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00:00The Lucy Show
00:11Starring Lucille Ball
00:17Co-starring Gail Gordon
00:30Yes, I picked it all out yesterday, Mary Jane.
00:48The most beautiful furniture you've ever seen in your life.
00:52Yes, it's expensive, $1,500, but I can pay it off in three years.
00:57Yeah, I got the contract right here.
01:00Well, all I have to do is get Mr. Mooney to co-sign it for me.
01:04Oh, come on. Now, he can take it out of my salary, and that way I'll be sure of my job.
01:10Yeah, he'll never fire me as long as I owe him money.
01:16Oh, yes, Mr. Mooney's a wonderful man when you get to know him.
01:23Nice and generous to a fault.
01:25Oh, sure, he's a little gruff now and then, but that's just a front.
01:29Underneath that rough exterior beats a heart of gold.
01:33A heart of gold.
01:34Oh, I'll have to call you back here.
01:37You can skip the eulogy. I'm not gone yet.
01:41Oh, what a terrible thought. Don't even say such a thing.
01:46Well, I don't know what I'd do around here without you.
01:49You'd goof off all day long. That's what you'd do.
01:52Well, I was just telling Mary Jane that in spite of our little misunderstandings now and then,
01:58you're really the best friend that I have.
02:01Mrs. Carmichael, if I'm the best friend you have, you're destitute.
02:08And whatever it is you're firing up your boilers for, the answer is no.
02:15Oh, I was just hoping that you'd do me one little favor.
02:18Do me one little favor and get those letters if they're ready.
02:21Yes, sir, they're ready.
02:23Oh.
02:23And there's not one single mistake in them either.
02:26Well, I'll have to take your word for that.
02:31This time, you're going to sign them without reading them first?
02:35Yes.
02:35Well, gee, that makes me feel very good, Mr. Mooney.
02:47That proves that you have confidence in my work.
02:50No, it simply proves that I'm in a hurry.
02:52Let me have them, let me have them.
02:54Yes, sir. Everything's right here. Everything.
02:57All you have to do is just sign them at the bottom, sir.
03:00I know where to sign a letter.
03:05What's this? What's this?
03:09What's what?
03:10A contract with the Royal Furniture Company for $1,500.
03:15Oh, oh, that's not for you, Mr. Mooney. That's mine.
03:17Wait a minute, wait a minute. Yours? $1,500?
03:20Uh, well, yes, I'm buying some new furniture for my apartment.
03:24That, um, really was what I wanted to talk to you about, Mr. Mooney.
03:27You see, I need a cosigner, and I thought maybe you...
03:31Me!
03:34Cosign!
03:35Well, it's just a formality...
03:37I wouldn't cosign a $1,500 note for my mother!
03:42And I'd like her!
03:45Here, have that notarized, please.
03:47Yes, sir.
03:48Well, uh, Mr. Mooney, couldn't I just talk about my...
03:53Wouldn't you just talk about my new furniture?
03:54One more word about your new furniture,
03:57and I'll be talking about a new secretary out of...
03:59Open the door first, and get out!
04:01Colonel Bailey, here!
04:16Bailey, good to see you!
04:18How do you feel?
04:19I couldn't feel better if I was a sprig of mint
04:22swimming in a tall, frosty jeweler.
04:24How's the banking business?
04:27Have you robbed any widows and orphans today?
04:31Absolutely!
04:33Oh, yeah, yes.
04:35We bankers love that joke.
04:37But enough of this levity.
04:39Let's get down to business.
04:40Talk about the money you're going to make.
04:42Oh, yes, let's do that.
04:43I don't mind telling you, Colonel,
04:45I am happy to invest in any project of yours at any time.
04:49Do no doubt to the fact that your little investment
04:51in my pickle business
04:52has earned approximately 312% to date.
04:57Oh, yes, that was a good investment.
05:00Well, pickles were a matchup
05:02for a couple of old sourpusses like us.
05:09Colonel, let's discuss our new project.
05:13Now, what is it?
05:14Beans, Theodore.
05:16Beans.
05:17Bailey's Barbecued Beans.
05:20Beans?
05:21Beans.
05:22And I'm launching them today
05:23with the same campaign
05:25that made Bailey's Pickles an instant success.
05:28The money-back guarantee.
05:30Go on, go on.
05:30Yes, yes, yes.
05:31This poster is going up today
05:34in every grocery store in town.
05:38Bailey's Barbecued Beans.
05:40The best beans you ever ate
05:43are double your money back.
05:45Sounds like another winner.
05:47My beans may change the name of Boston to Bailey.
05:51I hope they change the name of Mooney to money.
05:54That's kind of a little...
05:58I have a check for $5,000 right here.
06:03A wise investment.
06:06I have just okayed 200 radio and TV
06:09singing commercials for our new product.
06:11Oh, I like the way you do things, Colonel.
06:14So do I.
06:16Bailey's Beans, Bailey's Beans,
06:18priced for folks of every means.
06:20Fix a pot, cold hard,
06:22a good old Bailey's Beans.
06:24Don't delay.
06:25Move today to your dearest store.
06:28Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up.
06:29Whoa!
06:30Hi, Bailey's Beans.
06:34See you later, partner.
06:42Bailey's Beans, Bailey's Beans,
06:44may make me a man of mean.
06:50There you are, sir.
06:54Uh, Mr. Mooney,
06:55I was just thinking,
06:56if you won't co-sign to finance my new furniture,
07:00would you please authorize
07:01a $1,500 loan on my old furniture?
07:04Ah, now you're talking about collateral.
07:07I am?
07:09And that's different.
07:10That's different.
07:11All right, now,
07:11how much did your old furniture cost?
07:13$800.
07:14And I still owe
07:17the finance company $700.
07:21Mrs. Carmichael?
07:22Yes, sir?
07:23You expect me to authorize
07:24a loan of $1,500
07:25on furniture that cost $800
07:27on which you still owe $700?
07:31Well, certainly.
07:32$800 and $700 equals $1,500.
07:36Only an idiot would give a loan
07:38under those conditions.
07:39Well, I don't know any other idiots.
07:40You're the only one I know.
07:42What?
07:43I mean...
07:43Never mind what you mean.
07:45Get to work.
07:45Get to work.
07:46Get back to work.
07:46Yes, sir.
07:47That isn't a ridiculous statement.
08:02What ridiculous statement?
08:04That ad, best beans you ever ate.
08:07They certainly aren't the best beans I ever ate, I can tell you that.
08:10Don't bother telling me, because I'm busy doing other things.
08:13Best beans I ever ate, my mother baked.
08:16Oh, boy, she baked the best beans in the whole world.
08:18Everybody said so.
08:20I could eat those beans three times a day.
08:22Mrs. Carmichael?
08:24Yes, sir.
08:29Would you like to continue to eat three times a day?
08:32Sure.
08:33Then get to work!
08:34Now, the postman is out of here before you leave.
08:36Yes, sir.
08:37What's this?
08:38What's what?
08:39Six cents postage?
08:41It only cost five cents to send a letter.
08:43Oh, well, I ran out of five cents stamps, so I put two threes on it.
08:47It's okay, because...
08:48It is never okay to waste money.
08:52Oh, it's only a penny.
08:54Only a penny.
08:57Oh, ta-ta-ta-ta-ta.
08:59If you would just learn the value of a penny, you wouldn't have to borrow money for new furniture.
09:06How much furniture can I buy for a penny?
09:08Just listen.
09:10If you put one penny in the bank today, two pennies the next day, then four the following day, and keep doubling the amount each day, you would have enough money to buy your furniture in 19 days.
09:26You're kidding!
09:30You mean, if I doubled a penny 19 times, I'd have $1,500?
09:36You would have more than $1,500.
09:39Now, you just think about that.
09:41So, you just think about that.
09:42I think this one of those little things will work hard to buy from you.
09:44What?
09:44Well, I mean, this one of those little things will be nice.
09:46I don't have any money.
09:47Well, if I do, I think about that.
09:48You want to buy for money?
09:49Listen up, and get for money!
09:51I don't know, I'll have to buy a penny 15ас for the money.
09:53It's a little bit more with the money.
09:54You don't have to buy a penny for two bills.
09:55I don't know.
09:56I don't have to buy a penny.
09:58I don't know what you want.
09:58They will have to buy.
09:59I don't know if they will, but I just don't have to buy a penny.
10:02I don't have to buy a penny.
10:03I don't have to buy a penny it.
10:04that's the last piece thank you gentlemen this is very nice of you donating your furniture to
10:19charity oh that's all right i'm very happy to do it i'm just sorry that my furniture isn't in
10:24better condition oh that's all right our charity is donating it to another charity
10:28hi mary jane hi hey i don't understand i thought mr mooney wouldn't co-sign for your new furniture
10:37i don't need mr mooney to co-sign well how can you afford new furniture this is how look at this side
10:45isn't that the most ridiculous claim you ever saw in your whole life the best beans you ever ate
10:51now that might be true for some people but not for me because the best beans i ever ate are the
10:56beans that my mother baked and anyone that puts out a phony ad like that deserves to furnish my
11:02apartment for me oh lucy nobody's gonna furnish your apartment just because your mother bakes better
11:08beans ah that's where you're wrong now look i have the most fantastic idea you ever heard of
11:15and it's so simple it scares me all your ideas scare me don't worry about this one i got this idea from
11:22mr mooney mr mooney yeah now look all we have to do is buy one can of beans for 25 cents take it back
11:30and we get 50 cents 50 cents that's right double your money back oh yeah and then we take the 50 cents
11:40and buy two cans bring them back and we get a dollar then we buy four cans and get two dollars
11:47eight cans and get four dollars 16 cans we get eight dollars wait a minute lucy don't you think the
11:53math the store is going to get suspicious if we keep bringing back more and more cans of beans oh we
11:58don't go to just one store i got it all figured out now look at this look at this map
12:05all those pinheads there yeah well all those pinheads are marking the stores in this whole
12:15location well what are these two pinheads down here those two pinheads are us come on let's go operation
12:24beans you know this is our fourth market and so far it's working like a charm sure is it seems like
12:38christmas yeah and here's our santa claus oh uh pardon me sir are you the manager yes ma'am something i
12:45can do for you ladies uh yes i bought these beans and i'd like to return them please return them eight
12:50cans that's right double my money back like the sign says oh but you could have you could have found
12:58out if you like them or not in one can how come you bought eight look mister i don't tell you how to
13:04run your grocery store don't you tell me how to furnish my apartment tell me one thing lady you didn't
13:13like these beans why did you buy so many the price was right
13:26i don't understand it i just don't understand it addison you're the sales manager here explain what's
13:54going on yes somebody better explain it we've been shipping beans into that area for three weeks
14:00now but the chart goes up and down up and down it looks like a ride at disneyland oh that's very
14:06funny sir i don't think it's funny i don't think it's funny my report show we've sold 1500 cans of
14:12beans in that area that's right but our income is minus 400 dollars minus how did that happen yes how did
14:20that happen i don't know sir but we'll certainly find out you bet you'll find out i put five thousand
14:27dollars in this bogus bean business i expect to make money not be drowned in red ink oh now patience
14:33theodore patience these things take time rome wasn't built in a day you know we're not in the construction
14:41business don't worry mr mooney we'll get to the bottom of this you're already at the bottom of it
14:51now theodore ain't gonna do no good you standing there cackling like a hen laying a square egg
14:57colonel bailey yes colonel bailey this is perkins in the sales department the west side reports that
15:03three thousand cans of beans have been sold just today three thousand yes sir and in one area
15:09this is the breakthrough i've been waiting for well theodore what do you think of our methods now
15:17well i've got to get a pop of good old bailey's beans
15:33theodore oh mary jane i think i have just cornered the entire bean market i think the bean market just
15:43cornered me oh sorry about that chief okay out this way out of here there you are are you out yeah okay oh
15:54Oh, Lucy, is that the last load?
15:58Yeah, 3,000 cans of beans.
16:01English translation, $1,500.
16:03Isn't that great?
16:03Oh, it's great, but I'm good.
16:05Yeah, let's sit down and relax a while.
16:07Relax where?
16:09Well, that's a good question.
16:12Well, let's see now.
16:14I think our warehouse needs a woman's touch.
16:24It's easy to relax when you know how.
16:51Go ahead, Mary Jane, make yourself at home.
16:53Oh, thanks, I think I will.
17:03Oh, good thinking.
17:06Uh-oh, what's the matter?
17:07Forgot the foot to it.
17:12That's a good idea.
17:16Oh, this is great.
17:18You know, Lucy, you never did tell me
17:20what style your new furniture is going to be.
17:22Oh, a little bit of everything.
17:25Contemporary, you know.
17:26Although, I must say, I kind of like this decor,
17:29early pork and beans.
17:33Well, I sure got to hand it to you.
17:36This is the greatest idea anybody ever pulled off.
17:39You know what I'm dying to see?
17:42What?
17:42The look on Mr. Mooney's face when he finds out that I have my new furniture
17:47and I tell him how I paid for it.
17:51Boy, will he be proud of me.
17:52Oh, yes.
17:54And he'll be so happy when he finds out that I got the whole idea from him
17:57for this whole scheme.
18:00Yeah, but you know, Lucy, I'm kind of worried.
18:03About what?
18:04About all these beans.
18:05How are we going to take them back?
18:06We've already hit every store in the area.
18:09Well, now, we're not going to hit any more stores.
18:12We're going to zero in on the factory.
18:16The factory?
18:17How are we going to get all this stuff at the factory?
18:19Don't you worry about a thing.
18:20I got everything arranged.
18:22I called a friend of mine, Frank Winslow.
18:24You remember him?
18:24He worked for the construction company.
18:26He's just a big fella.
18:27Yeah, the big one, yeah.
18:28Well, I called him and he promised to help me
18:31and he never lets me down.
18:32There's good old reliable Frank now.
18:36Ooh, Bailey's beans, Bailey's beans.
18:38Da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
18:40Hello?
18:42Yeah, hi, Frank.
18:44You mean I can have it today?
18:46Oh, thank you.
18:47You're a pussycat.
18:49Bye.
18:51Oh, is that that quick?
18:52Yeah, Frank never asks any questions.
18:54Why not?
18:55Well, he says my answers make him too nervous.
18:58Come on, we've got to get all this stuff ready for loading.
19:01Okay, let's go.
19:08Yes, sir, I'll take care of that right away, sir.
19:17Mr. Bailey?
19:20Colonel Bailey.
19:22Oh, Colonel Bailey.
19:24Colonel Beauregard Bailey.
19:27Colonel Beauregard Bailey.
19:30Well, I do declare.
19:33What can I do for you, young lady?
19:35Well, now, I really hate to bother a busy man like you,
19:38but, well, sir, you see, I bought some of your barbecued beans.
19:42Yes, everybody seems to be buying them.
19:45Aren't they sensational?
19:47Well, now, I don't want to hurt your feelings, sir,
19:50but I can't honestly say that they're the world's greatest beans
19:53and I'd like to return them.
19:55What?
19:56Why, I don't understand it.
19:58I know this business,
19:59and I know we put out the best beans anyone ever ate.
20:02Well, I'm sure that you're very sincere, sir,
20:05but you've never tasted my mama's beans,
20:08and they're the best I ever ate.
20:11Now, we're not trying to put mamas out of business.
20:14Well, you could have gotten your money back at the grocery store.
20:21Why'd you bring this down here to me?
20:22Well, now, because I want to tell you how much I admire
20:26the straightforward way that you do business, Colonel Bailey.
20:30Hmm?
20:31When I first read that guarantee,
20:34I didn't know whether you really meant it or not.
20:36Oh, my dear.
20:39The Bailey Bean Company means every word we say.
20:43We stand behind every bean.
20:46Oh, now, isn't that nice?
20:49You mean that guarantee is good
20:50for every little old can of beans that you sell?
20:54Every little old can.
20:56And I'm delighted to have a chance to prove it to you.
20:58Now, you'll let me have that can.
21:00And for bookkeeping purposes,
21:01I'm going to have to pay you by check.
21:04Oh, that's quite all right, Colonel.
21:05But before you fill out the amount,
21:08I do have a few more cans outside.
21:10Oh?
21:11Yes.
21:11You just make it out to Lucille Carmichael.
21:14Lucille Carmichael.
21:15Now, that was two L's.
21:17Two L's.
21:18Lucille Carmichael.
21:20What is this?
21:31Well, now, the rest of them are outside, Colonel.
21:34All together have 3,000 cans.
21:37You just make that check out for $1,500.
21:40That's $1,500?
21:41Three Hubs, 3,000 cans.
21:47Hey, what are you leaving here?
21:49What are you doing?
21:50Hold on.
21:55Let me out of here.
21:59Come on.
22:00Come on.
22:00Come on.
22:01Come on.
22:02Come on.
22:03Come on.
22:04Come on.
22:05Come on.
22:06Come on.
22:07Come on.
22:08Come on.
22:09Mary Jane, I have it.
22:14I have it.
22:15Oh, there you are.
22:16$1,500.
22:17Wow.
22:18Yeah, and I called the store and told them to deliver my furniture this afternoon.
22:21Oh, Lucille, I can't wait to see it.
22:23Oh, while we're waiting, let's get something to eat.
22:25I am so hungry.
22:26Oh, I got news for you.
22:27We were so busy buying beans, we forgot to buy groceries.
22:30Oh, I'm starved.
22:32Well, the only thing I could buy in the house is a glass of milk.
22:34I'll drink it.
22:35I drank it.
22:36The only other thing I found was a can of beans.
22:41If I'm so hungry, I'll eat anything.
22:45When the furniture comes, we'll go marketing.
22:47Mmm.
22:48We'll have a big feast and celebrate.
22:52Mmm.
22:53Beans okay?
22:54No.
22:55Not bad.
22:58Mmm.
23:00In fact, they're pretty good.
23:01Mmm.
23:01Mmm.
23:06Oh, no.
23:13Oh, no.
23:14Lucy, what's the matter?
23:16These are the best beads I ever ate in my whole life.
23:21Oh, dear.
23:23Oh.
23:24Lucy, what are you doing?
23:25Oh, I can't take the money.
23:27I can't take the money.
23:28If that's the furniture, send it back.
23:32Mrs. Common.
23:33Mr. Mooney, what are you doing here?
23:35I happen to be an investor in Bailey's Bean Company.
23:38Yes.
23:39Ah!
23:40Oh, hello, Colonel.
23:42And I have just learned of your conniving, swindling scheme.
23:46Oh, don't bother to yell at me.
23:48Here, here's your check, Colonel.
23:49I can't take your money.
23:51How come?
23:51Because it's true.
23:53These are the best beads I ever ate in my whole life.
23:56They are?
23:57Yes.
23:58You see?
23:59How about that for a testimonial?
24:02Furniture for Carmichael.
24:03Oh, please.
24:04Take it back to the store.
24:05I can't pay for it.
24:06I'm sorry.
24:06Oh, just a little old minute here.
24:09Gentlemen, you bring all that new furniture right in here.
24:12I'll pay for it.
24:13You will?
24:14I'll be glad to pay for it.
24:16Because you're the most wonderful testimonial my company has ever had.
24:21Well.
24:22From now on, you're going to be known as Bailey's Bean Queen.
24:31Bean Queen?
24:33Your picture will be on every signboard in the country.
24:37Gee, Mary Jane, I'm a Bean Queen.
24:41Bailey's Bean, Bailey's Bean.
24:43Right, Lord.
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