- 2 days ago
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00:00Oh, oh. Where am I? What's going on? Must remember. Think back, back, back, back.
00:14Oh, oh. Where am I? What's going on? Must remember. Think back, back, back, back, back.
00:21Must think back. A little farther, farther, farther.
00:25Hmm. Where am I? What's going on? Must remember. Think back, back, back, back. Must think back. A little farther, farther, farther.
00:37Hmm. Maybe volunteering for LSD research wasn't the best way out of the reserves.
00:42Wait. Now it's coming back to me. I was sitting in my office and there was this noise, some kind of static.
00:48It's almost like someone talking.
00:50And as I held her in my arms, her last breath of life escaping her lips, I vowed to keep Mother's promise and rededicate myself to helping humanity.
01:03Oh, sorry about that, Courtney, but whenever someone starts off with I never felt free to share this with anyone before, I'm into dial tone.
01:09So, 10.30 a.m., time to check out the cassavas on that fresh peach work in the fruit stand.
01:14Mr. Duckman, there's a mysterious man in a ski mask who'd like to see you in the closet at the dark end of the hall.
01:21Huh. Sounds innocent enough. I'm on my way. Well, not literally on my way, but I'm on the way to being on my way.
01:26Obviously, I couldn't be on my way if we're still talking about me being on the way.
01:29So if you two will quit yapping, I'll be on my way!
01:32Huh. Office help.
01:34I only stay for the dental. I only stay for the dental.
01:39Mr. Duckman, why'd you eviscerate us with a hot curling iron?
01:44It's Tuesday.
01:45Well, let's see. Whole closet. Whole closet.
01:48Oh, here we are.
01:49Welcome, Duckman. Care for a bubbling blue drink?
01:52Oh, gracias.
01:54Wait a minute. As a detective, I've spent years staying alive on my suspicions.
01:58What's the big idea? You just hang out in closets all day offering bubbling blue drinks to total strangers?
02:02Yes.
02:03I buy it.
02:04Of course, this isn't at all like on Rockford Files where the industrialist drug Jim because he was the identical twin of his missing brother.
02:10It's a completely different episode.
02:12Uh-huh.
02:13Well, look, I am.
02:15You stupid, clumsy, idiotic, braindead, yellow imbecile.
02:19Hey, wait. Hold on there, buddy.
02:22You really think I'm yellow? I've always seen myself as more a sallow ochre.
02:25Here, check the butt feathers.
02:27Yeah!
02:28Don't kill me, please! Don't kill me! I can give you things! I can give you...
02:40I can sing a little song.
02:44Now mute!
02:45What?
02:46Mute!
02:47Uh-huh!
02:48Excuse me, uh, Mr. Madman? You seem upset.
02:49Maybe because I am. Have you seen the world lately? I mean, really seen it? The hate, the violence, the random sex and debauchery?
03:02Actually, that last one's escaped my notice. If you could tell me where exactly to witness such...
03:07It's your fault! Yours!
03:09We'd already been driven to the brink of madness by years of irresponsible television, but now I, like the rest of the world, have been pushed over the edge by one series.
03:17Duck Man.
03:18Yes?
03:19Duck Man!
03:20Yes?
03:21Duck Man!
03:22The series is called Duck Man! Your life is the most immoral show of all time!
03:27But even who's the boss had that one where Tony lied about his bowling score, so what are you gonna do, hmm?
03:31Wait a minute! You're saying that I'm a TV show? Not that an adult series about a certain verbal and rakish Drake wouldn't be fascinating viewing.
03:39Maybe even get well-reviewed in papers like Newsday, Wall Street Journal, and Village Voice, then make a few top ten lists, and get an Emmy nomination.
03:46Look, I'm a person, not a TV show. I have a job, a family, a membership to the Suppository of the Month Club.
03:52And I have another theory about what you think. You have a few too many birds on your antenna.
03:57Am I crazy because I'm the one viewer in America courageous enough to act?
04:01Do you expect me to sit around doing nothing, like little Timmy just before he hit his head on that rock and Lassie's locked up in the pound but she gets the key from a cat who pushes it under the door?
04:09Oh, where are my manners? Harry Medfly, currently unemployed TV critic.
04:14Duck Man, currently tied up detective.
04:16I know who you are. You're part of the reason this country's a grim, grizzly pit of eels.
04:21Did you know there were over 500 murders in this country the week after the Terminator aired?
04:25How about the week before?
04:26500? But that's not the point. I didn't knock you out, kidnap you, and threaten you with a knife to argue about violence.
04:32Okie dokie, starting to get the picture here. What say I promise to stop being a TV show, take you to Big Lance's Rubber Novelties and Woo Woo Lounge, get you 10% off all appliances, and we call it Square.
04:42Change channels, change channels. You don't believe me, do you? It's time to see what I'm talking about.
04:48So close to the company, so on.
04:52We've got to be able to be able to go.
04:54And my credit card, let's go see what I'm talking about.
04:57We've got to be able to watch kids in the beginning.
04:59And we have to be able to catch them all.
05:01Yeah.
05:02I'm losing my credit card.
05:04I'm not losing my credit card.
05:06I'm losing my credit card too much.
05:09I'm losing my credit card.
05:11Okay, Medfly, what was that?
05:27What are my family and friends doing in it?
05:28Are they in danger too?
05:29And most important, who was that luscious piece of tail walking by in the beginning?
05:34It's my duty to expurgate you from the airwaves along with everything else that degrades and demeans humanity.
05:38Expurgate? As in, gave lots of money to?
05:41As in, cancel, get rid of, send into eternal oblivion where people will never see or hear the name Duckman ever again.
05:49You mean put me on cable?
05:50No, I mean kill you.
06:06I came as soon as I heard Duckman was missing.
06:08Me too. But then I got a little worried.
06:12Kids, I'll need your help in locating your father.
06:15Dodd's missing? Then who's this?
06:19Hey, Jax, that's my kickboxing workout bag.
06:21Oh, that would explain his lackluster presentation at father-son night.
06:27I need you to remember his exact movements during the last two days.
06:30Well, when he got home Friday, he went to the TV.
06:34Then he went to the bathroom.
06:35Then he came back to the TV.
06:37Then he went to the bathroom.
06:38First thing Saturday, he watched TV.
06:41After going to the bathroom.
06:42Thanks. I'm beginning to sense a pattern.
06:45Given that police organizations are woefully overburdened and that every minute counts in the first 24 hours of a victim's disappearance,
06:51I suggest we undertake our own demanding and difficult investigation, beginning with interviews of anyone who's spoken to or seen your father during the past two years,
06:58combined with a systematic survey of all emergency care facilities within a 50-mile radius and a door-to-door canvassing of the city.
07:05We have nachos.
07:07It can wait.
07:07Don't you see?
07:09TV's sole reason to exist is to sell products.
07:12Crime pays as long as you have a sponsor.
07:15This guy's bug house.
07:18It's time to use the old reverse psychology.
07:21You're right, Medfly.
07:22I am the reason TV's become a cesspool of decay and degradation.
07:27Get rid of me and all the world's problems will disappear.
07:29Okay.
07:30Damn.
07:31He's good.
07:32Look, Medfly, if this is the end, I just have one teeny tiny little request.
07:36What did you have in mind?
07:37To slip into something more comfortable.
07:39Say, uh, Sharon Stone.
07:41Ha-ha!
07:41You see?
07:42You see?
07:42You think of women as nothing more than a collection of anonymous body parts.
07:46What are you talking about?
07:47I think of women as breasts, legs, and butts.
07:49What's anonymous about that?
07:50Anyway, who says lusting and plotting 10, 12 hours a day to brush up against them is a crime?
07:54The Supreme Court.
07:55Ha-ha, yeah.
07:56Like they're in charge of interpreting the law for the whole country.
08:00Come on, Medfly.
08:01Sex is a normal part of life.
08:02It's healthy.
08:03Birds do it.
08:04Bees do it.
08:04Even...
08:05No, wait.
08:06They eat their young.
08:07But the point is, so I like sex.
08:09It's not like I go overboard with it.
08:10Oh, no.
08:12Shazam!
08:13Lady!
08:13Those things real and did you have to pay to make a point that way?
08:16Uh, sorry.
08:17I didn't hear you.
08:17I was staring at your breasts.
08:19I look at breasts.
08:20Yeah, and I, uh, I'm a detective.
08:22But mainly the breast thing.
08:26Come in, come in.
08:27I'm Duckman, and this is Hooters.
08:29I mean, corn-fed.
08:30So, eat to please you.
08:32Plead to beat you.
08:33Sorry, just a little horny.
08:34Tired?
08:35Tired this morning.
08:35A little tired.
08:36Hum-a-hum-a-ha-wah.
08:37It's times like this, I wish I had a penis.
08:40Can we get you anything?
08:41D cup of coffee?
08:42Duckman.
08:42Duckman with a D.
08:43In fact, PhD.
08:44Loveology.
08:44Perhaps you'd care to stay after class while I grade on your curves?
08:47Look, the traffic chopper's sky bay.
08:48Hey, mama!
08:50How about landing on my zero-niner?
08:52I'll wear a windsock.
08:53Hey, nurse!
08:54I got a thermometer that'll make you bedridden for a week.
08:57Where you going?
08:58It's time for my exam, see?
09:00I'm turning my head and coughing.
09:02Ah-ha!
09:02Ah-ha!
09:02Now it's your turn, nurse!
09:04Nursie!
09:05What?
09:06How?
09:07Where'd you get that stuff?
09:08You must have had hidden cameras everywhere!
09:10In my home, in my office, even in my...
09:13Hmm.
09:14No wonder that itch cream never worked.
09:15Oh, this is even more tiresome than all those endless reruns of your first 13 episodes.
09:21You know where I got those clips.
09:22I taped them off television.
09:24But then, that would mean...
09:26Yes, yes, yes!
09:28You are a television series!
09:32Actually, I was gonna say you know how to program a VCR.
09:34What's the secret?
09:35Eegad!
09:37How can one person be so oblivious, insensitive, hateful, tactless, boorish, and ill-tempered to everyone he meets?
09:45It's a gift?
09:47Grrr.
09:48Okay, so I've had an off day or two.
09:50Day or two?
09:52Ew, refresh me.
09:54Middle fingers straight up mean I left her in the state!
09:57You parked in a handicapped space.
09:59So what?
09:59No one ever notices.
10:00Except the people who are supposed to park there, and hell, I can outrun them any day.
10:03Hey!
10:04Rickshaw!
10:05Let's spring roll into action!
10:06My eggful youngins and me need a ride, chop-chop!
10:09What is this, the year of the snail?
10:11She's got a face that would scatter a leopard colony!
10:14You know, like those really ugly broids who are always yelling about equal rights when all they really need is a little honey in their hives?
10:19Long-haired, fat-bellied, goofy, tattooed, 60s throwback village people wannabe biker freak?
10:23Mantra chanting, incense-breathing, herbs-sucking yahoos, brainless knuckle-dragging bohunks, cheese-eating, cocoa-guzzling yodelers, thin-skinned, no-humored pansy, dim-bolt melonhead, mindless pod people, magical mystery turd, dancing queen, dipstick, sushi sucker, butthead!
10:37What the hell are you staring at?
10:39What the hell are you staring at?
10:41What the hell are you staring at?
10:43What the hell are you staring at?
10:44What the hell are you staring at?
10:46What the hell are you staring at?
10:48What the hell are you staring at?
10:50What the hell are you staring at?
10:52Wait!
10:53This isn't fair!
10:54You just took a bunch of comets out of context and strung them together to make me look rotten!
10:58Snappy editing, though.
10:59All right, look, so I have a little attitude.
11:01I'm a detective. All the great detectives.
11:03Great? You think you're great?
11:05Great-ing. I may have said great-ing.
11:07Let's have a look.
11:08If you want to track her down, why not use your detective skills?
11:11Don't toy with me, Cornfit. Why the hell would I want to rely on those?
11:14I believe someone is trying to kill me.
11:18Do you have any proof?
11:19This note!
11:21Hey, Dr. Milo, I'm trying to kill you.
11:22Nothing more definite?
11:23Want to learn something? Do exactly as I do?
11:26Imitate my every move.
11:29I found a gun.
11:30Probably a toy.
11:35And a knife.
11:37Proves nothing.
11:40And this bomb.
11:42I get these every day.
11:46You're sure putting a lot of faith in these, uh, what'd you call them again?
11:49Clues.
11:50Yeah, right.
11:52This was not a murder.
11:53Now, put down that gun. You're my wife. Don't shoot.
11:57I can't hear myself. Thanks.
11:59Got any more of those glues?
12:00Clues.
12:01I'm one letter off. Crucify me!
12:03I still don't get it.
12:04How did you get all this stuff?
12:06And all from my bad side?
12:08You remind me of the beaver.
12:10Oh, a TV reference.
12:15Now, where was I?
12:17Either about to snuff out your life or make a bowl of popcorn.
12:21Oh, well. No losses. I can't do both.
12:23How do you like it cooked?
12:24Air popped or canola oil?
12:26Canola oils for cooking?
12:27KZRC is my million-dollar station.
12:43Corny! It's me! I've been kidnapped!
12:45Damn it.
12:46Doug Man, good thing you called. Tell me where he's hiding you.
12:49In his secret hideout.
12:51This is going to be a difficult conversation.
12:54I need to have some idea of your location.
12:56Do you hear any distinctive noises, no matter how small and insignificant, coming from the outside?
13:01Nothing that'd help.
13:13Yike!
13:13Uh, hello, all my children, Hotline?
13:15I missed today's show. What happened?
13:17You shouldn't have done that, Duck Man.
13:20Prepare to die.
13:22Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
13:25Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
13:30Don't you hate it when they do that right before a commercial?
13:37I know what you're thinking, but this has nothing to do with the fact that my column just got dropped
13:41and my wife just left me taking my Franklin Mint clown plate collection.
13:45Oh, well.
13:46Gaze one last time upon yourself, Duck Man.
13:50Before you're permanently removed from the schedule.
13:53No! No! No!
13:56Horrible, isn't it?
13:57Yeah, I am, Yellow.
13:59Off we go.
14:00Don't kill me. Please, please, please, please!
14:03There are people who need me, who depend on me for their livelihoods.
14:06Fluffy, Uranish, corn fed.
14:08Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
14:12Sorry, just thought of something funny I saw on Family Matters.
14:14That Urkel cracks me up.
14:16Now as for your employees.
14:18There's something you should know, Duck Man.
14:19I've never told you because I'm a little sensitive about it.
14:23I'm a virgin.
14:24I'm a...Duck Man.
14:29And I...
14:29Insignificant.
14:30Haha!
14:31Stay out of this!
14:33Haha!
14:34I'm fascin'!
14:36Woohoo!
14:37Excuse me.
14:38I'm beginning to annoy me.
14:40Unbelievable!
14:41Yell!
14:42Woohoo!
14:43Excuse me.
14:45No it's the yand'sty!
14:46Haha!
14:47No bofferino!
14:49Excuse me.
14:50Never nailed the hammer on the head!
14:53Woohoo!
14:54Bacon breath, bacon fat, spam for brains, parib, ham, head, pork rinds, clove foot, moron!
14:59Moron!
15:02Fluffy! Uranus!
15:04My tube favorite!
15:06Whatever you was!
15:29Oh!
15:31Ah!
15:32Ah!
15:33Ah!
15:34Ah!
15:35Ah!
15:36Ah!
15:37Ah!
15:38Ah!
15:39Ah!
15:40Ah!
15:41Ah!
15:42Ah!
15:43Ah!
15:44Ah!
15:45Ah!
15:46Ah!
15:47Ah!
15:48Ah!
15:49So that's where I am.
15:50The old used piñata and plastic phone tab warehouse.
15:53Wait!
15:54Medfly!
15:55There's just one more thing I have to say in my defense.
15:58Maybe I am a little rough around the edges.
16:00Maybe I could be a little more tactful when it comes to dealing with women.
16:03Co-workers.
16:04Service food handlers.
16:05Census takers.
16:06The sheet metal workers union.
16:07People who bought Kathie Lee's CD of Christmas songs.
16:10Small, high-strung, butt-ugly dogs.
16:12Kids with really funny birthmarks on their faces.
16:14Peppers, trekkers, boomers, buppies, slackers.
16:16What is your point?!
16:19My point!
16:20Besides using a cheap and shameless ploy to buy time,
16:22is that despite all that,
16:24you can't say I don't love my family!
16:28Why do I give them these setups?
16:31Ya lycra-clad, cauldron-stirring, cackling old war-dog!
16:34Ah!
16:35Ah!
16:36Ah!
16:37Ah!
16:38Ah!
16:39Ah!
16:40Ah!
16:41Ah!
16:42Ah!
16:43Ah!
16:44Ah!
16:45Ah!
16:46Ah!
16:47Ah!
16:48Ah!
16:49Ah!
16:50Ah!
16:51Ah!
16:52Ah!
16:53Ah!
16:54Ah!
16:55Ah!
16:56Ah!
16:57Ah!
16:58Ah!
16:59Ah!
17:00Ah!
17:01Ah!
17:02Ah!
17:03Ah!
17:04Ah!
17:05Ah!
17:06Ah!
17:07Ah!
17:08Ah!
17:09Ah!
17:10Ah!
17:11Ah!
17:12Ah!
17:13Ah!
17:14Ah!
17:15Ah!
17:16Ah!
17:17Ah!
17:18Ah!
17:19Ah!
17:20Ah!
17:21Ah!
17:22Ah!
17:23We go
17:33There you are duck man
17:35Cable ready when I switch on this TV the signal from that dish will go straight to you the force of
17:42500 soul-destroying channels frying the second favorite part of your body
17:47Well, I don't like the sound of it, but I guess I can do without my right hand. I meant your brain
17:52Potsy now you'll know what it feels like to be force-fed the filth that TV passes off as entertainment
17:58That holds a pervo like you up as a role model role model. Hey, I'm a waterfowl
18:04I'm not a TV show even if I were any halfway intelligent audience would know
18:09I'm not someone to imitate who'd aspire to be someone who's gotten the stuffing knocked out of him so many times
18:13The only reason he gets up in the morning is because either he's really stupid or somewhere deep down inside beats the heart of a
18:20Disappointed it's still hopeful idealist a yellow. Yes, yellow teller of truth
18:25Who's a spokesperson for the silent masses who'd love to tell it like it is who's an idol to be emulated nay a god
18:33to be bowed down to
18:37But yeah, I'm not a role model say good night Gracie
18:41That tickles bang zoom down a moon Alice
18:50That's one giant step
18:52Be me up scotty
18:54Submitted for your approval right here on our stage nano nano
18:59Hey
19:00Hey
19:01Oh
19:03Well, go away
19:05Miss Brooks
19:06Mr. Wilson
19:07Mr. Grand
19:09Lassie
19:10Hey, Anami
19:11Hello, Newman
19:12Did the name Ruby Begonia strike a familiar note?
19:15Good evening
19:16Just a guess but it appears that an insane media critic kidnapped Duck Manon is trying to reduce his cerebral cortex to marmalade by overloading it with a super abundance of American television from the last 50 years
19:31Hmm nice reception
19:33He's almost gone destroyed turned into the same non-thinking lifeless shell all viewers will become because of television TV is everywhere
19:44It's everything nothing can save us from its relentless pitiless all-powerful control nothing actually there is one thing
19:56Oh my TV you turned off my TV
20:01Book him Dano while most people would go for the easy Jack web comparison. I always considered Jack lowered my spiritual forerunner
20:08Cornfed how'd you find me accident I was taking the family to buy a pinata and phone tabs
20:14It doesn't make any sense. Why did you rescue him? He treats you like the sand in Gilligan's briefs
20:20He's my partner
20:21He's our father
20:23I have no excuse
20:25But you're violating the show's premise
20:27He thinks I'm the star of a TV series called Duck Man
20:30He taped my life forced me to watch the bad parts
20:33He didn't record the good times like when I brought you guys home a new stereo system that just happened to fall off that truck
20:38Hey, Mr. Demented bug-eyed but strangely compelling in that off be kind of way kidnapper
20:43We're no TV show. We're real. We're flawed just because we're not a 27-inch picture-perfect family doesn't mean we don't
20:54Gosh you're the bestest family a guy ever had
20:58Damn half-hour format. I should have known there'd be a happy ending
21:03You call this happy?
21:04I'll be back Duck Man
21:06You'll see I'll be a recurring villain every fifth or sixth episode after people get tired of King Chicken
21:11I'm better looking more intelligent
21:13I have a higher TV queue
21:15Can you imagine Duck Man's life a TV show?
21:18I'd rather watch fungus grow on toilet bowls
21:20You're in luck Aunt Bernice
21:22Tonight on a very special episode of Walker, Texas Ranger
21:26Dad if your life was a TV series then this would have been one of those shows full of clips and highlights
21:32Which is a cheesy ploy foisted upon the viewing public to save money by doing less original production
21:38Charles, Mamba! That would be despicable
21:41What kind of cynical anything for a buck sleazoids would have me kidnapped and tortured for the sake of a cheap tired creatively bankrupt clip show?
22:09Don't lose my money
22:10You're welcome
22:11I'll be right back to this then
22:12I'll be right back to this time
22:13This time is due to a crash
22:14I had a new attack
22:15I'd rather pick up a couple of things
22:16Oh, I can see
22:18I got it
22:19I can see
22:20A bit more them
22:21No, it's time
22:22I'm a boy
22:23I don't really want it
22:24I can see
22:25A bit more you
22:26Don't lose
22:27What kind of a boy
22:28What kind of a boy
22:29Is that the boy
22:32You
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