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Taskmaster S20 E09 >>>https://dai.ly/x9tc6yk
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00:00Oh, no!
00:05Hello?
00:13Hey!
00:18Nothing's ever straightforward in this stupid house.
00:30APPLAUSE
00:36Hello, I'm Greg Davies. Welcome to Taskmaster.
00:39I'd like to start on a personal note, if I may, today,
00:42and tell you that Anna, the member of the crew
00:44who makes my coffees when I arrive at studio,
00:46recently pointed out to me that in nearly 200 episodes of television,
00:50I have not once said thank you to her.
00:52And so I want to start this show by putting that right.
00:55Anna, sincerely, thank you for all your hard work.
00:58But also, your coffee tastes like crap!
01:01Clear your desk!
01:02You think I can't replace you?
01:03I've got a thousand waiting!
01:05LAUGHTER
01:06Right!
01:07Please welcome our contestants!
01:09Anya Magliano!
01:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:13Maziana!
01:15Phil Ellis!
01:17Reece Sheer-Smith!
01:19And Sanjay Bhaskar!
01:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:24And next to me, a man who tells me
01:26he's going on holiday this year
01:28to a mysterious place where everybody spits when they talk.
01:32Wales!
01:33It's...
01:35Little Alex Horne!
01:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:38You're a hell out of people in Wales.
01:41I don't know what you've got against the people of Wales.
01:43You're subhuman, you said.
01:45Oh, dear.
01:47Brightest task, then.
01:48Yes, it is.
01:49Greg and I suppose it's also...
01:51Boo!
01:52Because this week, the category...
01:53LAUGHTER
01:55The category is the best thing that has a surprise aspect to it.
01:59Oh, good.
02:00Yeah.
02:01I have to say, I was a little alarmed when I first saw your surprise aspect,
02:03Greg, but I've got used to it.
02:05And I don't mind it at all now.
02:06The thing with a surprise that Greg likes best will get five points,
02:10and the winner of the show gets to take home all five things.
02:13Hello, Rhys.
02:14What have you brought that might surprise me?
02:16As you know, I am a bit of a David Dickinson in real life.
02:19Well, you've filled your house full of weird things.
02:21That's right.
02:22LAUGHTER
02:23I went to an antique fair and I bought this item.
02:26The Improved Patent Magneto Electric Machine for Nervous Diseases.
02:32LAUGHTER
02:34You crank the handle and you hold the two things
02:36and it's meant to give you a shock.
02:39I was sure when I bought it from the man, it didn't work.
02:43Right.
02:44So I took it home and I said to my daughter, Holly,
02:48do you want to have a go at it?
02:49Yeah, let's not take a risk on using it yourself.
02:51No.
02:52And I turned around and she gave her a mass in electric.
02:55LAUGHTER
02:57Absolutely bizarre.
03:00Anya?
03:01I brought in a mixtape and the thing that is surprising about it
03:04is that someone gave it to me and I've never listened to it.
03:07A boy?
03:08Yeah.
03:09What's he called?
03:10Ray.
03:11Ooh!
03:12So I didn't have anything to listen to it on.
03:14I didn't have one of those...
03:15Oh, you didn't have a tape machine?
03:17Yeah.
03:18I don't know what that is.
03:19The mixtape looks like this.
03:20It is a classic cassette.
03:21We can see it there.
03:22Yeah.
03:23LAUGHTER
03:25I've never listened to it but Alex has listened to it.
03:28You don't know this, Anya, but Ray introduced it.
03:30So I can play you Rayne's voice.
03:32This is a mixtape I made for you.
03:37There we go.
03:38Is that genuinely his voice?
03:40LAUGHTER
03:41It's like older than the electric shock machine.
03:44LAUGHTER
03:45Sounds like the guy who invented the telephone.
03:48LAUGHTER
03:49The second bit goes, Germany call it!
03:52Germany call it!
03:53LAUGHTER
03:55Well, Anya, let's not mess around.
03:57You've surprised me.
03:59LAUGHTER
04:00It's the weirdest thing that we've ever had on the show.
04:03Sanjeev, what surprising thing have you brought in?
04:06Christmas crackers.
04:08LAUGHTER
04:10Here they are.
04:11He's brought in Christmas crackers.
04:12OK.
04:13A variety.
04:14Hey!
04:15Huh?
04:16LAUGHTER
04:17Do you know what's in them?
04:18Oh, OK.
04:19I shouldn't write one point down?
04:21LAUGHTER
04:22It's not going to stop you.
04:23LAUGHTER
04:24OK, let's take the white one.
04:26If you open that up, there's a banana in it!
04:29LAUGHTER
04:30Weren't expecting that, were you?
04:32LAUGHTER
04:33I thought it was.
04:34Were you?
04:35Hang on, then.
04:36If we take the banana out, what do we find in the banana?
04:39A little cracker!
04:40LAUGHTER
04:41You weren't expecting that, were you?
04:42I am slightly more surprised by that.
04:44LAUGHTER
04:45What do you find in the little cracker?
04:47Oh, God, it's not a mixtape, is it?
04:49LAUGHTER
04:51No, it isn't, it's a picture of you!
04:53LAUGHTER
04:54I was kind of expecting it to be a banana.
04:56I wasn't expecting the small cracker.
04:57There was an element of surprise.
04:59LAUGHTER
05:01Macy.
05:02I've made a mixtape.
05:04I'm not Ray.
05:05LAUGHTER
05:06I'm not Ray.
05:07No, I've made a, er, compilation album.
05:10I reached out to various people connected to my fellow contestants
05:14and asked for surprising facts about you all.
05:17And this is the album that she's produced?
05:19It's called Now What's That About You?
05:22LAUGHTER
05:24Do you want to hear, er, Phil's one?
05:27This is from your mum.
05:28When Phil was four, he went through a phase of only saying the words
05:32Hedgehog no.
05:33Oh, fuck.
05:34LAUGHTER
05:35Hedgehog no?
05:36Hedgehog no?
05:37Well, we all go through that phase, don't we?
05:39LAUGHTER
05:41Rhys, er, I reached out to your comedy partner,
05:44Steve Pemberton, for this one.
05:46OK, this is what Steve said.
05:48One surprising thing about Rhys
05:51is that he used to draw pornographic pictures
05:55of all our tutors when we were at college
05:58and he would take requests.
06:01LAUGHTER
06:02Yeah, that's true.
06:07The requests used to be animals.
06:09Oh, George!
06:11Hedgehog no!
06:13APPLAUSE
06:19That is, er, very surprising.
06:21Phil, last one.
06:22Er, I have brought in a beautiful family heirloom,
06:26which is a grandfather clock.
06:28Yes, he has. Here it is.
06:29There it is. Beautiful, isn't it?
06:31Lovely.
06:32Passed down, ironically, from my auntie.
06:35R.I.P.
06:36I, er...
06:37She's not dead, but it's no life the way she is at the moment.
06:40LAUGHTER
06:44But you open the grandfather clock,
06:47there's a little surprise.
06:49Watch this.
06:50Yeah.
06:51It's also a fridge.
06:53LAUGHTER
06:55Did you put the fridge in?
06:57Yeah.
06:58I've devalued it quite a lot.
07:00LAUGHTER
07:02Oh, God.
07:03Oh, they're all quite good.
07:04Mm.
07:05Banana within a cracker.
07:09I still think it's the worst.
07:10LAUGHTER
07:12One point to Sanjeev.
07:13One point to Sanjeev, is it?
07:15Mm.
07:16Phil, I'm going to give it two points,
07:17cos it doesn't surprise me that much
07:19that you've put a fridge in a grandfather clock.
07:21LAUGHTER
07:22It doesn't surprise me that you have got a Victorian device
07:25for electrocuting people, but you get a point more than him
07:28because it does surprise me you electrocuted a child.
07:31LAUGHTER
07:32And then we're up to the big guns.
07:34Four points to the wonderful research.
07:36And wherever you are, Ray, you've just got five points.
07:40Five points down there!
07:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
07:46Right, let's have the first task, please, Alex.
07:48Right you are.
07:49And we begin with some honking, some whistling,
07:51and ten simple questions.
07:53MUSIC
08:07Hello!
08:08Oh, my gosh!
08:10Mm-hm.
08:11That's a lot of ducks.
08:12I was hoping there'd be ducks at some point.
08:14Very excited.
08:15What fresh hell is this?
08:18I feel judged.
08:21LAUGHTER
08:28Go and sit in the entrance lobby on Alex's horn
08:32and return on Alex's whistle.
08:35Every time you return, you must answer Alex's question
08:38within 30 seconds.
08:40You cannot change your answer.
08:42Alex will ask you ten questions.
08:44Most correct answers wins.
08:47Your time starts now.
08:49BUZZER
08:51Right.
08:52BUZZER
08:53BUZZER
08:54I need to just clap.
08:55BUZZER
08:56BUZZER
08:57Oh, wait a minute.
08:59Yeah, I'm not honking the horn yet.
09:01BUZZER
09:02BUZZER
09:04You OK?
09:05BUZZER
09:06BUZZER
09:07APPLAUSE
09:08BUZZER
09:14Well, there's not much more we need to know, is there?
09:17So let's just crack on.
09:18Yes, it's an intriguing one.
09:20And we're going to start with Anya, Maisie and Philip.
09:23BUZZER
09:24BUZZER
09:25Alex, I'm here!
09:26Helen?
09:27Where's this supposed to sit?
09:29BUZZER
09:30BUZZER
09:31Great, I'm brilliant, really.
09:32BUZZER
09:33BUZZER
09:34BUZZER
09:35BUZZER
09:36Maisie Adam, have a seat.
09:38Hello, Anya.
09:39Are you ready for the question?
09:41BUZZER
09:42BUZZER
09:43Yes.
09:44Yes, I am.
09:45Oh, lovely.
09:47That wasn't the question.
09:48Phil?
09:49Yes.
09:50What's missing?
09:52BUZZER
09:53BUZZER
09:54BUZZER
09:55BUZZER
09:56Your whistle.
09:57BUZZER
09:58This one.
09:59This whistle.
10:00BUZZER
10:018 seconds.
10:02I need an answer.
10:03BUZZER
10:04BUZZER
10:05BUZZER
10:06BUZZER
10:07Confident with that?
10:08Yes, one duck you've written.
10:09BUZZER
10:10Off you go.
10:11You need to be quicker with blowing your whistle.
10:13I won't be quick.
10:14BUZZER
10:15BUZZER
10:16BUZZER
10:17BUZZER
10:18BUZZER
10:19BUZZER
10:20BUZZER
10:21BUZZER
10:22BUZZER
10:23BUZZER
10:24BUZZER
10:25BUZZER
10:26BUZZER
10:27BUZZER
10:28OK, good.
10:29Hi.
10:30Phil.
10:31Anya Magliano.
10:32Yes.
10:33What's missing?
10:34Chicken.
10:35Chicken.
10:36BUZZER
10:37Duck.
10:38BUZZER
10:39Maisie.
10:40What's missing?
10:41A pumpkin.
10:42Why didn't you say that?
10:43Because it's right.
10:44BUZZER
10:45Fucking hell.
10:46Fuck, I'm missing it here now.
10:47Bastards.
10:48That was...
10:49Was that there?
10:50There's new stuff up.
10:51Cows.
10:52Was that there before?
10:53That is all stuff that's in that room.
10:56But that is that sock.
10:57BUZZER
10:58What's missing?
10:59Oh, the ducks are facing another way.
11:01Is that a clue?
11:02What's missing?
11:03Nothing?
11:04You haven't moved a thing?
11:05BUZZER
11:06I mean, Magliano.
11:07What's missing?
11:08What's missing?
11:09What's missing?
11:10Oh, wait.
11:11That apple wasn't there.
11:12BUZZER
11:13Is this the lobby?
11:14Does he really mean, what's missing?
11:16I'm going to take everything off here.
11:18Is the question actually like, what would you put in this room?
11:21I've furnished it to my abilities.
11:23What's missing?
11:24What's missing?
11:25Nothing, Alex.
11:26It's perfect as it is.
11:28BUZZER
11:30BUZZER
11:31BUZZER
11:32BUZZER
11:33BUZZER
11:34BUZZER
11:35Ah.
11:36BUZZER
11:37The ducks have gone everywhere.
11:38What's missing?
11:39OK.
11:40Yeah, well, then all the ducks.
11:41All the...
11:42No, the ducks have found you.
11:43Absolutely.
11:44BUZZER
11:45All of the ducks.
11:46All of the ducks.
11:47These are appearing outside.
11:48Maybe they're being taken out of the room.
11:50That wasn't there.
11:51Yes, but what's missing?
11:52Sock.
11:53Egg.
11:54Apple.
11:55Horse.
11:56Are you ready for the question film?
11:57All ears.
11:58What's new?
11:59What's new?
12:00Why would you do that?
12:01I think I've just got a hang of what's going on.
12:02You're just trying to throw me off and it's not working.
12:04BUZZER
12:05BUZZER
12:06BUZZER
12:07BUZZER
12:09BUZZER
12:10BUZZER
12:11BUZZER
12:12BUZZER
12:13BUZZER
12:14BUZZER
12:15BUZZER
12:16BUZZER
12:17BUZZER
12:18Oh, my God.
12:19What's going on?
12:20BUZZER
12:21Oh, thank God you're here.
12:23Here you go.
12:24Do you know what that looks out of interest?
12:26I don't know what's happening anymore.
12:27What's missing?
12:28Nothing.
12:29I'm worried these are things that aren't meant to be in the task
12:31and I'm seeing stuff again.
12:32I've rumbled you, hon.
12:34BUZZER
12:35BUZZER
12:36BUZZER
12:37Are you ready for your question, Phil?
12:38The final one.
12:39What connects all the correct answers?
12:41BUZZER
12:43BUZZER
12:44An iron.
12:45A butternut squash.
12:46A horse.
12:47An egg.
12:48What just connects all of these things?
12:49Yes, that's the question.
12:50They're all things...
12:51No, I couldn't get that up my arse.
12:53Good try.
12:54BUZZER
12:55They're all nothing.
12:56They're all nothing.
12:57Nothing.
12:58Yeah.
12:59They're all stuff I was left in my nana's will.
13:02BUZZER
13:03BUZZER
13:04They're all outside, on the shelf.
13:06In the waiting lobby.
13:07BUZZER
13:08BUZZER
13:09Thank you, Ania.
13:10I feel like I'm going to pass out.
13:12APPLAUSE
13:13All right.
13:14Good.
13:15APPLAUSE
13:20So, Ania, did you work it out, do you think?
13:22It drove me insane.
13:23It was horrible.
13:24It was crazy.
13:25It felt like some sort of torture system from an ancient culture.
13:29Phil, it was the most focused I've seen you throughout this series.
13:33Up until the point you stated that you couldn't get a big iron up your bum.
13:36BUZZER
13:37Well, not if it's hot.
13:39BUZZER
13:40I'm waiting to give it a go if it's not been near a stove.
13:44Let it chill down.
13:45Get some butter.
13:46BUZZER
13:47BUZZER
13:49Now then, what I was amazed by, because this hasn't been a characteristic of you during this series,
13:53is just how smug you were.
13:55You were so pleased with yourself.
13:57I thought I'd cracked it.
13:58I thought I'd worked it out.
13:59Oh, that was my favourite bit.
14:00You going, I'm inside his head.
14:04Have you got a smug face?
14:05Well, maybe.
14:06Have a look at this.
14:13Yeah, so we left them alone in the lobby, and Ania and Phil noticed things.
14:17BUZZER
14:19BUZZER
14:22BUZZER
14:24BUZZER
14:26BUZZER
14:27BUZZER
14:28Oh, no.
14:29Oh, come on, mate.
14:30And I can tell you that none of that is relevant to the task absolutely.
14:33APPLAUSE
14:39Good.
14:40That is the end of part one, and Alex's turn.
14:43For the first time ever, I'm going to let him send us into the break.
14:46Oh, thanks, Greg.
14:47That's all right.
14:48OK, well, it's the end of part one, and as why people...
14:51Shut up!
14:53See you in a bit.
14:55APPLAUSE
14:56Hello.
14:57Welcome back to the final part of this half of the show.
15:10What's he on about?
15:12Bonkers!
15:13Yes, in the current task, they had to keep leaving the living room
15:16and then working out what had changed upon their return.
15:19Now, finally, it's two impatient guys from the 60s.
15:22Sanjeef Bhaskar, OBE, and Rhys Wayne Shearsmith.
15:27BUZZER
15:28Ah, Sanjeef Bhaskar, have a seat.
15:31Rhys Shearsmith?
15:32Yes.
15:34I'm going to ask you your question now.
15:35Yep.
15:36What's missing?
15:40Oh, no.
15:41There's something that was in the room that is no longer in the room.
15:44Er, my enthusiasm.
15:47Already?
15:48Yeah.
15:49Question one.
15:50Yep.
15:51Would you mind writing enthusiasm?
15:52Yep, sure.
15:53On the board.
15:54I don't know if I can be arsed.
15:58Great, just nine more to go.
16:02The answer is one of the many ducks.
16:04Right, so you could have just written duck.
16:05So now penalised for being really clear.
16:08I mean, can't wait with you.
16:13Ah, Sanjeef Bhaskar, what's missing?
16:15Yellow duck.
16:16Ah.
16:20Hello, Sanjeef.
16:21What's missing?
16:24I'm going to go for another yellow duck.
16:27Duck, yep.
16:30There you go.
16:31Duck.
16:32Right.
16:33Which duck?
16:34Now you wonder what...
16:35I knew you were going to say that!
16:36It's nothing to do with a duck.
16:37Start with the thing of it.
16:39What's missing?
16:40I'm going to say two yellow ducks.
16:44Er, my next answer is going to be another yellow duck.
16:47Oh, you can...
16:48Do you want me to put that in now?
16:49Do you know what?
16:50That'll save a bit of time, innit?
16:51Yeah.
16:52Do you want me to give you the next answer as well?
16:56Well, it would save some time.
16:57It's up to you if you want to.
16:58Okay.
16:59Great.
17:00Well, I've actually...
17:01The question for number six is actually what's new in the room.
17:03Oh, is it?
17:04Hmm.
17:05Yeah, what the hell?
17:06Duck, is it?
17:07Yeah.
17:09Rhys Shearsmith.
17:10What's missing?
17:11What's missing?
17:12What is missing?
17:13The duck's face.
17:14You've got to tie off some ducks.
17:15There's a cat in here.
17:16Teapot.
17:17Rhys Shearsmith.
17:18How are you?
17:19Just before I ask you the question.
17:20I think just get on with it.
17:21What's missing, is it?
17:22What's missing?
17:23Yeah.
17:24Mr. Rhys Shearsmith.
17:25That's what's missing.
17:26What was the one after that?
17:27Oh, what's missing?
17:28Yeah, what's missing?
17:29Nothing's changed here.
17:35Definitely.
17:36Not.
17:45Well, that's new.
17:48So, just two questions left.
17:50Well, question nine is what's missing?
17:53What was in the room that isn't in the room now?
17:55Yep.
17:56Yep.
17:57Okay.
17:58And then question ten is what connects all the correct answers?
18:01What connects?
18:02All the correct answers.
18:03Okay.
18:06I do too.
18:07Excellent.
18:08And that's the end of the task.
18:09I didn't get to honk my horn as much as usual, but I will honk it now.
18:11There you go.
18:12I didn't do very well.
18:13By name, by noise.
18:16Thank you very much.
18:17Thank you, Sanjeev.
18:18We've got duck, duck faces.
18:20We've got a tie, some ducks, cats, teapot, mister, and the colour permitted from a duck.
18:25I'm going to say it's duck things.
18:28Connects all the answers.
18:29That's it.
18:30See you, Rhys.
18:31See you later.
18:32APPLAUSE
18:35I mean, that's one way to do it, Sanjeev.
18:40Not to care.
18:41But it's true.
18:42My enthusiasm, my will to live, my soul, they had all left the room.
18:47Did you have a lovely time, Rhys?
18:50It was frustrating.
18:52I thought the big duck walking out of the toilet, I thought, well, this is going to send him over the edge.
18:56That's new.
18:58No, it was sort of, it was what you would do to break somebody.
19:01Shall we see what was actually missing?
19:04Who, yeah, who got it right?
19:05Well, Sanjeev didn't, of course, notice the enormous duck at any point.
19:09Couldn't give a shit.
19:10Well, let's see if that tactic works.
19:17This is what was going on.
19:20Go and sit in the entrance lobby on Alex's horn.
19:24And return on Alex's whistle.
19:31Alex, I'm here.
19:33Helen!
19:34Blow your whistle!
19:35Hello.
19:36What's missing?
19:37One of the many ducks.
19:39A pumpkin.
19:40Eggs.
19:41Eggs.
19:42Eggs.
19:43What's missing?
19:44Teapot.
19:45A horse.
19:46Nothing.
19:47There has been a slam of the door each time I've come out.
19:49The question for number six is actually what's new in the rooms.
19:52Duck, is it?
19:53Yeah.
19:56What connects all the correct answers?
20:03I'm going to say it's duck.
20:05Duck things connects all the answers.
20:08Yeah.
20:09No doubt.
20:10Yeah.
20:13He's playing good in the end, but who would have thought?
20:15Literally, a person who couldn't care less whether he was here or not
20:19has got the system right.
20:20Yeah.
20:21Well, Maisie, you didn't put duck once.
20:23What a stupid task!
20:26Please!
20:27You've changed your tube.
20:28That is so stupid!
20:29Show us mud face again.
20:30LAUGHTER
20:40Phil, you got one and a half right out of ten.
20:42Oh, what's the half?
20:43Well, you put all the ducks were missing at one point,
20:45because he didn't see that all the ducks were still in the room.
20:47Oh, yeah.
20:48In fact, just one of the ducks was missing at that point.
20:49So I've given you a half.
20:50Oh.
20:51And you got two right.
20:52Rhys, you got five right, but the winner and five points to him
20:55is Sanjeev with six points!
20:56There it is!
20:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
21:02Scoreboard, please.
21:03Well, Rhys is in second place with seven points,
21:05but in the lead with eight points, it's Anya!
21:07Oh!
21:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
21:10Next task, please.
21:11OK.
21:12And it's time for an art task that made them go above and beyond the canvas.
21:20Ooh!
21:21Ooh!
21:22Ooh!
21:23There you go.
21:24Wasn't there someone?
21:25Oh!
21:26Don't, don't!
21:36He's hit the bell.
21:41Can I continue?
21:48Oh!
21:49Ah!
21:50I got you!
21:51So scoreboard, Shane!
21:52Hello.
21:58Hello.
22:00And stop.
22:01Do you feel safe?
22:03Well, I did, now I don't, since you said that.
22:06I'm not going to talk to you until you're safe.
22:08Am I not safe? No.
22:10Safe from what? Peril.
22:13Peril?
22:15This will hurt a little bit.
22:17OK, clicked in.
22:18You are secure.
22:20I haven't been harnessed in months.
22:25This is great.
22:29Oh, God, it's really quick how much it hurt and pulls you back.
22:36Paint the best picture of one animal sitting on top of another animal.
22:41You must paint on the paper below.
22:44I didn't spot that.
22:48I didn't spot that.
22:50Excellent.
22:51You must not leave the balcony.
22:52You have 15 minutes and your time starts now.
22:56OK, let me just have a little look at my things I've got.
22:59Interesting.
23:01So that's for the finer work.
23:03Oh, well, this is just stupid.
23:06APPLAUSE
23:15It's a Taskmaster classic, really.
23:17It's paint-a-picture, you know, in difficult circumstances.
23:20Mm-hm.
23:21So I think we'll just crack on with it, but before we do,
23:23would anyone like to see Anya deliberately run away
23:26from something that she's been tethered to
23:28and make a noise like a small cat?
23:31LAUGHTER
23:33You're in luck.
23:34OK, here they all are creating their high-concept artwork.
23:48So, what animals are there?
23:50Snakes.
23:55Pig.
23:56An orangutan.
23:57Have you decided on your animal yet?
23:58No, I'm just trying to work out how useful these things are.
24:01No.
24:02No?
24:03Not yet.
24:04Oh, right.
24:06I hear you're quite an artist, Rhys.
24:08Not on this scale.
24:10We need brown.
24:11Brown is red and blue.
24:13OK.
24:15Just going to be a mucky horse.
24:16So it's an orangutan sitting on a mucky horse?
24:18Yeah.
24:19That's a horse.
24:20Just screams horse to me.
24:24I'm trying to draw a top view.
24:27Top view of a hippopotamus.
24:30Hippos have quite big bodies.
24:33Oh, my God.
24:36Oh, it's lovely.
24:40Well, maybe it is a dragon.
24:41It could be a Komodo dragon.
24:43That's a dressing gown, innit?
24:45Oh, that's quite good.
24:47Why not?
24:50Urgh!
24:52This is high.
24:54Come on, horsey.
24:55Oh, this is so stupid.
24:58Right.
25:00Oh, this is ungainly.
25:02Oh!
25:04Shut up, Alex.
25:05Sorry.
25:07I'm going to have to use the tube.
25:09Alex, could you pour it in the end, really?
25:12Just stop when I tell you.
25:13Obviously.
25:14Right, start pouring.
25:16Here we go.
25:18There we go!
25:20Stop pouring.
25:25Stop pouring, I said.
25:27I haven't.
25:31It's now a panda.
25:32That is striped ginger cat.
25:35Oh, it was good for a bit, this.
25:4515 seconds.
25:47Shut up!
25:48I'm quite happy with that.
25:49Do you want me to sign it?
25:50P-E.
25:52OK.
25:54He's got an eye!
25:55WHISTLE BLOWS
26:05Phil, I've said it before, I'll say it again, I think you're wasted in this era.
26:09I think you're a 70s slapstick king.
26:11Oh, thanks very much.
26:12I mean, how could you get wrapped up in your...
26:13I've reached your word!
26:14I mean, how could you get wrapped up in your...
26:21Do you start with pills?
26:22Oh, I enjoyed this task.
26:28It's good.
26:29Well, it's an orangutan on either a dog, a horse, or a fire-breathing dragon.
26:34Yes!
26:35It was meant to be fire, but it looks like it is being...
26:37just bleeding from its mouth.
26:38LAUGHTER
26:39It's a great orangutan.
26:40It's amazing.
26:41Yeah, the orangutan.
26:42And it's a great demonic creature.
26:44It's very good, this, Phil.
26:45Oh, thank you.
26:46You're welcome.
26:47Let's have a look at Sanjeev's effort.
26:49Here we go.
26:54So this is viewed from above.
26:55It's a ginger cat sitting on the back of a hippopotamus.
27:00Oh, OK.
27:01Yeah.
27:03Yeah, it's a big grey thing, all right.
27:05And it's a ginger cat?
27:07Yeah.
27:08Do you need me to make the noise?
27:10LAUGHTER
27:11Can't.
27:12Can't.
27:13Who's next?
27:14Let's have a look at Maisie's one.
27:17Oh, wow.
27:18Never has anyone fucked up their own snake so quickly.
27:22You like the detail, though?
27:23The detail in the tail?
27:25That's pretty good.
27:26Squiggly piggy tail?
27:27Yeah, squiggly piggy tail.
27:28Yeah, squiggly piggy tail.
27:29Squiggly piggy tail.
27:30They've got corkscrew penises as well, did you know?
27:32What?
27:33I did.
27:36What are you talking about, a corkscrew penis?
27:38They've got a penis that's shaped like a corkscrew.
27:40Like a spiral?
27:41No, the other bit.
27:42LAUGHTER
27:43The arms.
27:44LAUGHTER
27:53OK, let's leave the gallery for a quick break and then, as has happened throughout our friendship,
27:58I'll show Alex some images of one animal on top of another.
28:01LAUGHTER
28:12Hello!
28:13Here we are again.
28:14Welcome back to an arty part three.
28:16Our contestants have all had a long-distance relationship with their canvases.
28:20Best picture of an animal sitting on top of another animal wins.
28:23And our next gallery singleton comes from resident artist, Reece Wayne Shearsmith.
28:32It's a crocodile.
28:33Yeah.
28:36It's a pretty good crocodile.
28:37Oh, it's a great crocodile.
28:38It's really good.
28:39If you imagine it, it's quite a coquettish panda that's looking to the left like...
28:44LAUGHTER
28:46It's a pretty good panda.
28:48That's exactly what I was going for.
28:50Who's next?
28:51It's Anya's picture of this animal sitting on this animal.
28:57LAUGHTER
28:58Oh, wow, that is the worst, isn't it?
29:01LAUGHTER
29:02What do you mean?
29:03Is it a dolphin?
29:04Yeah.
29:05It's a whale.
29:06I can see it's aquatic.
29:07Yeah.
29:08Yeah.
29:09It's in the sea.
29:10And is the other animal the yellow thing?
29:11Yes.
29:12A chicken leg?
29:13A chicken leg.
29:14It's a bird.
29:15It's not a bird.
29:16You said it was a monkey.
29:17LAUGHTER
29:18LAUGHTER
29:21All right.
29:22It's a rubbish monkey on top of some sort of aquatic creature.
29:25Show me them all and I'll make some decisions.
29:27OK.
29:28I really like all of the paintings.
29:30I do.
29:31I enjoy them.
29:32So I'm not going to give anyone one point.
29:34I know you won't like this.
29:35Right.
29:36I think that at the bottom of the pile with two points each,
29:39and I don't think this is unfair, would be Anya and Sanjeev.
29:42I certainly don't think that's a cat, and my God, that's no monkey.
29:47LAUGHTER
29:48But, sure, there's a hippo and I can see that's aquatic,
29:50so I'm going to give them two points each.
29:51OK.
29:52Two to Anya, two to Sanjeev.
29:53Right.
29:54I'm going to give four points each to Maisie and Rhys,
29:56because I really like their paintings.
29:58But it's the detail on the orangutan that takes the five points.
30:02I see the orangutan and I feel good.
30:04LAUGHTER
30:05It's five points to Phil Ellis.
30:06Well done.
30:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
30:11Please, may we have one more task?
30:13Yes, of course.
30:14And now it's time to put all five of them
30:16in some awkward positions in the dome.
30:19MUSIC PLAYS
30:34OK.
30:42Hi, Alex.
30:43Oh, hi, Maisie.
30:44In you go, Anya.
30:45In I go.
30:46Can I read that?
30:47Please read and do the task immediately.
30:50Your time's started when you walk through the door.
30:53Oh, OK.
30:54My time's already started.
30:56You need that in bigger writing,
30:57or maybe on the outside of the, er...
30:59Right.
31:00..the dome.
31:01OK, I'll get on that.
31:03Have a little look.
31:04I'll just read this, shall I?
31:06OK.
31:07You must read each of these instructions out
31:10and do them immediately.
31:12Stand on one leg and keep standing on one leg.
31:15Doing it now.
31:16That's my bad leg.
31:17That's it.
31:18Put one finger in your...
31:20I've got no balance.
31:21I've got flat feet.
31:22Put one finger in your ear and keep it there.
31:25Put your other hand on your head and keep it there.
31:28Pull an extreme facial expression
31:31and keep that expression on your face.
31:34There.
31:36Yeah, lovely.
31:38Wow.
31:39Your time has started and will end if you move your hands.
31:43Touch the ground with your foot.
31:45I've came to hope it happened.
31:48Please read and do the task immediately.
31:51The time starts when you walk through the door, yeah?
31:55What's the task?
31:58All the information's on the task, Rhys.
32:00What?
32:01Is it just the task?
32:04Why is there a...
32:05Why is there an apple turnover?
32:08Why is...
32:09I don't understand the chicken.
32:10Why did the chicken cross the road?
32:12To get to the other side...
32:15Why did the chicken cross...
32:17Turnover!
32:18Turn up, turn the task...
32:19Oh, you!
32:20Ha-ha!
32:22Oh, come on!
32:30It's not touching the ground.
32:31Oh, you're okay?
32:32Oh, you can...
32:34Oh.
32:35It's all right, it's fine.
32:36Oh, there we go, you've done it.
32:37You've done it, you've done it.
32:38Oh, I've done it!
32:39Say the most five-letter words.
32:42If anyone uses the same five-letter words as you,
32:45five words will be lost from both your totals.
32:49Most five-letter words wins.
32:52I have 20 minutes...
32:53Yeah.
32:55...of this.
32:56APPLAUSE
33:06I think Rhys has spoken for everyone there.
33:09I mean, it's a fun task, you know?
33:11A lot of fun, yeah.
33:1220 minutes of this!
33:14It does seem like cruel torture.
33:16You're just resting on that thing.
33:18Mm, as always, all the information is on the task.
33:20Fuck off.
33:21Oh!
33:26Let's have a look.
33:27OK, well, here is a clip about APR.
33:29No, not your annual percentage rate.
33:31It's Anya, Phil and Rhys, Wayne, Shearsmith.
33:37Say the most five-letter word.
33:39Um...
33:42Am I allowed to rest the leg on anything?
33:45I've tried to put all the information on the task.
33:48LAUGHTER
33:50Oh, that's opened up a whole new world to me.
33:52Ticks.
33:53Staff.
33:54Tiger.
33:55Horse.
33:56Lovely.
33:57Here we go.
33:58Animals.
33:59Roads.
34:00Gangs.
34:01Rhyme.
34:02Pasty.
34:03Oh, no, but someone else has probably said that.
34:06Pasty!
34:07Oh.
34:08I'm just confused about why that's there.
34:10You've got 16 minutes left.
34:12Wait, what?
34:14Oh, no.
34:20Oh.
34:21I know, I know.
34:22No, that's the end of the task.
34:23What?
34:24It doesn't...
34:25Does it say that?
34:27Oh, shit.
34:29Oh, Anya.
34:32Oh.
34:34How long do I have to do it for?
34:36You've got a maximum of 20 minutes.
34:3720 minutes?
34:38Yeah.
34:39How many minutes left?
34:4012 and a half.
34:4112 and a half?
34:42You've got 12 minutes left.
34:4312 minutes?
34:44Jesus Christ.
34:46Tango!
34:47On the dances now.
34:48Oh, beast.
34:49Let's have that one.
34:50Right.
34:51Beast.
34:52Teeth.
34:53Plane.
34:54Plane.
34:55I'll have plane.
34:56And I'll have the other plane as well, please.
34:58The I-N.
34:59Right.
35:00Both planes.
35:01Got it.
35:02Pains.
35:03Cramped.
35:04Tired.
35:05Hurt.
35:06Cruel.
35:07I don't know if you have much about me, Alex, but...
35:08I don't quit.
35:09You do look in a lot of pain, though.
35:11I'm in so much pain.
35:13I didn't realise I'd sweat quite so much.
35:16Really sweaty.
35:17Sweat.
35:18Stats.
35:19Just two and a half minutes left.
35:21Great.
35:22Musky.
35:23Clean.
35:24Hurt.
35:25Boots.
35:26Snow.
35:27Shoes.
35:28Death.
35:29Socks.
35:30Yeah, ten seconds.
35:31Let's bend on a nice one.
35:33Do you know what?
35:35Laugh.
35:36We thought we were one of them, couldn't we?
35:38Don't go away.
35:39That was real as well.
35:41I thought it was fair that you were kicked out because I was not happy with your silly face maintenance.
35:57Oh.
35:58What?
35:59Really?
36:00Yeah.
36:01This was your silly face.
36:02They're laughing at that.
36:03That's pretty silly then.
36:04Good.
36:05A lot of pain.
36:06Yeah.
36:07A lot of sweat.
36:0820 minutes, one leg.
36:09No fucking leaning.
36:10You took advantage of the pain with your choice of words.
36:13I did.
36:14Pain.
36:15Tired.
36:16Hurt.
36:17Cruel.
36:18Oh, wow.
36:19What a start.
36:20OK.
36:21It's time for some adverts now, but fortunately, their insipid blandness will only make the next part taste even sweeter.
36:37Hello.
36:38Hello, and welcome to the final part of the show.
36:41How are you feeling about it all, Alex?
36:43You know, confident, relaxed, a little bit roundy, the Holy Trinity.
36:47The current task involves finding the other part of the task and then saying as many unique five-letter words as possible.
36:54But meanwhile, if a foot touches the floor, it's game over.
36:58With all of that in mind, and especially relevant, here is Maisie and Sanjeev.
37:05You must read each of these instructions out and do them immediately.
37:09Stand on one leg and keep standing on one leg.
37:12I'll just switch your legs.
37:17OK.
37:18Oh, bollocks.
37:19Right.
37:20I can't help noticing your foot keeps touching the ground.
37:22OK.
37:23Yeah.
37:26I really needed to go to the loo, actually.
37:29This is it.
37:30The time has started.
37:32What?
37:33What?
37:34Oh, gosh, what have I got to do?
37:43That's just a row.
37:44Why did the ticking cross the row?
37:46Is it about what?
37:47Oh, maybe.
37:48But why is there an apple pie?
37:49What's that for?
37:50An apple pie, is it?
37:54Is there an apple pie?
37:56Oh! Is it an apple turnover?
38:00Why did the chicken cross the road to get to the apple turnover?
38:04Why did the chicken cross the bastard road?
38:08Oh, bastard!
38:16I don't think I have to do anything!
38:20You...
38:22You would have fed, wouldn't you?
38:24Wouldn't you?
38:26Stop the clock!
38:28You want me to stop the clock?
38:30Yeah! I'm done! I'm done!
38:32OK! Bye!
38:34Bye-bye!
38:42I was so excited to do this show!
38:46I didn't understand the task. No.
38:48I got frustrated. Yes.
38:50And I left. True.
38:52What was evident?
38:54I've got some interesting statistics for you.
38:56Rhys, you said 117 words.
39:0041 of them were said by other people, mostly Phil,
39:02which means your final number is minus 88.
39:06Oh, that's hard!
39:07Because each of those 41 loses you five words.
39:09Yeah, yeah.
39:10So, Rhys, you come last. Great minds.
39:12That is shocking.
39:14Crowell!
39:15Maisie, you get minus 81.
39:16You get two points.
39:18Phil, minus 74 in the end.
39:20Anya, minus 49.
39:22The winner of the task was minus 32.
39:24It's 13, Bosco!
39:26The winner of Sanjeev Bosco!
39:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
39:34To keep the task, it turns out, was to not say a lot.
39:37If you'd not said a word, you would have won.
39:39You fucking mean to tell me...
39:41LAUGHTER
39:44..that I stood sweating on one leg for 20 minutes...
39:49LAUGHTER
39:50..and I've lost.
39:51Learn from Sanjeev. Care less.
39:54LAUGHTER
39:56Let's have a look at the scores.
39:58Yes. Sanjeev, you are in second place on 13.
40:00One point away from Anya, who's got 14 points.
40:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:06Incredible.
40:07Yep.
40:10It's that time again.
40:11Please, will you make your way to the stage for the final task of the show?
40:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
40:23Who will read the task, young fellow, my lad?
40:25I think Anya's going to read it.
40:27OK.
40:29Demonstrate to the taskmaster the idiom demonstrated to you
40:33by your team-mate.
40:34All team members must remain silent and on their spots during a round.
40:38Best team wins.
40:41What is an idiom?
40:43LAUGHTER
40:44Am I an idiom?
40:46LAUGHTER
40:47They're just phrases.
40:48An idiom is something like jump on the bandwagon.
40:50And first up, it's going to be the team of two.
40:52I've got a list of phrases.
40:53I'm going to show you one, Maisie.
40:55You're going to demonstrate the idiom to your team-mate,
40:58Reece Shearsmith.
40:59He will then, at the same time, do it to Greg.
41:01Essentially, charades with an extra link.
41:03OK.
41:04Greg, ready to guess?
41:05Oh, my God.
41:06OK, Reece.
41:07I've never been read here.
41:08Here we go.
41:11Go!
41:19Rocking man.
41:23You can just copy her if you want.
41:24LAUGHTER
41:25What do you think it is, Greg?
41:29APPLAUSE
41:30What do you think it was in the end, Reece?
41:31Because you're the only one who saw it.
41:32Something like a taste injection?
41:33Yes.
41:34A taste injection?
41:35A taste injection?
41:36Yes.
41:37A taste injection?
41:38Is she doing this?
41:39It's a phrase, so think about phrases.
41:40Yes.
41:41They've turned on each other.
41:42A taste...
41:43A taste of...
41:44A taste of your own injection.
41:45Oh, yeah.
41:46They scored zero, so can we have two of the team of three, please?
41:47If you can go and sit down and swap chairs.
41:48Shall we go for...?
41:49OK.
41:50OK.
41:51OK, so you've got to beat zero.
41:52Are you ready, Greg?
41:53Ready.
41:54Your time will start when you see the first one.
41:57NICK TEACHER
42:24CHAT
42:27Chat, chat or talk?
42:31Err, err, dear, rap.
42:33The devil!
42:35Oh, so close!
42:37You were so close to it.
42:39What was it?
42:41I think Greg is the weak link in this.
42:43Get fucked am I!
42:45It was, of course, speak of the devil.
42:47Speak of the devil.
42:49The good news is, it's still nil-nil.
42:51You can go back to your seat.
42:57Err.
42:59Over.
43:01Go. Go.
43:05Go on.
43:07Go on, A.
43:11Wild.
43:13Right.
43:15Go on, a wild.
43:17Goose shape.
43:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:21A good one, a good one.
43:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
43:27You have the actor, Sanjeev Bhaskar, with me.
43:29Nice and quiet, everyone, please.
43:35First word.
43:36A.
43:37Oh.
43:39Moon.
43:40Hole.
43:41Leg.
43:44Knee.
43:45Thigh.
43:46Limb.
43:48Oh, shirt.
43:50Blue.
43:51Ten seconds.
43:52Moon.
43:53No blue moon.
43:55One.
43:56Five seconds.
43:57No balloon.
43:58No blue moon.
43:59A.
44:00One.
44:01First word.
44:02What is it?
44:03Once in a blue moon.
44:04Once in a blue moon.
44:05It was once a blue moon.
44:06It's one-nil.
44:07With one round to go.
44:08Well done.
44:09That was great, Sanjeev.
44:10This is the last round.
44:11One-nil.
44:12So you need to build a lead here.
44:13Good luck, Greg.
44:14Good luck, Rhys.
44:16Good luck, mate.
44:17Cold.
44:22Cold foot.
44:23Cold shoe.
44:24Cold foot?
44:25Cold foot?
44:29Cold feet.
44:30Cold feet.
44:36Bite.
44:38Bite the bullet.
44:39Correct!
44:40Second hand. Tick. Lesson. Tick. What's the time?
44:45Time to fly.
44:48It's party time.
44:51Oh!
44:54Time flies what you're having, Clara.
44:58So far, 3-0 with one go to go.
45:03Ready, Greg? Yeah, I mean, yeah.
45:05Ready, Sanjay?
45:06Ready, Phil?
45:10Bite.
45:15OK. First word.
45:18Bye.
45:19Bye.
45:20The.
45:22Don't bite the hand that feeds you, surely.
45:25By the...
45:27Oh!
45:28By the spider.
45:31By the...
45:33What was it, Phil?
45:36It was...
45:37It was dead easy.
45:38By...
45:39the...
45:40skin...
45:41of your teeth.
45:42Yeah.
45:43I probably would have got that if it wasn't for this.
45:45LAUGHTER
45:49Add that to the final scores.
45:50Come down and join me!
45:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:54Come on, mate.
45:55OK.
45:56Well, scores-wise.
45:57Yeah.
45:58Well, it's up to you.
45:59The team of two got three right.
46:00The team of three got zero right.
46:01So how do the points work?
46:02So five points to the team that got some right,
46:04and no points to the ones who didn't get any wrong.
46:06Well done, Maisie and Rhys, five points each!
46:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:08So...
46:09It's turned upside down.
46:10The two people at the bottom are now at the top.
46:11Maisie's in second place with 16 points,
46:12but the winner is Rhys with 17 points!
46:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:16REX SHOWERS
46:17REX SHOWERS
46:18REX SHOWERS
46:19So...
46:20It's turned upside down.
46:21The two people at the bottom are now at the top.
46:22Maisie's in second place with 16 points,
46:24but the winner is...
46:25REX SHOWERS
46:26REX SHOWERS
46:27REX SHOWERS
46:28REX SHOWERS
46:29REX SHOWERS
46:30REX SHOWERS
46:31REX SHOWERS
46:32REX SHOWERS
46:33REX SHOWERS
46:34REX SHOWERS
46:35REX SHOWERS
46:36REX SHOWERS
46:37REX SHOWERS
46:38So, what have we learnt from today's show?
46:40We've learnt this.
46:41If you want to win in life, be more Sanjay.
46:44Care less, win more.
46:47We've also learnt, don't tie your cat to a fence.
46:51So...
46:52LAUGHTER
46:53And let's not forget, this episode's winner, Rhys Shearsman!
46:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:59MUSIC CONTINUES
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