- 5 months ago
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00:00Talk about an outrage!
00:15The FBI raided that business I invested in.
00:18You know, I wish they'd published some kind of guideline.
00:20This is baby selling.
00:22This is not baby selling.
00:24Did I get any messages?
00:26Not including collection agencies, paternity suits, and death threats.
00:29One. Ajax's English teacher wants to meet with you at the school this morning.
00:33English, now!
00:35And we were so hoping that was a language he could learn by the end of the year.
00:39Ajax, Ajax, Ajax.
00:41Is there something I could be doing differently?
00:44Well, for one thing, that's not Ajax.
00:45That's the picture of Kluguliger that came with the frame.
00:49Well, of course it is, Mr. Pay-Attention-to-Every-Little-Detail.
00:53But as soon as I get a picture of Ajax, this is the frame it's going in.
00:56The point is, kids are nothing but heartache.
00:58You feed them, you change their diapers, you play era, playing with them to get them to eat.
01:02Eat your vegetables or I push!
01:05But where's the payoff?
01:06It wears on you, Corny.
01:07Having to drag my butt down to that school week after week to hear the same old speech.
01:11Blah, blah, blah, underachiever.
01:13Blah, blah, blah, unfit parent.
01:14Blah, blah, blah, war to the state.
01:16Look on the bright side, Duckman.
01:17Maybe it will lead to one of those special moments where you discover that no other joy in life
01:21can possibly match that of being a proud parent.
01:24Sorry.
01:25I couldn't resist.
01:28Huh.
01:28Seems a little quieter than usual.
01:30Bernice said they were trying to reach out to the kids and must be working.
01:33And by the fruit stand, melons full.
01:36The favored ladies pull and pull.
01:40Dot!
01:40Aha!
01:41You must be Mr. Duckman.
01:43I am Daniel O'Captain.
01:45I thought this was English.
01:46Shouldn't you be conjugating nouns or something?
01:48Needless shackles, Mr. Duckman.
01:49One grows tired of being strapped to a harness, of being bound and gagged, of having his feet nailed to the ground.
01:55But enough about my weekend.
01:57You're here to talk about Ajax.
01:59That's right.
02:00Just tell me what he did.
02:01I'll sign a form promising if he ever does it again, I'll sign another form.
02:03No, no, no.
02:04The fact is, I encourage each of my students to express his or her individuality.
02:10To find his or her own voice by composing original poetry.
02:14And I think you should hear what Ajax wrote.
02:18Carpe diem, Ajax.
02:22No, son!
02:23Don't jump!
02:24Carpe down him, Ajax!
02:25No, no, no.
02:25It's all right, Mr. Duckman.
02:27He's not going to jump.
02:28I insist the kids do that in order to look at things in new ways.
02:32To see things from a new perspective.
02:35Oh, I see.
02:36What a fascinating method.
02:40Too many teachers are content to have their class simply read and memorize the words of dead poets.
02:48I like to go further than that.
02:50I like to find out where those poets are buried and dig them up and undress them and...
02:55I know.
02:56I know it's wrong.
02:57But they don't have a 12-step program for that kind of problem.
03:01Go on, Ajax.
03:02Pizza walkers speeding with eyes that don't look good in T-shirts.
03:12Caught between butterscotch and sundae.
03:15Okay, son.
03:16Turn off the meter.
03:17Teach, could we step outside for a minute?
03:18You'd like a little tetch-a-tetch?
03:20Uh, no thanks.
03:21I'm straight.
03:22I just hope you realize the position I'm in.
03:24If you get mad at a friend, you don't call him for a while.
03:27An employee messes up, you can't him.
03:28A girlfriend leaves you for another woman, you ask if you can watch.
03:31But a son?
03:32I mean, when your own flesh and blood turns out to have the IQ of a weed whacker,
03:35there's only one thing a father can do.
03:37Blame the mother, who in this case is dead and can't defend herself.
03:40There's no need to blame anyone, Mr. Duckman.
03:43I like your son's poetry.
03:45It's fresh, it's original, it's creative.
03:48The truth is, Ajax is a savant.
03:51Look, that's about enough with the name-calling, my crappy tan!
03:54Being a savant is a good thing, Mr. Duckman.
03:56Ajax has a muse inside of him, straining to escape.
04:00And he's going to let it, tonight.
04:03It's open mic night at a public poetry reading spot.
04:06I know he'd love it if you'd come.
04:09Son, just stand tall, be yourself, and remember,
04:12no matter what happens in there, we're very proud of you.
04:14What? I don't know from poetry, I know from potatoes.
04:25And these are called...
04:26That's not potatoes.
04:28What?
04:29That's not potatoes.
04:31That's butter.
04:32Tastes like potatoes.
04:33What does?
04:34What does what?
04:36Waiter, I'd like a little more fresca.
04:38I'm not the waiter.
04:39What's the matter?
04:40You too good?
04:41You better than me, you murdering Nazi?
04:43Sophie, give me a gun.
04:45What gun?
04:46I got a place full of depends.
04:49Arm!
04:51Unless Ajax's poems are about blood clots and sensible shoes,
04:55I think we're about to be publicly embarrassed.
04:57Ladies and gentlemen,
04:59your host for Colchnik's Beat Poetry Night,
05:02Shecky Borscht.
05:03Thanks for that underwhelming reception.
05:08I know you're afraid to clap or throws off your pacemakers.
05:11Wake up, folks.
05:12I laughed when you came in with the funny clothes.
05:15Well, welcome to Poetry Night at Colchnik's.
05:17Colchnik, by the way, is Polish for health code violation.
05:21Dying here.
05:22My favorite poet, Nipsey Russell, can't be here tonight.
05:24Has a cross burning on his lawn.
05:26In Bel-Air, they scheduled it in advance
05:28so you can get a sitter for your money.
05:30Two, three.
05:30Wow, still pushing the envelope.
05:34Look, everyone,
05:35I don't care how embarrassing this turns out to be,
05:37this is an important night for Ajax.
05:38He's getting a chance to learn the value
05:40of being content with never achieving anything.
05:42Here we go, our first victim,
05:44the poet.
05:45Now let's make him feel at home, shall we?
05:47Maybe he'll pull out his long fellow.
05:50But seriously, ladies and germs,
05:52Ajax.
06:00Walking up the slide and sliding down,
06:14choco-free and vanilla latte for San Man exercise.
06:18What lasagna?
06:21Thought lasagna.
06:23Ever searching freedom, Italy.
06:25Are you sure what socks are saying?
06:27Magic soaked in endless enzyme combat?
06:31Paint it.
06:31Hey, LeBeau, we've been here for two hours.
07:00That's my son in there.
07:02Like, I don't care if that's you in there
07:04and we're all molecules on your fingertip
07:06and instead of cars,
07:07we drive around in little motorized molecule cars
07:10and instead of...
07:11Mainet, come back to us.
07:12Ajax has become the biggest thing
07:14in the beatnik crowd since arm print hair on women.
07:15And until you find us a table,
07:17I'm gonna stand right here.
07:19All right, good lie down.
07:23Over here.
07:26Put the marketing figures with the research figures
07:28and the ad figures with the accounting figures.
07:30Then give me the figures
07:31on how much time your figure took
07:32to crunch those figures.
07:35Hey, we were here first!
07:37Maybe next show,
07:38when you've cleared the fog from your consciousness.
07:40I'll tell you what's fogging my consciousness.
07:43I have been cooling my fogging heels
07:45for two fogging hours
07:46looking at your stupid fogging face
07:48and soaking up your snobby fogging attitude.
07:50Now, if you don't find us a fogging place to sit,
07:53I am going to rip out your fogging spleen
07:55and shove it down your fogging throat.
07:57So move your fogging butt in there
07:59and fogging get us a fogging table
08:00right fogging now!
08:04Uh, this way, please.
08:06And don't you forget it!
08:19Greetings, fellow Stan Zaniac.
08:21That was Claypool and Rufus
08:37doing saxophone and some screaming number six.
08:40And now, cats and kittens,
08:41here at last to expand your gray matter
08:43is that young talent you all came to hear.
08:46Smack them together
08:46and make this a diggable planet
08:48for Ajax.
08:51Lomp, bedside bright, careful.
09:00Closing closet, clothing, shoehorn.
09:04Salad dropping, topping, alive.
09:09Seven-seven, slowly sifting, careful.
09:14Polish baba did, drift, drift.
09:18Dancing ice in enamel chowder.
09:21Did.
09:30Go, baby, go.
09:34What can I say?
09:36I'm a sucker for love poems.
09:37Love poem?
09:38It didn't even have the word wet in it!
09:40Duckman, Daddy-O,
09:41you have ears but cannot hear.
09:44Actually, you don't have ears.
09:46He's coming back on.
09:47No, wait, this is really creepy.
09:49How do you hear?
09:50What holds your glasses on?
09:51Never mind about the ears!
09:52Really, I've never seen that before.
09:54Hey, guys,
09:54you ever see anyone without ears before?
09:56What do you hear?
09:57What do you hear?
09:57What do you hear?
10:00Pig knows.
10:01Beautiful poetry, huh?
10:02Really stirs you up inside.
10:04Ajax's father, right?
10:05Let's interface.
10:06You!
10:07You line-cutting, limo-lounging letterbox!
10:10I'm gonna rearrange your interface!
10:12I'll...
10:12I'm gonna make you rich.
10:14Teach you to consider me as a friend.
10:16Nay, as more than a friend.
10:17A slave.
10:18Yes, and he is my son.
10:20Light of my life,
10:21fire up my loins,
10:21sprout up my mighty tree.
10:23Stop drooling on my ballys.
10:25Barry Brittle,
10:26creative VP,
10:27Watermark Greeting Cards,
10:28a wholly owned subsidiary
10:29of Megagel Chemical Death Corp.
10:31Name's Duckman,
10:31Duckman with a D,
10:32as in D-lighted
10:33to make your acquaintance.
10:34What say we get to know each other
10:35at my favorite watering hole,
10:37Melons Mania?
10:37Tonight's grab two
10:38for the price of one night.
10:39Not interested, I'm gay.
10:40Well, in that case,
10:41we can have a few umbrella drinks
10:42at a fern bar.
10:43Down, Duck.
10:44I don't practice homosexuality.
10:46I just use the gay label
10:47as an accessory.
10:48Studies indicate
10:48it makes me demographically
10:49attractive to my employers,
10:50putting me first in line
10:51for any affirmative action promotions.
10:53My first ten years
10:54at the company,
10:55I was black.
10:57I sense your ability
10:58to concentrate is limited,
10:59so let's bottom line this.
11:00I think your son's poetry
11:02would make great greeting cards.
11:04Sure, if you celebrate
11:05Mumbo Jumbo Day.
11:06Oops.
11:07Was that out loud?
11:08I've got a long-term contract here.
11:10I had it put on
11:11big cartoony scroll paper
11:13with an outlandishly large gold seal
11:15because research shows
11:15simple minds are impressed
11:16with this sort of thing.
11:17It worked!
11:18I'll sign.
11:19Shrewd negotiator.
11:20Call me tomorrow.
11:21We'll put that young genius
11:22of yours to work.
11:24Yippee!
11:25Yeah!
11:26Wahoo!
11:27We're gonna be rich, rich, rich,
11:28flush all the nipple-deep
11:30in greenbacks.
11:33And of course,
11:34Ajax gets to express
11:35his deepest feelings
11:36through his art
11:37to an eager world.
11:38Boy wonder, welcome aboard.
12:04Love your work.
12:05Marvelous stuff.
12:06Marvelous stuff.
12:06Unique, piercing, insightful.
12:07You bring something special
12:08to Watermark.
12:09In a nutshell,
12:10you bring you.
12:11And here's some research
12:12to help you mold
12:13the you that you bring.
12:15Research?
12:16Good, good.
12:17The ability to mindlessly
12:18repeat a superior's key word
12:19is a must.
12:20This graph shows
12:21that 98.9%
12:22of all households
12:23have toasters.
12:24So, uh,
12:25try to work
12:26a toaster
12:26into your palms.
12:27A toaster?
12:28Exactly.
12:29People like to read
12:30about things they know,
12:31things they can identify with.
12:33No one likes to read
12:34about places they've never been,
12:36things they've never seen.
12:37What about
12:38The Wizard of Oz?
12:39I don't know
12:39what he likes to read.
12:41Oh, no, seriously,
12:43you don't read movies.
12:44Stay with me, puppy.
12:45The chart tells us
12:46that the two items
12:47most often purchased
12:48by people
12:48are the toothbrush
12:49and the comb.
12:50Try to work
12:50a few of them in, too.
12:52Oh, yeah,
12:53and make them rhyme.
12:54Research shows
12:54people get nervous
12:55if a poem doesn't rhyme.
12:56But you said
12:57you like my poems.
12:58Why do you want me
12:59to change them?
13:00Change?
13:01Please.
13:02A haircut,
13:02a nip,
13:03a tweak,
13:03a tuck.
13:04Remember,
13:04we want you
13:05to do what you do.
13:06We just want you
13:07to do it
13:07in a completely
13:08different way.
13:26Yippee-yay-kay-yay!
13:43And all because
13:44my son's churning out
13:45art for the masses.
13:46It worries me,
13:47Duckman.
13:47Ajax could fall victim
13:48to that all-too-common phenomenon
13:50whereby something truly original
13:51is bastardized
13:52and homogenized
13:53in a coldly calculated
13:54attempt to find appeal
13:55among the masses,
13:56thus snuffing out
13:57any spark of creativity,
13:58leaving the artist frustrated
14:00and the public deprived.
14:01Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
14:02You raised some valid points,
14:04Corny.
14:08But I know my son,
14:10and I'm sure
14:10he's thrilled
14:11with the job.
14:16Machine's hungry, kid.
14:17Got any fresh meat?
14:19Toaster,
14:19toothbrush, comb.
14:20I just want to go home.
14:23Perfect!
14:24Hits all the bases.
14:25You like it?
14:26How should I know?
14:27I'm the only one
14:28who's read it.
14:28We'll send it to R&D,
14:29they'll sample it,
14:30we'll get the test results back,
14:31then I'll tell you
14:32how it made me feel.
14:33Mr. Brittle,
14:34I appreciate everything
14:35you've done for me,
14:36but my poems
14:37don't feel like me anymore.
14:39I have to quit.
14:43Quit?
14:44You can't quit,
14:45you're irreplaceable.
14:46But that doesn't mean
14:47you can't be replaced.
14:48I made you,
14:49I own you.
14:49Before I came along,
14:50you're just another kid
14:51named after a cleanser.
14:52And more important,
14:53I own your family.
14:54Your father signed a contract,
14:56and if you try to break it,
14:57we'll take his home,
14:58his car, his business,
14:59and all the pretty things
14:59he's bought with your money.
15:01We'll put your family
15:01in the street.
15:02You'd do that?
15:03But why?
15:04What do you need me for?
15:06You could do this.
15:07Probably anyone can write.
15:09Unfortunately,
15:10I have proxiglossoriasis,
15:11a rare disease
15:12wherein occasionally,
15:13instead of the word
15:13I mean to say,
15:14I'll say the next word
15:15in the dictionary.
15:16Now you keep writing,
15:17or you and your whole family
15:19are going to be
15:20in big,
15:21big trough.
15:26I can't get my family
15:27in big, big trough.
15:29Got to stop
15:39those late-night
15:39butter-brickle knishes.
15:41Maybe a bromo
15:42and a falafel would help.
15:43warm hug straightened
15:56my earmuffs
15:56and got me through
15:58metal detector mornings.
15:59Ajax, son,
16:28are you okay?
16:29I was just wondering,
16:31is what I'm doing
16:32making you
16:33and the family hoppy?
16:34Are you kidding?
16:35Thanks to you
16:36and your poetry,
16:37we got more stuff now
16:38than we can shake
16:38a spear at.
16:41Something is wrong,
16:44isn't it, son?
16:45Is it the job?
16:47Isn't it everything
16:47you wanted it to be?
16:49Well, no.
16:51No?
16:52Why don't you tell me sooner?
16:53I'm your dad.
16:54I want to know these things
16:55so I can fix them.
16:55You can fix this?
16:56Of course I can.
16:58It's no good
16:58if you're not happy.
17:01Thanks, Dad.
17:02I should have known
17:02you'd help me.
17:03Don't give it
17:04another thought, son.
17:05I know exactly
17:06what needs to be done.
17:06First thing tomorrow,
17:07I'm going to march
17:08into Barry's office
17:09and demand
17:09that he does
17:10the right thing.
17:11Trust me.
17:12The boy isn't getting
17:13what he wants
17:14out of this job.
17:15And as his father,
17:16I've come down here
17:17to tell you
17:17there's only one thing
17:18to do.
17:19Put a big jar
17:20of M&Ms on his desk,
17:21just green ones,
17:21some Pez dispensers,
17:22assorted characters,
17:23and some pickup sticks.
17:24I don't think so.
17:26Okay, forget the pickup sticks.
17:28That was for me.
17:29Barilla, baby,
17:30the kid's not happy.
17:32And when he's not happy,
17:33take it from his pappy,
17:34the poems get crappy.
17:37Hey, not bad.
17:38No wonder the kid's
17:38such a natural.
17:39Listen,
17:40Dunkatola,
17:42getting what you want
17:43from a job
17:44is a quaint notion,
17:45but he has to understand
17:47the artistic benefits
17:48of research and development.
17:49Perhaps if you saw
17:50what I'm talking about.
17:55Um,
17:56would you turn around?
17:58New sphincter scan
17:59security device.
18:04You can turn back now.
18:10Hey, Bar,
18:11pretty sweet.
18:11You're on hard
18:12to get to,
18:12rec room for watching
18:13those special order videos
18:14without kids walking in
18:15and catching you
18:16with your...
18:16Quiet!
18:17Have you no sense of awe?
18:18This is it.
18:19Where all is answered,
18:19where the divine
18:20becomes real.
18:21Down here,
18:22you whisper.
18:25In this room,
18:26we gather,
18:26collate,
18:27and track all
18:28the research data.
18:29And over here,
18:29the object
18:30of our most devout worship,
18:32a focus group
18:33made up
18:33of ordinary consumers.
18:43Interesting cross-section.
18:45No wonder your products
18:45are so good.
18:46Isn't it beautiful?
18:47They're testing
18:48our new line
18:48of short attention span
18:50greeting cards.
18:51Mm-hmm.
18:53And these monitors
18:53are hooked up
18:54to major trailer parks
18:55around the country.
18:56What better place
18:57to learn what America wants?
18:59Mm-hmm.
19:00Oops.
19:01Okay.
19:01All right.
19:14What have you done?
19:17Our lifeblood stopped popping!
19:19Wow, me and supercomputers, huh?
19:21What am I gonna do?
19:23If we don't move ahead with this project today,
19:25it'll never make the shelves in time
19:26for all those fabricated special occasions
19:28we managed to establish as Cultural Doctrine.
19:30doctrine that approve the project you like it right and it's simple just trust
19:35the artist to have the talent and emotional connection with the audience
19:38you must have thought he had when you hired I really value your input but I
19:47think I'll consult the book making decisions making decisions aha rule
19:55number one when in doubt say no because if it fails and remember it always
20:00could it'll be your butt I'll do it I'll hew to the most noble tradition in
20:06American corporate life I vow from this moment on not to say yes to anything new
20:11original ever again meaning this possibly fresh and imaginative project is
20:17histrionic proxy gloss psoriasis huh well now that's behind us let's get back to
20:23the important stuff my son Ajax it's his project that I cancel huh and he's gone
20:28with it hey I'm getting better at tucking and rolling when I'm thrown out of
20:37buildings how will I tell Ajax I got him fired Ajax I I got something to tell you
20:44about what happened today dot before you say anything I want to thank you you said
20:49you'd get me out of that job and you did I did I mean right right right of course I
20:55didn't like I was saying I'm sorry I didn't lay down the law with that
20:58double-breasted dimwit earlier you're the best dot in the world thanks son I
21:02guess it proves there's only one thing in life that's really important what's that
21:09dot I have no idea son no idea at all maybe we could ask a focus group
21:18warm hugs straighten my earmuffs and got me through metal detector mornings and if
21:34never to be seen again you're in my air that's beautiful
21:40beautiful
22:10you
22:13you
22:17you
22:19you
22:21you
22:23you
22:27you
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