- 4 hours ago
Girl-shy Parker (Tim Conway) is assigned to train five beautiful nurses in judo and self-defense. With Ernest Borgnine and Joe Flynn.
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00:00Come on, Burge, what do you see?
00:06Yeah, man, give, give.
00:07Well, the way I see it, two brunettes, two redheads, and a blonde.
00:10I can't see a thing. My glasses keep steaming up.
00:13Well, then, hot breath will do it every time, Mr. Parker.
00:15You see, the trick is to inhale and hold it while you look.
00:17Oh.
00:18Thanks, group.
00:20What's with the Court of Master Liberty, boys? What's going on?
00:22Hey, take it, Lynn, yourself, Skip. A new batch of nurses just came in.
00:26Oh?
00:26Hey, it's about time somebody did something about beautifying the scenery around here.
00:32Hey, bite that little blonde, Skip.
00:34Boy, I'd sure like to share my foxhole with her.
00:40What about the rest of the pigeons, Skipper?
00:42Well, cold lead bottom doesn't catch you.
00:45It's open season, boys.
00:53Come on, Chuck, you better get moving.
00:54That blonde is naked there, you know.
00:56You better get to her before she starts drifting.
00:58Yeah, well, I was just waiting for the smoke to clear, Skip,
01:00before I fire her in the first shot.
01:01Hey.
01:01Hey, come on, let's see.
01:08Hmm.
01:09Oh, my God.
01:39Oh, my God.
02:09I thought you might need a little muscle with your gear.
02:13Oh, well, thank you very much, Mr. Parker.
02:15Um, Chuck.
02:18Well, Chuck, I'm Georgiana Comstock.
02:22Well, uh, welcome aboard, George.
02:25Georgiana.
02:26Oh, yeah, Georgiana.
02:27Yeah, well, if anybody doesn't look like a George, you sure don't.
02:30With, uh, well, uh, I'm going to get your leg.
02:33Here.
02:34Skip, uh, hold up the war, will you?
02:37Got a little lady to help out here.
02:38Couldn't we ride to the nurses' quarters?
02:52Huh?
02:52Oh, no, that's Captain Vance's...
02:54Jeep, Jeep.
02:56And, uh, well, uh, he'd have us in irons if he ever found out.
03:00But, uh, well, I guess it all comes under the spoils of war, so hop in.
03:06I'll just throw these up here for you.
03:25Hope you haven't got anything breakable in there.
03:31Well, here we go.
03:32Oh, boy, knock it off, as you were.
03:37Boy, if Captain Billington never hears that.
03:40That's not going to do any good.
03:42Try under the hood.
03:43Huh?
03:43The wires, the wires under the hood.
03:46Parker, what are you doing in my Jeep?
03:49Well, sir, I guess, right now, I'm trying to get out of the wheel.
03:52Well, get out of the wheel and turn that thing off, you dumb scowl.
03:55Right.
03:56Hurry up about it.
03:58Ah, you bad bitch.
04:00Get out.
04:01Hey, kid, look back there.
04:03Ha!
04:04Oh, no.
04:08Captain Wally Bingleton at your service, my dear.
04:11How do you do?
04:12How do you do?
04:13I'm Lieutenant Comstock, and this is all my fault.
04:16Oh, it's quite all right, Lieutenant.
04:17I'm only sorry I wasn't here to offer you the Jeep myself.
04:21Take yourself out the hood!
04:23I'm trying, sir.
04:26Here, let me help you, Chuck.
04:28Ah, thank you, my dear.
04:34Why couldn't you have done that?
04:36Well, I'm sure that he could have fixed it himself, Captain.
04:40Couldn't you, Chuck?
04:42Yeah, sure, Captain.
04:43It's very easy.
04:43All you gotta do is just loosen this little gizmo here.
04:45Look.
04:46Stand back.
04:54Ah, get back!
04:57Thank you!
04:57This just came in from Bingleton, Skip.
05:08Orders from Mr. Parker.
05:09Orders from Mr. Parker?
05:11I wonder if that gold-braided stuff shirt has up his mind.
05:16Oh, no.
05:18What is it, Skip?
05:19Did he really clobber, Mr. Parker?
05:20Now, lead bottom's just getting even for that oil bath.
05:23Hey, listen to this.
05:24Ensign Charles Parker to report to the main base to be the officer in charge of basic training for the new nurses.
05:32You're kidding.
05:33You mean instead of getting 30 days, he gets to get all those dames?
05:36Have you ever stopped to think about Mr. Parker's morale, huh?
05:39It's just like being taken out of action and told, go sit with the girls.
05:43Well, I know who to do for my morale, Skip.
05:45Boom, boom, boom.
05:47Boom, hot lips.
05:48All right, listen to me, boys.
05:50This is what we're going to do.
05:52We got to build up this assignment.
05:54We got to make him believe that this assignment is his second only to McCarthy.
05:58You got it?
05:59And we build it up big, you understand?
06:01And loud.
06:02All right, here we go.
06:03Hey, Chuck, front and center.
06:09You mean Mr. Parker got the job?
06:11I thought it was a toss-up between Halsey and Nimitz.
06:14The Secretary of the Navy asked for him?
06:16Yes, sir.
06:16Great for Mr. Parker.
06:18What's up, Skip?
06:20Oh, hi, Chuck.
06:20Listen, you got a new assignment in addition to your regular orders.
06:24Here, congratulations, buddy.
06:26Me?
06:26What the?
06:28Give basic training to girls.
06:31Oh, well, now, now, now, this is a pretty top-level job now, Chuck.
06:33You know, anybody can toughen up a bunch of guys,
06:36but it takes a special type of he-man to make a soft little girl into a hard combat trained nurse.
06:44Yes, sir.
06:44Guts.
06:45That's what you need.
06:46Guts.
06:47Guts.
06:47That's right, and that's an awful lot of responsibility to put on a man's shoulders, you betcha.
06:51Well, here.
06:52Here, look at this.
06:53First assignment for tomorrow.
06:54Judo and self-defense.
06:56Now, that's rough.
06:57That's rough.
06:58That's rough.
07:01Well, it is, boy.
07:02Well, I guess if the job has to be done, it might as well be done by me, huh, Skip?
07:06Boy.
07:07Hey, now Georgiana will see the other side of me.
07:09The hardest-nails fighting man.
07:11Only me, Paco-san.
07:15Yeah, well, I knew it was him all along.
07:18I was just showing you guys I'm ready to swing into action at any time.
07:21See that?
07:22Always alert.
07:25Always on balance.
07:26Make sure that nobody comes in from behind.
07:29Ha-ha.
07:33Hey.
07:33Okay, that's all to demonstrate for today.
07:39The class is over.
07:44All right, now, men.
07:46Uh, girls.
07:48Uh, as you know, we are in a combat zone.
07:53Now, it is my job to check out the shapes that you're in.
07:57I mean, it's my job to make sure that you're in good shape.
08:02Catch her.
08:02Carry on, at ease.
08:04Right.
08:05At ease.
08:07Uh, at ease.
08:10I am at ease.
08:13She is at ease.
08:14Get on with it.
08:15Yes, sir.
08:16Get on with it.
08:18Uh, now, lieutenants, I am going to show you how to properly defend yourself
08:24by giving you a demonstration in the highly technical art of jiu-jitsu.
08:31Now, could I have a volunteer, please?
08:36Um, Lieutenant Comstock, front and center.
08:39Now, the idea is to offset your enemy with a simple yet skillful maneuver.
08:45Uh, for instance, taking the forearm and...
08:49Now, if you'll just pretend that you're the enemy and grab me from behind, I'll demonstrate
08:56my technique.
08:57Now, the enemy sneaks up on me, and when he grabs me, oh, no, you should have used all
09:04your...
09:05Chuck, I'm sorry, but you said to.
09:13That's perfectly all right, Lieutenant.
09:15The ensign is capable of taking care of himself.
09:18Parker, you numbskull.
09:20You're supposed to be showing them how it's done.
09:22Well, I'm sorry, sir.
09:22I guess my leverage was a little off.
09:24I shouldn't...
09:24Your leverage is off.
09:25Your pea brain is off.
09:27Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop.
09:32Well, I guess I got my leverage back, sir.
09:34Why me?
09:44Why is it always me?
09:49Chuck!
09:50Hey, Chuck!
09:51Hey, Chuck!
09:52Hey, Chuck, you got a mister, boy.
09:54Georgiana came all the way over here just to see you.
09:56Georgiana?
09:57Yeah.
09:57Boy, if it's anybody I don't want to see, it's her.
09:59Oh, now, come on, Chuck.
10:01I think you're being overly sensitive about the whole thing.
10:04Overly sensitive?
10:05Let's face it, Skip.
10:06The girl I tried to impress is a better man than I am.
10:09For the tenth time, I'm telling you, it was a lucky throw.
10:12It could have happened to anybody.
10:14That's what she came over here to tell you.
10:16No kidding.
10:17Yeah, it was a lucky throw, that's all.
10:20Hey, you know, maybe you're right, Skip.
10:22I bet you in a fair fight, I could have taken her two out of three falls.
10:24Well, of course you could, slugger.
10:26Now, come on.
10:27You're the executive officer of PT-73, and she's just a puny little nurse.
10:32So, come on, boy.
10:33Get squared away.
10:35Plot your course.
10:36Yes, sir.
10:37Start your engines up anchor.
10:40Chill if I kind of talk.
10:47Well, Lieutenant, Edson, the place is yours.
10:52Why don't you show around, Chuck?
10:54Show around.
10:55Yeah.
10:56Oh, well, we'll see you later.
10:58You go ahead now.
10:59All right, come on, boys.
11:01Let's go.
11:03Come on, will you?
11:03Let's go.
11:04Come on, will you, Moe?
11:06Let's go.
11:06Let's get out of here.
11:07Well, I just thought it might be of interest for you to see how we combat men live.
11:13Oh, it is.
11:14It is.
11:15Well, this might be a point of interest.
11:18This is a .50 caliber machine gun.
11:20Oh, and this is an anti-aircraft gun emplacement.
11:25Oh, and that's a Japanese Zero.
11:28I'll see when they attack.
11:29Japanese Zero!
11:31They seek attack!
11:32How about it?
11:33Take cover!
11:39All right, it's jammed.
11:41You stay down.
11:41I'm going to try and get some guns in the boat.
11:43Hey, you shot down that Zero.
12:03I didn't mean to.
12:05I'm sorry, honest.
12:07Hey, good shooting, Mr. Park.
12:08Congratulations, Chuck.
12:11I'm proud of you, boy.
12:13Don't congratulate me.
12:14She did it.
12:21Hey, Skip.
12:22Ah?
12:23Skipper?
12:24He did it.
12:25Mr. Parker put in for a transfer.
12:26He what?
12:27Who'd you hear found that carbon copy on his desk?
12:30Oh, this is just great.
12:32Do you guys realize what'll happen to Chuck if he transfers out?
12:35We know.
12:36Without us to look after Mr. Parker...
12:38Oh, stop.
12:38It's too horrible to even think of.
12:40We've got to get him to change his mind and fast.
12:43But how?
12:46How, how, how, how, how, how, how, how?
12:51How?
12:53Georgiana!
12:54Skip, have you flipped?
12:59Why?
13:00Why in the name of Nimitz would Parker put in for a transfer?
13:04I don't know, sir.
13:05He just asked me to give it to you.
13:07I don't know, sir.
13:08He just asked me to give it to you.
13:09Does it smell fishy to you?
13:12It smells more like beer to me, sir.
13:15Oh, I did have one with my lunch, but I don't see what...
13:17Oh, never mind a beer.
13:20I tell you, I don't like this.
13:21For one year, I've been trying to break up that gang of pirates, and then all of a sudden, very politely, one of them walks in here and asks to leave.
13:29Now, why?
13:30Why is that?
13:31Why is McHale going in the hospital?
13:36I don't know, sir.
13:37I don't know, sir.
13:38Don't you know anything?
13:39Find out what it's all about.
13:41It might have something to do with this transfer.
13:42I want to know what they're plotting.
13:44Yes, sir.
13:44Wally, if I didn't have you on my side, I don't know what I'd do.
13:55So remember, honey, all you got to do is make like Little Miss Helpless, huh?
14:02Then when the boys come in for the big finale, dressed up like wild and woolly headhunters, you scream, they run off, and you make like Chuck's a big hero for saving your life.
14:11You got it?
14:12It sounds like a wild and woolly plan, all right.
14:15I only hope it works.
14:16It will, if you don't forget one thing.
14:19What's that?
14:19Well, this time, whatever happens, just make sure that he's Tarzan and you Jane, huh?
14:28Come on.
14:32Well, that's about all except that.
14:34Are you sure you'll be able to make it now?
14:36Oh, I'll be down at your boat no matter what.
14:37Okay, and we'll sneak you aboard, and it's off to Palliloa.
14:40See you later.
14:41All right.
14:47What do you think you're doing, sir?
14:48I got it.
14:58Chuck!
14:59Chuck, come on, boy.
15:00It's a scramble.
15:00We got a mission.
15:01I'm afraid you're going to have to go without me, Skip.
15:03I'll put him for a transfer.
15:04Yeah, well, I heard all about that.
15:05Until your transfer comes through, you're still part of my crew.
15:08Now, come on.
15:08Get moving.
15:09Let's go.
15:09Oh, no.
15:19Oh, come on.
15:20Now, believe that.
15:21There's an epidemic on one of the islands, and they put an emergency call for a nurse.
15:24So, come on.
15:24Climb on board.
15:25On the double.
15:26All right.
15:27Let's go forward.
15:27Let's go.
15:28Take care.
15:29Get us out of here.
15:33Captain Binghamton.
15:34Captain Binghamton, sir.
15:35Hi, Captain Binghamton.
15:36Remember?
15:37Oh, yes.
15:37The latter carpenter.
15:38Did they raid the slumber party?
15:40Sir, they put me out of the hospital.
15:41They thought there was something wrong with my head, sir.
15:43Is that what they thought?
15:44Well, there's going to be something wrong with your head if you don't have news for me about
15:47McHale.
15:48Oh, I found out what they're up to.
15:49All right, sir.
15:50Nurse Comstock is sneaking off with Commander McHale on his crew, sir.
15:53They're sneaking off to Pallilo Island.
15:55Hmm.
15:56And the request for a transfer by Parker was just a smokescreen, huh?
15:59They're off on some orgy.
16:01That's right, sir.
16:02Isn't it terrible?
16:02Terrible?
16:03What are you talking about?
16:03It's wonderful.
16:04It's wonderful.
16:05Finally got that rat pack.
16:06Carpenter, get my boat.
16:08We've got a party to crash.
16:10Yes, sir.
16:10So, and Carpenter, put on your party things, would you?
16:13All right, steady as she goes, Christy.
16:21Now, that's Palliloa that we're approaching.
16:29Ah, I got a little cramp on my foot.
16:31Condition red.
16:32Condition red.
16:33Complete reports of enemy 70, sir.
16:35Battle stations.
16:37We got a bandit, boys.
16:38Battle stations.
16:40All right, you heard it.
16:40Skip battles.
16:41Stations.
16:42Well, what about me?
16:44Oh, we've got orders to put the lieutenant ashore, Skip.
16:47By golly, that's right.
16:48We can't take a lady into combat.
16:50Christy, head for the beach.
16:51All right, prepare to launch the life craft.
16:54All right, you heard it.
16:55Christy, head her in there.
16:56Prepare to launch the life craft.
16:57I want you to take good care of the place.
17:02Come on now, honey.
17:03Over you go.
17:03Easy does it.
17:04There you go.
17:05Okay.
17:06Skip, what about that sub?
17:08No, no, no.
17:08Look, boy, you're the only one I can trust to protect the watch.
17:11Well, we're gone.
17:12So, come on now.
17:12Over you go.
17:13Let's get alone on an island with her.
17:14Oh, no.
17:15Look, ours is not the question why.
17:17Ours is just getting a wrap with the lieutenant.
17:20Will you?
17:20Come on.
17:21Let's go.
17:21Chuck, I'm so frightened.
17:33Please stay close to me.
17:34You frightened?
17:36Yes.
17:36Here we are all alone on a strange island out in the middle of nowhere.
17:40Thank goodness you're here to defend me.
17:43Oh, Chuck, help.
18:08Oh, what's wrong?
18:10Oh, well, I think I sprayed my ankle or something.
18:13Oh, but you'll fix it, won't you, Chuck?
18:17Me?
18:18Well, I'm not the medics.
18:19You're a nurse.
18:20Well, yes.
18:21Yes, I know.
18:21But I'm all upset and nervous.
18:23I just can't think of what to do.
18:26And you're so calm and cool.
18:28Well, now, if we both stay calm, maybe we can think of something else.
18:31Oh, there.
18:32Now, why didn't I think of that, Chuck?
18:34You are just wonderful.
18:36Think of what?
18:37Well, the way you thought to use that handkerchief to tie up my ankle.
18:41I did.
18:42I did.
18:42Yeah, I thought.
18:44Sit up here.
18:45I'll...
18:45Oh.
18:47Oh.
18:48How I thought of that?
18:49Which one is it?
18:50It doesn't matter.
18:51The right one.
18:53Oh, Chuck.
18:54Oh.
18:55Oh, that's one.
18:56Oh.
18:57Oh, Chuck.
18:59We're not.
18:59Oh, I don't think.
19:01We're almost back from where we dropped them off.
19:08Yeah, I know.
19:09I'll kill your engines.
19:10We'll drift in.
19:12All right, you headhunters.
19:13Come on, boys.
19:14You're going out in about five minutes.
19:17Kick or treat.
19:18Anyone for people burgers?
19:20Come on, now.
19:20Get moving.
19:21When you're Georgian will be waiting for you.
19:23Skip, we've got company.
19:28Oh, no.
19:29Binghamton.
19:30Now, how do you know where we are?
19:32See you around, guys.
19:33You're going to see a man about a shrunken head.
19:43Uh, Captain?
19:44Oh, McHale.
19:45I really got you and your saltwater tramps this time.
19:48Did you find that girl, carpenter?
19:50No, sir.
19:51But, sir, look what I did find.
19:52Come on.
19:52What in the blazes are they dressed for now?
20:00I've seen everything.
20:02Those are their costumes, sir.
20:03Yes, sir.
20:05They're rehearsing for the car tube of bollies.
20:08Yes, sir.
20:08Rehearsing out here in the middle of the Pacific?
20:11Uh-huh.
20:12We don't want anyone stealing our routines, Captain.
20:14Oh, my dear old swanny.
20:22Swanny.
20:23Swanny.
20:23Now, cut that out.
20:25McHale, this is one folly of yours that is going to have a guaranteed run in about 20 years,
20:30I would say.
20:31Now, where's the girl?
20:33McHale, are you there?
20:36Oh, my ankle.
20:39Oh, Chuck, you did it.
20:41You found us food.
20:43Oh, I wish I could have seen you climbing that tree just to get some food for little me.
20:49Going higher and higher and higher.
20:52I picked these off the ground.
20:54I don't know if I can get them open now.
20:55Well, they're, uh, tough little babies, but if you pull them just right, you can...
21:01Sometimes if you...
21:09Don't worry, I'll get them open for us.
21:17Oh, what's that over there?
21:19What?
21:20Oh, look, look, look.
21:21See, the leaves are still moving.
21:22Oh, it's probably the skipper coming back.
21:24Hey, Skip!
21:24We're over here.
21:26Hey, you guys!
21:28Oh, there it is again!
21:30Oh, Chuck, I see them!
21:31Oh, they're all horrible.
21:32I painted the head on their throat to protect me!
21:37Well, don't lose your head.
21:38I mean, lose your head and your feet, ready to go.
21:40All right, guys!
21:42Come out!
21:43Oh!
21:43Oh, they're all around us.
21:44They're over there!
21:46Okay, you guys!
21:48Come on!
21:48I got you covered!
21:49Where'd you see?
21:50I got you!
21:50Chuck, I was just trying to help you.
21:57Boy, have I ever been a pri-sap.
22:00Well, go ahead, admit it.
22:01This whole thing's a big frame-up to make me look like a big man.
22:04Chuck, you are a big man.
22:07Yeah, sure.
22:08I bet you didn't even hurt your ankle, either.
22:09And I bet you that the Skip and the whole crew are in on this thing.
22:13Chuck, look out!
22:13Japanese!
22:14Oh, you think you're playing with kids?
22:17You think you know Tinker and Happy dressed up in some of Gruber's old souvenir uniforms?
22:21They're real.
22:23Do something.
22:24Oh, sure.
22:24All right, come on, you guys.
22:25The show's over.
22:26Now, look, Georgiana, I got just about a...
22:28Ow!
22:31I said cut it out and you can cut out that phony double-talk.
22:34I tell you, they're real!
22:35Oh, sure.
22:36Don't you think I know a real Japanese when I see one?
22:40When I see one?
22:40All right, guys, stand back.
22:44Now, I mean it, I got you covered.
22:46Okay, stand back now, you guys.
22:48I'm warning you.
22:51All I want to, can we talk this over, you guys?
23:09Chuck!
23:09Chuck!
23:10Chuck, are you all right?
23:12What happened?
23:13Oh, this is horrible.
23:14I thought that they were going to kill you, so I mean you.
23:17Yes, yes, you, Chuck.
23:18Oh, you were just wonderful.
23:20You knocked out those two Japanese.
23:22I did?
23:23I mean, you did.
23:24Boy, how about that?
23:26Did you see me?
23:27I think I'm going to say.
23:31Isn't that just like a woman?
23:32They'll do it every time.
23:40Now, Captain, before you go any further, sir, let me explain.
23:44Oh, explain.
23:45McHale, you couldn't wiggle out of this one if you put on a grass skirt and did a hula.
23:51Oh.
23:56Hey, boy, did you guys ever miss the action?
23:58Hi, Skip.
23:58Hi.
24:00Hi, Captain.
24:01Who are these Japanese?
24:02Oh, well, we found them up in the hill.
24:04Those guys are the spotters that the whole fleet's been looking for.
24:07Good work, Chuck.
24:08Hey, what happened to Georgiana?
24:09Oh, she's going to be all right.
24:11She just fainted.
24:11You know how women are.
24:13Oh, I don't know how women are.
24:15What's she doing here in the first place?
24:16Now, I want the whole truth.
24:18Oh, the truth.
24:19Yes, sir, the truth.
24:20Well, you see, we used her as a decoy.
24:22That's it.
24:22To flush out the nips.
24:24We better get going, Captain.
24:26These prisoners have to be delivered to complete.
24:28Yes, sir.
24:28You better get your prisoners moving.
24:29I don't understand this, but I'm not going to argue in front of foreigners.
24:34After you, Captain.
24:35All right, there you go.
24:36Come on, let's go.
24:38There, Chuck.
24:39You need any help, Pat?
24:40No, I can manage you.
24:41Oh, huh.
24:45Oh, what a man.
24:47What a man, eh, boys?
24:48Peace!
25:18The End
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24:01
25:33
25:23
25:36
25:33
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