- 4 weeks ago
Everyone ends up a Herman's place for Valentines. Feeling uncomfortable he heads into work where he meets someone new.
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00:00Dangerous.
00:01Troubled.
00:04That woman's not wearing underwear.
00:05Is that all you can think about?
00:08Food and sex?
00:09Yes.
00:10Please, focus.
00:12Look out!
00:19Hey, it's Jack!
00:23No time for small talk, we're late.
00:25Petty, hold the elevator.
00:27Petty.
00:30I think Louise is so sweet.
00:38I think this woman is wearing underwear.
00:40I think there's too many people in this elevator.
00:43And I think you are all idiots.
00:45That's gonna work!
01:00What you got in the bag there?
01:15It's a valentine gift.
01:17Oh.
01:17Ooh, a heart-shaped pendant.
01:20Yeah, you like it?
01:21I love it, but I feel terrible now.
01:23I didn't get anything for you.
01:27Jay, it's for Julie.
01:29Ooh, I take it things are getting pretty serious between you and Julie?
01:31Yeah, maybe headed in that direction.
01:33So how about you, Jay?
01:34You got a date for Valentine's Day?
01:35Hey, as long as there are illegal aliens who want citizenship, Jay Nichols will have a date.
01:40You're my funny valentine, sweet comic valentine.
01:53You make me smile with my heart.
01:58What's going on?
02:02Your looks are laughable.
02:06Unphotographable.
02:08Hey!
02:09It's only a Valentine's Day song.
02:14And this year, Valentine's Day will be even more special because we have a date with Julie.
02:19Valentine's Day? What's that?
02:21It's that day every year where our heart soars with the wondrous possibilities of love and romance.
02:27Yeah, is that the one where we take our date home and find out she's wearing red underwear?
02:34Yes.
02:36Play out!
02:38Is your figure less than Greek?
02:42Is your mouth a little weak?
02:46When you open it to speak, are you smart?
02:56Does that answer your question?
03:00Herman, you're late.
03:02Katie, what are you doing with that ledger?
03:04Well, Sunday is Valentine's Day. You know, it's my busy season.
03:07Kind of like April for tax accountants, Christmas for retailers, Mardi Gras for drag queens.
03:12What does that have to do with your job?
03:15Well, since I'll be receiving hundreds of offers, they all need to be recorded and ranked in this ledger.
03:20Better not interfere with your work.
03:22Oh, no.
03:24Hi, I'm from Mr. Dennison's office upstairs. I need to speak with Hedy Newman.
03:27Excuse me, I'm getting my work done.
03:29That's more like it.
03:30What do you got for me?
03:31Mr. Dennison says the best offer he can make for Valentine's Day is a rib dinner.
03:36Is that good? What about afterwards?
03:38Flossing, I guess.
03:40Is that a joke? Get out of here. I'm running a business.
03:43Mr. Bracken, sir, I realize this is the first Valentine's Day since you and your wife separated. Are you gonna be okay?
03:51Actually, Herman, I was dreading this day, but my wife called. She wants to see me tonight.
03:56Could be Valentine's Day brought on some old feelings.
04:01Either that or she wants me to snake out the septic tank.
04:04All right, Herman, what's the big idea?
04:10I worship you from afar. Will you be my Valentine?
04:15Oh, your secret admirer, Louise, this is great.
04:17Oh, come on, Herman, don't play dumb with me.
04:19You wrote me this to make me feel better because you know I don't have a date for Valentine's, didn't you?
04:24No, Louise, I swear I didn't.
04:26Hedy, did you send me this Valentine's?
04:28Oh, yes, Louise, I love you. I've always loved you to me now.
04:33Louise, I think this is on the level.
04:36You mean I really have a secret admirer?
04:37Yeah, that's right.
04:39Oh, my God, I gotta find out who it is. Who could it be?
04:41It must be someone who works with me, somebody who sees me every day.
04:44Louise, did you get the note I left you?
04:52Oh, my God.
04:54Mr. Bracken, it's so sweet of you.
04:57But really, it'd never work. It's not meant to be.
05:00It must end before it begins.
05:03What are you talking about? I gave you a memo to get some staples.
05:08Yes.
05:10And reading it again, I'm willing to give it a try.
05:14Julie, what are you doing here?
05:27Hi, Herman. Is it okay that I just stopped by?
05:29Yes, yes, of course.
05:30As a matter of fact, I was gonna give you a call later to tell you what I've got planned for Valentine's Day.
05:33I made reservations at this restaurant, which is supposed to be the hottest-
05:37Herman, Herman.
05:38If we go too far, there's something we have to talk about.
05:41Oh, no, this can't be good.
05:42Oh, will you stop worrying? It could be anything.
05:45Could be she's pregnant or has been diagnosed with a venereal disease.
05:49This is supposed to make me feel better?
05:51No, it's supposed to make you feel worse. I don't like you.
05:57Well, so what's up? You gonna dump me?
06:00Dump is such a harsh word.
06:04I was kidding.
06:06Look, Herman, we've been together a couple of weeks now, and it just doesn't feel like there's anything between us.
06:10I don't feel a spark, you know what I mean?
06:12How can you dump someone three days before Valentine's Day?
06:16I just don't feel anything.
06:17Well, so what? You could just fake it until after Valentine's Day.
06:21Maybe I better just go.
06:23Oh, that's it? We're not gonna talk about this?
06:25There's nothing to talk about, Herman. I'm sorry. Goodbye.
06:30Where the hell is your Valentine's Day spirit? Huh?
06:34Oh, hi, Mrs. Parisi. I was just getting dumped.
06:38Again?
06:39Yeah.
06:40How about some hard liquor?
06:43My funny valentine.
06:46Sweet comic valentine.
06:48Will you shut up?
06:52Tough brain.
06:59You're kidding.
07:00You just broke it off just like that?
07:02Yeah, I don't know what I feel worse about. The fact that she dumped me or that I don't have a date for Valentine's Day.
07:07Oh, hell, I'll just get another date. You know, everyone I know is committed.
07:10Herman, I can solve your problem with two words. Illegal alien.
07:15No thanks, Jay. Tell you what, just to show you I care, I'll take that pendant off your hands for 20 bucks.
07:23You're a real friend.
07:2480, 40, 60, done.
07:28Hello, Walter. Is that offer still open for dinner and dancing?
07:31What do you mean it's too late? I told you to wait by the phone!
07:34Damn, another one.
07:35What's going on, Hetty?
07:36Oh, I kept holding out for a better offer. I think I waited too long.
07:40Now everybody has made other plans, but I have one more try.
07:44Hello, Ahmed?
07:46Is that offer still open to ride around with you in the front seat of your cab?
07:50Well, thanks for nothing!
07:52I have an idea. We don't have a date. Hetty doesn't have a date. Let's ask her.
07:58No, we have tried romance with Hetty. It doesn't work.
08:01Well, it's better than being alone.
08:02Well, what if we date her and she doesn't have sex with us?
08:07We're certainly not going to have sex if we spend the night alone.
08:11I suspect we define sex differently.
08:16Hetty, it seems that neither of us has a date for Valentine's Day, so...
08:20Herman, are you asking me out for a date?
08:21Well, yeah, I guess I am.
08:24Oh, my God! Herman asked me out! My life is over! I've been a bottle!
08:30Well, okay, but if you change your mind, let me know.
08:37Hi, Louise.
08:40You saw through my disguise!
08:42Why are you wearing a disguise?
08:44I can't take it anymore, Herman! My secret admirer is following me around and leaving notes for me everywhere! It is freaking me out!
08:51Louise?
08:52Ah, great. Now he's sending me some drooling halfway to give me flowers. What?
08:56I'm Ralph, your secret admirer.
09:00What?
09:01I'm Ralph, from down the hall, an editorial. I'm your secret admirer.
09:04How could you do this to me? The last 24 hours have been hell, feeling like every second there's been somebody watching me, watching my every move, not knowing who it is, not knowing what could happen. It's been awful! It's been just awful!
09:17So would you like to go out with me on Valentine's Day?
09:22Okay.
09:24Great.
09:26I'll pick you up around eight.
09:27Great. I never...
09:29I know. And wear your black velvet dress. I really like you in it.
09:32Well, actually, it's at the cleaners.
09:35I know. But it'll be ready tomorrow.
09:37I have a date, Herman! I have a date for Valentine's!
09:38Well, I'm happy for you, Louise.
09:39Cover for me, will ya? I gotta go get prettied up.
09:40Louise? You don't have to wear that anymore.
09:41Oh, yes. It keeps the muggers away. And besides, I like being anonymous.
09:45I have a date, Herman! I have a date for Valentine's!
09:48Well, I'm happy for you, Louise.
09:50Cover for me, will ya? I gotta go get prettied up.
09:53Louise? You don't have to wear that anymore.
09:55Oh, yes. It keeps the muggers away. And besides, I like being anonymous.
10:00Hi, Louise. I don't believe it. I don't believe it.
10:06What, Mr. Brackett?
10:07Divorce papers, Herman. That's what she wanted to see me about. She signed them, make me sign them too.
10:12Just before Valentine's Day. And just after I snaked out her septic tank.
10:20My funny Valentine. Sweet comic Valentine.
10:31Look at us. Look how worked up we're all getting. And it's all because of Valentine's Day.
10:35Well, you know what I say. I say there is no Valentine's Day.
10:38As far as we're concerned, it doesn't exist.
10:40Sunday is just another Sunday, no different than any other. Right, guys?
10:45I feel horrible.
10:46I wish I were dead.
10:47My funny...
10:54Sweet comic...
10:55Balladour comic...
11:03I'll be taking a short break right about now.
11:06Love story? The way we were? Terms of endearment? Who the hell rented these movies?
11:19I did. It's Valentine's Day. We may not have a date, but we can't deny the fact that we need love and romance.
11:25I'm still mad we didn't rent the movie I wanted. Hot and Saucy Pizza Girls. They deliver.
11:32They deliver. That's wordplay. I thought you'd go for that.
11:36I guess it was up in my head.
11:38Mr. Bracken.
11:43Herman, I was wondering if you have those files you were working on for Fish and Tackle magazine.
11:48I gave those to you on Thursday.
11:50What's the matter with you? Do you think I came here for those articles? Do you think I care about those articles?
11:55Don't you recognize a desperate plea for companionship when you hear one?
12:01Can I come in?
12:03Sure, Mr. Bracken. Come on in.
12:06Worst Valentine's Day of my life.
12:09Sorry, sir, but as long as you're in my apartment, it is not Valentine's Day.
12:13Why don't you help yourself to something in the fridge?
12:16Herman, I'd like you to meet my date.
12:18This is Herman.
12:19Hi, I'm Annie. But my friends call me Gigi.
12:22Well, if your name is Annie, why do they call you Gigi?
12:25I don't know. I guess because it rhymes.
12:29Isn't she great?
12:31Uh-huh. It's a nice pendant.
12:33Oh, thanks.
12:34Jay, solve it to me.
12:38Uh, look, Herman, turns out Gigi here would like to go to dinner.
12:41Do you believe it?
12:43Just love those reservations you made when you thought you had a date?
12:46I gave them to Louise.
12:47Aw, well, I tried.
12:49Let's go back to my apartment.
12:50I'm not just gonna go sleep with you.
12:53What kind of girl do you think I am?
12:55The kind who just goes to sleep with me.
12:59Oh, great, great.
13:00Now I don't have a date.
13:02Well, Valentine's Day sucks.
13:05It is not Valentine's Day, Jay.
13:07We don't need women, right, guys?
13:08That's right. You said it, Mr. Bracken.
13:10They're nothing but trouble.
13:12Damn straight.
13:13In fact, I'm glad my wife is divorcing me.
13:15Me too.
13:16How dare you say that, you son of a bitch.
13:18I love that woman.
13:21I don't know why she's divorcing me.
13:23Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
13:24Let's keep our spirits up, guys.
13:26Come on, a toast.
13:28Valentine's Day sucks.
13:30Valentine's Day sucks.
13:32Oh, Herman, it was horrible, just horrible.
13:40I was in my apartment, I could see someone across the street with binoculars.
13:44That's awful. He was watching you?
13:45He always watches me, but this time he saw I was alone on Valentine's Day.
13:50I'll never be able to strip for him again without feeling embarrassed.
13:54I hate Valentine's Day.
13:55Oh, Hattie, within the walls of this apartment there is no Valentine's Day.
13:59Sounds good to me.
14:01Hi, Herman.
14:02Happy Valentine's Day.
14:04I just stopped by to tell you how great it's going with Ralph.
14:07Well, good for you.
14:08I feel so comfortable around him, I have no secrets from him.
14:11I guess that's the upside of dating someone who's been stalking you for two months.
14:16Sounds very romantic, Louise, but in my apartment there is no romance.
14:20No Valentine's Day.
14:22No Valentine's Day.
14:23Hi, everybody.
14:24Hi, Louise.
14:25You all know Ralph from Editorial?
14:27Hi, Ralph.
14:28Hi.
14:30Wow, I can't believe it.
14:32This is the first opportunity I've ever had to be the life of the party.
14:35I hope I can handle the pressure.
14:37I can't, I gotta go to the bathroom.
14:39Oh, Herman, are you having a Valentine's Day party?
14:42Oh, no, Mrs. Parisi, it's just some friends.
14:44You remember me telling you about my son Johnny.
14:46Well, he's in town and I'd like you to meet him.
14:49Well, nice to meet you.
14:50Oh, great.
14:51Now we have to deal with his loser neighbors.
14:53If Johnny keeps on going, he's going to be the youngest partner in the history of his firm.
14:57Johnny, my name is Hattie.
14:59Let's talk.
15:02Herman, I hate to tell you this, but this party is a major bummer.
15:06This is not a party.
15:07Herman, you know what you need?
15:09Some snacks.
15:10Some finger food.
15:11Some hard liquor.
15:14Why don't we see if we can rustle up in the fridge, huh?
15:18Well, just the three of us guys.
15:22Excuse me, Herman.
15:24That Parisi chick is one hot number.
15:27Oh, Mr. Bracken, wait.
15:28Let him go, Herman. Let him go.
15:29Let him have their party.
15:30We'll have our own non-Valentine's Day.
15:32You and me.
15:33Yeah, just you and me.
15:34Jay, you were right.
15:37I am the kind of girl that would just go sleep with you.
15:42How could we have fought?
15:44It's Valentine's Day.
15:46It is not Valentine's Day.
15:49What this party needs is some music.
15:52This isn't a party.
15:57Louise, would you like to dance?
15:59It's your favorite song.
16:01It is?
16:02Well, I guess you'd know better than me.
16:05Oh, Johnny, tell me again how big it is, whisper in my ear.
16:10Oh, is that before or after taxes?
16:14This is humiliating.
16:18Let's get out of here.
16:19I'm with you.
16:30You're getting chocolate all over the keys.
16:32My funny valentine, sweet comic valentine, you make me smile with my heart.
16:53Can we please get this damn song out of our head?
16:57Can't you sing something else?
16:59Anything else?
17:00Well, let's see.
17:01My funny valentine.
17:11Oh, excuse me.
17:12Can I help you with something?
17:13Yeah, I was just trying to get ahead on some work.
17:15I wanted to pull a times quote from last year.
17:17Oh, that's on microfilm.
17:18You'll have to come back in the morning.
17:20Oh, well, thanks anyway.
17:25You, what are you...
17:26Sorry, go ahead.
17:27You first.
17:28So, what, you're working on Sunday night?
17:31Yeah.
17:32Well, my roommates are having a valentine's day party.
17:35I just broke up with someone recently, so I didn't feel like participating.
17:39Valentine's day is pretty awful when you don't have a date.
17:42Well, as far as I'm concerned, there is no valentine's day.
17:45It just does not exist.
17:46Yeah?
17:47And how is that working out?
17:48Well, I'm working on a Sunday night.
17:50Does that answer your question?
17:53So?
17:55So?
17:58I'd better let you get back to work.
17:59Yeah.
18:01I'd really rather you didn't.
18:04Good.
18:05Because I'd rather not.
18:07Don't anyone move.
18:09I think I feel a spark here.
18:11No, no.
18:12It's just a meaningless encounter.
18:13There's nothing going on.
18:15Well, let's see.
18:17Tch.
18:19Ooh.
18:20I'm Herman.
18:21Margie.
18:22We are not going through this again.
18:24I thought we agreed.
18:25I never agreed.
18:27Well, what about you?
18:28You're afraid of women, remember?
18:29Yes, but I'm also afraid of not having someone.
18:32And I'm afraid of air travel, snakes, and certain kinds of cheese.
18:36Hey, guys.
18:37Wanna see something neat?
18:39Tch.
18:43Would you care to dance?
18:45Where?
18:46Here.
18:47Here.
18:48Here?
18:49Yeah.
18:50Why not?
18:51Why not?
18:53Just so long as you understand.
18:55Just dancing.
18:56It is not Valentine's Day.
18:58You got it.
18:59No Valentine's Day.
19:00You make me smile with my heart.
19:15What are you doing?
19:16What are you doing?
19:17It's all just gonna happen again.
19:19We'll get involved and have some good times and some bad times and we'll break up and feel awful again and then what?
19:26And then we'll find someone else and we'll do it all over again.
19:29How many times must we go through this?
19:32Until we find the right one.
19:34What?
19:35Is your figure less than great?
19:40Is your mouth a little weak when you open it to speak?
19:49Are you smart?
19:50Are you smart?
19:51Are you smart?
19:52Are you smart?
19:53Are you smart?
19:54Are you smart?
19:55But don't change your hair for me?
19:59Not if you care for me.
20:04Stay, little Valentine's Day.
20:14Each day is Valentine's Day.
20:34You made me lie.
20:39I didn't want to do it.
20:43I didn't want to do it.
20:46You made me love you.
20:51And all the time you knew it.
20:55I bet you always knew it.
20:58You made me happy sometimes.
21:03You made me happy sometimes.
21:09But there were times, dear.
21:13You made me feel so bad.
21:18You made me cry for you.
21:24I didn't want to tell you. I didn't want to tell you. I want some love. That's true. Yes, I do. Indeed, I do. You know I do.
21:41Give me, give me what I cry for. You know you've got my friend, the kisses that I die for. You know you made me love you.
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