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Tv, Only Fools And Horses S01E01 - Big Brother

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00:00Stick a bunny in me pocket
00:06I'll fetch the suitcase from the van
00:10Cause if you are the best ones
00:13But you don't ask questions
00:15Then brother, I'm your man
00:17Cause where it all comes from is a mystery
00:22It's like the changing of the seasons
00:24And the tides of the sea
00:26But is the one which drives me bizarre
00:29Why do only fools and horses work
00:33La la la la
00:34La la la la la
00:37That Sidney Potter's a good actor, isn't he, Rodney?
00:48He was marvellous in Guess Who's Coming to Dinner.
00:52Yeah, knock it up, granddad.
00:55Sidney Potter?
00:57Yeah, you know him.
00:58Always plays the black fella.
01:02Sidney Poitier.
01:04Sidney Potter.
01:06It's Poitier.
01:07It's Potter.
01:08It's bloody Poitier, I'm telling you.
01:11And I'm telling you, it's bloody Potter.
01:13You two had it again, are you?
01:15Del, how do you pronounce that fella's name on the telly?
01:17Sidney Poitier or Sidney Potter?
01:19Personally, I pronounce it Harry Belafonte,
01:21But you two, please, are you?
01:22You daft old sod, it was Harry Belafonte all along.
01:27Well, I wonder why Sidney Potter kept bursting into song.
01:32I don't like Harry Belafonte.
01:35Sivuple, Sivuple, what an enigma.
01:38I get better looking every day.
01:40Can't wait for tomorrow.
01:41Oh, do you know, I think I'm suffering from something incurable.
01:49Still never mind, eh?
01:51Oi, come on, Rodney, shake a leg.
01:53We've got a meeting at 12.
01:53What are you doing now?
01:54Our accounts.
01:55You're keeping accounts now.
01:59Well, there you are, Grandad.
02:01A lot of people told me I was the right dipstick
02:04To make my brother a partner in the business.
02:06But this only goes to prove how bloody right they were.
02:09You dozy little twonk, Rodney.
02:12This is prime and fasty evidence, isn't it, eh?
02:14The taxman gets hold of that, it puts us away for three years.
02:17Don't worry, if a taxman comes, I'll eat it.
02:20It's the only way I'll keep a check on you, Del.
02:21I'm sure you're cheating me in some way, I just can't figure out how.
02:24Cheating you?
02:26Cheating you?
02:27What's that rumbling noise?
02:29I didn't hear nothing.
02:30No, it's all right, it's Mum turning in her grave.
02:32Oh, don't start that again, Del.
02:35It's obvious you're stitching me up.
02:37Look at you, you have three or four changes of clothes a day.
02:40Me, I've got one suit come from an almost new shop.
02:43It's embarrassing sometimes.
02:45Oh, I embarrass you, do I?
02:47You've got room to talk.
02:49You have been nothing but an embarrassment to me
02:51From the moment you was born.
02:53You couldn't be like any other little brother, could you, eh?
02:55And come along a couple of years later after me.
02:57Oh, no, no, not you.
02:58You had to wait 13 years.
03:01So while all the other mods were having punch-ups down at Southend
03:04And going to the Who concerts,
03:06I was at home babysitting.
03:07I could never get your oyster milk stains out of me Ben Shermans.
03:14I used to find rusks in me hush puppies.
03:17You know, I couldn't help when I was born.
03:19Oh, there you go.
03:20There you are, you see.
03:20It's any excuse with you, isn't it, eh?
03:22What do you think about poor old Mum, then, eh?
03:25Do you know that she was 39 when she fell for you, eh?
03:28For the first three months of her pregnancy,
03:30You were treated as an ulcer.
03:31But to this day, I sometimes think the original diagnosis was correct.
03:39Yuck.
03:40Hey, come on.
03:42What sort of bloke do you think I am, eh?
03:44Cheat me own brother?
03:46Come on, Rodney.
03:47I told you before, haven't I, eh?
03:48It's everything between you and I split straight down the middle.
03:5160-40.
03:53Right?
03:54Yeah.
03:55Well, explain this to me, then, Del.
03:57How do we manage to pay for the light, gas and rent in this place, eh?
04:00I mean, take last week.
04:01We went to the auction, right?
04:03We bought a grossly disposable light as a space invaders game,
04:06two facial saunas, five water-damaged sleeping bags
04:09and a moonroof for a Peugeot, right?
04:11Then we swapped the lot for a van load of one-legged turkeys.
04:14They was not one-legged turkeys.
04:16They was damaged turkeys.
04:17How many legs did they have, Del?
04:20I'm in no mood for trick questions.
04:22Anyway, you ain't put down a VAT.
04:24We don't pay VAT.
04:25I know, but we collect it, though, don't we, eh?
04:27All right, Rodney, all right.
04:29Look, so we don't pay VAT.
04:31We don't pay income tax or national insurance.
04:34On the other hand, we don't claim dole money,
04:37social security, supplementary benefit, do we, eh?
04:41Eh?
04:41The government don't give us nothing,
04:43so we don't give the government nothing.
04:45Eh?
04:46What's you complaining about?
04:47Look, I'm 23.
04:49I'd like to think I had some sort of a career.
04:50You're self-unemployed.
04:52That's a career, innit?
04:54Selling hankies from a suitcase in Oxford Street.
04:57I want something better than that, Del.
04:58All right.
04:59All right.
05:00In future, you can do Regent Street.
05:03Come on.
05:04Cheers.
05:07And it's Poitier.
05:08What about?
05:09It's Poitier!
05:10Hello, Del.
05:16Hello, darling.
05:16How are you?
05:17All right?
05:17Hi.
05:17Good.
05:22Do you realise we've always had something missing in our lives?
05:25First we was motherless, then we was fatherless.
05:28Now we're flogging one-legged turkeys from a three-wheel van.
05:31Little acorns.
05:32Well, you got one of them missing as well, Del?
05:33No.
05:34Marks and Spencer started off with a barra.
05:36At least they had four wheels.
05:37What's going on about that van, will you?
05:39Morning, Del boy.
05:40Bonjour, Joycey.
05:42Two half-pints of your finest low-carbohydrate beer.
05:45Thank you, John.
05:46Do you want it in glasses?
05:47Yes, please.
05:47Otherwise, it dribbles through your fingers.
05:50I mean, do you want it in glasses or jugs?
05:53As long as it is served by your fair hands, Joycey,
05:56we drink it out of a pair of Yvonne Goulagon's old tennis boots.
06:00All right?
06:02Look at that.
06:02Charmed like laser beams, eh, Rodney?
06:04Knock some bandy.
06:06Yeah.
06:06It's your ready-wit and three-wheeled van that blows their minds.
06:09Yeah.
06:10I suppose I am full of the old Bel Esprit, really, aren't I?
06:13Actually, I quite like old Joycey.
06:15I mean, fair play.
06:16She's a bit of an old dog, but...
06:17Fair again, you know.
06:19I quite like old dogs.
06:20I mean, you know where you are with them, don't you, eh?
06:22They never ask you if you still respect them in the morning.
06:25And always lend you a knicker for petrol, you know.
06:29Ah.
06:30I like this life, though, don't you, Rodders, eh?
06:31Ducking and diving, wheeling and dealing, you know.
06:33It's exciting, isn't it?
06:34Unpredictable.
06:36You know, in this game, you can go out in the morning with 50 pence in your pocket...
06:40And come home at night skiing.
06:41Exactly, yeah.
06:44I'm thinking of getting a job, Del.
06:47Eh?
06:47What chance have you got of getting a job?
06:51Do leave it out.
06:52Have you heard that?
06:53You heard that, Joycey?
06:54He's only thinking of getting a job, isn't he?
06:56Job, eh?
06:57I've got GCEs.
06:59And I took that year's course at the Art College in Basingstoke.
07:02Yes, I know.
07:03You took a year's course.
07:04But you got expelled after three weeks, didn't you, eh?
07:07Eh?
07:07The Board of Governors were doing their annual inspection and found you camped in your little
07:10room where the biggest reefer this side of Marrakesh zonked out on your bed with some
07:14Chinese tar.
07:15She was not Chinese tar.
07:16Well, Chinese, Japanese, it's all the same to me.
07:19Anyway, all right, all right, suppose you go for a job and you go for the interview, eh?
07:22What are you going to say to the manager?
07:23You're going to say, oh, yes, sir, I've got qualifications and experience, sir, yeah.
07:26I've got two GCEs, an 18-month suspended sentence, and I know a good joint when I puff one.
07:34No, your feet won't touch, brav.
07:36No.
07:38No, I'm afraid not, Rodney.
07:39At the ripe old age of 23, you are a social leper.
07:42Now, society has placed you in the darkest corner of its deepest cellar to grow moss
07:49to be forgotten about.
07:55Still, never mind, eh?
07:56Ha!
07:56The evil of France, as they say in Rome.
07:58No need to get depressed.
08:00Oh, me, depressed?
08:01No, of course not, Del.
08:02I'm on top of the world.
08:03I feel like a born-again eunuch.
08:07Do you think I'll apply for a mail-order course with exit?
08:11That's a good idea, Rodney.
08:12Never Say Die.
08:15How are you?
08:16Oh, there he is.
08:17Oi, Trigger.
08:18Yeah.
08:19You know, my brother, don't you, eh?
08:20Yeah, of course I do.
08:21How are you going, Dave?
08:22Sorry I'm late, Del boy.
08:24I had to pop round my sisters to arrange an alibi for next Thursday.
08:27Joyce, Dick.
08:28Del.
08:29Del.
08:30What?
08:31Why'd they call him Trigger?
08:32Does he carry a gun?
08:33No, it's because he looks like a horse.
08:37Listen, me and Da Trigger have got some business to discuss, like that, I mean.
08:42Okay, so you get the drinks, meet us back here over by the table, all right?
08:45Oh, I are, sir.
08:46Anything you say, sir.
08:47Borrow my daughter, sir.
08:48No, no, very clever kid, you know, my brother.
08:56Yeah.
08:56He's got two GCEs.
08:58One in maths, one in R.
08:59Oh.
08:59You want to see him when he writes a letter?
09:00Some of the words he uses.
09:02What, long ones?
09:03Well, they're like that, you know, some of them.
09:06Anyway, what are you selling?
09:07This.
09:08I've got 25 of them all told.
09:10The others are in the car.
09:11I thought I won't wrap it up.
09:12Parcels attract attention these days.
09:14Best to carry openly.
09:15Then it don't look conspicuous.
09:20Oh, yeah.
09:20Yeah, that's good thinking, that, Trek.
09:22Yeah, really good thinking.
09:23Goes so well with your slingback Wellington boots and you're off-the-shoulder donkey jack.
09:27You look like an executive hod carrier.
09:31Anyway, wait, Rodgers, what do you think of this?
09:33In for a dig, innit, eh?
09:35It's plastics.
09:38Plastics.
09:40Old English vinyl.
09:44Combination locks.
09:45Dinky little handle, I don't know.
09:47Might be able to push some of them around the old squash clubs, eh?
09:50Shouldn't have anything to do with them, Del.
09:52Police must probably look for them right now.
09:55Tell us the truth.
09:56Are the police looking for these things, Trek?
09:58No, they're not, Del.
09:59And that's the truth.
10:00Why are you hiding it under the table, then?
10:02Well, because you never know when they're going to start looking for them, do you?
10:07Oi, shh.
10:08Stump.
10:08Right.
10:09Oi, we're partners.
10:10At least respect my opinion.
10:12All right.
10:12All right, Rodney.
10:13I'll respect your opinion.
10:15How much?
10:16For you, Del boy, 17 pounds each.
10:20You know what happened to the real trigger, don't you?
10:23Roy Rogers had him stuck.
10:26All right, then.
10:2714.
10:2814.
10:29Leave it out.
10:29What?
10:315.
10:3212.
10:346.
10:3410.
10:359.
10:368.
10:37Done.
10:39That's the way to do business, Dave.
10:41All right, okay, Trek.
10:42Let's look that up.
10:43That's 8 times 25 equals 175, okay?
10:48200.
10:49What?
10:49No, no, Rodney.
10:50No, no, no.
10:51The calculator says 175, all right?
10:53Yeah, but he's got GCEs and maths and art.
10:55So what does that prove?
10:56He can paint by numbers.
10:59No, no, Trek.
11:00I mean, this is a calculator, isn't it?
11:01You know what I mean?
11:02Look, the calculator says 175.
11:04You can't argue with a calculator, can you?
11:06Give it in, Pat.
11:07Rodney.
11:0825 times 8 equals 200, see?
11:15Oh, yeah.
11:16Look at that.
11:16I must have got my finger stuck on a button, yeah.
11:19Heard his fingers, Del.
11:20Yeah, yeah.
11:21You want to look after them, Rodney?
11:23They break very easily.
11:30You've got to see them to believe them, Spiros.
11:33Yeah.
11:34Eh?
11:35I don't know.
11:35Hang on a minute.
11:36Oi, Grandad.
11:37Where were they made?
11:40Don't say.
11:41There's some Chinese writing on them, though.
11:44No, no, no.
11:45Don't actually give the maker's name, Spiros.
11:46But then again, the best ones never do, do they?
11:48You know what I mean?
11:50How's it going?
11:51That's about the 15th.
11:53Briefcase is sold.
11:54Phone call he's made.
11:56Yeah.
11:56Yeah, well, I'll get him while the going's good.
11:58If I were you, Spiros, I've only got 25 legs.
12:01Eh?
12:02This is a cheeseburger.
12:04I asked for an emperor burger.
12:06I couldn't afford an emperor burger.
12:08He got me a cheeseburger.
12:10What?
12:11I asked him for an emperor burger,
12:13and he brings me back a cheeseburger.
12:15Yes, hang on a minute, Spiros, will you?
12:17Just hang on.
12:17Look, what's he on about now?
12:19He asked me to get him an emperor burger,
12:20but I couldn't afford it,
12:21so I got him a cheeseburger.
12:23Bloody emperor burgers and cheeseburgers.
12:25I'm trying to do a deal here.
12:26Now, shut up, will you?
12:27No, no, not you, Spiros.
12:29No, no, me young mate.
12:30No, all right.
12:31Now, how many of these briefcases
12:32can I put you down for, eh?
12:34Ha.
12:35None.
12:35Right, thanks.
12:36Great.
12:37Yeah, all right.
12:38I'll see you around.
12:39I told you the best thing to do
12:41with them cases, didn't I?
12:43Chuck them in the river.
12:43Chuck them in the river.
12:45Chuck them in the river.
12:46That's our profit you're talking about.
12:47What do you think this is,
12:48a nationalised industry?
12:50He knows I hate cheese.
12:53Will you stop going on
12:54about that rotten cheeseburger, will you?
12:56Ah, Dougie Sadler.
12:59He owns the stationers in the Ice Street.
13:00He's our boy, Rodders.
13:01I don't know why he bothers.
13:03He's a trier, isn't he?
13:05Your dad always said
13:06that one day Del Boy
13:07had reached the top.
13:09There again, he used to say
13:10that one day Millwall
13:11would win the cup.
13:14Hello, Dougie, Del Boy.
13:17How's that, pal?
13:18Good.
13:18Family?
13:19Super.
13:21Dougie, look,
13:21I'm phoning about some briefcases.
13:26Yeah?
13:27Go on.
13:29What a choker.
13:3125 of them nicked
13:32from his shop last week.
13:33Oh, my gosh.
13:35No, no.
13:36No, no, I'm not trying to sell any.
13:37No, no, no.
13:38No, I wanted to buy some, you see.
13:40Yeah, I got this contact
13:41in the, um,
13:42stock exchange.
13:44Yeah.
13:44Um, by the way,
13:45Dougie, old pal,
13:46I mean, uh,
13:47what were you selling them for?
13:49What do you mean
13:50they were rejects?
13:51Oh, beautiful.
13:52We bought a consignment
13:53of rejects.
13:54Well, what was wrong
13:55with them, Nick?
13:57Oh, yeah.
13:58Oh, I see, yeah.
13:59Yeah, I mean,
14:00he'd be daft enough
14:01to nick them, eh?
14:02Oh, he'd be stupid
14:04if I'd have to buy them.
14:05Yeah, I know.
14:10I'll pop down
14:11and see you next week
14:11when you've got some more in,
14:12okay?
14:13Yeah.
14:13Bye-bye, Doug.
14:14See you around.
14:18All right.
14:20So what's wrong with them?
14:22Open one.
14:24What's the combination?
14:26No sod nose.
14:27That's why they're rejects.
14:31There must be a bit of paper
14:32with them giving you
14:33the combination.
14:34Yes, there is.
14:35It's inside the briefcase,
14:36isn't it?
14:38Pop up at the factory.
14:40Nice going, Dell boy.
14:42You have bought
14:4225 executive briefcases
14:45that can only be opened
14:46by professional safe crackers.
14:48This makes the one-legged turkey deal
14:49look shrewd,
14:50doesn't it?
14:52All right.
14:52All right, Roddy.
14:53That's the way I'm made,
14:54isn't it, eh?
14:54You know,
14:54crashing into hell
14:55with the consequences.
14:56He who dares wins.
14:58I'd have French
14:59overworked for people like me.
15:01Yeah, the English
15:01have got a couple of good'uns,
15:02isn't it?
15:04I told you all along
15:06not to touch him,
15:06didn't I?
15:07Yeah, all right.
15:07All right.
15:08Okay.
15:08Well, it's nothing to do
15:09with you, isn't it?
15:09But we're partners,
15:10aren't we?
15:12Oh.
15:14Oh, I see.
15:15The truth's coming out now.
15:17Well, come on, Dell.
15:18Let's have it out in the open, then.
15:19How do you see
15:20our respective roles
15:21in this partnership?
15:23I see it as a combination
15:24of my business acumen,
15:26contacts and money,
15:28and your ability
15:28to drive a three-wheel van.
15:30Badly.
15:31Well, did you see yourself
15:32in a different role?
15:33Well, yes, I did.
15:34With my qualifications,
15:36I saw myself
15:37in the capacity
15:38of a financial advisor.
15:39A financial advisor.
15:42Bonjour, Trieste.
15:44You are beautiful.
15:45You are, Rodney.
15:47Today,
15:48I just about clinched a deal
15:49to buy these briefcases
15:51for 175 pounds
15:53when my financial advisor
15:55stuck his nose in
15:56and advised me
15:58to pay 200 pounds.
16:00Right?
16:00And having paid
16:01the 200 pounds,
16:03my financial advisor
16:04then advised me
16:05to chuck the bleeding lot
16:06in the river.
16:07Now, with financial advisors
16:09like that,
16:10who needs a bleeding recession?
16:12What kind of a financial advisor
16:14goes out
16:15to buy an emperor burger
16:17and comes back
16:18with a cheeseburger?
16:19Will you stop going on
16:21about that ruddy cheeseburger
16:22for court eating?
16:23Oh, hey!
16:24Hey!
16:24Get off him!
16:26It's against the law
16:27to force feed a senior citizen
16:28with a cheeseburger
16:29and you know he hates them.
16:30Well, what did you buy it
16:31for him for?
16:32It's all I could afford!
16:33You make my life
16:34a misery, you do!
16:36Here, boy,
16:37just a moment.
16:38What was that last remark
16:39about me making
16:39your life a misery?
16:41Yeah.
16:43Well,
16:43you do, Del,
16:44with your overbearing,
16:46overprotective manner.
16:47Let me remind you,
17:06Rodney,
17:07that you were
17:08a six-year-old
17:09little nipper
17:10when God smiled on Mum
17:12and made her die.
17:13Two months after that,
17:15Dad packed his bags
17:16and left us
17:16to fend for ourselves.
17:18It was me
17:19that kept us together.
17:21Nothing to do
17:22with Grandad.
17:24It was an out-of-work
17:24lamplighter
17:25waiting for gas
17:25to make a comeback.
17:30I grafted 19,
17:3220 hours a day
17:33to put groceries
17:34on that table.
17:35All right,
17:35it wasn't always
17:36double legal,
17:37but you ate
17:38the finest food
17:38that was going.
17:40All you ever give me
17:41was TV dinners
17:42and convenience foods.
17:43If it wasn't frozen
17:44or dehydrated,
17:45we didn't eat it.
17:46If you'd have been
17:46in charge of a last supper,
17:48it would have been
17:48a takeaway.
17:53Well,
17:53anything was better
17:54than the salmonella
17:55and chips
17:55that Grandad
17:56used to knock out.
18:00Del.
18:04Look,
18:05don't get me wrong.
18:06I'm grateful.
18:08I don't want
18:09your gratitude.
18:10I'm grateful
18:10little git.
18:12I don't know
18:14what is the matter
18:15with you,
18:15Rodney.
18:16Sometimes I hesitate
18:17to tell people
18:18that you're my brother.
18:19Well,
18:19I always say
18:20I'm your social worker.
18:22Do you mind
18:23telling me
18:23exactly what it is
18:24that's made
18:25your life a misery?
18:27Well,
18:27you've always
18:28treated me
18:28like a child,
18:29didn't you?
18:29I was the only
18:30sixth form of
18:31my grammar school
18:32who wore short trousers.
18:34Yeah,
18:34well,
18:34I got them cheap,
18:35didn't I?
18:36I was 15,
18:37Del.
18:37I was growing
18:38hairs and
18:39things.
18:40My legs
18:40were like
18:41telling
18:41fuckballers.
18:43And you never
18:44let me do
18:44anything on my
18:45own,
18:45do you?
18:46You even
18:47had to help
18:47me with my
18:48GCE studies.
18:49You passed
18:50in two subjects.
18:51I failed
18:51in the other
18:52eight,
18:52Del.
18:53I mean,
18:54you embarrass
18:54me.
18:55That's why
18:56I never
18:56bring women
18:56home.
18:57Oh,
18:57you know
18:58some women,
18:58do you?
18:59Cool,
18:59that's a turn up
19:00for the book.
19:01The only bird
19:01I've ever heard
19:02you mention
19:02was old
19:03Shanghai Lil
19:04from the art
19:04college in
19:05Basingstoke.
19:06Even then
19:06you had to
19:06drug her
19:07before you
19:07get your
19:07leg over.
19:09No,
19:10I didn't.
19:11What,
19:11you didn't
19:12drug her
19:12or didn't
19:12get your
19:12leg over?
19:15You're
19:15suffocating
19:16me,
19:16Del.
19:16I'm getting
19:17out of this
19:17house,
19:18I'm going
19:18to prove
19:18to you
19:19I can
19:19survive
19:19on my
19:20own.
19:22I'm going
19:22to the
19:23pub.
19:23What,
19:23to prove
19:24you can
19:24survive
19:24on your
19:24own?
19:25No,
19:25to get
19:25legless.
19:26I don't
19:27need you
19:27no more,
19:28Del.
19:28I don't
19:28need you
19:29for
19:29nothing.
19:35Del,
19:45um,
19:46I was
19:47just,
19:47I was
19:47just,
19:47um,
19:48wondering.
19:59I think
19:59he's
20:00very much
20:00like you,
20:01Grandad.
20:01What,
20:02dignified
20:03in defeat?
20:04No,
20:05a ponce.
20:09No,
20:10no,
20:10I'm sure
20:10these can't
20:11be the ones
20:11they're
20:12looking for.
20:13No,
20:13no,
20:13I wouldn't
20:14do that
20:14to a mate,
20:15now would
20:15I?
20:16Eh?
20:17No,
20:17don't you
20:17say nothing
20:18to them,
20:18you wally.
20:19I mean,
20:19you can't
20:20trust the
20:20old bill,
20:20can you?
20:21Look at
20:22that time
20:22when they
20:22planted six
20:23gas cookers
20:23in my
20:24bedroom.
20:26Yeah,
20:27all right.
20:28Don't worry,
20:28okay,
20:29I'll see
20:29you around.
20:33Rodney?
20:34Where was
20:35you first
20:35thing this
20:36morning?
20:37I was out
20:37trying to
20:37sell these
20:38things,
20:38weren't I?
20:38Did you
20:39call Rodney?
20:40No,
20:41I thought
20:41I'd let
20:41him lie
20:42in and
20:42sleep his
20:42hangover
20:43off.
20:43Is he
20:44still in
20:44bed?
20:44No,
20:45he's gone.
20:47Gone?
20:47Packed his
20:48rucksack and
20:49had it away
20:49on his
20:50toes.
20:51What do
20:51you mean
20:51gone?
20:52Where's
20:52he gone?
20:53Hong Kong.
20:54Hong Kong?
20:55What do you
20:56mean
20:56Hong Kong?
20:57Hong Kong,
20:58it's in
20:59China.
20:59I know
21:00where
21:00Hong Kong
21:01is.
21:01What I
21:02want to
21:02know is
21:02what's
21:02Wodney
21:03doing
21:03there?
21:03Said he
21:04was going
21:04to hitchhike
21:04there to
21:05see that
21:05bird from
21:06the art
21:06college.
21:07Shanghai
21:07little,
21:08but she's
21:08in
21:08Basingstoke.
21:09So what's
21:09Mastermind
21:10doing on
21:10the road
21:10to Hong Kong?
21:11No,
21:12that's where
21:12she is
21:13now.
21:14She got
21:14deported
21:15after the
21:15drugs
21:16trial.
21:17Here,
21:18just a
21:18minute.
21:19What did
21:19you do,
21:20say,
21:20or cook
21:21for him
21:21that was
21:21so awful
21:22it forced
21:22him to
21:23leave?
21:23It
21:23weren't
21:23me,
21:24it was
21:24that
21:24row
21:25last
21:25night.
21:26He's
21:26gone to
21:27prove
21:27his
21:27self.
21:29Prove
21:29his
21:29self?
21:31No,
21:32just
21:33one of
21:33Rodney's
21:33little
21:33games,
21:34that's
21:34all.
21:35He'd
21:36never
21:36reach
21:36Hong Kong,
21:37he has
21:38trouble
21:38finding
21:38Clapham.
21:40He
21:40seemed
21:40very
21:41determined.
21:42Oh,
21:42didn't
21:42you do
21:42anything?
21:43Well,
21:43yeah,
21:44I made
21:45him
21:45some
21:45sandwiches.
21:48And
21:48he took
21:49them?
21:49Blimey,
21:50this is
21:50worse than
21:50I thought.
21:52Now,
21:53wait a
21:53minute,
21:55he ain't
21:55got no
21:55money.
21:56He took
21:56his
21:57post
21:57office
21:57book
21:58with
21:58him.
21:59Can't
21:59you
21:59go and
22:00search
22:00for him?
22:02He's
22:02been
22:02gone
22:02about
22:03seven
22:03hours.
22:04The
22:04farthest
22:04he could
22:05have
22:05got
22:05is
22:05France.
22:06That's
22:06all right,
22:07we got
22:07him
22:07cornered
22:07then,
22:08haven't
22:08we?
22:09Bring
22:09up
22:10Interpol.
22:11Interpol,
22:11I'll
22:12get more
22:12joy out
22:12of
22:13but he
22:14might
22:14be in
22:15danger.
22:16You
22:16can
22:17explain
22:17to
22:17him
22:18what
22:18Rodney's
22:18like.
22:19I'm
22:19sorry,
22:19I don't
22:20know
22:20the
22:20French
22:20for
22:21pranny.
22:23Hong
22:23Kong.
22:24I mean,
22:25Hong
22:25Kong.
22:26Why
22:27didn't
22:27he tell
22:28me
22:28where
22:28he
22:28was
22:28going?
22:30He
22:30could
22:30have
22:30taken
22:31these
22:31bleeding
22:31things
22:32back,
22:32would
22:32him?
22:43Don't
22:45do
22:45have
22:46not
22:46him
22:49to
22:49go
22:49can
22:50go
22:51go
22:53he
22:54could
22:55go
22:56go
22:56go
22:57go
22:57go
22:57go
22:58go
22:58go
22:58go
22:58go
22:59go
23:00go
23:00go
23:01go
23:01go
23:02go
23:03go
23:03go
23:04go
23:04go
23:05go
23:06go
23:07go
23:07go
23:08go
23:09go
24:09This thing still ain't working properly.
24:24That's because you're playing drafts on it.
24:26It's a talking chess game.
24:28You can't play drafts on a talking chess game.
24:30Why not?
24:31Because you're supposed to play chess on it.
24:33That's why it's called a talking chess game.
24:35You've already blown the microchip twice trying to huff the rook and what have you.
24:40You're supposed to have an electronic brain.
24:43It has got an electronic brain.
24:45But it didn't know it was going to have the misfortune to fall in the hands of a soppy old duffer who wanted to play drafts on it, did it?
24:51Well, I can't play chess.
24:53Why don't they invent a talking drafts game?
24:56Because if they did, you'd most probably want to play bloody Ludo on it.
24:59Dill boy.
25:08Hi, Rodney.
25:10Rodney's back, Dill.
25:12Look, he's here.
25:13Are you hungry, Rodney?
25:17Starving.
25:17I haven't eaten for two days.
25:19Shall I cook you something?
25:20No, no.
25:21No, no.
25:21A cup of tea, perhaps.
25:28Old place don't change much.
25:31No.
25:32Same as ever.
25:36It's really good to be back, Dill.
25:43You think you're overdoing the prodigal's return a bit?
25:51You've only been gone six days.
25:52Well, it might seem like six days to you, Dill, but to me it seemed more like a week.
25:59I take it you didn't reach Hong Kong.
26:01How far did you get?
26:02South of France.
26:04Saint-Tropez.
26:04Saint-Tropez.
26:05Very mal-de-ma.
26:07Darlin.
26:09Five in the shade.
26:10What are birds like?
26:11Oh, mostly French.
26:13Oh, no.
26:15I met one English girl there.
26:17Veronica.
26:18Her father's a millionaire tax exile.
26:21Tax exile, is he?
26:22Billy got moved.
26:25Well, you got a boat, Eddie?
26:26You know, parked out in a bay?
26:27Or a yacht anchored offshore, yeah.
26:29Yeah.
26:30They invited me over for dinner one night.
26:32Didn't go, though.
26:34Still had some of Grandad's sandwiches left, did you?
26:37No.
26:38No, that night I packed my bags and headed home.
26:42I was home six, see?
26:43I missed that.
26:45Must be joking.
26:47Only people who ever missed that was the ruddy Luftwaffe.
26:49It may not be much to you, Del, but to me it's got a raw and savage beauty, that.
26:56I've got artist eyes, Del.
26:57Yes, you've got pianist's fingers, Italian footballer's legs.
27:01Ever thought of applying for a disability allowance?
27:03I know you'll never understand what I mean, Del.
27:07Well, but you've got to suffer paradise before you can realise what you left behind.
27:12Your own.
27:13Your family.
27:14Your passport.
27:15Your passport.
27:17Passport.
27:17You knew, didn't you?
27:21You let me go for all that and all the time you knew.
27:24Where'd you find it?
27:27Top of your wardrobe.
27:28We were expecting a visit from the local gendarmes and I thought I'd better check out just in
27:32case you'd left any of that exotic tobacco lying about.
27:35No.
27:35I knew it was just a moody, Rodney.
27:37I told Grandad it was just one of Rodney's little games.
27:40It must be wonderful to be you, Del.
27:42To always be right.
27:44I know.
27:45It's a bit embarrassing at times.
27:47I'll tell you another thing, shall I, Rodney?
27:49You said that I would never, ever get rid of them briefcases.
27:52And you did, didn't you, Del?
27:54Yes, I did.
27:56Chucked a bleeding lot in the river.
27:59Nah.
28:00You threw them all in the river?
28:03Yep, every last one of them.
28:04They floated.
28:06That was a bit unforeseen.
28:08Probably round in Tilbury about now.
28:12200 quid down at Swanee, eh?
28:16Well, in this case, the Thames.
28:18Hm.
28:20Saint-Tropez.
28:22How far'd you really get?
28:25Shangri-La dossier Stoke Newington.
28:28Shared a room with some cholera cultures.
28:31You're moving.
28:42Well, what'd you fancy?
28:44Should you go down a pub and act stupid, or should we sail across to Veronica's dad's yacht for Tiffin?
28:52Nah.
28:52Best not go to the yacht.
28:54Might bump into those bloody briefcases halfway, eh?
28:57Ha, ha, ha, ha.
28:59APPLAUSE
29:29We'll cut prices and a straw.
29:34God bless Hookie Street.
29:37Viva Hookie Street.
29:40Long live Hookie Street.
29:43St. Magnifique Hookie Street.
29:46Magnifique Hookie Street.
29:50Hookie Street.
29:54Hookie Street.
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