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00:00The Lucy Show
00:12Starring Lucille Ball
00:18Co-starring Gail Gordon
00:30Brought to you by
00:37Yeah, Marge?
00:38Lucy, a Mr. Winchell is on his way in.
00:41A Mr. Winchell? Okay, thank you.
00:48Come in.
00:49Good morning, I'm Paul Winchell.
00:51Good morning.
00:54I'm so happy to meet you.
00:57It's so nice for you to drop in. I'm Lucy Carmichael.
01:00Oh, how do you do?
01:01I was told outside that someone here could help me.
01:04Oh, well, it would be a thrill helping a famous person like you, Mr. Winchell.
01:08I always read your column.
01:11No, that's Walter Winchell. I'm Paul Winchell.
01:15Oh, of course.
01:17But I knew you were famous. You were a ventriloquist.
01:20Yes, that's right.
01:21I don't know how I could get so confused when you're really one of my favorite entertainers.
01:26I just think you're so wonderful and so funny.
01:28I just get hysterical watching you and Charlie McCarthy.
01:33No, that's Edgar Bergen.
01:36Oh, of course. You work with Charlie Mahoney.
01:40No, Jerry Mahoney.
01:41Jerry, that's it.
01:43Oh, you know, another thing I love about you.
01:45I think you'd better quit while you're ahead.
01:47Oh, maybe you're right.
01:49Won't you sit down? What can I do for you, Mr. Winchell?
01:52Oh, thank you. Well, I'm thinking about opening up a savings account here, and they told me that a Mr. Mooney could help explain the bank's interest rates to me.
02:00Oh, well, yes, he could, but he doesn't happen to be here right now.
02:03Oh.
02:04I'd be glad to explain our interest rates to you.
02:06Oh, fine. Thank you.
02:08Uh, now then, uh, on savings accounts, our bank pays 5% annually.
02:155%?
02:16Yes. However, if the money remains on deposit for over six months, we compound the interest on a quarterly basis.
02:23And this brings the interest to five and three-eighths percent.
02:27Oh, I see.
02:28Yes, unless, unless the deposit is made after the tenth of the month.
02:33Now, in this case, the interest is five and one-sixteenth percent.
02:37Oh, well, then another one...
02:38That is if we deposit more than a thousand dollars under our bonus plan.
02:43And it remains in the bank for one year, yet less than eighteen months.
02:48See, then the interest is compounded daily.
02:51Daily?
02:52Yes.
02:53And it amounts to five and three-quarters percent.
02:55Oh, well, then...
02:56Unless...
02:57Oh, when is your birthday?
02:59Uh, uh, uh, December 21st.
03:01You're a Sagittarian?
03:02Yes, that's right.
03:03Well, you're a Sagittarian, and you are eligible for our birthday club.
03:07Yes.
03:08Now, our birthday accounts allow deposits of $5,000.
03:13Uh-huh.
03:14And the interest is compounded every half hour.
03:18And amounts to five and eighty-nine one-hundredths percent.
03:24Five and eighty-nine one-hundredths percent?
03:27Yes, sir.
03:28Providing that you return the set of dishes that we give you when you open your account.
03:32Unless you prefer the electric frying pan or the hair dryer.
03:39Or you can have an automatic toaster, which is guaranteed for five years, or fifty thousand
03:45slices of bread, whichever comes first.
03:47Would you like me to go over that again?
03:53No, once is enough time.
03:55Well, I certainly appreciate you explaining everything to me.
03:58Well, you're lucky that I was the one who took care of you, because I'm one of the few people in the bank that knows about the interest rates.
04:03Oh, I could believe that.
04:05Well, uh, I think I, uh, will open my account here, and thank you very much for your help.
04:09Well, uh, thank you, and, and, Mr. Winchell, if there's ever anything else I can help you with, don't hesitate to call on me.
04:15Oh, well, thank you.
04:16And if I can ever help you, you just call on me.
04:18Well, thank you very much.
04:19That's nice.
04:20I hope to see you again soon.
04:22Goodbye.
04:23Bye-bye.
04:28Mr. Mooney's office.
04:29Oh, hi, Mary Jane.
04:31What?
04:32Oh, well, thank you, dear, but I can't make it Friday night.
04:36No, the bank is having its annual employees dinner and show, remember?
04:40Yeah, Mr. Mooney's out right now trying to line up all kinds of celebrities to entertain at the dinner.
04:45Yeah, it's gonna be a blast.
04:48Yeah, well, uh, thanks for calling anyway, dear.
04:52Bye-bye.
04:57Oh, hi, Mr. Mooney.
04:58How'd you make out?
04:59I didn't.
05:00You mean you didn't get anyone to entertain at the dinner?
05:03No one.
05:05Oh, I thought it was such a good idea, you calling on the celebrities in person.
05:10Well, they all turned me down.
05:12They had good reasons, but they turned me down.
05:15What good reasons?
05:16Well, Bob Hope is doing a show for the Girl Scouts in Pismo Beach.
05:23Jack Benny is on a tour of Fort Knox.
05:27And Dean Martin just had an operation.
05:29An operation?
05:30Yes, he had a brass rail removed that was pressing on the bottom of his foot.
05:37Well, I just don't know who I'm going to get.
05:40Oh, gee, aren't there any other movie actors you could call?
05:43Yes, yes, but they're all too busy running for public office.
05:48Well, now, Mrs. Carmichael, don't you know someone who can help us out?
05:52Well, now, now, let's see.
05:53Let's see.
05:54We've already gone through our list of clients.
05:56Yeah.
05:57Oh, dear.
05:58Oh, of course.
06:00Why didn't I think of him before?
06:03Who?
06:04Who?
06:05Oh, you know how a thing can be right under your nose and you don't see it?
06:08You don't see why?
06:09You know how a name can be right on the tip of your tongue and you forget it?
06:12What name?
06:13You know how sometimes you can't see the forest or the trees?
06:15What trees?
06:16Sometimes you just...
06:17Oh, will you stop babbling and tell me who it is?
06:21The world's greatest ventriloquist, Paul Winchell.
06:25Oh, he's wonderful.
06:27Yes, he is.
06:28But how can I get him?
06:29I haven't even met him.
06:30Well, I have.
06:31He was in the bank a little while ago and I helped him open an account
06:34and he told me that he appreciated it very much
06:36and if he could ever do me a favor that I should call on him.
06:39So I'll go right over and call on him tonight after work.
06:42Mrs. Carmichael, if you can get him, I will see to it that you get a $50 raise.
06:48Oh, Mr. Mooney, $50!
06:51Per year.
06:54Per year?
06:55That isn't even a dollar a week.
07:07Hello?
07:08Oh, hi, Gary.
07:09A golf game?
07:11Uh, no, I can't.
07:12I'm rehearsing right now.
07:14Oh, yes.
07:15Uh, well, it's business, you know.
07:17How about next week?
07:19Great!
07:20Okay, thanks.
07:21Goodbye.
07:22Well, you certainly do need to re-hustle.
07:23I saw your lips moving.
07:24Oh, you funny little snail.
07:26I tell you, Snitchy, lately you're just absolutely incorrigible.
07:29How dare you say that I'm incorrigible?
07:32That I'm incor...
07:33How come you can say it and I can't?
07:37Because you're not as bright as I am.
07:38Now, you just sit right down here for a moment.
07:40Hello, darling.
07:41Well, hello, Tessie.
07:42Listen, I'd like to talk with you.
07:43Oh, it's about time.
07:44You've been ignoring me all day.
07:45Well, I'm terribly sorry.
07:46Well, what do you want to say?
07:47Well, I hear that you and your boyfriend went to a drive-in movie last night.
07:50Oh, yes, we did.
07:51We had such a wonderful time.
07:52Oh, it was so exciting.
07:53Those terrific love scenes.
07:54Huh?
07:55Really?
07:56Yes.
07:57Tonight we're gonna go back and see the movie.
07:58Oh, my boyfriend is so romantical.
07:59No.
08:00Yes.
08:01No.
08:02So good.
08:15I tell him yes, he tells me no.
08:26You like the boys I gather.
08:27No, I like the ones I gather.
08:29Come in!
08:30Please come in!
08:31Oh, hello.
08:34Oh, Mr. Winchell, I'm sorry.
08:36If I'd known your girlfriend was here, I...
08:38I'm not his girlfriend.
08:40Oh, excuse me, Mrs. Winchell.
08:43I'm not Mrs. Winchell. I'm not married.
08:46Oh, I'm sorry.
08:47You're sorry.
08:49Well, I didn't mean to intrude. I'll come back later.
08:52No, no, wait a minute. You're not intruding.
08:54This is just one of my...
08:55Watch it, Buster.
08:55Oh, Mr. Winchell, you fooled me completely.
09:02Oh, thank you, Lucy.
09:03You remembered my name.
09:05Oh, well, it's hard to forget a girl with such beautiful, natural red hair.
09:09Natural?
09:10Ah!
09:12That's not very nice.
09:14Lucy, will you sit down?
09:15Natural. It probably comes out of a peroxide bottle.
09:20Well, it certainly is nice to see you, Lucy.
09:22Well, thank you.
09:23I just thought I'd drop by and bring you one of the bank's calendars and...
09:27Oh, well, thank you.
09:27Maybe ask you a teensy-weensy little favor.
09:31A favor?
09:32Yes, you see, the bank is having a dinner at the Beverly Ritz Hotel Friday night,
09:36and we need someone wonderful like you to entertain.
09:40Oh, well, thank you for thinking of it.
09:42What do they intend paying?
09:47Paying?
09:49Oh, well, it's sort of a benefit.
09:52A benefit?
09:53For a bank?
09:55Yeah, well, to be honest, it's kind of a benefit for me.
09:59Yeah, my boss promised to give me a raise if I got you to come and entertain.
10:04Oh, how much of a raise?
10:06The dollar.
10:09A whole dollar?
10:11Boy, he must be one of the last of the big spenders.
10:14Yeah, at the bank we call him Diamond Jim Mooney.
10:17Well, okay, I'll entertain at the dinner, but I won't do it for Mooney.
10:21I'll do it for you.
10:22Oh, thank you.
10:23You're so wonderful.
10:24You don't know what this means to me, getting a wonderful ventriloquist like you to entertain.
10:29You know, I've always been fascinated by ventriloquism.
10:33Have you really?
10:34Yes, I have.
10:35Well, you know, it can be a very, very interesting hobby, especially for a woman.
10:38Why?
10:39She can always be sure of having the last word.
10:41Oh, I never thought of that.
10:44Well, Lucy, we ventriloquists do have an advantage.
10:47We can talk to our little wooden friends and say anything we want about anybody.
10:51And it's a great way to let off some steam.
10:54Oh, boy, I could use one of your little wooden friends around the office.
10:57Gee, have I got a boss.
10:59I like to tell him a thing or two.
11:02Are they very expensive?
11:04Where can I buy one?
11:05Oh, you don't have to buy one.
11:06I'll lend you one of mine.
11:08Would you?
11:09Why, of course.
11:10Oh, that's wonderful.
11:12Go ahead, take your pick.
11:12Which one would you like?
11:13Take my pick.
11:14Any one you want.
11:15Oh, for heaven.
11:16Oh, look at them.
11:19Oh, he's cute.
11:23Oh, thanks a lot, honey.
11:28What are you saying, thanks a lot, honey?
11:30She's talking to me.
11:35Come here, you gorgeous hunk of stuff.
11:38Your hand.
11:39I kiss your hand, madam.
11:44Oh, cut it out, Casanova.
11:45I'm the head guy.
11:46Yeah, what a head.
11:49I seen a better head on a glass of beer.
11:51Oh, I guess you think you're kind of cute with that cockamamie kisser.
11:56Oh, look who's talking.
11:58Is that your face or are you ad-libbing till Halloween?
12:00Oh, so you want to get tough, do you?
12:05All righty.
12:06There.
12:07Okay.
12:09Oh, would you like to have an egg shampoo?
12:15Here you are, kiddo.
12:16Why, you, you.
12:20Okay, here's one for you, kid.
12:23Oh, you want to start in, eh?
12:25Here's my calling card.
12:26Now, wait a minute.
12:27Yeah, here's one for you.
12:28Now, wait a minute, pal.
12:28Wait a minute.
12:29Will you wait?
12:29Will you both wait?
12:30Will you wait one moment, please?
12:32Don't you see I have company?
12:33Yeah, and what company?
12:37Here she's got a friend for you.
13:03Hey, listen, Lynch.
13:15You better do something quick.
13:17I think she just entered the Twilight Zone.
13:21Lucy?
13:23Lucy?
13:24Lucy?
13:25Yeah.
13:27What?
13:28Welcome back.
13:29Oh, Paul.
13:32Oh, Paul.
13:33You were doing that.
13:36I could have sworn they were alive.
13:38Well, I don't blame you, Lucy.
13:40Sometimes even I forget that they're nothing but a couple of brainless dummies.
13:44Who are you calling brainless?
13:45Oh, Paul.
13:46Oh, Paul.
13:47Oh, Paul.
13:48Oh, Paul.
13:49Oh, Paul.
13:50Oh, Paul.
13:51Oh, Paul.
13:52Oh, Paul.
13:53Oh, Paul.
13:54Oh, Paul.
13:55Oh, Paul.
13:56Oh, Paul.
13:57Oh, Paul.
13:58Oh, Paul.
13:59Oh, Paul.
14:00Oh, Paul.
14:01Oh, Paul.
14:02Oh, Paul.
14:03Uh, gentlemen, in answer to your letter of the 14th, we are willing to extend the loan
14:12provided.
14:13All conditions.
14:14President.
14:15Mooney speaking.
14:17Mr. Cheever, sir.
14:19Yes, I was the one who got Mr. Winchell to entertain at our dinner, sir.
14:25Well, thank you, sir.
14:26Well, if you're happy, sir, I'm happy too, sir.
14:31A bonus?
14:32Well, yes, sir.
14:33Thank you, sir.
14:34Of course, sir.
14:35I can come to your office right away, sir.
14:37Yes, sir.
14:38Immediately, sir.
14:39Yes, sir.
14:40Well, I'll be back in a few minutes, sir.
14:44I mean, Mrs. Carmichael.
14:46Do you like old Fatso taking all the credit?
14:50Oh, now, that's not nice.
14:52That's not nice, but it's true.
14:54You're fat, fat fat thief.
15:01taking all the credit.
15:05Oh, now, that's not nice.
15:07It's not nice, but it's true.
15:09You're a fat, brash, think.
15:12Oh, Mr. Mooney isn't fat.
15:14He's just a little flabby.
15:16Just a little flabby?
15:18He looks like he cornered the flab market.
15:31Mr. Mooney's office.
15:33I have a person-to-person call for Lucy Carmichael.
15:36Lucy Carmichael speaking.
15:37Go ahead, Las Vegas.
15:39Hello, Lucy?
15:40Yes?
15:40This is Paul Winchell.
15:42Mr. Winchell, what are you doing in Las Vegas?
15:44Don't tell me you can't appear at our dinner.
15:46Old fat soul will fire me.
15:48He'll kill me.
15:48Now, calm down, Lucy.
15:50I'll be at the dinner.
15:51But the dinner is tonight.
15:52Well, I'll be back tonight.
15:53That's why I'm calling you.
15:54Oh.
15:55You see, my plane doesn't arrive in Los Angeles
15:56until 9 o'clock, so you're going to have to do me a favor.
15:589 o'clock?
15:59Yeah.
16:00Oh, all right, anything, anything at all.
16:01What?
16:01Okay, now, you go to my apartment.
16:03Get the keys from the manager.
16:04Pick up the dummies and bring them over to the dinner,
16:06and I'll meet you there.
16:07Oh, go to your apartment.
16:08Get the keys from the manager.
16:09Pick up...
16:10Okay, don't worry.
16:10I'll have them there.
16:11Anything else?
16:12No, that's all.
16:13I'll see you tonight.
16:13All right, Paul.
16:14Yes?
16:14I'll meet you at the back entrance of the Beverly Ritz Hotel.
16:18Very good.
16:18Okay, 9 o'clock.
16:19Right.
16:20Bye.
16:20Goodbye.
16:27Oh, for heaven's sake.
16:30What's the matter?
16:30I forgot to turn off this tape recorder when I left the property.
16:33Oh.
16:33Oh.
16:43It's a good door, aren't there?
16:45Now, let's see.
16:45Where was I?
16:46What are you doing?
17:01Well, I'm going to change your tape.
17:03Why?
17:03Well, you don't want to use an old tape.
17:06Why not?
17:07Well, you know the proverb.
17:08What proverb?
17:09It's a famous saying.
17:12If the tape you use and use, someday you will blow a fuse.
17:18Mr. Carmichael, I think you have blown your fuse.
17:22Don't be a hand off that.
17:23Get away.
17:23Get away.
17:23Go, go, go.
17:24Yes, sir.
17:25Let me see now.
17:25Let's see.
17:26How do you like old Fratzo taking all the credit?
17:29Oh, now that's not nice.
17:32It's not nice, but it's true.
17:33He got fat for right to think.
17:35It's sad.
17:37He's just a little flabby.
17:39A little flabby?
17:41He looks like he cornered the flab market.
17:48So I cornered the flab market, did I?
17:52Who was that?
17:54Well, please, please, Mr. Marie, now don't make me become a stool pigeon.
17:58You'll either be a stool pigeon or a dead duck.
18:01What?
18:02What?
18:02What?
18:02What?
18:03What?
18:03What?
18:03What?
18:03What?
18:03Well, now, wait a minute.
18:04I don't want to mention it.
18:05I don't want to mention any names.
18:05I'll just say that the person who insulted you was just a brainless, wooden-headed dummy.
18:15All right, Mrs. Carmichael.
18:19Fortunately for you, you defended me.
18:22Oh, you know me, little loyal Lucy.
18:33Mr. Winchell?
18:34Yes?
18:35Oh, on behalf of the bankers, I want to thank you, sir, for coming here.
18:38I'm Theodore J. Mooney.
18:40Oh, Diamond Jim.
18:44I beg your pardon?
18:45Never mind.
18:46Where's Mrs. Carmichael?
18:47Well, I don't know.
18:48But it's getting rather late.
18:49Can we start the show?
18:50Well, not until Mrs. Carmichael shows up.
18:52Oh, why not?
18:53Well, she's bringing over my little friends.
18:55Your little friends?
18:56My dummies.
18:57Oh, oh, I see.
19:00Oh.
19:01Hi.
19:01Hello.
19:02Hi, Lucy.
19:02Have fun in Vegas?
19:03Oh, yeah, great.
19:04I'm sorry.
19:04I'm a little late, but there was an awful lot of heavy traffic.
19:07Hello, Mr. Mooney.
19:07Hello.
19:08Lucy.
19:08Yeah.
19:09Where are the dummies?
19:10What?
19:10Where are the dummies?
19:11Oh, they're right...
19:14Oh, no.
19:16Oh, no.
19:17Oh, well, didn't you pick them up?
19:18Yeah, yeah, I picked them up.
19:20I brought them over here in a cab.
19:21Well, then where are they?
19:23Well, they looked so human.
19:24When I got out of the cab, I thought they were going to follow me.
19:27Follow you?
19:28Yeah.
19:29The show without the dummies?
19:31Maybe the cab is still there.
19:32But, Lucy, boy, what a spot to put me into.
19:35How could you do a thing like that?
19:36It's your own fault.
19:38You shouldn't have trusted your dummies with my dummies.
19:42The cab is gone.
19:44Oh, so are you.
19:47Mrs. Carmichael, Mr. Cheever, and the other members of the bank board are sitting out there
19:52waiting for a show to begin.
19:54And unless a show begins, you are finished, dismissed, through, kaput, canned, fired, and
20:02sent!
20:04Mr. Mooney.
20:05What?
20:06Does that mean I don't get my dollar right?
20:07I shouldn't!
20:13What are we going to do?
20:14Well, I don't know.
20:15I can't go on without the dummy.
20:16Oh, now, wait a minute, Mr. Wendt, please.
20:18Don't leave.
20:18Well, what'll I do, Lucy?
20:19Well, maybe you can do a few magic tricks.
20:21No, I can't do any magic tricks.
20:22Well, can you sing?
20:23No, I can't sing.
20:24Oh, could you juggle?
20:25I can't do anything without the dummy.
20:27Please, please.
20:27Lucy, what'll I do?
20:28Maybe you can dance a little or something.
20:30I can't even dance, Lucy.
20:31I'll take a little couple of steps.
20:32No!
20:33And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Paul Winchell.
20:50Take a bow, Tessie.
20:54Take another bow.
20:55A nice big bow, Tessie.
20:56Take a bow.
20:57Very, very good.
20:58Now, Tessie, I want to tell you that all of the people in this large and wonderful audience
21:09are very pleased to meet you.
21:12Oh, likewise, I'm sure.
21:16Uh, Tessie.
21:18Uh, what?
21:19Uh, is that perfume I smell?
21:23It is, and you do.
21:27Don't talk.
21:28Oh.
21:29Well, it's a wonderful perfume.
21:31Oh, it costs $50 an ounce.
21:34And it's called...
21:36Perhaps.
21:40Perhaps?
21:41Uh, for $50, it should be positively.
21:46Oh, that's a good one.
21:49Well, I...
21:50I'm sure that it can make a fine impression on your boyfriend.
21:55We're...
21:55We're not seeing each other anymore.
21:58No.
21:59I tell him yes, he tells me no.
22:01No.
22:04Well, what happened between you and your boyfriend?
22:06Oh, he's so insulting.
22:08Last night, he told me to fix the wrinkles in my stockings.
22:12Well, what's wrong with that?
22:13I wasn't wearing stockings.
22:17Oh, well, Tess, no.
22:20Again, he says no when I say yes.
22:23Well, I'm sorry that you broke up with your boyfriend.
22:26Oh, it's just as well.
22:28We didn't get along lately.
22:29Well, why not?
22:30Well, he had water on his knee,
22:32and every time I sat on his lap,
22:34I floated away.
22:38Do you have water on your knee, too?
22:42Um, Lord, Tessie,
22:43let's not discuss our personal affairs.
22:45We're here to entertain this wonderful group of people.
22:48You know, they're all in the banking business.
22:50Oh, that's wonderful.
22:51I can sing a medley of banker songs.
22:54You mean you know special songs for bankers?
22:57Sure.
22:57Your dime is my dime.
23:04Well, she better not sing that type of song.
23:07So what'll we do?
23:09Well, I don't know.
23:10What does this audience want?
23:12What does the audience want?
23:16Should we be jokey?
23:18Or would we be hokey?
23:19Should you act girlish?
23:21Or Milton Berlish?
23:23What does the audience want?
23:26Tell us, what did these bankers all want?
23:29Shouldn't we be loony?
23:31Like Mr. Looney?
23:32He's got a hanker.
23:34To kid that banker.
23:36Oh, tell me, what did these bankers...
23:38I know, what?
23:39I could drink some tea simultaneously while my partner sings.
23:44Sing.
23:45The yanky doodle in the town, just right upon me.
23:48Stop it.
23:49Oh, tell me.
23:57Thank you so much.
23:59Shall we talk money?
24:01Or just be funny?
24:02I tell you, we're here to please you with things that we do.
24:06We'll never teach you.
24:08Get off of the shoe.
24:10What does this lovely audience want?
24:14Does this lovely audience want?
24:17Does this lovely audience want?
24:20Do this lovely audience want?
24:41The End
25:11The End
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