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00:01Errrr...
00:02Oh! Oh, no, that's at fault!
00:05Oh, it's Welsh, is it?
00:33It's, erm...
00:34Splendid, is it?
00:38Oh, look at that...
00:40Roy Hattersley?
00:48Chanel, yeah?
00:50Err, we'd like to announce that we'll be holding a competition
00:53during tonight's show.
00:54What's basically gonna happen is this.
00:57We'll be performing a series of sketches
00:59and obviously we'll be wearing different costumes for each one.
01:02Err, except that tonight,
01:03we're actually gonna be wearing the wrong trousers
01:06for every sketch.
01:08That's right.
01:09Err, what's happened is we've mixed up the trousers at random.
01:12And what you have to do is to use your skill and judgement
01:16to find out which trousers go with which sketch.
01:19That's right.
01:19Err, so, for example, if you think the trousers that I wear in sketch A
01:23should have been worn by Stephen in sketch G,
01:26er, for example, then just write it down.
01:28Err, when you've got them all, send us a card
01:30also saying in not more than ten words
01:31why you think trousers are important.
01:35And the first correct entry opened will receive this.
01:40Rather magnificent pair of trousers.
01:42They're pretty stunning, I think you'd agree.
01:44As well as a guided tour around the trouser department here
01:48at a bit of Fry and Laurie.
01:49It's all led by the ever-popular Cliff Mitchell Mall.
01:52So, good luck.
01:54And good trouser spotting.
01:58Come.
02:01Ah, Terry, come in, come in.
02:04Um, now, do you know why I sent for you?
02:09Err, not really, sir, no.
02:10Not really, not really, no.
02:12Well, um, first of all, let me congratulate you
02:15on winning the school poetry prize.
02:17Oh, thank you, sir.
02:18Yes, Mr. Drip tells me that it's one of the most mature
02:21and exciting poems he's ever received from a pupil.
02:24Don't suck your thumb, boy.
02:28Well, I'm not, sir.
02:29No, it was just a piece of general advice for the future.
02:34Now, Terry.
02:36Terry.
02:36Terry.
02:37Terry.
02:37Terence.
02:38Terence.
02:40It's about this poem, really.
02:42I've read it, Terry.
02:43I can't pretend to be much of a judge of poetry.
02:45I'm an English teacher, not a homosexual.
02:50I have to say that it worried me.
02:53Oh?
02:53Yes, worried me.
02:54I have it in front of me.
02:55Now, um, inked ravens of despair claw holes in the arse of the world's mind.
03:04I mean, what kind of a title for a poem is that?
03:07It's my title, sir.
03:09Arse of the world's mind?
03:10I mean, what does that mean?
03:11Are you unhappy about something?
03:13I think that's what the poem explores.
03:15Explores?
03:15Oh, it explores, does it?
03:17I see.
03:18Um, well, let's have a look at what it explores, shall we?
03:21Scrotal threats on horse a question of flowers.
03:26I mean, what's the matter with you?
03:27Were you sickening for something?
03:28Or is it a girl?
03:29Is that the root of the problem?
03:30Well, it's...
03:31It's not something I can explain, sir.
03:33It's all in the poem.
03:34It most certainly is all in the poem.
03:36Um, I...
03:37Ah, yeah.
03:37Now, I asked for answers and got a head full of heroin in return.
03:42Now, Terry, look at me.
03:43Who's been giving you heroin?
03:51Sir, no one has given me heroin.
03:56Oh, I see.
03:57So, this poem is a fiction.
03:58Is it a fantasy?
03:59A lie?
03:59What's happening?
04:00No, it's all true.
04:00It's autobiographical.
04:01Well, then, Terry, I must insist you tell me who's been giving you heroin.
04:04Is it another boy?
04:05Well, sir, you have.
04:08I have?
04:09What are you talking about, you diseased boy?
04:12This is a rank standing impertinence.
04:12This is a rank standing impertinence, sir.
04:14I've never given anyone heroin in my life.
04:15No, it's a metaphor.
04:16Metaphor?
04:17How metaphor?
04:17It means I came to school to learn, but all I got was junk instead of answers.
04:25Junk?
04:25What are you doing?
04:26The GCSE syllabus is most rigidly adhered...
04:28Well, you know, it's just an opinion.
04:30Oh, is it?
04:30And is this just an opinion, too?
04:32Um, when time fell wanking to the floor...
04:37Time fell...
04:37I mean, is this just put into shock?
04:39Or, I mean, is this something personal you want to discuss with me?
04:42Time fell wanking to the floor...
04:44I mean, what does it mean?
04:45It's a quotation.
04:46Quotation?
04:47Quotation?
04:47Who from?
04:48It's not Milton, and I'm pretty sure it can't be words.
04:50Bowie.
04:51Bowie?
04:51Bowie?
04:52David Bowie.
04:53Oh!
04:54And is this David Bowie, too?
04:56Hmm?
04:56Um, my body disgusts damp grease wafts sweat balls from sweat balls and thigh fungus.
05:04I mean, do you what?
05:07Of course I what.
05:08Well, then why does your body disgust you?
05:10It looks perfectly all right to me.
05:11Why can't you write about meadows or something?
05:14Never seen a meadow.
05:16Well, what do you think the imagination is for?
05:18A girl strips in my mind, squeezes my last pumping drop of hope and rolls me over to sleep alone.
05:26You're fifteen years old, Terry!
05:28What's going on inside you?
05:30Well, I think that's what the poem...
05:32What the poem explores.
05:32Don't tell me, don't tell me.
05:34I cannot understand anymore.
05:35I cannot understand.
05:36Well, sir, you were young once.
05:38Hmm?
05:38Well, yes, in a sense, I suppose.
05:40Well, didn't you ever feel like that?
05:42You mean, did I want to fireball the dead cities of the mind and watch the skin peel and warp?
05:48Then thankfully, no, I did not.
05:50I may have been unhappy from time to time if I lost my stamp album or broke a penknife.
05:54But I certainly didn't write it all down and show it to people.
05:58Perhaps it might have been better if you had.
05:59Oh, might it, young Terry?
06:01Oh, might it?
06:01I suppose I am one of the unhappy bubbles of anal wind popping and winking in the mortal
06:08bath.
06:09Am I?
06:11Oh, your silence tells me everything.
06:12I am.
06:13I am an unhappy bubble of anal wind.
06:15Well, that's just how I see it.
06:17That's valid.
06:17Valid, valid.
06:18You're not talking about a banknote.
06:20You are calling your headmaster an unhappy bubble of anal wind.
06:23I'm one, too.
06:24Oh, as long as we're all unhappy bubbles of anal wind popping and winking in the mortal
06:28bath, then I suppose there's no problem.
06:29But I don't propose to advertise the fact to parents.
06:31If this is poetry, then every lavatory wall in England there is an anthology.
06:35I mean, what's happened to the Oxford book of English verse?
06:36Where's that disappeared, doing all this, hmm?
06:39Perhaps that's the lavatory paper.
06:42Is that clever?
06:44I don't know.
06:45I suppose it's another quotation from Derek Bowie, is it?
06:49I can't understand anymore.
06:50I cannot understand.
06:52It's not surprising, sir.
06:53Perhaps you're frustrated.
06:54After all, it's a lonely job.
06:55I am frustrated.
06:56It is.
06:57It is a lonely job.
06:58I'm assailed by doubt and racked by fear.
07:00And then write it down.
07:01Hmm?
07:02Write it down.
07:02Get it out of your system.
07:04Assailed by doubts.
07:05Racked by fear.
07:06You think?
07:07Yes.
07:08Assailed by doubts.
07:09Racked by fear.
07:10Tossed in a wrecked mucus foam of, um, of, uh...
07:16Hatred?
07:17Good, good.
07:17What about steamed loathing?
07:19Oh, better.
07:20You're a natural.
07:21A wrecked mucus foam of steamed loathing.
07:24Snot trails of nothing.
07:27Perforate the bowels of my intent.
07:30Put on your red shoes, Major Tom.
07:34A punch.
07:35A punch.
07:35A punch.
07:36A punch.
07:36Well, what I always, uh, say to myself in that situation is, um, what would Lester Piggott
07:42have done in the same, in the same position?
07:44Uh, oh, God!
07:58Oh, what is that?
08:00That is awful!
08:01Sir?
08:02What is that smell?
08:03Oh, that is...
08:06What is it?
08:07What smell, sir?
08:09That smell, can't you smell it?
08:10I can smell it!
08:11Oh!
08:13terrible um do you mean the onions no i don't mean the onions i know what onions smell like
08:19no that other smell oh god i'm i'm sorry sir i can't hurt you but it doesn't matter
08:26doesn't matter you can't smell it i can smell it but it never mind
08:34oh oh no oh that is oh god is it um is it still troubling yes it is god oh
08:40smells like
08:41gangrene um yes someone's got gangrene in here who is it um somebody um yes would you like to move
08:49to
08:50another table sir well that's not gonna shock the gangrene is it much gangrene takes hold well
08:54you move tables as often as you like that's it oh no that's excuse me has one of you got
09:02gangrene
09:02because it's really bugging me over here it's awful yes um i can open the window so if you'd like
09:08no
09:08well never mind we'll obviously we'll just have to put up with it oh that's all right
09:17unless it's fettuccine
09:21fettuccine and gangrene they spell pretty similar
09:24well table 14 is having fettuccine sir oh well that'll be it then it's all right it's not gangrene
09:30it's your fettuccine right sir that's nothing else thank you oh no oh oh oh oh sir oh oh oh
09:41so what is it this time somebody's got bubonic plague
09:45har balloons it's awful oh sir it's hard to go it's terrible i- i bloody wrote that you can't
09:53bloody well steal something i've written
09:55then you can't tell me to be poli
10:00what uh
10:01i bloody wrote it you just stole it
10:04is there a problem
10:08problem yes i'll say there's a bloody problem all right that's my sketch and you bloody nick it
10:15well so when when did when when when what when did you write it well i don't know i don't
10:20know
10:20years ago years ago yes well i mean can you prove it of course i can't bloody prove i mean
10:29what do
10:29you think i am for god's sake look i'm telling you i'm telling you that's my sketch you know i
10:34mean it's based on a personal experience i had for god and i'm not going to let you do i
10:40just
10:40take it and and and pretend it's yours well if you can't prove that you wrote it it's rather hard
10:45for us to believe well i don't care whether you bloody well believe me or not i'm telling you it's
10:48my sketch i wrote it and what's more you two you're breaking the law by doing it now it's a
10:53very
10:53serious allegation oh well well you should have thought of that before you started doing it
10:57shouldn't you well i'm sorry about this ladies and gentlemen obviously we can't go on doing a sketch
11:04now i will have to get this sorted out and then hopefully we'll be able to come back to this
11:07later on i'm really sorry okay this is your solicitor's name in the dress yeah that's right
11:12yeah samson delight yeah well uh i've actually applied to to join the uh plainclothes branch but
11:19uh as you can see i'm on probation at the moment
11:22what a bit of luck uh you know next month maybe i'll i'll be issued with the proper bomber jacket
11:30and uh it's goodbye to this thanks every day in britain more than 10 million people are mad
11:40that's the disturbing conclusion in a report just published called is britain turning into a nation
11:47of mad people dr midgery marjorie is with me now dr marjorie just how serious is this problem
11:58it's very serious wait a minute i haven't finished it sorry in real terms
12:08okay yes go on yes it's very serious indeed in 1957 when records began we were i think the
12:16sixth maddest country in europe whereas last year's figures show that now britain i'm afraid
12:23it leads the european community it is a community isn't it yes britain now leads europe in terms of
12:32being mad well that's a worrying trend certainly you're very kind right now um for those viewers
12:39who may just have switched on this minute uh would you mind having this conversation with me all over
12:43again you're fine with me right is britain turning into a nation of mad people dr midgery marjorie is
12:50with me now um dr marjorie just how serious is this problem in real terms not particularly not
12:57particularly what serious isn't it no no no right when we talk about um britain's increasing madness
13:05um what sort of madness are we really discussing well all sorts really from the kind of madness that
13:11makes people want to put on a hat when they get into a car to the really extreme madness prompts
13:17people that to go to the theater right so that's um that's quite a broad basket of madness oh yes
13:23well we've tried to be pretty thorough right right now for those people who've just tuned in right now
13:29um could i suggest that you invest in a copy of radio times where you can plan your viewing properly
13:35and stop butting into programs five minutes after they've begun i mean you wouldn't you wouldn't after
13:40all start a novel at chapter five would you well you would if the first four chapters were rubbish
13:44don't be quiet um no dr marjorie um examining the causes um beneath and behind and to some extent to
13:54one side of britain's underlying and increasing madness uh what exactly are they well we examined
14:01uh sorry sorry who's we my mother and i and a woman called alice fine fine and we came up
14:12with some
14:12pretty interesting results you see essentially madness is like charity it begins at home oh that's
14:23interesting daryl corporal punishment you think i was beaten as a i was beaten as as a child didn't do
14:34me
14:43any harm good morning sir can i help you talk uh yes i'm looking for a three-door hatchback
14:51probably uh around about a c reg a low mileage if possible um i think three three and a half
14:58mark
15:01probably a three-door hatchback yeah a fiesta or polo something like that anything cheap and reliable
15:06basically hmm well we have got this queen anne dressing table very nice condition the drawers
15:13aren't original hence the price of 1250 pounds right right no that's that's very nice it's a nice piece
15:18yeah yeah there isn't there isn't much room in it though is there well i'm just i'm just thinking
15:24about the shopping you know whether there's enough room for the shopping i mean i don't want anything huge
15:27like a volvo or anything i mean you wrote this one as well yes i bloody well did don't you
15:44come all
15:45sarcastic on me you know perfectly well you never wrote this that's not our lucky night i'm afraid
15:52bad bad bad man by the car in an empty shop that's it that's it i wrote that years ago
15:58well it's solid
15:59you see that's what i like about it it's solid without being smutty um not nearly smutty enough
16:08well ask a stupid person and you get a stupid answer
16:13morning control hello tony come on in thank you i will come in just for the now
16:22i expect you will have heard the news then well the place is in a bit of an uproar but
16:27you know
16:28what rumors are oh yes i don't know i sometimes think that if i believed everything i heard in
16:34rumors i'd be believing some things that aren't true at all anyway you'll forgive me if i yawn a
16:42bit during today but what with one thing and another i didn't get too much sleep last night
16:47oh poor you you must be exhausted or very tired at least or is that wrong no that's quite right
16:53i am tired tony well perhaps you'd like to tell me what happened control unless you're too tired
17:03i think it would be best if i filled you in that way you won't have to rely on departmental
17:09rumors
17:09will you yes and that would be of great convenience i expect it would well we picked up costain last
17:17night yes i gathered as much from the rumors but i wasn't sure whether it was absolutely true so
17:22it's good to have it confirmed by you i can imagine costain came quite quietly i think he'd
17:28guess that we'd suspected him of being a traitor for some time now which we had hadn't we yes that's
17:34quite true we had when was it we first came to suspect him do you think hmm well i can't
17:42remember
17:42exactly but it was certainly some time ago before last spring would you say well around there
17:47definitely yes certainly no later than the 14th of may because that was my birthday and i remember
17:54thinking at the time that having costain arrested and put behind bars would be the best birthday
17:58present anyone could ever hope i remember you saying those exact words tony so any old way you
18:07managed to arrest him then yes he was taken to the ninth floor and i had the job of interrogating
18:13him
18:13hmm that's never a very pleasant task is it control no it's one of the things i least enjoy having
18:19to do
18:19as a matter of fact tony it's very difficult when someone doesn't want to tell you anything
18:24and you have to think up ways of making them tell you yes that can call on all your know
18:29-how can't it
18:30that's right yes costain i'm afraid didn't want to tell us anything but i thought it would be much
18:34better if he did because if he's been working for the russians all this time then we ought to know
18:39what he's been up to or didn't we yes that way we know which of our secrets have been given
18:45away
18:45and which are safe that's exactly right hmm so was the minister pleased that we caught him at last
18:52well on the one hand tony he's delighted that costain has been put behind bars at last
18:57on the other hand he's very anxious to minimize publicity and of course on the other hand he has
19:02hold on
19:05you've got three hands there control oh yes i wasn't counting very carefully was i well let's
19:12just say he's also rather cross that we allowed a soviet agent to go undetected amongst our rank for
19:17so long so a mixed reception then i think that's a very fair way of putting it actually tony yes
19:25so all in all and what with one thing and another it's been a pretty tiring 48 hours well 44
19:33hours to
19:33be exact but it feels like 48 i can tell you well 46 or 47 at least so being as
19:42how you're so tired
19:43control perhaps a cup of coffee might perk you up oh i say that's ever such a super thought tony
19:49i'd just
19:50love one coming right up you're a lifesaver tony and that's a fact oh and control under the
19:57circumstances i'm going to make sure it's a good and strong one bye-bye bye so do you like heavy
20:05metal i quite like heavy metal but um i prefer something that wasn't quite so heavy what a bit
20:12lighter yes lighter metal would be nicer um only unfortunately light metal doesn't exist oh well
20:17that's where you're wrong because genital records have just issued a new compilation album really
20:23yes it's called light metal is it a completely new concept apparently oh and what's it called
20:31light metal goodness so it's like heavy metal but without the weight right do you know any examples
20:38of light metal well the main bitch sex monsters of the whole scene at the moment yes are called the
20:44bishop and the warlord i'm very much on the lookout for action at the moment maybe
21:02i don't have a single moment to lose i'm heading on for good times whichever way i choose
21:08i'm going to pull back with my right hand get that front wheel off the ground and don't try and
21:13stop me because i'm not going to be around i'm a hard-headed woman i'm a bitch on the heat
21:26i've got a sophisticated body and easy action kids i've got long straight legs and red red ruby lips
21:35i'm looking for good loving baby that's what i am to find because i'm a good time sister
21:40you can touch me i don't mind i'm a hard-headed woman i'm a bitch on heat
21:57uh sex and violence really we're a small company but we're expanding all the time
22:06i prefer the quieter ones rarely well basically you do need something to moisten the bread
22:14um you can't just run it under the tap
22:18ah uh mr lully is that's correct yes glad you could see me at such short notice not at all
22:23do sit down thanks very much um can i offer you a coffee oh that would be very nice yes
22:27thanks
22:27right uh how do you like it uh decaffeinated jug method low mineral content spring water not quite
22:33raw to the boy with semi-skinned milk with one utra sweet unstirred right um mark yes do we still
22:41have that chemistry set in the office ah well then just one coffee please okay right now mr lully
22:49you're after a loan is that right that's about the size of it yeah you say in your letter that
22:53you're
22:54starting up a new business and you'd uh like to take advantage of our new greedo start-up package
22:59that's absolutely correct yes you don't need to say what the product is that you're hoping to market
23:04well ah as it happens i've actually brought along a couple of samples with me um we haven't actually
23:09settled on brand names yet but basically uh the blue sachet is cocaine and the red is heroin
23:18sorry the market research we've done so far has indicated that cocaine is thought of as a brighter
23:23fresher product therefore the blue um and heroin is warmer more passionate uh hence the red
23:28if you disagree i'd certainly value your input you're planning to sell and distribute drugs on
23:34the button yep the market's there i'm ready to go and let's face it europe's open for business
23:39yes um problem possibly possibly well i think perhaps i know what you're going to say uh certainly
23:45up until now this is an area which has been hedged about with a lot of uh rules and regulations
23:49and
23:49uh to be quite honest when i first looked at this market i thought to myself hey i'd be better
23:53off
23:53manufacturing red tape
23:57red tape yes um but thankfully those times are changing now whole new markets are opening up and
24:03i'm ready to play them yes but the demand is there no question is it well one of the most
24:08exciting
24:08things for me is that uh it's such a young market young oh yes immensely young yes consumer profiling
24:14indicates the 12 to 15 year olds segment and um you know if we can instill brand loyalty into them
24:20at that age well that's got to be good news but but but but yes you're thinking 12 to 15
24:25year olds do
24:25they have the income well what i always say about is this um if the product's right they'll find the
24:30income you know uh their mother's handbags car stereos old age pensioners wherever it is
24:38yes i hesitate to use a word like this and it's old-fashioned but do you think this is strictly
24:42moral i beg your pardon moral do you think it's moral moral yes i'm not sure i've actually got any
24:51precise figures on that uh susie said she did me a bar chart no no is it moral to do
24:57this at all
24:58you know with with children and so on well let me just say this i mean would you rather we
25:04stood
25:04idly by and let the the germans the dutch south americans take over our market share
25:09huh where's your precious morality then well up a gum tree without a panel that's where it is
25:15the question is this either you believe in market forces or you don't ah well i can help you there
25:21because i don't you don't no no i don't believe in market forces i used to of course when i
25:26was a
25:27child but like everybody else when i grew older i discovered it was all made up
25:32made up yes yes i can still remember the exact day i found out it it was a christmas eve
25:37and i couldn't sleep and i crept downstairs and i heard my you know parents they were they were
25:43talking and arguing and laughing about market forces and saying how they were going to have
25:47to break it to me one day came as a bit of a blow as you can imagine two years
25:51later i discovered
25:52father christmas didn't exist either didn't exist you're kidding did you still yes i did actually
25:59yes i am sorry growing up eh ladies and gentlemen i think we've got to know each other well enough
26:08over the weeks now for me to make a little confession i don't want you to be embarrassed
26:12by this i'm not and it's i whose breast is being cleaned not yours um the fact is i'm not
26:19quite as
26:20i seem you see before you what i've been kind enough to call a rather lovely figure of a super
26:25and that's uh fine breastly as it should be however and this is where i'm going to have to ask
26:30you to
26:30be excitingly pretty i do have a peculiarity which i feel i must in all softness be rather heavenly
26:36about just for a divine um like an increasing number of people today i have a pair of nipples
26:43attached to my chest here and to a lesser extent there but and this is where i'm forced to be
26:51a
26:51little more delicious than usual while this one here neville is rosy and rosy and everything one
26:58could want this one sheila is bright blue and something of a young disappointment well
27:05there in a smooth-limbed golden-thied way we are uh you've been patient you've been glossy you've
27:11been surprisingly supple uh i've enjoyed being fabulous with you thank you
27:18see that just there it's a miracle that another inch and that would have been just there
27:30good evening chief inspector venice burnham cid may i come in well of course you can dear it's your
27:38house
27:39go on then go on go on help yourself then you know you know see if i care go on
27:44take the lock
27:45i don't care come on cindy we're going
27:47go on just just just help yourself all right anything you like take the lock
27:53sorry no how many times have you walked out in front of a bus been knocked over and killed
28:00it's pretty frustrating isn't it now there's an answer to that problem because a company down
28:06in truro in cornwall has come up with these lightweight traveling hats which can be folded
28:13very tightly indeed but which when unpacked can be thrown away almost immediately which hopefully
28:22should eliminate that bus problem as a stroke dick
28:28so
28:41so
28:42so
28:43so
28:43so