- 2 days ago
In Episode 6, the team evaluate three stripped-out track-day cars — the KTM X-Bow, Morgan Three Wheeler and Caterham R500 — to decide which is the ultimate fun-on-a-budget machine. Jeremy also puts the aero-engineered Bentley and flame-spitting retro ‘Brutus’ car through their paces. Guest star: Alex James.
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MotorTranscript
00:00:00Tonight we get very cold and wet, I re-enact the Battle of Britain, and there's a blur in our reasonably priced car.
00:00:30Hello, thank you so much everybody, thank you. Now, we begin with track days. The idea behind them is very simple.
00:00:40During the week when there's no actual motor racing going on, the owners of race circuits allow people to rock up and spend the day whizzing around in their own cars.
00:00:49Yeah, and this sort of thing is now so popular, you can even buy cars specifically designed with track days in mind.
00:00:56So, we decided to go down to the Simply Sausages Donington race track to sort out which one is best.
00:01:12This is the original track day car, and in my opinion, still the best.
00:01:26It's the Caterham 7, but it's no ordinary Caterham 7, this is the R500 Superlite.
00:01:35It is, as you'd guess, less heavy. It has no frills, no adornments, no garnish apart from a few stripes.
00:01:41It's simple, it's pure, it's an unadulterated driving experience, and I absolutely love it.
00:01:46But, and this is a weird thing, Jeremy Clarkson believes he's come up with something better.
00:01:58Yes, I have. This is the KTM crossbow. Part insect, part terrain-following missile.
00:02:07Wait a minute. What? I thought you were bringing that new thing they're making in Cheshire.
00:02:17What, the BAC Mono? Yes. It broke down.
00:02:21Where did it break down? In the factory.
00:02:24What, it broke down while they were still building it? Yes. No, it really did.
00:02:28So, this is my second choice, and despite that, it's still better than yours.
00:02:33Is it? Yes. Why is that, then?
00:02:35Because yours is from the 1950s, and this is from this morning.
00:02:40Carbon fibre panels, mid-engined, pushrod-actuated, double wishbone suspension.
00:02:46How much is it? 49,000.
00:02:48Yeah, you see, mine's £41,000, so it's cheaper. Yes. And it's better.
00:02:52This was fine in 1961. It's not the same car anymore, is it?
00:02:56It's got, you know, a better engine, it's got better suspension, better materials,
00:02:59it's been made slightly wider, it's got modern instruments, it's got...
00:03:02Modern instruments? ...a sequential shift.
00:03:05At this point, we were joined by our colleague.
00:03:08What in the name of all that's holy?
00:03:14Ha-ha! You see, if you want a car built purely for fun, then you want this.
00:03:20It's the latest Morgan. It's made largely from aluminium,
00:03:23which is mixed with wood.
00:03:26But then that's the way Morgan build their cars, you see.
00:03:29Why has it got RAF roundels on it?
00:03:31Well, because, interestingly, it has been styled to look reminiscent of an aeroplane.
00:03:35It's got aeroplane style... It hasn't got wings!
00:03:37It's got aeroplane style gauges.
00:03:38Why is the engine not in the car?
00:03:40Because it's an air-cooled V-twin, and it needs to be outside,
00:03:43because that's where the air is.
00:03:45What's in there? Oil tank and the battery.
00:03:48I think move to the back if we may, Hammond, where we have another question.
00:03:52Yes, of course. And the question I'm going to ask is,
00:03:54it doesn't have any back wheels.
00:03:56No, it does. It has one in the middle, there.
00:03:59So it's action tricycle? It is a tricycle.
00:04:01It's a three-wheeler. It's reminiscent of the original Morgan three-wheeler.
00:04:04Ask me what it weighs. Ask me what it weighs.
00:04:07What does it weigh?
00:04:08495 kilos. Less than 500 kilos.
00:04:11But it's only half the car.
00:04:13If I sawed my leg off, I'd weigh much less than I do now.
00:04:16It wouldn't actually function any more. I'd keep falling over.
00:04:18No, this is good. You could pick this up and put it in your pocket if you so, Charles.
00:04:21It looks like a coal scuttle.
00:04:23I've got to ask, how much?
00:04:25With taxis and things? Yes.
00:04:27£30,000.
00:04:28£30,000?
00:04:30It'd probably be £40,000 if it had four wheels.
00:04:33Did you say as well, it's made from wood?
00:04:36That's how Morgan build cars.
00:04:38Traditional.
00:04:39There are elements of wood in here.
00:04:40I reckon, if you went to Morgan and said, would you like some diptheria?
00:04:43They'd say, yes, please, because that's traditional.
00:04:45Wood is light and flexible and endlessly renewable.
00:04:48An excellent material to build cars from.
00:04:50The only reason more people don't do it is that you need craftsmen to build it.
00:04:53You can't just have some week pressing a button.
00:04:55That's not true.
00:04:56The Nissan GTR would be worse if it was made of wood.
00:04:59The early aeroplanes were made from wood, but the Boeing 747 isn't.
00:05:02There's no wood in it.
00:05:04Eventually, the producers told us to stop arguing about wood
00:05:08and get on with the first challenge.
00:05:10A simple straight-line race from 0 to 100 and then back to 0 again.
00:05:15Sadly, though, this led to another dispute.
00:05:20What do you mean, a Le Mans start?
00:05:22Well, on go, we run to our cars, jump in, start them and drive off.
00:05:26Running? It's not a school sports day. You have an egg and a spoon.
00:05:31Look, it's two against one. Just be ready for it.
00:05:33Yeah.
00:05:34OK?
00:05:35Three, two, one, go.
00:05:36I hate running.
00:05:37This is just stupid!
00:05:41We could have been finished by now.
00:05:47Hammond has already begun!
00:05:48See, the torque now, the mighty 1.9-litre beats wind.
00:05:54Sadly, my elderly colleagues were struggling to even get going.
00:05:59Very complicated starting procedure, this mode.
00:06:02Eventually, James was belted in place, a bit too tightly as it turned out.
00:06:08Oh, bloody hell!
00:06:13Why won't you start?!
00:06:15Stop saying ready to race!
00:06:19Out of pity for their incompetence, I decided to abort.
00:06:24Can I make a suggestion?
00:06:25What?
00:06:26We're here to test the cars.
00:06:27We're not here to find out who's the fattest.
00:06:29Or which has got the most complicated starting procedure.
00:06:32Yeah, or whose belts are badly adjusted.
00:06:34That's not the point. Let's just do it normally.
00:06:36But with a Le Mans start, I won.
00:06:38No!
00:06:39Well, yes, but that's just because you're the fittest.
00:06:41But I won the Le Mans start.
00:06:42Well, let's do an old man's version.
00:06:44OK.
00:06:45Oh!
00:06:46Do I have to have my foot on the brake?
00:06:47Yes!
00:06:56I should be all right here.
00:06:57I've got the best power to weight ratio.
00:06:58I've got the fastest car.
00:07:00Sequential gearbox.
00:07:02Good view ahead.
00:07:06Three.
00:07:07Two.
00:07:08One.
00:07:13Great start into second.
00:07:15Why do they get away?
00:07:19Hundred.
00:07:22Now Jeremy's stopped in the way.
00:07:24I'll have to go past.
00:07:26I'm not sure that's miles an hour.
00:07:28That might be fuel pressure.
00:07:30It was.
00:07:31So we went back to the start line to try again.
00:07:39Three.
00:07:40Two.
00:07:42No!
00:07:44James went on two.
00:07:46Oh, this is ridiculous.
00:07:47So we lined up for attempt number four.
00:07:50How hard can it be for three grown men to see which is the fastest at 0 to 100 and then back to 0 again?
00:07:58Three.
00:07:59Two.
00:08:00One.
00:08:04God, it's shift.
00:08:05Six.
00:08:06One.
00:08:07Five.
00:08:08One.
00:08:10Why's that happen?
00:08:12What?
00:08:13It's an 100 already.
00:08:14Ha, ha, ha.
00:08:15Hundred.
00:08:22Why did he brake so soon?
00:08:25Ow!
00:08:26As it turned out, James' celebrations were premature
00:08:30because he'd been reading his speedo in kilometres an hour.
00:08:34Oh, cock.
00:08:36Still, could be worse.
00:08:38It's five.
00:08:40Oh, no, there's a corner. I'm going to have to...
00:08:42Oh, f***.
00:08:4570, 80... Oh, corner.
00:08:49Oh, this is impossible.
00:08:51James decided that rather than do the test again,
00:08:54he'd show his car was the fastest using maths.
00:08:58It's this simple. I've got a crib sheet of all the facts, OK?
00:09:02Yours weighs almost twice as much as mine.
00:09:05Yes. OK?
00:09:06Hang on. Hang on.
00:09:10Still not doing 100.
00:09:1275, 80, 85...
00:09:15Oh, now the speedo's died.
00:09:19It's got a better power-to-weight ratio than a Bugatti Veyron.
00:09:22517 horsepower per tug.
00:09:25I was forced to agree with James' conclusions,
00:09:28so I came up with a new test.
00:09:31Cornering is everything, and with my pushrod-actuated suspension,
00:09:34I will go round corners faster than you can,
00:09:36and there is no arguing with that.
00:09:39Well, there is, actually,
00:09:40because I've had these photographs printed out,
00:09:43and they are all photographs of crossbows
00:09:46just after they've done some cornering.
00:09:48That one's parked in a tree.
00:09:49Yes, it is.
00:09:50Well, actually, it's hanging from a crane near a tree, but, yes.
00:09:53Ooh, that's just outside a bend there.
00:09:56Oh, dear, a ditch near a bend.
00:09:58In the armcote, near a corner.
00:10:01Look at that.
00:10:01Even though there was plenty of evidence to suggest
00:10:04I'd be killed by a cornering test,
00:10:06Richard probably wouldn't fare much better, either.
00:10:10The producers said we should see
00:10:12which car would be fastest through the old hairpin.
00:10:15And because we were having such trouble reading our speedos,
00:10:19they set up a police-style radar trap.
00:10:26Why is everything breaking today?
00:10:28Why doesn't that happen to the police?
00:10:30It doesn't, does it?
00:10:30Guarantee that would work.
00:10:31Well, yeah, but the NHS computer wouldn't work.
00:10:33That's trying to help you.
00:10:34There is a man over there that can print out a receipt for us.
00:10:36He will tell us the cornering speed.
00:10:38With the speed equipment sort of working,
00:10:40I set off to disprove James's photographic evidence.
00:10:45It's not just the push-rod actuated suspension.
00:10:49It's the tyres that are going to put me in good stead.
00:10:52Very sticky tyres.
00:10:54I doubt he's got a clue what push-rod suspending does.
00:10:56No, no idea.
00:10:57No.
00:10:57And the time is 69.491 miles an hour.
00:11:05Is that good?
00:11:06I'm not either.
00:11:07Then it was James's turn.
00:11:10Listen to that.
00:11:10He's gone right the way up nearly to the red line.
00:11:13Where does it go?
00:11:13Yes, down here.
00:11:14Here we go.
00:11:17He went the right way.
00:11:19He was going the right way,
00:11:20but did you see how far he was from the apex?
00:11:23How fast was he?
00:11:2459.
00:11:24What do we call him?
00:11:26What's his nickname?
00:11:28Captain Quick.
00:11:29Captain Quick!
00:11:30No.
00:11:30That isn't there.
00:11:32Finally, Richard took a brave pill
00:11:33and stepped into the tricycle.
00:11:36Oh, God, I am so screwed here.
00:11:39I mean, the wheels.
00:11:41Those are not wide tyres.
00:11:45What do they do, the push-rods?
00:11:48Many.
00:11:49What?
00:11:49Many things.
00:11:50Yeah, but they must do something specific.
00:11:52They don't make the engine go.
00:11:53What do they do in the suspension?
00:11:55They make everything better.
00:11:56I mean, suspension.
00:11:58Yes, yes, I have some.
00:12:01Some there and some there.
00:12:02And a bit back there.
00:12:03But more than that.
00:12:05Ah!
00:12:06They're better.
00:12:06Why?
00:12:07They just aren't.
00:12:08Yeah, but why?
00:12:10Many reasons.
00:12:11Come on, my little three-wheel friend.
00:12:13Here he comes, ladies and gentlemen.
00:12:15Doff your hats.
00:12:16Roll out the barrel.
00:12:17Any old iron, any old iron, any, any, any old iron.
00:12:21I'm going to give it the full sterling mass.
00:12:24Yeah!
00:12:27He's clinging on with his elbow.
00:12:29He's actually, you can see the sinews in his arm.
00:12:31The sound is from the 1930s.
00:12:33Did the picture go black and white as you went past?
00:12:36Wow!
00:12:40Hammond, James' fastest time was 59.8.
00:12:43Your fastest time, 60.4.
00:12:47Oh, there it is!
00:12:48Little Morgan, well done!
00:12:51James and I had been greatly looking forward
00:12:54to Richard's car falling over in the cornering challenge.
00:12:57And since it hadn't, we quickly came up with another idea.
00:13:01Donuts.
00:13:02We're going to see...
00:13:03Donuts.
00:13:03Yeah.
00:13:04Which one of us can do the best donuts?
00:13:06It was James' idea.
00:13:07He loves them.
00:13:07Are you two just trying to think of challenges
00:13:09that you reckon my car can't do?
00:13:11Yes.
00:13:11No.
00:13:11No.
00:13:12The trouble is, I didn't think the crossbow
00:13:14would be much good either.
00:13:16I'm not sure with these tyres,
00:13:18which are so sticky that this is going to work.
00:13:20It's like driving on superglue.
00:13:33You do it.
00:13:34So he did.
00:13:35And he was rather good.
00:13:40Now, this is a donut.
00:13:42That's James May, everybody, doing a donut.
00:13:46That's like watching a vicar playing poker.
00:13:48Strip poker.
00:13:49Then came the moment we'd all been waiting for.
00:13:55Ladies and gentlemen, sit back now
00:13:57and get ready to laugh your ears off.
00:14:01As Hammond does a dough,
00:14:03he's only got one wheel,
00:14:04so he can't do a whole doughnut.
00:14:05Well, how's that possible?
00:14:21You didn't expect that, did you?
00:14:30Neither did I.
00:14:30I thought this was a stupid test.
00:14:32Oh, because I won.
00:14:37At this point, we decided to abandon the tests
00:14:40and do what people actually do on track days.
00:14:43Drive.
00:14:44This design may be as old as Jeremy's,
00:14:48but if what you're interested in
00:14:51is the sensation of driving a car
00:14:54and everything that involves,
00:14:55then you will love this.
00:14:58I know Jeremy's blathering on about push rods,
00:15:01but this has quite sophisticated suspension as well.
00:15:04All fully adjustable.
00:15:05And let's not forget that Kate from now is an F1 team.
00:15:09In fact, I had only one complaint about my car.
00:15:13I was expecting it to be quite sudden
00:15:22when you get to the limit, but it isn't.
00:15:26It's remarkably forgiving.
00:15:29But if I've got one criticism of this car,
00:15:31I'd say it's a bit safe, a bit soft.
00:15:34It's almost like they've edited it
00:15:36to make it easy for everybody.
00:15:39I'm not entirely sure that this is,
00:15:44strictly speaking, a track day car as such.
00:15:47But God, it's fun!
00:15:50I'm having more fun than I've never had in a long time.
00:15:54What's a 64.5 seconds top speed at 115 miles an hour?
00:16:00Two big pistons firing away.
00:16:03Dog, dog, dog, dog, dog.
00:16:09Dog, dog.
00:16:13On a track day, of course,
00:16:14there's always one absolute rule.
00:16:17No racing.
00:16:20Must get past James.
00:16:22Must overtake.
00:16:24Two liter engine in that caterham
00:16:26is the same racing unit
00:16:27you find in a Ford Galaxy people carrier.
00:16:30Whereas the two liter turbo in this
00:16:33is from a gold GTI.
00:16:35It's just better.
00:16:36Right, now here's the problem, James has no spatial awareness at all, so there's no way
00:16:44of knowing what he's going to do next.
00:16:46What happens next?
00:16:59I may have gone off a bit there.
00:17:01Jeremy's in the gravel!
00:17:11It is incredible to think that today you aren't allowed to smack a child or ask your dogs to
00:17:17get rid of the rats in the shed, and yet you can do this.
00:17:23100 miles an hour, probably.
00:17:26Just brilliant, you and your mates just belting around, indulging your passion for cars.
00:17:33And better still, it costs less than a speeding ticket.
00:17:37How much fun was that?
00:17:50No, it was brilliant, you pay 100 quid and you get a day doing 100 miles an hour, that's...
00:17:55Well, you don't.
00:17:57Look, as a fun car, mine was best.
00:18:01Hang on a minute, Hammond, the idea was to find out which was the best track day car, yeah?
00:18:05And that was mine.
00:18:07He's right, it was.
00:18:08What?
00:18:09What?
00:18:10No, it was.
00:18:11Mine, I mean, I know it has pushrod actuator suspension, which of course moves the weight inboard and, um...
00:18:16What's the other thing it does?
00:18:18You've been adjusting the length of the...
00:18:20No, I'm not interested.
00:18:22Despite all that, it feels a bit heavy and a bit predictable and a bit boring.
00:18:26Yeah, you see, this is where the Morgan shines because it is exciting and different and it vibrates as you drive out.
00:18:32Let me interrupt, if I may.
00:18:34Who here would like to see the Stig attempting to get that Morgan round our track?
00:18:42Play the tape.
00:18:45And drop the single rear wheel fighting for grip.
00:18:50Never seen anything as ridiculous as that in my whole life.
00:18:53Looks great.
00:18:54Come in there!
00:18:56I nearly lost it!
00:18:57But he's held it together.
00:18:59Look at that!
00:19:00Yes, he's made it round the first corner.
00:19:03There he is, looking terrified.
00:19:05As he comes into Chicago.
00:19:07Oh, he's drifting it!
00:19:09He is actually drifting it.
00:19:10You're right.
00:19:11Be interesting to see what happens in Hammerhead.
00:19:13Here we are!
00:19:14You know, that little 1.9 litre twin-cylinder engine's got so much torque, they had to invent and fit something called a radial deflection damper,
00:19:21so that it didn't lunge the Mazda MX-5 gearbox.
00:19:24Really?
00:19:26Yes.
00:19:27Okay, well, he must be up to at least 45 miles an hour now.
00:19:29No, he's changing down for the follow-through to maybe 40.
00:19:33Yeah, but he's having fun!
00:19:35Missing the dent there, so he doesn't break his spine, if indeed he's got a spine.
00:19:40Whoa-ho!
00:19:42He's struggling, he's missed the apex there quite badly.
00:19:44Only Gambon to go, can he make it round there without incident?
00:19:49Yes, no, wait!
00:19:50He's lost it!
00:19:51And he crossed the road backwards!
00:19:53Hi, guys.
00:19:54We're not good.
00:20:00And the times...
00:20:03Now, the Caterham, as we know, because it's been around before, did a 1.17.9.
00:20:07The crossbow we ran this morning, 1.27, dead.
00:20:12And the Morgan, 1.40.4, which is the same as a one-year.
00:20:20It's pathetic!
00:20:22That is the fastest three-wheeler we've ever had round our truck.
00:20:26The only other three-wheeler we ever had was the Reliant Robin, and he fell over him.
00:20:29Yeah.
00:20:30And that was faster.
00:20:31So there we are, the Morgan is faster than a Reliant Robin.
00:20:36Anyway, we will be picking that up again later on, so if you want to see us endure the most dreadful misery, please stick with us.
00:20:43But now, it's the news.
00:20:45Right, listen.
00:20:46I have got a photograph of the replacement for the Ferrari 599.
00:20:50Here it is.
00:20:51It's called the F12 Berlinetta.
00:20:54It's smaller than a 599, which is a good thing.
00:20:57It's also lighter, and it's more powerful.
00:20:59It's got a 730 horsepower V12.
00:21:04Wow.
00:21:05730.
00:21:06V12?
00:21:07V12.
00:21:08V12.
00:21:09Are you not the same Mr. So-called Jeremy Clarkson, who on this program, but a month ago,
00:21:14driving the Lamborghini Aventador said,
00:21:16this is the last of the V12s from now on, all engines will have turbos on them.
00:21:20You did say that.
00:21:21I did say that.
00:21:22Now, how do you feel?
00:21:23Foolish.
00:21:24I did actually say that.
00:21:25You were really unequivocal on that.
00:21:26I was unequivocal, but I was wrong.
00:21:28Yes.
00:21:29For the first time since 1974.
00:21:33Now, Citroen has sent us a picture of this.
00:21:36Now, this is a sporty version of the DS4, and I think it looks rather good.
00:21:40256 horsepower from its 1.6-litre turbo engine.
00:21:44Same engines as you get in a Mini Cooper, actually.
00:21:46It's not bad.
00:21:47I think that looks rather good.
00:21:48Yeah, not bad.
00:21:49I prefer this, Sophie.
00:21:50Have a look at this.
00:21:51This is the Renault Megane 265, which has got...
00:21:54265.
00:21:55Let me guess how many horsepower that's got.
00:21:57Have a go.
00:21:58Is it 312?
00:21:59No.
00:22:00Is it 8?
00:22:01No.
00:22:02What is it?
00:22:03265.
00:22:04It's quite a powerful car, and it's got a clever diff.
00:22:06It has a cup chassis.
00:22:07It's got, you know, stiffened springs and all that.
00:22:09It's £26,000, which is sort of Golf GTI money, so...
00:22:11I have to say, I think that looks absolutely brilliant, except for the red brake calipers.
00:22:17What's wrong with red brake calipers?
00:22:18Yeah.
00:22:19What's wrong with red brake calipers?
00:22:20Well, how empty and shallow and pointless and meaningless must your life be for you to
00:22:24say, yes, I'd like red brake calipers?
00:22:27I've got red brake calipers in my fair 500 twin hair.
00:22:30They look cute.
00:22:31They look great.
00:22:32Why have you got them?
00:22:33Well, because when I bought it, the man in the shop said, would you like red brake calipers?
00:22:37And I said, yes, I would.
00:22:39But, Hammond, I was once in a pub, and a man came up to me and he said, do you want a smack
00:22:43in the mouth?
00:22:44I said, no, because you can't say no.
00:22:46Just do a raster board.
00:22:47No.
00:22:48No, you see.
00:22:49Do you have to pay extra for them?
00:22:50Yes.
00:22:51How much?
00:22:52300 quid.
00:22:53But they look great in the lesson.
00:22:54How do you explain that to your family?
00:22:56I'm sorry, kids, we can't go to Countrywide for our lunch this week.
00:23:00Because Debbie spent all the money painting his brake calipers.
00:23:04Hold on a minute.
00:23:05What?
00:23:06He said they were 300 quid.
00:23:07They won't be able to go to Countrywide all year.
00:23:09Right?
00:23:10Oh, hey, now, listen.
00:23:11Hammond and I went to Moscow last weekend.
00:23:13It wasn't a honeymoon thing.
00:23:14No, more of a spur of the minute game.
00:23:16We just thought we would.
00:23:17We weren't hand-holding anyway, okay?
00:23:18Yeah.
00:23:19There was some ice skating going on in Red Square.
00:23:22We thought we'd go and have a look at this.
00:23:24But there was the only gap in the fence where you could see.
00:23:27Audi is a sort of marketing.
00:23:28We could park to Q3 there, so we couldn't see.
00:23:30So if never mind, somebody told us about this bar, okay?
00:23:33It's a 12-storey bar and it overlooked the Kremlin and Red Square and Basils.
00:23:38And we thought, well, we'll go there.
00:23:39Big picture windows and have a look at the view.
00:23:41So we went all flogged all the way over there.
00:23:43Climbed at the top.
00:23:44Now Hammond took a picture of the view we had.
00:23:46Here it is.
00:23:47It was another.
00:23:49You can actually see the bits of the Kremlin, but mostly you could just see the stupid Audi Q3.
00:23:55I hadn't gone to see that.
00:23:56Somebody at Audi has obviously thought, well, all these people are going to these places to look at things.
00:24:00So let's have them look at our cars and just put them...
00:24:03Yeah, you are not joking.
00:24:04You are not joking.
00:24:05I've got a photograph here of the Players Tunnel at Old Trafford.
00:24:08There you go.
00:24:09In the way, there's Giggs and Pearson.
00:24:11Well, whatever his name is, that Ginger.
00:24:13Well, you can't see him because there's an Audi in the way.
00:24:16No, exactly.
00:24:17I've got another picture here of the Grand Canyon.
00:24:20These are real pictures.
00:24:22It's not just cars either.
00:24:23Fancy having a look at the Sydney Opera House?
00:24:25Well, here it is.
00:24:26Oh, no, you can't see it.
00:24:27We've popped our boat in front of it.
00:24:30And what worries me is how many views there are in the world that they could still ruin.
00:24:33Here's the Taj Mahal.
00:24:35I've always fancied seeing the pyramids, but you can't.
00:24:38There you are.
00:24:39Or the scene from Basic Instinct.
00:24:41There you go.
00:24:42Once again, I'll be in the way of what you actually want to see.
00:24:47Okay, a couple of weeks ago, the three of us went motor racing.
00:24:50Now, this is for something that you'll see in next week's show.
00:24:53I bring it up now, though, because I discovered, while racing against Hammond,
00:24:56that he is actually Alain Prost.
00:24:58Really?
00:24:59Oh, yes, you mean like the professor calculating and...
00:25:01No, not that.
00:25:02No.
00:25:03What I mean is that when he's lost the corner to a superior driver,
00:25:07he tries to ram that driver off the road.
00:25:09I did not.
00:25:10You did.
00:25:11I remember the corner.
00:25:12No, I rubbed you at most.
00:25:13You rubbed me like David Hay rubbed that man in Germany.
00:25:16No, I just ran a bit.
00:25:17I leaned on you at most.
00:25:18I ran wide.
00:25:19Hang on a minute.
00:25:20Because I wasn't in this race, but I was watching it from a grassy knoll.
00:25:25And...
00:25:26I was.
00:25:28I think Hammond behaved correctly.
00:25:31I did.
00:25:32There were onboard cameras in his car.
00:25:33Okay, so next week we'll have a look at the footage and you'll see him.
00:25:35No, you're absolutely right.
00:25:37The onboard footage will be the key to it, but I will be the steward,
00:25:41because I was there.
00:25:42I shall adjudicate on this.
00:25:43I'm not having you judging.
00:25:44What?
00:25:45You can't even play a game of Monopoly without cheating.
00:25:47No, you can't.
00:25:48You cheated Monopoly.
00:25:49He did.
00:25:50He did cheat Monopoly.
00:25:51I did not.
00:25:52We played for four hours and you cheated.
00:25:53I did not cheat.
00:25:54You ruined the game.
00:25:55You made it put...
00:25:56You robbed the bank.
00:25:57There was a...
00:25:58There was a bank robbery, but you don't get those in Monopoly,
00:26:01and I thought it would make it more authentic if the bank was robbed.
00:26:04You stole it!
00:26:05So you're a cheat, a liar, and a burglar.
00:26:07I played the role, if I'm going to use a judge for this motor racing incident,
00:26:10I'm going to use Ofcom, because they are wise.
00:26:12Don't go there.
00:26:13Don't go there.
00:26:14And you, you are going to be shot in front of your family.
00:26:17Something that turns out...
00:26:19You can say that on television, it turns out.
00:26:21Yeah, what you've done there, Jeremy, is take your leg out of the bear trap,
00:26:25turn around and put your head in instead.
00:26:27You're an idiot.
00:26:28Anyway, that is the end of the news.
00:26:31Now, matters more serious.
00:26:33Back in the Second World War, the Top Gear Test Track was home at one stage
00:26:37to a squadron of Spitfires, and the skies above it were a giant blue canvas
00:26:42on which the brave airmen, British and German, could weave their feathered artistry
00:26:47using contrails and phosphorus.
00:26:49It must have been incredible.
00:26:52Suddenly, we heard the drone of planes behind us, turned round and saw a line of four fighters,
00:27:01and tracer bullets from machine guns and pompoms were cutting through the air.
00:27:05There was beauty.
00:27:06There was death.
00:27:07There was skill.
00:27:09And then there was the soundtrack, which today is back.
00:27:30What you're listening to here is a 46-litre BMW V12,
00:27:35an engine that was originally used to power the Heincore HE-111 bomber.
00:27:44Only, as you can see here, it's being used now to power a car.
00:27:51A car they called a Brutus.
00:27:54A car!
00:28:01Well, when I say car, the chassis is actually taken from a 1907 New York fire engine.
00:28:08The chain drive from a machine the devil uses to rotisserie those who displease him.
00:28:14And the brakes, well, they exist only really in the imagination of the madman
00:28:19who built this thing.
00:28:24A man so mad he's going to let me take his extraordinary creation for a spin.
00:28:31First, you pull on the fuel pumps.
00:28:35These are these two buttons above the ignition.
00:28:38Yep.
00:28:39Then you have to pull out this button.
00:28:42What's that one?
00:28:43This is the decompression.
00:28:45Oh, Christ, right.
00:28:47Really a long way.
00:28:48And then you have to start with the black button.
00:28:51A little gas.
00:28:52Holy cow.
00:28:53All the explosions are happening on the outside of the engine.
00:28:54All the explosions are happening on the outside of the engine.
00:29:11All the explosions are happening on the outside of the engine.
00:29:16Almost immediately, Brutus began to spit hot oil into my face.
00:29:35And that was just the start of my problems.
00:29:40Oh, there's so much torque and so little grip on the rear wheels.
00:29:48If you even go near the throttle, you get massive wheel spins.
00:29:55You slip them out.
00:29:57Oh, this is so complicated.
00:30:00All the controls on the outside of the car and the pedals are all way round.
00:30:05Turn it into a crossword puzzle while you're being eaten by a tiger.
00:30:10And the brakes, nothing, no.
00:30:14That's what usually the brakes say, they don't work.
00:30:18Turn, turn, you fruit.
00:30:21No, that's the one's panel.
00:30:22Yes, that's the one's group.
00:30:26Basically, this is Sodom and Gomorrah with a steering wheel.
00:30:30That's what it is.
00:30:33Plainly, then, putting an aeroplane engine in a car is idiotic.
00:30:39Or is it?
00:30:40To the casual observer, this looks like a 20s Bentley.
00:30:47A car that won Le Mans four times.
00:30:50A car a Tori Bugatti called the fastest lorry in the world.
00:30:58But actually, it was built last year in Devon by a man called Bob.
00:31:04He and his little team handcrafted the aluminium body and the wooden frame.
00:31:12The chassis is from a 1930 Rolls-Royce Phantom.
00:31:16And the brakes, well, they're big modern discs, which are needed because of what's under the bonnet.
00:31:22In essence, that's the same 27-litre V12 that you would find in the front of a Spitfire.
00:31:33Right, 64 litres of coolant and 54 litres of engine oil are now circulating and warming up.
00:31:56What a thing.
00:31:57What a thing.
00:31:58What a thing.
00:31:59Here we go.
00:32:00We got a gear there.
00:32:03It may have modern brakes and power steering and an automatic gearbox.
00:32:10But from behind the wheel, it feels about as modern as James May's shoe cleaning kit.
00:32:20What I'm doing now is driving.
00:32:23In a modern car, you just sit there and things happen like this.
00:32:27It's a massive sensory overload as you drive around in it and towering above everything.
00:32:35It's the knowledge that up there under that bonnet is the engine from a Spitfire.
00:32:41Putting a Spitfire engine in a car is like putting a whole Jalockier chili in a boiled egg.
00:32:51You're going to notice.
00:32:53And you do.
00:32:56You really do.
00:32:59They say it has a top speed of 160 miles an hour.
00:33:06But can it really be faster than the insane Brutus?
00:33:10Time, I think, for a drag race.
00:33:13So, England versus Germany.
00:33:16Again.
00:33:17Three, two, one.
00:33:22Struggle.
00:33:23Here we go.
00:33:24Oh, yeah.
00:33:25Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
00:33:29He's got 750 horsepower.
00:33:39I've got 650.
00:33:41My car weighs three tons.
00:33:43This weighs 2.4.
00:33:45He's got 46,000 cc.
00:33:48I've only got 27,000.
00:33:50But look!
00:33:51I can't wait to.
00:33:52Sure.
00:33:53And I can't wait to see it.
00:33:54There's all that bad that turned out, of course,
00:33:56it could be down to the skill of the Tommy pilots.
00:34:01So what about manoeuvrability?
00:34:03What about the corners?
00:34:04Well, let's cue the music and find out.
00:34:06It should be.
00:34:07Oi, oi.
00:34:08I am Robert Shaw.
00:34:09And once again, Dunsfold is echoing to the sound of an Anglo-German dogfight.
00:34:16is echoing to the sound of an Anglo-German dogfight.
00:34:27At this precise moment,
00:34:29I would gladly swap my automatic gearbox for eight crownings.
00:34:37Truth be told, this was a walkover.
00:34:39The Brutus won't stop and it won't corner.
00:34:43Come on, Jenny!
00:34:45Where is the Bentley Will?
00:34:47Come on!
00:34:48Oh, yeah!
00:34:54This is a car you really have to drive.
00:34:57You have to take it by the scruff of the neck.
00:35:00You steer it using the throttle.
00:35:02You've got to get the back end out.
00:35:04There's only one way to do that,
00:35:05and that's to give it a bootful of power.
00:35:08There you go.
00:35:10This is one of those cars
00:35:12where the greatness is measured
00:35:15only in the diameter of the driver's testicles.
00:35:23I love this thing! I love it!
00:35:29The fact is, the Brutus was built for fun,
00:35:32to be a fairground attraction.
00:35:34It's just the Germans displaying their usual sense of humour.
00:35:39The Bentley, though, is typically British.
00:35:41It's much more serious.
00:35:43It's also exquisitely finished.
00:35:46The map light, for example, is from a Lancaster bomber.
00:35:50The aviator's rear-view mirror incorporates an altimeter
00:35:53and an air temperature gauge.
00:35:56This, then, isn't a toy or a fairground attraction.
00:35:59It's a real car.
00:36:00It even has squidgy carpets.
00:36:03And it's road legal.
00:36:05You could, says Devon Bob, use it every day.
00:36:11If you did do that,
00:36:12I can imagine there might be one or two issues.
00:36:15It's very cold in here.
00:36:17I'd imagine it's very hard to park,
00:36:19and it is quite conspicuous.
00:36:21It wouldn't really work if you were, say,
00:36:23a private detective.
00:36:28People are going to notice you following them.
00:36:31Then there's the fuel consumption.
00:36:34Realistically, it's going to do two miles to the gallon.
00:36:37Three at a pinch.
00:36:39And filling the tank would cost £420.
00:36:45Plus, there's the cost of buying the thing in the first place.
00:36:49It's £500,000.
00:36:54The thing is, though,
00:36:55if you had that kind of money,
00:36:58you could put it in the bank and get half a percent interest
00:37:01and make up every morning, terrified that the bank had gone bust.
00:37:05Or you could spend it on one of these.
00:37:08Frankly, that's the easiest decision you'd ever have to make.
00:37:26I'm not sure.
00:37:30Well, no, hang on.
00:37:31I'm not sure that is the easiest decision,
00:37:35because you know that eagle-y type speedster we had on the show last year?
00:37:39Yeah.
00:37:40That's half a million quid as well.
00:37:41So, ooh, which one do you have?
00:37:44No, I'd still have this, I'm afraid, because it's just...
00:37:47Well, it's very you.
00:37:48It's very desirable.
00:37:49Do you know what I mean?
00:37:50I know what you mean, I know what you mean,
00:37:51but I think I'd rather have the eagle.
00:37:54It's very close, because that's magnificent.
00:37:56Anyway, that's by the by,
00:37:57because now it's time to find out how fast both these magnificent machines
00:38:02go round our track,
00:38:03and that, of course, means handing them over to our tame racing driver.
00:38:06Some say that he stores all of his shoes and his cassette tapes
00:38:10on the motorway central reservation.
00:38:14And that, since he can easily stay quiet for two hours,
00:38:18he's wondering why he didn't win an Oscar.
00:38:21All we know is, he's called the Steg.
00:38:25And they're off, popping and spluttering away from the line,
00:38:29fueled by fire and lashings of hot brimstone.
00:38:33Moving at a stately pace up to the first corner.
00:38:37Otis is sliding.
00:38:39Steg actually has to look through the steering wheel of that thing.
00:38:42Not a problem, of course,
00:38:43since he can also see through walls and clothes.
00:38:47Okay.
00:38:48Coming through Chicago.
00:38:49Not looking fast there,
00:38:51but still rather splendid all the same.
00:38:54So, down now to the Hammerhead.
00:38:56This could be interesting.
00:38:57Everything we've had on the track so far this week
00:38:59basically has pram wheels.
00:39:03Both got a bit of a drift on.
00:39:05Brutus is smoking.
00:39:06Is Jetty hit?
00:39:07No, it's just that massive engine expressing its fury.
00:39:11Okay, followed through.
00:39:12Chance to really open them up.
00:39:14Steg knows this sound well from when he was a Spitfire pilot.
00:39:19Oh, look at that.
00:39:21There they go.
00:39:22Now, this does beg the question,
00:39:23if the Bentley is capable of 160,
00:39:25how long would you need to get there?
00:39:28Okay, coming through the second-to-last corner.
00:39:31Still going nicely.
00:39:33Only Gambon.
00:39:34Two cathedrals going through that there.
00:39:36And here we go, across the line.
00:39:40I have the times here.
00:39:42The Brutus did it in two minutes, two seconds and half.
00:39:51So, that's down there, second-to-last.
00:39:53Sixteen minutes in front of the pedal-powered Porsche.
00:39:57The Spitfire Bentley.
00:39:59One minute 50.3.
00:40:01So, ten seconds faster and amazingly,
00:40:04still slower than Hammond's tricycle.
00:40:06Which is significant.
00:40:08So, there we are.
00:40:09Before we go on, is that actually a supercharger?
00:40:11No, that's an oil cooler,
00:40:13made to look like a supercharger,
00:40:14so it looks like a blower Bentley.
00:40:15So, this isn't a supercharged engine?
00:40:17No, it isn't.
00:40:18But a Spitfire's Merlin was supercharged.
00:40:20I know, but this one isn't.
00:40:21So, that's technically the Meteor,
00:40:22which was the same engine, but the land-based version.
00:40:24Yes.
00:40:25The unsupercharged.
00:40:26Yes.
00:40:27And this, obviously, the Bentley...
00:40:28Yes, I'm sorry, James.
00:40:29Once again, we don't have time for your lecture
00:40:31on all aeroplanes since 1941.
00:40:33I'm sorry, but we do have to put a star
00:40:36in our reasonably-priced car.
00:40:38Now, my guest tonight has a farm in the Cotswolds
00:40:41where he makes cheese,
00:40:42and yet, weirdly,
00:40:43he's been chosen to headline
00:40:45the closing concert
00:40:47at this year's Olympic Games.
00:40:49Ladies and gentlemen,
00:40:50from Blur,
00:40:51Alex James!
00:41:00Have a seat.
00:41:01Now, first of all...
00:41:04Now, I've got to have some coffee.
00:41:06My heart is beating like a train.
00:41:07That is absolutely terrifying.
00:41:09What, being out on the track?
00:41:10Oh, man.
00:41:11And Sticks just say,
00:41:12just relax.
00:41:13Just sit in a steel cage
00:41:14with a crash helmet on.
00:41:15Drive really fast.
00:41:17And relax.
00:41:18Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.
00:41:20But I wanted to begin
00:41:21by congratulating you heartily
00:41:23on your Lifetime Achievement Award.
00:41:25Well, thank you very much.
00:41:27At the Brits.
00:41:30It must have been something else.
00:41:32Well, it was utterly magnificent
00:41:35to get back together
00:41:37and smash those songs out again.
00:41:39Were you aware,
00:41:40while you were up on the stage
00:41:41at the Brits,
00:41:42banging out those tunes,
00:41:43that ITV had gone through the credits
00:41:45and we were watching an advert
00:41:46for panty liners?
00:41:47And then the news.
00:41:48Did anyone see that?
00:41:49Were you watching the Brits?
00:41:50When they just cut...
00:41:51How many songs did we miss?
00:41:52I've got no idea.
00:41:53I was just up there rocking.
00:41:54Yeah, but they cut you off.
00:41:55I thought,
00:41:56well it was Blur,
00:41:57but we couldn't.
00:41:58And of course,
00:41:59you are getting back together
00:42:00because, again,
00:42:01we've got the Olympics.
00:42:03The Olympics Closing Ceremony
00:42:05Celebration Concert
00:42:07is its full name.
00:42:08And that's in Hyde Park?
00:42:10It's in Hyde Park.
00:42:11So it's not the Olympics,
00:42:12it's sort of the people's version
00:42:13because I think
00:42:14no one's managed to actually
00:42:15get tickets for the Olympics,
00:42:16have they?
00:42:17And who else is going to be playing?
00:42:19Do you know?
00:42:20We've got the Specials
00:42:21and New Order,
00:42:22like all our favourite bands.
00:42:24I mean,
00:42:25that's going to be,
00:42:26that's August the 12th,
00:42:27and it's all sold out
00:42:28and a new song to unveil.
00:42:30You've got a new song?
00:42:31Yeah,
00:42:32I just listened to it this morning.
00:42:33It's like a hymn.
00:42:34It's a real tearjerker.
00:42:35Oh, fantastic.
00:42:36Oh, I look forward to now.
00:42:37And it all began
00:42:38your show business career
00:42:39when you were a scout.
00:42:41It did,
00:42:42in the gang show, yeah.
00:42:43Well, I had to dress up as
00:42:44Big Brownie.
00:42:45It was quite a good part.
00:42:46But it was actually
00:42:47very, very good training.
00:42:48You know,
00:42:49if you've dressed up as a Brownie
00:42:50in front of everyone at school,
00:42:51you're not scared of
00:42:52Jeremy Paxman.
00:42:53How was the Scoutmaster?
00:42:56He did film it.
00:42:57He what?
00:42:58He filmed you as a Brownie?
00:43:01A little bit, yeah.
00:43:02I never saw the film.
00:43:04So obviously,
00:43:05after you'd been a Brownie,
00:43:07you did hit the show business life
00:43:09hard,
00:43:10with Blur.
00:43:11Well,
00:43:12yeah,
00:43:13I think things were different in those days.
00:43:15I mean,
00:43:16it gives you everything you want
00:43:18when you're young,
00:43:19being in a kick-ass rock and roll band.
00:43:21You know,
00:43:22it's lots of travel,
00:43:23lots of girls,
00:43:24lots of booze.
00:43:25What was that birthday party in Mexico
00:43:26that I read about in your first book?
00:43:28Go to bed, kids.
00:43:30Yeah,
00:43:32your children.
00:43:34You go to bed while Daddy tells us
00:43:36all about his birthday party.
00:43:37Where was it?
00:43:38In Mexico.
00:43:39Yeah,
00:43:40great food in Mexico.
00:43:41Yeah.
00:43:42This is like Hammerhead.
00:43:44I'm looking for the exit.
00:43:46So,
00:43:47how far into your career with Blur
00:43:50was it that the fans discovered
00:43:52that your first love was cheese?
00:43:54Oh,
00:43:55before.
00:43:56I mean,
00:43:57they presented it to me
00:43:59in hotel lobbies.
00:44:00Fans did?
00:44:01Yes,
00:44:02yeah,
00:44:03I mean,
00:44:04I was well-known for enjoying cheese.
00:44:06You know,
00:44:07in Smash Hits,
00:44:08it said,
00:44:09Alex likes cheese.
00:44:10It was like the one-word thing
00:44:11used to describe cheese.
00:44:13And,
00:44:14yeah,
00:44:15I mean,
00:44:16they threw it at me in Japan
00:44:17where it comes in tens.
00:44:19Now,
00:44:20we're not here to plug your book,
00:44:21but it's all cheese is great and small,
00:44:23yeah?
00:44:24Yes.
00:44:25Now,
00:44:26you paint this fantastic picture
00:44:28of becoming a farmer,
00:44:29which is what you now are.
00:44:30Well,
00:44:31I guess it's a love story,
00:44:33really.
00:44:34You know,
00:44:35I was very much a sort of man of the city
00:44:37and a sort of nocturnal creature.
00:44:39And then,
00:44:40I met a girl and fell in love with her
00:44:43and we got married very quickly
00:44:45and thought it would be a really good idea
00:44:47to buy a farm on our honeymoon.
00:44:49So,
00:44:50we basically moved,
00:44:51got married and moved to a farm
00:44:53at the exact point
00:44:54that Blur
00:44:55disintegrated
00:44:56and I very quickly realized
00:44:57I didn't know
00:44:58very much about
00:45:00farming.
00:45:01So,
00:45:02has it gone?
00:45:03Well,
00:45:04I absolutely love it.
00:45:05It's like being the,
00:45:06and so many musicians
00:45:07do end up living
00:45:08on farms.
00:45:09It's sort of natural habitat for...
00:45:11Well,
00:45:12I suppose the toy,
00:45:13the toys are quite good.
00:45:14You get a tractor.
00:45:15Actually,
00:45:16I haven't got a tractor.
00:45:17I've got a mini digger
00:45:18that,
00:45:19um,
00:45:20it's a cabriolet.
00:45:21It's an open cab.
00:45:22I mean,
00:45:23yes,
00:45:24I had a dumper this weekend,
00:45:25a three dumper.
00:45:26No.
00:45:27£96.25.
00:45:28What?
00:45:29For the weekend,
00:45:30including VAT.
00:45:31So,
00:45:32you,
00:45:33do you really have got into the whole thing?
00:45:34It's because your car,
00:45:35your car history,
00:45:37that's not so brilliant looking into it.
00:45:39Your first car...
00:45:40What are you talking about?
00:45:41Well,
00:45:42come on,
00:45:43gentlemen,
00:45:44what your first car was.
00:45:45It was,
00:45:46um,
00:45:47a chocolate brown,
00:45:48um,
00:45:49Austin,
00:45:50Allegro,
00:45:51estate.
00:45:52There's another word for that,
00:45:53uh,
00:45:54kind of brown as well.
00:45:55It's,
00:45:56uh,
00:45:57and the first three letters of the registration
00:45:58were U-R-D,
00:45:59and it was known as the turd machine.
00:46:01And it is,
00:46:02it's the best car I've ever,
00:46:04ever had.
00:46:05I must,
00:46:06because...
00:46:07This is going to be the longest because in history.
00:46:09No,
00:46:10because of what it gave me.
00:46:11You know,
00:46:12pleasure.
00:46:13It's,
00:46:14it's,
00:46:15it's freedom.
00:46:16It's romance.
00:46:17It's somewhere to smoke.
00:46:18No,
00:46:19that's true.
00:46:20No,
00:46:21you're right.
00:46:22You're absolutely right.
00:46:23So after you blur,
00:46:24you've got rid of the Allegro.
00:46:25Uh,
00:46:26yes,
00:46:27doing world tours.
00:46:28It's hard to describe.
00:46:29Well,
00:46:30it's easy to describe.
00:46:31Many hours a day.
00:46:32You know,
00:46:33if you're in Belgium today,
00:46:34Frankfurt tomorrow,
00:46:35Lucerne the day after.
00:46:36It's,
00:46:37it's a lot of airports.
00:46:38And,
00:46:39uh,
00:46:40the drummer and I went half on a,
00:46:41on a,
00:46:42on a Cessna.
00:46:43It's an airplane.
00:46:44Yeah.
00:46:45Half a Cessna.
00:46:46Sounds quite glamorous.
00:46:48Maybe.
00:46:49But,
00:46:50but,
00:46:51um,
00:46:52this was,
00:46:53it was like a flying Allegro.
00:46:54It was,
00:46:55uh,
00:46:56it wasn't posh.
00:46:57It didn't even have a GPS.
00:46:58Now do you navigate?
00:46:59I was thinking that today.
00:47:00You have a long wave radio,
00:47:01which picks up Morse code signals.
00:47:02So you can do Morse code?
00:47:04Uh-huh.
00:47:05That's A.
00:47:07Is it?
00:47:08Yeah.
00:47:09Don't tell James.
00:47:10You'll be here for a week.
00:47:12So we've established it was Allegro.
00:47:14Allegro,
00:47:15half a Cessna.
00:47:16Half a Cessna.
00:47:17Yeah.
00:47:18Which was like an Allegro.
00:47:19So,
00:47:20so after that was,
00:47:21um,
00:47:22well,
00:47:23I've got a van now.
00:47:24Five,
00:47:25five kids.
00:47:26Nice.
00:47:27Mercedes Viano.
00:47:28And,
00:47:29and I,
00:47:30and it's got eight seats,
00:47:31which is enough room for five kids,
00:47:32and,
00:47:33and granny.
00:47:34And that's,
00:47:35uh,
00:47:36TV screens,
00:47:37full rocks?
00:47:38No, no,
00:47:39not TV screens.
00:47:40I think it's,
00:47:41I think it's really important for children to get bored in cars.
00:47:42That's,
00:47:43that's how I really got into music,
00:47:44was listening to the top 40 in,
00:47:45in the car on a Sunday afternoon.
00:47:46But no TV screens for the kids.
00:47:48Oh dearie me,
00:47:49no.
00:47:50No.
00:47:51Um,
00:47:52now,
00:47:53um,
00:47:54I rang you last night to see if you were ready to come down and do this show,
00:47:56you were playing this track on a computer game.
00:47:59I couldn't get it in time.
00:48:00Oh no.
00:48:01But I,
00:48:02I,
00:48:03I wanted to do it on the Xbox.
00:48:04So how did you,
00:48:05how did you prepare to do this then?
00:48:07I just had six cups of coffee.
00:48:09Yeah.
00:48:10Okay.
00:48:11Well,
00:48:12who would like to see Alex's lap?
00:48:13Yeah.
00:48:14Okay.
00:48:15Let's have a look.
00:48:16Let's play the tape.
00:48:17And here we go.
00:48:20Once again,
00:48:21we're off.
00:48:22This is how we get the groceries in.
00:48:25In my house.
00:48:27You actually look like,
00:48:28where are you going?
00:48:30Breaking,
00:48:31accelerating,
00:48:32turning in.
00:48:33All manner of things done there.
00:48:34Oh dear.
00:48:35Too wide.
00:48:36Bit too wide,
00:48:37but it's not too bad.
00:48:38Oh,
00:48:39nuts.
00:48:41No,
00:48:42that is wide.
00:48:43Yeah,
00:48:44you can catch a bus to the apex there.
00:48:46I'm a superstar waiting to explode.
00:48:49I'm a driver.
00:48:51Go,
00:48:52go,
00:48:53go,
00:48:54go,
00:48:55explode.
00:48:56We've got the truck.
00:48:57We've had somebody singing their way round.
00:48:59Oh,
00:49:00Hammerhead.
00:49:01Just about kept it in the lines.
00:49:03Ooh.
00:49:04Tortured tires.
00:49:05Poor old C apostrophe D.
00:49:08Come on.
00:49:09Let's rock,
00:49:10baby.
00:49:11Woo-hoo.
00:49:12North City, follow through.
00:49:13Were you flat out through there?
00:49:14Yes,
00:49:15yeah.
00:49:16Good.
00:49:17Flat out through here?
00:49:18Yes,
00:49:19yeah,
00:49:20yeah.
00:49:21That's hairy.
00:49:22Excellent.
00:49:23Avoiding the uncomfortable bump.
00:49:24And into the centre,
00:49:25torn a bit wobbly on the way in,
00:49:26but,
00:49:27oh.
00:49:30I'm afraid I have to explain this.
00:49:32We allowed the lap this week to be edited by ITV.
00:49:43I never know what happened at the end.
00:49:48So anyway,
00:49:49I've got the time.
00:49:50Don't you worry about that.
00:49:51Where do you think you've come on the board?
00:49:54Well,
00:49:55it was wide,
00:49:56it was noisy,
00:49:57it was...
00:49:58It was wide and noisy,
00:49:59and a lot of tyre squeal,
00:50:00which usually indicates the tyres are making a noise rather than getting you going.
00:50:04Yeah,
00:50:05you know,
00:50:06I think bottom half,
00:50:07but near Bob Geldof,
00:50:08that's comfortable.
00:50:09Al Murray.
00:50:10Near Bob Geldof,
00:50:11that's a 148.
00:50:12Okay,
00:50:13well,
00:50:14Alex James,
00:50:15in one,
00:50:1645.2.
00:50:17So you're way ahead of where you thought you were going to be.
00:50:23You are in fact,
00:50:25level with Cameron Diaz.
00:50:30Yes.
00:50:35So,
00:50:36just tell us,
00:50:37is there going to be an album?
00:50:38No,
00:50:39there's not.
00:50:40There's no album?
00:50:41No.
00:50:42Just this one song that you're going to be performing at the Olympics.
00:50:44Well,
00:50:45well done for that,
00:50:46well done for the Lifetime Achievement Award,
00:50:47and of course,
00:50:48most of all,
00:50:49well done for that,
00:50:50ladies and gentlemen.
00:50:51Alex James.
00:50:57Now,
00:50:58earlier on,
00:50:59we found out which of these,
00:51:01the £30,000 Morgan Three-Wheeler,
00:51:04the £40,000 Caterham R500,
00:51:07or the £50,000 KTM Crossbow,
00:51:10made the most convincing track day car.
00:51:13Thing is,
00:51:14if you're going to spend that much money on a car,
00:51:17you want it to do something else.
00:51:19Can they?
00:51:20For instance,
00:51:21could you use them to go to work?
00:51:23We decided to find out.
00:51:29Getting to work would involve going from London
00:51:31to just south of Guildford.
00:51:33It's about 40 miles.
00:51:40Right.
00:51:44Now, as we know,
00:51:45once a man is past the age of 28,
00:51:47he may not,
00:51:48under any circumstances,
00:51:49drive through a built-up area
00:51:51with the roof down
00:51:52on his convertible car.
00:51:54But I have no roof.
00:51:55I have no choice.
00:51:56And what I'm saying to onlookers is,
00:51:59driving is my hobby.
00:52:01I'm very keen on it.
00:52:02And that's a bit like a keen angler
00:52:05going to work in some waders.
00:52:13The difficult thing about driving a Caterham
00:52:15in slow-moving traffic like this
00:52:17is not the clutch or the gearbox
00:52:19or anything like that.
00:52:20It's that you feel a bit of a berg,
00:52:22if you're honest.
00:52:23I mean,
00:52:24a lot of people will be driving past
00:52:25and their children will be saying,
00:52:27Daddy,
00:52:28why has that man's car's windscreen fallen off?
00:52:32Morning, Jason.
00:52:33You all right?
00:52:35Obviously, I know everybody in Hammersmith.
00:52:37I feel some people may be making character judgements
00:52:46based on the RAF Randalls
00:52:48and pretend bullet holes,
00:52:50scantily clad ladies
00:52:52adorning my three-wheeled car.
00:52:54The fact is,
00:52:55I'm not really a fighter pilot.
00:52:57Nobody has ever shot bullets at this car.
00:52:59They just stick on.
00:53:01Ah, speed humps.
00:53:02That's...
00:53:03Woo-hoo!
00:53:04Yeah, the front two wheels
00:53:06sort of went either side of it,
00:53:07but the middle one wheel at the back
00:53:09puts me out of it.
00:53:15Just outside London,
00:53:16we met up at a service station
00:53:18to compare notes.
00:53:20Is this the worst trip to work you've ever had?
00:53:22No, not so far.
00:53:23Mine's the most embarrassing.
00:53:26If you were going to work today
00:53:27to a factory that you own
00:53:29to lay off all of your stuff,
00:53:31my car would not be the car to make that journey in.
00:53:34Or,
00:53:35I'm going to have to tell that patient
00:53:37the news is not good.
00:53:38Or if you were a funeral director.
00:53:40No, none of this.
00:53:41No.
00:53:42I'm very sorry about your loss.
00:53:43You have to be careful.
00:53:44Since we were in no hurry
00:53:45to get back on display
00:53:46in the rush hour traffic,
00:53:47I decided to kill some time
00:53:49with a little challenge.
00:53:51If you can start that car
00:53:53with that key,
00:53:54I will give you
00:53:55this crisp £10 note.
00:53:57How long have I got?
00:53:59Long as you like.
00:54:00It'll take a week.
00:54:01Can't be that hard.
00:54:02There'll be an immobiliser button somewhere.
00:54:07So, is there a hole for this key?
00:54:09Oh, yes.
00:54:10Right.
00:54:11So, they'll have...
00:54:12Let's think about this.
00:54:13They'll have put it somewhere...
00:54:14What's it going there?
00:54:15Well, like that.
00:54:16I seriously want to try and do it.
00:54:17Yeah.
00:54:18Yeah.
00:54:19I think that's going to have
00:54:20something to do with it.
00:54:21Well, it does.
00:54:22It says ignition on.
00:54:23Right.
00:54:24Hang on.
00:54:25Stopwatch lights.
00:54:27Horn.
00:54:32Cold.
00:54:35Let's face it.
00:54:36Have you got the clutch?
00:54:37Yes.
00:54:38Right.
00:54:39So, I think mode.
00:54:40No.
00:54:41But that does set the ignition.
00:54:42No, there's another button in there
00:54:43which is very...
00:54:44Yeah!
00:54:45So, that button says start,
00:54:46but that could be a trick.
00:54:48It is a trick.
00:54:49Now, press stop.
00:54:50Yeah!
00:54:51Ah!
00:54:52Right.
00:54:53So, you press stop first.
00:54:54Yes.
00:54:55And then start.
00:54:56Mode.
00:54:57Oh, this is idiotic.
00:54:59It's perfectly straightforward.
00:55:01Ignition on.
00:55:03Key in.
00:55:04Yeah.
00:55:05Press stop till there's a clonk.
00:55:07Press mode once it says ready to race.
00:55:09Then put your foot on the clutch.
00:55:11Then the brake fully down.
00:55:13Then press start.
00:55:14Then it begins.
00:55:15The stop being the button to start it.
00:55:17Yes.
00:55:18It is, with the best will in the world, a bit misleading.
00:55:21And a mad starting procedure is only one of many things wrong with Jeremy's crossbow.
00:55:27Turning circle's just shocking.
00:55:30Oh, God.
00:55:31Why?
00:55:32Why?
00:55:33Come on!
00:55:34By the time we were back on the A3, the weather had changed.
00:55:42No!
00:55:43No!
00:55:44No!
00:55:45It's raining!
00:55:46It's hurting my face!
00:55:47It's agony!
00:55:48Ow!
00:55:49Ow!
00:55:50Ow!
00:55:51Ow!
00:55:52Ow!
00:55:53Ow!
00:55:54Ow!
00:55:55Ow!
00:55:56Ow!
00:55:57Ow!
00:55:58Ow!
00:55:59Ow!
00:56:00Ow!
00:56:01Ow!
00:56:02Ow!
00:56:03Ow!
00:56:04Ow!
00:56:05Oh, dog!
00:56:06I need a hat or some completely threat.
00:56:09My right hand is completely frozen.
00:56:10It's just a claw.
00:56:11Also, there are holes in the claw behind the pedals.
00:56:12And all the air and the wind and the rain is going up my trouser legs.
00:56:27Also, rain is running off my jacket into my lap.
00:56:30None of these things are good news for my genitalia, which has run away.
00:56:45If you're watching, Caterham, heater and windscreen.
00:56:51And finally, the weather.
00:56:55It's not looking good out there, I'm afraid.
00:56:57With a maximum temperature of just one degree Celsius.
00:57:00And the rain is expected to get heavier as the day goes on.
00:57:08Oh.
00:57:09I am going to have treble pneumonia.
00:57:14There could be no doubt about that.
00:57:19We were all so miserable, we decided that even shopping would be preferable.
00:57:27I just hope I can still do the seatbelts up.
00:57:32What?
00:57:33Oh, my seat's wet.
00:57:41Chaps?
00:57:42Are you on motorbicycles?
00:57:44Are they KTM motorbicycles?
00:57:45Two of them are.
00:57:46Can I just say, KTM is the stupidest company in the world.
00:57:50Close, sir.
00:57:51That is ridiculous.
00:57:52Right, then.
00:57:54Oh, wow.
00:57:55Look, it's Douglas Bader, Meinhof.
00:57:59Come on, then.
00:58:00Well, let's get on with it.
00:58:01Twelve more miles of abject misery,
00:58:04and then I can pretend I've never heard the words KTM, cross or bow.
00:58:09Oh.
00:58:19I've been coming to work now down here for ten years.
00:58:23I've never had to stop and buy another outfit on the way.
00:58:26I've never been so miserable.
00:58:28Oh.
00:58:29Oh.
00:58:32OK, this is getting heavier now, and it is becoming less pleasant.
00:58:36It wouldn't make a very good wedding car for winter weddings.
00:58:39That's another thing it wouldn't be good for.
00:58:44One of the other advantages of the traditional car windscreen
00:58:47is that you can have windscreen wipers on there.
00:58:50I've just...
00:58:52It'd be nice to be able to see.
00:58:59And here we are, at work.
00:59:05Frankly, I wish it was the gallows.
00:59:10Oh, bloody hell, fire!
00:59:15The bit of your face that's exposed has gone all funny.
00:59:18It's got all mud and bits of stones on it.
00:59:21You know when you find the potato in the bottom of the fridge
00:59:23that's been there for a while?
00:59:24Yeah, you've rotted your face off.
00:59:26Well, my job, from now on, is to drive cars with roofs.
00:59:30And with that, back to the studio.
00:59:36Can you get about your claw?
00:59:38My face is a claw.
00:59:40Two claws.
00:59:42Anyway, can I just say,
00:59:45for around the same sort of money as the KTM,
00:59:47you could have a BMW M3, which is a good track day car.
00:59:51It is also good for taking you to work,
00:59:53taking the kids to school, going to the supermarket,
00:59:55it has a roof, it has a heater, it has a windscreen, it has windows.
00:59:59It is amazing that we've reached a point in the development of our civilisation
01:00:03where you can buy a car that does only one thing.
01:00:07Yes, I know what you mean.
01:00:08My Morgan, it turns out, is brilliant for taking one friend to the pub
01:00:12on two days in June.
01:00:13The catering is absolutely superb for blasting around Simply Sausages.
01:00:20It's the same.
01:00:21Everywhere else in the world, all race tracks, they're called the Tag Heuer,
01:00:24or the Red Bull, or the tobacco company.
01:00:26Simply Sausages Donington.
01:00:27But Donington is sponsored by Simply Sausages, and it is very good at going round it.
01:00:30It is brilliant at Simply Sausages, and yours is, frankly, peerless at making you look like a cock.
01:00:34Oh, it is.
01:00:35It is.
01:00:36It is.
01:00:37What we've got here are three cars.
01:00:38They're like Swiss army knives, where there's only one attachment,
01:00:41and it's that prong for getting the stone out of a horse's hoof.
01:00:44Yes.
01:00:45That's all they are.
01:00:46And on that bombshell, it is time to end.
01:00:47Thank you very much for watching.
01:00:48See you next week.
01:00:49Good night!
01:00:50Back on the Tube tomorrow here on BBC HD, as two drivers face their most trying days on the job.
01:01:02Our brand new series continues at 9.
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