- 1 day ago
Tv, Only Fools And Horses S02E8 1982 - Diamonds Are For Heather
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00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:05I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:09Cause if you are the best ones
00:12But you don't ask questions
00:14Then brother, I'm your man
00:17Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:21It's like the changing of the seasons
00:23And the tides of the sea
00:25But is the one which drives me bizarre
00:29Why do only foes and horses work?
00:32La la la la, la la la la, la la la la
00:59Yeah, old boy.
01:00Yeah, I wish you could say the same about this chicken.
01:02What's the matter with it? Tough?
01:04Tough? Tough is the toughest chicken I've ever known.
01:07He's asked me for a fight in a car park twice.
01:10All right, come on, what's upset you?
01:13No, don't worry about me, Rodney.
01:15I'm not worried about you.
01:17I'm worried about the fibre I spent on this ticket.
01:19I thought we'd be enjoying ourselves, you know.
01:21What's the matter?
01:23It's just that I went round to Lenny Morris' little kid's christening today, you know.
01:27And there was just this fantastic atmosphere in his front room.
01:31You know, his mum and dad were there and his wife and his little baby.
01:35And I thought, you know, he's got all his family round him.
01:39He's got a real family.
01:42And what have I got?
01:43You got us.
01:45Yeah, I thought of that.
01:47That is when I left.
01:50You know that rich bird what he's been seeing lately, her with the nose?
01:54Well, she's just giving the whole Evo.
01:56Oh, no.
01:58Oh, well, that explains it, doesn't it?
02:00Del had high hopes of selling some gear to her.
02:02What sort of gear?
02:03Well, her dad left her a chain of laundrettes in his will, right?
02:06Del's gone and lumbered himself with two tonne of hooky purse silk.
02:10Why, don't you say nothing, Rodney.
02:12You told me in confidence.
02:14No, no, of course not.
02:15Right, here you are, come on.
02:16Get somebody's gut rocked down your neck.
02:18Oh, come on, Del, cheer up, eh?
02:22I'll tell you what, let's have a family sing song like any old days, eh?
02:25Yeah, all right.
02:26All right, come on and go on, Rodney.
02:27Start us off.
02:28Yeah, right.
02:28All together, we're going to hang out the washing on the same green light.
02:33Hey, Enrico, Enrico, come here a minute, will you?
02:43Si, senor.
02:44Listen, do us a favour, will you?
02:46Sing old Shep for me, will you?
02:48I'll leave it out, Del, not old Shep again.
02:51We're trying to enjoy ourselves.
02:52You can't enjoy yourself with a song about a dead dog.
02:58Sing old Shep.
02:59Senor, it's not possible to sing the old Shep song.
03:05It is, how do you say, the tragic song.
03:08It makes the tears fall from the eyes.
03:10Go on, sing old Shep.
03:14Look, leave it out, will you, Del boy?
03:16I've got a living to earn.
03:19That's a killer of a song.
03:21Once I've sung that, the evening's finished.
03:24Look, I'll sing another song for you.
03:27Hey, any other song.
03:29But no way do I sing, old Shep.
03:37Sing old Shep.
03:39When I was a lad, an old Shep was a bum.
03:49For the hill and the hill we rode.
03:56Just a boy and his bum.
04:00We were just full of fun.
04:03We grew up together that way.
04:12But if dogs have a heaven, there's one thing I know.
04:19Oh, Shep has a wonderful home.
04:28That is my most favourite song about a dog, that is, you know?
04:46Yeah.
04:46I mean, that song's about dead dogs go.
04:48It's a real mind-bender, isn't it?
04:51The only trouble is nobody likes it.
04:53Say, do.
04:54Say, do I like it?
04:55And that young lady over there, she likes it?
04:57Excuse me, gentlemen.
05:04I think I've got a cultural encounter coming on.
05:07Tell, tell.
05:08While you're over there, ask your cultural encounter if she's all right for Purcell.
05:12Good evening.
05:24Oh, hello.
05:24Do you mind if I park my bot?
05:26No, please.
05:27A drink?
05:28No, thank you.
05:30Well, that was...
05:31Oh, sorry.
05:33That was a lovely song, that, ain't it?
05:35Beautiful, eh?
05:35Always gets me right here, that does, yes.
05:38Always brings back such poignant memories.
05:41Did you have an old dog?
05:43Oh, I've had many old dogs in my time.
05:47Sorry, what did you say your name was?
05:50Hever.
05:50Hever, that's a beautiful name, that, isn't it?
05:52Hever.
05:53It's one of my most favourite names there, Hever.
05:56My name is Del.
05:57It's short for Derek.
06:00Do you know what the word Derek means?
06:03No, I don't.
06:04No, nor do I.
06:05I'm always meaning to check it out.
06:07I'm very surprised to see a charming young lady like yourself here on the run.
06:11Well, I'm supposed to be meeting someone here.
06:15Girlfriend.
06:16But she doesn't seem to have shown up, so I was just about to leave.
06:19Well, don't blame you.
06:20Now he's sung that song, it's stone dead in here, ain't it, eh?
06:23Listen, I hope you don't think I'm being fooled or nothing,
06:25but I just wondered if you fancied going on for a drink in a little nightclub that I know.
06:29Well, I'm not sure.
06:31He's getting home in early hours.
06:32Well, there's no bother, no.
06:33I can always drop you off.
06:34You know, do you live local?
06:35Brixton.
06:36Oh, Brixton.
06:37Do you really?
06:37Oh, that's funny, that is.
06:39Funny I haven't seen you before, because I do a lot of work down there, you know, in Rourke's Drift.
06:43What line are you in?
06:46Um, I'm an importer-exporter of quality merchandise.
06:55You know, antiques, that sort of thing.
06:57I tend to specialise in Parisian haute couture fashion, you know, and special objet d'art, modern works of art.
07:05Sounds fascinating.
07:06Oh, yes, it is.
07:07Oh, yeah, yeah.
07:08I tell you what, if you're interested, I've got some very cheap washing powder.
07:15Oh, straight.
07:17Great.
07:19Yeah.
07:24I'm sorry about the line.
07:26What?
07:27Landlord took the bulb out.
07:30He says he's doing his bit to conserve world energy.
07:34It's a rare combination, isn't it?
07:35A rain collector and a friend of the earth.
07:38Well, mine is set.
07:40Oh!
07:44Well, this is it.
07:47I told you it wasn't much of a flat, didn't I?
07:49Well, I don't know.
07:50It could be worse.
07:51Oh, yeah?
07:52How?
07:53Could have been on the top floor.
07:54Well, it's been on the top floor.
07:54C'est vrai français, moi non glacé.
08:08What does it say in France?
08:09Oh, true, very true.
08:14I didn't hear you come in.
08:16Sorry I'm late, love.
08:17Del took me on to a nightclub.
08:20Bye, Stelman.
08:21It's only being friendly, John.
08:23You know what I mean?
08:29Oh, Del, let me introduce you.
08:31This is Brian.
08:33Brian lives downstairs.
08:35He's my babysitter.
08:39Oh, well, I'm pleased to meet you, Brian.
08:42Nice to meet you, too.
08:44Well, I won't stop.
08:47I've got some studying to catch up on.
08:49Brian goes away to university soon.
08:51Oh, you're a bit long in the tooth for that sort of lark, aren't you?
08:56I'm a mature student.
08:57Oh, go on.
08:58He and my brother went to university.
09:00Oh, really?
09:01What was he reading?
09:02God knows.
09:03Mayfair and Penthouse knowing him.
09:06Yes, I see.
09:07Well, I really must be going.
09:08See you in the week, Heather.
09:09Bye for now.
09:10Thanks for looking after the place, Brian.
09:12Hope you didn't get on your nerves too much.
09:15No, no, no, no.
09:16I've got to get used to people like him.
09:21No, I meant the baby.
09:22Oh, sorry.
09:24No, no, no.
09:25He was as good as gold.
09:27Bye for now.
09:28Bye.
09:29Mind the step.
09:31Yes, didn't know you had a baby.
09:33Well, he's not a baby anymore.
09:34He's nearly three and a half.
09:36There's a picture of him on the mantelpiece.
09:38Blimey, he's a big lad for his age, isn't he?
09:43No, that's Vic, my husband.
09:45Oh.
09:45That's Darren.
09:46Oh, of course.
09:47He's a little cracker, isn't he, eh?
09:50Here.
09:51Where's your husband these days?
09:52I don't know.
09:54And I don't particularly care.
09:56He walked out of here one morning,
09:58said he was popping down the job centre to sign on.
10:01That was 18 months ago.
10:02Well, the way things are, he could still be queuing.
10:04Do you know, when we got engaged,
10:09Vic had a straight choice
10:11between going on holiday with his mates
10:13or buying me an engagement ring.
10:16Did he send you a postcard?
10:18Like hell he did.
10:19Vic looked after number one.
10:21I don't think he was ever meant to be married.
10:24Couldn't face the responsibility.
10:26I used to say to him, Vic,
10:28I used to say, you've got a baby now, Vic.
10:31Isn't it time you sorted yourself out and...
10:34Oh, God.
10:36I'm sorry, Del.
10:38There's nothing worse than having your ear bent
10:40by somebody else's problems.
10:42I'm just tired.
10:44Yeah, well, I'd better be off.
10:46I've got an early call in the morning.
10:49Yeah, I've got to get down to, uh...
10:51I've got to get down to Peckham by 7.
10:53Pick up a consignment of fire-damaged walks.
10:58LAUGHTER
10:59Anyway, I'll be finished by about 10.
11:02I just wondered whether you might fancy going out for the day somewhere,
11:04you know, having a spot of lunch, something like that.
11:06Oh, yeah, I'd love to.
11:07I'll see if Brian will babysit again.
11:09No, no, no.
11:10I mean, you know, you and the boy.
11:12Oh, are you sure?
11:13Yeah.
11:14Most men don't want to know when they find you've got a baby.
11:17Yeah, well, I'm not most men, have I?
11:20LAUGHTER
11:21LAUGHTER
11:21LAUGHTER
11:23LAUGHTER
11:24LAUGHTER
11:25Yeah, OK, well, uh...
11:29Yeah, I'll, um...
11:30Yeah, I'll see you about 11, right?
11:32Tomorrow.
11:33Yeah, all right, then.
11:34Yeah, OK, then.
11:35Yeah.
11:35Bye, then.
11:35Bye, then.
11:36Bye, then.
11:36Bye, then.
11:36Bye, then.
12:06BOOM, just one look, and then my heart went BOOM
12:11Suddenly, and we were on the moon
12:16Flying high in a neon sky
12:22Oh, bang, just one touch, and all the church bells rang
12:30Heaven called, and all the angels sang
12:35Sun brush up in the sky
12:37Oh, bang, just one touch, and all the angels sang
12:41Oh, bang, just one touch, and all the angels sang
12:43Oh, bang, just one touch, and all the angels sang
12:45The moon that chased the day away
12:47The moon, the moon and stars came up to play
13:01And then...
13:02My whole wide world's in stone
13:07Things that seem to be in the moon
13:12Shadows flowing as the moon
13:15I think it's funny
13:16I'm down on a wonderland
13:22Oh, so
13:26Soon to change the day away
13:33I knew the moon is not
13:38It came out to play
13:42Soon to change the day away
13:49I knew the moon is not
13:57It came out to play
14:00And then
14:02That's right.
14:04Come on in, Darren.
14:06Kick the ball to your Uncle Del.
14:13Good boy.
14:15Good boy, good boy, my son.
14:18Let's see you come out of the corner.
14:19This way.
14:29Good boy.
14:31You're going to play for England one of these days.
14:34What do you reckon, Rodney?
14:35Darren could play for England now, couldn't he?
14:38He's better than that load of rubbish.
14:40Right, come on, you'll get an England sign playing like this.
14:43Just have a look at him, will you?
14:45He's like a born-again Oval-teenie.
14:47He's on the line of the toilet for, what, six weeks and look at him.
14:52I don't know what's got into him.
14:54He spends most of his time
14:56on them climbing frames and swings and what have you.
14:59The other day I see the caretaker telling him off
15:02for coming down the slide backwards.
15:06Down backwards?
15:08It's a bit dangerous, isn't it?
15:09I mean, all these conkers and marbles could have fallen in one of his pockets.
15:13I mean...
15:14What's it, Rodney?
15:22What's it, Joe?
15:23Oh, nothing much.
15:25I was just talking about Wally's.
15:26That's all.
15:26Not so much of it.
15:34Here you are, Darren.
15:38That's another thing.
15:39I wish he'd get rid of this sign.
15:41I mean, whenever I'm sitting in the passenger seat,
15:43people look at me sort of...
15:45punny.
15:46Oh, I wouldn't let that bother you, Rodney.
15:49Why?
15:50No.
15:51They most probably just think you're a poof.
16:10You must have spent a third of your life
16:12standing in front of mirrors.
16:13My earliest childhood recollection is of you
16:20standing in front of a mirror.
16:25Up until I was four, I thought you was twins.
16:32You all are trying to wind me up, Rodney.
16:34It ain't going to work.
16:34No way, bruv.
16:36Because tonight is a very, very happy night
16:38and a very, very special one for me.
16:40What is it, Cubs' night?
16:41No, it ain't Cubs' night.
16:45Well, come on, Rodney.
16:46How do I look, eh?
16:48You look like a second-hand car trader.
16:50Oh, thanks a lot, Rod.
16:51Here, that reminds me.
16:52You know, we were talking about earlier on
16:54about Heather and Darren coming over for Christmas.
16:56I mean, you don't mind, do you?
16:58Because you like Heather, don't you, eh?
17:00Don't you, Rod?
17:00Eh?
17:01Yeah, she's all right.
17:03What about you, Grandad?
17:04You like Darren, don't you, eh?
17:06He's not a noisy little brat, is he?
17:07Oh, no, he's a good little kid.
17:09Here.
17:11Yeah, Rod.
17:13How do you feel about, er,
17:15Heather becoming your sister-in-law?
17:17Who, what?
17:18No, no, no, no, not now, not immediately.
17:20I mean, you know, sometime in the future.
17:21I mean, you know, I haven't even mentioned it to her yet.
17:24I mean, I don't want to jump me guns.
17:25Eh?
17:25Well, I'm not fast.
17:28You don't want to come and live here with that noisy little brat, will she?
17:33No, no.
17:34We've applied for a council house.
17:36Well, where's me, er, Billy go?
17:41Oh, here it is.
17:42Yeah, right.
17:43That's it.
17:43Well, I'm off out, then.
17:45I'm taking Heather out for an evening that she will never forget.
17:48You know, it's going to be soft lights, music, champagne,
17:52and, of course, the very, very finest of foods.
17:56I only hope she likes curry.
18:09Well.
18:14Well, I suppose it was always on the cards.
18:17I think they'll be happy together, don't you?
18:20Oh, yeah, she's a good girl.
18:21Oh, she'll look after him.
18:23Yeah, and he thinks the world of that kid, don't he?
18:25Aye.
18:27And they fit so neatly into his style of living.
18:30You know?
18:31Fast foods, ready to wear suits.
18:33Now he's got an instant family, aye?
18:37I'm...
18:38I'm pleased for him.
18:41You seem to be forgetting something, Rodney.
18:43If Del Boy moves into his council gaff with his off-the-peg-next-to-kin,
18:48who the hell's going to pay the rent, gas and electric in this place, eh?
18:58We'll have chicken teak, half the bone,
19:02a mutton madras,
19:03a pair of onion barges,
19:05four poppadoms,
19:07some naan bread,
19:08and a couple of portions of rice.
19:10All right?
19:11Yes, sir.
19:12Which rice would you like?
19:14Have you got any Uncle Ben's?
19:20No, sir.
19:20We have pillow rice,
19:22basmati rice
19:23or plain white rice.
19:23Oh, we'll have the pillow rice.
19:25Make sure you take the feathers out first.
19:28Oh, and Tony,
19:30I want a bottle of your finest champagne.
19:32All right, son?
19:32Yes, sir.
19:36You're pushing the boat out a bit, aren't you?
19:38No, I'm always like this
19:39when I've got something to celebrate.
19:40Oh, yeah?
19:41What are we celebrating?
19:42You sold all them Chinese walks?
19:44Mm-hmm.
19:45No, no, I got a bit lumbered with them, actually.
19:47I'm giving them away free with packets of persil.
19:52What's the champagne in aid of?
19:56Well...
19:57Christmas.
20:03What is it?
20:04Well, open it, see.
20:11Oh.
20:13Well?
20:16Oh, it's lovely.
20:19Got it off this mate of mine, Abdul.
20:23Gets a discount at Atten Garden.
20:27Del,
20:27is this an engagement ring?
20:31No, it's a set of socket spanners.
20:33Of course it's an engagement ring.
20:37No, I'll change it if you like.
20:39See, remember what you said,
20:41that you liked solitaire diamonds.
20:43So I thought, well, you know,
20:44I'd get her a cluster of solitaires.
20:51No.
20:52No, it's a beautiful ring, Del.
20:55What's up, then?
20:55It's Vick.
21:00Oh, is your nose blocked up?
21:06No.
21:09No, it's Vick, my husband.
21:11Oh.
21:12Well, what about him?
21:13He wrote to me last week.
21:17Yeah, last week.
21:18You didn't mention it.
21:19I know.
21:20I'm trying to find the right moment to bring the subject up.
21:24Well, he's living in Southampton.
21:26He's got himself a nice flat, apparently.
21:28Yeah.
21:29He wants me and Darren to move down there with him.
21:33You know, try again.
21:35See if we can make it work this time.
21:38Oh.
21:40Yeah, well, well...
21:42I mean,
21:44you're not going to believe all that old pony, are you?
21:48Are you?
21:50Thing is, Del,
21:52he's still my husband.
21:55He's Darren's father.
21:57I owe it to him.
21:59Oh, come on.
22:00Don't give me all that, Heather.
22:01I mean, he don't care a monkey's about you and Darren.
22:04I mean, what did big, brave Vick do
22:06when the going got heavy, eh?
22:07He pulled on his hiking boots
22:08and had it away on his toes.
22:10You don't know what he's like, Del.
22:11I do know what he's like,
22:12because he's exactly like my old man.
22:14That's what he did to me 18 years ago.
22:16It wasn't all his fault.
22:18He was unemployed.
22:20All he wanted was a regular job.
22:23No idea what sort of pressure that can do to a family.
22:27Well, he's got himself a job now
22:29in a department store.
22:30Yeah, doing what?
22:33He's a Father Christmas.
22:36Oh, well, that's a steady little number, that, ain't it, eh?
22:39Free uniform, luncheon vouchers,
22:4248 weeks holiday a year.
22:46I still love him.
22:47What about me?
22:54I love you, Del.
22:56But not in that way.
22:59I feel for you the way someone would feel for a...
23:02Goldfish or a gerbil.
23:03No.
23:06Like a brother.
23:08I feel for you the way you feel for Rodney.
23:12I thought you liked me.
23:14However, I thought that you and I had an understanding.
23:18Honestly, Del, I never knew you felt that strongly.
23:20I mean, you never said anything.
23:26I'm not a poet, ever.
23:29You know, I can't do all that lovey-dovey stuff.
23:32I feel things, but when I try to say them, they'd always come out Wally-ish.
23:41I thought it was obvious, the way that I felt for you.
23:47What else could I have done?
23:49I don't know.
23:52A sign or something?
23:54I'd tie a yellow ribbon round an old oak tree or something.
24:00I leave next Tuesday.
24:03Will you come round and say goodbye to Darren?
24:11No.
24:13He really took to you.
24:16You like kids, don't you?
24:19Yeah.
24:21I used to go to school with a lot of them.
24:26It's a beautiful ring, Del.
24:32Normally I'd let you keep it, but...
24:35I've only got it on a week's approval.
24:38I don't really feel hungry anymore, Del.
24:40Well, I think I'll go.
24:45It's all right.
24:46I'll get to taxi.
24:47I'll get to the next day.
25:26Holy Spirit, round yon virgin, mother and child, holy infant so tender and mild, sleep in heavenly peace.
25:50Sleep in heavenly peace.
25:57We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year.
26:09Good tidings we bring to you and your king.
26:14We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year.
26:19We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year.
26:30We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year.
26:50We wish you a merry Christmas and a happy new year.
27:20I guarantee you, black or white heart, rent your home.
27:25In the cup, price is at a stroke.
27:30God bless Rookie Street.
27:33Be my Rookie Street.
27:36Long live Rookie Street.
27:38Say, man, defeat Rookie Street.
27:42Man, defeat Rookie Street.
27:46Rookie Street.
27:48Rookie Street.
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