- 1 day ago
Herman is rejected for another writing job. He goes to the roof and finds Bob looking to jump. Heddy and Jay get stuck in the elevator.
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00:00Herman, you getting your call from Mr. Bentley yet?
00:03Oh, not yet, sir. He said he was going to read my stuff and give me a call by the end of the day.
00:07Well, don't worry about it. My sources tell me you're a shoo-in for the job.
00:11I'm happy for you, Herman, but I'm going to miss you when you're a big-time writer.
00:14But I'm sure you're going to miss us, too, right?
00:17Wrong. Once we're out of here, these people are no use to us.
00:22Aren't you being a little callous? These people are our friends.
00:25She's right. I'm going to miss Hetty.
00:27Who wouldn't miss that golden blonde hair, those proud, heaving breasts, and a nice, tight butt?
00:35But then again, I'm the sentimental one.
00:39Actually, I am feeling a little sentimental now.
00:44This city is exciting.
00:47Dangerous.
00:48Troubled.
00:50That woman's not wearing underwear.
00:52Is that all you can think about? Food and sex?
00:56Yes.
00:57Please, focus.
00:58Look out!
01:06Face check!
01:09No time for small talk. We're late.
01:12Hetty, hold the elevator.
01:14Hetty!
01:15I think Louise is so sweet.
01:25I think this woman is wearing underwear.
01:27I think there's too many people in this elevator.
01:30And I think you are all idiots.
01:32It's going to work.
01:33Let's do it.
01:34Oh
01:39Oh
02:05I'm not doing anything special tonight, Louise.
02:07Well, I'll tell you one thing I'm not doing.
02:08I am not staying late again to help Mr. Bracken.
02:10I've caved in three nights in a row, and this time I will not capitulate.
02:14Louise, could you...
02:15Sure, I'll stay.
02:18Louise, I thought you were going to stand up to him.
02:20I did, but he wore me down, the merciless bastard.
02:26Hey, Louise, uh...
02:26No, Herman, Mr. Bentley has not called.
02:28Were you here to...
02:29Yes, I was here the whole time you were in the bathroom.
02:31Have you had that...
02:31Yes, I have had sexual fantasies about the guy in the lobby who runs the newsstand,
02:35but it's very rude of you to ask me that.
02:40Right, right.
02:41Just let me know if Mr. Bentley calls.
02:47Research.
02:48Hi, Mr. Bentley.
02:50Herman can't take your call.
02:51He got liquored up, took the petty cash, and went to the track.
02:54Hey!
02:56Oh, chill out, Herman.
02:57I'm on hold.
02:59Hello?
03:01Hi.
03:01Hi, Mr. Bentley.
03:03Uh-huh.
03:04No.
03:06No.
03:07I understand.
03:09Oh, well...
03:10Yeah, sure.
03:12Thanks anyway.
03:18Are you going to be okay, Herman?
03:21I don't understand.
03:23I thought we had this job all sewn up.
03:25Oh, God.
03:27What are you doing?
03:28We can't cry like this in front of all these people.
03:30Oh, yeah.
03:31We've got to get out of here quick.
03:33Make something up before we embarrass ourselves.
03:37Oh, fine.
03:38I'll make something up before we lose our last shred of dignity.
03:40Mr. Bracken, I got a bad case of the runs.
03:42Could I hit the can?
03:43Oh, you seem pretty upset.
03:44Oh, you seem pretty upset.
03:49Shouldn't someone go after him?
03:50No.
03:51Let's leave him alone.
03:52Give him some time.
03:54Well, it's not like he's going to jump off the roof.
03:56All right, that was a tough one.
04:04But we're going to be just fine.
04:06There'll be other opportunities.
04:07Oh, blow it out your shorts.
04:10How long are we going to delude ourselves?
04:13It ain't going to happen, guys.
04:16You're always going to give the job to someone else.
04:18Someone less talented than us.
04:22My God, I've never seen him so depressed.
04:25Me either.
04:26It's scary.
04:27He's drunk.
04:28He's angry.
04:29He's abusive.
04:30Which reminds me, we have to call Dad.
04:34Hey, back away from there.
04:37What are you, crazy?
04:38You think I'm just going to stand here while you heave yourself off the building?
04:42I wasn't really going to heave myself.
04:44Well, that's good.
04:45Because this is my building and my heave.
04:48Wait a minute.
04:49What, are you going to jump?
04:51I don't have to jump.
04:52That's why I climbed up here.
04:54I can just step.
04:56Hold it.
04:57Hold it.
04:57Let's talk about this.
05:00What's your name?
05:01I'm Bob Smith.
05:02I'm a nobody.
05:03Now, that's not true.
05:04Have you ever heard of me?
05:05Well, no.
05:06Well, there you go.
05:09Well, come on.
05:10It's not like you've ever heard of Herman Brooks.
05:13You're Herman Brooks?
05:15From research?
05:17Oh, it's nice to finally meet you.
05:19Well, I got to kill myself.
05:21Well, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait.
05:22Whatever has you upset?
05:23Come on, Bob.
05:24It can't be that bad.
05:25Not that bad.
05:26You tried being with the same law firm for 10 years and never making partner.
05:3110 years of being passed over.
05:34Well, let's see how easy it is to pass over me when I'm lying flat as a pancake in front of that door.
05:40Look, Bob, give yourself a chance.
05:44Come on, I'm sure you'll bounce back.
05:46Well, it depends where I land.
05:49Hey, listen, Bob, I know what you've been going through.
05:52Trust me.
05:54Trust me, Jay.
05:55Herman's already gone.
05:56That doesn't make any sense.
05:57We're supposed to go to a concert tonight.
06:00Well, I got an extra ticket now.
06:01You want to go?
06:02I can't.
06:03I got to stay late and help Mr. Bracken, the old toad.
06:06I'm Cascetti.
06:08Yeah, right.
06:09Ask me what?
06:11I got an extra ticket to a concert, so Louise said I should ask you if you want to go.
06:15So ask me.
06:16Wait, you want to go?
06:17Yeah, right.
06:20Sorry.
06:21The thought of me going out with you just makes me laugh.
06:24Hey, it made me laugh.
06:25I was laughing first.
06:27Oh, look, I'm still laughing.
06:30Let's face it, there's no point in us going out.
06:32But, you know, eventually sex will come up and you and I both know we only use sex for
06:36personal game.
06:37Hey, I know.
06:39I use it to try to get ahead and you use it to brag about how much you've scored.
06:43So basically we're of no use to each other.
06:46It goes without saying, Eddie.
06:47I'm sure your exploit's pale compared to mine, but otherwise we're too much alike.
06:53Pale?
06:54Pale compared to yours?
06:55You think so?
06:57Well, let me ask you.
06:58Where's the weirdest place you've ever done it?
07:01Anatomically.
07:01Although I'm enjoying the visual, I meant, uh, geographically.
07:08Mount Rushmore, right under Lincoln's nose.
07:10Luxury box, Toronto Sky Dome.
07:13That was you?
07:14Inside the park home run, baby.
07:17All right.
07:18Strangest position.
07:19Standing on my head.
07:21You?
07:21Standing on his head.
07:28Oh, no, the elevator's stuck.
07:30Standing on his head?
07:38Hmm.
07:39Lights just dimmed.
07:41Either that or I just had a stroke.
07:45No such luck.
07:48Something bothering you, Louise?
07:49Well, there is, but you probably don't want to know about it.
07:51You're probably right.
07:52But I don't think I should keep it bottled up.
07:54I really urge you to.
07:57No, I need to communicate my feelings.
08:00No, trust me.
08:01No, you don't.
08:01Yes, I do.
08:02I want to know why it's me who always has to stay late.
08:05Because you're a team player?
08:08What team?
08:09The team went home.
08:10You see, you're getting upset.
08:13I'm starting to feel uncomfortable.
08:15No good can come in this communication business.
08:17I just want to know why it's me who always has to stay late.
08:19Why?
08:20Frankly, Louise, because I know you're always available.
08:26Well, I'm not available anymore.
08:29I quit.
08:30How's that for communicating?
08:31I still think bottled up is the way to go.
08:38For three long years, submitting my stories all over town, praying for a break.
08:44And I'm still in that crummy research room.
08:46And every year, someone less talented gets the writing job that should have been mine.
08:51Wow.
08:53Now I'm more depressed than I was before.
08:56Which all brings me back to this jumping thing.
08:59Wait a minute, Bob!
09:01Didn't you hear what I was saying?
09:02I'm like you.
09:03I share your pain.
09:05Oh, great.
09:06Now I have to share my pain with you.
09:08That's all I had before was my pain.
09:11I had my pain, and I had my keys.
09:14Oh, great.
09:15Now you have my pain, and some guy down there has my house and my car.
09:20Oh.
09:21And some of my pain.
09:25Listen.
09:26Oh, oh, thank God.
09:30Up here!
09:31Hey!
09:31Yeah, he's up here!
09:33Hey!
09:35Oh, one lousy fire truck.
09:38Boy, that's typical.
09:40Well, all right.
09:42I'm taking the plunge.
09:44I wish I had some gum.
09:46I hate to have my ears pop on the way down.
09:49Maybe I'll just yawn a lot.
09:51Uh, hey, hey, I have some gum.
09:52I have gum.
09:53Oh, yeah.
09:54Why are we offering him gum?
09:57I think we should get away from this lunatic.
09:59I am trying to distract him.
10:01Anything to stall.
10:02No, let's leave it to the professionals.
10:04There's hookers?
10:06Well, what are we wasting our time with this guy?
10:07He's a bitter loser and a dead-end job.
10:09That's right.
10:11Does it sound like someone we know?
10:13Hmm?
10:16It's us!
10:17I was gonna say us.
10:19Of course, us.
10:22Wait a minute.
10:24This has artificial sweeteners.
10:26You know what this stuff does to ya?
10:28Don't you read?
10:31Well, hey, Bob, how would you like to go out for a drink with me, huh?
10:35Well, yeah, maybe we could compare notes on being screwed over.
10:37What do you say, huh?
10:38You pick the place.
10:40Cyclone Roller Coaster.
10:41Front seat.
10:44Riskiest place you ever did it?
10:46I guess it would have to be that bridge.
10:48A bridge?
10:49That's not that risky.
10:50This was the bridge of the Exxon Valdez.
10:55Great sex, but that one came with a prize.
10:57You were on the Exxon Valdez.
11:01You try the phone.
11:02I just did.
11:03I got music.
11:03Well, try it again.
11:05All right.
11:08What the hell is taking so long?
11:10Is someone there?
11:11What the hell song is this?
11:15Radar Love.
11:16That's a weird choice.
11:18How can you be so calm?
11:20We are stuck in a little wooden box 20 floors up.
11:23I have an idea.
11:25Jesus!
11:26God!
11:26I'm going to get a kill.
11:29What?
11:30Are you serious?
11:31Hetty?
11:32Hetty?
11:33It's a stalled elevator.
11:34It's safe.
11:35Totally safe.
11:36Happens every day.
11:38Really?
11:38Of course.
11:39Nothing to worry about.
11:43Unless the building's on fire.
11:49What did you say?
11:50The building is on fire.
11:52That's it?
11:57I'm going to jump.
12:00I'm going to kill myself.
12:03Bob, the building is on fire.
12:05Oh, my God!
12:06I'm going to die!
12:13We're going to die, Herman!
12:15You're not going to die, Bob.
12:17Oh, sure.
12:18That's easy for you to say.
12:19You're an optimist!
12:21I used to be an optimist.
12:24But even then, I knew it wasn't going to last.
12:27Okay, okay.
12:28Try being an optimist now.
12:29Look, we'll just get down to the lobby, we'll get out in the street, and everything will be fine.
12:32Then again, the roof does offer a variety of fun options.
12:43Can't get the hatch open.
12:45Okay, Al.
12:46Al.
12:47Hedy.
12:47What?
12:48You're standing on some serious vertebrae there.
12:50Oh, sorry.
12:51Is this better?
12:52No.
12:54Hedy, I understand this counts as foreplay for you.
12:56It's breaking my neck.
12:58It doesn't matter.
12:59I can't get that damn thing open anyway.
13:01Hedy, look, we're not going to die.
13:04If we were, wouldn't you want to do something special with your last few moments on Earth kind of thing?
13:11What are you talking about?
13:12Well, we both agreed stupid for us to even consider having sex, because we're both so alike, and yada, yada, yada.
13:18But if this whole thing...
13:19Are you serious?
13:20I don't know.
13:21Think about it.
13:21If this whole thing were to end in tragedy, would you want to go out with a bang or a whimper?
13:27Or both?
13:28Oh, fine.
13:31You win, Jay.
13:33If you can even suggest doing it in a flaming elevator while we're dying, then you are the champ.
13:38Now leave me alone.
13:40Well, it's no fun to win by default.
13:44Hedy, come on.
13:44We're going to get out of here.
13:46Hedy, come on.
13:50Research.
13:51How many people left on this floor?
13:53Sir, I got that information for you.
13:54I got it.
13:55What am I doing?
13:56Listen, it's just me.
13:57It's me, Louise Spitzer, and my boss.
14:05Smokey.
14:07The situation on the stairs has not changed.
14:14Oh, Mr. Bracken.
14:15What are the signs of smoke inhalation?
14:17Burning lungs, nausea, endless coughing.
14:23After that frat party, I swore I'd never use a bomb again.
14:30What are you doing?
14:31Trying to get help.
14:31Hello?
14:32Hello?
14:33Hello?
14:34Does anybody give a rat's ass about us down here?
14:38Unbelievable.
14:40Are you okay?
14:41Oh, I'm great, Hedy.
14:41I'm loving this.
14:42I just, I love being stuck in a little tiny room with bad paneling.
14:46Are we starting to get a little panicky?
14:49No, we're a lot panicky.
14:50Okay?
14:51Well, we've been in here a long time.
14:52Why now?
14:53Well, I was able to put it off for a while, especially since I thought you might want to,
14:57you know,
14:58have my priorities.
15:00But ever since you said no, panicking's moved right up to the top of the list.
15:04Jay, look.
15:06You told me that we were going to be okay, and I believed you.
15:08Now I'm telling you, it's going to be okay.
15:11Yeah, okay, okay.
15:11I just, it feels like the walls are closing in, you know?
15:13God, I'm losing it.
15:14I'm losing it.
15:18Slap me one more time.
15:21No, I'm more than you're never.
15:25Bob, listen, I think I can jump to the next building.
15:28See, I just wanted the people at the law firm to look up and go,
15:32Oh, look, it's Bob, about to jump off the building.
15:37Maybe he is partner material.
15:41Okay, I'm going to have to give it a try.
15:43I'm a decent lawyer, damn it.
15:46I always did everything that was asked of me.
15:54Carmen?
15:56I stubbed my toe.
15:57Oh, who cares about your toe?
16:01What about my toe?
16:03I've got toes, too, you know.
16:05I've got almost ten of them.
16:08Bob, do you hear what you sound like?
16:10No.
16:11What do I sound like?
16:12Pity me.
16:13I've got no door.
16:15I've got no keys.
16:16I've got no toes.
16:22I can't keep whining all the time.
16:25I have legitimate beefs.
16:27I'm tired of people being promoted who have less talent than I do.
16:32Sound like someone we know?
16:34Look, this man is clearly deranged.
16:37He probably doesn't deserve to get promoted.
16:39We, on the other hand, have been passed over unjustly.
16:42Well, maybe not.
16:44Maybe we don't deserve it either.
16:45Maybe we're not good enough.
16:47Not good enough?
16:49What exactly are you saying?
16:51I am saying that maybe we could be a better writer.
16:53Maybe we could improve.
16:54We don't need to improve as a writer.
16:55We know all 26 letters of the alphabet.
16:58Except for February, which has 28.
17:03I think it's time that we take responsibility for our failures.
17:06Or we could keep doing what we're doing and end up on the rooftop,
17:10ranting like Bob Smith.
17:12Mr. Bracken, do you have any regrets?
17:18Well, right about now, I regret I didn't take that job on the first floor.
17:22No, I have bigger regrets.
17:24For instance, I regret that I never saw Paris.
17:28And I regret that I never had children.
17:29And I regret that I never celebrated St. Patrick's Day by dressing in green,
17:35drinking my body weight in beer, and singing the dirty version of Danny Boy in the reference room of the New York Public Library.
17:40Oh, believe me, Louise, this is not what it's cracked up to be.
17:48You know, I do regret that I've been making you stay late with me.
17:52Oh, well, you know, there's work, there's work.
17:55Oh, there isn't that much work, Louise.
17:56Lately, when I get home, Margaret's either out with her friends or in bed reading a book,
18:03and I guess I've been creating work and using you to keep me company.
18:09I'm sorry.
18:10Well, I guess that's what a right-hand gal is for.
18:17That's exactly what you are.
18:22Louise, did we just share a very personal moment?
18:26Yes, we did.
18:27Well, let's not do that again.
18:29I hear you.
18:32Walking down Canal Street, knocking on every door.
18:37You okay?
18:39You all right?
18:40Yeah.
18:41Maybe we should stop singing, huh?
18:43Oh, maybe.
18:44Those lyrics were pretty raunchy.
18:45Yeah, they are.
18:47Thanks for teaching them to me.
18:49My pleasure.
18:51Oh, your eyes are still watering.
18:53Yeah.
18:54I can't tell if it's the smoke or our rendition of Starry Starry Night.
18:56About that contest.
19:12I'd hate to lose, but I'll settle for a draw.
19:14Fellas, can you just give us two minutes?
19:28Really?
19:31You're sure?
19:32Really?
19:33Yes.
19:34Oh, Mr. Bracken, it's over.
19:35We made it.
19:36Yeah, we made it.
19:38Hey, Louise.
19:39What do you say we go down to McAnally's and have a beer and celebrate?
19:43Well, you know, Mr. Bracken, I was thinking that maybe the reason your wife spends so much time with her friends is because they talk to her.
19:49I think you ought to go home and talk to your wife.
19:54Beer sounds a lot more tempting.
19:56All right, then, let's go have a beer.
19:58And while we're at it, I can open up to you about some excruciatingly painful female troubles I've been having.
20:05You know, Louise, you're right.
20:08I need to spend some more time with my wife.
20:13See you tomorrow, boss.
20:16I mean, all I wanted was a pen.
20:18What, that's so much to ask for?
20:21A pen?
20:23Bob, it's over.
20:24It's over.
20:24The trucks are leaving.
20:25What?
20:27Here, look.
20:29Sure, you bunch of pansies?
20:32Leave us the fry up here.
20:36They're leaving because the fire is out.
20:38Oh, sure.
20:39Don't tell Bob Smith.
20:41You told him.
20:43Come on, let's head on down.
20:45Okay, good.
20:46I think I'll take you up on that drink now.
20:48Boy, I've got stories to tell you.
20:50The way people have screwed me over.
20:52Yeah, I don't think I'm going out for a drink tonight, Bob.
20:55I actually have something else I have to do.
20:58What do you have to do?
21:00Yeah, what else do we have to do?
21:01We almost died in a fire.
21:02I say we celebrate the precious vitality of life by drinking ourselves into a coma.
21:09What do we have to do?
21:11Well, actually, what I had in mind was dropping by the new school and signing up for some classes and writing.
21:17Oh, now you're talking.
21:18Herman Brooks doesn't give up.
21:20No more negativity.
21:21No more blaming our problems on others.
21:23I don't blame our problems on others.
21:25He does.
21:26It's just that I have plans.
21:30All right, I understand.
21:31Some other time.
21:33Yeah, some other time.
21:35Well, let's get going.
21:38Sure, big fire.
21:40Oh, there's a big fire here.
21:42Oh, look, they sent a police car.
21:45Oh, it's just a cab.
21:46Good luck, Bob.
21:49Oh, I get it.
21:50A cab.
21:51This way, if I jump off the building, when I land, I can get a ride home.
21:56Oh, good.
21:57Well, you'll get no tip.
21:58No tip at all.
22:01It's new.
22:01It's better.
22:02It's X-14.
22:06You know, if you were smart enough to buy the first Superman comic book, it'd be worth a fortune today.
22:09Absolutely.
22:10If you'd bought the very first Swatch Watch, you'd be glad, right?
22:12Hey, I bought the first Clapper.
22:13Yeah.
22:14But you'll be able to tell all your friends you saw the very first George Carlin show.
22:17It's the comedy series premiere with George Carlin this Sunday after an all-new Married with Children on Fox.
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