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00:00Read about the things that happen throughout the world
00:08Don't believe in everything you see or hear
00:14Read all about it
00:18Read all about it
00:21Listen to the world, listen to the world
00:24Read all about it
00:27Read all about it
00:30Listen to the world, listen to the world
00:32Hello and welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara Breein.
00:39Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Sarah Pascoe and Josh Whittacombe,
00:43Rob Beckett, Hugh Dennis and Gary Delaney.
00:53We start tonight with a game called Picture of the Week.
00:56I show the panel a topical image from the Weeks of Teams.
00:59Here's your picture, but why has this man been in the news this week?
01:03Has someone just said to him, give me one good reason why Labour won't win the general election?
01:07I think he swallowed some milk and he's going to do his impression of the human zit
01:17What he seems to be saying to me is, he's going, if you want to hear crap, this is where it comes from
01:26Well, actually, they say that the distance between a man's thumb and his forefinger is the likelihood of him ever getting elected prime minister
01:35Is he about to demonstrate how he thinks gay men have sex?
01:42And they don't do that.
01:46Mark, when they joke, I have no interest in them at all.
01:49You know, just for the once, you just go, come on, we just do it once.
01:55Dara, you're there in the background, can't you tell us what you said?
01:57I'm sorry, the look-alike Dara game is quite clear, right?
02:10You can't just point to any large, bald man and go...
02:14He's not very large, he's about three foot by the look-alike.
02:18I think what he's doing is he's going, I am the Phil Neville of politics.
02:24I'm going to accept that as the correct answer.
02:34Yes, it is the Labour leader, Ed Miliband, in the news this week, as he's been attacked by the press and some Labour MPs for the latest in a series of perceived gaffes.
02:44What's the latest one?
02:45A photo was taken of him holding a copy of The Sun, wasn't it?
02:48That was sent to every house in Britain?
02:51Yes.
02:51It's quite a sad picture, isn't it?
02:52He looks like a teenager who's looked at page three and he's hiding his boner, really, doesn't he?
02:58All the leaders did them, and this was regarded as being, well, because of Labour's links with Liverpool, that was regarded as an offensive people to do there.
03:06But also, it was just regarded, they were all doing essentially an ad for The Sun.
03:09I mean, Clegg did one as well.
03:10The one I think, he got the grief, this is a really freaky one, is the Osborne one.
03:14The Osborne, that's just bizarre.
03:15Who holds a paper like that?
03:18You know, he should have, like, a Waffen SS thing on his hands, going, these are your papers!
03:22These are your papers!
03:23Do you know what it looks like?
03:25You know when someone's taken hostage and they have to prove it by holding up a...
03:29What year?
03:32What year is it?
03:33It's this year!
03:34Actually, this is quite interesting, because they didn't put page three in The Suns they gave out for...
03:39It obviously did have a third page, but they didn't...
03:42One, two, three?
03:43It's finished!
03:45They didn't put page three in them because it would be offensive to some families, and it's quite interesting,
03:49because I've been thinking about this, because you know there's this organisation called No More Page Three,
03:52because they think it's objectification and children see it and women get uncomfortable in public transport.
03:56Well, all these other people are saying, well, why are feminists suppressing other women?
04:00Like, we live in the Western world, they choose to do this job.
04:02They wouldn't have a livelihood if you took it away, and I think I've solved it.
04:06And what we do is we make page three like jury duty.
04:09So every woman over the age of 18 now has to do page three.
04:13And you just wake up one day, there's a letter, says,
04:16Dear Sarah, please come to The Sun offices at 9am, bring some snazzy pants and a pithy quote about Syria.
04:23Just go to the show.
04:25Imagine the day you buy The Sun and it's your mum.
04:31That's the high price.
04:32That's the high price you pay for our freedoms.
04:35Your mum's baths occasionally will have to appear.
04:41Apologising, Josh's mum.
04:43I hope that makes the edit.
04:44That'll be the proudest moment of her life, when she goes,
04:47Dara O'Brien apologised to me on TV.
04:49I know, she says rearranging her baths.
04:51I apologise again.
04:58To me, to all women for that motion.
05:01I don't get the point of getting them holding the paper.
05:05Why is Ed Miliband holding The Sun?
05:06If you're at PR people, you're getting them in The Sun.
05:08Do you know what I mean?
05:08If they can't get me in the proper page, at least dear Deidre, like,
05:11Oh, I betrayed my brother, now he won't talk to me.
05:13Something like that.
05:15I'm bored.
05:16They keep banging on about his gaffs.
05:17How many hours has he got?
05:24I don't care where he lives.
05:26It is, I mean, The Independent ran with, with that picture,
05:29ran with the headline.
05:30An unbelievable headline.
05:32Miliband fails to look normal while eating a bacon sandwich.
05:37That was the news in the effect that day.
05:40I like that they said his advisers stepped in.
05:43I just imagine they stepped in and, like,
05:45the, yeah, open wide, Ed.
05:52I think this is good PR for him,
05:53because although they actually say that people who eat messily
05:56are very good lovers,
05:57and also they're covered in crumbs that you can use for snacks.
06:01What does it matter if you can't eat a bacon sandwich?
06:03My dad's well going to eat sandwiches,
06:05but he'll be shit running the country.
06:07He upset everyone, didn't he?
06:08Because he upset people by eating it badly and looking unpleasant,
06:12and he also upset the Jewish community,
06:13of which he is part,
06:14by eating a bacon sandwich.
06:17He's not, for his next PR thing,
06:18he's going to hold up,
06:19he might as well just hold up a picture of Margaret Thatcher
06:21and eat a packet of frazzles on Ramadan.
06:23What about the, what other, what other gaffs has he,
06:34is he purported to have made?
06:36He was asked to estimate how much the average family spent on food shopping,
06:40and his answer was,
06:41that depends how much you're spending,
06:42which is right.
06:43Is it the right answer?
06:45And then everyone went off on one,
06:47and then they said,
06:48oh, I want a number figure,
06:49and he said between 75 and 80 pounds,
06:51and then we're like,
06:51oh, no, actually, you're out of touch,
06:53it's 100 pounds.
06:55Yeah.
06:55But if he had said 150 pounds,
06:57we'd be tearing a strip off him,
06:58like, oh, what, you eating caviar?
06:59It's like when you're guessing someone's age,
07:02you always go under what you think the actual answer is.
07:04Always go under, always go under.
07:05You don't go, what, say you're, ooh, 50, 55?
07:08What? I'm still in the school, you're not.
07:11The reason it was so cheap was,
07:13is in fact what he does is he buys a lot of reduced price stuff
07:16that is way past its sell-by date,
07:18in case his brother comes to visit.
07:21My theory is that he probably doesn't do the shopping.
07:24He doesn't do the shopping,
07:26and even if he does go to the shop,
07:27he probably hasn't got any money,
07:28because he's always brought the wrong trousers.
07:34That's true.
07:36I had to think about that, Jake,
07:38for quite a long time before I launched it.
07:42I don't want him to know how much groceries are.
07:44Like, I know that.
07:44I want him to know about things I don't understand,
07:46like the economy, health care, and spelling.
07:50Now, what has Boris Johnson splashed out on this week?
07:53He's bought two things called
07:55Ziegler Wasserwerfer 9,000s.
07:58He has bought the Ziegler Wasserwerfer 9,000s.
08:01Yeah, they're water cannon.
08:02He's bought two water cannon.
08:03Yes.
08:03I'm hoping it's going to be like Boris bikes,
08:05and you can rent them out and ride them out.
08:07LAUGHTER
08:08Yeah.
08:11His idea is...
08:12He drives them up to a neighbour's barbecue, guys.
08:15Hello, Terry.
08:17No invitation for me again, I see.
08:20Those sausages are coming on very well.
08:23Or put fairy liquid in it and have a phone party.
08:26LAUGHTER
08:26Surely the best way to stop a riot with a water cannon
08:30would be to put some RADOX in it.
08:32Just everyone just relax and have a look.
08:35He said the reason, didn't he?
08:37He said the reason he was getting them
08:38is because he thought that they could have been used
08:40to protect the firemen during the riots in 2011.
08:45As if, of course, the firemen didn't have their own
08:47high-projectile water machine they could have used.
08:51I reckon he got really drunk and just bought it off eBay.
08:53LAUGHTER
08:54Because that's what happened to me.
08:57I've got a pair of roller skates and a windsurfer in my shed.
08:59LAUGHTER
09:00A windsurfer? That's a man.
09:03Yeah, I know.
09:03LAUGHTER
09:04Does he ever put on the roller skates
09:07and you hear him just rollerskating around the...
09:09LAUGHTER
09:09You're laughing, but the bloke in your garage
09:12is bloody furious, I tell you.
09:13LAUGHTER
09:14What's he doing in there? He's in the shed, isn't he?
09:15LAUGHTER
09:16He's moved!
09:18Do you want to move him around?
09:19Yeah, because otherwise you get spare bedroom taxed.
09:22LAUGHTER
09:23If Boris Johnson ever offers to show you his water cannon,
09:33say no.
09:35And, Boris, if you're watching,
09:36I don't want your money, I just think you should see our kid.
09:38LAUGHTER
09:39LAUGHTER
09:40At the end of that round, the points go to Rob, Hugh and Gary!
09:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
09:54Performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
09:58OK, here we go. Let's spin the wheel.
10:02The first topic is family.
10:04Who wants to come in on that?
10:05I'll do it.
10:05Rob.
10:05I went shopping with my nan the other day.
10:09She's a very straight-talking man, very sort of south-east London.
10:11And we were in the shops and I said,
10:13nan, get yourself some trousers, they're on special.
10:15She went, nah, it's all right, son.
10:16Got enough to see me out.
10:17How depressing is that?
10:19LAUGHTER
10:20LAUGHTER
10:20Basing your fashion choices upon your lifespan.
10:24LAUGHTER
10:25I don't care, she's quite modern, she's on the internet and stuff.
10:28She went, I saw you on YouTube last Tuesday.
10:30I was like, watch it when you want, nan, it's not scheduled.
10:33LAUGHTER
10:33And, er, she...
10:36Oh, is that a weird fly?
10:37Oh.
10:38Oh, it's weird, isn't it?
10:41It's my grandad having a go.
10:42LAUGHTER
10:43APPLAUSE
10:45I went to visit her recently, our internet weren't working, right?
10:52She went, can you sort my internet out?
10:53And, all right, nan, show me how you normally log on to the internet,
10:55I'll see what you're doing wrong, get it done.
10:57What I do is, I click on the start button, I was like, right.
10:59She went, I got to programmes, I was like, right.
11:01She went, I got to go into accessories, I'm like, well, that's wrong, but carry on.
11:04She went, I got to go into games, I'm like, oh, God.
11:07Good.
11:08I go into solitaire, play that for a bit,
11:10click on the cross, then I double-click on it in the Net Explorer.
11:14And I'm sitting there thinking, you could probably cut out the middleman now.
11:19And I was worried that she's at home thinking that she has to play solitaire to get online.
11:24LAUGHTER
11:25I need to send that email, but I cannot face another card game.
11:29I'm sick of it.
11:31Many sort of, like, internet sort of computer people are thinking,
11:34actually, Rob, that is the incorrect route to solitaire on the latest version of Windows.
11:38You're correct, but she's on Windows 98.
11:40We're not upgrading her.
11:41It'll see her out.
11:43LAUGHTER
11:43APPLAUSE
11:44Well done, Rob.
11:46OK, let's spin the wheel.
11:51Somebody who's ageing, who wants to talk about that?
11:54Sarah.
11:55OK, and so I'm 33 years old, which is where magazines will tell you that a woman has her sexual peak.
12:01And I used to think that was a lie, that it was something that they were saying to younger women,
12:04so they wouldn't be afraid of getting older.
12:06Like, oh, yes, you will have a moustache and a slow metabolism,
12:09but you'll also be gagging for it all of the time.
12:12And now I'm this age, and I do believe in it,
12:14I basically think your body starts flooding with hormones
12:16because you only have so much longer left to have a child,
12:19because that's it.
12:20I'm 33 and I've never had a baby.
12:22I have had a tapeworm.
12:24LAUGHTER
12:25But it's not the same.
12:27And, um, but the trouble that I'm having is, um,
12:29so my boyfriend's also my age,
12:31and he's experiencing a lot less interest in sex.
12:33He's having a sexual slump.
12:34Because, um, apparently boys have a sexual peak when they're around 18.
12:38And that is not fair.
12:40That is a horrible trick that nature has played.
12:42Because an 18-year-old doesn't want to have sex with me
12:43any more than I want people to know that I've done that.
12:46LAUGHTER
12:47LAUGHTER
12:48And it's not fair!
12:52And it's not fair, because when I was a teenager,
12:56I didn't particularly enjoy or understand sex,
12:58yet I had it all of the time,
13:00out of politeness, or to stay friends with someone,
13:03or say thanks for the lift.
13:06LAUGHTER
13:06LAUGHTER
13:07Thank you very much.
13:08Well done, very good.
13:10APPLAUSE
13:11So that leads us now with Gary.
13:15Let's see what you've been there for.
13:16Gary, let's spin the wheel.
13:18And the topic is shopping.
13:20Hey, where you go?
13:22I bought a slimming magazine in WH Schmitz.
13:26I didn't read it.
13:27I just wanted a big bar of Galaxy for a pound.
13:30LAUGHTER
13:30I bought some fancy pens at a nudist art shop.
13:34Felt tips?
13:35No, but I touched a couple of bollocks.
13:37LAUGHTER
13:38I was in a lingerie shop.
13:43I said, are these knickers sat in?
13:44He said, no, they're new.
13:46LAUGHTER
13:46LAUGHTER
13:47I went to buy a Christmas tree.
13:51The guy said, you're going to put it up yourself?
13:52I said, no, I was thinking the living room.
13:54LAUGHTER
13:55LAUGHTER
13:56Bought a chameleon?
14:01Lost it.
14:02LAUGHTER
14:03LAUGHTER
14:04Why is it that when women go to the toilet in pairs,
14:09no-one minds,
14:10but when I did it,
14:11I got thrown out of the greengrocers?
14:12LAUGHTER
14:13LAUGHTER
14:15I got into a fight,
14:19my acupuncturist and stabbed him.
14:20He said he'd never felt better.
14:22LAUGHTER
14:23According to the vet, my cat's in heat.
14:26I didn't even know she was famous.
14:27LAUGHTER
14:28LAUGHTER
14:29A friend of mine keeps going on and on
14:37about how good his orthopaedic shoe is,
14:38but I think he's built it up too much.
14:40LAUGHTER
14:40LAUGHTER
14:41I bought an advent calendar for Jehovah's Witnesses,
14:45but on every door, somebody tells you to fuck off.
14:47LAUGHTER
14:49APPLAUSE
14:51Oh, brilliant.
14:52At the end of that round,
14:53the boys get a guy and a lady!
14:55Come on back.
14:56APPLAUSE
14:57APPLAUSE
14:58APPLAUSE
14:59The next round is called
15:02If This Is The Answer, What Is The Question?
15:04On the board are six categories.
15:06Sarah, which category would you like?
15:07Sport.
15:08Sport, OK.
15:09Very big at the moment.
15:10Sport, the answer is three billion.
15:13What is the question?
15:14Is the question,
15:15how many sleeps are there till England wins the World Cup?
15:18LAUGHTER
15:19APPLAUSE
15:20Is it how many people on the planet
15:26would be a better commentator than Phil Neville?
15:29LAUGHTER
15:30Is it...
15:31How many people will have to die in the Middle East
15:33before Tony Blair thinks that he might not be
15:36the best peace envoy there is?
15:38LAUGHTER
15:39Is it what percentage battery life do I need on an iPhone
15:46to last all day?
15:48LAUGHTER
15:49Is it how many hairs were in the swing bin
15:51at the end of Chewbacca's full-body waxing?
15:54LAUGHTER
15:55Is it the amount of adverts Joe Hart's been in?
15:58LAUGHTER
15:59Is it how many times has David Cameron said to Nick Clegg,
16:01not now?
16:02LAUGHTER
16:03LAUGHTER
16:04APPLAUSE
16:05OK, I'm going to move you towards a correct answer.
16:12It's loads.
16:13It's how many people actually watch the World Cup.
16:16Yeah, you're absolutely right.
16:17Well done.
16:17Very good.
16:19APPLAUSE
16:19Well done, sir.
16:21APPLAUSE
16:21Yes, the question I was looking for was
16:24how many viewers around the world
16:25are claimed to be tuning into the World Cup?
16:27This is the predicted figure of worldwide viewers
16:29with some estimating it will reach as high as 3.5 billion.
16:31FIFA expects the tournament
16:33to be the most watched TV event ever.
16:35At the time of recording,
16:36we don't know the result of England's second game
16:38against Uruguay,
16:39which possibly determines whether or not
16:41you reach the tournament's knocker stage,
16:42and certainly determines the mood
16:44of a lot of people watching the show at the moment.
16:46So, hmm, sad face, happy.
16:48Different of nowhere to go on this,
16:50to be honest, so best of luck, hard luck,
16:52you know, time to break.
16:53I can't stand it!
16:56You can't stand winning a match as successfully as that.
16:58Oh, yes, I tried, I love it.
17:01I'm sure the fans don't really matter what the score was
17:03as long as everyone tried their best.
17:05Right?
17:06Yes!
17:07Yeah, high-five!
17:09High-five, everybody!
17:10Some things aren't worth joking about.
17:14What's the betting?
17:15Somebody said to Wayne Rooney,
17:16Uruguay, and he said,
17:18Yeah, no, and Colleen's a girl.
17:24Didn't they try and acclimatise?
17:26One of the ways they acclimatised
17:27was by eating really hot curries,
17:29and apparently Sturridge likes a Vindaloo,
17:31Gerard likes a Madras,
17:33and Rooney prefers a plain man.
17:34It was, like, ten years ago.
17:43When are we going to forget it?
17:45Like, this year we'll never forget things like that.
17:49They are changing lots of things about football this year,
17:52and I think, actually, we could move that a little bit further.
17:54I've got some suggestions to how we can improve the World Cup.
17:56So, for instance, listen up.
17:57When someone gets a free kick,
17:59they shouldn't have to use that on the ball.
18:01They could use it on any of the other players or the ref.
18:05Use it anywhere.
18:06Also, when there's substitutions,
18:07I think that should be, like, online grocery shopping.
18:10Like, oh, you asked for Theo Walcott,
18:11but we couldn't find him.
18:14So we've sent you retired cricketer Ian Botham.
18:18Hi! Hi!
18:22Do you know what?
18:23I'd still vote for you ahead of Sepp Blatter.
18:26What other innovations have we seen in this World Cup?
18:28Spray foam.
18:29Spray foam.
18:30Love it.
18:31Spray foam is magic.
18:32So exciting, isn't it?
18:33It's really good, isn't it?
18:33It's really good.
18:34Because, actually, I think people genuinely think
18:36it's like a wall that magically creates a barrier.
18:40They go, oh, they're trapped in a crystal prison.
18:43Like Superman, oh, I can't get out of here.
18:47I'm trapped against the glass.
18:48It does disappear pretty quickly,
18:50but if you're going to put a white line in front of footballers,
18:52it's going to go.
18:53I mean...
18:53I'm impressed that at no point so far
18:57has anyone drawn a cock and balls with it.
18:59They've not warned us about it.
19:02So it just looked like he'd completely lost the plot.
19:06You know, when Vanessa started writing things in Big Brother,
19:09like, look, I can't deal with the pressure,
19:10I'm just spraying on the ground.
19:11Who was the top of Twitter during England's first game?
19:14Ah, Philip Neville.
19:16Yes, it was Phil Neville.
19:17People were disappointed that he didn't have much charisma as a co-com...
19:21This is Phil Neville.
19:23He's not a byword...
19:24No-one before that was going,
19:25well, my dream dinner party.
19:27Well...
19:28Martin Luther King...
19:29Gandhi...
19:30Philip Neville.
19:32He's a very boring man.
19:33What do you expect?
19:34The thing is, I felt sorry for him, though,
19:36because, you know, basically,
19:37he wasn't as good a footballer as his brother Gary.
19:40He's not as good a commentator as his brother Gary.
19:43You feel if Phil Neville entered a Phil Neville look-alike competition...
19:48Gary would win that.
19:51The only person who thinks that Phil is better than Gary is Ed Miliband.
19:58And he trusted music.
19:59It doesn't mean an inspiring piece of music.
20:00The ITV music in particular is just a guy going,
20:03Brazil...
20:05And if they put the rest of the song out...
20:06It's like, it's a really good song.
20:08It's a really famous samba song, that one, with like...
20:11No, we don't want that.
20:12We just want the movie where you go, Brazil...
20:14And I'm like, I'm like, obviously, I love the Brazilian rhythms.
20:19Yes, obviously.
20:20Obviously, I look at you and I think,
20:21here's a man who loves Brazilian rhythms.
20:24I think Josh Ridicom, I think,
20:26the intoxicating samba rhythms of Brazil.
20:29We see you backstage, Josh,
20:30where you wear that giant, like, headdress that comes all the way out.
20:33And you're just in there going,
20:34Hey, what are we going to talk about in the show today?
20:36Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.
20:39Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.
20:41That cheeky little look in your face.
20:43I'm looking forward to when they watch this bit of the show
20:44and then get you in for the final.
20:46It's going to be brilliant, isn't it?
20:47You, Sam, bring across the ITV studio.
20:48If they flew me to Brazil for the final,
20:50I will wear the headdress.
20:51Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.
20:53Dun-dun-dun-dun.
20:54I think if we had a whip round with this studio audience, it could happen.
21:04I'll just go to the beach behind the ITV studios.
21:09I will not go. I will not go.
21:13It's a Polish beach.
21:16Carried on.
21:21Climbing up the glass window behind the BBC studio.
21:24Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam!
21:27Oh, yeah, I love that. How do we do that?
21:31In the football team, they had all their passport numbers revealed, didn't they?
21:35They got them given out. Apart from Wayne Rooney, who doesn't in fact need a passport anymore since he's been chipped.
21:41So...
21:48I feel sorry for him.
21:50Wayne Rooney could, half an hour ago, scored, like, a blistering hat-trick.
21:55And the greatest, most beloved man in the country.
21:58And we're here still peddling the old stereotype.
22:01He hasn't scored a hat-trick and then gone, I'm going to celebrate by watching my favourite show, Mock the Weeks.
22:07I've rigged up a whole satellite thing in the dressing room. Come on, guys, let's watch Mock the Week in the dressing room.
22:13Oh, what a result. I wonder, has the good news filtered through at home?
22:18What? Oh, come on.
22:21And next to him is Phil Neville going,
22:26Ed Miliband's joined them in the dressing room to celebrate.
22:29It's Nando's.
22:30You'd think the boss of Nando's, Ed Miliband, Phil Neville and Wayne Rooney are on a night out in Rio tonight, watching the show.
22:36Yeah, damn right.
22:37Our stock has never been higher.
22:39Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.
22:44At the end of that round, the boys are going to Josh, Sarah and Andy.
22:52Now we come to scenes we'd like to see, so if everyone could make their way over to the performance area, please.
22:57I'll read out this week's topics and then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
23:00OK, here we go. Our first subject is...
23:03Things you won't hear at the World Cup.
23:09No-one's guaranteed a star in this England team.
23:11The only thing that's nailed on is Wayne Rooney's hair.
23:17Oh, that was a horrible two-footed lunge,
23:20but it was the only way I could shut Phil Neville up.
23:23LAUGHTER
23:28And now our cameraman is going to pick out
23:30some other planer girls in the crowd.
23:35Let's have a look at possession.
23:37Yes, seven Colombians have been arrested for it.
23:40LAUGHTER
23:41Hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.
23:43This one side is doing it all the time.
23:45That's really unfair. I'm so sorry, right?
23:47You two, you're kind of hogging it a bit.
23:49So for the rest of the round, I'm sorry.
23:51I'm just going to have to.
23:52LAUGHTER
23:59Things you won't hear at the World Cup.
24:01Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun.
24:08Sorry, excuse me.
24:09It's the first time that most people
24:11have ever seen Dara's legs, ladies and gentlemen.
24:14LAUGHTER
24:17That's Messi. Oh, Messi!
24:20Yes, Wayne Rooney should never have a half-time orange unsupervised.
24:24LAUGHTER
24:27There's little doubt now that Cristiano Ronaldo
24:30is one of the world's all-time greatest twats.
24:34LAUGHTER
24:35Welcome to Sugarloaf Mountain, the hardest level on Candy Crush.
24:42LAUGHTER
24:45And that's a very soft tackle, as Pele hasn't taken his tablets yet.
24:49LAUGHTER
24:52Is he the finished article? That's the question.
24:54He did very well against Italy,
24:56but Sterling has traditionally performed very badly
24:58against the dollar and the yen.
25:01LAUGHTER
25:04And now we go over live for Nigeria against the Ivory Coast
25:08and our commentator, Ron Atkinson.
25:12LAUGHTER
25:17You join us here in Brazil where it's still fucking well up.
25:20LAUGHTER
25:24Hey, who's heard what's going on in Iraq?
25:27LAUGHTER
25:35There's six Brazilians in the wall and two in the foundations.
25:38That's the mafia for you.
25:40LAUGHTER
25:44Four years later, Paul the Octopus is back.
25:47And what a stew he made.
25:49LAUGHTER
25:51Andre Pierlo, the only player in world football
25:55to be named after the Palestinian Liberation Organisation.
25:59LAUGHTER
26:01There you go. OK.
26:03The next topic is...
26:05..unlightenings to hear on a cookery programme.
26:09No, no, no, that's a flower, Nigella.
26:12LAUGHTER
26:14You've got to be very careful when handling raw meat.
26:20But if your wife does walk in, close the laptop,
26:23pull up the trousers and feign ignorance.
26:26LAUGHTER
26:30The thing to remember when making your own pesto
26:32is you're wasting your time.
26:34LAUGHTER
26:36So, pop in a lemon, shove in the stuffing,
26:42sew up the mouth and let's you keep Greg Wallace quiet for a bit.
26:45LAUGHTER
26:50No, I'm afraid those aren't bacon bits.
26:51I've just got a bit of eczema at the moment.
26:53LAUGHTER
26:56If you add vodka into the tomatoes,
26:58it really brings out the flavour.
27:00And if you add it to your wine,
27:02you can pass out before the kids get home.
27:04LAUGHTER
27:07You should be able to get the ingredients for this anywhere.
27:10They are goat's horn, chervil, and the frozen tears of an elf.
27:14LAUGHTER
27:18I'm Anthony Ward-Thompson.
27:19Today we're going to be needing salmon, noodles and parsley.
27:23So I'm going to nip down to Tesco and shove them up my jumper.
27:26LAUGHTER
27:29That's enough cooking.
27:30Next up, we've got some twat trying to flog a book.
27:32LAUGHTER
27:33Mmm, does anyone know what's happening in Iraq?
27:40LAUGHTER
27:43Welcome to Chinese Meals in Minutes.
27:46I'll have a 19.
27:48LAUGHTER
27:49And some prawn crackers.
27:51APPLAUSE
27:52So, alternatively, it's Gas Mark 4 for 20 minutes.
27:58You're watching Dignitas Television.
28:01LAUGHTER
28:02This asparagus smells delicious.
28:07Now imagine what it tasted like when I ate it yesterday.
28:09LAUGHTER
28:11After MasterChef, Celebrity MasterChef, and MasterChef the Professionals.
28:18Now, it's MasterChef.
28:20The only five people in Britain who've not been on MasterChef.
28:24LAUGHTER
28:25LAUGHTER
28:26We'd like to apologise for the misprint in this week's Radio Times.
28:32Paul Hollywood is, in fact, a massive cook.
28:36LAUGHTER
28:38We only use the freshest ingredients, so this is Daisy, and this is a Stum Gum.
28:46LAUGHTER
28:47APPLAUSE
28:48OK, at the end of that, the points go to Rob, Drew and Barry!
28:53CHEERING
28:54CHEERING
28:55And that's the end of the show.
28:58This week's winners are Rob Beck and Hugh Denison, Gary Delaney!
29:02CHEERING
29:03Commiserations to Andy Parson, Sarah Pascoe, and Josh Ridicom.
29:08CHEERING
29:10I'm Gary Marine.
29:11Good night!
29:13CHEERING
29:15CHEERING
29:17JOE BELL
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