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Max and 99 are saved by Siegfried, who claims he wants to defect. This is the first episode featuring King Moody as Siegfried's inept assistant Shtarker. The episode is a spoof of How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying.
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00:00that anonymous telephone call was right it sure was 99 say listen you don't happen to have a crow
00:21bar on you do you oh sure max right here so this is the warehouse for chaos's smuggling ring
00:30and i know what they've been smuggling what max paper that's not possible max no well then they
00:38sure know how to pack cookies max look do you know what that is a cookie jar no max it's an etruscan urn
00:49that must be worth a fortune i'll bet it was stolen from a museum sure and then chaos smuggled it over
00:54here to sell to a private owner that must be one of the ways that they're financing their operations
00:59this place must be full of treasures max
01:01hello who is it is that you 86 this is 74 sounds like 74 max yes but you can't be sure
01:14advance and be recognized
01:16let that be a lesson to you never let your guard down for a minute it could be a fatal mistake
01:34of course everyone's entitled to one fatal mistake
01:42why did you jump me 86 i told you i was 74 well i thought it might be a trap but you saw my face
01:51not until i hit you what are you doing here 74 the chief sent me figured you might need help
01:56that's ridiculous get your hands up just don't stand there if you came to help help
02:04you call that helping
02:09sygfried
02:18good evening
02:22smart
02:24you
02:38good evening
02:43good evening
02:53¶¶
03:24It's Siegfried.
03:25Yes, my old friend and bitter enemy.
03:28Tell me, Siegfried, why did you shoot your own man?
03:31Nitrit, to save your life.
03:34But you and I are sworn to kill each other on sight. Why would you want to save my life?
03:38Because I'm leaving chaos.
03:41Leaving chaos? Why?
03:44I'm fed up. 20 years I have been with him.
03:48Stealing, robbing, lying, killing, murdering.
03:52And what did I get out of it? Nothing. Just a lot of fun.
03:58Smart, listen to me. Go and tell your chief I am ready to cooperate with control.
04:05Also, I will sell them some of chaos' top secrets.
04:10All right, Siegfried. I'll tell them. But I don't think the chief will trust you.
04:14Give me one good reason why he shouldn't trust me.
04:17Because you're a rotten, vicious, cruel, cunning, maniacal murderer.
04:22All right, that's one. Now give me another.
04:29I don't like it, Max. I just don't like it.
04:32But we have to face the facts, chief. Siegfried did save my life.
04:35Why would he do that? He's a vicious, cold-blooded chaos executioner.
04:39He says that he's leaving chaos and he's willing to cooperate with control.
04:42What?
04:43That's right, chief. He's fed up with chaos.
04:45Why?
04:46Well, last year was his biggest year.
04:48He killed 37 people and they didn't even give him a Christmas bonus.
04:52You see, Fried is on the level, chief.
04:54Think of all the valuable information we can get from him.
04:56You may be right.
04:58Max, where does he want to meet?
05:00In the same warehouse.
05:01Well, all right. But if it's a trap and we get killed, you're fired.
05:04Max, you know I'm frightened.
05:07Why, chief?
05:09I'm beginning to sound like you.
05:14Max, I don't care if Siegfried did save your life.
05:16We shouldn't be buying information from him.
05:18He's a murderer and a traitor.
05:20Chief!
05:21Siegfried, I'm sure the chief didn't mean anything personal by that remark.
05:25Now look, chief.
05:26If Siegfried has something of importance to sell,
05:28I think it's imperative that control buy it.
05:31Well, how can you believe a man who'd sell out his own friends?
05:33Duncoff.
05:34Who else can you sell out?
05:36You can't double-cross enemies!
05:38You got a point there, chief.
05:41All right, Siegfried, what have you got?
05:45It's all there.
05:57What is this?
05:58A catalogue?
05:59You pick out what you want to buy.
06:03What is that, Schmert?
06:05Just a little something that our financial department dreamed up.
06:08It lists all the prices on information that's for sale.
06:11It's called a blue book.
06:13Anything interesting over there, chief?
06:15I have something that would be invaluable to you.
06:19The head of the chaos lady's auxiliary.
06:22You can have her for $1,500.
06:26$1,500.
06:27$1,500.
06:28$1,500.
06:29It's listed here for $1,250.
06:31Yeah, this one is special.
06:34Why?
06:35She's my sister.
06:37And I will give you the location of 20 chaos agents for $500 apiece.
06:45Make it $400 and it's a deal.
06:47Sold.
06:48All right, Siegfried, but before we pay, we've got to check out your information.
06:52Chief, look out!
07:02Well, chief, what have you got to say now?
07:04Siegfried just saved your life.
07:05I know, Max, you're right.
07:06I'm sorry for what I said earlier, Siegfried.
07:08That's quite all right.
07:10Well, chief, I think we better get out of here and check this information.
07:13Siegfried, we'll meet you back here in exactly two hours.
07:17Under the circumstances, I don't think it's such a hard idea to meet back here again.
07:22He's right, Max.
07:24We should meet someplace where chaos would not be able to find me.
07:28My apartment.
07:29We'll use my apartment.
07:31Here are the keys.
07:32We'll meet you there in two hours.
07:34Splendid, Schmerz.
07:35Let's go, Max.
07:43Get up!
07:44It worked, Siegfried.
07:45Yeah.
07:46And we are one step closer to realizing our glorious plans and killing Mixwell's smart.
08:02You should have seen the look on their faces when they thought that Siegfried saved the chief's life.
08:15And Schmerz went for it?
08:17He swallowed a hook, line, and sinker.
08:20I happen to be a most convincing actor.
08:24You should have seen me in the chaos workshop when I starved in killing of the shrew.
08:29To the taming of the shrew.
08:32They don't tame here, they kill.
08:35Thank you, Lily.
08:38Pack her up.
08:40Starker.
08:41They don't pack her here.
08:44And Lily is my personal secretary.
08:50This goes for you too, Lily.
08:52They also don't hear.
08:56Now go.
08:57Practice your short hand.
08:59You never know.
09:00Someday I may even want to dictate a letter.
09:05Now, once I gain control's confidence, I will be in a position to execute Operation Big K.
09:20Big K?
09:21The robbing of Fort Knox?
09:24But Siegfried, this is impossible.
09:26Fort Knox is too heavily guarded.
09:28And the more heavily guarded it is, the better.
09:33I do not understand.
09:34I will explain when the time comes.
09:37Oh, hello, Siegfried.
09:38Been waiting long?
09:39No, just got here.
09:41Keys.
09:42What keys?
09:43The keys to my apartment.
09:44Oh, yes.
09:46All right, Siegfried.
09:47The information you gave is concerning the whereabouts of those 20 chaos agents checked out.
09:51Yes, and each and every one of them is in custody right now.
09:54And believe me, you got the cream of the crop.
09:58What do we do now, Chief?
09:59The decoding machine and Siegfried's sister.
10:01Oh, yes.
10:02Where is the decoding machine, Siegfried?
10:04It's in the airport terminal, disguised as an insurance machine.
10:07That way our agents can decode their messages coming and going.
10:11Say, that's a great idea, Chief.
10:13They don't even have to come into town.
10:15Saves a lot of time.
10:16And cab fare.
10:17And cab fare.
10:19Max, I'll go in my car and pick up the decoding machine.
10:21You and 99 go in your car and pick up his sister.
10:24I suggest you all go in one car.
10:27Why?
10:28My sister works in the decoding machine.
10:32Siegfried, you wait here.
10:34Max, 99, let's go.
10:36One question, please.
10:38Are you going to take my sister dead or alive?
10:42Alive?
10:43Good.
10:44Then give her my love.
10:58All right, we're control agents and this is a raid.
11:00You're under arrest.
11:01Let's go, lady.
11:19Who's there?
11:26That's got to be Starker.
11:28Get over here!
11:38Now.
11:41Don't remove your foot from that wastebasket.
11:44I can't.
11:45What do you mean you can't?
11:47My foot's the size 11 and the wastebasket's a nine.
11:52Foot up!
11:58Ah, you found the hidden tape recorder.
12:04Of course, I found it.
12:06Aren't you, you clumsy?
12:07You ruined a perfectly good take.
12:10I'm sorry.
12:11I get it right next time.
12:13You're better.
12:14This will be conclusive evidence that I really intend to leave chaos.
12:18Now, let's go over it once more.
12:21Ready?
12:22Ready.
12:24Who's there?
12:27Stop it!
12:29Did you come here to laugh or to kill?
12:31I was only trying to make it sound good.
12:34We don't add lip here, Starker.
12:36We stick to the lines.
12:38Now, do it again!
12:39And do it right!
12:41Who's there?
12:43It's me, Starker.
12:44How did you find me, Starker?
12:47Do you forget?
12:49We have ways.
12:51So, Siegfried, you have betrayed chaos.
12:55What are you going to do to me, Starker?
13:01What are you going to do to me?
13:03Stop it!
13:04Before I answer that, I want to know one thing.
13:11Have you told, Control, about Operation Big K?
13:16Oh, no!
13:18I would never divulge chaos's master plan after a century.
13:23Then, you pull the trigger, rub some blood on my head,
13:29I lie down on the floor, and you leave, right?
13:32Right?
13:33Right.
13:34Okay.
13:35I'll turn on the recorder, and we'll do it.
13:38Tell me, Siegfried.
13:40What?
13:41How was I?
13:42Pathetic.
13:49Well, Siegfried, your information checked out.
13:51We picked up the decoding machine, and your sister says she'll never speak to you again.
13:55Siegfried.
13:57Max!
13:58Siegfried's dead!
13:59Who could have done it?
14:00Anybody.
14:01Wait a minute, Chief.
14:02I think we'll have an answer to it in a minute.
14:04How, Max?
14:05My secret tape recorder.
14:10So, Siegfried, you have betrayed chaos.
14:13What are you going to do to me?
14:15Before I answer that, I want to know one thing.
14:18Have you told Control about Operation Big K?
14:21Oh, no, of course not.
14:22I would never divulge chaos's master plan after a century.
14:25Essentially.
14:26That's all I wanted to know.
14:27Goodbye, Siegfried.
14:28Goodbye, Siegfried.
14:32Well, that's it, Chief.
14:34They found out he was betraying them, and they had him shot.
14:37Operation Big K.
14:38If we could only find out what that meant before Siegfried was killed.
14:40Chief, look.
14:41He's moving.
14:42He's not dead.
14:43You're right, 99.
14:44He's still alive.
14:45Here.
14:46The bullet just grazed his forehead.
14:47Where am I?
14:49What happened?
14:50Smart.
14:51You're all right, Siegfried.
14:52One of your men tried to murder you.
14:54Yeah, I remember now.
14:55It was starker.
14:56He wanted to know if I told you about Operation Big K.
15:00Big K?
15:01That's the one we want to know about, Chief.
15:02What is it?
15:03Those dirty double-crossers.
15:06Yeah.
15:07I will tell you.
15:08Money is not important.
15:09This is for revenge.
15:11Good.
15:12What is it?
15:13$10,000.
15:14$5,000.
15:15$9,000.
15:16$6,000.
15:17$8,000.
15:18$7,000.
15:19I don't bargain.
15:20K stands for Knox.
15:22Chaos plans to hit Fort Knox tomorrow.
15:25A full-scale attack.
15:26Plan 45E.
15:27By tomorrow night, the United States will be ping-rapped.
15:37This is the Chief, Magetta Alert.
15:38I want every available agent to draw full weapons
15:41and leave for Fort Knox immediately to head off a chaos attack planned for sometime tomorrow.
15:45Right.
15:46Now, Max, here's what I want you to do.
15:48Chief, 99 and I are ready.
15:49No, Max.
15:50I want you to stay with me to conduct the award ceremony at the control chief's convention tomorrow.
15:5499, I want you to pick an agent to stay with you and guard control headquarters.
15:58You'll be our skeleton security unit.
16:00Right, Chief.
16:01And now, gentlemen, we are ready for the final phase of Operation Big K.
16:11But, Siegfried, it is impossible to attack Fort Knox.
16:15Who said anything about Fort Knox?
16:18Big K stands for Big Knockout.
16:21Big Knockout?
16:22While all the control agents are waiting for us at Fort Knox, I will drop a gas pellet at the control chief's award ceremony, which will knock out, get it?
16:32Knock out all the chiefs.
16:34Ah.
16:35Starker.
16:36They don't are here.
16:37Now, while they are unconscious, you kill the skeleton security unit and we will kidnap the control chiefs from all over the world in one swoop.
16:51Think of it, gentlemen.
16:53And, Lily, a ten million dollar ransom.
16:56Splendid!
16:57Oh, oh, oh, oh.
17:02I'm sorry.
17:03I forgot if you don't hear.
17:08Well, once in a while, it doesn't hurt.
17:20Well, Siegfried, the chiefs of control are really going to be surprised when we spring you on them.
17:24Yeah, they'll be knocked out.
17:26Just a figure of speech.
17:28You're sure to win the chief of the year award this time, chief.
17:30Oh, thanks, 99.
17:31I guess this is my lucky year.
17:33You look ravishing.
17:35Well, thank you, Siegfried.
17:36You look pretty nice yourself.
17:38I meant Miss 99 Schmalt.
17:40Thank you, Siegfried.
17:41I didn't know that you were from royalty.
17:43I'm not.
17:44Well, then why are you wearing the sash?
17:46All was is I'm the grip.
17:48I burnt a hole in my shirt when I was ironing it.
17:51Max, your flower looks marvelous.
17:54There's nothing like the scent of a fresh flower.
18:00Uh, yes.
18:02Well, chief, I think I'll go down to the lab and check my notes out.
18:05You got your notes right there.
18:06Uh, yes, but they're in invisible ink.
18:09Thank you, and good evening, chiefs of control.
18:16This is Max, control award smart.
18:19I wouldn't say that there are a lot of chiefs here tonight, but the only thing that's missing is a wigwam.
18:25Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
18:29Thanks.
18:30Okay.
18:31Now, uh, I'd like you to meet Mr. Harper from the accounting firm of Price, Sloan & Stern, who tabulated the votes.
18:41Right this way, Mr. Harper.
18:57I'm terribly sorry about the blindfold, but this is a secret organization, you know.
19:00They just sit down anywhere.
19:02I think you'll find a chair more comfortable.
19:10Now for the awards.
19:12The first award is for top achievement of a controlled scientist.
19:17Envelope, please.
19:21And the winner is Dr. Hans Svensson for 25 years of experimental research in the field of hormones.
19:29Are you accepting the award for Hans Svensson?
19:40I am Hans Svensson.
19:42I don't know what he gets for a house call, but it's worth it.
19:48And now for our next award.
19:51The next award is for excellence in judo and karate by a control chief.
19:56Envelope, please.
19:58And the winner is, from Tokyo, Chief Sususi Sakamoto.
20:15There you are, Chief.
20:17I understand that your hands are like lightning, that when you hit a man, they move so fast, they can hardly be followed with the human eye.
20:25That is true.
20:27Well, I find that a little hard to believe, Chief.
20:30I wonder if you could give us a little demonstration of your speed.
20:34If Mr. Smart would be kind enough to help me out, I'd be most happy too.
20:41Ready?
20:43Ready.
20:44Ready.
20:45Ready.
20:46Would you care to see it again?
20:51No, thank you.
20:53And now, for the Defector of the Year Award.
21:08Outside this room is a chaos traitor, one of their top agents, who is now cooperating completely with control.
21:15Although he is not going to get a golden pistol, he has received honorable mention for the Benedict Arnold medallion.
21:23So, let's bring him in with a nice round of applause.
21:36Gentlemen, this is Siegfried, the man whose information can help us destroy chaos all over the world.
21:44I wouldn't say there are many chiefs here, but the only thing missing is a weak one.
21:59Gentlemen, ladies, I have spent over half my life working for chaos, starting out as an office boy and part-time killer.
22:08But tonight I have reached the pinnacle of my profession.
22:12Tonight you are about to see the tops in dirty tricks.
22:17It's almost time.
22:19And now...
22:21Good night!
22:38All right...
22:41Gentlemen, our $10 million babies are ready.
22:45Come on!
22:46You can start collecting the bodies.
22:54Sorry, but this isn't collection day.
22:58Ow!
23:02i hope you realize smart you just ruined a terrific plan how did you find out it was really
23:15quite simple siegfried i knew something was wrong the minute you smelled my flower because you see
23:22it was a fake flower so i knew that you were wearing a phony nose like this
23:30the old gas mask and the false nose trick so i merely went down to the lab and got myself a
23:40control nose my compliments smart well this looks like the end of the line for you siegfried you'll
23:47get the gas chamber for this and all because of my mother your mother all of this could have been
23:54avoided if not for my mother because when i was a little kid my mother wouldn't get me a sled
24:02why wouldn't she get me a sledge smart why i don't know siegfried you think maybe it was
24:09because we lived in florida
24:11so
24:21so
24:28Oh
24:58¶¶
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