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00:00You
00:24Doc
00:26i beg you open windows no aerodynamics bad mileage what about the boys they're having a ball right
00:39guys oh yeah where to next week the sun how's ajax glassy eye slack jawed drooling good ajax
00:53normal no time for bathrooms we'll sweat it out in the car listen schvitz for brains we've been
01:12driving for hours before we all became too delirious from the heat to question you about it
01:17you said we were going for ice cream we are and i just need to make a teensy little stop along the
01:22way let me guess you heard about a jumbo jet crash and we're all going out to lie down in the wreckage
01:26so we can get a piece of the settlement money i still say we'd be rich today if you hadn't flinched
01:31when the doctor was checking for paralysis with that pin anyway this one's really gonna be great
01:35ready i got a flyer in the mail that says i can get a free clock radio freeze all i have to do is drive
01:41across five states and hear a week-long sales pitch for timeshare condos in glean bay the town's called
01:46green bay no it's actually gleam bay a secret city built beneath green bay in the 1800s by chinese
01:52railroad workers they say you can still hear the screams dad why would you want to buy a condo in a
01:57haunted subterranean ruin oh if women were only as gullible as children how much more fun dating would
02:03be charles the condo wouldn't be for me it'd be an investment gee and for a minute i thought you were a
02:10total imbecile bernice i am sick and tired of you treating me like some dim bald melon head who's always on the
02:15verge of his next screw-up all right who had destroys car in the next duckman screw-up pool i had
02:22vice lincoln memorial loses house in pyramid scam herpes
02:26you folks lost
02:38oh no officer we had the itsiest bit of car trouble and well if you could drive us to town in your big shiny car it would
02:51you should be a big hillbilly wellbilly to little well of me
02:58you folks lost
03:00bernice let me handle this i speak yokel uh deputy sir we shown up gots us a plum dilly up a dickament here
03:08and we needs your help to keep us a moving on
03:11you folks lost
03:15you get the sense that gene pool around here could use a little more chlorine now now don't be snobs this is
03:34the heartland the soul of our country the moral center of our national identity does this look
03:41infected let's boil this hellhole all right i'll go with johnny one note see the sheriff about getting
03:47our car fixed why don't you see if there's any place to eat here where the menu doesn't have the
03:50word lips i've come home from a hard shift at the manure plant and find you sitting in front of the damn tv
03:57sis told me don't marry our brother he's crazy shut your pie hole i'm going to have a drink with jim
04:04bob bob bob and kale erlene you almost made me hit a two-headed kid you cow what's this nielsen box
04:13whole taylor park's got them
04:20i haven't seen a crowd this hostile since the jackson family honors
04:22what'll it be tambiko and soda with vodka ice cubes afloat in a saucer of scotch and pepto-bismol
04:33a duck man depth charge how'd you
04:39king chicken except no substitute well take my advice kc you and your sunshine bad are better
04:45shake your booties i'm meeting the sheriff here and as soon as i give him the skinny on you
04:48your fats in the fryer he'll make chicken soup out of your matzo balls you're gonna be up to your neck
04:52and biscuits and coleslaw you anyone else hungry anyway chicken man you're going straight to jail
04:59what is something hanging out of my bill hey nice coat but you got a little something stuck on your
05:04shirt yeah you are such a mallard headed make me i'm the sheriff here it's my hometown everyone in
05:14coopville is related but sometimes in two or three ways so everyone is my kin which is why i'm
05:21also mayor justice of the peace d.a notary public and the sole owner of the only frozen yogurt place
05:27in town our mix-ins extra oh i never get tired of your wit all right king chicken you've got me
05:36but let my family go i don't want you even better well take whichever one of them you want but let me
05:40and the rest go i'm not gonna hurt anyone duck man in fact i've already had your car repaired and would
05:47be honored if you would allow me to buy you a drink before i send you on your way what why would you
05:53let me go so that one day when you least expect it i will trap you in an elaborately woven web of
06:00diabolical deceit craven cruelty and evil so terrible that it will turn your life into an unending
06:06torturous hell on earth where you'll be too frightened to die and too damned to scream
06:11ah well in that case let's have that drink here i have one of mine
06:20smooth
06:25sheriff we found her snooping around the park bench it's called sitting you podunk pinhead and if
06:32you don't let go i'm gonna plant my foot so deep in your keister they'll start calling you nike breath
06:36why king chicken the evil genius how nice to see you again and how nice to be seen
06:50yeah yeah yeah so if creature feature is over what say we make like a ski and battle before you go may
06:55i propose a toast well why not here's one of my favorites an indian stick is called a totem but
07:01underneath is a big swinging i have my own thanks to duckman wherever he may travel may he always know
07:09the answer to that most sacred question which came first the chicken or the egg the egg
07:18good citizens of coupville there is serious work to do this heretic this devil this duck man wants to
07:34subvert our way of life fill our wholesome community with his big city disease and corruption
07:42well we let him no i promise you this i will act on your behalf always obeying the will of that
07:52greatest power on earth that most potent example of democracy in action an unruly mob
08:12i'm gonna get out of here you lazy screw they ain't built a joint that can hold me you hear me screw i'm
08:17getting up hey my little sister made this cup metal shop she was so proud of it now it's all bent and
08:26stuff sorry sure you're mad at being hanged and all but you didn't have to take it out on this cup
08:33i said i was sorry well don't hurt nothing else okay like that stool my brother made there
08:40and that pillow my sister-in-law sewed it and that bucket i said okay you got a visitor just be
08:48thankful you're not a cup thorny am i glad you're here they stuck me in jail just because i said that
08:54the egg came before the chicken they disagree it's heresy in this town to challenge their theory of
09:00chicken creationism the deeply held belief that the chicken came before the egg it's the same kind of
09:05mindless intellectually bankrupt belief system once found in the druids or the reagan administration
09:09did you talk to my lawyer slash urologist donald the shiv grillo yes but he didn't talk back he's
09:14dead a rare case of peacetime fragging damn coast guard reserve my watertight butt is in a sling now i
09:20have no lawyer to defend me objection i clerked for a supreme court justice to finance my way through vcr
09:27repair school relax duck man i'll get you off but i mean i'll see that you're found not guilty i hope so
09:35boy bernice and the kids must be worried sick
09:49when people on tv watch tv is everything backwards wouldn't baseball be more exciting if the bats were
10:13alive sometimes i get a really bad headache like my head is in a vice and usually it turns out that's
10:20exactly what's wrong how'd you get to be such a good shot i've got this machine at home i can't wait to
10:34show you the coopville spittoon museum and mucatorium my heavens how your civic pride impresses me if i
10:43tell you what impresses me about you you'll blush i try to stay firm you succeed
10:53were you abused by your parents no teased at school no a victim of racial rage no sexually harassed no
11:04fired for being chronically tardy no you ever eat twinkies it's no use they've got me mother of mercy
11:09is this the end of duck man duck man we've been caged beaten chased by murderers blasted by computers
11:14and through all that one thing never fails the way you fall apart right before crunch time crying and
11:19moaning like a spineless and pathetic little pansy what's your point no point just venting
11:30this is like coupon night at sizzler let's string the god darn egg lover up
11:37now don't you go and do anything drastic uncle goopy he's got a right to a fair trial
11:43that's why i got a judge from outside of coopville to preside hey that's mighty white meat of you
11:49allow me to introduce judge kennesaw mountain chicky huh what are the odds he has the same last name
11:57as you well of course he does he's my pappy your pappy but you just said an impartial judge from outside
12:04coopville that's right doctor a pappy lives in bixley you mean exactly the town line is right behind you
12:13we're gonna give him a fair trial all right then we're gonna string him and swing him by his scrawny
12:31sim and nick until he is dead could somebody get here with tic tac
12:43friends of the prosecution to the right defense to the left ajax
13:11i got his autograph it's for a friend of mine who happens to be named cornfed on a brighter note i
13:27spoke to fluffy and uranus this morning they said they're working night and day to gather evidence
13:30that may help acquit you
13:38what the heck you're staring at this is my big ugly butt oh yay oh yay oh yay yeah yes sir oh yay we've
13:48been through this a million times oh right forgot all rise for his honor judge kennesaw chicken
14:03hold it down folks want to be able to hear them building the gallows don't we
14:08peppy ah your honor i move that we dispense with jury selection and impanel the people who mistakenly sat in
14:15the jury box instead of the gallery motion granted jury is accepted your client has been charged with
14:23espousal of egg illusionism who will present his case first i won the toss your honor ladies and
14:30gentlemen of the jury i intend to uh your honor i feel it might unduly prejudice the jury if you
14:36continue to allow the district attorney to sit on your lap very well sunny go on over there
14:43we will prove beyond the shadow yeah yeah yeah sit down and shut up you made your point yeah i've laid
14:48the groundwork ladies and gentlemen of the jury think of an innocent child picking a daisy on a sunny
14:56sunday afternoon now imagine duck man roaring out of nowhere driving a large truck he hits her and kills
15:04her then he backs up and he runs over her again and again and again a sadistic beast with a deranged
15:10savage lust for blood objection what's this fantasy got to do with the case before the court sustained
15:16the jury will disregard the fact that the defendant wantonly brutally and carelessly killed a little
15:22girl won that one so you can't say for sure that duck man is not the antichrist come to flesh
15:32no more questions your honor defense cross no just a little peeved oh yeah oh yeah levity will not
15:41help your case one bit his character wow he did refuse to give to jerry's kids his exact words were i don't
15:54give money to anyone who can't walk up to me and thank me for it objection on what grounds the need to
16:00distract the jury from hearing the truth overruled overruled overruled yeah friend overruled you sit
16:07your butt down oh this is gonna continue being a problem ain't it he said hey plainest day i heard
16:15him say egg came right out and said egg he did egg egg egg egg egg egg egg egg egg egg egg you folks lost
16:25i mean egg egg egg egg egg egg egg egg egg egg egg egg egg your honor i believe the prosecution has made
16:33its point plus some people are sneaking back in line for seconds he's just mad because he doesn't have any
16:38witnesses of his own i'm afraid that's a forfeit it's a do-over forfeit do-over forfeit do-over it's
16:45a forfeit duck man is there anything you want before i sentence you to death to sit through the entire
16:53director's cut of dances with wolves ha i can't wait to see you dangle my king i i never dreamt you found me
17:00a trap quiet duck man this court has no choice but to find you hey your honor wait where did you
17:07kids get this stuff we were able to research case law and forensics using a computer spectroscope and
17:13centrifuge we built out of sagebrush manure we saw it on macgyver duck man did you know that it was
17:18against the law to say egg uh no ignorance of the law is no excuse actually this is the one time where
17:28ignorance is a legal excuse i didn't know that me neither well looks like i got no choice but to
17:36find a defendant not guilty not so fast i'm taking out my own defense and i wish to call a witness in
17:44light of the fact that this case is won and at the risk of sounding insubordinate are you out of your
17:48mind i've got a plan corny duck man the lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client exactly
17:55old friend the defense calls king chicken let the defense have its fishing expedition
18:05the people are confident do you swear jailed truth whole truth nothing but the truth then i'm evil
18:10incarnate notwithstanding i do
18:15king chicken was it you or me that day who said egg this is your plan just answer the question it was
18:23you eggs oops well that was my saying egg in any way because of ventriloquism and remember your
18:32under oath no there was no ventriloquism uh did you uh use any kind of a hypno ray on the crowd that
18:40made them hear egg when i really said chicken you idiot i assumed you had a reason for ah you assumed is that
18:48correct yes well you shouldn't assume because when you assume you you wait there's a trick here
18:58i used to know it you slobbering simpering your honor i'm not the one who's on trial here actually
19:05you are the one who's on trial here well then forget i said anything is it true you're really japanese i'm
19:10not japanese you just said you were i didn't know you was japanese i'm not i'm not japanese me thinks
19:19thou doth protest too much me further thinks that thou doth commit young crime and does forthwith to
19:25wit to woo doth pint on me yet blamed on you you're mad you start raving mad perhaps but would it surprise
19:33you to learn that there is a method to my madness yes me too what are you talking about i don't know
19:43but i do know that even though there isn't a thought in my head it is my right as an american to talk and
19:50talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and i can't take it anymore i confess
20:00i masterminded the whole thing i sent the condo flyer i built the water fountain i sabotaged your
20:06car all part of my plan to start a new world worshiping at an altar of my own design chicken
20:12creationism would infect every town and city a massive organization of small-minded intolerance
20:18so powerful it could defeat anything except of course n.y.pd blue and i would be the messiah
20:25but i knew i needed a judas so i drugged you to say egg and made you an enemy of the people
20:32the glue to hold my society together for nothing so unites the ignorant masses like a common hatred
20:40i still get the clock radio right you want to know why i did this made fun of you when you were
20:47kids ridiculed get your revenge who's laughing now the whole schmear right oh right hang him high but
20:54pepper peppy nothing you're a bad seed you're power hungry crazy as a loon plus your frozen yogurt is
21:01too damn expensive oh kingy i'll always remember our time on the bicycle and the time under the porch
21:09and those two times inside the mechanical clown at burger barn bernice one kiss before i die
21:14bye adieu adieu yeah i hate this town thanks for all your help boys but deep down i knew i'd win
21:26i've got a higher power on my side you mean even higher than that
21:30let's go home that's funny one of my hairpins is missing
21:40ahahaha
21:47abba dee abba dee abba dee that's everything we've got people
22:01so
22:08so
22:10so
22:12Let's go!
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