- 4 months ago
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😹
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00:30Happy be good to the elderly, yay, Grandmama!
00:42Okay, boys, let her rip!
00:53Yay! Nice one, Grandmama!
00:56Hey, Aunt Bernice, why didn't we wait for Dad and Ajax?
00:58Oh, we're never sure if Ajax will get on the right school bus,
01:01and I don't give a rodent's rump if your father's excluded from family gatherings.
01:05Oh, yeah, we forgot.
01:07Charles, Mambo, speaking of Ajax, have you noticed anything strange about him?
01:12He has one head.
01:17Yeah, yeah, save it for the courtroom.
01:19We'll see if you're in good humor then.
01:21Oh.
01:23A little ice cream with your cake?
01:24Hello, progeny.
01:25Bernice.
01:26Sorry I missed the celebration, but I spent a long, tireless day wading through the muck,
01:29making an honest go of it, the consummate provider,
01:31putting food on the table and warm garments on the backs of my loved ones.
01:35The dog track in Tijuana called.
01:37You left your sunglasses there today.
01:38So I had a little downtime.
01:39Well, now that we have the obligatory lies out of the way,
01:43I have to talk to you about Ajax.
01:45I got a call from the school.
01:46He's been sent to the office every day for the past week.
01:49That's not a problem.
01:50It's just part of growing up, Bernice.
01:52He's testing his limits.
01:53If any son of mine was behaving weirdly, don't you think I'd notice?
01:56Help!
01:57It's not just school.
01:59He hasn't been himself lately.
02:01Who is it?
02:03Ajax.
02:04You don't have to knock here.
02:05You can just come in.
02:06I knew there was one house I could do that at.
02:11Seems fine to me.
02:12Duckman, did you see that?
02:13He just went past a cake without burying his head
02:15and then wolfing it down until he was choking and had to come up for air.
02:19Hmm.
02:20Maybe I should talk to him.
02:22Talk to him?
02:23You mean like you ask him what the problem is,
02:25he tells you, then you say something that helps?
02:27What, you think I'm not up to it?
02:28You think I'm not a good parent?
02:29You think just because I'm a hard-billed detective,
02:31I can't relate to my boy like a father.
02:35So, you say everything's fine, but we know better.
02:39Don't we?
02:39I thought you wanted to talk to me like a father.
02:43Okay.
02:44So, uh, son, uh, here's five bucks.
02:47Buy yourself a book on solving teenagers' problems.
02:49Thanks, Doc.
02:50No sweat, son.
02:51We should have these heart-to-hearts more often.
02:55Keyhole needed a little oil.
02:58I couldn't quite overhear all of it.
02:59What did you find out?
03:00That if I'm really gonna get to the bottom of this,
03:02it's gonna take the investigative skills
03:04of a top-notch detective.
03:06We can't afford that.
03:08Why don't you do it?
03:12You said we were going undercover as high school students.
03:14What's with the get-up?
03:15I thought the Grange look was in.
03:16Actually, Duckman, that's grunge.
03:18Oh.
03:19Like you fit in.
03:21Hey, my parents are in Europe.
03:23Want to come to my house for a party tonight?
03:25Are you kidding?
03:26We'd love to.
03:28Ew, gross.
03:29We weren't talking to you, old man.
03:32I moisturize.
03:33Let's go.
03:34School's about to start.
03:36I'm so afraid.
03:42I don't want to.
03:43I don't want to.
03:43I don't want to.
03:44I'm scared.
03:51Yes, sir.
03:52I'll tell them the good news.
03:54Boys, we're going to Bosnia.
03:56Finally, some decent quiet.
03:58Wow, they really cleaned this place up since last time I was here.
04:03Guess that corporate sponsorship really helped.
04:08Hey, look.
04:09It's Ajax.
04:22All right, Corny, let's go.
04:23And remember, we're here to observe them.
04:25Be as inconspicuous as possible.
04:28What are you doing here?
04:38Me?
04:39I, I, uh, uh, um...
04:41Hey, everyone.
04:42It's Farmer Brown of Farmer Brown's Sausage Sticks.
04:45His meat-like products are gristle-licious.
04:47Baby.
04:51Chris?
04:53Chris?
04:54Oh, that's better.
04:58I'd hate to have to hurt anybody.
05:00This morning, I've been asked to add sex education to the curriculum.
05:05Terrific.
05:05How timely.
05:06Oh, that'll help.
05:07Maybe next we'll listen to some loud, parent-hating Satan music.
05:11We'll start with a short film about breasts, entitled Memories, Functional Necessities, or Big Round Orbs of Pleasure.
05:19Woo-hoo!
05:20Yeah!
05:20Bring on the br...
05:21Oh, you said, uh, breasts.
05:24I-I-I thought you said we were having a test.
05:26Ha-ha-ha!
05:27Just one of those nuts who just loves tests.
05:29Can't wait to get my hands on them.
05:31Bigger the better!
05:32But, uh, oh, this'll be fine, too, I guess.
05:36Yes.
05:37Well, shall we begin our unholy tumbled-into-rank-and-seedy debauchery?
05:43Perfect.
05:44Per usual, I'll excuse myself to the vice-principal's office now.
05:50I told them that's what happens when a boy gets a-burning in his loins.
05:55Let's go, Corny.
05:56Ajax is obviously troubled.
05:57This might be my best chance to find out what's wrong.
05:59Cave women almost never wore brassieres.
06:02And as you can see, those caves got pretty chilly.
06:05Of course we don't want to walk out on the opening credits.
06:11Fine.
06:11We'll rent it.
06:15Hold it, maggots.
06:17Nobody gets in here without first being a disciplinary problem.
06:21We gotta get in there.
06:22They're probably talking about what's bothering them right now.
06:29Did you do this?
06:31What of it?
06:32Schoolboard is a collective noun.
06:35Conjugation, young man.
06:38Conjugation.
06:41Give me your lunch money.
06:42Give me your bus money.
06:43Then give me all the money you saved up for college.
06:44What are you gonna do about this?
06:47Who should I make it out to?
06:49Nothing works, Corny.
06:51You can't buy your way into that office.
06:53Perhaps a break.
06:54I brought some crudité.
06:55I was wondering where we'd eat.
06:56Thank God you remembered food.
06:58Did you say the G word?
07:01You said God.
07:02And one thing we won't stand for is prayer in school.
07:04You're going to the vice principal's office.
07:09Farmer Brown.
07:10What'd they get you for?
07:13Dodd?
07:13I got sent to the vice principal's office.
07:16Did I go home by mistake?
07:17No, son.
07:18I came down here because I was worried about you.
07:21You've been acting strangely, and I wanted to find out why.
07:24It's all quite wonderful, actually.
07:26I'm in love.
07:28In love!
07:41You hear that, Corny?
07:42My son's in love.
07:43Little Ajax.
07:44First of my brood.
07:45Fruit of my loom.
07:47Oh, what a great and glorious day for the Duckman clan.
07:49When my boy meets a girl and...
07:52We, uh, are talking girl, right?
07:55Dodd.
07:56Yeah, right, of course.
07:57So, if you have any questions about handling women,
07:59feel free to ask your old been-around-the-block dad.
08:02He'll tell you how to turn on the key,
08:03how to get them motor revving,
08:05how to shove in the clutch.
08:06Do I need my driver's license for this?
08:08Nah.
08:09Just gotta know your way around the back seat.
08:11Duckman!
08:13Aunt Bernice, what are you doing here with Charles and Mambo?
08:18That's not Charles and Mambo, dear.
08:20The vice principal called me down here
08:22to talk about Ajax getting sent to her office again.
08:24What are you doing here?
08:25Get into the bottom of this Ajax business,
08:28and I'm here to report that it looks a lot worse
08:30than it actually is.
08:31Not unlike nipple clamps.
08:35I'll just go play Yahtzee with the cheerleaders.
08:38Look, Bernice, what I'm trying to tell you is
08:40all that's bothering Ajax is that,
08:42well, for the first time, he's in love.
08:45In love!
08:47Oh, our Ajax is becoming a man!
08:51Now punishing number 132!
08:54That's us, Ajax.
08:55Can't wait to hear all about your little girlfriend.
08:58You are so cute!
09:01Let's get this thing straightened out, Bernice.
09:03I know how to deal with these power-hungry,
09:05child-beating drill sergeant wannabes.
09:07Mr. Duckman, Bernice, come in.
09:11I'm Vanessa Lepert, the new vice principal.
09:13I'm gonna, I'm gonna, ah-wah!
09:15Very impressive, Mr. Duckman,
09:17but why are you telling me in Cherokee
09:18that you have raccoons in your pants?
09:20We, we encourage the children to be multilingual.
09:23Um, how do you do?
09:24Fine, thank you.
09:25Nice to meet you.
09:28I'm sorry, I'm not as well-versed in Persian.
09:32Maybe I should open a window.
09:34Please, have a seat.
09:35I'm sorry, I have such a full day today.
09:45Do you mind if I eat lunch while we talk?
09:47Of course not.
09:48The truth is, I've got some rather surprising news about Ajax.
09:57Actually, we may already have an idea.
10:00We were just talking to him outside.
10:02Well, then you know.
10:03He's, uh, in love.
10:05Yes, he told us.
10:08We think it's so sweet.
10:10Well, judging by your reaction,
10:12he hasn't told you everything.
10:16I don't understand.
10:17What hasn't he told us?
10:19Well, he hasn't told you who he's in love with.
10:23Ajax.
10:23He's in love with me.
10:26You!
10:27I know it's a shock, but I thought it was best that you know.
10:30He gets in trouble in class every day just so he can come into my office.
10:33Well, it is a shock.
10:35Not that I don't remember what it's like to have a crush on an older authority figure.
10:39Oh, my, no.
10:41When I was a little girl, I loved to play tennis.
10:44The summer of my 14th year, when my womanhood was just beginning to bloom, I went to tennis camp.
10:52The tennis pro's name was Dick Sampson, and he was magnificent.
10:56One night, one fateful night, we snuck onto the court, he turned the ball server up to ten,
11:03and we spent hours working on my grip.
11:07All right, Blanche, save the rest for Halloween.
11:10Listen, Vanessa, this is serious, very serious.
11:13Now, I was thinking, maybe if Ajax saw you making mad, passionate, sticky love to someone else,
11:18he'd forget about you.
11:19But who could we get?
11:20Hmm, who could we get?
11:22Wait a minute, it just hit me.
11:24Yeah, so why if you don't shut up.
11:26This is a delicate situation.
11:28A boy's first love is a very special memory.
11:31Of course it is, especially if he doesn't have to pay for it.
11:34Speaking of which, would a 50 help you decide?
11:36Duckman, you're embarrassing me.
11:37You're right, Bernice.
11:39I'm sorry.
11:39Make that an even hundred.
11:41Duckman!
11:41Hey, it's for Ajax.
11:43We're talking tax-free.
11:45You'll have to excuse him, Miss Lepert.
11:47His lobotomy was pushed back two weeks.
11:49Actually, there's one more thing you both need to know.
11:52This is very awkward, forgive me.
11:54But the truth is, I love Ajax back.
12:01You're in love with Ajax?
12:03Don't worry.
12:03It isn't a physical relationship.
12:05He's just so impetuous and innocent.
12:08He's my stridex-scented Viking.
12:11And I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
12:13I'm sorry, I have to go.
12:15I'm looking forward to talking to you more.
12:17Wait!
12:17Getting back to you and me.
12:18Did I mention I have a friend who could make you a deal on snow tires?
12:21Okay, final offer.
12:23Five hundred bucks to do a couple of jumping jacks.
12:25And I don't even have to be in the room.
12:26Just phone me and tell me when you do it.
12:33I'm telling you, Corny, no way a woman of such delicious fleshitude would be interested in a wedgie like Ajax.
12:38She has an ulterior motive and I'm going to do whatever it takes to expose her.
12:41Oh, there she is.
12:46You okay, Duckman?
12:49Just tell me what she's doing, will ya?
12:51Nothing much.
12:51She just took off her bath towel and now she's rubbing herself down with lotion, giving herself a full frontal massage, and bending over to touch her toes for no other reason than the sheer joy of it.
12:59I'll tell you this, without breast reduction, she's going to have a lot of back trouble.
13:03She's not even in the room!
13:07Hee hee, little surveillance humor.
13:09Duckman, you are here first and foremost out of love and concern for your child.
13:12Of course I am!
13:13Why would you even dare to suggest otherwise?
13:15Maybe it was the way you said, hey, Corny, let's go get a look at her naked.
13:18I can have more than one reason for doing something!
13:21Corny, someone's at the door.
13:22Behold a partner in crime!
13:24It's Ajax.
13:25Give me those!
13:25Oh my god!
13:28He's not doing what I think he's doing!
13:30He's gonna give her a pedicure!
13:32I won't have any kid of mine doing something so medial!
13:34Let's go!
13:38And then they left in her car.
13:39I tried running after him, but Cornfed here slowed me down.
13:42You couldn't let go of the binoculars.
13:44This is all your fault, Duckman.
13:46Ajax ran off with a beautiful woman because it's his father's biggest fantasy!
13:49Actually, my biggest fantasy involves you, Liverloaf, and a pack of starving Rottweilers!
13:55Oh, yeah.
13:58Ajax, you're home!
13:59All right, listen, libido boy.
14:00I want the truth and nothing but the truth.
14:02Straight, no chaser, no gilding the lily.
14:04What's going on with you and Vanessa?
14:05We're getting married.
14:07Don't you have the common sense to know when to lie about something?
14:10Duckman!
14:11All right, look.
14:12As long as you live under my roof, you'll do what I say.
14:14And I say no way a you and Miss pass up the chance of a lifetime to rob the cradle instead,
14:19getting married!
14:20I'd hope for your blessing, Don, but I'm old enough to make decisions on my own.
14:24Aren't I?
14:26Ajax, dear Vanessa Harlot, what Duckman's trying to say in his own barely intelligible kind
14:32of way is that there's no rush.
14:34You have time.
14:35Surely this can wait.
14:36Oh, my head says you're right, Bernice.
14:38But my heart says don't listen.
14:39I love your nephew.
14:40He's touched me in places no one has ever touched me before.
14:44Don't you even think of saying it.
14:46Famili, my mind is made up.
14:47We're leaving tonight for South of the Border to go to Shady Raul's Wedding Bed Resort.
14:53Adios.
14:54Isn't he adorable?
14:57Duckman, say something!
14:59Ajax!
15:00Can you bring back one of those black velvet paintings of Elvis?
15:03What?
15:04He's going anyway.
15:05Welcome to Mexico.
15:18Do you have anything to declare?
15:20Just that the snarling behemoth in the seat next to me is not my wife.
15:25Look, Duckman, either we put aside our deep-seated, and in my case, justifiable antagonism, and
15:30pretend to be newlyweds, or we don't find Ajax.
15:33What's it going to be?
15:34I'm thinking!
15:46Greetings, Mr. Duckman.
15:47How are you and the lovely wife today?
15:49I'm fine.
15:50She's dead.
15:50Whoa!
15:51He means dead on my feet, don't you, Snookums?
15:54We've had a long drive, and my husband is a little cranky.
16:02Or then we'll get you muy pronto to your honeymoon love nest.
16:06Any place without witnesses will do.
16:11Room 2016.
16:13The Jungle Suite.
16:15Say, amigo, any chance of getting an extra bed and a couple of rolls of barbed wire in there?
16:22My pookie is such a kidder!
16:31Duckman!
16:31What the hell are you doing, Bernice?
16:33You want me to go blind?
16:34Listen, you dust mite, you're supposed to be looking for Ajax.
16:37If you can't even do that right, make yourself useful and oil my back.
16:49Hi.
16:50I'm Kiki, your social director, who got the job because I'm perkier than a ferret.
16:54So, might I give you a tour of our wonderful resort?
16:57We'd rather just lie here and get skin cancer if it's okay with you.
17:00What a lovely way to see who else is staying here.
17:08And finally, we have our marriage coliseum.
17:10We're able to keep our rates so low because we deal in bulk.
17:13Do you take your boyfriend, girlfriend, sibling, parent, pet, or plant to be your lawfully wedded mate?
17:19I do!
17:21We've seen this place from soup to nuts and no sign of the kid.
17:23Where could he be?
17:25Maybe he's doing what most grooms do with their new brides.
17:28What, you think he gambled away all their wedding gifts and told his wife the room was broken into?
17:31Let's go.
17:32We're going to scour every square inch of this place again till we find him.
17:39Wow.
17:40Tomorrow at this time, I'll be Mr. Vanessa.
17:48Denise, the floss.
17:50Oh.
17:50I said I'm exhausted.
17:52We spent the whole day and night looking and we still didn't find him.
17:55Now we have to get a few hours sleep and start again.
17:57Well, at least we got a hot tub.
17:59My muscles haven't been this loose since Beatrice used to...
18:01Well, it's been a long time.
18:05Nice room, isn't it?
18:06There's even a bottle of champagne.
18:09Call of the Beast.
18:10Must be very rare.
18:11I've never heard of Nairobi vineyards.
18:15Little bubbly?
18:15I know.
18:16It's the water jets plus that damn digestive problem of mine.
18:19Hey, you didn't mean the water, did you?
18:22I wonder what this does.
18:31Wow.
18:31There must be speakers hidden all over the room.
18:34I think there's even one under the water.
18:35No way.
18:36Hop in.
18:36You can feel it.
18:38See?
18:39It vibrates.
18:41You're right.
18:42Bernice, don't take this the wrong way, but you look very attractive tonight.
18:57In an I-know-you're-still-the-shrewish-and-hateful-bane-of-my-existence kind of way.
19:01You know, you look better to me than you usually do, too.
19:13I don't know if you remember, but this isn't the first time we've been in a hot tub together.
19:18That night at the Dickinson's party, I snuck up from behind you, thinking you were Beatrice.
19:22Yeah.
19:24I'm sorry I slapped you.
19:26It was an honest mistake.
19:27We were identical twins.
19:29If I remember correctly, there were a couple of differences.
19:34You know, you didn't have any trouble filling out that swimsuit yourself.
19:40Well.
19:41Well.
19:48Hey, Zeus Marimba!
19:54Hamina, hamina, ha-wah!
19:56Woo!
19:57Woo!
20:09No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
20:09oh right force of habit who is it it's us
20:38Dodd I'm Bernice I can't believe what I'm seeing I'm appalled
20:43Ajax there's a simple you're always telling me about Mr. Wrinkle and here you didn't hang up any of your clothes
20:49vacation son it's allowed on vacation Ajax where have you been we looked all over for you
20:54we've been here you both seem so upset about Vanessa and I being engaged I figured you'd like to know
21:00we're not getting married you're not we thought my offer huh actually Dodd it's because we really
21:05don't know each other well enough and I'm too young anyway we'll get married later when he
21:10won't make my car insurance skyrocket I'm very proud of you son me too Ajax thanks Don thanks
21:16aunt Bernice the important thing is you let me make my own decision thanks for treating me like
21:21a grown-up who can figure out things for himself well that worked out yeah sure did Bernice look it
21:38didn't happen right absolutely not even in the realm of possibility
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