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00:04ah good morning sir can i help you yes i'd like eight packets of condoms please
00:13yes please i'd like three gossamer three featherlight the new single by jason donovan
00:20and i'd like two of the ribbed arouser jason donovan yes yes
00:29and can you make sure they're sense at all lubricated please jason donovan
00:42so
00:51so
01:02so
01:16so
01:25so
01:27so
01:41so
01:44ambassador oh witty isn't it yes sir yes a message just came through for you from the vice
01:50consul in al-rahad marked most urgent oh well then i suppose you better read it dear boy
01:5512 armored divisions heading south infantry build up along border continues every indication repeat
02:01every indication that invasion is imminent repeat imminent
02:07what should we do sir good question witty very good question my feeling is that we should do the
02:13mikado
02:15i'm sorry sir i know a lot of the younger fellows in the chancellery think it's time for a pirates
02:19of
02:19penzance but there isn't a part in that for me you see i'm sorry i don't want to spoil sport
02:24but i
02:24do think there has to be a part in it for me and the mikado seems the most appropriate choice
02:29but
02:29surely sir there are there are more pressing calls upon our time oh the jim karner you mean now
02:35i think we can let the wives sort that one out i've agreed to pin the winning rosette julia is
02:40just going to have to be satisfied with that no sir no the invasion i mean unless he's stopped now
02:44there's going to be the most appalling catastrophe surely surely we must at least issue an ultimatum
02:48oh very well witty um dispatch this unless you withdraw soonest your ticket allocation for our next
02:57gilbert and sullivan production will be severely reduced ambassador for heaven's sake not strong
03:03enough you think oh all right scratch that um unless you withdraw soonest derek nimmo's touring
03:08production of separate tables will not be cancelled he is about to invade within a matter of hours we
03:16on the brink of a world war you haven't been in the foreign office long have you witty three years
03:21sir oh dear oh dear oh dear oh dear that means you missed our last production of hms pinafore
03:28and yes i'm afraid so pity pity i wore one of julia's dresses yes i'd heard that a little tight
03:34under the arms but otherwise surprisingly comfortable really savage there was a wonderful moment in the
03:40second act where i had to go down stage as we say and kiss the wife of the first secretary
03:45but i tripped
03:46over enough ambassador i'm sorry to interrupt but we are facing an extremely dangerous situation here
03:52surely it's our duty to to inform london that invasion is imminent and request instructions i'll
03:56be honest with you with you sir i don't like you why not sir because you're a troublemaker that's why
04:03witty and because you think you know it all no i don't sir with respect we are paid astonishing amounts
04:09of money given servants wine cellars automatic knighthoods and fantastic privileges just so that
04:15when moments like this arise we will be able to avert war that is our one function and we owe
04:19it to the
04:19peoples of the world to start earning our money and actually do something a pretty speech witty
04:26thank you pretty and extremely convincing thank you very much sir the victoria club at rassan holds a
04:32public speaking competition every april the first prize is only a silver cup but i think i might enter you
04:37sir there is not going to be a victoria club in 24 hours time what are you talking about well
04:41he's
04:42right slap bang next to the sheik's palace in the event of war it's going to be the first target
04:45bound
04:45to be well hell's bells man this has got to be stopped who's the foreign secretary how do we get
04:51in touch with him we send a signal from the cypher room sir cypher room where is that it's where
04:55we
04:55rehearse the gondoliers oh yes yes i'm very much a daily mail person um well i prefer it to a
05:07newspaper
05:07really in my dreams i've played snooker with stephen henry i've sung with barbara streisand
05:16and i've been to bed with annika rice in reality i've played snooker with barbara streisand i've sung
05:22with annika rice and i've been to bed with stephen henry sometimes life can be even better than a
05:28dream no i can't stop i'm afraid my wife has been towed away hello don't know if you recognize this
05:40um
05:42this is the ampersand we used in the very first series of a bit of fry and lorry uh all
05:49those years
05:49ago oh way back when in what 1980 let me think seven um if you remember the words a bit
05:55of fry
05:56went on this side and the word lorry went on this side because an ampersand of course is a symbol
06:02isn't it it's a sort of character that can stand for the word and now ampersands of course come in
06:08all
06:08shapes and sizes don't they and i think i'm right in saying that hugh has a whole tabletop
06:13that's absolutely right steven yes uh now this one here for example uh we're very excited about
06:19this one has been lent to us from america uh where it was used in all five series of cagney
06:23and lacy
06:25this is now permanently housed in the whitgift ampersand museum in vermont and now what about
06:31this one here this this slippery fellow i wonder if you recognize this yeah no well this was used in
06:36the second series only i think i'm right in saying of a program called food and drink starring chris
06:42kelly and produced by peter basiljet um of course there are lots more as you can see well that's
06:47right um of course it may surprise you to know that you could well own an ampersand of your very
06:52own if you have a computer or old-fashioned typewriter you'll find you've probably got an ampersand
06:58just above the number seven on your keyboard but please do remember if you want to print it out
07:03always press the shift button as well all right until then goodbye good luck
07:17gentlemen i believe you both know the purpose of this meeting thank you mr tolleby but the
07:22circumstances of our meeting are well known to us there is no need of further explanation
07:26i let us be about the business the business let us be about it very well then let us be
07:32in the
07:32business of going about the business very well then in hand i the business in hand so be it
07:42so david i understand the choice is yours sword or pistol sword as you wish it is the only weapon
07:49for
07:49a gentleman just so that means mr van hoyle that you have the position very thank you sir now gentlemen
07:57when you are both bracing ready i shall drop no no wait wait wait wait wait a minute is there
08:03something wrong sir david well quick man the hour goes late well it's just that i sort of assumed you
08:08know when you said sword or pistol uh that we we both have the same one i'm sorry i'm sorry
08:14i'm i'm not
08:15with you well it's just that you know i said sword thinking that wouldn't mean we would both have a
08:19sword oh i wonder if there's any way we could get a sword oh uh excuse me you wouldn't happen
08:38to have
08:38a sword on you would you 20 past seven oh stitch don't we how would it be if mr van
08:48hoyle were to
08:49take the pistol but promise not to fire it i mean i even use the pistol as if it were
08:56a sword exactly
08:57so it's me oh hang on look i mean he wouldn't cut anything it's blunt see nothing it stings oh
09:07it
09:07stings you don't make steam it's not the same is it it's a sword i just thought what a crap
09:12one
09:12about this is no you see no no what we need is something that we've got two of uh i've
09:17got two
09:17brothers no i've got two brothers ah matches what do you mean set fire to each other well it's better
09:23than nothing oh no i've only got one left oh oh bear with me i have one last idea up
09:31my sleeve
09:31well a handkerchief no sir david two handkerchiefs are you proposing that we duel to the death with a
09:42pair of handkerchiefs i realize it's not ideal mr van hall but at least it would be fair it would
09:47take
09:47forever i have to be in town by eight o'clock at the at the latest yeah we haven't got
09:51anything else
09:52though you see oh very well they better be clean that's all scrupulously clean i assure you
09:58now gentlemen when you are both braced and ready i shall drop the hang
10:04oh for heaven's sake how are you yeah uh people often ask what we keep under our helmets
10:12well i'll show you all right
10:18just nicked it
10:28emf are good uh so is klf and omd elo a crap but the best is klm do you know
10:36them oh they're great
10:37cheap flights daily till i'm stood up yeah well you uh you might be interested in this tie that
10:43i'm wearing uh it was sent to be by some friends in nottingham it's called a triple r tie and
10:48the
10:49triple r is a club for guys who've done three complete circuits of the nottingham ring road in
10:54the passenger seat of a voxel carlton um they've got about uh well more than more than 200 members and
11:01uh
11:02they have you know slideshows and rallies and so on it's a great club and i'm uh very proud to
11:06be a
11:06member so thanks guys
11:10if i had my druthers as they say in america i should love to have met oscar wilde he must
11:16have been a
11:16fascinating conversationalist and i should imagine he was very good in bed
11:22thank you ladies and gentlemen we'd like to sing a song for you now but we can't that's to say
11:27my brother
11:28orrin can't being as how he suffered a strange musical accident when he was a boy
11:32that caused lasting and everlasting damage so if it's all the same to you i'll sing the song and
11:38my brother orrin will just tap along to the strange rhythms in his head the song is called there ain't
11:44but one way sing the song i'm singing the song orrin don't tell him i'm singing the song
12:01well the world is facing problems getting bigger every day we got a greenhouse over texas and
12:08recessions on the way we got hunger in the third world we got anger in the first
12:15half the world is flooding and the others dying of thirst although people tell you that this planet's
12:22dying fast well i ain't seen a problem yet can't be solved by kicking ass kicking ass kicking ass is
12:31what
12:31we do kicking ass we don't care whose ass we kick it forever all alone we just stand in front
12:44of
12:44the mirror and try and kick our own well we kicked ass in a grenade and we kicked ass in
12:53iraq we kicked the
12:55ass out of the ozone layer now they say we gotta kick it back we kick the ass of cancer
13:01and we'll kick the
13:02ass of aids and as for global warming we'll just kick ass wearing shades kicking ass
13:10kicking ass kicking ass we kick it forever all alone we just stand in front of the mirror and try
13:27and kick our
13:28own well you can move your ass and call your ass and busting ass is fine and there ain't a
13:34better place
13:35to put your ass on the line but if you're like us thank you and you won't take second best
13:45you'll put your kicking boots on and kick like all the rest
14:05i think animal testing is a terrible idea they get all nervous and give silly answers
14:13yeah you know it's uh it's a pity you couldn't make it down to that club the other night what
14:16to shaggers yeah that is cracking i mean the crumpet there is first right i mean excellent absolutely
14:23excellent yeah i'd heard the crumpet was pretty top drawer stuff it's excellent absolutely excellent
14:26yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah because you want a gold member there are you what shaggers platinum oh
14:31platinum yeah because i just got my membership through for screwers really platinum no no diamond
14:36with strontium edging oh that's excellent absolutely excellent yeah yeah excuse me i'm trying to get
14:40some petrol out of pump number four yup well it doesn't seem to work can you hold on
14:46i know you two from somewhere i don't believe i've had the pleasure i know have you had the
14:51pleasure simon don't believe i've had the pleasure of having the pleasure nick no no didn't you used
14:55to be estate agents um you did you were estate agents at um where was it uh wilson and routledge
15:02well yeah we did at one point dabble in the property game yeah yeah it is a game isn't it
15:06oh it's a game
15:07yeah i mean stakes are high not everyone can take it but it's a game nonetheless yeah yeah and now
15:11you're
15:11running a petrol station uh now we're in the petrol game yeah and it is a game yeah well do
15:16you mind moving
15:16into the switching on pump number four game because i'm in a bit of a hurry uh yes uh do
15:20you mind me
15:20asking you first of all how much you're thinking of spending i beg your pardon yeah uh my colleague
15:25is trying to focus in on your idea of a sort of spending bracket look i just want some petrol
15:31out of pump number four yeah i'll be the super plus yes right uh simon nick details on the super
15:37plus ladies in a bit of a hurry right you be my colleague won't keep you waiting details super plus
15:42super plus here we are oh yes yeah here we go uh super plus a fine well-presented petrol
15:50conveniently situated in a pump in an increasingly sought-after octane range ideal for the professional
15:57person yes yes can i have some please uh simon have we got the keys to pump number four i'm
16:02not so
16:02sure about that there's been a lot of interest in superport oh great deal of interest yeah we've
16:05heard several motorists in here this afternoon as a matter of fact offering cash deals well look
16:09i'm offering a cash deal i want 10 pounds worth of petrol yowza looks like the lady means business
16:15surely doesn't then some so uh 10 pounds worth of super plus would be what son i'm on the case
16:20uh that'll get you uh two pints two pints yeah that's what uh 40 pounds a gallon is it simon
16:26right
16:26as you ever be nick 40 pounds for a gallon of petrol ah for a gallon of super plus that
16:31is a top draw
16:31petrol oh that's excellent excellent i tell you what i tell you what nick do you mind carry on ahead
16:35ladies obviously keen i read the lady is keen myself what's to stop me from ringing the owners
16:40and asking if they'd be prepared to take another very unlikely i'm not saying it'll work i'm saying
16:46i'll give it my best shot okay then okay right so what is yourself doing the evenings i'm wondering
16:54oh good question there from a colleague does yourself ever get down to shaggers in the king's parade
16:58or uh or screwers in holy street that's a shame no they're cracking clubs i mean excellent absolutely
17:04excellent yeah hello mrs mobile yeah simon flats in here listen godman lady in seems to be interested
17:11in the super plus wonder whether you'd be prepared perhaps to be flexible on the price
17:17all right she's just gonna check with mr mobile uh presumably you're hoping for a more attractive
17:22price i was gonna go for a more sensible price oh good move yeah i'll go for a sensible price
17:25first
17:26than an attractive price later yeah i wouldn't mind if it was cheaper cheaper well it's been a long
17:31time since i heard that one what's cheaper in your money simon beautifully priced beautifully priced
17:34yeah well let's uh let's see what old simon can do hello yeah mrs mobile right yeah oh i see
17:40can do
17:40yeah uh mrs mobile is anxious to dispose of the property and uh she's prepared to let it go for
17:46195
17:47a gallon immediate sale fine oh lady says that's fine all right we'll be back to you mrs mobile
17:53right can we get on with it yeah let's fast track this one now what about an arrangement to view
17:57why don't we say friday at 11. no actually friday at 11 is no good for me is it not
18:03i'm showing some
18:04first-time drivers around pump number six oh well it's uh it's gonna have to be the arse end of
18:09next
18:09week then the arse ends clean for me is it because of the property slump 25 000 estate agents who
18:18were
18:18safely confined in offices have been forced out into the community it's a dreadful situation but
18:24you can do something to help 50 pounds will get us an assault rifle or handgun even 50 pence will
18:31buy
18:31enough ammunition to deal with a team like nick and simon here so please give generously in the meantime
18:39i'm going to have to decide which of these two to shoot first goodbye bye
18:48jobs well yes i've had a variety of jobs since i came to london i started off
18:52running a mobile 24-hour discotheque for the st john's ambulance brigade when they have those
18:58those big functions you know they needed discotheques standing by just in case we never
19:01needed thank god but you know we were there and after that i set up as a freelance nudist
19:08odds and ends uh weddings opening supermarkets did a lot of work for security core funnily enough
19:15and then came the big nudist crash of 87 and i got out and joined um a removals firm in
19:20notting hill
19:21we did a job for a a saudi diplomat called nigel havers you can imagine the sort of stick he
19:28got having
19:29the same name as uh um nigel havers that's right uh but he was nice enough chap we moved house
19:36for him
19:36um he wanted his house moved down to the end of the street he said it was easy to park
19:41there his
19:42funny thing was that we just finished it and put the last slate back on the roof
19:45and there's austin 1100 and came park right in front so we had to move it all back again but
19:51happy days happy days then um let me see i had a couple of months in the white slave trade
19:58um on the selling side i should point out it was you know telephone stuff mostly mail order work
20:03in fact it was pretty dull but that got me my next job which was as director of pharmaceutical research
20:08for ici god was why because i don't know anything about drugs but uh i did do a pretty good
20:15interview
20:16but they rumbled me eventually i all i could think of to say was that the pills ought to be
20:20oblong
20:20instead of round and after a couple they threw me out but which was fine with me because i needed
20:24a
20:24break and i i went and joined this this group of traveling loss adjusters because in the summer
20:30you see there aren't many losses that need adjusting and what they do is they they they go around the
20:34seaside resorts putting on loss adjusting shows for children which is quite fun uh can't be drunk a
20:39lot though those loss adjusters can stick it away it's unbelievable then after that i spent a couple
20:44of months as princess anne's assistant um but i chucked that in because you know it's perfectly obvious
20:50they were never going to make me princess anne no matter how well it was a question of who you
20:56were rather than how well you did the job and i hate that i just can't bear that i was
21:04very shocked
21:04when my son told me that his boyfriend was homosexual oh yeah i was i was in the hospital where
21:11when my
21:11youngest was born having my appendix out what do i think of john major's leadership i'd welcome it
21:32well first may i say what a privilege this is for my company and that i hope that this will
21:36be the start
21:37of a long and fruitful european cooperation so shall we begin now first of all mrs carrie banner chief
21:45uh testrada men pot clunistart weskamer menschified billion bolliant belliant messy caribans my company
21:56hip loka belly why me why me why me popular custom fencerfeiffer wood
22:05stister harbour barbilan katrotty weathlef whisk like
22:14marpy fan hola kriker bomb yelly masterman insi gob tratter
22:22to tie up a far-reaching european deal with your company
22:27tea
22:31but i hope you will agree
22:34what bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum bum
22:39that the price must be fair to both parties
22:43linhaki tachila uh
22:46oh a problem well it's just that there's no such word as price
22:51in strom oh uh well cost not really hinty papapula fat cock
23:01but you well you must have a word for the amount of money that is to be paid for something
23:04not really there's hifty bune hate right and what does that mean well it means price
23:12in the sense of exploding vest
23:17there's no sense in which price means exploding best
23:21well it's the closest we get
23:24well all right uh the um the exploding vest must be fair to both parties
23:29hefty bune hate hippy hap wipe
23:33plenty ass
23:34that would be perfectly so for factory right well uh all that remains is the long-term contracts
23:44sorry
23:48you said you said long-term contracts yes yes well you see to us that's very funny because
23:55long-term contracts is what what you would call wee-wee
24:00is it really yes well uh the um the long-term contract
24:10for uh for after sales service what after sales service
24:18thud nub ow and i do apologize well what on earth did she do that for well i think maybe
24:27mrs
24:27carrie banerchief wasn't so happy you should insult her well all i said was after sales service
24:34so you do speak strong after all no no i mean what does it mean well it's very hard to
24:40define but
24:40i could show you if i had a goat and four pairs of marigolds washing up gloves and a very
24:47short billi
24:48queue and a local radio weatherman but that would only hint at what the word means
24:55oh dear oh well what now you said oh dear well yeah well what does dear mean
25:04you really are cruising for a bruising
25:10dear it's a very bad word to say it means in our well it means a sort of animal with
25:16the wetted noses
25:17and the big soft brown eyes and the antlings it's the worst thing you can call anybody so well i
25:25suggest we have a cooling off period you go and consult your principles i'll try and placate mrs carrie
25:30i'll try and achieve
25:32i
27:39Hey.
27:42I'm telling you.
28:03Give me.
28:04from me we're going to leave you with tonight's cocktail recipe a slow snog
28:09with a distant relative to a dark run one of white gin one of yellow a
28:17spoonful of crushed sugar puffs two hard-boiled eggs and an open-toed
28:22sandal please mr. music will you play
28:34Oh
28:36yeah
28:36yeah
28:39yeah
28:45yeah
28:46yeah
29:14enjoy soupy twist
29:16soupy twist