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00:00The Lucy Show
00:11Starring Lucille Ball
00:18Co-starring Gail Gordon
00:30Hello, Mary Jane.
00:56Go to the beach.
00:58Are you kidding?
01:00Well, it sounds wonderful, but I have to work.
01:03Yes, on a Saturday, yes.
01:05Now, wait a minute, wait a minute.
01:08That's not fair comparing Mr. Mooney to Simon Legree.
01:13No, no, I'm not defending Mr. Mooney.
01:15I'm defending Simon Legree.
01:18No, I can't sneak away because Mr. Mooney's working right here with me.
01:23Yeah, he just went out to get me a sandwich.
01:26Take him to the beach with us. Are you kidding?
01:28All he thinks about is work, work, work, not having any fun.
01:33Of course, it might be very nice taking him to the beach and burying him in the sand head first.
01:38I think I hear the old slave driver coming by.
01:42You needn't listen at the door, Mr. Mooney. Come on in. I'm working.
01:59I was not listening at the door.
02:11And how come you heard what I said?
02:16Here's your sandwich.
02:19That will be 35 cents.
02:23Uh, well, maybe I can put it on my expense account.
02:27Thank you, Mr. Mooney.
02:28Just, just, just, don't, don't start eating it yet.
02:30It's 20 minutes before lunchtime.
02:32Oh, for heaven's sake.
02:34Well, now, I have another letter I want you to take down.
02:36It's very important.
02:37But I haven't even finished these yet.
02:38Well, just forget that, forget that for the moment.
02:40Now, this is to Jones Jones and Becker.
02:43Dear sirs, in regard to that contract you referred to in your letter of the...
02:48Oh.
02:49What's, what's the matter?
02:50Writer's cramp.
02:51Oh, oh, I'm sorry.
02:52Well, now, if you'd like to rest, Mrs. Carmichael, we can take a two-minute break.
02:57Thank you very much.
02:59I really don't see why we have to work on a Saturday.
03:02We have to work on Saturday because of all the time you wasted on Friday.
03:07What do you mean, wasted?
03:08A secretary's entitled to a lunch hour, isn't she?
03:11From 11 a.m. to 3 p.m.
03:14Oh, all right.
03:15So I took a long lunch hour.
03:17It's only because I missed the morning coffee break.
03:19That was because you got to work so late the coffee break was over.
03:23Oh, that's not true, Mr. Mooney.
03:25Oh, yes, it is.
03:26You're always late.
03:27It doesn't mean that that's true.
03:29Mrs. Carmichael, I don't want to get angry with you because I do appreciate the fact that you agreed to let me come over here and work in your apartment today.
03:37Oh, that's all right.
03:38I just still can't understand why they don't give you a key to the bank.
03:43They won't even give me a key to the washroom.
03:46Excuse me.
03:50Oh, good morning, Joe.
03:51Good morning.
03:52Five cents due on this one.
03:53Oh, okay, okay.
03:54Must be a letter from my son, Jimmy.
03:55How can you tell?
03:56Well, he writes to me all the time from school, but he won't spend any of his allowance on stamps.
04:05There you are.
04:06Thanks a lot, Joe.
04:08Bye-bye.
04:09Yeah, it's from my son, Jimmy.
04:10All right.
04:11Yeah.
04:12Dear Mom, our school has a new rule where we have to write at least one letter home every
04:25week.
04:26This is it.
04:27Yours truly, your son, Jimmy Carmichael.
04:31P.S.
04:32If you don't get this letter, let me know so I can write another one.
04:37Isn't that adorable, Mr. Mooney?
04:40It's adorable, but it's not worth a nickel.
04:44Well, shall we get back to work now?
04:47Yes, sir.
04:48As soon as I read this other letter, my goodness, this looks official.
04:51Oh?
04:52It's from the United States government.
04:54Oh, no.
05:01This is unbelievable.
05:02They want you to pay more income tax.
05:04No, worse than that.
05:05Nothing can be worse than paying more income tax.
05:09Yes, it can.
05:10I've been drafted.
05:11You've been what?
05:12Drafted.
05:13Oh, that's ridiculous.
05:15Let me see that.
05:16There must be a mistake.
05:18Oh, well, of course.
05:20Now, this isn't addressed to Lucy Carmichael.
05:23It's addressed to Lou C. Carmichael.
05:27Oh, thank goodness.
05:29Had me worried for a second.
05:31Yeah.
05:32Oh, for heaven's sake.
05:33What are you doing?
05:34Throwing it away.
05:36You can't throw away a letter from the United States government.
05:40Well, for heaven's sake, it's an obvious mistake.
05:42Well, I realize that, but you can't just ignore it.
05:45Now, we'll have to go down to the induction center and get this straightened out right away.
05:50Oh, no.
05:51This is ridiculous drafting a woman.
05:54Well, I agree with you.
05:55It's silly.
05:56It's silly.
05:57But we can't ignore this.
05:58Now, we have got to go down and straighten it out.
06:00When they find out that you're a woman, I'm sure it'll all be settled.
06:04Well, I hope so.
06:05Do you think I'm going to have to go through a lot of red tape and...
06:08Well, I know something about military matters.
06:10I'll go along with you.
06:12Oh, well, thank you very much.
06:13Now, you come along now right away.
06:15Hurry up.
06:16Gosh, imagine a thing like that.
06:18Imagine putting me in the army.
06:20Don't worry.
06:21You'll never pass the physical.
06:23Come in.
06:24Yes?
06:25Yes, sir.
06:26I am here about this induction notice.
06:28You got drafted?
06:29Sir, you don't understand.
06:30Please, miss.
06:31Let your father talk for himself.
06:33I am not your father.
06:34Now, about this induction notice.
06:36Mr. Drafting you is the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.
06:39You think that's right, sir?
06:42You're right.
06:43Yes, sir?
06:44Yes, sir.
06:45I am here about this induction notice.
06:46You got drafted?
06:48Sir, you don't understand.
06:49And please, miss.
06:50Let your father talk for himself.
06:52I am not her father.
06:57Now, about this induction notice.
06:59Mr. Drafting you is the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.
07:02You think that's ridiculous? Wait till you hear this.
07:04Why?
07:05I'm the one that's being drafted.
07:08Let me see that. Notice.
07:12Now, see, it's addressed to Lucy Carmichael.
07:16But I'm not Lucy Carmichael. I'm Lucy Carmichael.
07:20I'm a girl.
07:22Yeah, when you came in, I noticed you were rounder than most of the guys.
07:27Let me check my records.
07:29Baden-Barden, Browns, Burns, Cap...
07:31Oh, there we are. Carmichael. Lucy Carmichael.
07:34Now then, Lieutenant, I suggest that you get in touch with your superior officers immediately.
07:39Now, just a second, buddy. Don't come in here and start giving me orders.
07:43That's the trouble with you civilians. You think you know everything.
07:46I want you to understand, sir, that I was an officer during the last war.
07:51Really? On which side?
07:55I mean, sir, look, this is my boss, Mr. Theodore J. Mooney,
08:00and he just came down here to help me straighten this out.
08:02Well, you could have straightened it out yourself. It's obviously a mistake.
08:05Oh, well, good then. We can go. Thank you very much.
08:09Halt!
08:11Come on! Face!
08:13Now, there's no doubt that this is a mistake.
08:19Well, then why can't I leave?
08:21Because my orders call for a Lucy Carmichael to be inducted.
08:26Unless those orders are changed by someone higher up, Lucy Carmichael is going to be inducted.
08:31I've got Lucy. I'm Lucy.
08:34You said yourself it was a mistake.
08:36I know, but I haven't got the authority to change it.
08:38This is the Army. We go by rules and regulations.
08:41And unless my orders are changed, you are in the Army.
08:45Oh, this is all a terrible mistake.
08:48Oh, what's so terrible about it?
08:50Why not look at the bright side?
08:52What bright side?
08:53Well, you're bound to be the most popular soldier in your barracks.
08:56Okay, son, you pass the physical, finish dressing, and report to room 203.
09:10Yes, sir.
09:15Next.
09:26Name?
09:28Uh, look, sir, this thing is a hole.
09:30Name?
09:31Listen, sir, I'm trying to tell you this thing is a mistake.
09:34Name?
09:37Carmichael.
09:38Strip to your shorts, Carmichael.
09:42I will not.
09:48What some guys won't do to stay out of the arms.
09:50I am not a guy, I'm a girl.
09:56My name is Lucy, L-U-C-Y.
09:59I got an induction notice that was supposed to be for a man named Lou C.
10:04Lou period, C period.
10:06This whole thing is a silly mistake.
10:08Well, of course it's a mistake.
10:10Oh, well, good.
10:11And can I go?
10:12Well, I'm afraid I can't let you go now because I...
10:15Well, it's because you haven't got the authority.
10:17That's right.
10:17And because there are rules and regulations.
10:19Yeah, that's right.
10:20And you have to follow orders.
10:22And because you have to take it to someone higher up.
10:25And that may take weeks.
10:28Well, what am I supposed to do until then, doctor?
10:31Till then?
10:31You're in the army.
10:33I am not in the army.
10:35I don't want to be in the army.
10:37All right, now...
10:37That's not fair.
10:39I don't want to be in the army.
10:40Calm down, calm down.
10:42The army never hurt anybody.
10:43It'll do you a lot of good.
10:45It'll make a man out of you.
10:49What I mean is we'll rectify this mistake just as soon as possible.
10:53I'll get your complete file here.
10:55We'll wire all the facts to the Pentagon in Washington.
10:58And that'll straighten it out in no time.
11:00Let's see.
11:01Carmichael.
11:02Carmichael, Carm...
11:03Ah, here we are.
11:05Carmichael.
11:05Lucy...
11:07Wait a minute.
11:10You are definitely not supposed to be in the army.
11:13Of course not.
11:14You're in the Marines.
11:28I feel naked.
11:30I think they used a lawnmower on me.
11:32Ah!
11:33Ah!
11:34Ah!
11:35Ah!
11:35Ah!
11:36Ah!
11:37Ah!
11:38Ah!
11:39Ah!
11:40Ah!
11:41Ah!
11:42Ah!
11:43Ah!
11:43Ah!
11:44What are you bawling about, Mac?
11:47My hair.
11:49They cut off my hair.
11:52So what?
11:53They cut mine too, and mine was longer than yours.
11:58All right, you guys!
12:00Put your hats on and fall in!
12:09Get off!
12:11One!
12:11Two!
12:11Three!
12:12Four!
12:12Five!
12:13Six!
12:13Seven!
12:13Eight!
12:14Nine!
12:15Okay!
12:16Okay!
12:17Who's the wise guy with the phony voice?
12:22It's me, and I'm not a guy.
12:24I'm a girl.
12:25A girl?
12:26I told you the Marine Corps is better than the army.
12:30Okay, knock it off!
12:32What you doing here?
12:34No, I'm here because of a mistake.
12:36It better be a mistake.
12:37What happened?
12:38Well, I was working with my boss one Saturday morning in my apartment, and that's because
12:43I missed my coffee break, and well, we had to work.
12:46Anyway, I got this draft notice, and it was for a Lucy Carmichael, and my name is Lucy Carmichael,
12:52and I'm a girl, and Lucy Carmichael is a man, I guess.
12:56Unless maybe Lou is short for Louise.
12:59In that case, boy, there's really been a mistake made, because...
13:02Ben, get it!
13:03Paul in!
13:04But I don't belong here, sir.
13:06Please let me go home.
13:08Look, I can't even let me go home.
13:10But it's all a big mistake.
13:14I can see that, but I got to follow regulations.
13:18Take your case up with a lieutenant.
13:20He'll take it up with a captain.
13:22He'll take it up with a major.
13:23He'll take it up with a general, and he'll take it up with a Pentagon.
13:26And what happens then?
13:28I don't know.
13:29I never get past the lieutenant.
13:33But, Sergeant, look...
13:34Just until we hear from the Pentagon, you're going to be treated like every other guy in this outfit.
13:41A regulation is a regulation.
13:44I got orders to make Marines out of you, Boots, and that's what I'm going to do.
13:49Paul in!
13:51We're going to start with the manual of ours.
13:56Carmichael, why didn't you get a rifle?
13:58Because I think it's silly for me to go through all this physical training.
14:02Good.
14:04Now you did it.
14:08Now you did it.
14:16Did what?
14:17You ruined my manicure.
14:22What do you think you're doing?
14:23I'm putting on my gloves.
14:25I paid $2 for that manicure, plus a 50-cent tip.
14:30Yellow gloves are not regulation.
14:32Well, neither am I regulation.
14:34Okay, okay, just get back in line.
14:41There's no need to yell.
14:48Just follow orders and I won't yell.
14:51Now, men, your rifle is your best friend.
14:54You take care of it, it will take care of you.
14:57And remember, a dirty rifle is a no-good rifle.
15:00So the first thing to do is to make sure your rifle is safe and clean.
15:05So, check your rifle.
15:10Carmichael, pick up that rifle.
15:13I don't want to.
15:19I said pick up that rifle.
15:24I will pick up that rifle when I get good and ready.
15:29Are you ready?
15:40Yeah, I'm ready.
15:45Sergeant Pierce, front and center, please.
15:47Now, listen.
15:48The sergeant's going to go through the basic moves of the manual of arms
15:53while I call off the orders.
15:55And he's only going to do it once.
15:56So you better be sure you watch close,
15:58because I expect you guys to do it perfect.
16:00All right, sergeant.
16:02Present.
16:03Ha!
16:05Order.
16:06Ha!
16:07Right shoulder.
16:10Ha!
16:12Left shoulder.
16:13Ha!
16:16Order.
16:17Ha!
16:20Red.
16:21Ha!
16:23Now, any questions?
16:25Yes, can I see him do it one more time?
16:30That was it, Carmichael.
16:32Thank you, sergeant.
16:32Well, I certainly didn't get very much out of that snappy little drill,
16:35did you?
16:37Are you able to get that that fast, for heaven's sake?
16:41Catch-hunt!
16:44Present.
16:46Ha!
16:49Order.
16:51Ha!
16:54Right shoulder.
16:55Ha!
16:58Oh!
17:01Keep away from me.
17:05Which one?
17:05Carmichael!
17:06With you in the service,
17:07we'll run out of purple hearts in a week.
17:11Follow-ya!
17:13Terribly sorry.
17:14All right, now.
17:16Let's see.
17:17What's the last thing we did?
17:18I hit him in the head,
17:19and then I hit him in the stomach.
17:22I don't mean that.
17:24Where were we in the manual of arms?
17:26Right shoulder arm, sir.
17:27That's right.
17:28All right, right shoulder.
17:30Hey!
17:30Hey!
17:33This shoulder.
17:34Hey!
17:34Hey!
17:38Order!
17:38Hey!
17:39Hey!
17:39Hey!
17:41Oh!
17:51Sergeant, you're supposed to be teaching these men the manual of arms,
17:56not square dancing.
17:58you're supposed to be at attention
18:27I am at attention my field packs at ease
18:31ground your packs
18:39come on
18:41and on your feet Carmichael it was only a 12 mile hike
18:45not only a 12 mile hike
18:49come on
18:51come on
18:53come in this is the obstacle course
18:56yeah I can see that and sergeant I want to tell you this is ridiculous
19:00making me go through this obstacle course
19:03I am not going to be here
19:05until we hear from the pentagon you're just another marine
19:10and you're going to do everything that every other marine does
19:14now listen
19:15well I'm not going to wear this helmet
19:17it's too noisy
19:20noisy
19:21yeah it bangs against my earrings
19:23the helmet stays on the earrings come on
19:31the earrings come on
19:34okay if you don't care how anybody looks in this chicken outfit
19:40pick up that helmet
19:45pick it up
19:48now then
20:00first thing we're going to do in the obstacle course of the tire routine
20:04you'll line up here in a single file
20:07and go through the tires
20:08come on now on the double
20:11on the double
20:13look alive Carmichael
20:14come on let's go
20:15on the double
20:17that's it
20:18come on
20:19seven
20:20seven
20:21seven
20:22seven
20:23seven
20:24seven
20:25seven
20:26hit the hole Carmichael
20:27don't drag it get rid of it
20:28alright
20:29Carmichael if we could use you as a secret weapon we could rule the world
20:38all right
20:43alright men now the ladder
20:48everybody jump up grab a ring and go over hand over hand
20:52come on
20:53snap it up
20:54get alive
20:55get alive
20:56come on
20:57come on
20:59come on
21:00look alive
21:01help
21:08help
21:09help
21:10help
21:11help
21:12well don't look at me
21:22turn around
21:23don't be ashamed of yourself
21:24turn around
21:25turn around
21:26turn around
21:27turn around
21:28you men line up over at the landing net
21:32Carmichael
21:34when you pull yourself together
21:37would you be so kind
21:39just to join us over at the landing net
21:42yes
21:43I'll be so kind
21:45just to join you
21:46now then
21:49we have one thing left in the obstacle course
21:52and that is the landing net
21:54half of you go around that way
21:56half of you go around this way
21:58come on
21:59look alive
22:00look alive
22:02up you go
22:03over you go
22:04and down the front
22:06oh are you kidding me
22:09alright you
22:10here you go
22:11go
22:16come on
22:17up you go
22:18up you go
22:19up you go
22:20up you go
22:21up you go
22:22up you go
22:23up you go
22:24up you go
22:25up you go
22:26up you go
22:27up you go
22:28up you go
22:29up you go
22:30up you go
22:31up you go
22:32up you go
22:33up you go
22:34up you go
22:35up you go
22:36up you go
22:37up you go
22:38up you go
22:39up you go
22:40up you go
22:41up you go
22:42up you go
22:43up you go
22:44up you go
22:45up you go
22:46up you go
22:47up you go
22:48up you go
22:49up you go
22:50up you go
22:51up you go
22:52Sergeant!
23:02Marines, do not fight piggyback.
23:09Mrs. Carmichael! Mrs. Carmichael, where are you?
23:11I'm up here.
23:12Good heavens, what are you doing up there?
23:14Come down at once.
23:15Put her down, sir!
23:16The idea!
23:17Come on, there.
23:18That's right.
23:19Mrs. Carmichael, I have wonderful news for you.
23:21What?
23:21Here's your discharge from the Marine Corps.
23:23There's and it's effective immediately.
23:25Starting first thing tomorrow morning, you come back to work for me.
23:29Mr. Mooney!
23:32I want you to have this.
23:34What's that?
23:35My medal for bravery.
23:37You deserve it more than I do.
23:45Well, this is great, but it doesn't mention my being a woman.
23:48I know, they didn't care about that.
23:50I got you out because of your dependents, your two children.
23:53Oh!
23:55Oh, boy, I've made military history.
23:57Oh?
23:58Yeah, I think I'm the first Marine ever to get out of the service because he was a mother.
24:01Well, goodbye, Sarge.
24:08Well, I can't say I'm sorry to see you go, but at least there's one consolation.
24:12What's that?
24:13After trying to train you, I can't possibly ever get a bigger knucklehead in my house.
24:20What did you say?
24:35They sent me over here as Carmichael's replacement.
24:38Good luck, buddy.
24:39What did you say?
25:00THE END
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