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00:01In 1997, MI5's top agents gathered in Thames House for a secret meeting.
00:07This is that meeting.
00:16Director, Prince Andrew is here for his briefing.
00:19Your Majesty, thank you.
00:21I came as soon as I could.
00:23Thank you, Your Majesty.
00:24We appreciate that with the recent passing of Diana, this is a difficult time for the family.
00:36She was such a beautiful woman.
00:39Prince Andrew, no one knows better than us how charming, capable, fiercely intelligent and morally upstanding you are.
00:48You are a credit to princes everywhere.
00:52You're too kind.
00:53Since the death of Diana, the public have turned on Prince Charles, but still, one day he will be king.
00:58King, we need to make him look good.
01:01There's no easy way to say this, Your Highness.
01:04We have deduced that the only way to increase the likeability of our future king
01:08is to decrease the likeability of everyone around him.
01:14I see.
01:15Well, I love my brother, I love my country, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes.
01:20We hoped you'd say that.
01:23We have prepared a 29-year plan.
01:28To slowly, but surely make the entire country think you are a...
01:32Well, have a little read.
01:40Huh.
01:44It's, uh...
01:47Huh.
01:49We're aware it's a lot.
01:51And you actually want me to do all of this stuff?
01:54Sadly, yes.
01:56Even the part about befriending a notorious paedophile.
02:01That's an important part of it, yeah.
02:04Before and after he's convicted.
02:07Right, okay.
02:07Of course.
02:08And there's absolutely no other way to make my brother look good.
02:11Well, we're also going to push an environmental angle for him, but it will be half-arsed.
02:17This all seems very high-risk.
02:20God, I'm...
02:20I'm sweating.
02:23Of course you are, Andrew.
02:24Of course you are.
02:26But surely you can't make everyone around Charles unlikable.
02:29I mean, what about William?
02:30He's so handsome.
02:32We're seeing to that.
02:37And Harry?
02:38He's going to marry a woman 98% of the UK public will find it impossible to have a normal
02:43conversation about.
02:46Oh, heavens.
02:47I'm afraid this will kill mummy when the news comes out.
02:50Turn to page 72, it will.
02:54Gosh.
02:55I'm afraid of doing this alone.
02:56Isn't there anyone in government who can go on this journey with me?
03:01Send in Agent Mandelson.
03:06Gentlemen.
03:08Peter Mandelson.
03:09The most honourable ethical politician we have.
03:14No-one will believe he's corruptible.
03:17I'm sorry, Andrew.
03:18The responsibility in our shoulders is more than any man can bear.
03:22And are people going to think you did all this stuff?
03:25Kind of.
03:28Well, for Britain, I'm in.
03:32I'm in too.
03:33Oh, Fergie.
03:36Sorry, I'm late.
03:37What do you need?
03:39Nothing, Fergie.
03:39You've done so much already.
03:43What's she doing here?
03:45We got divorced a year ago.
03:47Agent Ferguson has been on the payroll since 86.
03:50You wouldn't believe how good she's made you guys look by comparison.
03:53I know, and I know I can do more.
03:56Go further.
03:57Be more odd.
04:00I could drop more nudes.
04:02Suck more toes.
04:03Make my walk even weirder.
04:11The one thing that might help is if you stay by Andrew's side.
04:14Live with him, without explanation, for the next 29 years.
04:20Sure, I'm going to do that anyway.
04:23And remember, your highness, if you're ever in too deep, just say the code word and we'll
04:27step in to save you.
04:28What's the code word?
04:30Pizza.
04:31Express.
04:34Woking.
04:36I'm not sure how I'd ever fit that into a conversation, but I'll make it sound as
04:42natural as possible.
04:43Good man.
04:44Good man.
04:45Well, here goes nothing.
04:47Gentlemen, thank you, and say goodbye to the man you know and love.
04:52I'll see you in 2026, where I can finally hold my head up high and say,
04:58Live from London, it's Saturday Night Live!
05:09It's Saturday Night Live!
05:13With...
05:17Hammond Anemachown!
05:23Ayoade Bonboye!
05:30Larry Dean!
05:42Oh
06:01Kyle Nash
06:05Jack Sheff
06:13Emma Ciddy
06:19Patty Young
06:26Musical cast
06:28Wolf Alex
06:32And your host, Jamie Dornan
06:43Ladies and gentlemen, Jamie Dornan
07:01Thank you, thank you
07:03Thank you very much
07:06I'm very happy to be here as the first ever host of SNL UK
07:11Since the first ever host of SNL UK
07:14My name is Jamie Dornan
07:15I am...
07:18I'm the star of the fall
07:20The Oscar winning film Belfast
07:22And of course
07:23Your auntie's favourite dreams
07:27Now over the years
07:28You know, it's fair to say
07:29You've all seen a lot of me
07:31And
07:32And by that I mean
07:34My arse
07:37But there is another part of me
07:39That you've not seen
07:41So tonight
07:44I've decided
07:48To follow broadcast guidelines and keep it that way
07:52But I will reveal something far more intimate about myself
07:57Because I'm not just a sex symbol who looks sexy in everything he does
08:02I am also a guy who collects rocks
08:07That look like potatoes
08:11Bring them out boys
08:12Come on
08:18There are my girls
08:23Look at these gorgeous little things
08:24And no
08:25This isn't a joke
08:29God knows I wish it was
08:32And if you
08:33If you Google
08:35Jamie Dornan
08:36Potato rocks
08:37You'll see that I'm telling the truth
08:40Trust me, this is real
08:41I look for these when I'm on holiday
08:44I mean
08:45This one looks exactly like a chip
08:53You know, people say
08:54Well, you can't care that much
08:56Because you've only got five
08:58But that's wrong
09:00If I cared less
09:01I'd have way more
09:02My standards are like very, very high
09:06Like take this one for example
09:08Can we get a close-up on this?
09:10I mean, isn't she beautiful?
09:16Seriously, this is who you want to sleep with?
09:19Not me, your rocks suck
09:21I think they're suck
09:24Hang on, I recognise that voice
09:25Was that Chris O'Dowd?
09:26That's right, it's me
09:28Your greatest enemy
09:29And personal friend
09:30Chris O'Dowd
09:31Yeah
09:32Yeah
09:33Yeah
09:33Yeah
09:35Yeah
09:35Yeah
09:37What's going on?
09:39Yeah
09:40Couldn't help but notice
09:42That you're showing off
09:43Your spud rocks again
09:46You
09:47Pebble
09:48Slag
09:51Seriously, Chris
09:52I mean, do you really have to
09:53Turn up in the middle of
09:54Everything I do and ruin it?
09:55Is that what you're going to do?
09:56Well, it seems that
09:57Maybe I do have to do that, Jamie
10:01Uh, okay
10:02Um
10:03I don't really
10:03I mean, what do you want?
10:05Well, you are the man
10:07Who's got everything, huh?
10:09But maybe you don't have
10:11Everything
10:11Maybe you're missing
10:13A little something
10:17You've swapped one of my rocks
10:18For a potato?
10:19Yes, I did do that
10:20For some reason
10:23And here's the best bit, huh?
10:26Smell it
10:30I'm not
10:31I'm not going to
10:31Smell my spud, darn it
10:37Yeah
10:38That's right
10:39It's not even Irish
10:42Just domestic slap
10:44Okay, right
10:45I'm sorry
10:46I'm going to have to deal with this
10:47Uh, we've got a great one
10:48For you tonight
10:48Wolf Alistair here
10:50So stick around
10:50Enjoy the show
10:51Right, come on
10:52Don't give me
10:53Car, car, car
11:03Hola, amigos
11:05We out here in Bristol airport
11:06And we are going
11:08To Spania
11:09The most beautiful place in the world
11:12A country of art
11:13Culture
11:14And culinary delights
11:16And when we get there
11:17There's only one place we're going to go
11:20Bye
11:25Celebrations
11:25Pop, pop, pop, pop
11:27Just like Britain, but in Spain
11:29It's the British thing
11:30Pop, pop, pop, pop
11:32It's run by Gary and Jane
11:34It's the British thing
11:35Pop, pop, pop, pop
11:37Newcastle shirt
11:38In the frame of the British thing
11:40Pop, pop, pop, pop
11:42Yeah, yeah
11:43It's the British thing
11:45I know a place
11:46That I gotta get to
11:47Package holiday
11:48Flying jet to
11:49Three euro beer
11:51Two euro shot
11:51It's just like the pub
11:53By my house
11:53But hot
11:55Alicante
11:55Mallorca
11:56And Benidorm
11:57I don't want to speak Spanish
11:58In any form
11:59In your football shirt
12:00In my carry-on
12:01So everybody knows
12:02I'm also from
12:03Where they are from
12:05Everything we need
12:07Menus we can read
12:08On a big screen
12:09They've got West Ham leads
12:10Come on!
12:11Watch
12:11Flexing while we Brexit
12:13In the Spanish
12:13In my lexicon
12:14I'm wearing a sombrero
12:15Even though these things are Mexican
12:16I met a last repress
12:17And I was sex
12:18And no protection
12:19Make a bunch of babies
12:20Bring me back
12:20So the British thing
12:21Pop, pop, pop, pop
12:23We're in the Mediterranean
12:25The British thing
12:26Pop, pop, pop, pop
12:28And we don't speak Spanian
12:31Pop, pop, pop, pop
12:32They import the walkers
12:33In my little pie
12:34Yeah, that's where the pork is
12:36HP, Rochester
12:37Got all the sauces
12:38Menu so extravagant
12:39I'm having four courses
12:40Eggs
12:41And chips
12:42Pasta
12:42And chips
12:43Fish fingers
12:43And a frozen garlic bread
12:44And an English
12:45Kneel down the tribute
12:46At playing the hits
12:47Some burnt ladies
12:49Are swinging the hips
12:50Oh, we're going to Ibiza
12:53Me and all my chicas
12:56To eat some chips and pizza
12:58I know the British thing
13:00Pop, pop, pop, pop
13:02I'm playing darts with dad
13:04I'm British thing
13:05Pop, pop, pop, pop
13:07Why does Melissa look sad?
13:11Un año en juolingo
13:13Pa este viaje
13:16Pero en el ba
13:17Nadie me entuyende
13:20I don't know what you're saying
13:29What the f*** are you talking about?
13:31Don't just make up words
13:32Guys, this isn't right
13:34We've come all this way
13:35Just to replicate our own culture
13:37Like, surely we should at least
13:38Broaden our horizon
13:39She's right
13:40We're too narrow-minded
13:41There's got to be more to Spain
13:42Than British-themed pubs
13:44Hey
13:46I know a kiss
13:52Follow me
13:56To the Irish team
13:57To the Irish team
13:57Pop, pop, pop, pop
13:59Only thing better than a British
14:01Is an Irish team
14:02Pop, pop, pop, pop
14:04Even though they are quite similar
14:06Irish team
14:07Come on, you sexy mamas
14:08I got the Irish tapas
14:09Got no potatoes bravas
14:10But I got the plain potatoes
14:12From Dublin to Marbella
14:13I've never tried paella
14:14But I'm a lucky fella
14:15Cos I own an Irish team
14:17In speed
14:43I'm a lucky fella
14:52I've got Amy
14:53She's alive
14:54And she stays that way
14:55If you listen carefully
14:57I need 250 grand
14:59In cash
15:00So I guess
15:01How much
15:01Do you care
15:02About your girlfriend?
15:06What?
15:07What?
15:08Hi, sorry
15:09Um
15:12It's just
15:13We haven't really been
15:15Saying
15:16Girlfriend, boyfriend
15:20But I'm really comfortable
15:21With everything else
15:22You've said so far
15:23Shut up
15:23I'm warning you
15:30I've got Amy
15:31She's alive
15:32And if you want to see
15:33Your friend
15:34Oh, no
15:35Just to clarify
15:39We are seeing each other
15:40Like he's practically
15:41My boyfriend
15:46Yeah, you got it
15:47You go
15:48Go, go, go, go
15:52I've got Amy
15:54She's alive
15:55God, it would just
15:56Literally kill me
15:57If you knew
15:57If you knew I was
15:58Referring to him
15:58As my boyfriend
16:05Okay, so
16:06You're sleeping together?
16:08Yeah, so basically
16:09We
16:11We were friends
16:12First
16:13And then we had this kiss
16:15But it was just
16:16This like
16:16Drunk thing
16:17Like we didn't even
16:18Speak about it
16:18Which is like
16:19Crazy
16:20Like you would have
16:20Thought like
16:21I'd have the confidence
16:22To like
16:22Just bring it up
16:23But like
16:23I'm not an extrovert
16:25Like what everyone thinks
16:25Like
16:27Like
16:28I'm hesitant to join
16:29A conga line
16:30For God's sake
16:31So yeah
16:32Then like
16:32A few weeks later
16:33We
16:34We
16:35Randomly slept together
16:35And then we just like
16:36Kept sleeping together
16:37And then
16:38You put me in the boot
16:38Of your car
16:39And now we're here
16:39So like
16:40What would you decide
16:45Listen
16:48When I was watching you
16:50Both through the tiny
16:51Crack in the wardrobe door
16:55I thought you looked
16:56Really comfortable together
16:57Oh my god
17:02Girl
17:02Thank you for saying
17:05Like
17:06I don't know
17:06Like
17:07We do know each other
17:08Intimately
17:08And like
17:09Like I could describe
17:10His handwriting to you
17:11Oh my god
17:15I'm so sorry
17:15I don't know
17:16Why I'm getting so upset
17:17No
17:18No of course
17:19I mean
17:19This is an intense situation
17:21I've got a gun
17:23I know I should just like
17:24Not care
17:24But like
17:25He's so fit
17:26Like
17:27He's like a fit version
17:28Of you
17:30Yeah I mean hey
17:31You don't have to tell me twice
17:32You know
17:32I saw him when I was
17:34Creeping on you
17:37Okay like
17:38You can like
17:39Totally say
17:39If this is crazy
17:40Obviously
17:40But like
17:41Do you think
17:42There's a way
17:43You could ask him
17:44Where his head's at
17:48Girl
17:49I gotta ask for the money
17:50Anyway
17:50So
17:51Of course
17:53Just send it
17:55On my phone
17:57I probably
17:59Should have taken
17:59That off you
18:00Before
18:00So I'll text him
18:02No we're not married
18:04Just Instagram DM
18:11I have Amy
18:12I need to know
18:14Do you care about her
18:16Do you want her to be
18:17Your girlfriend
18:19Do you have other girls
18:20To fall back on
18:21If she goes missing
18:23I mean
18:23What are your hopes
18:24For the future
18:26Like do you even
18:26Want to have kids
18:28And once I know all that
18:31I'll send through the demands
18:37I feel so nervous
18:38I know
18:38Like what if he airs me
18:39Oh
18:41Hey if he won't pay
18:42If he won't pay 250 grand
18:44To stop me from chopping
18:45Into little pieces
18:46Then he doesn't deserve you
18:51Oh my god
18:52He's typing
18:54He stopped
18:55Should I send him another text
18:57No no no
18:57Don't double text
19:00Maybe we should upload
19:01An Instagram story
19:02Of your little girl
19:03Handing my boy hand
19:03Oh my god
19:04Okay it's genius
19:05Yeah
19:05Oh my god
19:06He sent a video
19:07Oh my god
19:07Oh my god
19:08Mmm
19:08Mmm
19:09Mate
19:10Yo listen
19:11I'm sorry that
19:12You were being held hostage
19:13Like that
19:14And all that
19:14And all that stuff
19:14But
19:15I just feel like
19:16I really need to be
19:18Single right now
19:19Obviously like
19:20If you do escape
19:21Then link me
19:22And um
19:23I can
19:24Babe I'm coming
19:25Babe
19:25Oh my god
19:26Oh
19:26Babe
19:27Oh
19:28Oh my god
19:29Oh my god
19:30I'm so sorry
19:31That's happened to you babe
19:32Babe like
19:33I'm sorry
19:33This has happened to you
19:34Like you clearly
19:35Put so much work
19:36Into like
19:37Like setting this whole thing up
19:39No it's like
19:40So
19:40So not on
19:41That I'm gonna have to
19:42Kill you now
19:42Babe like
19:43In the spirit of being direct
19:45Like
19:46I have taken your gun
19:49Okay
19:50But I am gonna escape
19:52Oh she's the CEO
19:53Of her own future
19:57Oh
20:00Promise me
20:01You won't go back
20:01To him
20:02Babe
20:03I will
20:04Ah
20:16ELEENOR
20:18Sweetheart
20:18It's one in the morning
20:19What are you doing
20:19Putting the clocks forward
20:21Daddy
20:22Daylight saving time
20:23If we don't change the clocks
20:25Tonight
20:26He'll get us
20:27Who's gonna get us
20:28ELEENOR
20:28The time man
20:29He waits for us
20:30At the end of every year
20:31And brings the new one in
20:32With song
20:33He keeps the seasons
20:34In his pockets
20:34The keeper of the clocks
20:36The boogie woogie man
20:38Jules Holland
20:40That's just a myth
20:41ELEENOR
20:42It's true
20:43He brings the new year
20:45In with his hootenanny
20:45And every spring
20:46He flies across the country
20:48To check that we've
20:48Changed the clocks
20:50But have you forgotten
20:52He imprisons our souls
20:53In his boogie woogie wonderland
20:55I know all the stories
20:56Come on
20:56Let's get to bed
20:57Okay
21:01It's too late
21:02He's here
21:03Who?
21:05Ladies and gentlemen
21:05Olivia D
21:06Cox
21:07No
21:095
21:104
21:10Better change the clocks
21:12I'm nearly here
21:133
21:132
21:15Coloma fights him later
21:171
21:21Good evening everybody
21:23Have you had a good winter?
21:24Greenest grand genetics
21:26Jane Cullum's here
21:31Josh Stone everyone
21:32Playing a cut off
21:33Her new album
21:33Super duper loud
21:36He wants his hour
21:38If we give him his hour
21:39Then he'll go
21:40Oh very good
21:41Bang on time
21:42Sting will be pleased
21:50You forgot the oven
21:52Where's my hour?
21:58Big year for you dad
21:59What's next?
22:01I think he wants an anecdote
22:03Does it have to be funny?
22:04Not really
22:04Tell the lovely people
22:05What's in store?
22:07That's all of an end
22:08Start here everybody
22:10We love you
22:10We welcome you
22:11More jewels
22:12Well
22:13I'm not called jewel Holland
22:14Am I?
22:15Ha ha
22:16Ha ha
22:17Jessie J
22:18What are you doing?
22:19I forgot to change the clock
22:20Some of my DVDs
22:22But yeah
22:22Now the truth is on my soul
22:25You didn't give me my hour
22:27Why don't you join me
22:28In my boogie woogie wonderland
22:31Forever
22:32Oh
22:33Oh
22:33Oh
22:34Oh
22:34Oh
22:34Oh
22:34Oh
22:35Oh
22:35Oh
22:35Oh
22:35Oh
22:35Oh
22:35Oh
22:36Oh
22:36Oh
22:36Oh
22:37Oh
22:37Oh
22:39Oh
23:03I'm happy to give it a go with that
23:05Yeah me too
23:05Okay
23:06Right
23:06Well let's just go for one
23:07See what happens
23:09Yeah
23:09Rolling
23:11The battle we're in
23:13Take one
23:16And
23:17Action
23:20Mother
23:20I'm home
23:25Oh
23:29My son
23:31Oh
23:32My son
23:34Oh
23:34My son
23:39Oh
23:40Oh
23:41Oh
23:42Oh
23:42Oh
23:42My son
23:48So
23:49It's her line
23:50Oh
23:50Sorry
23:50Sorry
23:52Yes
23:53Yes
23:53So Stella
23:53A little quicker in on the line
23:54Yes
23:55Quicker on the line
23:55Yep yep yep
23:56Okay great
23:56And remember
23:57You're a mother
23:58Being reunited with her son
23:59Okay
24:00Yes
24:01Got it
24:02Okay rolling
24:04Battle with her son
24:05So battle we're in
24:05Take two
24:08And
24:08Action
24:11Mother
24:13I'm home
24:14Oh
24:15Oh
24:16Oh my son
24:20Oh my son
24:24I've dreamed of this day
24:28Do I seem very different
24:31Well um
24:31I need to
24:32Need to get a look at you
24:34To answer that
24:38You look the same as ever
24:40Oh god
24:41I
24:41I missed you mummy
24:43You know I
24:45I had the strangest time
24:46I met this old man
24:50Whoa
24:50Whoa
24:51Whoa
24:52Whoa
24:52What's going on here
24:53Whoa
24:54I don't think that's the story love
24:56No no no
24:57Sorry no
24:57Sorry I wasn't
24:58No I was just leaning in
24:59To listen
25:00I was like
25:00What are you saying
25:02What are you saying sir
25:03Okay
25:03Yeah
25:04So Stella
25:05You're playing his mother
25:06Yeah
25:07Yeah
25:07Okay
25:08Do you think um
25:09The skirts may be like
25:10A little bit cinched
25:11For mum
25:11Yeah I'm not worried about that
25:12Yeah yeah yeah
25:13Okay we're losing time
25:14Michael we really need to get that speech
25:16Are you happy to just go for it
25:17Yeah I'm ready
25:18Yeah yeah
25:18Okay Stella
25:19Just reactions from you
25:21Okay
25:21Okay
25:21Really almost nothing at all
25:23Yeah
25:23Okay
25:23We're still rolling
25:25Alright
25:25Just reactions
25:26Okay
25:28Action
25:30I know I'm back
25:31But
25:32In a sense I'm
25:33Not really here
25:37The things I've seen
25:39The things I've done
25:45Mother
25:48My mother
25:50Yeah
25:52I've done some bad things
25:53Oh yes
25:54I mean no
25:56Oh no
25:58It keeps me up at night
26:00All night long son
26:03I did some terrible things in the war
26:07Oh naughty
26:09You were so naughty in the war
26:13Cut
26:13Sorry
26:14Sorry
26:15I'm sorry
26:15This is not working for me at all
26:17This is
26:17Get her out of here
26:18No no no no
26:18I can do it
26:19No I can do it
26:20I can do it
26:20No I'm on my side
26:21My sexy side
26:24They thought there was a chance
26:25This might happen
26:26So don't worry
26:27We've already got another actress
26:28Lined up ready to go
26:29Come on
26:30Oh my son
26:34What is happening
26:35No wait
26:36I actually like this one
26:38Okay that's lunch everyone
26:47Ladies and gentlemen
26:49Wolf Ellis
27:00This might love like magnetic properties
27:03Wrote a skull of funky island like they came from me
27:06I don't need to solve my heart
27:09Don't I get to do
27:10Just need your nonsense to the question in the taxi
27:13My sister painted apathy like blasphemy
27:16But I never thought
27:17It's my choice to choose
27:21Who I am
27:21Grace is family
27:23My choice to choose
27:24Yeah
27:24My choice to choose
27:26Yeah
27:26Now who I am
27:28That's important to me
27:32Do what I got
27:34To see the wind wrap the trees
27:39Now who I am
27:41That's important to me
27:44That the branch is right there
27:49I could just wander always
27:55Like a leaf on the southeast breeze
27:58I do not need no ruling
28:01I carry home with me
28:05To be a nomad and dirty
28:08On the waves of the jungle sea
28:11I can see the birds away baby
28:15White horses carry me
28:30To be a nomad and dirty
28:33To be a nomad and dirty
28:43With my home
28:45I can see the birds away
28:45I can see the birds away
28:47I can see the birds away
28:48No people close to me, my choice is she's who I embrace your family
28:53I choose you
28:55Yeah, I choose you
28:56Now here I am, that's important to me
29:03Do what I get to see the wood from the trees
29:09Now here I am, that's important to me
29:15Let the branches wrap their arms
29:23I can just wander always
29:26I can leave for the southeast breeze
29:29I do not need no delivery
29:32I carry you home with me
29:36To me I know I'm falling
29:39On the waves of the Channel Sea
29:42I can see even voidly
29:45White horses carry me
29:49Oh, ah, that's important to me
29:54Do what I get to see the wood from the trees
30:00Oh, ah, that's important to me
30:07Let the branches wrap their arms
30:13Let the branches wrap my arms
30:19Oh, ah, ah
30:21I can just wander always
30:24Like a leaf on the southeast breeze
30:28I do not need no delivery
30:31I carry home with me
30:34To be a dog and flurry
30:37On the waves of the Chambles sea
30:40I can see me live waiting
30:44White crosses sky
31:19It's Weekend Update
31:22With Anya Magliano
31:24And Paddy Young
31:33Good evening and welcome to Weekend Update
31:37I'm Paddy Young
31:37And I'm Anya Magliano
31:42In a world of darkness, horror and despair
31:44We're here to make it worse
31:47Let's have it
31:51The conflict in the Middle East continues to escalate
31:54Israel has intercepted a missile from Yemen
31:57Which has been identified as a Houthi missile
31:59As in, who the hell fired that missile?
32:04While Trump has been insisting that Iran wants a deal so badly
32:08An Iranian military spokesperson has said
32:10Our first and last word from the very first day
32:14Has been, is and will remain
32:16Someone like us will never come to terms with someone like you
32:19Not now and not ever
32:22Oh my God, just kiss already
32:27Corey Edwards, a reform candidate in Wales
32:30Has stepped down
32:31After being photographed while appearing to do a Nazi salute
32:34Reform leader Nigel Farage said it looks terrible
32:37And he's right
32:38The arm's too low, he's grinning
32:41And where's the swastika?
32:42When did Nazis get so sloppy?
32:45Chancellor Rachel Reeves has indicated
32:48That millions of households will get no help from the government
32:51To pay soaring energy bills
32:53Thanks, bitch
32:57A US congressman has made a direct plea to Sarah Ferguson
33:01To testify about her close personal and business ties to Jeffrey Epstein
33:05But to be fair to Fergie
33:07She does have a full diary
33:13Reports have revealed that in the upcoming musical adaptation of Trainspotting
33:18The main character will be addicted not only to heroin
33:21But also to social media
33:24The show will premiere in July
33:25And is being directed by your Year 11 drama teacher
33:31Leonid Ravinsky, the owner of OnlyFans, has died
33:33So gentlemen, when you're visiting the site this week
33:36Lower your penises to half mass
33:41Beautiful funeral, by the way
33:43Wasn't a dry tissue in the house
33:47And now
33:47It seems like the whole world is at war
33:50Russia and Ukraine
33:51The Middle East
33:52Chapel Rhone and that tiny girl
33:55By the way, it was actually Sabrina Carpenter's bodyguard
33:57But anyway
33:58War
33:59We could just keep making jokes about it
34:01But first, we do want to check
34:04Are you okay?
34:09This is Hand in Hand with Anya and Pad
34:14We're here to tell you that it's going to be okay
34:16Because we've got each other
34:17World War 3
34:19Sounds scary, huh?
34:20But we've already had two
34:22And don't they say good things come in threes?
34:26Good things can come from war
34:29Antibiotics, jet engines
34:30Something to talk to your dad about
34:33If London gets bombed
34:35House prices will drop
34:37And so will house numbers
34:39We'll all get to live across the two houses that are left
34:42Like in Friends
34:44It might sound scary to have missiles rain down on us
34:47But look on the bright side
34:49Stephen Bartlett might get his face blown off
34:55And who's to say we won't come out on top
34:57As a nation, we've beaten them all
34:59The French, the Germans, foot and mouth
35:02And sure
35:03The bad guys might win
35:05And we end up speaking Ukrainian
35:10But don't worry
35:11We're in this together
35:12We've got you
35:13We've got each other
35:14This has been Hand in Hand with Paddy and Anya
35:25Research has found that pregnant women on the tube
35:28Have to stand for an average of five stops
35:30Before being offered a seat
35:32It seems like a bit of social, basic social etiquette
35:35But please, if you're watching men
35:37Wear a condom
35:40Lux Maxine influencer Clavicula has been arrested
35:43And I'm sure he has no regrets about dedicating his life
35:46To making himself look like a beautiful young boy
35:48Right before he was taken to jail
35:53The former Tory justice minister Crispin Blunt
35:57Has admitted to hosting chem sex parties
35:59And has been fined £1,200 for possessing illegal drugs
36:04Including crystal meth and the sedative GBL
36:07I have to say, he looks surprisingly grumpy
36:10For someone who loves being jacked up on meth
36:13Blunt told the court that he got involved
36:15In the chem sex party scene
36:17To help inform government policy
36:21Blunt is set to publish his research
36:23In a parliamentary advisory paper entitled
36:25Oh my god guys, you have to try chem sex
36:29In his speech to the court
36:31Blunt called for all drugs to be legalised
36:33But he acknowledged that the chem sex lifestyle
36:35Did carry risks
36:36Like coming so hard you drop your poppers
36:40Trust me, it happens
36:43In lighter news
36:44The town of Grantham in Lincolnshire
36:47Has announced that it's reviving its medieval onion fair
36:49The event on October 10th
36:52Will see onion tastings
36:53Onion themed street food
36:55Onion flavoured drinks
36:56And an onion eating competition
36:57So if you're looking for something fun to do on October 10th
36:59So if you're looking for something fun to do on October 10th
37:02Why not avoid Grantham?
37:05An AI generated military influencer and foot fetish model
37:09Has reached over a million followers on Instagram
37:12There she is in her military grade stilettos
37:16Honestly, what kind of a sad, sexually frustrated loser
37:19Would sit alone fantasising about her for hours in my bedroom last night?
37:25A new documentary reveals K-pop group BTS
37:28Struggled to return to music after mandatory military service
37:32So, did the stress of this over-stimulate Jimin
37:35Causing sunflower spillover
37:36And micro-snap towards Jungkook?
37:38And what now?
37:40Will V's whimsical detours
37:41Cause the deep-thinker RM to become over-protective?
37:44And what about the push-ball duo of Sugar and J-Hope?
37:47Can Jin be the quiet stabiliser
37:48Anchoring Jungkook with micro-bubble maintenance?
37:51Or will V use his whimsy shield
37:53To offset bubble drift
37:54And soften Jimin with mirror gestures?
37:57No idea
37:58I've never even heard of BTS
38:03A new report has said that birth rates in the UK are falling
38:06And for a change, us girls are getting the blame for it
38:10Reform's Matt Goodwin has said that the problem is women
38:13Having children too late in life
38:16You know who I wish left having a baby
38:18Till it was too late in life, Matt Goodwin?
38:20Your mum
38:22Here to discuss the ins and outs
38:23Please welcome our own fertility expert and cast member
38:26Ayawadi Bamboye
38:27Thank you for having me
38:32Thank you
38:33So, Ayawadi, you're here to explain why you think birth rates are plummeting?
38:38Yes, and the media would have you thinking that this is a complex issue
38:41But it's actually quite simple
38:42We're not being honest about what the real problem is here
38:46Women not wanting to have babies
38:48Women not wanting to have babies with men like you
38:52Like me? How is this my fault?
38:54Paddy, no one looks at you and thinks yes
38:56Your genes must be preserved for the next generation
39:00What's wrong with old pads?
39:01When was the last time you changed your bedding?
39:03Can you drive?
39:04Have you drank water today?
39:05Had a shower?
39:06How is he going to impregnate anyone?
39:09He's completely dehydrated
39:11His sperm probably looks like dusty oats
39:14Wait, wait a second
39:15What if I told you that most women actually want to have children?
39:18And I'm going to have to say the quiet part out loud
39:21The fact of the matter is men are very, very difficult to be around
39:27Anya, have you watched a man eat?
39:30It's not good
39:32It's so scary
39:33This generation of men just aren't up to it
39:36They're easily overwhelmed
39:37Some even have the audacity to grow a moustache
39:42Moustache is for men with full driving license
39:46So, what is your solution to a generation of women
39:49Being repulsed by the idea of having my children?
39:51I'm so glad you asked
39:51To me, we have two options
39:53We bank the sperm of the gays
39:55The practicing gays, to be exact
39:58And we just use that, yes
40:00Or we milk three to five high-value males
40:04Whose seed would actually be useful to us
40:06So, for example, people like Martin Lewis, money-saving expert
40:11Yes
40:12Aywade, we can't milk Martin Lewis
40:14We need him on the front line
40:16To be fair, you're right
40:17You're right
40:17We can't lose our strongest soldier
40:20Thanks for joining us, fertility expert Aywade Bamboye, everybody
40:25For Weekend Update, I'm Paddy Young
40:27And now I'm Anja Magliana, goodnight
40:28Woooo
40:30Woooo
40:33Woooo
40:34Woooo
40:34Woooo
40:35Woooo
40:35Woooo
40:35Woooo
40:35Woooo
40:36Woooo
40:36Woooo
40:37Woooo
40:37Woooo
40:39Woooo
40:40Woooo
40:40Woooo
40:43Woooo
40:44Woooo
40:46Woooo
41:03Please! I can't do it anymore! Please!
41:06You're coming with me!
41:08Please!
41:14This ain't right.
41:17This ain't right!
41:19Pipe down for crap's sake!
41:20If they hear you, it'll be lessons for all of us.
41:23You. What is it we do here?
41:25I can't. I can't!
41:27I need to hear you say it!
41:28What is it we do here?
41:31You know when you open a hot wrap from Pret or McDonald's.
41:35And part of the wrap sticks to the inside of the packet.
41:38So when you take it out, the whole wrap completely falls apart.
41:42We're the people who glue down that bit of a wrap!
41:51I can't do this anymore.
41:54It ain't right.
41:56It ain't right.
41:59Glue in all day.
42:01Glue in all night.
42:03Glue in wraps!
42:07Will they join my fight?
42:11Oh, God!
42:15Here, Arquiter, the people's princess.
42:18Seen her kind before, haven't we, Margie?
42:21Brave, rebellious, doesn't understand the wrap-gluing thing.
42:27Pipe down, little girl, you ain't got a clue.
42:31Shut that shiny mouth of yours, you ain't too good to go.
42:35We like things how we like them, we're never so scared of change.
42:40Being alive is suffering, we exist to remind you of that.
42:46But would it be so bad if the wraps came out in one piece?
42:51Face facts, Freckles.
42:53It's rotten work, but someone's got to do it.
42:57Do they, though?
42:59Do I smell unglued wraps?
43:02Quick, it's a pullman!
43:08I am a man, and that's as good to run this factory.
43:13My wife is dead.
43:15I hate the poor.
43:16And I'm the mayor.
43:21Well, well, well.
43:23If it ain't my stinky little workforce
43:26with their horrible faces living their miserable lives.
43:30Oh, doing exactly what they're told, I'm sure.
43:37Huh.
43:42Who is responsible for this?
43:46I said, who is responsible for this?
43:50Yay!
43:50Woo!
43:53Oh, tired, sweetheart.
43:57Cream crack it from glue and wraps.
44:00Oh, you've got to always work in my other factory.
44:04When we stick through polos together
44:06so they can deal into one weird cylinder.
44:09Woo!
44:13Tired.
44:15I'm not tired.
44:18I'm the opposite of tired, whatever that is.
44:22In fact...
44:23I'm just getting started!
44:26Stop her!
44:28Please, can't you see why we're here?
44:30We are ruining the lunches of innocent folk.
44:33We mustn't turn our backs on the packs of the people on the street
44:36who need us the most.
44:38We can't.
44:39You with the glue, which is true.
44:40What I'm saying will stop sticking in your brain.
44:42You're not listening.
44:43Same old story being said.
44:45Try your rap instead.
44:47Bad luck, it's stuck.
44:49We can't give up, my friend.
44:54No!
44:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
45:00She's right.
45:01I'll join the fight.
45:03Me too.
45:04And me.
45:04She'll set us free a new life.
45:07No strife.
45:08Also, how is this a job?
45:12Whoa!
45:13Get off me!
45:15Get off me!
45:15I said get off me!
45:16He's gonna fall into the furnace!
45:18No-one's even catching him!
45:19It's the power of the song!
45:21Curse you, you bloody little bitch!
45:24Whoa!
45:25Ah!
45:34Wow!
45:38His reign of terror is over!
45:40Fuck!
45:42People of the factory what glues down wraps!
45:45We're finally free to get new jobs!
45:48In an Amazon warehouse!
45:50Yes!
45:52Yes!
45:53Yes!
45:53Yes!
45:57Yes!
45:59I'm Holly Duggan.
46:01And I'm Natty Duggan.
46:02And we are the Beans Rose.
46:04Growing up, we never had much, but there was always two things we could rely on.
46:08Our lovely Nanny Sue and her legendary Beans on Toads.
46:13Four years ago, our beautiful Nanny Sue took out our life savings so that we could follow
46:17our dreams and open our very own food truck.
46:21And since then, we've sold over 50 million beans to happy customers up and down the country.
46:27We owe everything we have to our dear Nanny Sue and our kick-ass secret recipe.
46:33And before you ask, aye, our Nanny Sue is that Sue Duggan.
46:37Recently dubbed a toxic widow because last week she was convicted of injecting a bus full of children with Hepatitis
46:43C.
46:46And before you ask, no, we don't know why she did it.
46:49And before you ask, yes, we have cut ties with our Nanny Sue completely.
46:54We're opening our first real restaurant tomorrow and the timing could not be worse.
47:01We've got classic beans, we've got Nashville barbecue beans, we've got Thai bean curry beans.
47:06And before you ask, no, the beans will not give you Hepatitis.
47:10And before you ask, yes, some of the children are still in comas.
47:14Also, before you ask, yes, we are both considering chemical castration just to make sure the evil in our bloodline
47:22dies with us.
47:27We also do chicken wings!
47:30At Beans Rose there are three things we are passionate about.
47:33Big flavours, good vibes and a Tony for the sins of our wicked family.
47:37That's why we've partnered with a local charity that helps rehabilitate grandmothers convicted of serious violent crime.
47:44This is Jenny. She cut the brakes on her daughter-in-law's Vauxhall Corsa.
47:48Sandra posted a letter bomb to her next-door neighbour because they left their Christmas lights up too long.
47:54Deborah threw acid at an Uber driver.
47:57Before you ask, yes, it was racially motivated.
48:02Oh, fuck!
48:03Fuck! This is hell!
48:05Oh, I didn't realise we had to do it ourselves!
48:07So come on down to Beans Bros, because those kids are not coming back.
48:12And we don't want to go to hell!
48:19Once again, Wolf Alice!
48:28It really, really made the room sing
48:33The way you said it might make
48:38Like you could not believe I'll be here
48:43Though our friends are all the same
48:48I wanted you to walk on over
48:53But you turned and went the other way
48:57I followed you around the corner
49:02Now I'll always picture you this way
49:06Beating against the wall
49:12You put my world into love mode
49:22You put my world into love mode
49:24You put my name up in love
49:32Because
49:34Doesn't anybody love you more than I do?
49:40Doesn't anybody love you more than I do?
49:42Does anyone love you more than I do?
49:51Is love our greatest performance I thought as you spun me around
50:02Perfect displays of affection Well it takes two so there's always a crowd
50:11I dance till you will watch me That doesn't hurt my pride
50:21I like the thrill of night before meeting My music, courage, I'll fight one
50:29You're leaning against the wall You put the world in slumber
50:45You put my name up in love
50:54You put my name up in love
51:02Isn't anyone out there?
51:09Because
51:14Because
51:16Doesn't anybody love you more than I do?
51:22Isn't anyone out there?
51:33I'm in love
51:38I'm in love
51:43I'm in love
51:48Am I in love?
51:57I'm in love
52:00Am I in love?
52:09Am I in love?
52:14Am I in love?
52:29Oh
52:45Oh, right. Home time, I think.
52:48Oh, sorry. I've been trying to keep my cool all night,
52:52but I'm such a huge fan of yours.
52:54I can't believe ex-international rugby player Jason Robertson,
52:58and OBE is actually dating my wife's best friend.
53:02Oh, yeah, thanks.
53:04You know, I have to say I was quite good at rugby myself.
53:08Oh, yeah?
53:10Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I probably could have gone pro if it wasn't for my...
53:13Oh, no, no, no. Please don't say knee. I hate that.
53:17Do you know how many people come up to me and say,
53:19oh, I could have gone pro if it weren't for my knee?
53:21No, you couldn't go pro because you weren't good enough.
53:25No, I was good enough. It wasn't actually my knee.
53:29I had a different, like, a rare condition.
53:32What condition?
53:37One sec. I'm just going to get another drink.
53:39All right.
53:41Did he finally mention the rugby?
53:42Yeah, big time.
53:43Oh, he loves it so much. Bless him. Did he freak out?
53:46Oh, no, no. He was going on about how he could have gone pro
53:49if he weren't for his condition.
53:50Oh! He's what?
53:53Babe, sorry, can I see you in the kitchen for a second?
53:55Yeah.
53:57What's up?
53:59Uh, I've gone and bloody cut my balls off
54:02and super glued them onto my hips, haven't I?
54:10You've what?
54:16I've cut off my balls and stuck them to my hips.
54:19Well, part of that, don't you understand?
54:22Why?
54:24I panicked. I panicked.
54:26I needed a serious condition,
54:27otherwise he's not going to like me.
54:30He's going to think I'm just one of those, like,
54:33I could have been a pro if it wasn't for my knee guys.
54:35You are that.
54:37Please!
54:38This is my last chance to be friends with a genuine rugby player.
54:41Just let me have this.
54:43Fine.
54:44Fine.
54:49Does anyone want more wine?
54:52Because I need a drink.
54:55You all right, mate?
54:56Yeah.
54:59He's, um,
55:01he's got this rare condition
55:02and he's just flaring up.
55:04Don't be ashamed, Jonathan.
55:06Show them.
55:10Yeah, uh...
55:14Oh, what the fuck?
55:16Whoa, whoa, whoa.
55:20Yeah, I was, um...
55:22I was born with it.
55:23It's called, um...
55:25It's called scrotumus hip-tumums.
55:29Oh, what?
55:30How did that stop you playing?
55:33It's a great question.
55:35Um...
55:37Everything was going great.
55:38You know, I kept it sort of hidden
55:39until I was about 15
55:40and then...
55:41Then my balls dropped.
55:43And, uh...
55:44It became a problem during, uh, line-outs.
55:46You know, so...
55:47So painful, you know,
55:48getting picked up from my waist,
55:50like, crushing my balls.
55:52So...
55:52Yeah.
55:53Oh, and, um...
55:55During scrums, yeah.
55:56The scrums, the lads, you know,
55:57they'd have their ear pressed against,
55:59you know, each of my...
56:00my balls.
56:03Oh, wow.
56:04I'm not going to lie.
56:05It would be hard to go pro
56:07with those.
56:08You know?
56:09You'd be in the showers
56:10looking like a...
56:11like a sparsely decorated
56:12Christmas tree.
56:14Sorry.
56:15Sorry, mate.
56:15Sorry, mate.
56:16That was above the belt.
56:18No, no, I respect
56:19when you struggled, man.
56:20I respect...
56:22Is he good, yeah?
56:23He's fine.
56:24All right.
56:25Well, see you at work, Soph.
56:26Great to see you, Jason.
56:27Let yourselves out.
56:28Bye, Jason, man.
56:29See you.
56:35Oh, my God.
56:38Oh, Soph's just asked
56:40if Jason can have your number.
56:42Yes!
56:42Yes!
56:43Well done!
57:03Well, my biggest thanks to Wolf Alice, to Chris O'Dowd, huge thank you to the cast,
57:08the writers, the writers, everyone working on the show for making such a great week.
57:12Good night!
57:40Hey!
57:47guitar solo
58:10guitar solo
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