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00:00I
00:30Hello and welcome to Mock the Week. I'm Dara Breen. Joining me this week are Andy Parsons, Angela Barnes and Josh Widdicombe, Ramesh Ranganathan, Hugh Dennis and Myles Jupp.
00:52We start with a game called Picture of the Week. I show the panel a topical image and ask them to tell me what's happening.
00:59So, everybody, what's going on here?
01:03Is it the new series of Wife Swap?
01:07Is this what Life of Pi looked like before they added the CGI?
01:15Is this a gay couple showing Merkel and Cameron that did actually cause the flooding?
01:19I think he's more likely to be saying, so, we're agreed, three more days, then we eat Angelo.
01:29Is it simply dogging for posh people?
01:34Roll over to that one there.
01:36Hmm, you're doing an excellent job.
01:38Keep it going.
01:39Very good.
01:39We'll just tie up here.
01:41Well, you can't see his Farage on the shore side with his binoculars.
01:45She's going, it's a boatload of immigrants.
01:48I don't think they're trying to get into Britain.
01:52Are they saying, so, the rule is, if she sinks, she's a witch?
01:59Is she saying, David, this is neither the time nor the place to bring up the D-Day landings?
02:04Is it Dara Breen livid with the new cast for Three Men in a Boat?
02:13Trust you.
02:15To be honest, you know, lose a couple of pounds.
02:17I could be the guy there with his back here.
02:19A couple of pounds?
02:20All right.
02:21All right.
02:23Do it last.
02:24Yeah.
02:25Does anyone know what it actually is?
02:26I think this is the European leaders out on a boat trip discussing, um,
02:32this guy Jean-Claude Juncker's appointment as the president of the European Commission.
02:37Yeah, we'll give you that.
02:37Well done.
02:38Thank you very much.
02:38Surely you are.
02:43Yes, this is a picture of David Cameron lobbying European news to block the appointment of former
02:47Luxembourg PM Jean-Claude Juncker as the new president of the European Commission.
02:52Cameron continued his offensive this week, demanding an unprecedented vote on Juncker's nomination.
02:56The reason that we don't want him to be president is because he's a federalist,
02:59which are people who like Roger Federer.
03:04And their time has passed.
03:06Yeah, their time has opened.
03:08We're not interested.
03:09We're not engaged.
03:10I think they should combine the election of the leader of the European Commission with
03:14the Eurovision Song Contest.
03:17So...
03:17How is combining two things that we're not interested in, going to make you all more interested?
03:24I think this guy would make a terrific president of the EC.
03:27Or a bad one.
03:30I'd...
03:30I'd...
03:31I'd...
03:31I'd...
03:32It'd be difficult to make this both an interesting story and an interesting opening round.
03:37Hey everybody, finally the chance to do all those jokes you wanted to hear about the 19-year
03:42president of Luxembourg, Juncker Juncker.
03:44Yeah.
03:45Yeah, that's a little wanker.
03:46We're all good.
03:48Doesn't Cameron need a candidate to replace him, to say that Europe does love, like Mr.
03:55Bean or David Hasselhoff?
03:56Yes.
03:57Or Conchita Wurst.
03:59Yeah.
03:59Exactly.
04:00So he's a federalist and he comes from Luxembourg.
04:03Yeah.
04:03And we have nothing in common with Luxembourg, except possibly in the future, our FIFA ranking.
04:08Cameron is basically trying to be tough against UKIP, isn't he?
04:14He's going to try and show everybody that he's really tough.
04:16Because what happened, he made a mistake and he called UKIP, he said all their supporters
04:19were fruitcakes, loonies and closet racists.
04:23And then, loads of people actually went out, after he'd said that, and voted for UKIP.
04:28It was like he had described a large part of the British electorate.
04:32There is a party for me!
04:35Brilliant!
04:35Yeah!
04:37Do you think it's ridiculously?
04:39I mean, the reason UKIP did very well in the European election is because everybody's
04:42worried about immigration.
04:43And it's kind of, what I don't understand about that is why they think immigrants want
04:47to come here.
04:47It's like immigrants have looked on TripAdvisor for Britain and gone, oh yes, no, this looks
04:54good, yes, it's cold, it's wet, there's shit at football, let's go there.
04:59That was an incredible generic immigrant accident.
05:01It was very good, we weren't quite sure.
05:05A tiny bit of Nigeria, a tiny bit of the Indian subcontinent, it was amazing how you got
05:09them on.
05:10It detected a little Sioux son of Sri Lanka.
05:11It was a tiny little bit of meerkat.
05:16In other news, what has David Cameron claimed he can't get on holiday?
05:27This is the idea that he can't actually get mobile phone reception when he's on holiday
05:32in Cornwall.
05:33He said that he couldn't actually hear President Obama on the phone once.
05:37And you're thinking, surely that's just Obama, isn't it?
05:40going, oh, I can't be arsed to speak to Cameron, I'm losing you, David, I'm losing you, bye.
05:47It's a very kind of terrifying situation that World War Three could break out, but David Cameron
05:53would not know and be at the Penzance Otter Sanctuary.
05:56Shall we invade Iran, David, sorry, I'm at Trago Mills doing my shopping.
06:02Good West Country knowledge, that's excellent West Country knowledge.
06:05Have you been to Trago Mills?
06:06I've never been to Trago Mills.
06:08What is it, please?
06:09It is a shop.
06:11It's a shop halfway down the A38 that sells cheap carpets and sports equipment, and it's
06:18also made to look like a mock Tudor castle, and it has peacocks roaming the ground.
06:22Trago Mills sounds like a bad guy from a Bond movie.
06:27Yes.
06:28You have crossed me once too often, but you will rue the day you crossed Trago Mills.
06:33I have cheap carpets and conservatory furniture.
06:38I know that the point of this story is to strong arm mobile phone companies into sharing
06:45masks into a technical element, but it is a slightly ridiculous situation that if I walk
06:5110 feet, I'm suddenly out on all those times that Obama's ringing me, that I've got to
06:54return home, and the local shopkeeper goes, oh, you had a phone call, no phone, some Obama
07:01boat man, he said it was very sunny in Iraq.
07:06It shows you the different level of technology between the two countries.
07:10Obama's got Air Force One and the Beast, and Cameron has got a Samsung Galaxy.
07:15And we do think he got to the point where, like, you know, Nick Clegg finally thinks
07:20he's stepping up to the plate, like, Cameron's on the phone, listen, my phone reception is
07:24a nightmare, we've got an important situation, Nick, I need you to step up, I need you to
07:28do the right thing, can you get in touch with Vodafone and get this sorted out?
07:31Can Obama just call him on the landline?
07:36That does seem, you seem to have cut through the many levels of this story quite easily.
07:41I wonder if he's on holiday with his family, it might be that he doesn't want to give Obama
07:45the landline number in case his mum answers.
07:47Oh, mum, it's so embarrassing, he won't talk to me, not you.
07:50The honest truth is, Obama doesn't call him.
07:54And why does he want to take work calls when he's on holiday anyway?
07:58He's on holiday, for heaven's sake.
08:00Obama shouldn't be ringing him when he's on holiday, he should be more bloody respectful.
08:03And secondly, we don't want him to be answering work calls.
08:09When he's on holiday, he needs to relax and get himself into the right sort of state of
08:12mind for running the country.
08:13You don't want him to be sort of making important phone calls about policy at the same time
08:16as he's trying to prevent his children squeezing sun cream into the car radio or something.
08:19It does look like the most boring, I mean, I've been on some bad holidays, now if I've
08:24gone, well, what did we get up to?
08:26Sat with our back to the beach and enjoyed a bottle of water.
08:29It's actually a very exciting game they play, where they just sit there for hours and see
08:37which one tries to rehydrate themselves first.
08:39It would be magical.
08:44In other news, what has the government promised motorists this week?
08:47They've said that if your ticket machine is broken, then you can just park there.
08:53Which is basically going to lead to people getting to the ticket machine, seeing they've
08:56got no change, getting the baseball bat out the back of their car.
09:00I've got no change, but I do have a baseball bat.
09:02What sort of impulse purchase is that?
09:04Just a bar of chocolate peas.
09:06I don't know, are they baseball bat?
09:09I do think it is a weird strategy, because what you're saying is we're going to make
09:13it okay for you to park by a broken meter.
09:16So, you know, the solution seems to be fix the meters, do you know what I mean?
09:20Rather than make it okay to park next to broken ones.
09:23It's like saying, well, you know, all the trains are late and we know they never arrive,
09:27you know, when they're supposed to.
09:28So what we've decided to do, to tackle the problem, we've decided to abandon the concept
09:31of time.
09:32So...
09:33So...
09:34Nobody's ever going to be late for anything.
09:37Are you late, or are you not late, or are you simply never?
09:39Has it not arrived to you?
09:41Oh!
09:44At the information desk.
09:45I'm not sure you'll be able to help me.
09:46Oh, will I not be able to help you?
09:48I'm blowing your mind.
09:51Why has Pickles done this now?
09:53I reckon all that's happened is recently, Eric Pickles got a parking ticket when he was
09:56only ten minutes late, and he's thought, oh, I could do something about this.
10:00Do you know what he looks like there?
10:02He looks like Traygo Mills.
10:08You've crossed me for the last time, Mr Bond.
10:13His hat, rather weirdly, has got the face of an owl, if you're looking at it.
10:17By the way, an interesting related note, what did Labour promise for everyone this week
10:23on Twitter?
10:24Oh, owls.
10:25Owls.
10:26Genuinely owls.
10:27The Labour Twitter feed, they claim, got hacked with the words,
10:29everybody should have his own owls.
10:32This is...
10:33This is sinister.
10:34This is Traygo Mills.
10:37He's infiltrated both political parties at the same time.
10:40Well, I don't know.
10:41I think it's a...
10:42Giving birds a prey away, I think it's a quick fix, but it's not a long-term solution.
10:45LAUGHTER
10:47I'm just very sad.
10:48I live on my own.
10:49I was looking forward to getting an owl to talk to.
10:51All I've got is my Henry Hoover.
10:53LAUGHTER
10:54If you lived at home with an owl, you said, oh, just you and me now, owl,
10:58and then the owl just slowly turned its head away.
11:00LAUGHTER
11:02APPLAUSE
11:04OK.
11:06At the end of that round, the points go to Josh, Angela and Andy!
11:11CHEERING
11:12APPLAUSE
11:13Now, we play a round called Mock Them Up and Throw Away The Key.
11:18This game involves Ronish, Angela and Josh,
11:21so if you could make your way to the performance area, please.
11:23This round's our stand-up challenge.
11:25I launch the Wheel of News and wherever it chooses to stop,
11:27one of our performers must step forward and talk about that subject.
11:29OK, here we go.
11:30Let's spin the wheel.
11:33The first subject is food.
11:35Who wants to come in on that?
11:36Josh.
11:39I, er...
11:40I'm not a fan of people that are pretentious about food,
11:42the kind of people that pretend they like dark chocolate.
11:46LAUGHTER
11:48And by that, I mean anyone that claims to like dark chocolate,
11:50cos no-one actually likes dark chocolate.
11:52No-one's eating normal, nice milk chocolate going,
11:54well, this is good.
11:55But I wish it'd taste a bit more like paracetamol.
11:58LAUGHTER
11:59All this pretentious.
12:00I went into a cafe for breakfast the other day,
12:02one of the things they sold on the menu,
12:03toasted bread.
12:04That is called toast!
12:06LAUGHTER
12:08What are my other options?
12:09Flaked corn top with the juice of a milked cow?
12:11LAUGHTER
12:13LAUGHTER
12:15Maybe I don't know what people want from food.
12:17I was walking along the street the other day,
12:19a van went past on it and said,
12:20Waitrose, do you like your bananas green?
12:23And I thought, no.
12:26LAUGHTER
12:27Well, I'm not a huge fan of diarrhoea, no.
12:30LAUGHTER
12:31I don't like my bananas green for the same reason
12:33I don't like my chicken Kiev dangerously underdone.
12:36LAUGHTER
12:37But now you go into waitrose,
12:38all they've got is green bananas.
12:40You go, am I the only person that's ever bought a banana,
12:41cos they want to eat the banana?
12:43LAUGHTER
12:44Someone else go,
12:45I think I'll fancy a banana in about seven days.
12:47LAUGHTER
12:49Better go out and buy one now.
12:51Can you come out tonight, Steve?
12:53No, I've checked my diary, I'm eating a banana.
12:55LAUGHTER
12:56And all they do is sell them in bunches,
12:58so basically what I've got is no bananas for seven days,
13:01followed instantly by far too many bananas all at the same time.
13:05LAUGHTER
13:06Well done, John.
13:07APPLAUSE
13:11OK, let's have the next topic.
13:15Subject is health.
13:16Who wants to come in on that?
13:17Angela.
13:19Yeah, I am quite a sickly person.
13:21My own mother once said,
13:22Jesus, Angela, if you're a dog, they put you down.
13:25LAUGHTER
13:27I've got something called glue ear.
13:29I don't know if you know what glue ear is.
13:30It necessitates the wearing of grommets in your ears.
13:32Some people have grommets when they were a child.
13:34Child is the key word there.
13:36I'm 37, I've got grommets.
13:37I might as well have sodding nappy rash.
13:39LAUGHTER
13:40Even the word grommet is a cartoon character.
13:42You don't get that with adult procedures, do you?
13:44My grandmother, she's had a bilateral hip replacement.
13:46She hasn't had a double SpongeBob.
13:48LAUGHTER
13:49Grommets.
13:50And they're inconvenient as well.
13:51They're inconvenient because I love swimming.
13:53I can't get my ears wet.
13:54So I have to wear a swimming hat.
13:56My mum bought me a red one
13:58because she said it would just look like your hair.
14:00LAUGHTER
14:01It doesn't know I look like a Lego version of me.
14:03LAUGHTER
14:06And that's not even the worst of it.
14:08Twice a year, I have to attend something
14:10that's called the glue ear clinic,
14:12which takes place at my local children's hospital.
14:15LAUGHTER
14:17You have not known humiliation
14:18until you've been a 37-year-old woman
14:20sitting on a plastic toadstool
14:22picking for old Mr. Men comics,
14:24waiting for a nurse wearing a Peppa Pig apron
14:26to call your name.
14:27LAUGHTER
14:28Or ten sets of parents stare at you
14:29wondering where the hell your child is.
14:31LAUGHTER
14:32On the upside-down,
14:33I do have the world's largest collection
14:34of brave girl stickers,
14:35so it's not all bad.
14:36LAUGHTER
14:37One of the side effects of having glue ear
14:39is my eardrums burst quite frequently.
14:41Right?
14:42That's not pleasant.
14:43It's pussy.
14:44It's messy.
14:45It's oozy.
14:46It's bloody.
14:47It's horrible.
14:48It happens to me all the time.
14:49Happens to me once during sex.
14:50I know.
14:51Disgusting.
14:52Although it was quite entertaining
14:53when you look on the gentleman in question's face,
14:55as I saw him think to himself,
14:57oh, my God,
14:58I've actually shagged her brains out.
15:00LAUGHTER
15:02APPLAUSE
15:04APPLAUSE
15:06OK, that leads us with Romesh.
15:09Let's see what you've been left with.
15:10Let's spin the wheel.
15:12LAUGHTER
15:14LAUGHTER
15:15The topic is...
15:17The topic is animals.
15:24LAUGHTER
15:25I'm into animal rights, actually.
15:27I recently watched this film, Blackfish,
15:29which is about this killer whale
15:31that ate two of the trainers at Sea World,
15:34killed two of the members of staff at Sea World.
15:36It's an interesting film,
15:37but I do have some issues with it.
15:39You know, one of the things I say in the film is,
15:41we call them orcas.
15:44Some people call them killer whales,
15:45but these are beautiful, beautiful orcas.
15:47We call them orcas.
15:49This one killed two people.
15:51LAUGHTER
15:52That's a killer whale.
15:53LAUGHTER
15:54He lost the right to be called orca
15:56when he slaughtered two people.
15:58LAUGHTER
15:59People are surprised by what happened.
16:00People are surprised by what happened.
16:01They say, oh, my God, I can't believe...
16:02I can't believe what's happened at Sea World.
16:04I can't believe that one of the killer whales
16:06tried to eat one of the trainers.
16:08Listen, that's not a surprise.
16:09I'm a vegan, right?
16:11If you make me dance with a sausage on my nose
16:13for long enough,
16:14eventually I will try the bloody sausage, right?
16:17I don't think that's a surprise.
16:18LAUGHTER
16:20And the film is presenting obvious stuff.
16:22I was talking to an intelligent person about Blackfish.
16:24He said to me, I can't believe what's going on at Sea World.
16:26It's disgusting.
16:27I can't believe they kidnapped them from the wild.
16:29LAUGHTER
16:32How else did you think that they got them?
16:34Did you think there was some sort of recruitment drive?
16:37LAUGHTER
16:38And the thing is, you know,
16:39is they want to set this whale free.
16:41They want to set Tillicum free
16:42because he killed two people.
16:44Because he killed two people,
16:45they want to set him free.
16:46I mean, that's the opposite of crime and punishment, isn't it?
16:48I mean...
16:49People say, well, because he lives in such horrible conditions.
16:51Listen, people live in horrible conditions.
16:53We don't let them off for doing stuff.
16:55You don't say, oh, Derek here killed six people.
16:57We can't do anything about it
16:58because he lives in Hastings.
16:59LAUGHTER
17:02Thank you very much.
17:03Thank you very much.
17:04Thank you very much.
17:05I'm going to get a closer.
17:06Angela Barnes there.
17:07Everyone come back.
17:08Thank you very much.
17:09Next round is called.
17:10This is the answer.
17:11What is the question?
17:12On the board are six categories.
17:13Angela, which category would you like?
17:14I'd like home news, please, Dara.
17:16Home news.
17:17Ah, blessed break from sport.
17:18The answer is 56 years.
17:20What is the question?
17:22Is it how long does it currently take to get a UK passport?
17:25LAUGHTER
17:27Is it what the minimum prison centre should be
17:29for anybody that takes their shirt off in the summer?
17:32LAUGHTER
17:33I find it unacceptable.
17:34I remember, like, when there used to be hot days,
17:36my dad would open up the curtains first thing in the morning
17:38and say, er, the white people are going to get naked today.
17:41Is it how much did David Moyes age in his six months at Old Trafford?
17:54LAUGHTER
17:56How long would most blokes happily sleep in the same sheets for?
18:00LAUGHTER
18:02What does a two-minute match summary by Phil Neville feel like?
18:07LAUGHTER
18:08Is it how long has Prince Charles been thinking,
18:11oh, any day now?
18:13LAUGHTER
18:14LAUGHTER
18:17APPLAUSE
18:19Is it how long could I hold a poo in
18:23if I shared a flat with Oscar Pistorius?
18:26LAUGHTER
18:28LAUGHTER
18:29LAUGHTER
18:31LAUGHTER
18:33LAUGHTER
18:37I tell you what, that is the Flatshare sitcom I want to see.
18:41LAUGHTER
18:42How...
18:43How long would it take to collect sufficient owls
18:45for Labour to honour their manifesto?
18:48LAUGHTER
18:49Is it how long since England were last eliminated
18:51in the first round of the World Cup?
18:52Absolutely, thank you very much, Josh.
18:54Very good.
18:55APPLAUSE
18:58Yes, the answer I was looking for was,
19:00how long has it since England last failed to progress
19:02beyond the group stage of a World Cup?
19:04Were you surprised?
19:06No.
19:07Well, I mean, we didn't lose all our games, did we?
19:09I mean, I thought we managed a very creditable nil-nil draw...
19:13LAUGHTER
19:14..with the 2,500 to one outsiders.
19:16Yeah.
19:17So, you know, people said we had low expectations, didn't we?
19:20And then we all got disappointed when we were knocked out
19:22after two games.
19:23So, obviously, our expectations weren't quite low enough.
19:27LAUGHTER
19:28What was it, if the players as well, they didn't...
19:31Wayne Rooney said, er, that,
19:33if we'd won, we'd have gone through,
19:35and that's the main lesson to learn.
19:37LAUGHTER
19:38And you're going, if that's the main lesson to learn,
19:41we really need to go back to basics.
19:43LAUGHTER
19:44Well, they were Liverpool, though,
19:45and Liverpool had five England players
19:48in the Matchday team, didn't they?
19:50There was, er, Sterling, Sturridge, Johnson, Henderson and Gerrard,
19:54and, of course, Uruguay had two Liverpool players in the squad,
19:57Suarez and Gerrard again.
19:59LAUGHTER
20:01Very busy man, that day, wasn't he?
20:03Yeah.
20:04It's interesting, cos I'm finding out,
20:05now that England are out,
20:06I'm finding out about the backgrounds of all my friends,
20:08cos suddenly my friend the other day was suddenly,
20:10you know, well, actually, I'm half German,
20:11so I'll support Germany now.
20:13So you kept quiet about that on D-Day, didn't you?
20:15LAUGHTER
20:16LAUGHTER
20:17How old are you?
20:18LAUGHTER
20:19Didn't you?
20:20Gunter.
20:21Er...
20:22There's no doubt that it was an unfortunate thing
20:24to bring up on the boat.
20:25Er...
20:26I've actually just started pretending I'm Costa Rican.
20:28I-I-I-I-I will switch to whatever, er, I need to,
20:32you know.
20:33I-I-I-I...
20:34In the cricket, I'm very Sri Lankan, at the moment.
20:36Erm, I've...
20:37During the ashes, I pretended I was Aboriginal.
20:39Like, I-I-I don't care.
20:40I-I will go wherever the results take me.
20:43If I were Roy Hodgson now, I-I'd be a pundit, cos,
20:46like, he could be a pundit anywhere in the world,
20:47apparently he could speak five languages.
20:49Yeah.
20:50Roy Hodgson, which is literally five more than Phil Neville.
20:53LAUGHTER
20:54Roy Hodgson always looks like a man who'd be far happier
20:57inside eating soup.
20:59LAUGHTER
21:01What did, erm, a lot of England fans find enormously irritating
21:04immediately after the matches?
21:06The reality.
21:07Er...
21:08LAUGHTER
21:09It was an England footballer's doing adverts.
21:11Yes.
21:12Things like the Carlsberg Fan Squad advert.
21:14Yes, there was a series of other people found that there were
21:16complaints about, erm, you know, Joe Hart and his dandruff.
21:19Erm, which, luckily, he's still beaten.
21:22Good man, Joe, well done.
21:23Erm...
21:24Why does that-that-that company-I'm gonna give him the free ad.
21:26That company who does an anti-dandruff shampoo,
21:28which you all know, you say the words anti-dandruff shampoo,
21:30and bing, why do they even spend money?
21:32Who goes, hmm, maybe I'll have a competing anti-dandruff shampoo for my shampoo?
21:36Well, there's one company who makes it.
21:37Some of-some of us, Dara, are still worrying about dandruff.
21:40LAUGHTER
21:42It's an unusual put-down, isn't it?
21:46Er...
21:47LAUGHTER
21:48Because, on the one hand, zing, I'm bald.
21:52Er...
21:53But yet, on the other, you don't come out of it, like, a prince.
21:56It has to be said.
21:58LAUGHTER
21:59I'm not gonna write you, I didn't think it through.
22:01LAUGHTER
22:02Take that, bald man!
22:04LAUGHTER
22:07Oh, you social loser!
22:10LAUGHTER
22:11Er, yes, it has to be said that some of the England squad
22:13were probably not as well-known as others.
22:15It was a young squad, a new squad.
22:17I mean, for example, there was this range of commemorative mugs
22:19that was brought out and they were there on sale,
22:21and we're not making this up,
22:22and all the members of the squad,
22:23particularly Chris Smalling, the Manchester defender, er...
22:27LAUGHTER
22:29LAUGHTER
22:30I cannot believe they put Theo Walcott's picture on.
22:34LAUGHTER
22:36It's mortifying, isn't it, actually?
22:37Yeah.
22:38That's amazing.
22:39That's Smalling, and for reference, a picture of...
22:41I hope there's not a mix-up
22:43and Chris Smalling's now gonna have to be
22:44the President of the United States of America.
22:46LAUGHTER
22:47Well, what happens is, if a...
22:49He's gonna get a phone call from David Cameron going,
22:50I've got you...
22:51I've finally got some service.
22:52LAUGHTER
22:53I've finally got some service.
22:54What do we do about the Shia situation?
22:57Oh, I don't know.
22:58LAUGHTER
22:59There you go.
23:00In other news,
23:01what might we be sending out via smartphones next year?
23:04Oh, this is a good one.
23:05This is... smells.
23:06You can sell smells over your iPhone.
23:08Yes.
23:09It's brilliant, isn't it?
23:10If you fart in a meeting, you know,
23:12just blame your phone, you know.
23:14Oh, somebody sent me a farticon,
23:16I'll just turn that off, you know.
23:18LAUGHTER
23:19I'm gonna say it's gonna be great
23:20when Obama finally picks up the phone and goes,
23:21Dave, I can smell pasta, you in Tregal Mills.
23:24LAUGHTER
23:26We don't need it, do we?
23:27Like, it's this constant thing of, like,
23:29making things that nobody...
23:30Nobody is being on the phone or something,
23:33I'm going, do you know what would make this so much easier
23:34to understand what you're on about?
23:36If I could smell you.
23:37LAUGHTER
23:38There is a good use for it.
23:40For instance, if you're seriously into collecting your cheeses,
23:44you don't actually keep them in your own house,
23:46you keep them at someone who owns a cheeser,
23:48and you say, you know, you ring up and you say,
23:49how's my camembert doing?
23:50And he goes, well, I can let you know.
23:52And he goes and he calls it and he texts you,
23:54you know, where, you know,
23:55and you think, well, that needs another ten years,
23:56that sort of thing.
23:57LAUGHTER
23:58Do you genuinely phone up,
23:59do you genuinely check on your cheeses?
24:01No, mate, I'm improvising.
24:03LAUGHTER
24:04I don't know how...
24:05LAUGHTER
24:06I don't know how the other half lives!
24:08APPLAUSE
24:10APPLAUSE
24:11At the end of the round,
24:12the pose will be Josh, Andrew and Andy!
24:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
24:16APPLAUSE
24:18Now we come to scenes we'd like to see,
24:21so if everyone can make their way over
24:23to the performance area, please,
24:24I'll read out this week's topics,
24:26then we'll see what our panellists can come up with.
24:28OK, here we go.
24:29The first subject is...
24:32Unlikely things to hear in a school assembly.
24:35LAUGHTER
24:36It's your own time you're wasting,
24:38so please think twice about choosing media studies
24:41as an option.
24:42LAUGHTER
24:44APPLAUSE
24:46We are not involved in extremism,
24:49and any suggestion we are is deeply offensive
24:51to us all here at the jihadi death
24:53to the West Academy.
24:55LAUGHTER
24:56APPLAUSE
24:58Congratulations to the Year 7 football team,
25:01who beat England!
25:03LAUGHTER
25:04APPLAUSE
25:05There are two new girls in the school today,
25:10thanks to Louise in Year 9,
25:12who's just had twins.
25:13LAUGHTER
25:14APPLAUSE
25:15New school rule, from next term there will be running in the corridors,
25:21cos we've had to sell off the gym.
25:24LAUGHTER
25:25Just this morning we confiscated a bag of cannabis,
25:30and now we're asking all students to come forward if they've got Pringles.
25:33LAUGHTER
25:34APPLAUSE
25:36Good news for last year's Leavers.
25:40We have four at Durham, four at Edinburgh, four at Bristol,
25:43and you can't find a better selection of prisons than those.
25:47LAUGHTER
25:49APPLAUSE
25:51And now for Show and Tell,
25:53and here is Miles with his cheese collection.
25:56LAUGHTER
25:57Congratulations to the first eleven,
26:02who yesterday beat St Christopher's 37-0.
26:06St Christopher's is an intensive care unit,
26:09but nonetheless...
26:10LAUGHTER
26:11Well done.
26:12APPLAUSE
26:14Well, I'm really sad to be leaving you as your maths teacher.
26:20I've got no idea why I've been made redundant,
26:22because I've always felt that I've given 110%.
26:25LAUGHTER
26:27APPLAUSE
26:29Just a note for 5D,
26:32when I said that Thomas should be in a blazer,
26:34I didn't mean set him on fire.
26:37LAUGHTER
26:39APPLAUSE
26:41So, uh, Ofsted inspection this morning,
26:44so, uh, Berker's off.
26:46LAUGHTER
26:47APPLAUSE
26:49Now, I know today is No School Uniform Day, Barry,
26:53but we were hoping that you would wear something else.
26:56LAUGHTER
26:58APPLAUSE
27:00And now the register is the reason
27:03that Mr Smith cannot be here at the school today.
27:06LAUGHTER
27:08APPLAUSE
27:10So, if ever you feel the need to do drugs,
27:13have a word with the supply teacher.
27:16LAUGHTER
27:18OK, the next topic is...
27:20commercials that never made it to air.
27:23Come to Trago Mills!
27:26We've got peacocks and everything!
27:28LAUGHTER
27:30APPLAUSE
27:32We've got surprises in store.
27:35The escalator's broken and the staff know fuck all!
27:39LAUGHTER
27:41APPLAUSE
27:43Dignitas.
27:45It's not au revoir.
27:48LAUGHTER
27:50LAUGHTER
27:52LAUGHTER
27:54Have you had an accident that wasn't your fault
27:56and has ruined your life?
27:57Next time, use Durex.
27:59LAUGHTER
28:01APPLAUSE
28:03Try uniform dating,
28:05because with the way government cuts are going,
28:06pretty soon it could be the quickest way
28:08to get a policeman to your house in an emergency.
28:10LAUGHTER
28:12If you can find it cheaper anywhere else,
28:14tell us and we'll burn their shop down.
28:16LAUGHTER
28:18LAUGHTER
28:19The DFS sale has ended.
28:23LAUGHTER
28:24APPLAUSE
28:31Buy a little wine,
28:32because poor people shouldn't have to drink cider.
28:34LAUGHTER
28:38Stephen Gerrard drinks LucasAid.
28:40This has been a Red Bull commercial.
28:42LAUGHTER
28:44News International.
28:48When you talk, we listen.
28:51LAUGHTER
28:52LAUGHTER
28:53APPLAUSE
28:54To qualify for second meerkat toy,
28:59LAUGHTER
29:00Alexander has invaded Ukraine.
29:03LAUGHTER
29:05LAUGHTER
29:06APPLAUSE
29:07Milk.
29:09Try and forget it came out of a cow's tits.
29:12LAUGHTER
29:13LAUGHTER
29:16Have you booked Joe Hart to advertise your product?
29:19Have you paid for advertising space
29:21until the end of the World Cup?
29:22Then you may be entitled to compensation.
29:24LAUGHTER
29:26APPLAUSE
29:27At the end of the round,
29:28the points go to Josh, Angela and Andy!
29:30CHEERING
29:32APPLAUSE
29:34And that's the end of the show.
29:37This week's winners are Andy Parsons,
29:39Angela Barnes and Josh Riddicom.
29:41CHEERING
29:42And...
29:43CHEERING
29:44And...
29:45CHEERING
29:46And...
29:47CHEERING
29:48And...
29:49CHEERING
29:51I'm Daryl Green.
29:52Good night.
29:53CHEERING
29:54CHEERING
29:55And...
29:56APPLAUSE
30:00LAUGHTER
30:01Much of presentation.
30:02Let's face time.
30:03More face-to-face time.
30:05Less uncom...
30:06...
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