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00:00Okay, stand by everybody. Tango's 1 and 2 have now entered the arrivals hall.
00:05Right, which has the case been?
00:07Tango 1 has the case at this stage.
00:09Right, hold on Tango 1 then, please.
00:12There's been a changeover. Tango 1 has passed the case to Tango 2.
00:17And Tango 2 doesn't want it. He's given it back.
00:20What, are you sure that is Tango 2?
00:22Well, I thought it was Tango 2.
00:23Whoever he is, he doesn't want the case.
00:24Oh no, it's Tango 2, alright? He just doesn't want the case.
00:26Well, neither of them wants the case now, then.
00:28Well, who has the case?
00:29Well, Tango 1.
00:31Well, they're looking around now.
00:34I think they may just be beginning to get a little bit suspicious now.
00:40I think they may have sensed the camera.
00:43Have they rumbled opposition?
00:44Well, I think they've rumbled opposition.
00:46Pull out, pull out. All units.
00:48Trouser, trouser, trouser. All units.
00:50Trouser, trouser, trouser. Pull out.
01:04Anyway, the hire car was absolutely ready and waiting when we arrived at Heraklion Airport.
01:09We'd done a deal with Hertz through Amex, which meant we were able to upgrade the category without paying the
01:14extra price differential.
01:16This is one of the Hertz girl, Tonya, with the car.
01:20It's a Renault mountaineer, specially designed for the Creighton terrain.
01:24Handles beautifully. We're very pleased with the colour.
01:26Were you, by crikey?
01:29Anyway, I've studied the map of the roads from Heraklion while having lunch on the plane.
01:32Oh, did I tell you about lunch on the plane?
01:34In some detail, as a matter of fact.
01:36Um, oh, look, here's another one of the lunch tray.
01:38Um, I think I've had that one in there.
01:40Must have muddled up the order somehow.
01:42I've been sucked into the deepest pit of hell.
01:45Oh, look.
01:46And here's one of the, uh, the Renault's instrument panel.
01:49Uniquely fascinating.
01:50Uh, that's the left-hand control stalk with, uh, main beam, wipe, wash and hookah in it.
01:57Oh, that's interesting.
01:59And here's one of the right-hand control stalks with indicators and so forth.
02:02Oh, I think this is going to give me an erection.
02:06Anyway, so we skirted round Suda Bay via Thalicos and discovered this marvellous little off-the-beaten track to Verna.
02:13It really was so authentic.
02:15Everyone there spoke.
02:16You really, you should have been there.
02:17Oh, no, I shouldn't.
02:18No, I shouldn't have been there.
02:19This is one of me pointing at my moussaka.
02:22Oh, wait a second.
02:23Isn't that a revolting sight?
02:26And this is one of me on the toilet half an hour later.
02:29I used a self-timer for that one because the whole new Minolta range have got self-timers.
02:33Self-timers?
02:33Oh, well, then I must leave at once.
02:35You've discovered this marvellous little man in Hadia who developed film the traditional Cretan way.
02:41Uh, Nikos his name was, or Kostas.
02:43Could have been Andreas.
02:44Oh, but I must find out which?
02:45Which way is he in?
02:47This is him on the toilet.
02:49Go away!
02:54Right, well, you touch my daughter again and it'll be a slideshow, you understand?
03:04Hello.
03:04Both just got time to tell you.
03:06Just?
03:06Just got time, yes.
03:07Uh, we both, well, we both used to have problems around, around here, didn't we?
03:10Just, um, around the eye area.
03:12Yeah, certainly did.
03:13Just there.
03:14And, uh, this area as well.
03:15That's right.
03:15Yes, it was awful.
03:17Our eyes just kept coming out, didn't they?
03:19Couldn't keep them in.
03:20It was horrible.
03:20Gas!
03:22No, thank you.
03:23It cleared up.
03:23It stopped happening, wasn't it?
03:25Effectively, yes.
03:26Yes.
03:26Yes.
03:26Yes, they don't fall out anymore, and, uh, we're pleased about that, aren't we?
03:29Well, delighted.
03:30Yes.
03:30Hmm.
03:34Officer!
03:35Good morning, sir.
03:36Would you like to take a seat?
03:38Oh, thank you.
03:39Oh, well, you may be more comfortable that way.
03:41No, I'm all right standing up, thanks.
03:42My name's Oliver, by the way.
03:44Excited to know you.
03:45Oh, hello, Peter Franks.
03:47Hi, Peter.
03:48Peter, listen, would you like a coffee?
03:49Filter, espresso, cappuccino.
03:51We offer decaf on all of those.
03:53Well, that's very kind.
03:54Uh, do you have a tea?
03:55Tea?
03:56I don't think so, Peter.
03:58I'll just check that for you.
03:59Uh, hello, Maybelline, my love.
04:01It's Oliver here.
04:02Listen, my darling, do we carry a tea machine?
04:04Sorry, Nero.
04:05Yes, I thought not.
04:06Many thanks, Pet.
04:07Sorry, Peter, no tea on mine.
04:08Oh, no, no matter.
04:09Doesn't worry.
04:10So, how may we help you?
04:13Well, this is a police station, isn't it?
04:15Well, of course it is, Peter, yes.
04:16Yes, because I tried to ring you earlier,
04:18but you must have changed your number.
04:19All I got was music playing in my ear.
04:21Um, the thing is, my car's been stolen.
04:23Your car's been stolen?
04:24Yes.
04:25Oh, Peter, I am sorry.
04:28Oh.
04:29And you'd like us to do something about it?
04:32Well, yes, please.
04:33Ah, okay.
04:34Well, have you had a look at our brochure, Peter?
04:36If you'll pardon the pun.
04:37What pun?
04:38There wasn't no one.
04:39Oh, I'm sorry.
04:40Well, Peter, if you'd like to come with me, we'll get...
04:42Well, you've got to see.
04:44Well, now, Peter, we offer basically three kinds of stolen car recovery service.
04:50That's the super, the lovely, and the gorgeous.
04:53Now, the super's a basic non-priority listing of your car.
04:56The lovely's higher priority, and the gorgeous is A1 top priority.
05:02We put all our team onto it, field and creative,
05:05and that also includes a full waxing and valeting of your car on recovery.
05:09Safe.
05:10Obviously, Peter, the gorgeous is a more expensive service.
05:13I beg your pardon?
05:15Do you have an account with us?
05:17Accounts?
05:17No.
05:18Oh, you're a shareholder, perhaps.
05:19Well, I'm a citizen, if that's what you mean.
05:21Citizen.
05:22Oh, you mean client?
05:23Look, I don't want to sound stupid, but I get back to England.
05:27I find my car's been stolen.
05:28Peter, you've been away.
05:29Did you perhaps miss the privatisation of the police force?
05:33Oh, my God.
05:34This is now a branch office of Brit Law PLC.
05:37Would you like to fill out a form?
05:39Fill out a form?
05:41Fill out a form?
05:42You mean fill in a form.
05:43Has everyone suddenly turned American?
05:45Now, Peter, I shall need your address,
05:47I shall need your place and date of birth,
05:49your car registration number,
05:51and we should be able to have an account verified within 14 days,
05:54subject to status.
05:55This is insanity.
05:56I'm a taxpayer.
05:57Peter, everybody had a chance to buy shares at the time of issue.
06:00It was all supervised by a reputable merchant bank.
06:03Well, by a merchant bank, anyway.
06:06It's madness.
06:06I'm leaving.
06:07No, Peter, not that way.
06:08Not that way, Peter.
06:09What?
06:09That's the High Street.
06:10Yes.
06:11Well, the High Street is owned by UK High Roads PLC.
06:14We're employed by them to make sure that only those with valid roadway passes use the street.
06:19But that's the Queen's Highway, for goodness sake.
06:21Surely I can use that.
06:21Queen's?
06:22Oh, you have shares in the royal family, PLC.
06:24That would be quite sufficient.
06:25Shares?
06:26No, of course I haven't.
06:27Well, then, Peter, I'm afraid I must ask you to come with me to the restraining bar.
06:30Now, if you'd just like to put your hands on the detention knob.
06:33But I haven't done anything.
06:34Not the gold member cuffs for you.
06:36I'm afraid we'll have to use the bronze mask.
06:37No, no, absolutely.
06:39No, Peter, no, I refuse.
06:40Peter.
06:40What?
06:43Well, you haven't changed that much, then.
06:46Welcome to Argue the Toss.
06:47My tosser this week is Simon Kateros.
06:50Simon Kateros, you saw that sketch.
06:52What did you think?
06:53Well, I thought the sketch worked on two levels.
06:55Only two?
06:57Ah, yes, you're right.
06:58I'm being simplistic.
06:59I thought it worked on nine levels.
07:01I thought I spotted twelve.
07:02Yes, yes, well, yes.
07:04Twelve, twelve, if you include the, yes.
07:05But for heaven's sake, let's be condescending about this.
07:07Absolutely.
07:08I thought it worked on the one hand as simple satire on modern Britain,
07:11and on the other hand as a metaphor for the problem of redemption.
07:14What about the underlying theme?
07:15Which one?
07:16Well, the underlying theme of a man desperately trying to recover his stolen car.
07:19Well, that I thought was the least successful of all the underlying themes.
07:22It didn't work for me.
07:23That's where the sketch really just disappeared for me.
07:25Simply vanished?
07:25Completely vanished, yes.
07:26I see.
07:26And the main characters?
07:27Well, I felt I didn't know enough about them.
07:29I was reminded of those occasions when one is asked to sleep with someone,
07:32one doesn't know particularly well.
07:33Consequently, I was nervous, and the whole thing was a disappointment.
07:36Well, brilliant.
07:37Simon Kateros, thank you very much.
07:38Welcome to Up the Arts.
07:40Martin, you saw those critics there.
07:42Were you impressed by what they had to say?
07:44Well, let me say straight away that it seems to me
07:45that what they were trying to achieve was essentially twofold.
07:48I don't think it would be quite fair to judge them
07:49on that small extract we just saw.
07:51Good.
07:51So what was your judgment of the small extract we just saw?
07:53Well, it seems to me that on the one hand
07:55they were trying to assess a comedy sketch, a humorous routine.
07:58Did that work for you for me?
07:59There was something about their criticism that was,
08:01I don't know, what's the word, sterile?
08:02I was going to say fertile.
08:04Hardly different.
08:05No, I have to say it didn't work for me, no.
08:06I think on the one hand they were trying to encompass too much.
08:09They were over-ambitious.
08:10I was going to say over-cautious, yes.
08:12Hardly different.
08:13And on the other hand,
08:14they were trying to present themselves as viable human beings
08:16attempting to make sense of their, of their, um...
08:19Environment?
08:19I was going to say trousers.
08:21Hardly different.
08:22Trousers, environment, environment, trousers.
08:24It's kind of square.
08:24I was going to say circle.
08:25Much the same thing.
08:26And on the other hand...
08:28You've got three hands.
08:29I've got three hands.
08:30They, of course, were doing a two-hander.
08:32Would they have benefited, do you think, from an extra hand?
08:34Would that have come in useful?
08:36I think with an extra hand,
08:37they might have to go away with it, yes.
08:38But did you enjoy their criticism?
08:40Oh, I loved it.
08:40I wanted to go to bed with it and kiss it
08:41in many soft, private little places.
08:43So the future was critics.
08:45Bulbous, would you say?
08:45Yes, perineal, the exact word.
08:47So I agree?
08:48Of course not.
08:50Hello, welcome to...
08:51Oh, no, not another one.
08:54Of all the deodorants,
08:57this is the one that I enjoy using most.
09:00It feels real nice going on
09:03and it smells good
09:04and keeps me dry all day.
09:07I don't have to worry about it
09:09cutting out in clutch moments.
09:11All of the other ones are just...
09:13I don't know,
09:14they just never seem to hold up
09:15under pressure for me.
09:16I can put this on once during the day
09:19and for the rest of the day,
09:21I'm fine.
09:22I'm all set up.
09:24I don't have to worry about, you know,
09:26social nervousness or anything.
09:28It's just...
09:29It keeps me feeling good and fresh
09:32and I love the smell.
09:35I don't think there's any deodorant
09:37that comes close to this one.
09:42I think it was Donald Mainstock,
09:44the great amateur squash player,
09:46who pointed out how lovely I was.
09:48Until that time,
09:48I think it was safe to say
09:49that I've never really been aware
09:50of my own timeless brand of loveliness,
09:52but his words smote me
09:54because, of course, you see,
09:55I am lovely in a fluffy, moist kind of a way
09:57and you don't have it otherwise.
09:58I walk, let's be splendid about this,
10:00in a lightly scented cloud of gorgeousness
10:02that isn't far short
10:03of being quite simply terrific.
10:05The secret of smooth,
10:06almost shiny loveliness
10:07of the order which we're discussing
10:09in this simple, frank, creamy, soft way
10:11doesn't it reside in oils, unguents,
10:13balms, ointments, creams, astringents,
10:15milks, moisturizers, liniments,
10:17lubricants, embrications or balsams,
10:19to be rather divine for just one noble moment.
10:21It resides, and I mean this in a pink,
10:23slightly special way,
10:25in one's attitude of mind.
10:26To be gorgeous and high and true
10:28and fine and fluffy
10:29and moist and sticky and lovely,
10:30all you have to do is to believe
10:31the one is gorgeous and high and true
10:33and fine and fluffy and moist
10:34and sticky and lovely,
10:35and I believe it of myself,
10:36tremulously at first
10:37and then with mounting heat and passion
10:38because, stopping off for a second
10:40to be super again,
10:41I'm so often told it.
10:43That's the secret, really.
10:55Waiter!
10:56Sir?
10:57There's something wrong with my soup.
10:59Oh, I wouldn't say that, sir.
11:00It looks very smart to me.
11:01What?
11:04Nice pinstripe?
11:05No, no.
11:06No, my soup.
11:06There's something wrong with my soup.
11:08Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
11:09I thought you said suit.
11:11It tastes odd somehow.
11:14What does?
11:14My soup.
11:15Does it?
11:16Mmm.
11:16May I, sir?
11:17Please do.
11:22Seems all right to me?
11:23No, no, my soup.
11:24My soup tastes odd.
11:26Oh, your soup?
11:26Yes.
11:27Oh, dear.
11:27Taste it.
11:28I just have, sir.
11:30Not my soup.
11:31I want you to try my soup.
11:33Oh, I'd rather not, if you don't mind, sir.
11:35Why not?
11:36It's probably too long in the arms.
11:37No, no.
11:38What's the matter with you?
11:40I'm talking about my soup.
11:42S-O-U-P.
11:43Oh, your soup?
11:44Yes.
11:45Is there something wrong with it, sir?
11:46Well, I've told you.
11:47It tastes odd.
11:48Well, may I, sir?
11:48Please.
11:49Thank you, sir.
11:54Ah, yes.
11:55Ah, yes what?
11:56It's the cyanide, sir.
11:58I beg your pardon?
11:59A chef does occasionally, in my opinion,
12:01tend to overstress the cyanide in his potage.
12:04Are you telling me that chef has put cyanide in the soup?
12:07No, sir.
12:08Sir, he's put cyanide in the soup.
12:12That's what I said.
12:13Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
12:14I thought you said soup.
12:15This is outrageous.
12:17Would you like me to bring you some soup without cyanide in it, sir?
12:19Yeah, no.
12:20I mean, I mean...
12:21Perhaps something else from the menu?
12:22Well, why?
12:23Why has the chef put cyanide in the soup?
12:26He has a club foot, sir.
12:28What?
12:29The chef has a club foot.
12:31Well, I've got a bent nose,
12:32but I don't go around massacring perfectly innocent diners.
12:36There's no cyanide in the mozzarella salad, sir.
12:38Oh, yippee.
12:39Just a hint of strychnine, but not so as you'd notice.
12:41This is absurd.
12:43You're right, it is.
12:44Completely ridiculous.
12:45Well, would you like to be a comedy writer?
12:51Now, what's happened is that we've deliberately left this sketch without a tagging punchline.
12:57Or ending, as we call it in the trade.
12:59Now, that's where you come in.
13:01The lines are now open for you to phone in your payoff to this hilarious skitlet.
13:07But just as an added difficulty,
13:09we're not actually going to give you the telephone number to ring.
13:11No, that's right.
13:12You have to use your skill and judgment to think up a witty, apt and amusing telephone number of your
13:16own.
13:17And if British Telecom think it's funny enough, they'll put you through to our switchboard here.
13:22Hello?
13:26And we have a clear winner straight away, Mr. J.D. Ward of Basildon.
13:30Well, well done, J.D. Ward.
13:32If you'll be so kind as to let us know your chest size,
13:34we'll send you a bit of Fry and Laurie checkbook and pen straight away.
13:39Well, let's go back to where we were, then.
13:41Right.
13:42Oh, this is absurd.
13:43You're right, it is.
13:44Completely ridiculous.
13:45The brown soup has no cyanide in it whatsoever, sir.
13:48The brown soup, eh?
13:49That's right, sir.
13:50No toxics, radioactive particles or microbes of any description?
13:53A lot of drops, sir.
13:54Well, I'll have some on that, then.
13:55Right you are, then, sir.
13:56Honestly.
14:00Nice one, J.D.
14:06And now, ladies and gentlemen,
14:07Mr. Hugh Laurie has kindly agreed to embarrass us all
14:10with a song of his own composing entitled, quite simply,
14:13Mystery.
14:14Mr. Hugh Laurie, Mystery.
14:25All my life has been a mystery.
14:31You and I were never, ever meant to be.
14:38That's why I call my love for you a mystery.
14:47Different country.
14:50You and I have always lived in a different country.
14:56And I know that airline tickets don't grow on a tree.
15:03So what kept us apart is plain for me to see.
15:08That much, at least, is not really a mystery.
15:17Estuary.
15:21I live in a houseboat on an estuary.
15:26Which is handy for my work with the Thames Water Authority.
15:34But I know you would have found it inside the tree.
15:41Inside the tree.
15:45Taken a violent dislike to me.
15:49I'd be foolish to ignore the possibility
15:54That if we'd ever actually met,
15:56You might have hated me.
15:59Still, that's not the only problem
16:02That I can see.
16:07Dead since 1973.
16:13You've been dead now.
16:15Still, wait a minute, let me see.
16:21Fifteen years, come next January.
16:27As a human being, you are history.
16:33So why do I still long for you?
16:37Why is my love so strong for you?
16:41Why did I write this song for you?
16:45Well, I guess it's just a mystery.
17:06Mr. Marsh?
17:08Mm-hmm?
17:08Um, would you like me to take your bags
17:10Up to your executive suite, Mr. Marsh?
17:13Oh, no, thanks very much.
17:14I'm going to be checking out in the morning.
17:18Gordon Inglis, as I live and close the sale
17:21With you crazy little buckler,
17:23What the hell are you doing here?
17:24Oh, Stuart Marsh,
17:26You turbocharged son of a mass retailer.
17:29How?
17:29Well, I'm hanging pretty tough, Gordon.
17:31Hanging pretty tough.
17:32What about yourself?
17:33Things not going so well, eh?
17:34Oh, no, I'm strictly moving to the rhythm stew.
17:36Why do you ask?
17:38Why do I ask?
17:38Well, Gordon, really.
17:40I mean, being a porter in a hotel,
17:41It's hardly the big time.
17:43Houston, Stuart, that was a joke.
17:45Oh, ho, ho, ho, that was it all.
17:47Oh, lovely, lovely.
17:48That's not a lot, very much.
17:49Yeah, very good.
17:50So tell me, you old roister-doyster,
17:53What the hell are you doing in Telford?
17:55Last I heard, you were based out of Peterborough.
17:57Yeah, I did a spell in Peterborough, Gordon.
17:59It's part of a big new management shake-up.
18:01But right now, I'm fixing up to meet with old Derek Clark.
18:04Derek the Fiddler Clark?
18:06Uh-huh.
18:06If I was a rich man.
18:08Not a man of legends, Steve.
18:10So tell me, you're going to be working under Derek Clark now.
18:14Is that a...
18:14Well, not so much under, Gordon.
18:17More kind of alongside.
18:18I'm going to be a sort of flexible, highly resourced,
18:21Independently targeted, free-range troubleshooter.
18:25Free-range?
18:26Yeah, sounds challenging.
18:27Anyway, he and I are supposed to be having a working breakfast together.
18:29I'd ask you to join us, Gordon, but, you know, it's...
18:32Oh, no, Sweatsville, Idaho, Steve.
18:34So tell me, do they do a good working breakfast here?
18:36I don't believe I've ever actually working breakfasted at this hotel before.
18:39They only do the best working breakfast in the state of Telford, Gordon.
18:42Uh, wait a minute.
18:43Gordon, you'll take some coffee, surely?
18:45Well, I don't know.
18:46How does the coffee perform?
18:47Oh, the coffee performs okay, Gordon.
18:49Don't you worry about that.
18:50Uh, waiter, pot of coffee for two.
18:51And make sure it's hot, strong, and in a pot.
18:55Okay?
18:56If you see Mr. Clark, tell him I'm in the executive breakfast lounge, will you?
18:59Yes, sir.
19:00How will I know Mr. Clark, sir?
19:03I beg your pardon?
19:04How will I recognise Mr. Clark?
19:06You're trying to be funny.
19:08Derek Clark, he's, you know, his lapel badge.
19:10He's with Unitech.
19:12Lapel badge!
19:13Yes, sir.
19:14And he's to meet you in the breakfast lounge.
19:16In the executive breakfast lounge?
19:19There's only one breakfast lounge, sir.
19:20Yes, and it's the executive breakfast lounge.
19:23Right, I'll tell him, sir.
19:26Hey, Sonny.
19:27Come in.
19:30If you've got any thoughts about making it in the hotel business, then you'd better just
19:34watch your lip, okay?
19:35That's all.
19:36That's all.
19:36Thank you, waiter.
19:37That's all.
19:38Thank you very much, waiter.
19:38That is all.
19:41It's just greens, dude.
19:43Now, Gordon, you and I were greens.
19:45We didn't go around giving lip to busy senior executives.
19:49No, we used to give them a bit of tongue from tongue to tongue.
19:51Yeah.
19:53So, looks like Derek Clark stood you up.
19:54No, it's all right.
19:55He rang down and said he was having a bit of trouble with the trouser press in his room.
19:59It's an executive trouser press, you see.
20:01Derek tried to put an ordinary leisure trouser on it.
20:03Not surprisingly, the machine wouldn't play.
20:05Well, it's all right.
20:06So, what about yourself, Gordon?
20:07What's keeping you off the streets these days?
20:10Well, actually, I've gone into business for myself, Stuart.
20:13Yeah?
20:14I hope you're taking good advice.
20:16The very best.
20:16I've got hold of a new kind of bank account.
20:19It's called...
20:21Smoke.
20:23Well, I wish you the very best of luck, Gordon.
20:25I really do, because you and I, hey, we go all the way back.
20:27Oh, right the way back to the end zones, Stu.
20:30Ah, you know what they used to call us back in Reading?
20:32What was that?
20:32The wild dogs of retailing.
20:34Wild dogs of retailing.
20:35Yeah.
20:36You and I, we broke a few moulds in our time, eh, Gordon?
20:38Yeah, and a few eggs.
20:40Yeah.
20:42Eggs?
20:44Make an omelette.
20:46Yes, I can.
20:46No, you can't.
20:48Yes, I can.
20:49Not without breaking eggs.
20:51Well, so what if I can't, Gordon?
20:53You know, I mean, I'm a busy man.
20:55My talents lie in other directions.
20:57No, no, I mean, you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.
21:00What is this?
21:01Cookery corner?
21:02I don't need this, Gordon.
21:04All right?
21:04I'm about to have a working breakfast with the toughest divisional sales manager since Moses.
21:09And all of a sudden, you're giving me a list of all the things I can't do.
21:12Well, thanks for the support, partner.
21:13No, Stu, I only missed.
21:14I mean, what am I supposed to say?
21:15You know, Derek, I'm not right for this job.
21:17Choose someone else.
21:18I can't make an omelette.
21:19No, no, you can, Stu.
21:20I mean, it's delegation, Gordon.
21:21You know, I don't have the time.
21:23I want an omelette.
21:23I go to an omelette maker.
21:24Does that make me a failure?
21:26All right, I'm a failure.
21:27I can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.
21:28Well, no one can, Stu.
21:29That's the point.
21:30It's impossible.
21:31What do you mean, it's impossible?
21:32It can't be done.
21:34What do you think I've been eating all these years?
21:35I had an omelette last night.
21:37Ah, yeah, but they broke the eggs.
21:40I hardly think they'd use broken eggs in executive room service.
21:50Do you know what I'd like to know?
21:52Have you told me before?
21:54Nope.
21:55Then how could I possibly?
21:56I'd like to know why, oh, why, oh, why the word gay has been so ruthlessly hijacked from
22:04our beloved English language.
22:06I agree with your question 100%.
22:08Gay used to be such a lovely word.
22:10A lovely word.
22:11Yes.
22:12You can't use it anymore.
22:13It's been taken away from us.
22:14That's right.
22:15No longer can ordinary people such as we use an ordinary word like gay in an ordinary
22:20example of the great British sentence.
22:22Without people thinking that you mean poofy, it's a disgrace.
22:26Don't.
22:27And there's another one, you see.
22:29Poofy.
22:29You can't say that anymore.
22:30Of course you can't.
22:31Used to.
22:32All the time.
22:33Yes.
22:33But now.
22:33Now.
22:34People think you mean arse bandit.
22:36Well.
22:38Arse bandit.
22:39There you go again, you see.
22:40Well, of course you do.
22:41You know, arse bandit.
22:42Perfectly decent couple of words.
22:44That's right.
22:45Used to use them every day.
22:46So did I.
22:47Would you care to have a go on the arse bandit?
22:51Quite innocently.
22:52Yes, yes.
22:52Or back in a moment, darling.
22:54I'm just taking the arse bandit to the menders.
22:58Now, of course.
23:00Nowadays.
23:00People think you mean homosexual.
23:02Right.
23:03And there's another one.
23:05When was the last time you could use the word homosexual in its proper context?
23:09Right.
23:09And it's such a lovely word.
23:11Oh, it's one of the great words.
23:12My word, Jane.
23:14I used to say to my wife.
23:15The garden's looking very homosexual as well.
23:18Lovely words.
23:20Great words.
23:20Yes.
23:21Landlord, I'll have two foaming pints of your most homosexual beer.
23:26Oh, and a packet of arse bandit as well.
23:30And keep the change.
23:31Right, yes.
23:32But now.
23:33Nowadays.
23:34Well, people just laugh at you, wouldn't they?
23:35That's right, that's right.
23:36Oh, well.
23:37I'm off to the dry cleaners to pick up a couple of screaming benders.
23:40Are you coming?
23:41Do you want to?
23:42Then we can get them home and go to bed with them.
23:43That's right.
23:50Lonnie, you're ugly.
24:00We're not, um, we're not doing that one.
24:03No.
24:04If you remember, I didn't like it.
24:08I thought that was quite funny, that one.
24:10Yes.
24:11Yes, we'll be doing this one instead.
24:12Right, all right.
24:13Right.
24:19I can see you've fallen in love already, sir.
24:21Oh, hello.
24:21Yes, I was just looking at the, um...
24:23The Aston Martin.
24:24Yeah.
24:24Which is beautiful.
24:25To be honest with you, that's, uh, that's the best car in the place, that one.
24:28That is the best one in the place.
24:30Are they coming in Tuesday, as a matter of fact?
24:33Obviously, it's not for me.
24:34It's for my nephew.
24:35It's his birthday tomorrow.
24:36He'll be nine.
24:37Yeah.
24:37Oh, that's nice.
24:38And he told me he set his heart on an Aston Martin, so...
24:41Yeah, well, you know, who wouldn't?
24:42Uh, to be honest with you, if I had the money, that is...
24:44Out of all of them, that is the one I would, you know, for my own personal use, I would
24:48choose that one.
24:49You can have a go on it, if you want.
24:50Really?
24:50Yeah, sure.
24:58Goes a bit, doesn't it?
24:59Yeah.
25:04Sounds a bit rough to me.
25:07Yeah, that's because you're not getting your tongue far enough back in your throat.
25:11Vroom, vroom.
25:14Oh, yes.
25:15Good.
25:15So, how much is it?
25:17Uh, the Aston Martin DB6 Plantagenet Silver...
25:21Uh, that's four pound.
25:23Four pounds?
25:24Yeah.
25:24Uh, and it's one owner, immaculate history.
25:27Uh...
25:28It's not new, then?
25:29Oh, no.
25:30No, no, no, no.
25:31No, you won't get a new Aston for four pound.
25:33That is cheap.
25:33That is a good price.
25:34For an Aston, four pound is cheap, I'm telling you.
25:37And obviously, we make sure that the vehicle is completely immaculate before it goes out
25:41of here.
25:41Uh, we do a complete five-point check on the vehicle.
25:44Uh, we, we clean and polish it.
25:48And then we do the other four things that are included in the five-point check.
25:51Um, basically, we do everything that is humanely possible to the car.
25:57Well, look, if you're not sure, you know, why not bring your nephew in?
26:00You know, if he knows about Aston's, maybe you'd like to have a look underneath it, you
26:03know?
26:03Well, you can have a look underneath it now, if you want.
26:06Clean.
26:07Yeah?
26:07It is clean, it is clean, yes.
26:09Um, do you exchange?
26:11Well, what's he got at the moment?
26:12A tractor.
26:15Well, I'll be lucky to shift a tractor by New Year.
26:17Uh, maybe 40p?
26:19He's very fond of his tractor.
26:21All right, then.
26:22It's his birthday.
26:24You're an ugly bastard.
26:2550p.
26:29You know, I'd just, um, just like to tell you about this cigarette case.
26:32Um, it used to belong to my grandfather on my parents' side.
26:36Um, uh, he was given it as, uh, by his godniece as a kind of, uh, loss of virginity presentry.
26:46Uh, he took it with him to Flanders in 1912, when he went there on holiday.
26:51Then, he took it again in 1915, when he went to fight in the war.
26:56Now, what grandfather used to do is he would keep cigarettes in it, like this.
27:00And if he wanted one, he would simply take it out, smoke it, and close the case again.
27:06Now, he used to keep his cigarette case here, in the breast pocket of his field tunic, or
27:12battle blouse.
27:14Now, one day, grandfather had to go over the top, out of the trenches, into action, and
27:19he was shot by a German sniper, clean through the temple.
27:26Now, if grandfather had worn his cigarette case here, um, it would have an unpleasant dent
27:36in it, and I'd be alive today.
27:43Oh, that, that's brilliant, that is.
27:45That's fantastic.
27:46What?
27:48So, wars are funny now, are they?
27:49First of all, it was just a joke to you, I suppose, was it?
27:52Well, yes.
27:52Not very well told.
27:54Oh!
27:54Oh, right, so the Great War and World War II were just vast entertainments laid on for
27:59your benefit, were they?
28:00Well, if you put it that way, then obviously yes.
28:04Do you know, do you know, I wonder, what it's like to die?
28:07Um, no, I don't, I think.
28:09No, right, but do you think it's funny that millions of people died for you?
28:13I don't think millions of people did die for me, they didn't know me, I wasn't born.
28:17They happened to be dying for generations yet unborn, which I think includes you, doesn't
28:21it?
28:21Yes, but they didn't know that, did they?
28:22I mean, they didn't go into battle shouting, let's die for Stephen Fry, who may or may not
28:26be born one day.
28:28Oh, forget it, forget it.
28:30Sick you are.
28:31Sick!
28:32Well, I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, I mean, the fact is I am sick, but I don't think even
28:39Hugh knows quite how sick I am.
28:41The fact is, and this is something only Hugh's closest friends are aware of, that he has been
28:45suffering now for some time from a gradual but persistent deterioration in his eyesight.
28:52Normally, it's absolutely fine, no one would ever know.
28:55He learns the position of all the furniture, all the props on stage, and no one could ever
29:00guess.
29:00But today, so sick am I, I just went out this morning and moved everything here.
29:08I'm sorry, it was sick of me, as you can see, he's completely disoriented, I don't
29:13know, I don't know why I did it, I'm sorry, it was sick of me.
29:16All right, come on, come on, let's get on with it.
29:18Sorry, on with the stage.
29:24So much as I see.
29:26Now, Whitlow, I don't know how to tell you this, so I'm going to have to come straight
29:29out with it.
29:30I'm afraid I can't let you go on the escape.
29:33I'm sorry, sir.
29:34I can't let you go on the escape, Whitlow.
29:36Well, why not, sir?
29:37Because, Whitlow, because you're blind, that's why not.
29:39No, I'm not, sir.
29:40You're blind, Whitlow, and I can't jeopardise the lives of 14 other prisoners just because
29:44one of the members of the escape party happens to be blind.
29:48Pardon, sir?
29:49I said I can't...
29:52What's the matter, are you deaf?
29:53Yes, sir.
29:56You're deaf and blind?
29:58No, just deaf, sir.
29:59Oh, you're blind as well, Whitlow, you keep bumping into things.
30:02Oh, that!
30:03Oh, well, that's just a joke, sir.
30:06It's not very funny, is it?
30:08Well, the chap's like it, sir.
30:10You'll pardon the pun?
30:11What pun?
30:12There's no pun.
30:13Oh, I'm sorry.
30:17All right, you claim you can see.
30:18I have here, Whitlow, an electric carving knife.
30:21I'm going to plug it in, switch it on, and throw it at you.
30:26If you don't drop it, I'll let you go on the escape.
30:28I'm sorry, I didn't catch that, sir.
30:31You haven't thrown it yet.
30:33Actually, I was telling a bit of a lie just now.
30:35Ah, you mean you're not deaf.
30:37No, I mean, I am blind.
30:38You're blind and deaf.
30:39Pardon?
30:40Well, I can't very well let you go on the escape.
30:42If you're deaf and blind, how can I, Whitlow?
30:44It was a forlorn hope, sir, yes.
30:47Just a moment.
30:48If you're deaf, how can you hear what I'm saying?
30:50I can lip-read, sir.
30:51Ah, yes.
30:53Lip-read?
30:54But you're blind.
30:56Pardon?
30:58How can you read my lips if you're blind?
31:00Oh, well, it's because I'm deaf, sir, that my sense of vision is naturally enhanced.
31:06Blind people are known to have very keen hearing, so they sort of cancel each other out.
31:10You mean you can see and hear perfectly?
31:12Yes, because I'm blind and deaf.
31:14One miraculously compensates for the other.
31:17You poor beggar.
31:18But I still can't let you go on the escape.
31:20It's because I'm dumb, isn't it, sir?
31:23It's a talker's world.
31:25What are you talking about?
31:26You can't talk here.
31:27Nobody.
31:27Nothing.
31:28Zero.
31:28Whitlow, shut up.
31:29They think it means I'm stupid, but I've got ideas.
31:31I can think.
31:31Be quiet, Whitlow.
31:32You're not coming on this escape.
31:34If it's because I can't smell, sir.
31:36Whitlow, you're not coming on this escape, and that is fine.
31:38But, sir, I lost my sense of smell while forging the minutest details of a thousand Nazi documents.
31:43I know that, Whitlow, but you can't come because you're a bastard, and we hate you.
31:46We don't want you.
31:47Oh, sorry.
31:55Oh, hi, Bradley.
32:01I just looked in to see if I couldn't have a borough of your garden sprinkly.
32:04Oh, sure, mate.
32:05Help yourself.
32:06It's over there in the coolie.
32:07Thanks, mate.
32:09By the way, how are Javelina and Trevlin these days?
32:14James, mate, don't reopen old wounds.
32:16Was I doing that, Craig?
32:17Was I reopening old wounds, old saws?
32:19Certainly were.
32:20Listen, Shane, a word to the wise.
32:23If you want to reestablish your relationship with those two, you've got to stop running away from yourself.
32:29James, mate, don't you think I know that?
32:31Don't you think I've tried not running away from myself?
32:34It seems like every time I look out the window, there I go, here and down the street.
32:39Away from yourself.
32:40Away from myself.
32:41How does Donna feel about this?
32:44Oh, and I'm going to ask you man to man, leave Donna out of this.
32:48I'm sorry.
32:49Keep your sweat on.
32:50It's okay, mate.
32:51It's just that ever since Morwenna's graphic design studio went down the tubes, I've just seemed to have withdrawn right
32:57into myself.
32:58Oh, heck, Finlay, you can't blame yourself for that.
33:02Sean overcapitalised.
33:03You warned him time and time enough.
33:06Yeah, but performance is the bottom line, Clark, and I hold myself accountable in no small measure.
33:12Well, how do you think I feel, Declan, for crike's sake?
33:16I personally underrate the equity on Yvonne's marital boutique.
33:19It's my ass on the bottom line too, you know.
33:22You leave Yvonne out of this, all right?
33:25Thanks, mate, I'm sorry.
33:26God, it's pretty stuffy in here.
33:27Why don't we get some fresh air?
33:29Sure, mate, help yourself, there's some air freshener in the dunny over there.
33:32Oh, by the way, I know what it was I wanted to say to you.
33:34We're having a barbie tomorrow night, do you want to come along?
33:37You leave barbie out of this!
33:40No, a barbecue, it's to celebrate the opening of Morquinda's new executive fitness centre and garage.
33:47Sounds great.
33:48Okay, then.
33:50Oh, Jims!
33:50What?
33:51I've just seen Joycey coming up the party.
33:54Huh, Jims!
33:54Um, listen, there's something I've been discussing with Castella and Lillette.
34:00I'd rather that, you know, Joycey and Lenore didn't find out.
34:04Spit it out, mate, she's almost here.
34:06Look, I don't know how to tell you this, mate.
34:09It's hard for me to say.
34:10The fact is, I've been having, well, affair, it's the only word.
34:13I've been having an affair with you for some time now.
34:18What?
34:19It's true.
34:21You bastard!
34:22Look, mate, you had to find out sooner or later, and I'd rather it came from me, that's all.
34:28You mean we've been sleeping together all this time behind my back?
34:35I've said I'm sorry, I don't know what else I can say.
34:38The fact is that I was vulnerable and you were there.
34:42You'd leave me out of this, mate.
34:45I've said I'm sorry, I just don't know what else I can say, mate.
34:47Why am I always the last one to know?
34:49It won't happen again, Vin, I promise.
34:51I just wish that if you were good asleep with me, you could at least have done it to my
34:55face.
34:56Right, I'll bear that in mind for next time.
34:59The truth is, mate, I was confused and slightly bewildered.
35:04I'd just discovered that Durnick isn't my real father.
35:08Is it?
35:09Well, and who is?
35:11I am.
35:13Then that must mean that you must be...
35:16Exactly.
35:17Devlin's half-sister's wife's doctor's cousin's niece.
35:21Well, then who the hell am I?
35:23I don't know, mate, but it's your round.
35:38All right.