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Taskmaster (UK) S19 E08 2025
Taskmaster (UK) S19 E09 >>> https://dai.ly/x9makg6
Taskmaster (UK) S19 E09 >>> https://dai.ly/x9makg6
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00:00This was a mistake!
00:04Shut up!
00:05Button?
00:14You're mad.
00:16Wow.
00:30APPLAUSE
00:34Hello!
00:36Welcome to Taskmaster, as they call it in Wales.
00:39All right, boys, how's it going?
00:41Dear, it's called at the moment, isn't it?
00:43Ooh, I've had to wear my big court, fair play.
00:45It is called mine, didn't it?
00:47Hey, do you know my brother?
00:49He looks like my brother, he doesn't!
00:51The competition is really hurtling towards a conclusion,
00:55so please welcome the Warriors, holding on for dear life.
00:58They are...
01:14And next to me, a man who says that women
01:17should be like the landmark Shard Building in London.
01:20They should look attractive, remain silent
01:23and have a glass ceiling firmly in place.
01:26LAUGHTER
01:30Don't shoot the messenger!
01:32Shoot...
01:33Little Alex Hall!
01:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
01:37What's an opinion?
01:38Hello, Greg.
01:39Hello, mate.
01:40Hello.
01:41I've just got to do some admin before we start, I'm so sorry.
01:43But today, for the viewers at home
01:45and people watching at the big screen in Trafalgar Square,
01:48here is your bingo code.
01:50So just scan that now.
01:52One of you could be a lucky winner.
01:54And, um...
01:55Greg, if you wouldn't mind, we'll just do a quick selfie.
01:59Is that all right?
02:00It's just my...
02:01One of my mum's friends really fancies you, so...
02:03LAUGHTER
02:04One of your mum's friends?
02:06LAUGHTER
02:08Thank you to smile.
02:10Actually, it's a video.
02:11Actually, it's for Jennifer, really.
02:13Just...
02:14Hello, Jennifer.
02:15Lovely, yeah.
02:16I understand you fancy me.
02:17LAUGHTER
02:18Well, strap yourself in.
02:20LAUGHTER
02:21Thanks, Greg. She'll love that, honestly.
02:23Right.
02:24Let's have the price tag category, please, Alex.
02:26You sure can, Greg.
02:27This time you've asked them to bring in the best object
02:29that you've borrowed from a fairly close friend.
02:32Hmm.
02:33It's down to you to judge the best borrowed object
02:35and the winner of the whole episode will sort of own
02:37five things that actually belong to other people
02:39that are sort of friends of the cast.
02:40Done.
02:42Stevie, what have you borrowed?
02:43So, um, I went to a wedding,
02:46and it was one of my very close friends,
02:49and she really liked Lord of the Rings, but her partner doesn't.
02:52And so it was a compromise.
02:53She put, like, a secret bit on her website,
02:56and it said if you wanted to get dressed up
02:58as a Lord of the Rings character for the party bit,
03:00then you could.
03:01So I borrowed loads of things,
03:03one of which was this sword, a foam sword.
03:05Here it is.
03:06Um, four people in the entire wedding
03:08had just put some little cloaks on,
03:10and I went as the Witch King of Angmar,
03:12um, the Lord of Naz...
03:14APPLAUSE
03:18Is that the bride there, Stevie?
03:19That's the bride.
03:20I mean, I looked at that and I thought,
03:22God, you look different without make-up on.
03:24LAUGHTER
03:25And then I realised you were the Witch King of Angmar.
03:28LAUGHTER
03:29Well done.
03:31This is...
03:32Might be your best thing so far.
03:33Yes!
03:34Three points.
03:35LAUGHTER
03:36Oh, I...
03:37I don't see it going past three, for sure.
03:39LAUGHTER
03:40Matthew.
03:41Well, for me, it was a case of, er,
03:44Jim Howick's two-man kayak.
03:46And here it is.
03:47LAUGHTER
03:48So I remembered he had this,
03:50and I thought that would be a pretty significant thing
03:54to have borrowed from a fairly close friend.
03:56Yeah.
03:57So I managed to persuade him that I needed to borrow it
04:01to let my kids go kayaking.
04:03Why didn't you just tell him you were borrowed for this?
04:06Well, why did you have to tell this ridiculous life?
04:09Is that an option?
04:10LAUGHTER
04:12That wouldn't be funny!
04:14LAUGHTER
04:16How would that be funny?
04:18Fatia, can you beat a kayak?
04:20Yeah, I can.
04:21You know when you're struggling in life, yeah,
04:23and things are hard, and then everything,
04:25every part of your life starts to suffer.
04:27So there was a point in my life where I was struggling,
04:30with Faith particularly,
04:31and then there was a girl that I was working with,
04:34and she gave me a prayer mat.
04:37And here it is, on Taskmaster.
04:38There it is.
04:39Aw. Nice.
04:40And every time I struggle in something,
04:42I always look at this and remember, like,
04:44the hope at the end of it.
04:45So I'm grateful, and, um, yeah, that was it,
04:48and, um, good luck making that funny.
04:50LAUGHTER
04:52APPLAUSE
04:54There are not many people, I would argue,
04:58on television globally, in my position,
05:01who would have the sheer audacity
05:03to put a rubber sword above an Islamic prayer.
05:08LAUGHTER
05:13I've got to say, it feels like quite the test.
05:15LAUGHTER
05:16It's a really lovely story and a lovely object.
05:19Rosie.
05:21So, I... It's lovely. Really lovely.
05:23And I'm so glad it brings you so much joy.
05:27Erm, I brought in, erm, a pelvic floor exerciser.
05:30LAUGHTER
05:32APPLAUSE
05:34APPLAUSE
05:40Sorry, somebody wants that back.
05:42LAUGHTER
05:44You...
05:45..borrowed it?
05:46LAUGHTER
05:47I did, yeah.
05:48Who did you borrow it from?
05:49My fairly close sister.
05:51LAUGHTER
05:52She'd have lied.
05:53She's being honest, which is good.
05:54I know, yeah, no, but I...
05:55We've got the same juice.
05:56LAUGHTER
05:57LAUGHTER
05:58Everyone's got their hands on their face.
06:00Everyone's got their hands on their face.
06:02Everyone.
06:03Like, I washed it in that, obviously.
06:04Obviously!
06:05She'll pop back to the prayer mat for a bit, or...?
06:06LAUGHTER
06:07One more, there's one more break.
06:08Oh, God, this is awful.
06:09I dread to think what you've brought in.
06:10LAUGHTER
06:11So, the best thing to borrow from a close friend,
06:12or a semi-close friend...
06:13Mm-hm.
06:14..is, for me, a prize that has previously been awarded five points
06:17in the prize task category.
06:18Let's see it.
06:19That's nice.
06:20He borrowed this...
06:21..from Fatia.
06:22You wank up!
06:23LAUGHTER
06:24LAUGHTER
06:37This is the Taskmaster pop-up book that Matthew brought,
06:43and Fatia won, and I asked to look at it, and she said,
06:46yeah, go ahead, borrow it, take it as long as you want.
06:49This was 45 minutes ago.
06:51As long as you want. This was 45 minutes ago.
06:54LAUGHTER
06:57So, and you gave it five points last time, so give me them points, baby.
07:01OK, that's everything.
07:03I don't know... No.
07:05..whether you should be borrowing a device for your vagina.
07:12So, one point. One point to Rose.
07:14Two points to Matthew's thing. Two to the kayak. Got it.
07:17Kayaks are boring.
07:19You gave three points to Jason.
07:21How dare you!
07:22Stevie wouldn't be getting four points just for the sword
07:26if I hadn't seen that picture of her in that outfit next to a bride.
07:30And five points for Fatih because, you know, of course,
07:34it was a genuinely touching story and I'm thrilled that it's so important to you.
07:37Five points to Fatih O'Ghori!
07:43Let's start the tasks popper.
07:45Yes, and we're going to see them doing their best to impress
07:48in the garden, first of all.
08:03Hello.
08:04Hi, Alex.
08:05Hi, Jason.
08:06Hello, Alex.
08:07Lovely to see you.
08:08Lovely to see you.
08:09We were just speaking inside.
08:10Hello.
08:11What's cooking?
08:12Good looking?
08:13Oh, really?
08:14I went on a school trip bowling and it went really badly.
08:20Knock over all ten skittles in ten minutes.
08:24In America, skittles are a candy.
08:26Ah, what are these?
08:28Bowling pins.
08:29The final skittle should fall exactly when the whistle sounds.
08:33If any skittle is left standing after ten minutes, you have failed.
08:39You must stay behind the rope at all times.
08:42Closest to ten minutes wins.
08:44Your time starts now.
08:47No.
08:48I mean, it's pointless asking.
08:49There's not a bowling ball that you've got there, is there?
08:51You could do whatever you want behind that rope.
09:01You alluded to a terrible bowling trip there.
09:03Yes.
09:04Do you want to talk about it?
09:05Not really.
09:06I got bullied at school and that's where it started.
09:09So...
09:11It's not...
09:13You ass!
09:14It's not funny!
09:15Put the prayer mat up.
09:18Come on, let's bounce.
09:19Let's bounce.
09:20OK, well, first up, and I hope they do really, really well at this one,
09:23it's Jason, Matt and Stevie's attempts.
09:27I'm going to smash this because I, erm,
09:30went on a bowling trip with school and, er, came last
09:34and it was the pinnacle of the bullying experience
09:38and I, no-one sat with me on the bus home.
09:40So sorry to trigger you.
09:41So I just need to clear them all but one for now.
09:46That won't do it.
09:54Pretty great, right?
09:55Pretty good.
09:56You want the last one going down in nine minutes' time.
10:03Three.
10:04Sorry about the pot.
10:06Not bad.
10:07OK.
10:13I care nothing for your cameras!
10:18Yeah, you've done one.
10:19Look out.
10:24Hey!
10:25One minute five.
10:26Ooh!
10:27Watch out!
10:40Yes!
10:41What's the time?
10:5450 seconds.
10:55OK.
10:56You okay, I think I'm over the line 12 seconds left three skittles still they need to all go down
11:26Five now come on what I
11:37Mean that was
11:39Hmm. I'm really sorry. I'm just upset. I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry. I'm sorry. It must have been an easier way Matthew
11:56Oh
12:00Jason
12:07What the hell is going on
12:13Rubbish rubbish rubbish all round what's next it was a shame. Well next up. I'm just gonna shut up and press play
12:26Oh
12:31Shall we yes
12:33Fail the next task in the most heartbreakingly spectacular way
12:39I'm really sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is so stupid. I'm sorry. Stevie
12:43If you succeed in the next task you will lose one point so the next task yeah, are you gonna succeed?
12:52Yeah, how no feeling good
12:56Oh
12:58After this you're gonna go out there turn left and do a task how long two seconds you need to fail that task
13:04If you succeed in the next task you will lose one point
13:10Huh, let's do it. Come on. Where are we going? We're going out there
13:15Hi, Jason. Hello Alex. Lovely to see you. Lovely to see you. We were just speaking inside. What were we?
13:23Yeah, just like mere moments ago
13:31Well, thank God
13:33So that means that was a fake fall you did a planned fall. It was real. Let me be let me be clear. I fell hard
13:43Jason also chose violence for the 12th time in the series
13:47Violence against myself
13:49And the camera man when you threw a
13:51Oh, yeah, I don't think of them as people
13:53Oh
13:55Oh
13:57I'd love it if you were out of focus for the rest of the effort
14:01I
14:03I
14:05Genuinely thought that was your actual attempt
14:07Because you've been so close to some sort of collapse mentally. I thought yeah, I mean he's nearly there now
14:13Yeah, I mean he's nearly there now
14:15Oh, God, thank God
14:17It was quite harrowing
14:19It's all right
14:21I felt very hot and sweaty and embarrassed watching that clip
14:23The total light? I got bullied but not that badly and not at bowling
14:29Wow, great. So they all did well, weren't they, so far?
14:31It's most heartbreakingly spectacular and they all came down right to the end
14:35So these two missed the final one at the last second and 20 seconds before the end, Jason fell
14:41Okay, break time power nap or power crap? That's up to you my friends, but whatever you do, please don't do both at the same time
14:48That's a nice sofa
14:50See you in a minute
15:02Hello, welcome back to part two of Taskmaster
15:05There have been some unintentionally glorious failures on this show over the years
15:10And now they're trying their best to fail on purpose
15:14Yeah, boy, this is some next level stuff
15:17Wow, isn't it?
15:19The task they need to fail is to knock over ten skittles in ten minutes
15:23If they succeed at the task, they will lose one point
15:26Now for the final two heartbreakingly spectacular contestants, it's Rosie and Fatia
15:31What do I use?
15:36What would you normally use?
15:38Are you looking for anything in particular?
15:40Yeah, I'm looking for some balls
15:42These aren't really that heavy
15:47Ooh, yes, come on
15:51Are you ready?
15:52I'm ready
15:53I'll get one, I'll get one
15:58Oh
16:00That's a good strategy, right?
16:03They've all got to go down
16:04I know, I'm trying, I'm trying
16:06In the next five minutes
16:07Watch out, everyone
16:08Okay
16:09Yes, yes, come on
16:13Maybe if I throw it
16:14Maybe
16:15Maybe
16:16Hold on
16:21Yes
16:22Two left
16:23You don't want to knock them all down
16:24Right
16:29Oh
16:32The last one's going to fall at exactly ten minutes
16:36Wow
16:37I'm coming
16:38Okay, you need to get them all down
16:45You haven't knocked any down
16:46How do you feel?
16:47Terrible
16:48I'm the best throw-er in my borough
16:51And now look
16:52Yeah
17:00Congratulations, you've knocked over all ten
17:02And there's just two and a half minutes left
17:04Yeah
17:05Yeah
17:06Yeah
17:08Just, erm, check the wording of the task
17:13Fail the next task in the most...
17:14Oh, heartbreakingly spectacular
17:16Sorry, I thought it was just shit
17:20And you didn't fail
17:22No, I know
17:23I didn't really understand
17:24And he talked to me for ages about it
17:26And I just... I nodded, didn't I?
17:27Yeah
17:28And I was like, yeah
17:29And I went, I didn't have a clue
17:30So what does that mean?
17:31Rosie gets to me
17:32So what does that mean?
17:33Rosie gets...
17:34Well, it means it's mad that she's in second place in the series
17:36But, erm...
17:40She has to get minus one point
17:42That's it
17:43You have to go down a point in the series
17:44I'm sorry
17:45What?
17:46Oh, you don't understand
17:47You have to lose a point
17:48I lose a point?
17:49So, all we know is that Rosie definitely gets minus one point
17:52Because she succeeded in the task
17:53The rest all failed
17:54So it's up to you
17:55Who was the most heartbreakingly spectacular?
17:56Fatia
17:57Do you think that was heartbreaking or spectacular?
17:59I think it was bloody spectacular
18:02Well, I'm here to tell you
18:03It was neither of them
18:05You're so cruel, but it just makes me want you more
18:11Exactly my tactic, my friend
18:13OK, two to Fatia
18:15OK, Matthews was generally quite heartbreaking
18:18Because it was, er...
18:19You know, part of his ongoing breakdown
18:21Right
18:22But I think we have to reward Jason's incredible stunt at the end
18:27OK
18:28Spectacular
18:29Three to Matthews, four to Jason
18:30Yeah, and then...
18:31No!
18:32Obviously
18:33Yeah
18:34I mean, I genuinely believed you were bullied
18:36Oh, I was, but not that bad
18:38But not that bad
18:39So it's all cool
18:40Five points
18:41Five points to you, Martin
18:45Hey, what's the scores?
18:46After two tasks, Rosie's got zero points
18:48At the other end of the table
18:49We've got Stevie Martin on nine points
18:55Right, another one now
18:56Yes, please
18:57Well, it's an arty team task next
18:59That's got them all in a spin
19:13You go first this time
19:14Oh, thank you
19:15Thank you
19:16Hello, team
19:17Hello
19:18Please stand on a spot
19:19Yep
19:21Good luck
19:23JB Razzucas!
19:24JB Razzucas!
19:25Each person must write down three words to describe a memorable scene
19:31You must be silent throughout
19:34And your teammate must not see what you have written
19:38You have one minute
19:40Your time starts
19:41Now
19:42Three words
19:43Memorable scene
19:44On that card, please
19:45A memorable scene
19:47Like a scene in a film
19:49Just a memorable scene
19:50That's all the information
19:51That's all the information
19:56Okay, I'm just going to collect in those cards
20:04And that's for you
20:05Aww
20:06That's the second part of the task
20:08Okay
20:09Okay, here we go
20:10Paint your memorable scene
20:12So that your teammate can guess your three words
20:15You must not give any clues about your own three-word scene
20:19Except by painting the scene
20:21You must not write any words
20:23Fastest wins
20:24Your time starts when the turntable turns
20:30Turn the turntable
20:38What?
20:39Are you joking?
20:40Have we got to do it?
20:41Are you kidding me?
20:42Are you kidding me?
20:44Are you kidding me?
20:49Your nickname is not going to catch on
20:51Yes it is
20:52Yes it is
20:53It makes you both less memorable
20:54What?
20:55What is it?
20:56JV Marzoukas
20:57JV Marzoukas
20:58We should get a point for having a team name and team spirit
21:00Yeah
21:01And we've lost every team task so far
21:04You have been bad
21:06Good
21:07Good
21:08Let's spin the canvases, man
21:10Will do
21:11I suppose we might as well start with a team of two
21:14Jason and...
21:16JV Marzoukas
21:17Better known as...
21:18JV Marzoukas
21:19Thank you
21:20Yes
21:21Turn the turntable
21:26Okay
21:27Oh
21:28Oh I see
21:29Okay
21:32Don't guess yet
21:37Rabbit
21:38That is one of the words
21:39Okay
21:40Oh Dan
21:41Okay
21:42I'm bad at this
21:43Now it just looks like boobs
21:46It looks like boobs but it's not boobs
21:47I won't guess boobs
21:48Yeah
21:49Wait, guess, guess, guess
21:50Based on medicine
21:51Oh sorry
21:52Poison, skull and crossbones
21:53Pirate
21:54Medicine
21:55Um...
22:00Woman?
22:01Uh...
22:02Graveyard
22:03Oh son of a bitch
22:04Yeah
22:05Like what more can I possibly do than what I've done?
22:08Mountain's dead
22:09Dead is right
22:13Car
22:14Yes
22:15You've got all Stevie
22:16She's got none of yours
22:17None of mine?
22:18Oh what is it?
22:19Oh it's a lip
22:20It's a car
22:21It's a boat
22:22But...
22:23Smiling
22:24Sad face
22:25Oh love
22:26Kissing, kissing
22:27Kiss
22:28Kiss is correct
22:29Okay
22:30Right, memorable scene with kissing
22:31Boobs kissing
22:32It doesn't feel like you're doing anything
22:33Turn them around and start again
22:34Maybe
22:35Yeah, great
22:36That's a great idea
22:37I'm gonna do that
22:38Okay
22:39So we're starting again
22:40Right
22:41Here it comes
22:42Oh baby
22:43Babies kissing
22:45It would be memorable
22:47Oh
22:48Oh
22:49I...
22:50Slap
22:51Yes
22:52Correct
22:53One to go
22:54Kiss
22:55Slap
22:56Look
22:57Um
22:58What is that?
23:00Glare
23:01Glower
23:02Yes
23:03Yes
23:04Please
23:05Look
23:06Glance
23:07Glance
23:08Glance is right
23:09I've stopped the clock
23:10You went from glower to glimpse to glance
23:11Finally
23:12I got glance from that
23:13That's incredible
23:18Can I just say something
23:19Because before we did it
23:20When we wrote the words
23:21Jason went
23:22Just so you know
23:23When we're writing these words
23:24We're probably gonna have to paint them
23:25And then he wrote
23:26Glance
23:30This was a real low point for JV Martzoukas
23:32Because I felt particularly bad for Stevie
23:35Because I am dog shit at every element of this
23:38What?
23:39This is gonna come as a surprise
23:41I'm willing to say
23:42I'm not good at art
23:44And this, ladies and gentlemen, marks the first time that Jason has admitted that he's bad at anything
23:51Yeah
23:52Unless it's boobs, which I can draw when I'm trying to draw anything
23:55It comes out looking like boobs
23:58Thank you for saluting me
24:00This might be your journey to becoming British, you know, a bit of self-doubt
24:04Oh, Daddy
24:05Oh, God
24:06OK, advert time
24:09In a troubled world, what better moment to take the hand of that special person in your life and tell them that you love them
24:16Do you want me to get the belt again?
24:21I'm so sorry, I thought you wanted me to... No?
24:24We'll see you in a minute
24:25I'm so sorry
24:26APPLAUSE
24:38Here we are
24:39It's the start of the second half of the show
24:41There's a team task which needs closure
24:43So the task involves each contestant painting a memorable scene on their canvas
24:47Which can be described in three words
24:49And they then have to guess what each other three words are from their paintings
24:53Fatia, Matthew and Rosie are all in one team
24:56So this won't be straightforward
24:58Oh, for God's sake
25:00Right, that's yours then
25:02Right, this is mine
25:06Oh, sugar
25:08Do you know what?
25:09I like this, yeah, because I used to do art
25:11So I'm going to smash this right up
25:13Guess what the others are
25:16Lightning
25:17No
25:18Storm
25:19That is one of the worst
25:21Is yours Jaws?
25:22Not Jaws
25:23It's three words
25:24Captain Phillips?
25:25No, no, it's three words
25:26Is it love?
25:27Love is one of the words, correct
25:28Love
25:29Are we guessing the film?
25:30Ocean
25:31No, you're just getting the three words
25:32Oh, just words
25:34Giraffe?
25:35No
25:40Is it drowning?
25:41Correct
25:42We're looking for six more words
25:43Wow, you've added details
25:46Is it a sex scene?
25:47Romeo and Juliet
25:49Is it from Titanic?
25:50Is it?
25:51Weirdly, the Titanic was what was in my mind for this
25:54Can I tell him?
25:55Definitely not
25:56No
25:57That would give it away
25:58Quickly draw some things that you might guess the words
26:00Well, I think you should have done that a while ago
26:02Oh
26:04French women
26:06French is correct
26:07Oh, yeah
26:08I can't give any clues, can I?
26:09No, you can by painting
26:12Life drawing
26:13Posing
26:14Figurative
26:15Masturbating
26:17Touching yourself
26:18Are you giving me a clue?
26:19Seduction
26:20No, am I?
26:21Yes, seduction
26:22Seductive
26:23Dragage
26:24Yeah, let's try it
26:25So
26:26What could your word do?
26:27Mine is so easy
26:28Where are they?
26:29Restaurant
26:30Cafe
26:31Cafe is right
26:32Yes
26:33Is it then
26:34What's the film?
26:35It's the film
26:36She's Harry and Sally
26:37Correct
26:38Yay
26:39High five bra
26:40We've got
26:41Harry, Sally, Cafe
26:42Storm, Love, Drowning
26:43And French
26:44Yeah
26:45Sexy
26:46Sexy is correct
26:47Okay, now, my last word
26:49How the
26:50How do you draw this?
26:51What's the film?
26:52Titanic
26:53And what's the scene?
26:54The scene where he paints her naked
26:55Using?
26:56Using
26:57Paint
26:58Pencil
26:59Crayons
27:01Charcoal
27:02Correct
27:03Is it?
27:04Off the turntable
27:05I'm so sorry
27:06I'm so sorry
27:07I'm so sorry
27:08I remember the bit where he drowns more
27:15Well Rosie
27:16I put it to you
27:17That for the vast majority of that task
27:19You didn't understand it
27:20No
27:21No, I didn't
27:22What's absolutely fascinating is even when you understood it
27:25You chose to depict the scene where Kate Winslet gets painted
27:30With the words sexy French charcoal
27:35She says draw me like one of those French girls
27:38It's just such a strange combination
27:40I don't know where these things come from in my brain
27:42And when Rosie was arguably cheating by simply playing charades
27:47Matthew's guess was figurative masturbation
27:51And then Fatia stepped in and went what touching yourself
27:56I mean
27:58It's just madness
28:00Let's hear the timings first
28:02Yeah total timings
28:03I mean arguably the team of three had a harder job because they had three to get rather than two
28:07But they were substantially slower
28:09Six minutes ten for the team of two
28:11Twelve minutes sixteen for the team of three
28:13So I suppose three minutes per painting or four minutes per painting
28:16The team of two definitely won it so they get five points I think
28:19Five points for Stevie and Jason
28:20Well done
28:29So how many points for the team of three?
28:31Yes I'm going to give them three points
28:33Because you know there was some creativity going on there
28:35A bit of cheating
28:36They took twice as long
28:37Three seems fair
28:38The team of three get three
28:39The team of two get five
28:40There you go
28:43I would like another task right away
28:45Yes
28:46Right here we go
28:47Oh sorry
28:48Can you go off a bit
28:49That's it
28:50Go back a bit
28:51Back a bit
28:52Back a bit more
28:53That's it
28:54Stop
28:55Sorry not that go
28:56Go back again
28:57Okay yeah
28:58From there please
28:59Good
29:00Right here's the next task
29:15I came in with a bang
29:17Jason
29:19Lots of props
29:21Lots of props
29:27Obey the autocue
29:29Okay
29:30The most authoritative delivery with the fewest mistakes wins
29:36Oh
29:37Your time starts when the autocue starts
29:41Have you used autocue before?
29:43No
29:44APPLAUSE
29:49Rosie I forget that you're a mother
29:51You've got two children right?
29:52Yeah
29:53And every now and again you just get a brief insight into it
29:56And the way that you arrived at this task and assessed it
29:59It looked like a mum going into a kid's room and going look at the state of this bedroom
30:03Can you just show the clip?
30:04I know the bit
30:05It's this bit
30:06LAUGHTER
30:07Who's first?
30:08Yes it's time to try out our first three young science presenters
30:18Jason, Matt and Rosie
30:20Commence the autocue
30:22Oh hello folks my name is scientist Dr Rosie slash Ramsey
30:28Dr Jackson Mickey
30:32My name is Dr Darkstuff
30:35And I'd like to welcome you all to Science Today Today
30:39Science Today
30:43Science Today
30:44Science Today
30:45What's going to happen?
30:46And science all your life
30:48Get fucking buckled in
30:51Science Today
30:53Here we go
30:54So what's on today's Science Today show?
30:59We're going to do two scientific demonstrations and I guarantee
31:02They'll both blow your mind
31:06Let me think
31:08Which two experiments should we do today on Science Today?
31:12Okay we will do
31:14One
31:15One
31:16And three
31:17Number one and number three
31:18Oh yes
31:19So that means you'll see me do the
31:22Bounce experiment
31:23Boing
31:25This ball is so bouncy
31:30That every time you drop it and that's drop not throw
31:33It bounces up to a much higher place than where it started
31:36I know
31:37Matt watch this
31:42Failure
31:43This fantastical orb has a tiny track out inside
31:46Which means it always returns to exactly where it was thrown from
31:50Don't believe me?
31:51You will soon
32:01Ta-da!
32:02Are we talking?
32:03Let's move on to my second experiment
32:07Yes!
32:08Yes!
32:09Did you know a rainbow changes the colour of the whole sky?
32:12I think that's right
32:13I can't remember
32:14I'm having trouble sleeping
32:15There was this time a few years ago when I actually was dropped from a very high height
32:23I hit someone in my car
32:27I think they were still okay but I panicked and I drove away
32:40Ten years ago
32:42Ten years ago
32:44I was lost at sea
32:47Anyway, there's a way you can change the colour of other things too
32:51And that way is called paint
32:54Paint!
32:58Paint!
32:59Paint!
33:00Woo!
33:02If you shut your eyes and really concentrate you can actually tell the colour of paint by its smell
33:07Take this tub here, okay?
33:09I'm going to put the tub behind my back and open it without looking at it
33:14Now, I'm going to do a big sniff of the air in front of me
33:20That's definitely blue
33:21Blue
33:22Blue
33:23how
33:28That's the one
33:33Yellow
33:34Ooh
33:35I think that one's yellow
33:37It's yellow
33:39Totally yellow
33:42But!
33:43What happens if I mix these two together?
33:44It'll make a brand new colour
33:47That colour is called
33:48Blallow
33:50And that colour is called
33:52James.
33:56Once they're mixed together, I can use my thumb as a paintbrush on this.
34:01It's like a brown colour, isn't it?
34:03What's brown? A piece of turd.
34:07Hey, presto. I've made a blalo car.
34:14Boobs!
34:15I've got to go now.
34:17But not before I sing the theme tune again.
34:19Exactly the same as I sang it first time round.
34:21Let's dance together.
34:23Goodbye, everyone.
34:24Science today.
34:26Science today.
34:27Dr Rosie Ramsey.
34:29Science today.
34:30Science yesterday.
34:31Getting more science today, not science tomorrow.
34:35Science today.
34:36I will kill you.
34:43When I was a child growing up in the 1970s,
34:46the BBC used to show really boring open university lecturers.
34:51It was so tedious and awful.
34:53For the vast majority of it, that's what Matthew reminded me of.
34:56LAUGHTER
34:57That's what I was getting for.
34:58And then, every now and then, something weird just neaked in.
35:03Here's science, Matt.
35:04Science today and science all your life.
35:10LAUGHTER
35:10I guess those broadcasts when you were a child were different over in the States.
35:17Much more aggressive.
35:18Yeah.
35:19Yeah.
35:20Get fucking buckled in.
35:22I don't know how relevant I will kill you is.
35:27Listen.
35:27You know what that's going to do?
35:29Bring them back for the next episode.
35:32I mean, the thing I thought about Rosie was she's just a pretty good presenter.
35:36Well, that was a task.
35:37Yeah.
35:39OK, let's stop for the last time and take a break.
35:42Come back when someone will win and then have to give back some borrowed prizes.
35:46And there was me thinking this show couldn't get any more low rent.
35:50We'll see you in a minute.
35:51APPLAUSE
35:52Welcome back.
36:04It's the last part of the show and the cast are auditioning to be
36:06children's TV science presenters.
36:09Yes, they are.
36:10Because that's what the task told them to do and no-one seems to question the premise.
36:14Now, for our final two.
36:16It is Stevie and it is Fatia.
36:18Oh, hello folks.
36:21My name's Dr. Darth Lightfinger.
36:24My name is F-F-F-F-F-F-F-Fur.
36:29And I'd like to welcome you all to Science Today Today.
36:35Which two experiments shall we do today on Science Today?
36:42I'm going to pick one and four.
36:45Number one, the bounce experiment.
36:48Boing, boing, boing, boing, boing.
36:50A boingy boing.
36:51This ball is so bouncy.
36:53Watch this.
36:55Good Lord.
36:57This fantastical orb has a tiny tracker inside.
37:01This is what...
37:02And I'll also do number two, the toothpaste experiment.
37:10The balloon popping experiment.
37:12Nobody likes the sounds of balloons popping, do they?
37:15Especially not me.
37:16As everyone knows, elephants have teeth that can grow to this big.
37:22Well, you can easily stop a balloon from popping by filling it with liquid.
37:27The best way to get toothpaste for your elephant is to manufacture it in your home.
37:34Here we go, bro.
37:37This is not going to work.
37:39Stop!
37:40First, I just need to add this yeast to my warm water.
37:49I'm stirring vigorously.
37:52See, I told you I could do it.
37:55Now.
37:56This is crazy.
37:57And I'll put all the glitter into the special elephant's toothpaste mixture bottle.
38:01I'm also going to blow a balloon up now.
38:04With the gas inside my body, I'm not farting into a balloon.
38:07Are you mad?
38:08I always make a horrible retching sound.
38:12Sorry about that.
38:21Watch the chemicals react.
38:23When I put a sharp pin on the first balloon, it won't make a noise at all.
38:30It will be absolutely silent.
38:34Oh, my God.
38:35Is it going to blow?
38:36Oh, my God.
38:37I can't do it.
38:38Ah!
38:40Oh.
38:41Ah.
38:42Bro.
38:43Look at that.
38:44David Attenborough, you can suck it.
38:46Look at that, bro.
38:47Now.
38:48Now.
38:48Let's give him a little clean.
38:51Whoa!
38:51Cover your ears.
38:54It's bang time.
38:56Okay.
38:56Here we go.
38:57Oh, my God.
38:59There we go.
39:01That was science today.
39:03Today.
39:04Woo!
39:05Goodbye, everyone.
39:07Science, science, science.
39:08State of life.
39:09Science is a shit.
39:11My hands are really sticky.
39:13Science is great.
39:14Science.
39:14Science.
39:20Dr Darce Leiswinger.
39:22Yes.
39:23I just thought she was quite a good presenter.
39:25Okay.
39:26Until I just, the noise you made when you were cleaning the elephant's dust.
39:31I didn't hear it.
39:32Well, let's have a listen.
39:33Here we go.
39:34Woo!
39:34Woo!
39:35Woo!
39:35Woo!
39:36Woo!
39:36Woo!
39:36Woo!
39:37Woo!
39:37Woo!
39:38Woo!
39:38Woo!
39:39Woo!
39:39OK.
39:40I get that, yeah.
39:40Not yet.
39:41Yeah.
39:41Yeah.
39:42OK.
39:43The scientist was called, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
39:45I couldn't, do you know what?
39:49As soon as I walked in, I saw the balloons on the side, I was like, oh, shit.
39:52So, I couldn't really think of anything.
39:54I just wonder, if you were a children's science presenter, OK, when you put the pin into the
40:00balloon that has a bit of water in it, you, Fatia, were genuinely amazed it had worked.
40:05You went, oh!
40:07Then you had to get back into a fair character.
40:10LAUGHTER
40:12And I just wonder if, should a children's science teacher, when she sticks a pin into a balloon
40:19and she's amazed by it, should she say, David Attenborough, you can suck it?
40:23LAUGHTER
40:24And I'd argue, should anyone in this country say, David Attenborough, you should suck it?
40:34Look at that, bruv.
40:35LAUGHTER
40:37Well, it's most authoritative delivery.
40:39She was authoritative, I think.
40:41She was authoritative.
40:42But also with fewest mistakes, and arguably, you ignored quite a bit of the instructions.
40:47I feel that Rosie was the most accurate and authoritative, followed by Stevie, and then
40:53Matthew and Fatia and Jason, to me, were all very engaging and very interesting but had
41:02moments of such madness that it didn't sit within the word authoritative.
41:07LAUGHTER
41:08So you won't like it, but I'm going to give them all three points.
41:11So it's three to Fatia, three to Jason, three to Matthew, four to Stevie, it's five to Rosie
41:16Ramsey.
41:17There we go.
41:18CHEERING
41:19Can we see the scores, please?
41:20Yes, well, it is still hers to lose.
41:22Stevie's in the lead with 18 points now.
41:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:26OK, everybody, please.
41:30Ha-ha.
41:31Stay where you are for the final task of the show!
41:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
41:37Who's going to read the task?
41:44I think Fatia is going to read the task.
41:46Say whether the next person will have a higher or lower number of things than the previous person.
41:52The category of things will change each time.
41:56If you make two mistakes, you are eliminated.
41:59Last player standing wins.
42:01So, we start with a picture of me, so it's whether the next person has more or less things than me.
42:07And Greg will tell you what the category of things is.
42:10Ready?
42:11Does the person next in line have a higher or lower shoe size than Alex?
42:16Reveal the person, higher or lower shoe size than Alex Horne.
42:23Not many people have a higher shoe size than me.
42:26In fact, it's only, Greg.
42:27It is Rosie Ramsey, it is lower.
42:29You are all right.
42:30Yes!
42:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
42:32Does the person next in line have a higher or lower Wikipedia entry word count than Rosie Ramsey?
42:39They've all gone higher.
42:41All gone higher.
42:42Well, I can tell you, it is actually...
42:44It's Matthew Bainton, and it is higher.
42:46It is higher.
42:47APPLAUSE
42:49Sorry.
42:51I've broken one of my paddles.
42:53How and why did he do that?
42:54I was using them to clap.
42:56You even destroy stuff when you don't mean to.
42:59You're welcome.
43:01OK.
43:02Does the person next in line own a higher or lower number of trainers than Matthew Bainton?
43:08OK.
43:09We've got three lowers, we've got two highers.
43:11Matthew, how many pairs of trainers do you own?
43:13Five.
43:14Greg, how many do you own?
43:1616 pairs.
43:18Higher was right.
43:19We have lost a life here, here and at the end.
43:22All the females lose a life.
43:24Has the person next in line owned a higher or lower number of dogs?
43:29Life total, please.
43:31We've gone higher, higher, lower, lower.
43:32Matt goes higher.
43:34How many dogs have you owned, Greg?
43:35Two dogs!
43:36Oh, fuck.
43:38How many dogs have you owned, Fatia?
43:41Zero, cos they stink!
43:43That's right.
43:44Laura is correct.
43:45If you've gone higher, we have lost Fatia Al-Ghori.
43:48She gets one penny.
43:49APPLAUSE
43:50Does the person next in line have a higher or lower number of nieces than Fatia Al-Ghori?
43:58She's got family.
43:59Well, I have six nieces.
44:01Fatia?
44:0216.
44:03They're all correct.
44:04They're all good.
44:05It's going to be a big wedding, Greg.
44:06Have you got the dollars?
44:07I have.
44:08Does the next person in line have a lucky number that is higher or lower than Alex Horne?
44:21Yeah.
44:22Can I ask what the logic is?
44:24I just think he's got a very obtuse, annoying...
44:26Yeah.
44:27Like, 103 or something.
44:28Like, 734.
44:29Exactly.
44:30He's not going to just choose six like a normal person.
44:34Well, let's find out.
44:35Jason, you've gone higher and you are the next person.
44:37What is your lucky number, Jason?
44:3911.
44:40Perfectly normal.
44:41My lucky number is...
44:44One.
44:45Whoa!
44:46No.
44:47It's a trillion!
44:49It's a trillion!
44:50We've lost Jason Manzoukas.
44:52He comes fourth.
44:53I knew it.
44:54Has the person next in line visited a higher or lower number of countries this year than Jason Manzoukas?
45:00Americans don't usually leave America.
45:02Yeah, but he's a famous man.
45:03Yeah, he is.
45:04And here he is in Britain.
45:09Well, the next person, it's interesting.
45:11A duge?
45:12It's only Greg Davis.
45:13Jason, how many countries have you visited this year?
45:15I believe it's five.
45:16Is it higher or lower?
45:18It's two, Ashley.
45:19It's lower.
45:20We've lost Rosie Ramsey.
45:21Oh.
45:22APPLAUSE
45:24It's Matthew versus Stevie.
45:26Has the person next in line run a higher or lower distance ever in their life than Greg
45:32Davis?
45:33LAUGHTER
45:36It's this person.
45:37Stevie, what's the highest distance you've ever run in one go?
45:4010k.
45:41I tried to run a mile once.
45:43LAUGHTER
45:44And the man in the park said,
45:46we've been talking, we don't think you should run any more.
45:50LAUGHTER
45:51Well, this is the final one.
45:53It could, of course, be a draw if you both get this right or wrong.
45:56Has the person next in line failed a higher or lower number of driving tests than Stevie Martin?
46:02Lower, higher.
46:03It's you, Matthew.
46:04How many have you failed?
46:05One.
46:06How many have you failed?
46:07None.
46:08She's never taken a test.
46:09We have a winner.
46:10It's...
46:11Stevie Martin!
46:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:14Stevie Martin wins.
46:16We'll add that to the final scores.
46:17We'll see you back down there.
46:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:25She's done very badly in almost every episode.
46:27Oh, my God.
46:28She's been rubbish.
46:30But in this particular episode, she has got a grand total of 23 points.
46:35She's won the episode.
46:36It's Stevie Martin!
46:37CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:41Stevie is today's winner.
46:43Please bowl up to the stage to behold your Brian Maloney!
46:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:49Right, it's just two episodes to go.
46:51But for now, it's tonight's winner.
46:53She's done it!
46:54Stevie Martin!
46:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
46:57THEY POBLY
47:19THEY POBLY
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