- 3 months ago
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00:00Great Caesar's Gumball, Barney!
00:19Can you believe it? 200 bucks for a parking ticket!
00:22You parked in a handicapped space.
00:24So what? No one ever notices, except the people who are supposed to park there, and hell, I can outrun them any day.
00:28Extra police are here because the president is touring the neighborhood today. Perhaps they thought you looked suspicious.
00:33Suspicious? Me? Ridiculous.
00:37Hey, maybe I'll go see the president.
00:39You're not going to complain to him about the size of the pasties at that airport bar again.
00:43What? They're way too big!
00:45But that's not all, Corny. I'm going to talk to him about people making a commitment to our country,
00:49providing a new tomorrow for our children, making the future everything it can and should be.
00:54Forget it, there's a line.
00:56Enter!
00:56Hi. The blown-up and dismembered stuffed animals told us to go on in.
01:02I hope we're not disturbing you.
01:04You're drooling in your desk.
01:08It's all part of what we do here.
01:10What do you do here?
01:12I look at breasts.
01:13And I'm a detective.
01:15But mainly the breast thing.
01:17Oh, cool.
01:19It's times like this I wish I had a penis.
01:21So, uh, eat to please you. Ah, plead to beat you. I'm Duckman. This is Cornfed.
01:26Word.
01:27I'm Katrine.
01:28I'm Petra.
01:29I'm, um, don't tell me. Cornfed.
01:33That's his name.
01:35Oh, yeah. That's where I heard it.
01:38And where are you three arousing and hopefully not Catholic-educated ladies going?
01:45We were going downstairs to see the president, and we got lost.
01:49Which way is it to the ground?
01:51Uh, down.
01:53Told ya.
01:54Hey, up, down. Long as one comes after the other over and over and over.
01:58May we accompany you, ladies?
01:59Wait a minute.
02:01Will you be trying to have sex with us later?
02:04Uh, yes?
02:06Cool.
02:08Woo-hoo-hoo!
02:09Well, if you'll just wait outside, I'll join you faster than you can say,
02:13pass the canola oil.
02:15Bye.
02:16Bye.
02:18Wow, this president thing is just a babe magnet I need.
02:22I sure wish you could go with us.
02:23Remind me again why I can't.
02:24Well, you have to stay here in case we get a client.
02:26Oh, hell, I can't even say it with a straight face.
02:31I won't lie to you, old friend.
02:32I'm selfishly and greedily cutting you out of the action
02:34because I want the girls to myself.
02:36Well, gotta go get my basket weaved.
02:41When I snap, I'll kill him first.
02:44Katrine!
02:45Petra!
02:46Go on, Fred!
02:47Oh, God!
02:48All right!
02:49All right!
02:50Hey, please!
02:51Please!
02:52Get her!
02:53Get her!
02:54Oh!
02:54So-so-studio!
02:57There they are!
02:58Ooh, Mr. President.
03:02Make the rabbits leave me alone!
03:10Right in my sights!
03:11I would have scraped my knee if I hadn't landed on this gun-wielding maniac.
03:23Gun-wielding maniac!
03:26He saved the president's life!
03:28It wasn't me!
03:29I swear it wasn't...
03:30I did?
03:32Of course I did!
03:34That's me, presidential savior.
03:36Guess this will make me a national hero.
03:38And here comes the press.
03:40Ah, the price of fame.
03:42Come forth, estate.
03:43Right here.
03:44I'm Victor Prince.
03:45Well, what is heroism?
03:47When'd you snap?
03:48Why'd you do it?
03:48Why'd you snap?
03:49When'd you do it?
03:49Have you ever dated Madonna?
03:51Would you like to?
03:52Wait a minute.
03:52Stop the presses!
03:53I'm the hero!
03:54Why the hell aren't you talking to me?
03:56What for?
03:56At least he came here to do something.
03:58All you did was get in the way of a bigger story.
04:00Did anybody ever save a paper with the headline, President Not Shot?
04:04Hey, guys.
04:04Unsubstantiated rumors and ill-informed gossip over here.
04:07Hey, come on.
04:07Wait up.
04:08Wait up.
04:08Wait up.
04:08Wait up.
04:13Wow, wow, wow.
04:14Finally, someone gives a hero his due.
04:16But what is heroism?
04:18Who cares about that, you urine-colored feather duster?
04:21You were this close to the assassin Lee Harlan Kozak.
04:25Actually, you were this close.
04:27Don't say anything, you sick Nazi cow!
04:35I'll nail you to the wall for what you did to my client in your column!
04:40You're nothing but a dried-out old tank!
04:45Huh?
04:46Well, is your mommy home?
04:49Never mind.
04:50Ah, the duck man.
04:53Nice to meet you, and that's only a slight exaggeration.
04:56Who the hell are you?
04:57Art DeSalvo, publicist and dreammaker extraordinaire.
05:01I'm gonna make you famous.
05:03Huh?
05:04Hey, how?
05:06Clearly not with speaking engagements.
05:08Ha!
05:09I'll tell you how.
05:10To start with, I booked you on the hottest daytime talk show around.
05:14Hey, Alfredo, after that you'll take off faster than metastasizing cells from a smoker's lungs!
05:22Guys, all you have to do is sigh.
05:29Sorry, I just thought of something funny I said last week.
05:33While the world watched, the life of the most important person on the planet who isn't me was saved by one man, Duckman, an exclusive today on Hey Alfredo, an episode that's so important, half of it will be commercials.
05:50Back in seven minutes.
05:52Hey Alfredo!
05:53What, you think you can proposition me just because I like to hang out in locker rooms nude with a lot of sweaty boxes?
06:00I-I'm Duckman.
06:01Oh, right. You're great. It's a real honor.
06:04I can't believe I'm really here.
06:06I mean, everybody watches Hey Alfredo.
06:08His show on impotent lesbian rollerblading skinheads was a classic.
06:11Eh, whatever.
06:12Thirty seconds to air, break a leg.
06:15Whose?
06:15Ha! I said break a leg.
06:18Like in Good Luck, you went the whole other way with it.
06:21Everyone else would have gone the first way, the ordinary way.
06:24But you said, no, no, I'm going the other way.
06:27You're the best, Duckman.
06:29Break a leg.
06:32Whose?
06:36We're back with the man who has been hailed as a national hero.
06:39Duckman, what went through your mind when you heroically moved to stop Kozak from committing this heinous crime that would have shocked the world?
06:46Well, Hey Alfredo, I haven't given it much thought.
06:49But what is heroism?
06:51What is courage?
06:53In the end, I simply did what any American would do.
06:57His sacred duty to protect this land and its peoples from any and all that would or will do them or they harm or hurt.
07:04Am I a hero?
07:05If doing what needs to be done to save the world is heroism, well then, guilty is charged.
07:11Duckman, what would you say if I told you we had exclusive amateur videotape of your true activities in the crucial moments before the rescue?
07:21Mummy?
07:22A pinch?
07:23He pinched them!
07:24There you have it.
07:25The blindside ambush you think anyone coming on a show like this would expect by now.
07:34So, how many feel that Duckman should be imprisoned and or beaten?
07:37Really?
07:38Do I have to remind you there were innocent children there watching as this depraved fiend made his filthy advances?
07:46Perhaps even your children?
07:48Mines forever poisoned, futures forever tarnished, perhaps even driven to drugs?
07:53Well, maybe it's not hip, and maybe it's not popular, but I think drug pushers and wife beaters and child molesters and mother killers and world trade center terrorists should be locked up for life!
08:03I say, why wait for the courts to find Duckman guilty?
08:06We're the only court that matters, the court or public opinion.
08:10You heard him yourself say he was guilty as charged.
08:12Who thinks Duckman should die?
08:23Mother Teresa, traveling the world helping the needy or racking up frequent flyer miles with your donations?
08:37On the next, Hey Alfredo.
08:39Ah!
08:44I can't believe he set me up.
08:47Actually, I set you up.
08:49I located the videotape and gave it to Hey Alfredo, and you know why?
08:52They hate you, but they'll drive over their own mothers to hear more about you.
08:56By tomorrow, they'll only remember that you're famous.
08:59You sleep now.
09:00But I'm not tired.
09:01How about now?
09:02Welcome back to round-the-clock coverage of Duckman the Pinchaholic.
09:09Not because the story is important, but because our constant focus makes it important.
09:14Due to good hard investigative journalism, and because we paid him the most,
09:19Duckman's next-door neighbor is with us on Inside Copy today.
09:23Yeah, he's a low-life slimeball deviant.
09:26Living here isn't all that bad, though.
09:28Thanks to him, I'm charging news people ten bucks to use my crapper.
09:31Pretty sweet.
09:33Late-breaking news on Pinchboy.
09:35I'm getting word in my earpiece that we have a shred of new incriminating information.
09:39No.
09:40No, we don't.
09:41But who knows, we might soon.
09:42Meantime, I'll look at the store where he buys his combs.
09:45Oh, look, the traffic chopper Sky Bay.
09:57Hey, mama!
09:58How about landing on my zero-niner?
10:00I'll wear a windsock!
10:02Well, just goes to show you need to use all your fingers to fly a helicopter.
10:07I can't believe this.
10:09I saved the president's life, and they're treating me like some kind of incompetent, oversexed loser.
10:13What part don't you understand?
10:18Duckming, the press is like a wild animal.
10:20Everyone knows if you're confronted by a wild animal, the smart thing to do is to wave a piece of raw meat in front of it.
10:26The animal will smell the meat, think it's eaten, and fall asleep.
10:30My Uncle Frank, the former big game hunter, told me that.
10:33Well, actually, he typed it using a stick he held in his teeth.
10:39Duckman, do you think you're a pervert?
10:41Listen, bucko, the ability of a nation to protect its leaders is its pride, its manhood.
10:46At the moment in question, I held the president's manhood in my hands, and I don't mind telling you, it felt great.
10:53Does that make me a pervert?
10:55You decide.
10:56Let's see him twist that out of context.
10:58Shall we continue?
11:00That is why in Togo, biscuits are called duckmen.
11:05And now I must leave you as the Brady Bunch is on, and I find four of those children incredibly arousing.
11:12Get out of here.
11:14There, Bernice, I answered a few questions. That should hold them.
11:17You were out there for three days.
11:19Duckman, in some sick way, I think you're starting to enjoy this horrible circus.
11:24That's crazy.
11:25Wait, no.
11:26Actually, it's 100% true.
11:28I always get those two mixed up.
11:30Sorry for bursting in like a runaway train.
11:32It's business.
11:33Duckman, due to our sterling reputation and my cold calling over 12,000 people yesterday, we have a case.
11:38Stuff it, Spare Rib.
11:40There's no more gum on my shoe.
11:41I finally plugged into the true American work ethic.
11:44Raking in loads of cash without an ounce of actual effort.
11:47I can do whatever I want, Corny.
11:49My name is Gold.
11:50In fact, with a reputation like mine, I can even run for office.
11:53Well, I know it won't be easy.
11:55It's not like I've sold arms for hostages, but I can do it.
11:57I can do anything.
11:59Ha ha!
12:00Ha ha!
12:01Ha ha ha!
12:02For those of you who went out for a beer, we've created a monster.
12:06That ain't getting my able to limitize me.
12:11Cholesterol and Gris will get it while it's congealing!
12:15I'm guessing there are a few extra chromosomes in this house.
12:27Duckman!
12:28About this recent behavior, I think you're overexposing yourself.
12:32Hey, it was an innocent walk across campus.
12:34Those coeds blew it way out of proportion.
12:36What Mr. DeSalvo's referring to is the way you've been spreading yourself a little too thin.
12:40To wit, there's Duckman t-shirts, happy meals, condoms, tequila suppositories, and aluminum siding.
12:45There are Duckman pajamas with peekaboo butt flaps.
12:48There's Duckman cereal where strawberry duckmen pinch toasted wheat women.
12:51There's Duckman dairy air frozen yogurt, simply Duckman scented love oils,
12:55Duckman tartar-controlled tuchus toothpaste with its pinchable butt-shaped dispenser,
12:59and Duckman kung-fu action figures with the plier-like grip for that extra inch of pinch.
13:03Barely tell they're leftover Jodie Foster Maverick figures with glued on bills.
13:06Duckman!
13:07The public is like a woman.
13:09You make love to her slowly, passion ebbing and cresting,
13:13bringing her to the brink, and then pulling back to prolong the desire.
13:18What planet are you from?
13:19I'm done showered and gone before the time's up on the magic fingers.
13:22Besides, what could be better than having your face dumped right into everybody's laps?
13:26First with those products, then with my very own TV movie.
13:29Every voter in the country will be watching me,
13:31and that and my sleazy reputation will make me a shoo-in for the U.S. Senate.
13:34Duckman if I...
13:35Eh! Too many words, you lose your term.
13:37We're too big for that penny-ante detective stuff now, Corny.
13:39And I do mean we, because you're going with me.
13:41You can be the guy that goes in to smooth things over
13:43if I say something that offends any of those overly sensitive special interest groups.
13:47You know, like those real ugly broads who are always yelling about equal rights
13:50when all they really need is a little honey in their hives?
13:53What did you say?
13:54Nada!
13:55Never mind.
13:56It has absolutely nothing to do with anyone who remotely resembles you.
14:00Duckman, think about it.
14:02Is a life built on exploitation the kind of example you want to set for your family?
14:06Exploitation?
14:07I'm a hero, as my movie will prove.
14:09Besides, I've had a talk with my family.
14:11They know it's wrong to capitalize on something just because it means a few extra bucks.
14:14On newsstands now, Duckman's mom-in-law and the girls of ICU.
14:21Doesn't matter.
14:22Don't want to watch those anyway.
14:23Voters want to know about me.
14:25And there's only one movie that can tell them what really happened out there.
14:28Mine!
14:29On USA.
14:30USA?
14:31Are they on at night?
14:32Are you kidding?
14:33Dozens of people watch USA.
14:35And they gave me complete creative control.
14:37Meaning this movie will be the truth!
14:39I even turned down playing myself.
14:41Opting instead for reality by getting an actual actor to fake being me.
14:45Shh!
14:46Here it is.
14:47Wings, wings, wings and wings will not be seen tonight.
14:50So we may bring you this USA movie event.
14:53Pinch me, kiss me, kill me.
14:55The Duckman story.
15:00What is heroism?
15:01What is courage?
15:02Now I don't know if I can define them, but I do know them when I see them.
15:06And I see them both every time I look in the mirror.
15:10Ooh, Duckman.
15:12Mm-hmm.
15:13And speaking of seeing them both...
15:17If you'd excuse me, I do believe it's time to take out the trash.
15:21Pesky ninjas.
15:23Ah!
15:24Ah!
15:26Ah!
15:27Half the top!
15:30Ah!
15:31Ah!
15:33Ah!
15:34Ah!
15:35Ah!
15:36Ah!
15:37Ah!
15:38Ah!
15:39Ah!
15:40Batman!
15:41Oh!
15:42Ah!
15:44Ah!
15:45Ah!
15:46Ah!
15:47Ah!
15:48Ah!
15:49Ah!
15:50Ah!
15:51Don't fret, ladies. That's just Cornfed,
15:57my drunken, washed-up partner who's worthless carcass
16:00I carry through case after case.
16:02Little buddy comedy banter. Want to pass me the nachos?
16:06Duckman, there's a woman outside to see you,
16:09and you'll be very proud of me.
16:11I barely vomited on this one at all.
16:14See, another thing about TV...
16:18Why don't you two go tie yourselves up?
16:20And with me on the couch.
16:22Of course.
16:23Anything you stay for me.
16:41I'd like you to solve a case.
16:43Normally I like a bigger challenge.
16:45Not this one. He was my father.
16:48Due to the fact that I was once grounded in high school,
16:51a jury my peers will understand that I was traumatized and lashing out,
16:54and I will be acquitted of any crime.
16:57I'm here for something else.
16:59I'm all ears.
17:00Don't be so modest.
17:02I'm sure you have lots of other interesting extremities.
17:06Easy, my dear.
17:08I don't think we should extend this conversation any further.
17:13Then we'll take her in for a landing, flyboy,
17:15and I'll restore you to a locked and fully upright position.
17:19Just make sure it's a smooth entry into the hangar.
17:22That shouldn't be a problem,
17:23as long as everything's handled correctly in the cockpit.
17:26Is this the part where the oxygen mass drops down?
17:42Careful, my darling.
17:43Love is like a gerbil.
17:44It's a lot of fun.
17:45It leaves pellets everywhere.
17:46You're right.
17:47Besides, I didn't just come here
17:48to ride a tongue-powered tilt-a-whirl.
17:50I was on my Stairmaster at the gym
17:52and overheard someone's plot to kill the president.
17:55All right, let's go.
17:56Oh!
17:57We'll take my Volkswagen Jetta GLX
17:59with dual airbags, anti-lock brakes,
18:00and VW's unique traction control.
18:02The German engineer at Volkswagen Jetta.
18:04European luxury made affordable.
18:07Dad, that was a blatant plug!
18:09And your point is?
18:17Oh!
18:18You did it!
18:19You saved the president
18:20and killed those naughty assassins.
18:23That wasn't that hard for those of us
18:24who know Jinkatsu.
18:25Ancient art of eye gouging.
18:27By the way,
18:28tell the president he won't look that bad in a patch.
18:33Did we really need all that degrading sex
18:35and gratuitous stomach-churning violence?
18:37Hey, USA had certain guidelines.
18:41Duckman,
18:42the blood,
18:43the gore,
18:44the ritual execution.
18:47I'm titillated.
18:53Oh, Duckman.
18:55Oh, Bernice.
18:58We shouldn't be doing this.
19:00You're my brother.
19:02In-law!
19:03Brother-in-law!
19:07Ducky.
19:08Ducky.
19:09Ducky.
19:10Ducky.
19:14What the hell are you staring at?
19:16Oh, don't.
19:17Don't.
19:18Stop.
19:19Oh, my God.
19:20Don't.
19:21Stop.
19:22Ducky!
19:23Ducky!
19:24Ducky!
19:25Ducky!
19:26Ducky!
19:29Ducky.
19:30Ducky.
19:32The preceding was a work of fiction based on real-life copycat behavior inspired by a work of fiction
19:40What an experience I think this is something I'll always carry with me not unlike a malignant tumor excuse me
19:47I have to go wash with some lye and a wire brush
19:50Which one was Mark Helgenberger?
19:52You guys still don't get it do you that movie turned out exactly the way I wanted it to that's what John Q public wants
19:59That's what made me famous. That's what got you a free ride on a duckman gravy train
20:03And with exposure like this that trains going all the way to the top isn't that right teacher? Oh mine
20:11Never mind. I'll ask him when he's finished time to step outside get my kudos from the press and tell him to dust off my seat in the Senate
20:34Hey
20:36Where'd everybody go?
20:38Story's over we're on to the next one ex-football player castrates childlike singer
20:44See you tomorrow usual time
20:46That's it just like that no fame no fortune no hot tubbing with Linda Bloodworth Thomason
20:55Actually, we should all feel a little embarrassed Dodd my teacher says that every bod experience teaches us a lesson
21:03Ajax your teacher is wrong it's had no lesson at all
21:08It's impossible for any thinking person to come away with any new insight whatsoever
21:11I want you to make a detailed list of everything that happened so if this situation ever comes up again
21:17We can do exactly the same thing we did this time and keep our fingers crossed that it turns out better
21:22Who wants cake?
21:24Tonight's duck man told a story of the commercialization of the news media could it really happen find out on the late night news
21:31Also, we'll have gossip with Stacy the dumbest dog contest cooking with the pan man dr. Schnitz with what's in the stars and time permitting a report on the bloody civil war in Africa?
21:41There we go
22:11Well, thank you
22:26I
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