- 5 hours ago
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00:00I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
00:30Dad, we're hungry!
00:41And there's nothing to eat around here!
00:43Ah, pipe down!
00:44Your infernice is gone for one week,
00:46and you kids have done nothing but complain!
00:48Dad, I smell the gas leak.
00:49Dad, I need the Heimlich maneuver.
00:50Dad, I see a strange knife-wielding man
00:52in a hockey mask outside my bedroom window.
00:55Nothing to eat.
00:57As if the basic food groups aren't included
00:58somewhere in this pile.
01:00Let's see, you got your salts, your fats,
01:02your lavenders, your cottage cheese,
01:03or possibly your very old lunch meat,
01:05your small flightless birds.
01:06The flavored underwear is mine!
01:08Could you at least cut us down from here?
01:11You know, Dad, Aunt Bernice does return today.
01:15You might want to tidy up a bit.
01:17Ha!
01:18Like I'm scared of that iron-pumping,
01:20steroid-popping, sideshow-attraction cow!
01:22I'll clean this house up
01:24when I'm damn good and ready!
01:25Ah!
01:26Starting by giving this light bulb
01:28a good spit-shine!
01:30Oh, me old babino car-ro!
01:34Me piache bello!
01:39Any chance that was a death rattle?
01:41Oh, life is just a ceramic container
01:44with non-lead glaze
01:45filled with organically grown
01:47bing cherries!
01:50Ha, ha, ha!
01:51Sushi night.
01:52Doc, man, don't worry your furry little tubular-shaped head
01:55about the mess.
01:56It's nothing an army of civil engineers,
01:57some dynamite,
01:58than a little lemon pledge
01:59can't handle!
02:01There's Grandmama!
02:03Doc, man, am I to understand
02:05that once again
02:06you misplaced Grandmama
02:07for the entire weekend?
02:09Certainly not!
02:10I knew she was somewhere
02:11near the coffee grounds.
02:13Look, what happened was...
02:14You were busy with all your other projects.
02:16I understand perfectly,
02:17you incurable worker.
02:19Be you!
02:22Bernice,
02:23I don't know why this isn't a good thing,
02:24but you aren't yourself.
02:26Now, a lesser person
02:27might take this opportunity
02:28to trick you into cashing in your Keo plan
02:30and handing all the money over to him
02:31so he could spend it
02:32in one glorious shopping spree
02:33Guillermo's foot fetish emporium.
02:37But it's my role
02:38as head of the household
02:39to feign concern.
02:40Did something happen to you
02:41over the weekend?
02:42Yes!
02:43A thousand times yes!
02:45I fell in love!
02:48You remember I won
02:49the schpitzing
02:50to the oldies contest.
02:51First prize,
02:52a trip to the luxurious
02:53Casa del Gordo health spa,
02:55where the obscenely wealthy
02:56can lose those pesky love handles
02:58in a setting of starving
02:59third world types.
03:01I was asked to be
03:02a guest aerobics instructor
03:03because of my firm belief
03:04in positive reinforcement techniques.
03:13Then I saw him
03:14from across the room
03:15and was instantly transformed
03:18into a flirtatious
03:19little schoolgirl.
03:21Hey!
03:21You in the mortician outfit,
03:23you just gonna stand there
03:24until your butt's big enough
03:25for a trailer hitch?
03:26You're a little bunny.
03:34A little bunny?
03:35A little bunny-wunny.
03:38Ittle-wittle bunny-wunny?
03:40An itsy-bitsy
03:42ittle-wittle bunny-wunny.
03:46Class dismissed!
03:48Although we only knew each other
03:53a short time,
03:54we found so much
03:55to talk about.
03:57You're a pokey-wokey.
03:59An ittle-wittle pokey-wokey?
04:01A yummy, scrummy,
04:02ittle-wittle pokey-wokey.
04:06On our last day,
04:07he told me he was
04:08a self-made billionaire.
04:10Then he asked the question
04:11when a woman waits
04:12all her life to hear.
04:14How would you like
04:15to host your very own
04:16infomercial?
04:19Duckman, I feel like
04:21a new woman.
04:22Me too.
04:23Unfortunately,
04:24I'm about ten bucks short.
04:26You are so cute
04:28when you're smarmy
04:29and repugnant.
04:32I left some phlegm
04:33in your crisper.
04:35Otherwise,
04:35an uneventful couple of days.
04:40You need eggs.
04:41Look, Bernice,
04:45I hate to prick your balloon.
04:46Duckman,
04:47I believe the phrase
04:47is burst your bubble.
04:48I know.
04:49I just like to say prick
04:50whenever I can.
04:51Prick.
04:52Prick, prick, prick.
04:53Prick, prick, prick, prick, prick.
04:54However, I digress.
05:13I got news for you, Bernice.
05:14Your Prince Charmless is a fraud.
05:17If I had a nickel for every time I tried to lathering up a lady by telling her I was a billionaire,
05:21I'd be a billionaire.
05:23Whoa!
05:23Duckman, you cynical mistrustful assume the worst about everyone wretch.
05:28Don't you think I went through his wallet to get a look at some ID?
05:31The man is Baron Von Dilwade.
05:34Never heard of him.
05:36You've never heard of Baron Von Dilwade, the gigabillionaire entrepreneur?
05:40He developed a new home shopping network, BVD, where America shops in its underwear.
05:46My goody-oody-woody wants me to help sell his new piece of marketing genius.
05:52The world's most portable exercise system.
05:55He calls it the Rubber Sizer.
05:58He can call it Aunt Jemima for all I care.
06:01It doesn't make it a fat black woman with a bandana on her head.
06:03It's a rubber band, Bernice!
06:05What's next? You gonna tell me it comes with an instruction manual?
06:10Yes.
06:12Dad, are you okay?
06:13Yeah, fine. Fine.
06:15All the pointy little shards of glass broke my fall.
06:19Ajax!
06:20Oh, what have I told you about sleeping with Mr. Orange Rind?
06:23Were you okay while I was gone?
06:25Splendid, Aunt Bernice.
06:27I subsisted quite nicely on the bean soup you left in that large terrine in the room with the sink and the shower.
06:33That's the bathroom, dear.
06:35Oh.
06:36I couldn't help but overhear that you met Baron Von Dilwade, the visionary who gave us liver upper,
06:41the easy-to-use home insertion device for that bothersome hepatitis B.
06:45The man's a deep well of ideas.
06:48Just last week, I started wearing the skin-tight inflatable neck brace I ordered from his network.
06:53Ajax, those have all been recalled.
06:55They squeeze the carotid artery and restrict blood flow to the occipital lobe.
06:59Have you been noticing any unusual side effects?
07:02But not so much anymore.
07:09Well, I bid you adieu now.
07:14If anyone needs me, I'll be... surprised.
07:17Careful with that! You could put someone's eye out!
07:23Wow! What page of the instruction manual is that on?
07:26I didn't want to break this to the boys right away, Duckman.
07:29But since I care much less for your feelings, this isn't just an infomercial for the rubber sizer I'm hosting.
07:35It's the world's first info wedding!
07:38And guess who's the bride?
07:40This Saturday, Baron Von Dilwade and I are getting married!
07:45Bernice, why would anyone want to marry a virtual stranger and leave the family she's come to...
07:51Be right back.
07:53Hate to see you go, Bernice. I'm puddling up just thinking about it.
07:56But hey, toss a wedding invite this way.
07:59I promise not to ralph up tequila shots in the punch bowl like I did at my wedding.
08:02You're so cute when you're a hateful, two-faced, and self-involved.
08:07And I haven't even told you the best part yet.
08:09Grandmama and I are moving with Dilly to his home in Switzerland,
08:13and we're taking the boys with us!
08:25Where was I?
08:27Oh, right, yeah, losing my kids.
08:29Bernice, I can't believe you're trying to give my boys to some loser with a bloated bankroll
08:33who owns some network nobody cares about.
08:35Stop the inanity! Call now and we'll sell you something for $10!
08:39I got you! Get me a phone!
08:42The resurgence of theater is just a pipe dream, isn't it?
08:47Excuse me, this is a private matter between a man and his bidet.
08:52Fine. So a few other people have heard of him.
09:00That doesn't make him good enough to be a father to my children.
09:02I hope you don't mind a bit of constructive criticism, Duckman,
09:05but those kids would be better off with a pack of rabid baboons than with you.
09:08We proved that wasn't true, Bernice!
09:10Even if Ajax does still get a valentine from the dominant female every year.
09:14Okay, then. What grade are the twins in?
09:16Uh, by twins, you mean the ones who look alike?
09:19What color is Ajax's hair?
09:22What? You're putting a time limit on it, too?
09:25How about their dog? When was Gekko's last rabies shot?
09:27Ha! It was right after the last time Charles and McKimbo bit her.
09:30Their names are Charles and Mambo, Duckman, and Gekko is a him.
09:34Not since he peed in my slippers this morning.
09:37Maybe you and Dilly should meet and talk about this.
09:40Not that it'll matter. My ootsie-wootsie-tootsie, what's those boys?
09:44And he does tend to get what he wants.
09:49Tell him if he tries to leave,
09:51my foot soldiers will march up and down the boulevard
09:53until he's weeded out and destroyed!
09:55Father knows what it cost me to get him in that nursing home!
09:59Minty Treat?
10:01Someone from an extremely distant tax breaker to see you, sir.
10:04Call when you're finished. I'll rescue and show you to the door.
10:08So, you must be...
10:10Duckman!
10:11Duckman, yes, I suppose you'd know.
10:13Ah, my 220.
10:15Ten minutes to talk about where your children will spend the rest of their lives.
10:18Bernice speaks very highly of you.
10:20Really?
10:21No, that was an empty pleasantry.
10:22Why don't we use eight of your minutes to look around my office?
10:25This, of course, is my legacy.
10:27I've employed the best and the brightest to work day and night
10:30in my quest to tie into the national consciousness.
10:33Scientists, researchers, computer geniuses, you do understand what this means.
10:38Some of the great minds of our time are spending their lives making it easier for people to shop?
10:42Well, yes, and more.
10:45You're looking at the future.
10:47Soon, we'll be able to do everything from the comfort of our sofas, avoiding the unnecessary bother of dealing with other people.
10:54Save it for your shrink, Mr. Rubber Band Man.
10:56I'm here to talk about the future of my kids.
10:58No way you're going to Switzerland with those boys.
11:00I absolutely refuse to let you turn them into a bunch of cheese-eating, cocoa-guzzling yodelers.
11:05They'll have nice watches.
11:06Hmm.
11:07Well, that is nice.
11:08Can you say everyone in the family would get one?
11:10I have no interest in taking your children, per se.
11:13My only desire is to give Bernice whatever she wants.
11:16Starting with those cojones, eh?
11:21Four.
11:23You have to applaud the man that came up with this whole insurance concept.
11:26Believe me, those children will have everything a child of their generation could ever need.
11:31The finest therapists, parole officers, and rehab centers money can buy.
11:35Money! Money! Money!
11:37Is that what it's all about?
11:38The real question is, what are you planning to do with all your money?
11:41Make more money.
11:42And with that money?
11:43Make more money.
11:44And with that money?
11:45Make more money.
11:46Don, I thought I could trip them up on a less-than-noble life's ambition.
11:50Hmm.
11:51Well, you don't even know my boys.
11:52How do you know they'd even be interested in living a life like yours in a house like this?
11:56Actually, this is my car.
11:59Well, guzzles, gas, but I only have to change the decor every 12,000 miles.
12:03Got its own airbag, too.
12:05Pardon me?
12:06What?
12:07Oh, I, uh, I said, what's that there, uh, ragu?
12:10Good save.
12:11Look, Dilweed.
12:12You think basking in unbridled luxury with all life's advantages is really what's best for the children?
12:17Ha, ha.
12:18He, he, he.
12:20Well, never mind.
12:21The point is, we should leave it up to the boys to decide who they want to live with.
12:24A complete stranger, or the father who brought them life.
12:27Hey, kids!
12:28Picked you up a little something on the way home!
12:29Hey, kids!
12:30Picked you up a little something on the way home!
12:31Say, kids, picked you up a little something on the way home.
12:36All right!
12:37Oh, bum and scrub!
12:38Oh, bum and scrub!
12:39Next week, I'll get you a championship franchise.
12:40Skip the maloo, skip the maloo, skip the maloo, my darlin'.
12:41Eat my jet-spray pittets!
12:42What's this do?
12:43Boys, remember our little chat about knocking limbs off national monuments?
12:48Bernice, they're only kids once.
12:50Oh.
12:51Oh.
12:52Oh.
12:53Oh.
12:54Oh.
12:55Oh.
12:56Oh.
12:57Oh.
12:58Oh.
12:59Oh.
13:00Oh.
13:01Oh.
13:02Oh.
13:03Oh.
13:04Oh.
13:05Oh.
13:06Oh.
13:07Oh.
13:08Oh.
13:09Oh.
13:10Oh.
13:11Oh.
13:12Well, what the hell are you staring at?
13:13We heard about Bernice's wedding, Mr. Duckman.
13:16And we'd love to help out any way we can.
13:19Good.
13:20You can be the rice.
13:21Mr. Duckman!
13:24Hee hee.
13:25Hee hee hee.
13:26Newt.
13:27I'm desperate, Corny!
13:29Bernice is marrying that billionaire in two days, and they're determined to take the
13:32kids to live with them in Switzerland.
13:34What would you do?
13:35Apply all my powers of concentration and put forth a heroic and single-minded effort to find statutory
13:39and or emotional grounds to get them to stay.
13:41If you were me?
13:42Oh.
13:43Buy them snowshoes and kiss them goodbye.
13:45There you are, duckman!
13:48You caught me at a bad time, Bernice.
13:50I'm here.
13:51You are so cute when you're being a social lubricant!
13:55I just came by to tell you that this competition between you and Dilly is totally unnecessary.
14:00It is?
14:01I knew you'd come to your senses!
14:03I knew you wouldn't break the bond between a father and his children!
14:06I didn't have to.
14:07Dilly's lawyers are going to do it for me.
14:08They found a minor piece of boilerplate in Beatrice's will.
14:11Oh, fellas!
14:16These gentlemen are from the firm of Dahmer, Manson, Gacy, and Bundy.
14:19Set the electron probate microscope to loophole.
14:34Well, now that that's all cleared up, we'll see you at the wedding Saturday.
14:37Go to your wedding?
14:38I'd rather get a high colonic with a hot poker.
14:41Okay, but if you have time after, be sure to pop by.
14:44Oh, Cornfed!
14:45Since you're like one of the family, Dilly and I were wondering if you'd do a few hours of karaoke at our reception.
14:51What are you trying to do, Bernice?
14:53First you come between me and my children, now me and my partner?
14:56Cornfed and I are inseparable.
14:58We're a team, like Astaire and Rogers, Lewis and Clark, Norman Bates!
15:03Anyway, we have a bond that can never be broken.
15:06Isn't that right, partner?
15:08Huh?
15:09I was thinking my tribute to Liza.
15:11If you're not committed to karaoke, I do a Jello Biafra meets Lerner and Lowe kind of thing.
15:16And so, needing to uncover something unsavory about Dillweed in order to hold on to his children, Duckman rededicated himself to becoming a good detective by going back to his detective school roots.
15:43His investigation left no stone unturned, along the way uncovering something called the Ark of the Covenant, someone called the Lindbergh Baby, and the secret ingredients to spam.
16:02Ooh!
16:03But as for Dillweed, nothing incriminating could be found.
16:09The only mistake Duckman could turn up was an attempted hostile takeover of Popeyes.
16:14Dillweed thought he was getting a chicken franchise, when in fact it was a glass eye factory, and he ended up with millions of glass eyeballs he couldn't give away.
16:22Whoa!
16:23Welcome back to the world's first infomercial wedding.
16:29Now, Lori, do I understand from our unrehearsed girlfriend, Chad, that you use the rubber sizer, too?
16:37I've tried everything from purging to tapeworms, and the rubber sizer not only worked better, it added gorgeous highlights to my hair.
16:47Dion?
16:48Well, Benee secured my piles.
16:50I'd love to stay and continue this spontaneous discussion with my close, personal friends, but it's almost time for Wedded Bliss.
16:58Stop the inanity and call now for the amazing new rubber sizer!
17:03Must have to wrap it pretty tight to make it an effective birth control.
17:08Plus, you could put someone's eye out.
17:14That's it.
17:15It's over.
17:16I'll never see my kids again.
17:18Wait a minute.
17:19Never see again?
17:20Put someone's eye out?
17:22That's it!
17:23That's why he's doing it!
17:24But how?
17:25What are my clues?
17:26There must be something from Detective School that can help me.
17:27Maybe something my professor said.
17:29Dukman!
17:30Are you doing one of those bird scrambles instead of studying again?
17:34Word scramble?
17:36I got it!
17:39Now that Mackie's back in town, look out, old Mackie is back.
17:48Thank you very much.
17:51Dearly beloved, we gather today in the sight of our target audience,
17:55skewed 28 to 45 with double fixed income, to join these two in holy matrimony.
18:00Do you, Bernice, take this charismatic and recently featured on the cover of People Magazine billionaire
18:04to be your lawfully wedded husband?
18:06We'll find out if she does in a moment.
18:10First, wedding gifts are still available on your touchstone phones.
18:13Operators are standing by.
18:15And remember, with BVD, a personal relationship with the bride and groom is no longer a necessity.
18:22And now, the sacred moment.
18:25Get to the identity!
18:26Stop the wedding!
18:27Dukman!
18:28You've been hornswoggled, bamboozled, jollyknockered!
18:32Cheated, okay?
18:33Dillweed's cheating you by getting you to buy a dangerous ten dollar rubber band.
18:38And why, you ask?
18:39What possible motive could he have?
18:41The same motive everyone has in the end.
18:43A dire need to create a desperate, one-eyed society in order to peddle a warehouse full of surplus eyeballs.
18:49Thought again?
18:50This is preposterous!
18:52I'll pay someone to badly hurt this man!
18:55Wait!
18:56He's been doing it all with the products on this network, through the evil of subliminal advertising.
19:00It's his slogan!
19:02When you rearrange the letters, look what it spells!
19:04And that's not all!
19:07Stop the inanity also spells, it ain't honest!
19:10Uh, what do you do with the Y and the P?
19:13And there's more!
19:14If you rearrange the letters in Baron Von Dillweed, you'll find it spells Ruvnand Ildweeb!
19:22Okay, they're starting to lose their punch, but the fact remains that he doesn't care about you!
19:26He only cares about creating a completely impersonal and technology-driven world, where people don't need people!
19:31And people who don't need people are the-
19:34One thing I haven't figured out! Do it! If you care so little about people and relationships, why work so hard you're gonna wipe and catch?
19:47Money! You ignorant strip of dental floss! My accountant told me the image of husband and father would make me more palatable to my shareholders!
19:56What?! You told me you were marrying me because I reminded you of your mother!
20:02That and the way I split coconuts with my thighs!
20:07My eye! You put my eye out with that!
20:10Think of it as one less glass eye you have to unload!
20:17All right, Dad! We were hoping you'd find a way to rescue us!
20:21Yeah! You were always our favorite! We never planned on going with him anyway!
20:29You know how it is some days! You wake up feeling neutral and you want to make a statement!
20:34Congratulations, Duckman! You dug deep down inside, and in order to keep your children, became the detective you've always dreamed of becoming!
20:42In fact, it reminds me of something I like to call My Way!
20:46Hit it, Nelson!
20:51Hit it, Nelson!
20:52Hit it, Nelson!
20:57Thank you, Duckman!
20:59And thank you for saving me from a terrible fate!
21:03Can you imagine what would have happened if I found out about this after we were married?
21:08I would have been trapped in a loveless marriage legally bonded to a devious criminal!
21:13Who I could have divorced and sold for half his multi-billion dollar fortune!
21:25When does Aunt Bernice throw the bouquet?
21:28Duckman! Duckman!
21:32I asked the front desk for something quiet! In back!
21:36Oh well, as long as I know that people who can make a difference haven't forgotten me, I'll sleep well!
21:41I'll sleep well!
21:42Hmm...
22:11I love it, alright.
22:13I've got a restore!
22:15I'm sorry!
22:17I'm sorry.
22:19I love it!
22:21I can tell you!
22:31I'm sorry!
22:34I'm sorry!
22:35You
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