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00:12Good evening, happy Easter, and in the strongest possible terms, hello.
00:23Now, I know some of you were disappointed by my speech on Wednesday, while others of
00:29you did not watch it.
00:32For those who missed it, here's a summary.
00:35You didn't miss much.
00:37And honestly, I'm kicking meself.
00:42I let you down, but everyone deserves a second chance.
00:46Peter Mandelson's had four or five, with many more to come, so allow me to try again.
00:58The conflict in the Middle East has entered its second month, but I can assure you we
01:04are working at pace towards a de-escalation, and the pace we are working at is leisurely.
01:13I know that due to this war, Britons are already struggling, not only in England, but also
01:20in the top bit, and the side bits as well.
01:25Life is getting harder.
01:28And furthermore, goodbye.
01:38Wait.
01:39Wait.
01:40Wait.
01:41Wait.
01:42Wait.
01:43Wait.
01:44I'm told there's a second page to my speech.
01:48Oh, that's right.
01:49The inspiring part.
01:53Look, I know I'm not inspiring.
01:58When I applied to join the Samaritans, I brought the vibe down so much that the interviewer
02:03called the Samaritans.
02:06So I've asked some Britons that people actually like to help me put a pep in your step.
02:14First up, England legend, Harry Kane.
02:28Yeah, cheers.
02:29Nice one, Gaffer.
02:31Harry, why don't you give the nation one of your rousing team talks?
02:36Yeah, obviously, the Strait of Hormuz is a really amazing war way.
02:46Always said that.
02:48But yeah, you know, at the end of the day, you know, Iran, they're sold in attack.
02:54You know, sold in defence.
02:57Yeah, good at set pieces too.
02:58So yeah, you've just got to take it one more at a time and yeah, yeah, it's going to be
03:04nice.
03:06Thank you, Harry.
03:14Next up, a Briton with a smile that could light up a room, which could be useful when
03:20the power runs out.
03:22Film and TV star, Olivia Colman.
03:31Oh, hello.
03:32Gosh, this is a bit sexy, isn't it?
03:36Blirting with Iran and playing with oil.
03:39Next thing you know, then there's an energy shortage.
03:41All the power is off and we're snogging in the dark.
03:44Shhh, shhh.
03:45Oh, aren't I naughty?
03:48Thanks, Olivia.
03:50Love the enthusiasm.
03:52Our final speaker combines two of my greatest interests.
03:56Outstanding British television and pork.
04:01It's Peppa Pig.
04:09Cheer us up, Peppa.
04:11Peppa.
04:11Thank you, Daddy Care.
04:14Life is hell.
04:16But it doesn't last long and soon the sadness will end.
04:21Thanks, Peppa.
04:23You're very different from how you seem on the telly.
04:26And you're very similar.
04:30Well, there you have it.
04:32Big thanks to Britain's Big Three.
04:34Harry Cade, MBE.
04:36Olivia Colman, CBE.
04:38And Peppa Pig.
04:39P-I-G-P.
04:42Oh, no.
04:43Here come the power cuts.
04:45Fend for yourselves, everyone.
04:47Olivia Colman's trying to kiss me.
04:49And live from London, it's Saturday night!
04:59It's Saturday night live!
05:05With...
05:09Hamid Anna-Michelle!
05:15Ayawade Bamboye!
05:22Larry Dean!
05:28Celeste Briggs!
05:34George Fouracres!
05:40Anya Magliano!
05:46Annabelle Marlow!
05:51Annabelle Marlow!
05:53Al Nars!
05:57Jack Shet!
06:04And a CD!
06:11Hadi Yarn!
06:13Haggy Yarn!
06:18Musical guest, Kasabian.
06:24And your host, Riz Ahmed.
06:37Ladies and gentlemen, Riz Ahmed.
06:53Yes, yes, yes.
06:57Thank you so much.
06:59Wow.
07:00Hello.
07:01My name is Riz Ahmed, and it is an absolute honor to be hosting SNL UK.
07:12Now, I'm an actor, I'm a writer, I'm a producer, and I'm a rapper.
07:18So, for those of you who don't know who I am, clearly neither do I.
07:24I'm working it out.
07:26Mostly, I'm an actor, you know, and contrary to popular belief, I don't just play intense roles.
07:32Okay, I also do some, like, family feel-good stuff.
07:35Like, for example, do you guys know Sound of Music?
07:39Sound of Music, why do you want to know Sound of Music?
07:41I did a film just like that called Sound of Metal.
07:44It's almost exactly the same.
07:46It's about a musician who's slowly going deaf, and he's a heroin addict who lives in a van.
07:51Just like Sound of Music.
07:53And it's feel-good because you're not him.
07:56But seriously, I've done some comedies as well.
07:59Some of you might have seen a film I did called Four Lions.
08:05That's what I'm saying.
08:07It's a feel-good movie about characters you can really root for.
08:12Christmas movie.
08:13But I actually have just created and released my own comedy.
08:19It's called Bait.
08:20It's just come out.
08:22Thank you, thank you, man.
08:25It's about an out-of-work actor auditioning to be James Bond.
08:30And the character is going through an identity crisis.
08:32And if you're wondering why I made a comedy about someone having an identity crisis, look at me, man.
08:38I'm confused.
08:40It's not my fault.
08:42I grew up in Wembley, but I went to Oxford University, and that's why I sound like this.
08:50Like a mix between Stormzy and Rishi Sunak.
08:55We've actually all got a track together on my next album.
08:58It's called Oi Roo Boy, Shut Up, This Is The Quiet Carriage.
09:02It's a band.
09:04But, you know, I actually feel that even this show is having an identity crisis, in a way.
09:09You know, we're three episodes in, and your hosts have been American, Irish, and me.
09:15Don't worry, next week, you know, we're going to have one of the nation's most prominent Asian comedians, Jack Whitehall.
09:22You know what I mean?
09:24You've seen how much he goes on holiday with his parents, man.
09:26That's so Asian.
09:28That's so Asian.
09:30Don't worry, Jack, your secret is safe with me.
09:32As-salamu alaykum, brother.
09:34But sometimes I feel like the whole nation's having this identity crisis, and that's why we're so divided, right?
09:39We're divided over politics, over the climate, over the Beckhams.
09:44But I think that I know how to solve it.
09:47I think I can solve Britain's identity crisis.
09:49I think there's one thing that unites us all.
09:52In essence, what makes us British is we like it when things are a little bit crap.
10:01Not totally crap, but just a little bit crap, you know?
10:06We like that.
10:07We like it.
10:07We like giving...
10:09Thank you, yes.
10:10We like giving crap compliments, you know?
10:14Someone says, he's a bit of a character.
10:16That means you're a knob, you know?
10:19And we like sports that are a bit crap.
10:22Cricket can go on for five days and still be a draw.
10:27And we like giving gifts that are a bit crap, you know?
10:30Like original sauce, mint and tea tree shower gel.
10:34My balls feel like they're in Siberia.
10:38Thank you for that, auntie, by the way.
10:40We celebrate when things are a bit crap.
10:43We literally cheer when someone drops their pint glass in the pub.
10:48That's the best of Britain.
10:51We like it when things are a little bit crap.
10:56That's right.
10:57So we've got a great show for you today.
11:04Really great show.
11:05Actually, no, we genuinely have a fantastic show.
11:08It's very un-British of us.
11:09We've got Kasabian here.
11:12It's going to be a banger.
11:13Stick around and watch this.
11:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
11:35A lot of people in TV and movies
11:38always have their phones on loud.
11:41I've never met a Gen Z girl
11:43who has her phone on loud.
11:46People's fun, big, in every situation.
11:48And no one ever has their own vibration.
11:51A lot of people in TV and movies
11:53always have their phones on loud.
11:55People's cool, things in a phone-free place.
11:58Sharing a clip of a girl on her face.
12:01Beep, beep, beep, she's looking round for flex.
12:03How come she's the only one who didn't get the text?
12:06A man walks into a corporate space
12:08after committing a hated sex crime.
12:11He's clearly done.
12:12Where's that lane?
12:13He's galing, canceled, and the phones go bang.
12:18Why would all the texts come at once?
12:21All the phones are going off at once.
12:23Calling her a slut and he's a dirty dog.
12:26Every single phone's going crazy for all.
12:29A lot of people in TV and movies
12:31always have their phones on loud.
12:33On loud.
12:34I still understand the scene
12:35without the very loud texting sound.
12:38Every text is expositional.
12:41Hey, Dad, can you pick me up?
12:43Now that Mom's dead?
12:45I'll be asked for all the texts, you know.
12:48Let me just search that up on the Glinkle app.
12:57Why does FaceTime never look right?
13:00What is your house next, studio lights?
13:02And how the hell is that the first text message
13:04that you've ever sent to your wife?
13:09Well, while we're here,
13:11why do cops in TV and movies
13:13only have co-workers at their personal events?
13:16It's your 58th birthday and telling me
13:18none of your family went.
13:21There's only other cops at your house.
13:24Clearly no one wants to come to your house.
13:26It's just colleagues on your wedding day
13:28and you've also got a colleague for a spouse.
13:31One, two, yeehaw!
13:32Why is everything in TV and movies
13:34not how it is in real life?
13:36iPhone's been waterproof since 2016.
13:39Why'd you put it in rice?
13:40And people answer the phone while they're having sex.
13:43The phone and card Bluetooth always connects.
13:45CEOs with email notifications
13:47and the phone contacts include relations.
13:49The calls are always so fast-paced.
13:51iPhones have an Android interface.
13:53The answer's not me now,
13:54I've seen it all before.
13:55Make a confidential call at the Apple Store.
13:58But mostly it's the way
14:00TV and films all sound.
14:05With all the phones on,
14:06all the phones on,
14:07all the phones on,
14:09all the phones on,
14:09so sort it out.
14:14Wait, Mom, slow down.
14:16Jason, my brother, your son,
14:17has been arrested?
14:20Don't panic.
14:21I'll order a goober there.
14:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
14:524,250 pounds to the prize fund but now it's time for the faithfuls to return to the round table
15:01can they uncover who amongst them is a great big crab man
15:13i'd like to start this experience has been amazing but at the end of the day we need to
15:19find the great big crab man but there's someone here i just don't trust and that person is
15:32it's yourself imran
15:36great we're doing this again i know i was wrong about kaya mechel and effe
15:46but i have a feeling i just can't shake
15:50but i'm obviously not a great big crab man
15:53but to be fair that is exactly what a great big crab man would say
16:00okay okay i'm just gonna come out and say why is nobody looking at sebastian
16:10whoa whoa i've only got two 100 percent not a great big crab man and it's myself and sebastian
16:21look at him bro he's a flipping crab
16:23see getting defensive like that it only makes you look more like a great big crab man
16:29okay okay what what about today's challenge
16:3330 seconds you've got this
16:36go go towards it what's wrong with you man just go forward
16:44imran he told us his ankles only work sideways everybody knows he's trying to win the money to
16:50pay for an ankle doctor okay fine so why was he acting so weird at breakfast because he's
16:56tired you can only sleep in a bucket of fresh water for medical reasons can i just say i'm actually
17:03feeling really uncomfortable by the energy in the room tonight to be fair to imran to be fair to imran
17:08all
17:09i've seen sebastian eat is algae seaweed and invertebrates and for me that's suspicious
17:15the time for talk is over now it's time to vote
17:35time's up enormous good luck everyone
17:40i'm sorry
17:44it is what it is
17:47sorry girl
17:50imran i'm so sorry
17:57love you man
18:02imran you have received the most votes would you like to join me please
18:14listen yeah i've had an amazing time it's been an incredible journey and i've made friends for life
18:20but there's something weighing on my heart and i've got to come out and say it
18:26i'm obviously not a great big crab man you idiots
18:34what the hell are you playing at
18:39you've just voted off another not a great big crab man and the real great big crab man
18:46is still out there laughing at you okay okay okay i'm just gonna say it there's someone who is
18:54slipping under the radar and at tomorrow's round table the person i'll be looking at
18:59hey hey hey hey i'll pack my box
19:16okay okay okay i'm really good operation isn't that a game for like six year olds okay why don't you
19:24give it a go there okay i will
19:26Oh, it's simple.
19:28You just...
19:31Oh.
19:33OK, that was a warm-up.
19:37You can leave it, babe.
19:38No, no, no, it's fine.
19:39It's easy.
19:44Babe.
19:45Babe, come to bed.
19:48Yeah.
19:49Yeah, yeah, one minute.
19:54Kids, get in the car.
19:55Mummy will be there in a sec.
19:58Are you coming or not?
20:03Wow.
20:12Take back!
20:16Are you coming?
20:17We're cutting the cake.
20:22Oh, oh, oh.
20:24Oh.
20:25It's just a game.
20:26It's not just a game!
20:28It literally is.
20:29It says it on the box.
20:31It's six plus.
20:36Stop looking at me!
20:46I can't take it anymore.
20:47We're leaving.
20:50We're leaving.
20:52I lifted it clean.
20:59Oh, no.
21:03Oh, no.
21:06Oh, no.
21:07So I'm there, just fully committed, waving at them, grinning like an idiot, and walked straight
21:11past me.
21:13Oh, no.
21:13I just felt like such a plum.
21:15I just felt like such a plum.
21:15Oh, I've missed this.
21:18I've missed you.
21:20It's not a fight.
21:22Help!
21:23Help!
21:23Yeah, is there a doctor in the house?
21:25One of our diners are smart.
21:26I'm not serious.
21:28Oh, thank you.
21:38Come on, honey.
21:40Now wait.
21:41Tell me about this.
21:43Oh.
21:43Honey, are you sure about this?
21:47Everybody stand back.
21:54Give me those.
21:57What are you?
22:01Oh my God!
22:03More blood than usual. I'm coming to the bread basket.
22:05What the?
22:08God help me! What is all this?
22:14Let's go!
22:15Oh no!
22:17Where's the horse?
22:18Oh no!
22:20You have to believe me. There were supposed to be pieces.
22:22The butterfly and the bread basket.
22:23Whatever, sir, you're coming with me.
22:25Olivia!
22:26Olivia, tell me!
22:28Olivia!
22:47This is OGFM coming at you. Old classics for old heads.
22:52It's all 90s music, all the time.
22:54And we mean all the time. When we want to talk, we just turn it up, turn it down very
23:00slightly.
23:02On the decks, we've got MC Twister, DJ Tilaire and me, Lady Magnum, Pink Lemonade.
23:06And yes, all our names are types of ice cream.
23:11Coincidence!
23:15If you remember these tunes from back in the day, then you are old.
23:19Shout out to my middle-aged brothers and sisters.
23:22Nostalgia! Coming at ya!
23:26All right, all right, so tonight we've got some real talk for all you over 50s.
23:31Prostate cancer.
23:32Real serious, but people don't talk about it because it's the butt one.
23:36Use your own platform for good.
23:38All right, we've got a mad guest in the studio here to educate us.
23:42It's Dr. Rishi.
23:44Come on, big ups, Dr. Rishi, looking sharp.
23:47I appreciate that.
23:50So, yeah, I mean, thanks, thanks for having me.
23:54All right, Doc, drop some knowledge on us.
23:56Yeah, sorry, sorry, yeah.
23:58Well, prostate cancer is a condition that actually affects one in eight men.
24:02Shout out to Michelle in SW5, going hard on the weekend.
24:10What are you saying, Dr. Rishi?
24:12Right, yeah, yeah, so the prostate, it's a small gland that sits just behind the...
24:17Shout out to Jane, the divorce is final.
24:21She's back on the pill.
24:22B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-bill.
24:25Take it away, Doc.
24:27Take it away.
24:28Okay, yeah, okay, suppose, um, well, you know, diet is very important.
24:32Hey, oh, don't forget, Monday's a bank holiday.
24:34Four-day week, four-day week.
24:35What?
24:36You don't know.
24:38Diet is something...
24:39Tony Estrettum just put his dog down, pray us up for the poodle.
24:44Diet is something...
24:45East and South and West.
24:47East and South and West.
24:49Statistically, around 55,000 new cases of...
24:52I know!
24:54Okay, I was just trying to say, just before, just there with the...
24:57Diet is a good way to minimise your risk, reducing red meat is sensible.
25:00You should think about swapping it out with an oily fish, perhaps a salmon or a mackerel.
25:04Hey, yo, big up the North Sea!
25:05Come on.
25:06Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
25:07Can we just, um, can we stop?
25:09Please, I'm sorry, can we just stop?
25:11What's up, big man?
25:13Is there any way you could just stop the music just for, like, a minute?
25:16Because this is...
25:16Sorry, Doc, this is OGFM, all 90s music, all the time!
25:19Literally, all the time!
25:21Yes, my sister, if you've got something important to say, you've got to ride the beat.
25:25What do you mean, ride the beat?
25:27Medical freestyle, off the dome!
25:31Seriously?
25:32Yeah, I spent some wisdom, Dr. Rishi!
25:34Yeah, tell the people what they've got to know!
25:36Hippocratic Oath!
25:40Okay, okay, fine, fine.
25:42Yeah, okay, um, prostate, prostate, check it before it's too late.
25:50Early detection is vital for your survival.
25:55All right, turn my headphones up.
26:03Up a bit more, yeah.
26:04Don't hide away, get your PSA.
26:06The blood test is best, so don't delay.
26:08No joking, stop smoking.
26:10I'm thinking, less drinking.
26:11Check your BMI, if the number's high, then we'll make a plan.
26:14Get your number right.
26:15If you're over 50, got a family history and the flow is weak.
26:18Don't see your GP or my G's in the back.
26:20Who are black?
26:21Your risk is higher, that's a fact.
26:22Don't be brave, don't act like a trooper.
26:24If you've got P's, don't wait for the future.
26:26Just call Booper, open an Uber.
26:28Reach an IP, happy birthday to ya.
26:30And if there's blood in your P, call 111.
26:33Doctor Ricci du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du.
26:37Oh!
26:43Yes, yes.
26:45Save the line for the advice, other people.
26:46Doctor Ricci in the house.
26:49Gets non volumes.
26:52Bon Serve!
27:05Ladies and gents, it's Kasabian.
27:38And I am lost for one.
27:41I just keep on falling.
27:45Watch me go.
27:48I'm waiting.
27:51Pretender.
27:54Oh, no.
27:56Baby, blow.
27:59Now it comes to me.
28:02You surrender.
28:04You can dance again.
28:06You can dance again.
28:10You can dance again.
28:13You can dance again.
28:14You can dance again.
28:21Watch me as I go.
28:24I live and make believe.
28:27And I can hear you calling.
28:31Where do you hide if you don't know who you are, but you love it and you're not the same.
28:39So don't fear it now.
28:42Watch me go.
28:44I'm the great pretender.
28:51Yeah, yeah.
28:53Baby, blow.
28:56Now it's time for me to surrender.
29:01You can dance again.
29:07You can dance again.
29:10You can dance again.
29:11Yeah, yeah.
29:13You can dance again.
29:15Dance again.
30:17It's Weekend Update with Anya Magliano and Paddy Young.
30:30Good evening and welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Paddy Young.
30:35And I'm Anya Magliano.
30:39The war between Iran and the US has entered its second month.
30:44Second month?
30:46Ooh, it's starting to get serious!
30:49This week, a US airstrike destroyed Iran's largest bridge.
30:54Responding to criticism for targeting civilian infrastructure, a senior US military official said,
31:00Oh, my God, we're so sorry. We thought it was a school.
31:09President Trump has criticised the UK's Navy for being, quote, too old.
31:15Too old for Donald Trump? What is it? 18?
31:20Responding to Trump's claims that our Navy was old and outdated, one admiral said,
31:25I'm going to go there and give him a piece of my mind, just as soon as the wind picks
31:29up.
31:31It's true. The UK only has one submarine and half the crew are dead.
31:39Now, new data published by the NHS shows that in the last five years,
31:44referrals for body dysmorphia treatment have quadrupled.
31:48Well, they think they've quadrupled. They actually look fine.
31:56It's been revealed that meta-billionaire Mark Zuckerberg is building a bunker under his compound in California.
32:03And I hope he uses that bunker in exactly the same way Hitler did.
32:14In big media news, DJ Scott Mills was fired from his job at the BBC.
32:19This after police searched the Radio 2 presenter's hard drive and found over 100 terabytes of decent music.
32:27In the last two weeks, online phenomenon Fruit Love Island has taken the internet by storm.
32:34It's just like normal Love Island, but the twist?
32:36The contestants are AI-generated fruit.
32:39Yes, this is genuinely a real thing that millions of people are tuning into every day.
32:45Here to comment on this viral sensation is random, former, real Love Island contestant,
32:50Chloe Bibby-Rinkle.
32:51Oh, no, no, no, it's so muggy. AI has nicked my job.
33:00It's taken me, a human, professional lady, years to perfect the art of shaking a cock under a bed sheet.
33:07Now, now people want to see a raspberry do it instead.
33:12Sorry, what is that you're doing with your hands?
33:15Oh, so I'm using the base of my thumbs to quell the flow of my tears.
33:19It's giving Kleenex.
33:23Which series were you in?
33:24Oh, yeah, I was in series 12 and three quarters, the villa in Djibouti.
33:30And what's it actually like to be on the show?
33:33Oh, my God, it's amazing.
33:34So, OK, imagine being trafficked, but in a nice way.
33:39Then imagine there's a pool, but none of us like to swim.
33:42Then imagine the memory of UK garage.
33:45Then imagine getting a text.
33:47It was like that.
33:49And did you find love in the villa?
33:51Oh, yeah, I caught feels for Zebby D.
33:54But get this.
33:54Week after we left, I found out he was in fact a mirage due to my heat stroke.
34:01Sorry, but why do so much grafting when you're a mirage?
34:06I'm sworn off mirages now.
34:08Big dicks, though.
34:11Maybe it's for the best that you've been replaced with AI fruit.
34:14Like, with love and light, you don't seem well.
34:16Yeah, I'm moving spooky.
34:18I'm moving spooky.
34:21Because, like, Anya, of course I would love to be a cherry with a fanny.
34:26Of course I would.
34:28But I have to accept that I'm a human woman with a brain.
34:32Like it or lump it.
34:34If the British public wants to see a peach cracking onto a tomato,
34:37then so be it.
34:38A tomato isn't a fruit, by the way.
34:40It is a fruit.
34:41A white, I'm not worth it.
34:43I'm not worth it.
34:44It's not worth it.
34:45Love Island contestant.
34:48Fruit, everybody!
34:54It's Easter!
34:57That's right, the time of year where we celebrate
35:00the only murdered Palestinian we're allowed to talk about.
35:11And over Easter, the NHS crisis continues.
35:20Keith Starmer, seen here describing his favourite shape of box,
35:26has been unable to convince doctors to call off their upcoming six-day strike.
35:30So, a gentle reminder that with no doctors on call,
35:34what goes up your butt will stay up your butt for the best part of a week.
35:38And it will be the best part.
35:42According to a police report, at the scene of his car crash in Florida last week,
35:47Tiger Woods had two opioid pills in his pocket.
35:50Woods claimed he was only keeping them in his pocket because he'd run out of room in his bloodstream.
35:55The Artemis 2 mission has seen four NASA astronauts set off for the far side of the moon.
36:01And if you're wondering why they're so obsessed with the back of the moon, that's where the bum is.
36:08Inspired by the success of Artemis 2,
36:11Britain's space agency is planning to launch its own rocket to the moon.
36:14And it will, just as soon as the wind picks up.
36:20In lighter news this week, an adorable little door mouse was found dozing in an old helium balloon
36:26caught in a tree in Essex.
36:27Here to tell us about his big adventure is an adorable little door mouse.
36:35Hi, guys. I'm adorable to be here.
36:39Oh, you're so cute.
36:41It is so wonderful to have you here, an adorable little door mouse.
36:45Oh, cool. Look at all these big, scary cameras.
36:48Oh, it's okay. Don't be intimidated.
36:50Okay, camera three, where you at? Camera three, where you at?
36:53Okay, camera three, you got me, girl?
36:56Hey, Vogue. I'm an adorable little door mouse, and this is what's in my bag.
37:03Okay, so up first, you just know it's a little buttercup that I sometimes wear as a hat.
37:10And next up, oh, I don't go anywhere without my Aesop hyaluronic face misdefence barrier.
37:16Shout out to Aesop.
37:19And up next, this one's kind of a little bit crazy and a bit freaky, but it's hot sauce.
37:25Sorry, are you just making content?
37:27I'm an influencer, Anya. My adorable story is blowing up, and it's my time to shine.
37:33I'm only going to live for four years, Anya, and I'll spend three of those years hibernating.
37:37I've got to grab my moment.
37:41And that's why, over the course of this answer, I've already moved on from being an influencer to being a
37:45red carpet reporter.
37:48Anya, Anya, hey, girl, we're here with Vershka jeans.
37:50What are you wearing, girl? Tell me what you're wearing.
37:52Don't tell me it's the Boys with Carrot Collection from Georgia Asda.
37:55You look amazing, Anya, girl. You hungry, girl?
37:59And my subway take, I think that, I think that raspberries are nice.
38:06100%, 100%, 100% agree, 100% agree.
38:08Oh, wow. He's so cute.
38:10You really are moving through the life cycle of fame at an unbelievable rate.
38:14Welcome back to Off-Door Mice and Man, where I'm talking with my guest, Anya Magliano, about me being adorable.
38:24Oh, you've got a podcast now.
38:27Being adorable was always my superpower, you know.
38:31Suddenly, I realised that people wanted me to be adorable all the time, and I could never be off.
38:36Sorry. Sorry.
38:40But now, my listeners can get help to switch off, thanks to our sponsor, Dignitas.
38:47Dignitas?
38:48Is that bad? Sorry.
38:49Please don't cancel me.
38:52We could never cancel you, adorable little door mouse.
38:55Well, wait and see.
38:56I have invested my money in some weird things.
38:59Ah!
39:00Adorable little door mouse, everybody!
39:10Five Met police officers have been taken off duty after a bag of guns was accidentally left on the street
39:17in London.
39:18I feel sorry for the police.
39:20Sometimes you're so busy killing women that you forget where you left your bloody machine gun.
39:24What am I like?
39:28The government is passing new laws to make it easier to cancel online subscriptions and unwanted auto renewals.
39:34Good news for me.
39:36Bad news for Dr Chubb's penis pump emporium, whose platinum club is about to lose a member.
39:44A rainbow boa constrictor has miraculously given birth without fertilisation for the second time.
39:52Does anyone else find it kind of weird that God keeps bonking this steak?
40:00A peacock named Pete, who has recently taken up residence in Surrey, has reportedly learned to knock on doors with
40:07his beak.
40:07Sadly, he's doing so to alert the neighbourhood that he's a registered sex offender.
40:15According to a new report from the Department of Education, children under five should have no more than one hour
40:20of screen time per day to help improve physical health and family relationships.
40:25To discuss the impact this might have on parenting, here's a father and son who still do skin on skin.
40:47Thank you for having us.
40:50No problem.
40:52Now, let's talk about screen time.
40:55Oh, it's a scourge.
40:58It breaks my heart to get up that carvery and see all families glued to their phones.
41:05Nobody looking at the pork.
41:09Why can't everyone just be normal?
41:13Yeah, my boy's never looked at the screen.
41:18And look at you.
41:21He's thriving.
41:23Yeah, you guys clearly have a strong bond.
41:26Is that because you're screen free?
41:28Yeah, I don't need an iPad.
41:30I can just pad this chest until the happy hormones start g-g-g-g-gushing.
41:38Why are you still doing this?
41:39Well, the midwife recommended it for as long as you can.
41:44It was great when I were a baby, but it's better now I'm 32.
41:48And it's nice to know if things are stressful at work, but I can get home and get right on
41:53to Dad.
41:56How does it reduce stress?
41:58In many, many ways.
41:59It regulates the heart rate, slows the breathing, helps with the breastfeeding.
42:07Breastfeeding?
42:08Men have got the glands as well.
42:10It just takes discipline, Paddy.
42:13Nobody has discipline these days.
42:18Are you smelling his head?
42:20Yeah.
42:21That's the best bit.
42:23You know that new...
42:27You know that newborn baby smell?
42:31Well, it's that, but older.
42:36This is unconventional, but I have to say, you guys seem really happy.
42:40There's always room for one more, Paddy.
42:43Last Christmas, we got two uncles and a cousin on here.
42:47Pop that shirt off, Paddy lad, don't be a stranger.
42:52Thank you, father and son, who still do skin on skin.
42:54Let me get in here.
42:56So you can love me.
42:57I'm very young.
42:59I'm very young.
42:59Good night.
43:00Good night.
43:01Good night.
43:38Good evening.
43:39We are gathered here because the Royal Society of Literature issued a challenge
43:44to conceive a work of Gothic horror that taps into mankind's deepest, most universal fears.
43:51Tonight, three authors present their works.
43:54Miss Eliza Faust, Mr. Edmund Blackthorne and Sir Humphrey Cosgrave.
44:07Miss Faust, you have the floor.
44:11Tonight I present the story of an immortal count who feeds upon the blood of the living.
44:16I call it Nosferatu.
44:23Quite horrifying.
44:25Mr. Blackthorne.
44:27In my hands, the tale of a man cursed by the moon with an insatiable bloodlust.
44:34I give you the wolfman.
44:40And finally, Sir Humphrey.
44:43Mr. Blackthorne, esteemed colleagues, I present a tale of unspeakable terror.
44:50I give you the bastard seagull.
45:02OK.
45:04OK.
45:05Questions.
45:07Sorry, I'm confused.
45:10Is this like an evil seagull or...?
45:12It won't bloody leave!
45:14The bastard!
45:17OK.
45:18Not exactly a universal fear, but a valiant effort.
45:21Perhaps now let's hear a passage from Miss Faust.
45:24Good reading, gentlemen.
45:30It was dawn.
45:33At fragile hour, when night still clings to the edges of the world,
45:38the man awoke with a start to find the seagull very close.
45:45But a pubes' length from his face,
45:50he screamed,
45:52hee-oh!
45:54But the bastard didn't give
45:58one single toss.
46:03OK.
46:04Let's move on, Mr. Blackthorne.
46:05Sorry, um,
46:07why is there a seagull in this man's bedroom?
46:09It keeps coming in the window.
46:12But why doesn't he just shut it?
46:14It's stuck.
46:15It's like one of those old sash windows.
46:19And it's totally jammed.
46:23Sorry.
46:24Is the whole book about a man who has a seagull in his bedroom?
46:27No, not all of it.
46:28Some of it's about trying to get in touch with your landlord.
46:31Mr. Humphrey,
46:35may I remind you this is meant to be a work of gothic horror.
46:38This is clearly a household maintenance issue.
46:40Yes, Mr. Blackthorne.
46:43Why can't he just fix the window?
46:45He's tried.
46:47Every time he gets anywhere near it,
46:49they all go mental.
46:53Wait, so there's more than one seagull?
46:55You're the bastard brought his bastard friend.
46:59Honestly, it feels more like their place than his at this point.
47:03For God's sake,
47:05please can we move on to one of the other books?
47:07Yes, you, sir.
47:09Uh, hi.
47:10Has the seagull guy thought about introducing a bird of prey to scare them off?
47:14Yeah, well, he got an owl.
47:17And it's only made it worse
47:20because the seagulls didn't leave.
47:23And now the owl thinks he's its baby.
47:26And it keeps vomiting his old field mice down his throat.
47:31Well, yeah, yeah.
47:32And I tell you about it.
47:33Yeah.
47:34And the whole room stinks.
47:37And now there's a badger.
47:39Stop, sir.
47:41Stop.
47:42Stop.
47:43You are asked to capture mankind's deepest fears,
47:47but this, I think, is something that's happened specifically to you
47:49because you can't close your window.
47:51How dare you, sir?
47:54A bastard seagull is a work of universal terror.
47:59There is nothing scary about a seagull, sir.
48:04I have seen a soldier, a soldier, a bloody soldier.
48:10We all listen.
48:11We all listen.
48:18Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Kasabia!
48:31We arrived at the same place
48:38Hit the tide by the lights upon your face
48:46Body's moving, the floor's shaking
48:53Eyes wide open, now we can both escape
49:02Now we're finally here together
49:05See if you release the pressure
49:08You can do something
49:11Release the pressure
49:16Release the pressure
49:17Release the pressure
49:19Release the pressure
49:23Release the pressure
49:25Release the pressure
49:43We arrived at the same place
49:51Get the tides by the lights upon your face
49:59We were so far from home, lost down a rabbit hole
50:02No one's to save our soul, about to lose control
50:06We were so far from home, lost down a rabbit hole
50:10No one's to save our soul, about to lose control
50:17Get your hands in the air of your three-piece sweets
50:28Now we're finally here together
50:32Seeing me release the pressure
50:36Freedom to the star we will
50:39Release the pressure, release the pressure
50:45Release the pressure
50:48Release the pressure, release the pressure
50:52Release the pressure
50:55Now one's to save our soul
51:09I'm coming in, I'm coming in, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo
51:14Thank you
51:16Sweet
51:48Basically, I keep having nightmares that I'm going to leave my baby on the bus, which is weird, because I
51:53never take the bus.
51:55Sasha, darling, you could leave your baby anywhere.
52:00Hi. Hi. Sorry, we're late. Sorry. Hi.
52:03You must be Nick. Well, welcome.
52:05Oh, thank you. Look, before you meet my partner, I just wanted to give you a heads up.
52:10Big weekend coming up. A lot of big feelings.
52:15Oh! Oh!
52:22Oh! No one look at me. I'm a house.
52:26Oh, my God. That's the Easter bunny.
52:29Oh, well, we'll do pickies later. Nick, give me a hand.
52:31Yeah, just give me a hand. Maybe just trust me.
52:33Don't drop me. Don't drop me.
52:33Maybe just trust me. Give me a weight.
52:34OK. OK.
52:35Oh!
52:36Oh!
52:38Oh!
52:39Oh, Pascal. Can I just say, it's so nice to see another gay couple here.
52:44Yeah, seriously, so nice. We meet a couple like you and it's like, yeah, they are the exact same thing
52:49as us.
52:52I don't know that exact same thing.
52:54So, Nick and Pascal, how are you feeling?
52:58Oh, gosh. I mean, all the normal stuff, I think, right? Nervous, excited.
53:03Yeah, yeah. Really stressed about pushing all 82 million of them out.
53:11Oh, but hey, what are people supposed to do?
53:14Not have Easter eggs.
53:17Oh, my God.
53:17You give birth to Easter eggs?
53:20No, he does.
53:25I assumed...
53:26Gosh, sorry. I suddenly feel a bit sick.
53:29I assumed Easter eggs were all made in factories.
53:32Then I suggest you educate yourself on queer history, my love.
53:37Somehow, I don't think it's a queer thing.
53:40Well, what is it then?
53:42I don't know anything about gay culture, so this is a real education for me.
53:47No, please don't learn anything from this.
53:49Well, I think it's a very generous thing you're doing, carrying all those eggs and giving them away to people.
53:56Oh, thanks, doll. I mean, my body's shot.
53:59My nipples are so long, you could braid them.
54:02Oh, that's a good idea for Bella's wedding.
54:06You must be so proud watching the whole nation eat them.
54:09What?
54:12He thinks people raise the eggs as their children.
54:16Can we please not pull the curtain back on this?
54:18My ears are famously huge, Nick.
54:21You're not even covering up the holes.
54:24Babe, babe, babe, babe, don't freak out.
54:25No, no, no, no, no, is it true what he said, the foreign one?
54:30I'm Scottish.
54:32Babe, the eggs, they're chocolate.
54:38Nick, you're scaring me.
54:42Chocolate is food, Pascal.
54:43Now I can't shield you from this anymore.
54:46They eat the eggs because chocolate is food.
54:49But, but, hey, hey, those eggs make a lot of people very happy.
54:55They, they do?
54:56Yes.
54:57Yes, children.
54:59And adults who are too close to their parents.
55:02And, and, and, and people who win crap raffles in May.
55:06Give so many people so much joy.
55:09I love you so much.
55:11I'm so proud of you and I'm proud of us and I'm proud of you.
55:14I'm proud of us.
55:16Is it rude to ask, like, where the eggs come out of?
55:22How dare you?
55:26This rabbit has been giving birth every year since 1873.
55:32Crack house pit bulls lead better lives.
55:36You know what?
55:36You know what?
55:37I am wrung out like a flannel and you've done nothing but belittle me, him and our community since we've
55:44arrived.
55:45Boys, as an ally, I am mortified.
55:48It's, you know what, just save your apologies.
55:50He's due any minute in the birthing process.
55:52He's literally one of the scariest things you can possibly imagine.
55:56So we're leaving.
55:56Help me up, Nick.
55:57Help me up.
55:57Give me away, baby.
55:58Surrender to me.
55:58Don't drop me.
55:59Surrender to me.
56:00Okay, okay.
56:00Get the bags.
56:01Get the bags.
56:02Get the car ready.
56:03It's outrageous.
56:04I don't know why we even bother.
56:10And they come out the back.
56:12Oh, my God.
56:40Thank you so much for tuning in, for turning up.
56:42And good night.
56:44Come on.
56:45Oh.
56:47Oh.
56:51Oh.
56:53Oh.
56:54Oh.
56:55Oh.
56:56Oh.
56:57Oh.
56:58Oh.
56:59Oh.
57:03Oh.
57:04I did.
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