- 2 days ago
Season 21 opens with Jeremy, Richard, and James road-testing three of the best modern hot hatches: the Volkswagen Golf GTI, BMW M135i, and Ford Fiesta ST. The Stig pushes each car around the test track, while Hugh Bonneville joins as this week’s Star in a Reasonably Priced Car.
Top Gear Season 21, Top Gear S21E01, Top Gear hot hatch test, VW Golf GTI review, BMW M135i review, Ford Fiesta ST review, Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond, James May, The Stig, Hugh Bonneville Top Gear, Top Gear BBC, hot hatch comparison
Follow our channel for more car crazed mayhem. Alot more episodes to come that you don't want to miss. Like our videos and share with other car lovers!!
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Top Gear Season 21, Top Gear S21E01, Top Gear hot hatch test, VW Golf GTI review, BMW M135i review, Ford Fiesta ST review, Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond, James May, The Stig, Hugh Bonneville Top Gear, Top Gear BBC, hot hatch comparison
Follow our channel for more car crazed mayhem. Alot more episodes to come that you don't want to miss. Like our videos and share with other car lovers!!
Thank you for supporting our channel
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MotorTranscript
00:00:00MUSIC
00:00:20Thanks, everybody. Thank you.
00:00:23Hello. Good evening.
00:00:25Thank you so much.
00:00:27We're back.
00:00:28We have returned.
00:00:31We've returned with an all-new series,
00:00:34and it is a cracker.
00:00:37We have got a review of the Mark VII Volkswagen Golf.
00:00:42We have an extended report of the 900cc Dacia Sandero.
00:00:47James has done that. It's very long.
00:00:49We have a piece on bicycles.
00:00:51We have something on the stresses of long-distance lorry driving.
00:00:55And the rest of it sort of looks like this.
00:01:03They should have called this the Widowmaker.
00:01:06Come on, little alpha. We have to beat it.
00:01:10You want a right? I'll give you a right.
00:01:16Oh, God. The dubs have escaped.
00:01:19Just have my heated seat set to the first position.
00:01:35Morning. Sorry.
00:01:36The town in question is called Chernobyl.
00:01:42Oh!
00:01:43Ha-ha-ha!
00:01:49Oh!
00:01:50Newsnight now on BBC Two.
00:02:04All that, all that is to come.
00:02:10But first, there has been, I'm afraid, a bit of a row in the office.
00:02:16You see, we think that the current crop of hot hatchbacks are very good.
00:02:21However, we say they're not as good as the hot hatchbacks you could buy in the 80s or the 90s.
00:02:26Well, they're not, are they? No.
00:02:28No, exactly.
00:02:29But our producers, who are very young and wander around with the top of their underpants showing at the back of their trousers,
00:02:35say that we are talking nonsense.
00:02:38Yeah.
00:02:39So, to sort it all out, they told us to go and buy three old hot hatches,
00:02:43whilst they would devise a series of humiliating challenges.
00:02:46Mmm.
00:02:47Mmm.
00:02:48Mmm.
00:02:51The meeting point was a car park in Droitwich, and I was the first to arrive.
00:03:02This is a Volkswagen Golf GTI.
00:03:06The standard bearer, the benchmark, the daddy.
00:03:11And think about it.
00:03:12A modern-day GTI would cost you £27,000.
00:03:16This was just 800 quid.
00:03:19I mean, 800 quid for a Golf GTI.
00:03:23It's only done 172,000 miles.
00:03:25I mean, it's just 25 years old.
00:03:28Oh, there's James!
00:03:36Oh, God.
00:03:37That was a handbrake turn right there, ladies and gentlemen.
00:03:39Yo!
00:03:40XR2!
00:03:42XR2i 16-valve.
00:03:4416-valve?
00:03:45Oh, yes.
00:03:46See, I've gone for the coveted Mark II eight-valve model.
00:03:49Eight-valve?
00:03:50Eight-valve.
00:03:51What?
00:03:53Oh, the comedy stickers.
00:03:56The thing is, James, what you have to remember is,
00:03:58you know when you look at a car, how has it been treated?
00:04:01Who's owned it?
00:04:02I looked at these stickers, the non-standard alloy wheels,
00:04:06and I suspect this has been slammed.
00:04:08It does look like it's been slammed.
00:04:09It's been lowered.
00:04:10So, you add all those things together, and I've deduced it was probably owned by a parish priest?
00:04:16June Whitfield, probably.
00:04:17Well, it's funny you should say that, because I employ a similar tactic when I'm buying a car.
00:04:21So, I looked at things like, it has very high specification aftermarket brake pads.
00:04:26Has it?
00:04:27Which means it was somebody who was interested in safety, not speed.
00:04:30Yes.
00:04:31And also, they've done things like, left the jacking point exposed,
00:04:34so you spend less time exposed to danger if you have to change a wheel on the hard shoulder.
00:04:38Exactly.
00:04:39800 quid.
00:04:40750 quid.
00:04:41You see, we've been clever.
00:04:43We have been wise.
00:04:46Sadly, our discussion was curtailed, because Hammond then arrived.
00:04:53And he hadn't been wise at all.
00:04:57Is that...?
00:05:00No.
00:05:01No.
00:05:02Nova SRI.
00:05:04No.
00:05:05This is fun, isn't it?
00:05:06No.
00:05:07I'm loving my day so far.
00:05:08Let me talk you through it.
00:05:091.4 litre, multi-point fuel injection, 82 brake horsepower.
00:05:13Uh-huh.
00:05:14This is light and nippy and quick.
00:05:15This was the clever choice in its day.
00:05:17Was it?
00:05:18Yeah, it was.
00:05:19It was a clever alternative.
00:05:20I mean, I love what you've got.
00:05:21Hammond, Hammond.
00:05:22Hammond.
00:05:23Hammond.
00:05:24This has spent more time on its roof than it has on its wheels.
00:05:28Well...
00:05:29All Novas are driven by yobbos who turn them over.
00:05:31I must admit, because it's not just this door that doesn't match.
00:05:34That one was white.
00:05:36I don't think there's a ditch in Essex that this hasn't visited, but it's still working.
00:05:40These are very desirable.
00:05:41Are they?
00:05:42How much was it?
00:05:43700 quid.
00:05:44Not that anyone ever actually had to buy a Vauxhall Nova.
00:05:49It was much easier to steal one.
00:05:53Nobody's to watch this if you're a car thief.
00:05:55Don't watch this.
00:05:56You have the keys.
00:05:57I have the keys.
00:05:58All I'm going to do is remove the hazard warning light switch.
00:06:01Okay?
00:06:02Yep.
00:06:03I'm now going to pop it back in again, upside down.
00:06:06And lo and behold, the ignition comes on.
00:06:09So now it's just a question of...
00:06:11Bump start.
00:06:12Go!
00:06:14And there we are.
00:06:16And I've got the key!
00:06:19As I was finishing my demonstration, I received a message.
00:06:24I've got a text.
00:06:27Oh, it's from the producers.
00:06:29Eh?
00:06:30No, it's the first of the Challengers, look.
00:06:31What happened to the gold envelope?
00:06:33He was a teenager.
00:06:35That would mean using a pen.
00:06:36Oh, he wouldn't have seen it.
00:06:38No, he wouldn't.
00:06:39Anyway, it's...
00:06:40I don't know what it says.
00:06:41Because you need your glasses.
00:06:44Oh, dear.
00:06:45Mould.
00:06:46It says the main reason for buying a hot hatchback is speed.
00:06:50You will therefore do a performance test
00:06:53at the Chelsea-Waltz hill climb in your crocs of ship.
00:06:57Ship?
00:06:58Ship.
00:06:59I think there's been some autocorrection.
00:07:01Autocorrect, yes.
00:07:02Right.
00:07:03So, you're on.
00:07:05Oh, bloody hell.
00:07:06Have you got an alarm?
00:07:091989.
00:07:10They didn't have alarms,
00:07:11so everybody put aftermarket alarms on them,
00:07:13which don't work.
00:07:14Ever.
00:07:15Oh, shut up!
00:07:20I'd like to be laughing about them with their alarms,
00:07:23but I've just spotted something, which is...
00:07:26Well, everything got stolen in the 80s,
00:07:28so they'd engrave the reg number on the glass.
00:07:31And on the tailgate,
00:07:32I can't help but notice that this registration number
00:07:35isn't the same as this registration number,
00:07:37which means it's not the original tailgate.
00:07:40I thought that was the only original panel on it.
00:07:42on the drive to the hill climb.
00:07:43We have the chance to get acquainted with our cars.
00:07:58Oh, I love my little Nova.
00:08:01It's all about simplicity, lightness.
00:08:04This has got nothing on it that you don't need.
00:08:07Door mirrors? Manual.
00:08:08Windows? Manual.
00:08:10There isn't even a window winder on the passenger side
00:08:13because it's dropped off.
00:08:15How simple and light is that?
00:08:21Since we're alone, viewers,
00:08:22and it's traditional for me to be honest at this point,
00:08:24I will say that the car feels a little care-worn.
00:08:28The driver's seat smells funny,
00:08:30the fuel gauge doesn't work all the time,
00:08:32and neither does the temperature gauge,
00:08:33the radio only comes out of one speaker,
00:08:35the clutch judders, the wheels wobble,
00:08:37there are a lot of knocks and rattles.
00:08:40Amazing, really, because it's only 23,000 miles.
00:08:46Let me just do a systems check,
00:08:48make sure all the equipment on this is working.
00:08:52Heated rear window.
00:08:53Yep.
00:08:54Ashtray.
00:08:55Yep.
00:08:56Good, that's that done.
00:08:58Third gear.
00:09:04That G-force is nearly tearing my face off.
00:09:09We were so brave in the 80s.
00:09:11We were brave and we were strong
00:09:13because we had no power steering.
00:09:15We didn't go to a gym,
00:09:16we just went for a drive.
00:09:17That would build up a sweat.
00:09:19Many power steering-less miles later,
00:09:24we arrived at the terrifying Shelsley-Walsh hill climb.
00:09:33Germany has the Nürburgring,
00:09:35America has Pikes Peak,
00:09:37we have this.
00:09:38It's more than half a mile long
00:09:40and at the bottom of this fearsome ribbon of tarmac,
00:09:43we were given more details of our challenge.
00:09:46A modern Seat Ibiza Cupra
00:09:50will now go up the hill climb course,
00:09:53then you must try to beat its time.
00:09:56Seat Cupra?
00:09:57Yeah.
00:09:58Well, that's for us.
00:09:59Not really.
00:10:00Hang on, who's going to be driving the Seat?
00:10:02It's not the Stig, is it?
00:10:03No.
00:10:04No, it's not the Stig.
00:10:06It's the Stig's teenage cousin.
00:10:16Look at the size of it.
00:10:20I know.
00:10:21Massive.
00:10:22It's a whale.
00:10:23Might as well try and drive up there in that barn.
00:10:24With the traditional hill climb chalk
00:10:26holding the Seat in place,
00:10:28teenage Stig was ready for the off.
00:10:31Go!
00:10:37What a dreary spectacle.
00:10:40It doesn't have that nimble, light, tight, frenzied feel
00:10:43of a proper hot house.
00:10:50Oh.
00:10:55The Stig's cousin did it in 40.50.
00:11:00What, to do 0.6 of a mile?
00:11:03I shall halve it.
00:11:04As the gulf have the most power, we agreed it should go first.
00:11:09Hold on, I'm just going to shut my window.
00:11:11There it is.
00:11:15Three, two, one.
00:11:21That was all wheel spin, wasn't it?
00:11:22That's already quicker, though.
00:11:23Look at that.
00:11:25Double D clutch into second.
00:11:26A pheasant!
00:11:28Oh, that was close.
00:11:29Yes!
00:11:31112 of the finest German horsepower hurling me up this hill.
00:11:3860 miles an hour as we cross the line.
00:11:46Uh-uh.
00:11:48Next, it was James' turn in the XR2.
00:11:51Three, two, one, go!
00:11:57You bastard!
00:11:59Nice start.
00:12:02At speed, the XR2's 20-year-old steering really came into its own.
00:12:10Oh, my God.
00:12:12He's bought a dog, hasn't he?
00:12:13Yes, he's bought...
00:12:14And a poor thing.
00:12:15Whoa!
00:12:20This is terrible.
00:12:24More worryingly, on the way back down, a marshal handed me back some of my car.
00:12:33That is a bolt.
00:12:35Obviously.
00:12:39But for what?
00:12:41As I pondered on that, Jeremy prepared the course for Hammond's Nova.
00:12:53Hammond!
00:12:54I have never seen a man suit a car more than that.
00:12:58Three, two, one.
00:13:03Yeah!
00:13:05That's a real spin.
00:13:07There are some people who look like their dogs.
00:13:08There are one or two people who look like their cars.
00:13:11Yeah.
00:13:12Little.
00:13:13No other drivers.
00:13:18Everything I have.
00:13:19Come on, unleash the lock.
00:13:21Across the line.
00:13:24And now, back down.
00:13:28Oh, yeah.
00:13:37Predictably, Hammond had binned it.
00:13:39Oh, my God.
00:13:40No.
00:13:42How the hell did you get it there?
00:13:46Well, I was coming down here and...
00:13:48Oh, hang on.
00:13:52You have righted it.
00:13:53You have righted it.
00:13:54Look, he's absolutely beaming because you stuffed your...
00:13:58Well, you can tell your mates, can't you?
00:13:59On the ditch.
00:14:00And it's a complete wrong now.
00:14:01Because this was the thing in the 80s.
00:14:03You put your car in a ditch, and you did.
00:14:06And you found it funny.
00:14:08Do you realise, if Constable had lived today, he would have painted that.
00:14:11It would have been painted by Constable and called the,
00:14:13Hey, Wayne!
00:14:15Very good.
00:14:19As the marshals recovered the Nova, we were given the results.
00:14:23What was the stick?
00:14:24I think he was 40.5.
00:14:26Right.
00:14:2847.4.
00:14:31Hmm.
00:14:32May, perhaps not surprisingly,
00:14:3550.4.
00:14:38Right.
00:14:40Hammond, 46.3.
00:14:44So we're slow...
00:14:45You're the fastest, and I congratulate you.
00:14:47But the point is, we were all slower than the Stig, and yet we weren't.
00:14:50Well, hang on, how'd you make that out?
00:14:53Time moved more slowly in the 80s.
00:14:57Because when you're 30, a year is a 30th of your life.
00:15:03When you're 50, it's a 50th of your life.
00:15:08By the time Hammond had got this one worked out...
00:15:11Darkness had fallen.
00:15:15So what have we learned?
00:15:17Well, obviously we've learned that our cars are much cheaper than their modern-day equivalents,
00:15:24and in real terms, faster.
00:15:26But I think we'd all agree that they are looking a bit tired.
00:15:31So we decided to spruce them up at the top-secret Top Gear Antique Restoration Centre,
00:15:39on the A451, just outside Kidderminster.
00:15:43Here, cars are wrapped in a special self-adhesive material
00:15:47to give them a brand-new, factory-fresh look.
00:15:53If you pay somebody else to respray your car,
00:15:565,000 pounds, 10,000 pounds, this is less than 1,000.
00:16:01Now, you put the right bit off there, just done.
00:16:04With the Renault done, we decided to do our cars ourselves.
00:16:17We'll see how we get on with that later on.
00:16:21But now, it's time to do the news.
00:16:24Now, BMW has made a three-cylinder hybrid.
00:16:28Would you like to see a photograph of that?
00:16:31Well, no, not really.
00:16:33Well, that's a rotten bit of luck, because here it is.
00:16:35Wow, is that it?
00:16:36Yeah, three-cylinder hybrid, right there.
00:16:38It looks quite good.
00:16:39Is it vaguely reminiscent of the old M1?
00:16:40Do you remember the supercar they did?
00:16:42What it is, I'll tell you exactly what it is, that is the future.
00:16:44It really, genuinely is.
00:16:46It's lightweight construction, petrol engine, working in tandem with an electric motor.
00:16:52And I know that sounds dreary, but think about it.
00:16:54It's the exact same recipe you get in a McLaren P1, and that is not dreary at all.
00:17:00No, and more to the point, you've driven it, it's on the show next week.
00:17:03Yes.
00:17:04Oh, come on, give us a hint, what's it like?
00:17:06It's genuinely unbelievable.
00:17:08The speed simply is mind-blowing.
00:17:11How fast?
00:17:12But to be honest, you can't keep up with just how fast it goes, that P1.
00:17:17And because of the P1, it means normal people can now drive a hybrid.
00:17:22You don't have to wear nuclear-free peace sandals.
00:17:27You can be like normal people here and have a hybrid.
00:17:30That's why I think that is going to be brilliant.
00:17:32You know, the thing is, okay, that, it'll go like a 911, cost about the same as a 911,
00:17:37but you don't have to be a moron to drive one.
00:17:40You child.
00:17:42You child.
00:17:43Really?
00:17:44We are back at work, aren't we?
00:17:46We are back in the playground, we are.
00:17:48Yeah.
00:17:49I'd like to talk about things I'm sorry I missed while we've been off air.
00:17:53Plans are being drawn up, right, to find the owner of a car if a passenger throws litter out of the window.
00:18:00Find him?
00:18:01The owner.
00:18:02No, throw him to the dogs.
00:18:03Well, no.
00:18:04Use the Kim-Yung-Umm technique on people who litter.
00:18:07No, I know what you mean, because littering is the most moronic crime.
00:18:11It's pitiful.
00:18:12However, thanks to this, there is now an excuse for it.
00:18:15Excuse for littering?
00:18:16Yeah.
00:18:17What?
00:18:18Think about it.
00:18:19James, mate, can I have a lift home tonight in your car?
00:18:22Just me, just me and, like, my favourite bin bag full of empty crisps.
00:18:28Do you know, I was once riding my motorcycle past a line of stationary cars and I was hit in the face by half a ready meal that had been thrown out of a good...
00:18:37I mean, still, still hot, I'm talking about.
00:18:40That was me.
00:18:41Was it?
00:18:42Yeah.
00:18:43And it wasn't a ready meal.
00:18:44No.
00:18:45It was...
00:18:46It was an adult nappy.
00:18:48Anyway, we've had the Formula One testing all last week, as I'm sure you know.
00:18:54Important this year, the testing, because there's so many new rules.
00:18:57These cars now have to have 1.6 litre engines, they have to have narrower wings and sex aids on the front.
00:19:03Don't be stupid.
00:19:04They don't have to...
00:19:05They do!
00:19:06They do!
00:19:07Hello?
00:19:08Have a look at this, the catering.
00:19:09That's a sex aid on the front!
00:19:10Oh, no!
00:19:11We've got a close-up on the Toro Rosso.
00:19:14Oh, God!
00:19:15You wouldn't want to be rear-ended by that, would you?
00:19:18Yeah.
00:19:19Because you think about it, you get in the car, strap yourself in and there it is.
00:19:23It's a strap-on, basically.
00:19:25It's Formula Strap One!
00:19:26Formula Strap One!
00:19:27Formula Strap One!
00:19:28Formula Strap One is what it is.
00:19:29Right, here's a scenario, you're racing towards the police line, neck and neck, you want to cross the line first.
00:19:34It's good if you could extend the front building.
00:19:37And maybe, if you were, I don't know, let's say, having trouble extending the bit at the front,
00:19:42they could have a little blue triangular button on the steering wheel that you could press and then...
00:19:46V power!
00:19:47Yes!
00:19:48There it is!
00:19:49For about an hour and a half, it's longer.
00:19:52I'm just saying.
00:19:53You don't get coverage like that in Autosport Magazine.
00:19:56Oh, yeah.
00:19:57Now, are you always late for your game of golf?
00:20:00Are you sick of being the last to the lodge?
00:20:03Well, it's good news!
00:20:05Is that another Dacia?
00:20:08It's not a Dacia.
00:20:11There is a new 450 brake horsepower Lexus called the RCF.
00:20:16Here it is.
00:20:17What do you think?
00:20:18I hate to have to say this, James, but I actually quite like it.
00:20:21No, I'm quite glad because I quite like it as well.
00:20:23Oh, God, I'm going to catch golf from you two!
00:20:27I'm going to turn up next week like that.
00:20:30Hang on a minute, though.
00:20:31This is the second Lexus you've liked.
00:20:34It is!
00:20:35You're a Lexus fan!
00:20:36There you go!
00:20:37And then, I'm going to join the police as a constable and become a chief inspector within a week with my trouser leg rolled up and one of those!
00:20:44Oh!
00:20:45It was a Mason's!
00:20:46I thought that was a sexual thing!
00:20:47Oh, I'll tell you what I was driving the other day.
00:20:50New Mercedes S-Class, which is available with a thermal imaging camera, okay?
00:20:55Which sends a feed from the front of the car onto the dashboard.
00:20:58So you can see what's ahead at night, beyond the range of your headlights.
00:21:03We've got some footage of it here.
00:21:04So as you're driving along, the camera can see animals.
00:21:07There you go!
00:21:08It picks them out in red.
00:21:09All people, as it's going along, there is an animal, you see.
00:21:12That's clever!
00:21:13Yeah, it's a bit of a gimmick, though, isn't it?
00:21:14You wouldn't sort of rely on that.
00:21:15Well, no, you say that, James, but I was coming back to my flat in London the other night.
00:21:20I was quite late in the S-Class with that turned on.
00:21:22And as I was going up, it picked out a red box in some bushes just outside my front door.
00:21:28I drove up.
00:21:29What on earth is that at this time of the morning?
00:21:32I drove up.
00:21:33When the headlights got there, paparazzi photographer.
00:21:35So it can actually find paps hiding in the dark?
00:21:38Yeah, but there's a problem.
00:21:40Because when I try to run him down, as you get near, it automatically applies the brakes.
00:21:46So what's the point of targeting somebody if you then can't hit them?
00:21:51Back to the drawing board with that, please, Mercedes.
00:21:55Now, obviously, the biggest news while we were off-air was the tragic accident that Michael Schumacher had.
00:22:04Now, I don't know if any of his family are watching, but I'm sure everybody here would join with us
00:22:09to wish him a full and speedy recovery.
00:22:12Absolutely wonderful.
00:22:13Come on, old fella, call through.
00:22:18Yeah.
00:22:19Tonight, tonight, we are attempting to prove to our teenage producers that the hot hatches of our youth were better than the hot hatches of today.
00:22:33Yes, and when we left the action, we were at the Top Gear Restoration Technical Centre, where we had decided to wrap our cars ourselves.
00:22:42Because Hammond's car was the smallest, he finished first.
00:22:49The results of my labours.
00:22:51Urban camo.
00:22:52Or it might be Arctic, actually.
00:22:54Arctic urban camo.
00:22:56Yeah, I mean, there's a rough edge here and there, but for a first attempt, I think it's pretty crisp.
00:22:59Behold the genius.
00:23:00What?
00:23:01Hello.
00:23:02Mate, it's...
00:23:11I haven't seen it in the light.
00:23:13It's terrible.
00:23:14How brilliant is this?
00:23:17Well...
00:23:18What you're looking at here is velvet.
00:23:20Why didn't you drive it out?
00:23:21Because I suspect James May, as a cruel joke, has hidden my keys.
00:23:28Actually, no.
00:23:29I suspect you've effectively hidden your keys because I suspect that's them.
00:23:34There, look.
00:23:35You left them on the roof.
00:23:36And while I'm here, isn't there a sunroof on this car?
00:23:39Yes, here.
00:23:40Well, you can't open it.
00:23:41Or this door.
00:23:42Yes, just...
00:23:43Or, in fact, this door.
00:23:44What...
00:23:45Burglar proof.
00:23:46As Jeremy retrieved his keys, James appeared.
00:23:52He hasn't got the idea of wrapping, has he?
00:23:54No.
00:23:55Mate, you really...
00:23:58Come on.
00:23:59It's a bit annual, mate.
00:24:00Yeah.
00:24:01That's exactly it.
00:24:02It's seasonal.
00:24:03It's unequivocal, is what it is.
00:24:04You park that by the side of the road and say to anyone, what's happened to that car?
00:24:07And they'll say, oh, it's been wrapped.
00:24:09Hang on.
00:24:10Text.
00:24:11Dear Grandad.
00:24:12Really?
00:24:13Eww.
00:24:15Because 1980s hot hatchbacks were so easy to steal, they were mostly used for doing handbrake turns on housing estates and ramraiding Woolworths.
00:24:24So, to see which one of your ridiculous cars is best, you will now have a game of supermarket sweep.
00:24:31The rules were simple.
00:24:36The producers had laid out a course around the aisles of a supermarket and we had to see which of our cars could get round it the fastest.
00:24:45Right, James, you're going first.
00:24:48Just so you know, there is a second added to your time for every pound of damage that you do out there.
00:24:55Right.
00:24:56OK?
00:24:57OK.
00:24:58This is going to be like living in the 1980s.
00:25:04Three, two, one, go!
00:25:06Obviously, I am the intelligent one here and the point of this is to not hit anything, not to go round quickly.
00:25:18It's neat, isn't it?
00:25:21A second is more easily saved by not breaking something than by driving into things.
00:25:29Through the chicane.
00:25:31Missing that, missing that, missing everything.
00:25:34Oh, his wheel got jammed up with...
00:25:38His wheel got...
00:25:39Spam!
00:25:40His spam!
00:25:42Briskly around there.
00:25:45And through to the finish.
00:25:50How did I do?
00:25:51One minute or two, but you did hit things, James.
00:25:55After the value of the smashed custard creams and the splattered spam had been totted up,
00:26:01I took my place on the start line.
00:26:09Good.
00:26:11Yes!
00:26:13Three, two, one, go!
00:26:17That's a vigorous start.
00:26:19Here we go!
00:26:20And into the turn!
00:26:21It's a bad crash!
00:26:22Oh, no!
00:26:23That's a couple of seconds off there.
00:26:24Yeah, I'd say so.
00:26:25Things have gone literally...
00:26:26I've hit the luxury toilet tissue!
00:26:27And some bread!
00:26:28Yes, I just hit some...
00:26:29Oh!
00:26:30Oh, no!
00:26:31Oh, no!
00:26:32Oh, no!
00:26:33That's a couple of seconds off there.
00:26:34Yeah, I'd say so.
00:26:35Things have gone literally...
00:26:37I've hit the luxury toilet tissue!
00:26:39And some bread!
00:26:40Yes, I just hit some...
00:26:41Oh!
00:26:42Oh, no!
00:26:43Oh, no!
00:26:44I've got 16 biscuits literally everywhere!
00:26:53Oh, God, the club!
00:26:58Well, it is a quick time now, but it possibly won't be once we've added on to the destruction!
00:27:04I've gone again!
00:27:11In the plums!
00:27:16He's on the finishing straight!
00:27:19And...
00:27:20Across the line!
00:27:25It took a very long time to work out Jeremy's score, but eventually it was my goal.
00:27:34Let's do this.
00:27:35What do you think he's going to do?
00:27:37Your style or my style?
00:27:39Well, if he's got any sense, he'll do mine, let's be honest.
00:27:41But he hasn't got any sense because he's hammered, so...
00:27:43Go!
00:27:46Come on, little Nova, here we go.
00:27:49Here.
00:27:50Oh, that's...
00:27:54Gee, that was enormous!
00:27:56What manner of thing did he do?
00:28:10Run away!
00:28:17Here he comes!
00:28:20And across the line!
00:28:26Well, that's predictable.
00:28:27Yeah.
00:28:281.04.
00:28:31That completed the supermarket challenge.
00:28:33All we had to do now was help Hammond right his car.
00:28:37One, two, three.
00:28:38Oh, maybe another one?
00:28:40Of course.
00:28:41Oh!
00:28:43Go on!
00:28:44Oh, so quite!
00:28:45Oh!
00:28:46Oh!
00:28:47Oh!
00:28:48The next morning, as we set off to Wales for our next challenge, all was not well in our
00:29:02combo.
00:29:06A packet of Coco Pops had severed the fuel line in Hammond's Nova, and one of the many crashes
00:29:13that damaged Jeremy's golf.
00:29:15Oh, Lord.
00:29:16No, this steering is...
00:29:17There's something catastrophically wrong.
00:29:19Look at it!
00:29:21I can't...
00:29:22Oh!
00:29:24Gentlemen, I may have to stop.
00:29:28A couple of miles further on, I found an empty airfield where I could do some repairs.
00:29:35Yes, the handling characteristics were affected by a small accident last night with some beef stew.
00:29:40Oh, dear.
00:29:41I hit the bottom of the wheel and it's gone in, but you can solve it.
00:29:45Yes, I've seen that done.
00:29:46Most F1 teams do something similar.
00:29:49Is your car working yet, Hammond?
00:29:50Yes, I've got to put a new fuel pipe on a container in a second.
00:29:52Get on with it, then.
00:29:53I've got one more GB clip to do and it'll be done.
00:29:55What?
00:29:56Text which could mean it is from producers.
00:30:00Ah!
00:30:01The results of Supermarket Sweep are in.
00:30:03Oh, brilliant!
00:30:04James, one minute and five seconds.
00:30:07So that was three quids of the damage?
00:30:09Two seconds added three quids worth of damaged produce.
00:30:12Richard?
00:30:13Yes?
00:30:14Two minutes and 12 seconds.
00:30:16What? That's about 60-something quids.
00:30:19You've got a minute and eight seconds.
00:30:20Yeah, you've got £68 worth of damage.
00:30:23Jeremy Clarkson?
00:30:24Yes.
00:30:25Twenty-eight minutes and six seconds.
00:30:27Oh!
00:30:28Don't be stupid!
00:30:29You didn't quite make the half hour!
00:30:31It's rubbish, anyway, because...
00:30:33Is it?
00:30:34Yes, because in the 80s, I did not ram-raid shops.
00:30:37I, frankly, had much better things to do with my cars.
00:30:40What?
00:30:41I can't tell you now.
00:30:43Why not?
00:30:44The producers.
00:30:45What?
00:30:46What I'm going to do, Hammond, you can't do in front of BBC Health and Safety people.
00:30:51Eventually, the producers went to get something to eat.
00:30:55And with the cars mended, I began my demonstration.
00:30:59Right, this is called lap of your own car.
00:31:02What I'm going to do is I'm going to climb out of this window when I'm driving along,
00:31:05over the roof, through the passenger window, and back behind the wheel before the car stops.
00:31:10But you're the driver?
00:31:12Yes.
00:31:13Right.
00:31:14Are we ready? I'm going to pop it into neutral. Here we go.
00:31:16Oh, my God, he's gone!
00:31:18I think this is what George Michael was trying to do.
00:31:20Small steering input.
00:31:22I got it, I got it. I'll just keep...
00:31:24Oh, my God, it doesn't really stick.
00:31:25Right, he's gone. Let's see if I can get him from the outside.
00:31:27He is out of the car.
00:31:28Actually, on the roof of a moving vehicle, I'm doing a lap now!
00:31:32Here he comes, ladies and gentlemen. Here he is coming in.
00:31:35I tell you what, velvet's good. You get better traction.
00:31:40Genuinely strange!
00:31:42It works!
00:31:43Yes!
00:31:44This success centres on a journey down memory lane.
00:31:49Why don't you ask me?
00:31:53Yeah!
00:31:54Two silver trays underneath the rear wheels, handbrake on.
00:31:58Best game in the world.
00:32:02Right, musical chairs. Let it begin.
00:32:04Right, you're now steering.
00:32:06Maybe I have that one for the driver's seat!
00:32:09Your hair!
00:32:10Ah, get off!
00:32:12Poor bottom is touching my sausage!
00:32:14You are so bad!
00:32:15Hey, go back!
00:32:16Go back!
00:32:17Go back!
00:32:18Do anything you want!
00:32:20Oh, my God!
00:32:22Do anything you want!
00:32:24Do anything you want!
00:32:25The 80s were brilliant.
00:32:26They were better.
00:32:27Just much better.
00:32:28Music was better.
00:32:29Yeah, everything was better.
00:32:30Oh, yeah.
00:32:32We then rounded off our don't-try-this-at-home nostalgia trip with a traditional drag race.
00:32:37Three, two, one, go!
00:32:44The mighty Golf GTI!
00:32:46Come on, Nova!
00:32:47Come on, come on, come on!
00:32:48No, he's getting away!
00:32:54What's...
00:32:55Oh!
00:32:56A total victory...
00:33:00Oh, what's happened to Hammond?
00:33:02What had happened to Hammond was not good.
00:33:05Still there.
00:33:06Perhaps it's not used to being the right way up.
00:33:14It's fine!
00:33:16It's fine!
00:33:17Oh, that's good as well, that's good.
00:33:19It's fine.
00:33:24You've...
00:33:25You've knackered that.
00:33:26You've totalled your Nova.
00:33:28It's fine.
00:33:29Yeah.
00:33:34Hammond...
00:33:35Oh, God!
00:33:36Hammond...
00:33:37Would you like to tell the ladies and gentlemen what happened to your Nova?
00:33:41Well, it just blew up.
00:33:42Did it?
00:33:43Or did you change into first rather than third?
00:33:47I did do that a bit.
00:33:48Look, never mind...
00:33:49Never mind about the Nova because the producers, it turns out, are very, very cross with us
00:33:53about our little trip down memory lane.
00:33:55They say it might make young people copy us.
00:33:58I don't see why.
00:33:59It's not like they've ever copied anything else we do, is it?
00:34:01No, you never hear kids go to the barbers and say,
00:34:03could I have hair like James Mays, please?
00:34:05No.
00:34:07It was just really a montage of stuff that was acceptable in the 80s
00:34:10that isn't acceptable now, like wearing white socks.
00:34:13Exactly.
00:34:14Or saying to a female co-worker,
00:34:16oh, you look nice today.
00:34:18Exactly.
00:34:19You can't do that anymore.
00:34:20Anyway, we must move on.
00:34:22Because I want to talk about one of the most evocative words in motoring.
00:34:27Bonneville.
00:34:28Team it with triumph, it's a legendary motorcycle.
00:34:31Team it with salt flats, it's a shrine to the pursuit of speed.
00:34:36Team it with hue and it's neither of those things.
00:34:39But it is tonight's star in a reasonably priced car.
00:34:44Ladies and gentlemen, from Downton Abbey, his favourite TV show,
00:34:48Hugh Barbell!
00:34:50Hey!
00:34:51How are you?
00:34:52He's here.
00:34:53He's here.
00:34:54Have a seat.
00:34:56Richard Hammond is beside himself with excitement.
00:34:59Downton, he's obsessed.
00:35:00Obsessed.
00:35:01But I want to begin, if I may, talking about your early life, your early cars.
00:35:05Despite your, well, legendary name, it doesn't seem like you come from a family of speed freaks.
00:35:18No, no.
00:35:19The Bonneville salt flats don't feature high in my pedigree.
00:35:22We're a family of Volvos when I was growing up.
00:35:25Starting with a, I think it was a 1-2-1, which was a sort of roundy shape.
00:35:29Yeah.
00:35:30Number plate NUV665E.
00:35:32For some reason I can remember that number plate, but I can't remember my own now.
00:35:36Do you know that's a weird thing?
00:35:37I was only talking to James May about this the other day.
00:35:39We can remember the number plates of our father's cars.
00:35:41Yeah.
00:35:42JWY370J and DW510H on the Cortina 1600E.
00:35:46FYR495J on the Volvo 124.
00:35:50So you can remember all your dad's Volvos?
00:35:53Yeah.
00:35:54It's tragic, really, isn't it?
00:35:55So you went through the, they were one series Volvos, so very early ones.
00:35:58They were early, and the weird thing about the first one, the NUV665E,
00:36:03was that my dad regretted selling it.
00:36:05And then he was at a zebra crossing near where we lived in Blackheath
00:36:11and suddenly spotted it about five years later and flagged down the driver
00:36:15and said, if ever you want to sell it, it was the biggest mistake of my life was selling it.
00:36:18And a few months later, the bloke got in touch and it was in the family for the next 10 years.
00:36:22While we're on the subject of family, why did you try to bury your sister
00:36:27when she was still perfectly healthy?
00:36:32I can't believe you've asked me that question. That's quite embarrassing.
00:36:36Well, she'd been quite annoying. I was about eight.
00:36:39And she was 16, I think. And I went and complained to Mum as, you know,
00:36:44and she was sort of, I don't know, cooking supper and said,
00:36:46yes, that must be really annoying for you.
00:36:47I said, I'm going to kill her, but first of all, I'm going to dig her a grave.
00:36:51And she said, yes, dear, dinner will be in, you know, half an hour.
00:36:53So I went out the back and I got the shovel and I started digging this.
00:36:57I measured it out, six foot long and, you know, that wide.
00:37:00I started digging. I got about three inches probably.
00:37:03And the weird thing was that magpie were filming in our street
00:37:08and they were doing a programme about rag and bone men,
00:37:11picking up junk from them.
00:37:12And so my mum had run out to say,
00:37:14oh, yeah, we've got an old tin bath or something if you want it.
00:37:16And so they said, can we film, you know,
00:37:18coming round the back of the house to where the tin bath was?
00:37:21And the cameraman fell in the grave.
00:37:25I hate to say to add, I love my sister.
00:37:27Yeah, I tried to kill her.
00:37:29I once tried to kill my sister when she put a drawing pin through my space hopper.
00:37:34Bitch.
00:37:38You heard that, Joanna.
00:37:40Lord Grantham just called you her.
00:37:44Did you not, though, have a flirtation with Triumphs as a family?
00:37:47Well, I always coveted my aunt's Triumph stag, which is a beautiful car.
00:37:50And then the selfish cow sold it rather than give it to me for free, you know.
00:37:55But stags. You'd suit a stag.
00:37:57A stag.
00:37:59Because you don't actually drive a two-seater sports car, from what I understand.
00:38:02No, I don't.
00:38:03I currently have an XC90, a Volvo XC90.
00:38:06A fine car.
00:38:07I bought it off a friend about ten years ago,
00:38:09and it has served us very well,
00:38:10but I'm going to go to an Audi Q5.
00:38:14Is that what it's called?
00:38:15Yeah, is that really snooze for you?
00:38:16That's like forsaking all food and saying,
00:38:19I'm going to live for the rest of my life on nothing but wallpaper patched.
00:38:23It's an appallingly...
00:38:24What?
00:38:25Damn it.
00:38:26What?
00:38:27Stop talking to him about cars.
00:38:29I do.
00:38:30You've never...
00:38:31Never.
00:38:32You're always having a cup of tea.
00:38:34What?
00:38:35Stop talking to him about cars.
00:38:36Yeah, I know.
00:38:37Because he's from Downton Abbey and that's just better.
00:38:40You know?
00:38:41That's Lord Grantham over there.
00:38:42I know.
00:38:43Yes, I know.
00:38:44He's looking at me.
00:38:45He's a son.
00:38:49What was she?
00:38:50Ask him a question about...
00:38:51What question?
00:38:52Who's Lady Mary going to marry?
00:38:53Which one?
00:38:54Just ask that.
00:38:55I'm over here.
00:38:56Who is Lady Mary going to marry?
00:38:58I have no idea.
00:39:00I'm sorry, Richard.
00:39:01I don't know.
00:39:02He doesn't know.
00:39:03He doesn't know.
00:39:04Hammond!
00:39:05He's not here to talk about Downton, you're here to talk about your new film.
00:39:08Exactly.
00:39:09Exactly.
00:39:10Go away.
00:39:11Back in your box, Hammond.
00:39:12Go away.
00:39:13Anyway, the new film, The Monuments Man.
00:39:15Yes.
00:39:16Tell me, what is that about?
00:39:17It is based on the true story of these rather unsung heroes of the Second World War,
00:39:22who were art historians and museum curators, who were sent in after D-Day, largely, to try
00:39:29and locate the art and the treasures that the Nazis were spiriting away.
00:39:33And also to try and persuade the Allies not to blow up that particular church, because
00:39:37there are Germans in it, because it does contain, you know, part of our culture.
00:39:40Oh, really?
00:39:41And that's a true story?
00:39:42It's based on a true story.
00:39:43Well, we've got a clip.
00:39:44Oh, I haven't seen anything.
00:39:45No, no, no.
00:39:46Well, you can have a look at yourself on telly.
00:39:48Look, here we go.
00:39:49And finally, we have your sculptor, Sergeant Walter Garfield.
00:39:52He's a good egg.
00:39:53I worked with him on the World War I Memorial in St. Louis.
00:39:56Uh-huh.
00:39:57St. Louis.
00:39:58St. Stokes!
00:39:59How are you, old boy?
00:40:01Hey, Walter.
00:40:02How are they treating you?
00:40:04They're taking it pretty easy on us.
00:40:06I think they feel sorry for us old guys.
00:40:08I don't much fancy an obstacle course.
00:40:10It's not so bad.
00:40:11By the end, you're just crawling on your belly while teenagers shoot blanks over your head.
00:40:15Well, yes and no.
00:40:17How's that?
00:40:18Yes, they are teenagers.
00:40:19And no?
00:40:20They're not blanks.
00:40:21That looks like my sort of film.
00:40:23That is my sort of film.
00:40:24Now, this is George Clooney.
00:40:25And he directed it as well, didn't he?
00:40:26George directed it.
00:40:27He stars in it.
00:40:28He produced it.
00:40:29He co-wrote it.
00:40:30No, but that is, because I've been wondering, looking at what you're doing at the moment,
00:40:43is how on earth you are fitting it all in?
00:40:45Because you're also working on, what is it called, W1A?
00:40:47Yes, W1A is a spin-off of a show I did called 2012.
00:40:51Which was fabulous.
00:40:52Thank you very much.
00:40:53I properly loved that.
00:40:54Thank you, which was a sort of mockumentary about trying to organise the Olympics.
00:40:57And obviously, my character made such a success of organising the Olympics, I'm now the go-to
00:41:02man to sort out corporate issues.
00:41:04So, what better place than to go into the BBC?
00:41:07Because when I heard that this was happening, and in fact, I can see all the location signs
00:41:11around the BBC buildings where you're actually filming it.
00:41:13I'm thinking, how do you make fiction about BBC management funnier than what actually happened?
00:41:20Because, do you know Broadcasting House, the new big building on top of Regent Street,
00:41:24Portland Place, you're not allowed in there, even if you're BBC staff, unless you've been
00:41:29on a half-hour health and safety course on how to operate the building.
00:41:34Well, I started that course.
00:41:35It's an eight-page document.
00:41:36Lady with an eight-page document arrived to talk me through it.
00:41:39And page one was a picture of a fire alarm in a red fire alarm box.
00:41:43It said, this is a fire alarm.
00:41:45And page two, the graphic on a green sign with a man running like this was the word exit.
00:41:51That's an emergency exit.
00:41:53And at that point, I was taken off to do some filming.
00:41:55So, I still haven't gone through.
00:41:56Oh, you haven't completed the course?
00:41:57I haven't completed the course.
00:41:58I still haven't been.
00:41:59I've been escorted around Broadcasting House unless I'm confused by a light fitting.
00:42:03Yes.
00:42:04Or something of that nature.
00:42:05It is stupid.
00:42:06Absolutely.
00:42:07But I'm longing to see something that satirises it.
00:42:09But again, how are you doing it with that?
00:42:11I mean, you must be the world's busiest man.
00:42:13Presumably, you drove very quickly round the lap so you could get home more quickly.
00:42:18No.
00:42:19No, I'm not a speed merchant.
00:42:21At the beginning, when the stick took me round, I was really terrified being in the passenger
00:42:26seat.
00:42:27I thought, I'll never be able to do this.
00:42:28And by the end, as your guys will tell you, you know, I refused to get out.
00:42:31I wanted to go again and again.
00:42:32Who here would like to see the lap?
00:42:34Yes!
00:42:35Lay the tape.
00:42:36Let's have a look.
00:42:41The car fresh after its long rest.
00:42:43Come on, son!
00:42:45Look at the tech line streaming down.
00:42:49That is wet, actually.
00:42:50That really is pouring down.
00:42:51And that's odd for England.
00:42:53If you're watching abroad, it's never normally like that here.
00:42:56Yeah.
00:42:57Where's the line?
00:42:58Where's the white line?
00:42:59Oh, there.
00:43:00No, you may laugh, but weirdly, it is quite tricky to see the lines when the track is soaking
00:43:06wet.
00:43:07It's really steamy.
00:43:09You do need to get that sort of thing sorted out before you set off.
00:43:18Even though those lines are invisible from behind the wheel, you've done a pretty good
00:43:22job through, that's not bad.
00:43:24Woo-hoo!
00:43:25Perfectly judged.
00:43:30Must remember to get some milk.
00:43:33Worse than Kimi Raikkonen for not paying attention, but no worries through there at all.
00:43:38Tyres.
00:43:40Speedy, moving them about nicely.
00:43:42Ooh, that is quick.
00:43:44Right, you're on the wrong side of the road there, but never mind.
00:43:47It's nicely done, and you haven't gone off on the second to last corner.
00:43:50Gambon, a bit of understeer.
00:43:53That car grips well, and there we are across the line.
00:43:56Wow.
00:43:57Now, aha!
00:44:08Just realised, that's the first ever wet lap we've had in that car.
00:44:12Nobody else has driven around in the rain.
00:44:14So, bearing that in mind, where do you think you've come?
00:44:19Well, erm, I suspect it's somewhere.
00:44:22I would think between Ron Howard and Steven Tyler, bearing in mind it's wet.
00:44:25Right, so somewhere between 150 and 151 is what you think you've done.
00:44:29Well, you Bonneville, you did it in...
00:44:40150.1.
00:44:44Which means you're the first guest ever to guess correctly...
00:44:49Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
00:44:51The first...
00:44:54Oh, you just put Steven Tyler?
00:44:56No, I'll cross it out!
00:44:57Wrong!
00:44:58Wrong!
00:44:59Very professional show.
00:45:00There, look, correct!
00:45:02To be brutally honest with you, the Stig did say that you have a natural talent,
00:45:06and if it had been dry, you would have been very close to the top.
00:45:10Well, that's an accolade.
00:45:11It is.
00:45:12No, it is.
00:45:13I'll go away happy, thank you.
00:45:14Ladies and gentlemen, thank you so much.
00:45:15Hugh Bonneville!
00:45:23Right.
00:45:24Tonight, the boys and girls who produce Top Gear are on a mission to prove that the hot hatchbacks
00:45:29of our era were rubbish.
00:45:31Yeah.
00:45:32Things are not going well for me, because I've slightly damaged the...
00:45:35Ruined.
00:45:36Slightly damaged...
00:45:37Whatever.
00:45:38...damaged the engine in my Nova, and it's on the back of a tow truck.
00:45:41But despite this, we had been told to report to somewhere we couldn't pronounce, in Wales.
00:45:47Having crossed the Severn Estuary, we soon arrived at the location.
00:46:05And here, on this huge, abandoned army base, crisscrossed with more than 30 miles of deserted roads,
00:46:12we received the details of our challenge.
00:46:15Oh, hello.
00:46:16Why is it an envelope and not a text?
00:46:18That's a good point.
00:46:19Well, we're in Wales, no signal.
00:46:21Ah.
00:46:22Yeah, we're back to the old ways.
00:46:24Come on, then, what is it?
00:46:25Because the drivers of 80s hatchbacks were irresponsible and stupid, they were often chased by the 50.
00:46:31Er, James, it means 5-0.
00:46:33As in Hawaii, 5-0.
00:46:34It's the police.
00:46:35Yeah, whatever.
00:46:36The 50?
00:46:37Well, yeah, anyway.
00:46:38You will now go head-to-head with the Top Gear police department.
00:46:42Each of you will take it in turns to drive your own car, while the other two will use a selection of police vehicles to try and stop you.
00:46:49That sounds quite good.
00:46:50It does sound good.
00:46:51I tell you what, Hammond, you go first.
00:46:53Um, good, yes.
00:46:55I might need a minute.
00:46:58While Hammond mended his car, James and I broke out the TGPD pursuit vehicles and slipped into our police uniforms.
00:47:13OK.
00:47:14Hammond, are you ready?
00:47:15Yes, I am.
00:47:16This is going to be good.
00:47:17Three.
00:47:18Two.
00:47:19One.
00:47:20Start the clock.
00:47:27We are off.
00:47:34Yeah, it's just warming up.
00:47:36Here we go.
00:47:37Excuse me, sir.
00:47:38My moustache would like a word with you.
00:47:39If you'd like to step out of the vehicle.
00:47:40You're nicked, sunshine.
00:47:41What did I do?
00:47:42How long?
00:47:43Eight seconds.
00:47:44Do you know, another fault.
00:47:45Did it?
00:47:46Very, very similar.
00:47:47It manifested itself similarly to the last one that I repaired.
00:47:50Tell that to the judge, sunshine.
00:47:51Right.
00:47:52Jeremy then put on the yobbo outfit and lined up his velvet golf on the start line.
00:47:56Three.
00:47:57Two.
00:47:58One.
00:47:59Begin.
00:48:00There we are.
00:48:01Eight seconds.
00:48:02I've already beaten Hammond.
00:48:03Woo!
00:48:04Woo!
00:48:05Woo!
00:48:06Woo!
00:48:07Woo!
00:48:08Woo!
00:48:09Woo!
00:48:10Woo!
00:48:11Woo!
00:48:12Woo!
00:48:13Woo!
00:48:14Woo!
00:48:15Woo!
00:48:16Woo!
00:48:17Woo!
00:48:18Woo!
00:48:19Woo!
00:48:20Woo!
00:48:21Woo!
00:48:22Woo!
00:48:23Woo!
00:48:24Woo!
00:48:25Woo!
00:48:26Woo!
00:48:27Woo!
00:48:28Woo!
00:48:29Woo!
00:48:30Woo!
00:48:31Woo!
00:48:32Woo!
00:48:33Woo!
00:48:34You see, what we're learning straight away is that a modern police Astra is no match for
00:48:39a 1980s hot hatchback.
00:48:46And it wasn't just the Astras that were causing problems.
00:48:50Recent figures show that in London, 12 police cars are crashed every day.
00:48:57And the reason is it's because they're driving in high-energy difficult situations
00:49:02while under the influence of a moustache.
00:49:07Got a moustache. Got a moustache. Got a moustache.
00:49:16Oh, he's lost! He's lost it!
00:49:20Culturally distracted by his face decoration.
00:49:29The Astras unable to close the gap.
00:49:32Come on!
00:49:35The chase went on and on and on.
00:49:41The next morning, the weather had become extremely Welsh.
00:49:52But still, the gulf was uncaught.
00:49:56This isn't working, sir.
00:49:58No, I agree. I think we're going to have to break out the Top Gear Police Department Magnatron of Justice.
00:50:02If anything could stop the miscreant, it was this.
00:50:09A giant crane with a seven kilowatt magnet suspended from its arm.
00:50:15A machine that could render any vehicle immobile in moments.
00:50:20Right, let's go get him.
00:50:27Soon, the trap was set.
00:50:33Hmm, what's this?
00:50:34Arming magnet.
00:50:36Here he comes.
00:50:50Ha-ha-ha!
00:51:02Blithering idiots. Do they not realise you can't use a magnet to pick up velvet?
00:51:07There was only one thing for it.
00:51:11Unleash the TGPD remote-controlled car of death.
00:51:16Target vehicle, identified and located.
00:51:20Where the hell are they?
00:51:23How can this be a police chase when they aren't chasing me anymore?
00:51:28Target acquired.
00:51:29Target acquired.
00:51:36Sir, you might want to put your fingers in your ears.
00:51:39I don't know where those two are or what they're plotting, but it won't work.
00:51:47This car is simply...
00:51:50...convinced.
00:52:00Bigger than I was expecting, Constable.
00:52:07Yes, sir, it was, sir.
00:52:13So, it turns out that velvet is impervious to magnets, but it is pervious to dynamite.
00:52:21Nevertheless, I felt confident that James would not be able to beat my evasion time of 14 hours and 22 minutes.
00:52:31In three, two, one, start the clock.
00:52:39However, as he set off, it became clear he'd come up with an unusual plan.
00:52:46What is he doing?
00:52:47Now, the thing is, viewers, whenever you watch police camera action or see a real police chase, the person trying to get away is always going ludicrously fast.
00:52:58But actually, what's the point?
00:53:00You just panic and have an accident and that's the end of that.
00:53:03But if you just do normal speed, they still can't get you out of the car, can they?
00:53:08Keen to prove him wrong, I initiated the TGPD anti-terrorism move.
00:53:17Here we go.
00:53:21Pushing, pushing.
00:53:25Got him.
00:53:26He's just driven off.
00:53:36As the hours crawled by, we tried many things.
00:53:40Stop him! Stop him, Constable!
00:53:42How's that gonna help?
00:53:44I'm falling off the bonnet!
00:53:46What are you gonna do if the doors are locked? You can't pull a man out of a car.
00:53:49This isn't a wreck!
00:53:58Happily though, after many hours of tedious pursuit...
00:54:02Weaving...
00:54:04...weaving...
00:54:06...James finally made a mistake.
00:54:09Oh crikey, this is a dead end.
00:54:12Yes, his sense of direction is letting down.
00:54:15Aha! In we go! Yes!
00:54:18Oh!
00:54:20We've got him! We finally have him!
00:54:23We don't have him, he's closed my door!
00:54:30He's done it again!
00:54:32And now look!
00:54:34I've damaged the police car!
00:54:36This meant I was now delayed with police paperwork.
00:54:40I...
00:54:42...were...
00:54:44...in pursuit...
00:54:46...of a pleb.
00:54:48I see one male.
00:54:50He...
00:54:52...did...
00:54:54...crash into me...
00:54:56...at speed.
00:54:58I'm gonna get that bastard!
00:55:06Whilst Jeremy had been finessing his statement...
00:55:10...I had decided it was time to skewer May with the TGPD Prongs of Doom.
00:55:16It's a heavy, high mobility engineer excavator...
00:55:27...and it's built by JCB for the military.
00:55:30It weighs 13 and a half tons...
00:55:34...but it's got a 6.7 liter straight six turbo diesel...
00:55:38...and it can do 63 miles an hour.
00:55:41James May, you have him...
00:55:45...wherever you are.
00:55:50James had vanished...
00:55:52...but we had just the thing to find him again.
00:55:56The time has come, I think, to deploy the Top Gear Police Department...
00:56:01...drone of intrusiveness.
00:56:05With its military-spec nose-mounted reconnaissance camera...
00:56:09...it would track down May in a heartbeat.
00:56:14Here we go.
00:56:18The drone of intrusiveness has crashed.
00:56:21Eventually, I got the drone airborne...
00:56:27...and began the hunt for OJ May.
00:56:38Wait a minute, wait a minute.
00:56:41Ooh, you sneaky little...
00:56:44James was hiding in an abandoned garage bay.
00:56:48But if he thought he was safe there...
00:56:51...he had another thing coming.
00:56:57Welcome, everyone, to the Top Gear Police Department...
00:57:01...E.T. Thing of Devastation.
00:57:05This was designed primarily for mine clearance...
00:57:09...but in the TGPD, we use it in a rather different way.
00:57:17Ah, there is Constable Hammond.
00:57:20The enemy behind that wall...
00:57:22...no idea what is coming.
00:57:29Engaging flails!
00:57:32Flails engaged!
00:57:37I'm not sure...
00:57:39...he should be operating that thing.
00:57:40Yes, look at that!
00:57:51Yes, look at that!
00:57:52Yes, look at that!
00:58:14He's not where he...
00:58:16What he isn't, sir, is there.
00:58:21Situation update.
00:58:23In three minutes' time, I will have beaten Jeremy's record...
00:58:26...on the run, at a reasonable speed.
00:58:29But the TGPD toy box wasn't empty yet.
00:58:38Whoa!
00:58:39Oh, hello, it looks like Constable Hammond's got the hang of tank driving.
00:58:52The first thing you need to know is...
00:58:54...I have an erection.
00:58:58Coming at you, James May!
00:59:00Oh, no!
00:59:01The Top Gear Police Department Tank of Righteousness is right on my tail.
00:59:05What am I going to do?
00:59:07I know.
00:59:11Easy!
00:59:15Right!
00:59:20Oh, hang on a minute.
00:59:23He's stopped.
00:59:25He's given up.
00:59:26And on that bombshell...
00:59:48...back to the studio.
00:59:49It's interesting...
00:59:51It's interesting, I think...
00:59:53...an important question was raised in that film.
00:59:56Because if you have a moustache...
00:59:58...how do you concentrate on doing anything other than having a moustache?
01:00:00I know, I felt like I was a life-support machine for a moustache.
01:00:02I mean, if you're a Bond disposal man...
01:00:04...and you've got to defuse a Bond, he's just sitting there going, I've got a moustache, I've got a moustache...
01:00:06...I've got a moustache...
01:00:07...I've got a moustache...
01:00:09...how do you concentrate on doing anything other than having a moustache?
01:00:11I know, I felt like I was a life-support machine for a moustache.
01:00:15I mean, if you're a Bond disposal man...
01:00:17...and you've got to defuse a Bond, he's just sitting there going, I've got a moustache, I've got a moustache...
01:00:20...how did Nigel Mansell win a Formula One World Champion?
01:00:25I know, you don't have a moustache, but just let me show you what it's like to have one.
01:00:30Permanently. It's like that. Permanently. What do you do for a living?
01:00:34Transport manager.
01:00:35You couldn't be a transport manager if I was doing that to you permanently.
01:00:44Anyway, we must get on to the cars, because I have just received a text.
01:00:46The results of the car evasion challenge.
01:00:50Jeremy Clarkson.
01:00:5214 hours, 22 minutes.
01:00:54Richard Hammock.
01:00:56I think it's autocorrect again.
01:00:57Yes, I think it is.
01:00:58Yeah, it is.
01:00:598 seconds.
01:01:00James May.
01:01:0114 hours, 21 minutes.
01:01:03Oh, blast!
01:01:04So there you are.
01:01:05Hang on, hang on, let's get this sorted out.
01:01:07So the Fiesta won the supermarket sweep.
01:01:09The Golf won the police chase.
01:01:11And the Nova won the hill climb.
01:01:12Yeah.
01:01:13Yes, actually that does mean each of our cars is a winner.
01:01:16Precisely.
01:01:17Which means that the older hot hatchback is better than the modern hot hatchback.
01:01:21It does.
01:01:22It does.
01:01:23Which means we were right.
01:01:24Yeah.
01:01:25And on that bombshell it's time to end.
01:01:27Thank you very much for watching.
01:01:28Good night!
01:01:29The toughest test a former Team GB triathlete will ever face.
01:01:38Next on BBC Two, the Dragon's Den opens its doors.
01:01:41But will they have a thirst for a new energy drink?
01:01:44Whilst it's Sunday night drama with the Musketeers swinging into action over on BBC One now.
01:01:49On BBC One now.
01:01:50On BBC One now.
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