins are people too. We can do everything non-virgins can do.
02:02Not everything.
02:03Sex is not the most important thing, Louise.
02:07It's not just sex.
02:08You're always dating, Hetty's always dating, Jay's always dating.
02:11The only thing I can count on is the fact that Mr. Brackett's life is more pathetic than mine.
02:16God, what a wonderful weekend.
02:22Did you meet someone, sir?
02:23It's just a matter of time. I've been going to a mature adult singles group.
02:28They call it a book club, but we know what that means.
02:33People reading books?
02:36No, it's just an excuse for the over-50 set to grease up and pair off.
02:42Oh, by the way, Mr. Waterton just gave me the job of throwing Al Paxton a retirement party.
02:48I'm giving that job to you.
02:49You want me to throw a party?
02:51I'm much too busy.
02:53I've got to catch up on my reading.
02:56Make it a good one.
02:58You can count on me, sir.
02:59Louise, I can't believe Mr. Brackett chose her to throw this party and not me.
03:02Cheer me up.
03:03Hetty, I'm having a personal crisis.
03:05My life is falling apart and I'm thinking of throwing myself off a bridge.
03:09Oh, thanks. That really did the trick.
03:14Hey, Herm.
03:15Hey.
03:16What's going on?
03:17Hey, big party Saturday night.
03:18Yeah, I heard about that.
03:19I'm going to take Barbara Rossetti.
03:20The editor from the lingerie magazine?
03:22She's the world's foremost authority on women's underwear, Herm.
03:25And I have so much to learn.
03:28Hey, maybe she's a friend for you.
03:30Please, Jay.
03:31I can get my own date.
03:32How hard can it be for someone to get a date?
03:37What, what, what?
03:40Nothing.
03:41Don't you nothing me.
03:42I know what you're thinking.
03:43You're thinking, aw, who's going to go out with the virgin?
03:45Well, I'll have you know, there are plenty of adult virgins who have active social lives.
03:50Oh, yeah. All those Star Trek conventions.
03:52Well, what can you do with me?
03:55I had a great time at a Star Trek convention.
03:58I met this green chick.
04:02She went into the back room and she beamed me up.
04:06She beamed me up. Good.
04:10Hey, Pinhead.
04:11How come we never joined a book club?
04:13Because you have to read.
04:15Give me a book.
04:17All right.
04:18A Tale of Two Cities.
04:20All right.
04:23Yeah.
04:24That.
04:26Was the.
04:30Best.
04:32Of.
04:33Whew.
04:34That's enough for today.
04:36Louise, you don't have to bring a date.
04:38You can go stag.
04:39Stag?
04:40I don't want to go stag.
04:41I'm tired of going stag.
04:42I've gone stag so many times I'm surprised I haven't been stuck and mounted.
04:48Herman Brooks.
04:49Yeah, it's me.
04:50John Mason from Waterton's office.
04:51Mr. Bracken asked me to give you this guest list for the party Saturday night.
04:54Oh.
04:55You're in over your head, Herman.
04:56Just jealous, Hetty.
04:57Not jealous.
04:58I just don't understand why you were chosen to do this over me when I'm so much prettier
05:02than you.
05:05Don't believe her, Herman.
05:06You're every bit as pretty as she is.
05:08Hey, thanks.
05:09You're kind of cute yourself.
05:10Yeah, but not as cute as you are.
05:12Can we stop this now?
05:13Yeah.
05:14It was amusing at first, but now it's making me uncomfortable.
05:17Anyway, good luck with the party, Herman.
05:19Thanks.
05:23John would be perfect for Louise.
05:25Don't even think about it.
05:27You're right.
05:28I don't want to get involved.
05:29Who cares about Louise?
05:30Her loneliness is her problem.
05:32You're trying to use reverse psychology on me.
05:35Well, it won't work.
05:37I am going to use reverse psychology on you.
05:40Let's help her.
05:41I'm dying to help her.
05:42I insist that we help her.
05:44Okay.
05:47Bitch.
05:49John, let me ask you something.
05:51Isn't this great?
05:52Three beers.
05:53Three friends.
05:54What's going on here, Herman?
05:55I think it's about time for all of us to hang out together.
05:56Oh, yeah.
05:57I love sitting here watching you two look at women.
05:58We're not here to look at women, are we, Jay?
06:00Jay.
06:01This is ridiculous.
06:02I'm leaving.
06:03Louise, we're sorry.
06:04Louise, Louise.
06:05We are here with you tonight.
06:06I gotta go.
06:07So, why did you insist on me coming down here anyway?
06:08You just looked a little down and I thought you might enjoy a night out.
06:09Herman.
06:10Sean, what are you doing here?
06:11I'm not here to look at women, are we, Jay?
06:12We're not here to look at women, are we, Jay?
06:13Jay.
06:14Oh.
06:15Oh.
06:16Oh.
06:17Oh.
06:18Oh.
06:19Oh.
06:20Oh.
06:21Oh.
06:22Oh.
06:23Oh.
06:24Oh.
06:25Oh.
06:26Oh.
06:27Oh.
06:28Oh.
06:29Oh.
06:30Oh.
06:31Oh.
06:32Oh.
06:33Oh.
06:34Oh.
06:35Oh.
06:36You asked me to come down.
06:39Of course.
06:40John, I'd like you to meet a friend of mine, Louise Fitzger.
06:42Louise, John Mason.
06:44Herman, I wanna talk to you.
06:46You know how much I hate fix ups.
06:48They make me crazy.
06:49Come on, they make everyone crazy.
06:51No, Herman, I'm talking dress up like your mother and wield an axe crazy.
06:56You just asked him here to meet me for a drink?
06:58He has no idea it was a set up.
06:59Give it a chance.
07:00He's not gonna wanna go out with me, Herman.
07:03Louise, I'm sorry.
07:04That was rude in me to walk away from you like that.
07:06From now on, I promise, I'm only gonna do it one more time.
07:12Come on, Louise.
07:13Just say hello.
07:14No.
07:15What?
07:16It's so terrible.
07:17I'll tell you what's so terrible.
07:18There'll be some mindless chatter.
07:19He'll call me cute and then he'll never call me again.
07:23Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
07:24If you want something, go out and get it.
07:26My grandmother used to say, if you wanna find slugs, you gotta turn over some rocks.
07:35What did she mean by that?
07:38I don't know.
07:39I'm not even sure that's what she was saying.
07:40She never wore her teeth.
07:43Come on, let's go.
07:46John, have you met Louise?
07:48Well, yes.
07:49Hi, Louise.
07:50I think he likes her.
07:51He just met her.
07:52Hey, keep it down.
07:53I'm trying to plan a party.
07:54What are we doing worrying about a party in Louise when somewhere in the city there's
07:57a book club meeting going on?
08:01Can't you understand I wanna do something for someone else?
08:03Well, I wanna do something to someone else.
08:06Or on somebody else.
08:07Or under somebody else.
08:09Or, or alone, but with a picture of somebody else.
08:14You're in a rather foul mood.
08:16Well, somebody mess with my bookmark.
08:19I don't know what word I was on.
08:20All the way back to the beginning of this sentence.
08:26Yeah.
08:27It!
08:29It was the...
08:30Now!
08:31Nobody touch this!
08:34How are you, Louise?
08:35Is that a polite, how are you, requiring a polite, I'm fine answer?
08:38Or is that a real, how are you, which would mean you want me to spill my guts about my empty and horrible life?
08:44Polite?
08:45I'm fine, thank you.
08:46Hey Bill, you're very cute.
08:50No, no.
08:52Yes, I'm the goddess of cute.
08:53The queen of cute.
08:54In fact, I'm thinking of changing my name from Louise to something more appropriate like snuggle it.
09:01What did I ever do to you?
09:02Nothing, and you're not gonna get the chance either.
09:04John, she's been a little upset lately.
09:08Look, I'll go talk to her.
09:09No!
09:10I'll go talk to her.
09:12Get lost!
09:13All I said was cute.
09:15And all I said was get lost!
09:17Oh no, don't walk away from me.
09:20Hey, how's it going, pal?
09:22Terrible.
09:23What, what is it?
09:24I really don't want to talk about it.
09:26Whoa, someone's gonna be bothering you, huh?
09:28Not now, Jay.
09:29Come on, man, I'm your friend, you can talk to me.
09:31Well, look, I set up Louise with this guy, Mason, from Mr. Waterton's office, and...
09:39Go, Jay.
09:46Ramo, I gotta talk to you.
09:47I cannot believe what I got myself into.
09:49This party is impossible.
09:51Well, Hetty knows a lot of party people. Maybe she can help you out.
09:53Never.
09:54Herman, how's the party coming?
09:56Bash of the year, sir.
09:58Good. Book Club is having a meeting Saturday afternoon.
10:00I'll be bringing the foxiest lady there.
10:03I want to impress her.
10:05Great.
10:07I'm dead, Jay.
10:09I can't find a caterer, and I can't find a place.
10:11Well, what about McAnally's?
10:13Yeah, McAnally's.
10:14That'll add a touch of class.
10:15Beer and boiled meat.
10:17What choice do you have?
10:19Let's go ask.
10:20Hi.
10:21Did you say you had to talk to me?
10:22Oh, yeah.
10:23It's about that guy you set Louise up with.
10:25Boy, was that a big mistake?
10:26They hated each other.
10:28I really thought she'd like him.
10:29He seemed like a pretty good guy.
10:31Well, I got news for you, Herm.
10:32I just spoke to somebody he works with.
10:34He's married.
10:35Married?
10:36Oh.
10:37Do me a favor.
10:38Don't say anything to Louise.
10:39If she thinks I fixed her up with a married man, she'll kill me.
10:41Thank God they didn't hit it off.
10:43Thank you for the ride.
10:44I'll talk to you later.
10:45Hello, Herman.
10:46Hello, Jay.
10:47Louise?
10:48You slut.
10:49Welcome to the club.
10:50Let me guess.
10:51Inappropriate?
10:52Oh, my God.
10:53This is terrible.
10:54Look, do me a favor.
10:55Call McAnally.
10:56Call McAnally.
10:57I'll do it.
10:58I'll do it.
10:59I'll do it.
11:00I'll do it.
11:01I'll do it.
11:02I'll do it.
11:03I'll do it.
11:04I'll do it.
11:05I'll do it.
11:06I'll do it.
11:07I'll do it.
11:08I'll do it.
11:09I'll do it.
11:10I'll do it.
11:11I'll do it.
11:12Call McAnally's and see if Saturday night's available.
11:14Sure.
11:17Louise?
11:18I don't want to talk about it, Herman.
11:20Louise, you know I care for you and I wouldn't do anything to hurt you.
11:23So you're gonna hurt me, huh, Herman?
11:24How bad?
11:25Real bad.
11:26Take your best shot.
11:27John is married.
11:28Good shot.
11:29But I already knew that.
11:31I thought you were gonna tell me something serious like,
11:33my dentist has been biting my shoes while I'm under anesthesia.
11:37I don't think I could go through that again.
11:39Really?
11:40Louise, the guy's married.
11:42I know, Herman.
11:43He told me.
11:44But you hated each other.
11:45Yes, well, he saw that I was upset and he stayed and talked with me.
11:49He was very sweet.
11:50Oh, really?
11:51Herman, it was just a kiss.
11:53We're just good friends.
11:54Good friends do not exchange saliva on public elevators.
11:59I don't know how that happened.
12:01We were all alone in the elevator.
12:03I looked into his eyes, he looked into mine,
12:06and suddenly my mouth had two tongues and his didn't have any.
12:09So what are you gonna do?
12:14Okay, what's going on?
12:15I wanna know.
12:16Nothing is going on.
12:17Oh, Herman, don't worry.
12:18It's no big deal.
12:19Hetty, I was just telling Herman how I've become friends with a man who is married.
12:23Oh, married men.
12:24After sex, they bolt right out the door.
12:26They never call.
12:27They spend all their holidays with their family,
12:29and on top of it all, they think they can buy our forgiveness with gifts.
12:32They're the best!
12:34I wonder if you should get a new perspective on this,
12:37and not see this guy.
12:40Herman, lighten up.
12:41It was just a kiss.
12:43One hell of a kiss, but it's just a kiss.
12:46Louise!
12:47Herman, Mackinale is on the phone for you.
12:49Hey, Mack.
12:50Mack, is your place available this Saturday night?
12:52Good, good.
12:53What are your thoughts for a menu?
12:55Mm-hmm.
12:56And people really eat that part of the cow?
13:00Um, okay.
13:01Great.
13:02Bye.
13:05How's the party?
13:06Hello.
13:07Mackinale is just taking care of us.
13:08They're gonna do a whole Celtic thing.
13:10It's gonna be great.
13:11It's...
13:12What exactly is haggis?
13:14Haggis is a calf's heart and lungs,
13:17ground up and boiled in its own stomach.
13:20Hmm.
13:21Well, if it's prepared properly,
13:23and they serve it with the right sauce,
13:24it could be quite...
13:27For God's sake, help me, Hetty.
13:35Yo, Earl.
13:36So, is everything set for the party here tomorrow?
13:38Oh, yeah.
13:39It's gonna be quite an event.
13:40Oh, you sound pretty confident.
13:41Hey.
13:42A man wanted a party, and I came through.
13:44Kissed Hetty's butt, huh?
13:46Until my lips were chapped.
13:50How long have they been hiding back there?
13:52Oh, a couple hours.
13:53They've been hanging around each other all week.
13:55I've gotta talk to her.
13:59Louise.
14:00Hi.
14:01How's your friendship going?
14:03It's over.
14:04You were right and I was wrong.
14:06You can't get emotionally involved with someone
14:08and not expect raging hormones to come into the picture.
14:10You're not gonna see him anymore?
14:12No.
14:13I'm gonna sleep with him.
14:14I thought you were gonna save yourself from marriage.
14:18I am.
14:19I just didn't say whose.
14:20This is turning out very badly.
14:24She's about to embark on a cheap, dirty, tawdry affair.
14:27Not bad for a beginner.
14:28I hardly know this guy, Louise.
14:29It feels right.
14:30And when something feels this right, you don't need that much time.
14:31You just know it.
14:32Well, can't you find someone who's not married?
14:33I don't wanna find just someone.
14:34I want John.
14:35And he said he's gonna get out of his marriage.
14:36He promised.
14:37Louise.
14:38No, Herman.
14:39No, Herman.
14:40All my life, I've had this image of this guy I've been waiting for.
14:41And I started to think that maybe he wasn't gonna come along.
14:42Herman, John is that guy.
14:43And I'm afraid that if I let him go, I'll never find him again.
14:45Please, please.
14:46This is where I really need you to be there for me.
14:47Of course, I'll be there for you.
14:48If you need to do it.
14:49You need to do it.
14:50You need to do it.
14:51Well, can't you find someone who's not married?
14:52Well, can't you find someone who's not married?
14:53I don't wanna find just someone.
14:54I want John.
14:55And he said he's gonna get out of his marriage.
14:56He promised.
14:57Louise.
14:58No, Herman.
14:59That if I let him go, I'll never find him again.
15:01Please, please.
15:02This is where I really need you to be there for me.
15:05Of course, I'll be there for you.
15:07If you need to talk or someone to hug.
15:09I have John for the talking and the hugging.
15:12I need you to take me to the party on Saturday night.
15:14What?
15:15I'm gonna be your guest for the evening.
15:17Then I'll get a headache and I'll have to go home.
15:19And John will say he has to leave and...
15:22And what?
15:23And I will give myself to the man I love.
15:27Louise, don't make me a part of this.
15:28Please.
15:31I'm sorry. No.
15:40Hi, Louise.
15:41Hello, Herman.
15:42How do I look?
15:43You look beautiful.
15:44Thank you for being here with me.
15:45I am not here with you.
15:47I am just here near you.
15:49Herman, please.
15:50I really need your help.
15:51I'm sorry, Louise.
15:52I can't do this for you.
15:54Alright, fine.
15:55I'll do it by myself.
15:56And now if you'll excuse me,
15:57I have to go to the ladies room and freshen up before John gets here.
16:00Louise, I hope you know what you're doing.
16:02Yes, I've been to the ladies room a number of times.
16:08Mr. Bracken, how did your book club meeting go?
16:10It was a disappointment.
16:11Hmm.
16:12Not what you expected, huh?
16:13Oh, it was exactly what I expected.
16:15Everybody was greased up and paired off.
16:18Sounds great.
16:19What happened?
16:20I paired off with Mrs. Gillespie here.
16:21I thought you were going to bring the foxiest one there.
16:23I did.
16:24I'm going to try and lose her at the buffet table.
16:25Uh, Herman, what's with the rabbis?
16:42Excuse me, Mr. Bracken.
16:43Hey, what is going on?
16:44Looks like a bar mitzvah.
16:45I didn't know that.
16:46This is supposed to be a business party.
16:47Business.
16:48I had a party planned.
16:49Oh, it was fabulous.
16:50Everyone would have had an elegant and exciting evening.
16:51But then I thought about it and I realized you would have gotten all the credit.
16:52And that made me very sad.
16:53So, I decided to screw you over.
16:54And that made me happy.
16:55I hope you'll understand.
16:56Herman?
16:57You want to tell me where you got the idea for this party?
16:58Hitler on the roof?
16:59Mr. Bracken, Mr. Watson, would like to see you.
17:00I think it's about the party.
17:01I think it's about the party.
17:02Oh, thank you.
17:03I don't know.
17:04I think it was fabulous.
17:05I think it was fabulous.
17:06Everyone would have had an elegant and exciting evening.
17:07But then I thought about it and I realized you would have gotten all the credit.
17:09And that made me very sad.
17:10So, I decided to screw you over.
17:12And that made me happy.
17:13I hope you understand.
17:14Herman?
17:15You want to tell me where you got the idea for this party?
17:19Hitler on the roof?
17:21Mr. Bracken, Mr. Wachtman would like to see you.
17:24I think it's about the party.
17:26You better have a very good explanation for this.
17:32Herman, this is going to be the most wonderful night of my life.
17:37There he is.
17:38He's so handsome.
17:40Are you sure you want to do this, Louise?
17:42Yes, Herman.
17:43I'm going to bump into him somewhere around the chopped liver.
17:45Now, waltz me over to the kugel.
17:47No, I am not waltzing you over to the kugel.
17:49All right, then at least waltz me as far as the corned beef.
17:54Oh, my God, he's with another woman.
17:57Louise, I hate to tell you this, but you're the other woman.
18:00Herman, you've got to get me out of here quick.
18:01Let's go.
18:04Hey, Hermo.
18:05Nice party.
18:07Very, uh, Hebraic.
18:10Thanks, Jay.
18:11Listen, we have to leave.
18:15Sorry, John.
18:16No, it's okay.
18:18Uh, Diane.
18:20Um, this is Herman Brooks from Research.
18:23Hi.
18:23And, uh...
18:25Louise, mister.
18:27From the elevator.
18:29Nice to meet you.
18:31Yes, it is.
18:33I'm sorry, guys.
18:35I've been really stressed out, but I'm back.
18:37What's the problem?
18:37Okay, here it is.
18:39The party's a mess.
18:39Our career is over.
18:40Mr. Bracken's career is over.
18:42We've ruined Louise's life.
18:44And Mrs. Gillespie is serving the band pork.
18:50Listen, I feel like my head's exploding.
18:51We're going to sit down for a while.
18:53It was nice meeting you.
18:54Oh, do you mind if we join you?
18:55Honey, I...
18:56Oh, I had a long day, too, sweetheart.
18:58And I really don't feel like doing a circle dance right now.
19:02That is a beautiful dress.
19:05I haven't worn something like that since the baby was born.
19:09Did I tell anybody that I was getting a hair transplant?
19:12But you have so much hair.
19:17Yes, I do.
19:19But not on my back.
19:23Herman, Mr. Waterton wants both of us right now.
19:26Oh, God.
19:27Is he really mad?
19:28Mad?
19:28This is the first time someone's done something original.
19:31Now he wants us to carry him around in a chair.
19:35Let's go.
19:36Herman, don't leave me.
19:37Mr. Bracken, I...
19:38Herman, that wasn't my asking voice.
19:40That was my telling voice.
19:42You, too.
19:43He'll be right back.
19:47So tell me, how long have you been seeing him?
19:51Seeing him?
19:52I...
19:52I don't hardly know him.
19:53I mean, it was...
19:54Nothing, we're just friends.
19:55You're in the elevator once.
19:56Can't I'm a virgin?
19:59It's nice of Herman to respect that.
20:05Oh, Herman.
20:07Yes, Herman.
20:08He's a very nice man.
20:10We just started dating.
20:11This is only our third date.
20:13But oddly enough, it's our second bar mitzvah.
20:17I remember when John and I first started dating.
20:20It was wonderful.
20:21It still is.
20:24Is something wrong?
20:25I'm so sorry.
20:26I don't feel very well.
20:28Would you please excuse me?
20:31Herman, hurry up and finish your dance.
20:33I want to go home.
20:34Louise, I am so sorry.
20:38John.
20:38She insisted on coming.
20:40I tell you what.
20:41Thursday night, we'll take off a little early.
20:44And from 4 to 7.30, the whole world is going to disappear.
20:48It'll be just the two of us.
20:49That's it?
20:50That's what I have to look forward to?
20:52Three and a half hours on Thursday?
20:54Not good enough.
20:56I'm not going to give you my heart and my soul only to get you checking your watch after it's over.
21:01You've got to give me time.
21:02To do what?
21:03To break that woman's heart?
21:05John, she's under the impression that you're a happily married man.
21:09I'm going to take care of that.
21:10What are you going to do?
21:11Bump her off?
21:11Oh, my God.
21:13You're not going to bump her off, are you?
21:15Louise, be reasonable.
21:17I am being reasonable.
21:18Leave me alone and go back to your wife.
21:20Louise.
21:21John.
21:22Goodbye.
21:26Oh, Herman.
21:27Why didn't you stop me?
21:29I tried.
21:30You didn't want to listen.
21:31I was lonely.
21:33You do stupid things when you're lonely.
21:35Oh, you'll see, Louise.
21:37Someday the right guy will come along.
21:39I promise.
21:40Do you think so?
21:42Absolutely.
21:46Thank you, Herman.
21:54She's gone, Herman.
21:56Who?
21:57Mrs. Gillespie.
21:58She left with Mr. Waterton.
22:01And darn it, I'm going to miss her, the little vixen.
22:05Only one thing you can do, sir.
22:10Absolutely right, Herman.
22:15And in 30 minutes, see the show Time Magazine calls Hilarious, one of television's ten best.
22:21The Ben Stiller Show.
22:24Now, stay tuned for Flying Blind, next.
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