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00:00The Lucy Show
00:11Starring Lucille Ball
00:16Co-starring Gail Gordon
00:30I think I've got it.
00:49All right.
00:50How's this for a bank slogan?
00:52If you want to feather your nest, save with us, we'll do the rest.
00:56What do you think of that?
00:58I think it just misses.
01:00No, no.
01:02Well, we've got to get something short, something snappy, something attractive that people will listen to.
01:08That's right.
01:08Let's see now.
01:11I've got it.
01:12You can bank on us.
01:18What's the rest of it?
01:20Well, that's it.
01:22Short, concise, and to the point.
01:24You can bank on us.
01:26Oh, I like that.
01:29Who can put that down?
01:30I've got it down.
01:31Do you think Mr. Cheever will like it?
01:34I don't care whether Mr. Cheever likes it or not.
01:36It's a good slogan.
01:38If Mr. Cheever doesn't like it, he's a fool.
01:40Believe me.
01:41Tony!
01:42Oh!
01:42Hello, Mr. Fool!
01:43Come on!
01:45Tony, I hope that you've come up with a suitable slogan.
01:48Oh, yes, sir.
01:49I have.
01:50Yes, sir.
01:50Mrs. Carmichael, read it back.
01:51I hope it's a good one.
01:53Three of the other vice presidents came up with the same corny slogan.
01:57Oh, what was that, sir?
01:59You can bank on us.
02:03Imagine coming up with a slogan like that.
02:05You can bank on us.
02:07Yeah, well, it is rather unimaginative, sir.
02:10It's worse than that.
02:12It's positively idiotic.
02:15Now, Monty, what is your slogan?
02:17Oh, well, um, I...
02:20Read it to me, Mrs. Carmichael.
02:21Uh, let's see here, uh...
02:24Oh, she takes so long to read her shorthand.
02:28Well, come on, Monty.
02:30It's your slogan.
02:31Can't you remember it?
02:32Oh, yes.
02:33Yes, sir.
02:34I can...
02:34No, no, it's coming back to me now.
02:37Uh, we must be a good bank.
02:41Your baker puts his dough here.
02:44Your baker puts his dough...
02:50Well, that isn't all of it, sir.
02:54The entire slogan goes,
02:56Your baker puts his dough here,
02:59so he has it when he needs it.
03:05Don't you get it, sir?
03:07Baker, dough, needs...
03:10You've got to be kidding.
03:16May I say something, sir?
03:18No.
03:19Yes.
03:20Certainly.
03:22Well, sir, I don't think a slogan is enough to bring in new business.
03:27What our bank needs is an advertising gimmick.
03:29You know, for instance, if we could get the account of someone who is unique and different,
03:35someone who no other bank could get,
03:38like maybe the Queen of England or the King of Thailand or Mickey Mouse.
03:46Mickey Mouse?
03:47Yes.
03:48If we had Mickey Mouse, then we could have a great slogan.
03:51Bank with us.
03:52Put your money where your mouse is.
03:59That is the worst thing I have ever heard.
04:03I like that idea, Mrs. Carmichael,
04:05but who can we find that is unique and different?
04:09Uh, well, uh, how about the Maharaja of Kooch Baha?
04:14Uh, how about the Maharaja of Beverly Hills?
04:19Who?
04:20Jack Benny.
04:21Jack Benny?
04:23Yeah, everybody knows that Jack Benny doesn't trust banks
04:25and keeps all of his money in his own home.
04:27If we could get his business, we could get everybody else's business.
04:30If we could get Jack Benny's business, we wouldn't need anybody else.
04:36That's a splendid idea, Mrs. Carmichael.
04:40Yes, I must send someone over to see Mr. Benny immediately.
04:43Yes, sir, and I think that someone should be one of our more elegant and capable men.
04:50I think that someone should be a young, intelligent, attractive woman.
04:55Where are we going to find one?
04:59I think I could get Mr. Benny's account.
05:02Oh, forget it, Mrs. Carmichael.
05:03Oh, wait a minute, Mooney.
05:05How would you go about it?
05:06Uh, well, sir, I would be very subtle.
05:10I'd flatter him.
05:11You know, play up to him.
05:13I wouldn't even mention the bank until the opportune moment.
05:17You mean you would intend to trick Mr. Benny?
05:21You would connive and lie to him?
05:24Well, no.
05:26Why not if it'll get the account?
05:29Go ahead!
05:30Oh!
05:31Oh, all right!
05:32Oh, my God.
06:03I'll be right back, Yasha.
06:14Mr. Benny?
06:15Lady, if you're selling Girl Scout cookies, I'm the one who makes them.
06:22Oh, no, sir, I'm not. I wanted to see you about something personal.
06:26Oh, about something personal?
06:27Yes.
06:28Oh, oh, well, come right in.
06:32Take yourself at home.
06:37Sit down.
06:39Now, what can I do for you, Miss...
06:50Miss...
06:51Carmichael.
06:53Oh, Carmichael.
06:54Yes.
06:54I used to have a polar bear by that name.
06:57Oh, a polar bear.
06:59Was its first name Lucy?
07:01No.
07:02Well, you can call me Lucy.
07:04I can?
07:04Well, you can call me Jackie.
07:07Now, uh, what, uh, what can I do for you, Lucy?
07:15Well, uh, Mr. Benny, uh, I'd like to know where I can find your violin teacher.
07:21Uh, so would a lot of other people.
07:24Now, what do you want him for?
07:26Well, I want my nephew to take violin lessons, and I want the finest teacher available.
07:30Oh, oh, and I thought that any man who taught a virtuoso like you must be the best teacher
07:38in the world.
07:39Isn't that true?
07:41Well, yes.
07:43Yes.
07:43Now, let me think.
07:46Unfortunately, my very first violin teacher isn't available.
07:50Oh, he passed away?
07:53No, he ran away.
07:55Domestic trouble.
07:56Oh.
07:57But my present teacher is Monsieur LeBlanc.
08:00Monsieur LeBlanc.
08:01Do you, uh, know his address, Mr. Benny?
08:03Yes, I think it's 900 Valley Road.
08:06900.
08:06And he's a great violin teacher.
08:09He's been with me 20 years, and he has wonderful qualifications.
08:12Oh.
08:13He's tone deaf and hungry.
08:17Well, thank you very much, Mr. Benny.
08:20You've been very helpful.
08:21Oh, gee, Mr. Benny, all these mementos and awards and trophies, you certainly have had
08:29a wonderful life.
08:30Yes, yes, I have.
08:32What's this?
08:33Oh, uh, that's a picture of me when I was in the Navy.
08:36Oh, I didn't know you were in the Navy.
08:39Was it the Korean War?
08:50Bless you.
08:51Oh, dear, all these wonderful pictures.
08:56Oh, there's one of Rochester.
08:58That's right.
08:58Oh, look at...
08:59Oh, and two presidents.
09:01My.
09:03Oh, there's a great picture of Bob Hope.
09:05Yes, he's one of my fans.
09:07Oh, out there.
09:08Who are all these people?
09:11Oh, uh, this is the cast of my old television show.
09:14Oh, oh, they were all so talented.
09:17Do you still see any of them?
09:19Well, occasionally I run into Dennis Day, and once in a while I trip over Phil Harris.
09:27Oh, that reminds me.
09:30Can I offer you a drink?
09:32Uh...
09:33A soft drink.
09:34Oh, a soft drink.
09:35Yeah.
09:35Uh, well, do you have any root beer or cola?
09:38Well, yes.
09:38Which would you like?
09:40Oh, it doesn't make any difference.
09:41That's true.
09:42They cost me about the same.
09:44Will you answer that, please?
09:51Oh, yes, sir, Mr. Benny.
09:54Mr. Benny's residence.
09:57Uh, yes, but he's busy at the moment.
09:59Oh.
10:00All right, I'll tell him.
10:03Who was it?
10:04Uh, it was your dentist.
10:06Any message?
10:07Uh, yes.
10:08He said they're ready, and you can pick them up tomorrow.
10:14Well, good.
10:16I'm glad I have a dinner date.
10:21There you are.
10:23Gee, Mr. Benny, I envy you.
10:25You've spent your life in such an exciting business.
10:28It makes my job seem so drab.
10:31Why?
10:31What do you do?
10:32Oh, I work in a bank.
10:34That's drab?
10:37Well, it doesn't pay very much.
10:39Oh, that's drab.
10:41Yes, it is.
10:42I'm just a secretary,
10:43and the only way I can get any extra money
10:45to pay for my nephew's violin lessons
10:47is by bringing in new accounts for the bank.
10:50Oh.
10:51And, uh, I feel that if my nephew
10:54doesn't take violin lessons,
10:56that the world may be deprived of a second Jack Benny.
11:00The world doesn't need a second Jack Benny.
11:06The first one ain't gonna leave.
11:08You know, Mr. Benny,
11:18it's very difficult landing new accounts.
11:20It seems that everybody in Beverly Hills
11:22has their money in banks.
11:24Oh, not everybody.
11:25What do you mean?
11:26Well, I don't have my money in a bank.
11:29Oh, I didn't know that.
11:31Well, why don't you keep your money in a bank?
11:35Well, I probably would if I could find one
11:38that would give me the same security
11:40as I have in my home.
11:42Oh.
11:42You see, I have a burglar-proof vault
11:44right here in my house.
11:46Is that so?
11:48Well, now, I'm sure that our bank
11:50could supply a vault
11:51that's just as safe as yours.
11:53I doubt it.
11:54Well, if we could,
11:56would you become one of my new accounts?
12:00Well.
12:01Oh, it would help me so much, Mr. Benny.
12:04It would?
12:05I would be so grateful.
12:08How grateful?
12:12Pretty grateful.
12:14Now, if you would give me a chance
12:16to get your account,
12:17then maybe we could go out on a date.
12:20We could go to dinner.
12:22How about it?
12:23Well, that depends.
12:26Where are you planning to take me?
12:29Oh, well.
12:31Anywhere you want.
12:32Well, good, good.
12:33Oh, well, then you'll give me a chance
12:34to get your account?
12:36Well, I'll tell you what.
12:37I'll show you my vault.
12:39And if your bank can build a better one,
12:42you've got my account.
12:43Oh, thank you, Mr. Benny.
12:45Now, right this way.
12:53two, just for a moment.
13:10Oh!
13:14Wait, right here.
13:16Oh, yes.
13:16Oh, yes.
13:16It's down pretty deep. You better wear this.
13:30What's that?
13:32You're lucky. You're just in time to see the changing of the guard.
13:46Mrs. Carmichael, the workman finally finished the new vault.
13:52Good. Mr. Benny should be here any minute.
13:55Oh, you know, the bank has gone to great expense to build that vault.
13:58The sand hogs have been working day and night.
14:00If I'd known it was going to be so expensive, I never would have approved of it.
14:04We have just got to get Mr. Benny's account.
14:07Now, don't worry. We will.
14:09Besides, it was my idea. I will take the responsibility.
14:12If it doesn't work, you can fire me.
14:16Oh, I almost wish it wouldn't work.
14:20Oh, no, no, no. If it doesn't work, we'd both get fired.
14:24Yes.
14:25Well, now, it will work if they followed my instructions.
14:27Did they dig it deep enough?
14:29Well, it's 300 feet deep.
14:32How deep was Mr. Benny's vault?
14:34Well, I'm not sure, but before I was halfway down, I got the bends.
14:40It's very deep.
14:41Oh.
14:43Excuse me.
14:43Yeah.
14:46Mr. Mooney's office.
14:48Oh, yes, Gladys. Send him right in.
14:50Mr. Benny is on his way in.
14:52Good, good.
14:53I just hope our little scheme works, because if it doesn't, we'll...
14:55Oh, Mr. Benny.
14:58It's so good.
15:00You're speaking here.
15:04And I can meet my boss, Mr. Theodore Mooney.
15:07How do you do?
15:07How do you do, sir?
15:08Great pleasure.
15:09Well, you're just in time to see the new vault.
15:12And if you approve, and I'm sure you will, we'll need a little information about you.
15:17So I'd like to ask a few questions, if I may.
15:20It'll save time later on.
15:21All right.
15:22All righty.
15:22Good, good.
15:23Now, if you'll sit over here, Mrs. Carbeck will take out the information for you.
15:27There we are, sir.
15:28Now, your full name, Mr. Benny?
15:34Mr. Jack Benny.
15:38Your father's name?
15:40Mortimer.
15:41Mortimer.
15:42Your mother's maiden name?
15:46J.P. Morgan.
15:49J.P. Morgan?
15:52Judith Priscilla.
15:53Your social security number?
15:59One.
16:09Do you have any scars or identifying marks?
16:15Well...
16:16Yes, I have a tattoo.
16:20It was done many years ago.
16:23What does it say?
16:27Women.
16:39J.E.L.L.O.
16:43See, I...
16:52I had to, and those days, sponsors were hard to get.
16:57Oh, well, I think that's all the information we need, Mr. Benny.
17:01Yes.
17:02Now, Mr. Benny, you're going to see your vault.
17:04Then...
17:05Hmm?
17:05Well, I, uh...
17:07I hope you're going to show it to me.
17:14Oh, yes, sir, I am.
17:18Well, don't you think that I should go along and be sort of a chaperone?
17:23A chaperone?
17:24I can't see any harm in being alone with Mr. Benny.
17:28Oh, I wish you could.
17:32Oh, here we are.
17:34Uh, Mr. Benny, walk this way.
17:38I always do.
17:49Well, here you are, Mr. Benny.
18:08Hey, it doesn't look bad.
18:10How deep are we?
18:11We're 300 feet down.
18:12Well, that might be safe.
18:15It's also smog free.
18:18Well...
18:19Stop!
18:20Don't step down there.
18:22Why not?
18:23Landmines blow you to bits.
18:25You see, it's not going to be easy to get to your vault.
18:28Follow me.
18:35Now, Mr. Benny, nobody can get past this.
18:39Now, why not?
18:40Well, look what happens when I break the electric beam.
18:44Now, you see, Mr. Benny, nobody will ever be able to get to your money.
19:05Including me.
19:06Not that I ever intend to take any out, you know, but I like to go in and fondle it once
19:13in a while.
19:14Well, sir, we have taken care of that.
19:16Uh, we have a switch that disconnects the guillotine.
19:19There it is.
19:20You can proceed now.
19:23Ladies first.
19:23Now, Mr. Benny, I'd like to show you something very special.
19:39This is guaranteed safeguard against burglars.
19:43That?
19:44Yeah.
19:44This is a wooden door.
19:49A, a, a termite could get through it.
19:51Well, it's a decoy.
19:53A decoy?
19:54Yeah.
19:54Stand up against it and see what happens.
19:56One day.
20:03One day.
20:03One day.
20:03One day.
20:04One day.
20:05One day.
20:06Nobody has seen anyone.
20:07We're loving it.
20:07One day.
20:08One day.
20:08One day.
20:09That's Q.
20:33Q? Weren't you frightened of them?
20:36When you've been with Custer, nothing frightened.
20:39Okay, that's about all right.
20:46Q? Weren't you frightened of them?
20:49No, Chetakawana-kaw-wee.
20:51Chetakawana-kaw-wee.
20:53Yes, Chetakawana-kaw-wee.
20:55All right, yes, Chetakawana-kaw-wee.
20:57Oh, boy.
21:01Oh, the nerve of them. You know what they wanted?
21:04A time and a half for overtime.
21:06That's right. How did you know?
21:09I'm their agent.
21:14Frankly, if you expect me to keep my money here, you have to make a ball safer than this.
21:19Oh, well, now, Mr. Benny, let's keep going. The best is yet to come.
21:22I hope so.
21:23Now, this water, right here, this water will stop anybody.
21:28Well, how deep is it? Is it very deep?
21:30About a foot and a half.
21:32Well, how will that stop a crook from wading across?
21:36May I show you?
21:38Yeah.
21:55What happened?
21:56Piranha fish!
22:01Piranha fish?
22:02What a picnic they'd have with Jackie Gleason.
22:07You know, by the time he could say,
22:09and away we go, he'd be gone.
22:12That's right.
22:13We can guarantee that no crook will be able to get past this.
22:17Oh, yeah?
22:18All a crook has to do is take that door off its hinges and use it for a bridge.
22:24That's a very clever idea. Why don't you try that?
22:27All right.
22:43Hi, Irving.
22:47Irving?
22:48His mirror works for me.
22:53Oh, boy.
22:54Now, how am I going to get to the vault?
22:56Well, I'll show you, Mr. Benny.
22:58Now, follow me.
23:03Come on.
23:07There.
23:08Hey, that's clever. There's rocks in the water.
23:10They're not rocks, Mr. Benny. They're snapping turtles.
23:13Okay, fellas, beat it.
23:20Now, there is your vault door.
23:23And I defy any crook to get it open.
23:26But supposing some crook is smart enough to get it open,
23:30then all my money would be stolen.
23:32Yeah, but they have to get to the vault first.
23:35Well, what's going to stop them?
23:37Well, follow me, sir, and I will show you.
23:40May I have your hand?
23:41What?
23:58What's happening?
24:00What's this?
24:01It's quick, Sam. This is a buttermust pit.
24:05Why didn't I think of that?
24:07Did you like it?
24:08It's wonderful. You're a genius.
24:11Thank you. Thank you.
24:12Believe me, I'm going to keep my money in this bank.
24:15Good. We'll send over an armored truck to get all your money.
24:17Send three.
24:19Oh, boy. This quicksand is the cleverest idea I've ever heard.
24:23Glad you like it.
24:25You know, I think it's even better than your shark-filled moat.
24:29And cheaper. You don't have to feed them.
24:30That's true.
24:32Then it's a deal?
24:33It is a deal.
24:34Oh, I'm so glad.
24:36Cool.
24:43I'm so glad.
24:49I'm so glad.
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