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Taskmaster S20 E09

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😹
Fun
Transcript
00:00Oh, no!
00:06Hello?
00:13Hey!
00:19Nothing's ever straightforward in this stupid house.
00:30APPLAUSE
00:34Hi! Hello!
00:36Welcome to Taskmaster. I'm Greg Davis and I've got beef.
00:39I've got beef, I've got lamb, I've got pork, and I've got chicken.
00:42Who wants chicken?
00:51Welcome to Taskmaster. Expect the unexpected,
00:54but also expect the following people.
00:56They are...
00:57Anya Magliano!
01:00Maisie Adam!
01:02Phil Ellis!
01:04Rhys Shearsmith!
01:07And Fungie Baskar!
01:12And next to me, a man who, according to fan fiction on the internet,
01:16I am in and out of like a sewing machine.
01:24This is not at all!
01:27APPLAUSE
01:29Hello, everyone.
01:30I have to deal with the correspondence.
01:32Wow!
01:33So many questions this week.
01:35So let's have some frequently asked questions to little Alex Horne.
01:39FAQs!
01:41For the L-A-H!
01:42FAQs to the L-A-H!
01:44Yeah, the FAQs!
01:46For the L-A-H!
01:47OK, so we've got a question here from Jeremy.
01:51I have such genuine contempt for you sometimes.
01:54Yeah, yeah.
01:55OK.
01:56Question here from Jeremy in Egypt, who says...
01:59Did you do anything special for dinner last night, Alex?
02:01And I did, Jeremy.
02:02I had Stephen Fry for dinner, so...
02:06Stir fry.
02:07I had stir fry for dinner.
02:09Next question.
02:10FAQ!
02:12For the L-A-H!
02:14Oh, and Jeremy has asked another question.
02:16He says, did you have the...
02:18Ooh, he already heard my answer.
02:19Did you have the stir fry with anyone?
02:21And I did, I had it with Annika Rice.
02:23With special fried rice!
02:24Right, right.
02:25LAUGHTER
02:30What are you writing?
02:31I've written 20 series, and that was the worst start of...
02:35LAUGHTER
02:36Right, let us begin with the proceedings.
02:38Off we go!
02:39It's prize task time, and the category is...
02:41The most respected item that retains its credibility
02:45when you talk about it in a high-pitched voice.
02:51Respectability and credibility in the face of high frequencies.
02:53Soliloquies.
02:54It's as simple as that, guys.
02:56Five points for the best one, and all five items
02:58will still go home with the episode winner.
03:01Maisie, what is your respected item?
03:04Well, I've bought in...
03:06LAUGHTER
03:08This is the task, no?
03:09OK.
03:10Do you want me to...
03:11Do you want me to go high as well?
03:12Er...
03:13Well, I don't know if it lessens my high voice if you're also high.
03:17Maybe I go deep.
03:20Didn't like the eye contact when you said...
03:24Maybe I go deep.
03:26LAUGHTER
03:29Erm, so I've brought in a wonderful and authentic signed photo
03:33of Aled Jones.
03:35Here it is.
03:36Erm...
03:37He's most well-known for the Walking in the Air song, which is pretty much up here.
03:48Yeah.
03:49Is he credible, Aled?
03:51Credible?
03:52Yeah.
03:53He's a national treasure.
03:55He didn't sing the one in the film, though.
03:57He re-recorded it.
03:58Yeah, well, less about that.
03:59I don't want to tell you.
04:01Oh, my God, someone's lost their credibility.
04:03LAUGHTER
04:05Well, you know from previous episodes what my attitude to this show has been.
04:12It can be summed up...
04:13It can be summed up by, I've got an OBE, why am I here?
04:17LAUGHTER
04:19So, in that vein, let me show you, it's a book.
04:23Look!
04:25It's puppies and kittens.
04:28What?
04:30LAUGHTER
04:31And on the back, just to kind of help it...
04:34Sanchi!
04:36I'm sorry.
04:38Look, look, look at the little one down there.
04:42I feel a lot better now.
04:44I mean, you are off the hook, my friend.
04:47I have never seen a puppy in a park and picked it up and I'm going,
04:50oh, oh, it's so credible.
04:53You've brought some terrible price dust in, but this is a new one.
04:58LAUGHTER
04:59Anya.
05:00Hello.
05:01What have you brought in that I will respect?
05:03I've made a rug.
05:08She genuinely did make a rug.
05:13Model on a specific boots store, is that right?
05:15Piccadilly Circus.
05:19I think it's an incredible shop.
05:21Boots has been around for generations, hasn't it?
05:24Well, I wouldn't know about that.
05:26LAUGHTER
05:27We get it, we get it, you're young.
05:31APPLAUSE
05:33What I will say is that I think in this society that we live in,
05:37it's become quite a godless state.
05:40LAUGHTER
05:42Something has filled the gap of church and I think it's boots.
05:46Against all odds, this is the strongest one so far.
05:50LAUGHTER
05:51Phil.
05:52I've brought in...
05:54LAUGHTER
05:56..my nana's headstone.
05:58LAUGHTER
05:59LAUGHTER
06:01LAUGHTER
06:03APPLAUSE
06:08Yes, he has.
06:09I mean, obviously this is not her real gravestone, but you...
06:12Well, my dad had never got one.
06:14So I thought I'd get one.
06:16What, they just tossed her in a hole?
06:18LAUGHTER
06:20When we lowered it in, I remember my mum went,
06:22that's a bit deeper than normal.
06:24And my auntie went, yeah, I've asked him to go deeper
06:26so I can go in on top of her.
06:28LAUGHTER
06:30So my auntie is buried on top of my nana with the two chihuahuas.
06:35LAUGHTER
06:37Oh, my God, this is all true, isn't it?
06:38It's true!
06:40Oh.
06:41And we're fine with there being a picture of Winston Churchill on the...
06:44LAUGHTER
06:46Do you know, I'd never seen the resemblance until you mentioned it, yeah?
06:49LAUGHTER
06:53Incredible.
06:55Um, Rhys.
06:56Yes, well, I began, not doing the voice for now,
06:59but I began thinking what was a respectable item.
07:02So I proceeded to create a one-off, limited edition,
07:07commemorative plate for the coronation of the King Charles
07:11and the Queen Consort, Camilla.
07:14Beautiful.
07:18And then I thought, well, who better to voice in a high-pitched manner this?
07:23So I asked Joe Pasquale.
07:24LAUGHTER
07:26Who better?
07:27Yeah.
07:29This decorative 12-inch commemorative plate
07:31features two detailed portraits of King Charles III
07:34and Queen Camilla wearing their magnificent crowns,
07:37perfect for serving of sandwiches on a big pile of rich teas.
07:41Mm.
07:43APPLAUSE
07:44And this is almost impossible to score.
07:51LAUGHTER
07:52OK.
07:53One point to Sanjeev.
07:54One point to Sanjeev, OK.
07:55I'm going to give two points to Maisie.
07:57OK.
07:58I'm going to give Anya and Rhys four points.
08:01Four to Anya, four to Rhys.
08:02And I'm using this task to give Hetty the respect she was not afforded
08:06by whoever tossed her in a hole in the ground.
08:09And these five points are for Hetty.
08:11There we go. Well done for Lewis.
08:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
08:13Right, let's get Tuscan.
08:18Here we go.
08:19And lucky us, it's time to get trollied.
08:21Mmm.
08:34Maisie!
08:35How are you?
08:36Really good.
08:38Ah, hello.
08:41OK.
08:43Trolley?
08:44Yeah, it's a nice trolley.
08:47Right.
08:49Ahem.
08:51Build a tower of bricks on this trolley,
08:54then push it down the slope.
08:57You may not touch the trolley after it passes the start line.
09:00Is that the start line up there?
09:01Yeah, that's the start line, yeah.
09:02OK.
09:03The tallest tower that passes the finish line wins.
09:06As well as bricks, all the contents of one of these bins
09:10must be part of your tower, but nothing else.
09:14You may only look inside the bins once,
09:16and only for as long as you can scream.
09:19You must replace each lid before looking in the next bin.
09:22You have a total of ten minutes and three attempts
09:24during which you must also scream.
09:28Your times start when Alex screams.
09:34OK.
09:41So...
09:42Ah!
09:43Oh, my God!
09:44Ah!
09:45Ah!
09:46Ah!
09:47Ah!
09:48Build a tower of bricks on this trolley.
09:49Where are all the other bricks?
09:50Ah!
09:51Ah!
09:52Ah!
10:00Well, there was a lot for me to be distracted by in that set-up.
10:03Um, Alex's screaming in particular, er, was disturbing.
10:07Never done it before.
10:08Yeah.
10:09Love to scream.
10:10Give it a go.
10:11Ah!
10:12Ah!
10:13All right.
10:14I'm ready.
10:15Here we go.
10:16Right.
10:17First to attack the stack are Anya and let's have Phil.
10:21Hmm.
10:22Let's start screaming.
10:23Screaming for the whole time.
10:25For the whole time.
10:26Ah!
10:27Ah!
10:28Ah!
10:29Ah!
10:30Ah!
10:31Ah!
10:32Ah!
10:33Ah!
10:34Ah!
10:35Ah!
10:36Ah!
10:37Ah!
10:38Ah!
10:39Ah!
10:40Ah!
10:41Ah!
10:42Ah!
10:43Ah!
10:44Ah!
10:45Ah!
10:46Ah!
10:47Ah!
10:48No!
10:49I didn't actually see what that was.
10:51And I think I did a little wee from screaming so hard.
10:55Oh!
10:56Ah!
10:57Ah!
10:58Ah!
10:59Ah!
11:00Ah!
11:01Lovely stuff.
11:02I've forgotten what was in the bins.
11:03Yeah.
11:04Kettle?
11:05That said cement.
11:06There's no point with cement, because I don't really have time to mix it.
11:11I'm going to go with cement.
11:13OK.
11:14Oh!
11:15Oh, my God, it's actually like I get to make it.
11:17OK, well, should I build it up there then, maybe?
11:19If you want.
11:20Do you want me to bring any bricks or not?
11:21Yes, please.
11:22How many?
11:23All of them.
11:24Well...
11:25I'm going to go for the top cap bit.
11:28Oh, this is bullshit!
11:30HE LAUGHS
11:31Ah!
11:32OK, now we're talking!
11:35Oh!
11:36Oh!
11:37HE LAUGHS
11:39Er...
11:40This isn't cement.
11:42That's flour, by the way.
11:45Yeah, don't taste everything.
11:47So these are really useful, cos look.
11:57Oh, I've got two more bricks.
11:59Yeah.
12:00You don't have to use all the bricks.
12:01Have I made a terrible error?
12:02Well, you've got to get it down that slope in the next three minutes.
12:04Oh, I've got to get it up the slope as well?
12:05And down the slope.
12:06I've got to get it up!
12:07Two and a half minutes.
12:08How do you turn it?
12:09How do you turn it, Charlie?
12:10This is worse than the ones I steal from Lidl.
12:14Like that.
12:15Right.
12:16Bit of class.
12:17You've only got time for one go.
12:18You've got ten seconds.
12:19OK.
12:20Oh, we've got to do it during this time.
12:21Absolutely.
12:22Oh, I thought I was just waiting.
12:23Right...
12:24AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
12:25AHHHHHHHHH!
12:26AHHHHH!
12:27AHHHHH!
12:28AHHHHH!
12:29AHHHHH!
12:30AHHHHH!
12:31AHHHHH!
12:32AHHHHH!
12:33AHHHHH!
12:34AHHHHH!
12:35AHHHHH!
12:36AHHHHH!
12:37AHHHHH!
12:38AHHHHH!
12:39AHHHHH!
12:40AHHHHH!
12:41AHHHHH!
12:42AHHHHH!
12:43AHHHHH!
12:44AHHHHH!
12:45AHHHHH!
12:46AHHHHH!
12:47AHHHHH!
12:48AHHHHH!
12:49AHHHHH!
12:50AHHHHH!
12:51AHHHHH!
12:52AHHHHH!
12:53I nearly killed the whole crew!
12:55It went so much worse than I thought it was going to go.
12:58It wasn't a very sturdy structure.
13:00It's only because it went off piece.
13:03OK.
13:04Thanks, Anya.
13:12I mean, we've said it many times, crew are dispensable, right?
13:18But you both genuinely almost hurt them.
13:21Watching it back, it looks like a targeted attack.
13:25Phil screamed full-throated like a mighty bear, I thought.
13:28Oh, thank you.
13:29You?
13:30You sound exactly like a 1970s camping kettle.
13:33LAUGHTER
13:36It really took me back to childhood holiday.
13:39BUZZER
13:41BUZZER
13:43Phil's did just about cross the line.
13:46Anya's didn't cross the line at all.
13:47And don't I get points for mine looking quite flamboyant
13:50and exciting as it went down?
13:51Absolutely not.
13:52LAUGHTER
13:53OK, break time!
13:55And statistically, we will spend nearly four years of our lives
13:58watching adverts.
14:00Also, kangaroos have three vaginas.
14:03Interesting facts!
14:05LAUGHTER
14:06APPLAUSE
14:13Hello!
14:14Welcome back to Taskmaster,
14:16where the current task involves stacking bricks on a trolley
14:19and shoving it down a hill.
14:20Yes, it's absolutely safe, and almost no crew were in danger.
14:24Tallest tower past the finish line wins.
14:27Finally, then, it's the three-card trick of Maisie, Rhys and Sanjeev.
14:32Ready?
14:34Ahhhhh!
14:48CRASiP
14:50No, no, screen's finished.
14:51Ahhhhh!
14:56Ahhhhh!
14:57Ahhhhh!
14:59right he didn't have to scream while you only while looking in it oh sure if you
15:09want any builders gloves might be good to have builders gloves I've got some
15:12here for you all right well go on then this is the first time I've ever done
15:17manual labor ah you can't tell oh bollocks god's sake ah that well you're welcome to
15:31I suppose but it is a camera I'm going to choose this ah I'm going to put that down
15:40there with the apple in the side don't hurt your back okay ready here we go
16:03didn't work
16:04what's that oh I am laughing I am laughing oh right help me push it please please
16:17steady steady right right so that tells us something
16:25okay we're going up the hill we're gonna go up the hill okay here we go
16:33best of luck Sanjeev
16:40very happy with that
16:55Ah!
17:03Uh-oh.
17:08Nine bricks!
17:10Anybody want a wall-doing?
17:12Ah!
17:14AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
17:19AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
17:39You've got 30 seconds left.
17:41Oh, I love it. Yeah.
17:43Fantastic.
17:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
17:51I mean, that is a full-throated scream.
17:53The drama of the final image.
17:55I mean, it might be your proudest moment.
17:57It's a shame I have to disqualify you
17:59because so much of the flower fell off.
18:01I'm only joking.
18:03LAUGHTER
18:07You didn't keep that going for long, Greg.
18:09She was so upset. I thought she was going to...
18:11I was going to cry.
18:13Very impressive from Sanjeev, yet again,
18:16showing why he landed a role on Paddington 2.
18:19Yeah.
18:20He was just so resourceful.
18:22But what he did very cleverly was incorporate the camera
18:25that wasn't meant to necessarily be part of it.
18:27And that gave him the height. Well done, Sanjeev.
18:29Well, thank you very much.
18:30Rhys, did you enjoy yourself?
18:32No.
18:33That's funny, cos I, you know, throughout this whole series,
18:36have pointed out that you're very close to committing an atrocity.
18:39Cos you're so angry.
18:40But I thought you'd built that beautiful, ornate brick thing
18:42and it collapsed.
18:43Like a chimney, wouldn't it?
18:44Yeah.
18:45And all you said was,
18:46That tells us something.
18:47That tells us something.
18:48But, no, I did enjoy it.
18:50And it was nice to get my hands dirty.
18:54Why don't you give us some statistics?
18:56Yes.
18:57Well, we know that Anya failed,
18:58so I guess zero points for...
18:59Oh, God, zero.
19:00OK.
19:01And you'll thank me for them.
19:02Oh, is it one?
19:04No.
19:05You didn't cross the line.
19:09It's just interesting, isn't it, cos you come into this show
19:11and you believe in justice and stuff like that,
19:15and then you realise, actually, it's a dictatorship.
19:18Right, I've never said it isn't a dictatorship.
19:20Yeah, that's fine.
19:21I'll take my one point, thank you.
19:22No, zero points.
19:23OK.
19:25Reece's and Maisie's very similar.
19:27Maisie's, yours was 82 centimetres tall.
19:29Reece, yours was 77 centimetres tall.
19:31Oh.
19:32That's a shame.
19:33So, despite your building weight, you were second last, Reece.
19:35Often the way.
19:37Three points for you, Maisie, 82 centimetres.
19:39But Sanjeev was 105 centimetres.
19:42Phil, yours was one metre 36,
19:44which means that Phil gets five points.
19:46Yeah, it is!
19:49Let's see a scoreboard, please.
19:50Yes, well, first of all, I'll tell you the series scores,
19:52with one and a half episodes to go.
19:54Sanjeev, you're in last on 117, but it's tight.
19:57Reece, 1-2-1.
19:58Maisie, 1-2-3.
19:59Phil, 1-2-8.
20:00Anya, 1-2-9.
20:01Anyone can win it.
20:02Anyone can win it.
20:03Anyone can win it.
20:04Anyone can win it.
20:06And this episode, he's got maximum points so far.
20:09In the lead with ten points, it's Phil Ellis!
20:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
20:13Yep.
20:14Very good.
20:15What's next, please, with Alex?
20:17Well, jockstrap yourself in, Greg,
20:19because we're off to the changing rooms.
20:21MUSIC PLAYS
20:36What's all this?
20:41This is my jockey changing room.
20:43You'd be disqualified straight away.
20:44I wouldn't have been far too tall.
20:46Here we are.
20:48You'd make a lovely couple.
20:51Would you like him to pass it?
20:52Is it him?
20:53I'm not sure.
20:54Hmm.
20:55Make your jockey weigh almost exactly the same as Alex.
20:59If your jockey weighs more than Alex, you are disqualified.
21:03You may only get two readings from the scales.
21:06There is a bonus point for the sexiest jockey.
21:09You have ten minutes.
21:11Your time starts now.
21:13This is your jockey.
21:15Right.
21:16Those are your scales.
21:17Good luck.
21:18It's got to be sexy.
21:19Doesn't have to be sexy, but if you want the bonus point.
21:21It's got to be really sexy.
21:23There are your scales.
21:24Good luck.
21:26That counts as one, doesn't it?
21:27Because I've checked some scales and they're definitely wrong,
21:29because there's no way I'm over 14 stone.
21:31OK.
21:32APPLAUSE
21:34So, Anya's jockey is going to be super sexy,
21:39and Phil's fatter than he looks.
21:41Shall we have a look at them, then?
21:43Well, who are we going to see first?
21:45It's a great equestrian.
21:46It's...
21:47Oh.
21:48Oh, Jesus Christ.
21:49Anya, Phil and Rhys.
21:51What are these?
21:53Are these jockey things?
21:54Is this lead?
21:55Don't eat it.
21:56Oh, come on.
21:57Eat lead, kids.
21:58You'll have hair like mine.
22:04I'd like to start my characters with what the hair's like.
22:07Yeah.
22:08What hair?
22:09What are you doing up my mountain?
22:11Dyson's first.
22:12A fatter!
22:13I can do sausage!
22:14I think it's Austrian.
22:15I'm going Eastern European with this.
22:19Lovely.
22:20Pretty sexy.
22:23That's not hair, that's the eyelashes.
22:27Do you know what?
22:28Scale, please.
22:29OK.
22:30Do you mind if I feel how heavy you are?
22:32Well, you can try.
22:33Front's probably better, isn't it?
22:35I don't mind.
22:36One, two, three.
22:39Oh, Christ.
22:40Go dead weight.
22:44OK, I'm happy with that.
22:45I'm going to say you're just over 14.
22:48I'd say 14.
22:49Four.
22:50OK.
22:51Ooh.
22:52What do you mean?
22:5314 stone.
22:54Nearly 15, in a way.
22:550.9.
22:56I think that's 0.09.
22:57Oh.
22:59Well, that's not 14 stone.
23:00Got to be a lot more on this.
23:01In you go, darling.
23:02Sexy, sexy.
23:04Sexy space lady.
23:06May I hide the display?
23:08Oh, you don't want to get the reading yet?
23:09No.
23:10I can't see through the mouth.
23:12Promise?
23:13Yeah.
23:14Yeah, that's crowded.
23:15Going on.
23:22See that?
23:23I can see everything.
23:25Oh, fuck.
23:26What does it say?
23:28Two stone.
23:29Three stone.
23:30You've got three and a half minutes.
23:32That can't be three stone!
23:34Second reading.
23:35Yep.
23:36Four stone.
23:38You've got about a minute and a half.
23:40Well, I'm going to give up on accuracy.
23:42Now, will you?
23:49Oh!
23:50Beautiful lady with a long arm.
23:52Every man's dream.
23:53Stop, stop, stop.
23:59Can you help me?
24:00Put as much weight into his shorts as possible.
24:06Now, that can't be the real weight.
24:08Let's get some out.
24:09Three seconds.
24:10How long?
24:12Please leave her or him alone.
24:14OK.
24:16And then she can have some of my lipstick.
24:21Well, I think you should go and wash your hands.
24:22Yep.
24:23Don't lick them.
24:24No.
24:26Look after yourself, kids.
24:28Tough out there in the big city.
24:30Good girl.
24:31Good.
24:32Does a man become more or less sexy when his trousers are down and his pants are full of 11 stone of lead?
24:48Well, that was a miscalculation.
24:51I thought the pants would keep everything in place, but they came down.
24:54It looked like someone that would just capture themselves.
24:58Yours both were almost identical for a lot of it.
25:01Yeah.
25:02We've got a type.
25:03Yeah.
25:04It's a sexy Scandinavian sausage girl.
25:06Yeah.
25:07I think it's because we thought, we must be thinking, like, what is Greg going to find sexy?
25:11Yeah.
25:12And so it's with you in mind.
25:13Yeah, and it is.
25:14Yeah.
25:15It is a girl with pigtails and sausages.
25:16Yeah.
25:17I know.
25:18You always form a weird relationship with inanimate objects, mate.
25:23Yeah, I did get quite attached to the character.
25:26She was leaving the mountain that she grew up on to join NASA.
25:32She was off to...
25:33When you put the silver trousers on, you said, now you are future sexy.
25:36LAUGHTER
25:40Time for a break.
25:41I'm not sure who said this, but I think it's something that's relevant to this show.
25:45From such crooked wood as that which man is made of, nothing straight can be fashioned.
25:52Camp Tossa!
25:54Welcome back to the start of part three.
26:06It's Taskmaster and we're having some sexy time.
26:09Mmm.
26:10Yes.
26:11Yes, that's right.
26:12Things are pretty flippin' hot as they're trying to make a jockey weigh the same as me,
26:16with a bonus point for the sexiest jockey.
26:19Finally, then, it's Sanjeev and Maisie.
26:23Right, so sexy.
26:25You want sexy.
26:26Just one point for sexy.
26:27Yep.
26:28The main thing is...
26:29The primary concern is the weight, isn't it?
26:31OK.
26:32Right, well, first of all, that's sexy, isn't it?
26:35That's hard work, though.
26:37Feather boa, they're always sexy.
26:39I think you should go on there first.
26:40I'm going on, Sanjeev.
26:41OK.
26:42I'm on.
26:4313 stone.
26:4713.
26:48OK.
26:49Alex, could you come stand on him?
26:51What do you mean?
26:52Just stop him from wibbling over.
26:54Can I stop him from wibbling?
26:56OK.
26:57OK.
26:58Quite buckle heavy so far.
26:59Oh, sexy police officer.
27:01OK.
27:02OK.
27:03OK.
27:04OK.
27:05OK.
27:06Knee pads, sexy, because they suggest you're going to be on your knees.
27:10So, at the moment, your copy is...
27:11Yeah.
27:12..three stone, nine pounds.
27:13Now, I don't want to be disqualified on technicality, but what if I just stood with the mannequin?
27:16Does that count?
27:17Does that count?
27:18I think I'm about 12 and a bit.
27:19I think I'm about 12 and a bit.
27:20I think I'll be 15.
27:21OK.
27:22OK.
27:23OK.
27:24OK.
27:25Ooh.
27:26Knee pads, sexy, because they suggest you're going to be on your knees.
27:27So, at the moment, your copy is...
27:28Yeah.
27:29..three stone, nine pounds.
27:30Now, I don't want to be disqualified on technicality, but what if I just stood with the mannequin?
27:39Does that count?
27:40I think I'm about 12 and a bit.
27:44I think I'll be over then, because if I'm 12, 13, 14, then that'll be about 15, which will be too much.
27:50Let's see if I...
27:52Let's see.
27:53If that is...
27:58So, you're basically taking a bit of a risk here.
28:00I am taking a bit of a risk.
28:02I think Greg's always wanted to be blonde.
28:05Don't you?
28:06Does that look like me?
28:17Are you saying you've become one with a jockey?
28:19I have.
28:20We are one.
28:21You're one, are you?
28:22Yes.
28:23Fantastic.
28:24That is your time up.
28:25Great.
28:27I'm pretty turned on.
28:28I don't know about anyone else.
28:30APPLAUSE
28:35Well, let's talk this through, Sanjeev.
28:37How are we going to get away with me allowing this?
28:40You just got on the scales with the mannequin.
28:43I asked.
28:44I said, would this be breaking the rules?
28:46I said, you're taking a big risk, Sanjeev.
28:48Yes.
28:49Which is not a no.
28:51I think if you had got on the jockey, it would count.
28:54I was on his foot.
28:55If someone gets on my foot, they're on me.
28:59But if you're...
29:01I admired the lateral thinking.
29:02And if you'd have somehow hoisted yourself up that jockey...
29:05It would have been ironic as well that you were riding a jockey.
29:10See how they bloody like it.
29:12Am I right?
29:14I like it.
29:15It was very close to being allowed.
29:17It was good lateral thinking.
29:20Maisie.
29:21Well, we know how this went.
29:23There's a lot to unpack here.
29:24Just show the clip.
29:26Yeah, she definitely established it's all about the weight.
29:29The sexy thing is just a little bonus.
29:30Here we go.
29:31Yep.
29:32Just one point for sexy.
29:33Yep.
29:34The main thing is...
29:35The primary concern is the weight, isn't it?
29:37OK.
29:38Right, well, first of all, that's sexy, isn't it?
29:40LAUGHTER
29:45And from then on, it was just sex.
29:48Yep.
29:49Story of my life, that is.
29:52I thought identifying my possible vanity was a masterstroke,
29:55making him sexy by making him look like me.
29:59Unfortunately for you, I have to look at myself naked in the mirror
30:02every morning, and it is fucking rough.
30:05LAUGHTER
30:06But you're not naked in this, you're in a sexy police officer outfit.
30:11Maybe that would change things.
30:13Yeah.
30:15Shall we look at the weights first, and then you can decide on sex?
30:17Yeah, yeah, let's have a look.
30:22Two stone, £5.
30:26Five stone, £12.
30:29Seven stone, £6.
30:3516 stone, £5.
30:40Let's see, so I'm not going to say this out loud.
30:41OK.
30:44Yeah, so that's the readings.
30:46Only Sanjeev came close.
30:48Reece, I'm so sorry, you went over the top.
30:50You get zero points.
30:51That's a shame.
30:52I really thought I was under.
30:53Is he still in the running for the sexiest?
30:55Of course he is, yeah.
30:56Ah, OK.
30:57So what are we saying about Sanjeev?
30:58Any points?
31:00Yeah, I can't not give him any points,
31:02so he can come last.
31:06So we're saying Phil gets the full five points.
31:08Yes.
31:09Four for Anya, three for Maisie,
31:10one for Sanjeev?
31:11Yes, I think that's fair.
31:12One for Sanjeev, and zero for Reece.
31:14Oh, sorry, Reece.
31:15There's the points.
31:20And now it's simply who's the sexiest jockey,
31:22so here are all five for you, Greg.
31:24Take your pick.
31:25Whoa!
31:26Wow!
31:27Look at Sanjeev, sexy Maisie.
31:32I gave you a muff.
31:33That's good.
31:36The two sausage Scandinavians cancel each other out.
31:39Right.
31:40Well, between Reece and Maisie,
31:41and they've both got sexy vibes.
31:44I mean, Reece is, without wishing to be crude,
31:47looks like he'd throw you round the room.
31:49I think I'm going to give one point each.
31:53I'm going to add an extra bonus point.
31:55There's an extra sexy point.
31:56I can't deny either of them, my love.
32:00Bonus points each to Reece and Maisie.
32:02There we go.
32:03APPLAUSE
32:06Very good.
32:07What have we got now, Alex?
32:08Well, it's a proud moment, Greg,
32:10as we reveal the task-o-matic.
32:12Hello there.
32:13Nice contraption.
32:14Ooh.
32:16So, Task-o-matic.
32:19I like this.
32:20I like sort of little machines and things.
32:21Hello, there.
32:30Nice contraption.
32:32Ooh!
32:34So, Taskomatic.
32:36I like this. I like sort of little machines and things.
32:39I've got lots of them at home. Have you?
32:41Yeah. Like a whisk and stuff.
32:44Shall I open and then spin or spin and open?
32:47You don't need to open.
32:48I don't... Really?
32:50What's it going to do?
32:51What's it going to do?
33:01Wow, look at this. Oh!
33:05Oh, wow. This is so good.
33:08Can I have this?
33:12This is so strange.
33:15I can read it now.
33:28Make the most fantastic 15-second film.
33:32Featuring your face in full frame.
33:34Featuring your face in full frame.
33:36You have 15 minutes to film your fantastic 15-second full frame face film.
33:42Those 15 minutes start now.
33:46Disappointing lack of alliteration in the last sentence, I felt, but, er...
33:49But anyway.
33:50Any other need for this?
33:52No.
33:57Please be very careful.
33:58I don't know.
33:59I don't know.
34:00Is it like it's got to be a close-up of my face?
34:02Oh!
34:03And it's got to be fantastic, hasn't it?
34:04I've got an idea.
34:05I think I'm going to do...
34:07I already know what I'm doing.
34:08I'll need papamache.
34:09Will you get any?
34:10Yep.
34:11It could be a silent film.
34:13Could be a silent film.
34:14But I can't make myself black and white.
34:17Can I?
34:18Can I?
34:19But I could paint my face.
34:21Which colour?
34:22Oh, wow.
34:23Very white.
34:24Very white.
34:25Wow.
34:26I won't dwell on it too long, maybe.
34:32But I would say I'm quite a Luddite, but even I know how to make pictures on my phone black and white.
34:40I don't think you necessarily need to contemplate a hate crime.
34:44LAUGHTER
34:45All right, let's go.
34:50So, we do begin with a man of many fantastic faces, Mr Rees Shearsmith.
34:55MUSIC PLAYS
35:12APPLAUSE
35:18I can see why you're such a competent papy-a-mache man.
35:21I went back to the dawn of cinema.
35:23Voyage to the moon.
35:24Yeah.
35:25Georges Mele.
35:26What was the stuff that came out of your eye?
35:27It was icing sugar.
35:28Lovely.
35:29Yep.
35:30Can't fault it.
35:31No.
35:32It was a fantastic film and he didn't bald his face.
35:34Next.
35:35Sanjeev.
35:36OK.
35:37Yes, it's time for Sanjeev's charismatic countenance.
35:39Get ready.
35:40I'm not particularly touching my spiritual side, but I imagine there was a...
35:56there was a strong message in there.
36:11There was, yes.
36:12And what was that message?
36:14It's be nice.
36:17LAUGHTER
36:19Oh, and the floating banana...
36:22Yes.
36:23..represented...
36:24Exactly.
36:25LAUGHTER
36:27What was the stuff that was falling down before you caught the apple in your mouth?
36:30It wasn't falling down, was it? It was orange juice falling up.
36:33It was falling up.
36:34Oh, God.
36:35So deep.
36:36LAUGHTER
36:38I mean, the second fantastic one.
36:40Someone's going to let us down.
36:41Who will it be?
36:42It's time for Maisie's.
36:44LAUGHTER
36:49A long time ago, in a taskmaster house a really long way away,
36:52a leather-jacketed lady was held under the tyrannous rule of a prick
36:55with a clipboard who lived in fear of his master.
36:57One day, enough was enough, and she locked the prick in the caravan
37:00where he spontaneously combusted.
37:02The master moved to Spain.
37:03The end.
37:05APPLAUSE
37:07I think that's quite good.
37:12I mean, honestly, I've never been so disappointed so far.
37:15I just think they're all good.
37:16Oh, good.
37:17And I've gelled my hair back and it's stuck like that for three days.
37:20LAUGHTER
37:21I mean, it just looked great.
37:23I like the story.
37:24I mean, this is an awful thing to say, but I hope one of the last two is shit.
37:28LAUGHTER
37:29OK, we must stop once more.
37:31A chance for Alex to pop to the bathroom and time his movement.
37:36APPLAUSE
37:46Hello, and welcome back to the final part of the show,
37:49where we're watching some fantastic 15-second films involving faces in full frame.
37:55Two to go.
37:56First up, have a look at Anya's vivacious visage.
38:03Greg.
38:06Your task is to die.
38:08Your time starts now.
38:13Trigger.
38:15Good boy.
38:16Let's go.
38:19He works for me now.
38:20APPLAUSE
38:22What a narrative. I've replaced Alex for the horse.
38:31Yeah, so he was trying to kill you, he was trying to rebel,
38:35but the horse actually worked for you,
38:37and then the horse replaces him for the rest of the series,
38:40as the tusk, whatever his role is.
38:42Patsy.
38:43Yeah.
38:45Honestly, this is like, for me, it's awful.
38:47They're just all good.
38:50Who's left?
38:51There's only one left.
38:52Really good.
38:53It is Phil Ellis left.
38:54Oh, God, I mean, Phil...
38:55Phil's bound to have fucked this up.
38:58Fingers crossed.
38:59Finally, it's Phil's fantastically flexible face.
39:02LAUGHTER
39:03LAUGHTER
39:04LAUGHTER
39:05LAUGHTER
39:10MUSIC PLAYS
39:11MUSIC PLAYS
39:22APPLAUSE
39:24Interesting.
39:30Phil has not done one thing on this show in nine episodes
39:34that hasn't ended with a cheesy wink to...
39:38You know, well done, Phil.
39:39I thought you would let us down, but it's great.
39:42But what's the narrative?
39:43I'm fascinated.
39:44Is there a narrative?
39:45I've got...
39:46I thought...
39:47Of course there is.
39:48It's, erm...
39:49It's...
39:50It's about parenthood and...
39:51LAUGHTER
39:52How are you?
39:53Having to let your children just...
39:54At some point, you could just go and let them go, haven't you?
39:56Out of your mouth.
39:57Yeah.
39:58I mean, I'm not a father, but...
40:00LAUGHTER
40:01Thank God.
40:03LAUGHTER
40:04Look, I hate doing this, I'll be honest with you,
40:06cos I like to victimise someone, but...
40:08I could say something positive about all of them,
40:11so I'm going to give everyone five points.
40:13APPLAUSE
40:14LAUGHTER
40:15APPLAUSE
40:16OK, everyone, will you make your way to the stage
40:17for the final task of the show?
40:18APPLAUSE
40:19APPLAUSE
40:20OK, everyone, will you make your way to the stage
40:21for the final task of the show?
40:22APPLAUSE
40:31My dear man...
40:33You're my guy.
40:34Who will read the task for us?
40:36Phil!
40:37Allow me.
40:38OK.
40:39Become the person the taskmaster shouts.
40:43You will have one minute to draw yourself a new bottom
40:46of your face and body.
40:48Also, you must bob up and down throughout your attempt.
40:51LAUGHTER
40:52Worst new person each round is eliminated.
40:55Yeah.
40:56So, you've each got a card,
40:58and you've got a little space for your nose.
41:00You need to draw the bottom of your face,
41:02and then give yourself a body beneath your face.
41:05Ready?
41:06Here we go.
41:07Henry VIII on a horse!
41:09Go!
41:10OK.
41:11We're looking for Henry VIII on...
41:12Please, Bob.
41:13Please, Bob.
41:14Keep bobbing, Sanji.
41:18Phil is on a child's trampoline.
41:21LAUGHTER
41:22Lovely rhythm at the end, isn't there?
41:23Lovely rhythm.
41:26Pen's down! Pen's down, Maisie Abou.
41:29Oh, rhythm is a dancer.
41:31LAUGHTER
41:32I hereby instruct you to become Henry VIII on a horse.
41:37LAUGHTER
41:40APPLAUSE
41:42They're all good.
41:45But which one's the worst, Greg?
41:48Well, I'm afraid...
41:49Er...
41:50LAUGHTER
41:52I'm afraid it's Phil.
41:54That man is not sitting on a horse.
41:56LAUGHTER
41:57I mean, if I'm honest,
41:59it looks like Henry VIII has shot himself.
42:02LAUGHTER
42:03We have lost Phil Ellis.
42:05Phil, you're out. I'm sorry, Phil.
42:06APPLAUSE
42:07OK.
42:08Round one done. There are four left.
42:10Here we go.
42:11A supermodel skiing!
42:13Go!
42:14A supermodel skiing.
42:16Please, Bob.
42:17Bobbing at the end, please.
42:19Maisie, bobbing.
42:21Maisie, bobbing.
42:22Stop!
42:23OK.
42:24A supermodel.
42:25Oh!
42:26LAUGHTER
42:27Wow!
42:28APPLAUSE
42:29They're pretty good.
42:30Yeah.
42:31Thanks!
42:32Can I have that after?
42:33LAUGHTER
42:34Maisie's will be censored for the children's edition of the show.
42:48Why?
42:49Because I can see her tits.
42:51LAUGHTER
42:52First time he's ever said tits.
42:55It's between Maisie and...
42:58How sexist.
42:59Sanjeev.
43:01Racist.
43:02LAUGHTER
43:05She's got big boobs, but I'm sort of a bit worried about her legs.
43:09LAUGHTER
43:10Her legs are attached to her breasts.
43:12LAUGHTER
43:13And that's why she gets the work.
43:15LAUGHTER
43:17I'm really worried anatomically about Maisie's,
43:20so I will kick Maisie's big boobs.
43:23We've lost Maisie Adam.
43:24There we go.
43:25Thank you, Maisie.
43:26APPLAUSE
43:27That's why it is.
43:29Elvis on an escalator.
43:31Go!
43:32Ooh!
43:33Bobbing!
43:35LAUGHTER
43:39It's got focused bobbing now, isn't it?
43:40It is.
43:41Ironically, in this bit, we've had a little less conversation.
43:44LAUGHTER
43:49And that's your time up!
43:51That's your time up!
43:52That's a week.
43:53OK, let's see Elvis on an escalator.
43:55Here they go.
43:56We have our first landscape over here.
43:58APPLAUSE
44:02I mean, the best Elvis is Sandeep, I would say.
44:04He's got the handsome lopsided smile on Reece's.
44:08And...
44:09And I think I sum up what everyone's thinking.
44:12Anya has not drawn Elvis.
44:14LAUGHTER
44:15LAUGHTER
44:16I'm young.
44:18LAUGHTER
44:19I had to put in what I know, which is about escalators.
44:22LAUGHTER
44:23So I went for Baker Street.
44:25Sit down, Anya.
44:26LAUGHTER
44:27APPLAUSE
44:28All righty.
44:29It's the final.
44:30It's the big one.
44:31Here we go.
44:32You ready?
44:33A mermaid making a mistake!
44:36Ooh!
44:37Bit of licence here for the bobbers.
44:39Good face from Reece.
44:42LAUGHTER
44:43Greg, can you imagine Sanjeev drawing and not bobbing?
44:48LAUGHTER
44:49I just think Sanjeev's bob has become more graceful as it's gone on.
44:54Pins down, please.
44:55Pins down.
44:56APPLAUSE
44:57This is it, Greg?
44:58What mistakes will our mermaids have made?
45:00Hopefully they're legal.
45:01LAUGHTER
45:02Let's see.
45:03Oh, my God!
45:04Sorry, my tits were too much.
45:05LAUGHTER
45:06It's a mermaid, it's different.
45:07LAUGHTER
45:08Your mermaid's fingering a fish.
45:09LAUGHTER
45:10LAUGHTER
45:11Sorry, my tits were too much.
45:13LAUGHTER
45:14It's a mermaid, it's different.
45:16LAUGHTER
45:17Your mermaid's fingering a fish.
45:18LAUGHTER
45:19LAUGHTER
45:20LAUGHTER
45:21LAUGHTER
45:22LAUGHTER
45:23It's meant to be that she's eating a fish, well, not on a fork.
45:35Oh, OK.
45:36Which would be terrible, wouldn't it, for a mermaid?
45:38Oh, that's a fork.
45:39You wouldn't eat your friends, would you?
45:40No.
45:41So it's a mistake.
45:42Sanjeev's mermaid, who appears to have a Father Christmas beard.
45:47LAUGHTER
45:48As Mr Bus?
45:50It's trying to catch a bus.
45:52LAUGHTER
45:53What's the mistake?
45:54Why is that mistake?
45:55It might be the bus to the sea.
45:57LAUGHTER
45:58What...
45:59What is wrong with you?
46:00LAUGHTER
46:01Mermaid wouldn't be on land catching a bus.
46:04LAUGHTER
46:05The man makes a good point.
46:06Yeah.
46:07I mean, I do think probably the superior mermaid picture is the cannibal mermaid.
46:14There we go.
46:15Five points to Rhys Shearser.
46:16APPLAUSE
46:17Please come down.
46:18We'll add that to the final score.
46:20APPLAUSE
46:29What a lovely, creative group of people we've got.
46:32So, the winner of the task, with some fantastic arc, Rhys Shearsmith.
46:36Five points.
46:37Really good.
46:38APPLAUSE
46:39They all do well.
46:40They all do well.
46:41It's been a very close episode.
46:42Until you get to the top of the table, where you've got Phil on 21 points.
46:46He's won the show!
46:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:49Give me an L.S. Wins.
46:51Please go and inspect your respective prizes.
46:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:56MUSIC PLAYS
46:57MUSIC PLAYS
47:01MUSIC PLAYS
47:03MUSIC PLAYS
47:05MUSIC PLAYS
47:06MUSIC PLAYS
47:07MUSIC PLAYS
47:09MUSIC PLAYS
47:11MUSIC PLAYS
47:13MUSIC PLAYS
47:14MUSIC PLAYS
47:15MUSIC PLAYS
47:16MUSIC PLAYS
47:18MUSIC PLAYS
47:20MUSIC FADES
47:21MUSIC CONTINUES
47:23MUSIC FADES
47:24MUSIC CONTINUES
47:25MUSIC FADES
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