- 5 days ago
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00:00Uh, um, um, um, um, um, um, um.
00:32Ah, good morning, Michael. Good morning, sir.
00:35Good morning, Mr. Smear.
00:36Yes, well, we'll dispense with the good mornings, if you don't mind.
00:39I haven't got time for good mornings.
00:41As you wish. Now, um, you wanted to discuss something with me.
00:44I think you know why I'm here.
00:46I don't think I do.
00:48Tell him. Tell me what?
00:50Tell him what you told your mother last night.
00:53Come on, come on. Sexual intercourse.
00:55You can often bring about pregnancy in the adult female.
00:57It can often bring about pregnancy in the adult female, yes.
01:01Yes?
01:02You heard that, did you?
01:04Yes.
01:04Yes, well, I'd like an explanation, if it's not too much trouble.
01:08An explanation of what?
01:10An explanation of how my son came to be using language like that in front of his mother.
01:17Well, I, um, I assume it's something that Michael's been learning in his biology classes.
01:20Is that right?
01:21Yes, sir.
01:22Yes, with Mr. Hent.
01:23Glad to see some of it's sinking in.
01:28Well, this is a turn-up, but no mistake.
01:31What is?
01:32I didn't imagine you'd be quite so bare-faced about it.
01:35About what?
01:36I came here today to make a complaint about my son being exposed to gutter language in the playground.
01:41I am frankly staggered to find out that this is something he's actually been taught in a classroom.
01:47I mean, what is going on here?
01:48Well, we're trying to teach your son.
01:51Are you indeed?
01:52Trying to teach him what?
01:53How to embarrass his parents?
01:54How to smack himself with heroin?
01:56What?
01:58Mr. Smear, I can assure you we have no...
02:01Do you call yourself a school?
02:02Well, I don't know if you call myself a school.
02:06Well, you're ashamed of yourself filling a young lad's head with filth like that.
02:10Well, let me tell you something about the real world.
02:12You're here to provide a service.
02:14Well, that's quite right.
02:15Oh, that's quite right.
02:16Yes, well, I'm not happy with it.
02:17I'm not happy with the service you're providing.
02:20Would you rather that Michael didn't attend biology classes?
02:23Well, certainly I would.
02:24If those are the kind of lies I can expect to hear repeated at the dinner table.
02:28They're not lies, Mr. Smear.
02:30Oh, aren't they?
02:31Aren't they?
02:32What, sexual intercourse can bring about pregnancy in the adult female?
02:35Well, that's quite true.
02:38True, my arse.
02:41It's nothing more than a disgusting rumour put about by trendy young people in the 60s.
02:46Trendy young people in their 60s?
02:49In their 60s, in their 60s.
02:51That's when it all started, people like you.
02:53I can assure you, Mr. Smear, that sexual reproduction has been part of the biology syllabus for many years.
02:58I don't care about your blasted syllabus.
03:00What good is a blasted syllabus out there?
03:03Out where?
03:03Out there.
03:04The Arkwright Road.
03:07Arkwright Jungle, I call it.
03:09Well, what would you rather we taught your son?
03:11I would rather, I would rather you taught him values, Mr.
03:16Err...
03:16Casalingua.
03:17Casalingua.
03:18That's what you're here for.
03:22You're not here to poison my son with a lot of randy sex talk.
03:26Michael definitely is your son, is he?
03:29Well, certainly is my son.
03:30Well, then it's safe to assume that at some stage, you and Mrs. Smear must have had sexual intercourse.
03:35Right, that's it.
03:37I've heard enough of this.
03:37I'm going to knock some sense into you myself.
03:40You're going to fight me now, are you?
03:41Yes, I bloody well am.
03:43I'm not going to stand for this.
03:45Well, do you mind if I do?
03:46Talking like that in front of the boy, you're a bloody disgrace.
03:50Mr. Smear, how can Michael be your son if you and Mrs. Smear have not had sexual intercourse?
03:56Michael is my son...
03:57Yes?
03:59...in the normal way.
04:02And what, in your opinion, is the normal way to have a son?
04:06If you're trying to trick me into sexy terms...
04:10Well, the normal way to have a son is to get married, buy a house, get properly settled in, furniture
04:19and so on, and just wait for a bit.
04:24Make sure you eat properly, three hot meals a day.
04:27Three hot meals?
04:27Hot meals, yes.
04:29And Michael just sort of popped up, did he?
04:32Yes, well, of course, it's a few years ago now, but I think, yes, one day he was just there.
04:38And at no stage did you or Mrs. Smear engage in any act of sexual intimacy?
04:42Yes.
04:42It's very hard for you to believe, isn't it?
04:44It's very hard for you to believe that there's still some of us who can bring a child into this
04:48world without recourse to cannabis and government handouts.
04:52Well, I don't even know what to say.
04:53No, I bet you don't. It's not every day a consumer stands up to you and makes demands, is it?
04:58Well, not of this nature, sir.
04:59No? Well, then, welcome to the harsh realities of the marketplace, Mr. Casalingua.
05:04Right, OK. So, what do you want me to do?
05:07Well, it's perfectly obvious, isn't it?
05:08Not to me.
05:09Well, I mean, if I go to Littlewoods and say that I'm not happy with a cardigan, for example, well,
05:15they'll change it for me, and gladly.
05:18You want me to change your son?
05:21Well, of course I do. Mine is soiled now.
05:28I'm afraid we don't have any spare sons.
05:31Typical, isn't it?
05:33Well, what have you got of equal value?
05:40Oh, we have got some locusts in the biology lab.
05:44Locusts? Hmm.
05:45Do I have your assurance that these locusts will not embarrass Mrs. Smear at table with foul language?
05:51I think I can do that.
05:53Hmm. How many of them are there?
05:55Well, there are two at the moment.
05:57What do you mean at the moment?
06:02Well, they're married, you see, and they've bought their own cane and some furniture and settled down and are having
06:09three meals a day.
06:11Hot meals?
06:12Warm-ish.
06:14So, Mrs. Smear might one day become a grandmother?
06:17It's a distinct possibility.
06:21She'd like that.
06:24Oh, they've got hotter pavements, I know that.
06:31Well, Sue Lawley used to, before she went mad.
06:34No, she couldn't.
06:38Why am I thinking of bus lanes?
06:43Underneath the bellied skies, where dust and rain find space to fall, to fall and lie and change again, without
06:48a care or mind at all, for art and life and things above.
06:51In that there look, just there, no right left, up, down, past or future, we have but ourselves to fear.
06:58Hugh, you chose that poem.
07:00For God's sake, why?
07:04I chose it for a number of reasons, Stephen.
07:06Chief amongst them, Bean?
07:07Well, can I perhaps turn that question round and say, because it was short.
07:11The poem?
07:12Yes.
07:12And that's important?
07:13Well, yes, it seems to me, with the pace of modern life being what it is, most people just haven't
07:17got time to spend on long poems,
07:19and therefore this is something that would ideally suit the short-haul commuter or the busy housewife,
07:24and leave plenty of time over for other sporting and leisure activities.
07:27Well, that represents quite a boon.
07:29Oh, an enormous boon?
07:30Well, we're always on the lookout for enormous boons.
07:33Is it perfectly safe?
07:35Oh, it's absolutely safe, yes.
07:37This is a poem you could leave around the house in absolute confidence.
07:39Presumably, though, there must be shorter poems than that.
07:42Oh, good heavens, yes.
07:42Good heavens, yes?
07:43Good heavens, yes.
07:44Oh.
07:44There's a poem by Richard Maddox called Institutions, which I can read for you if you like.
07:48Please.
07:49Right.
07:51Le.
07:54That is short.
07:54It's very short, yes.
07:56Too short, perhaps?
07:57Possibly.
07:58Nonetheless, it might suit, say, the very busy senior executive who's only got a few moments to snatch between meetings
08:02and so on.
08:03Well, that, of course, is the market that Maddox was aiming for.
08:05Right.
08:06Now, run about this time, a lot of people are starting to think about going on summer holidays.
08:10Do you have any advice as to the kind of poems that might be suitable, say, for a family about
08:15to embark on a budget bargain break weekend fortnight getaway day now?
08:20Well, yeah, can I, first of all, issue a warning to any family planning to take poetry on holiday with
08:26them?
08:26And that warning is?
08:27Be careful.
08:28Well, that sounds like a good question.
08:30Check with your travel agent to see if there are any specific customs regulations regarding poetry, and if you're travelling
08:35outside the EEC, wrap up warm.
08:37Right.
08:38Do you have any particular advice on how to carry poetry abroad?
08:41Ah, yes.
08:42Now, I would say it's definitely worth investing in a proper travelling poetry bag.
08:47A travelling poetry bag?
08:48A travelling poetry bag, yes.
08:49You can get one of these at most big high street travelling poetry bag shops.
08:54Right.
08:55Now, I believe you've got one more poem that you're going to read to us before you go away from
08:58here.
08:59That's right.
09:00This is called The Rest of My Life, and it's by T.P. Mitchell.
09:05The T.P. Mitchell?
09:07No.
09:07Oh, T.P. Mitchell.
09:09This is quite solid, but without being too heavy.
09:11I think it's quite stylish.
09:12It's quite reader-friendly.
09:14All right.
09:14So that might suit, say, a young couple just about to start out in the catering business in the North
09:18Wales area.
09:21Forward and back, said the old man in the dance as he whittled away at his stick.
09:24Long gone, long gone, without a glance, to the entrance made of brick.
09:29It's all right.
09:33I don't think anyone here can fail to be alarmed by what's happening to our young people.
09:41I'm thinking here of crime, of drug addiction, of easy sex, of all the vices that can destroy a young
09:49person's life.
09:51And I believe we must look to the schools to tackle this problem.
09:55Schools must help youngsters to develop a sense of decent, civilised behaviour.
10:01Because everyone must surely agree that decent, civilised behaviour is every bit as important as being able to subtract or
10:10take away.
10:13Basically, the plain and simple purpose of education must be to teach children, young people, not, I repeat, not, to
10:25break into my car.
10:28There will be other aspects to education, I'm sure.
10:32But the most fundamental principle of decent, civilised behaviour is don't break into my car.
10:42Of course, I am concerned that young people shouldn't break into other people's cars too.
10:49But I think that's more of an ethical question and not really the province of government.
10:54The most important thing is that they don't break into my car.
11:01And, of course, we must look to the courts to sanction this principle.
11:06Community service, such a favourite with magistrates in recent years,
11:11shouldn't be a matter of simply scrubbing graffiti off a few lavatory walls.
11:15Young offenders must expect a short, sharp lesson in replacing the near-side window of my car.
11:25Because leaving my bloody car alone is what this government means by decent, civilised behaviour.
11:34Well, it only takes about ten minutes, apparently, and when you come out, you look exactly like Keith Harris.
11:41You don't feather up so easily.
11:45It's very hard to undo it, though, so you have to be absolutely sure.
11:49So, you'd like to join the SAS?
11:53Not really.
11:54Not really?
11:56Well, yes, all right.
11:57That's better.
11:58So, height?
11:59Nine foot six.
12:01What?
12:02Three tonnes.
12:04Well, bit over.
12:05That's better.
12:06Bit over three tonnes.
12:07It's a world to be accurate on these matters.
12:09Saves complications later on.
12:11All right.
12:11Do you have any particular disabilities?
12:13I've got no sense of taste.
12:14Uh-huh.
12:15What in films, music?
12:16No, food.
12:17I can't taste food.
12:18Oh, dear.
12:18That might be a bit of a problem.
12:19Might that be a bit of a problem?
12:20I've just said it might be a bit of a problem.
12:22Never mind.
12:23Pressing on.
12:24Special skills of any kind?
12:25I look good in black.
12:27Excellent.
12:29How old are you?
12:30Ten and a half.
12:32Shoe size?
12:33Twenty-eight.
12:34Any particular quirks?
12:36Uh, yes.
12:36I keep muddling up my shoe size and my height.
12:40I mean, my height and my shoe size.
12:42Oh, there.
12:42I've done it again.
12:43All right.
12:44All right.
12:44Are you good at small talk?
12:45What?
12:46Weather and traffic?
12:46That sort of thing.
12:47Yeah, I can hold my end up.
12:48Splendid.
12:49Splendid.
12:49How much do you know about the SAS?
12:52Uh, well, not much, really.
12:53Not really.
12:53Right.
12:54Well, the SAS was originally founded to be a crack secret, elite secret and crack assault
12:59force to work behind enemy lines during World War II.
13:02Right.
13:03Now, our role has changed substantially since that time.
13:06Now, we are here primarily to act as a masturbatory aid for various backbench MPs.
13:12Yes, I'm afraid so.
13:14You see, it seems that a lot of today's parliamentarians are quite unable to achieve sexual gratification
13:18without fantasizing about the SAS, you see.
13:22So, we have to go about the place being crack, secret and assaulting and secret and crack all
13:27the time and as neat as possible, just so these people can keep their marriages intact.
13:31It doesn't sound very exciting.
13:33No.
13:33Have you got anything else on your cards?
13:35Um, well, we are looking for someone to go through that door there.
13:39Which door where?
13:40That one, then.
13:41Oh.
13:48Yes?
13:49Uh, hello.
13:49Yes, I've just been looking for a particular book in the sports section and it doesn't seem
13:53to be there.
13:54It's by Ted Cunterblast and, uh, I think it's called The West Indies, A Nation of Cricket.
14:01It's called The West Indies, A Nation of Cricket.
14:02That would be in the sports section.
14:04Uh, yes, I've just tried that and, uh, it doesn't seem to be there.
14:08Who's it by?
14:10Ted Cunterblast.
14:14The West Indies, A Nation of Cricket.
14:17That's the one.
14:17It's by Ted Cunterblast.
14:20Yes, yeah, I know that, but, uh, have you got it?
14:23Well, apparently.
14:25Oh, thanks very much.
14:31There's some bits missing.
14:33Have you read the book before?
14:35No.
14:36Then how do you know there are bits missing?
14:39Is there a problem, sir?
14:42Uh, yes, this book is incomplete.
14:45I think not, sir.
14:48I beg your pardon?
14:49What you have in your hands is a copy of The West Indies, A Nation of Cricketers by Ted Cunterblast,
14:54precisely as it was delivered to us, sir.
14:56Well, that's what I said.
14:56I told him that.
14:58No, no, wait a minute.
14:58Look at this.
14:59Look at this.
15:00The West Indies aren't much good at cricket.
15:07It's all a chance.
15:08That's the whole book.
15:10Did you enjoy it, sir?
15:12No, I did not.
15:13This book is supposed to contain an account of the last five test series against England.
15:17All it says is the West Indies aren't much good at cricket.
15:20I envy you, sir.
15:21I can never read a book twice.
15:24Makes me giddy.
15:25Well, where's the rest of it?
15:27The rest of what, sir?
15:27Of this book.
15:28Apart from everything else, it isn't true.
15:29Oh, ha, ha.
15:30Not true.
15:31Isn't it so?
15:32No.
15:33We haven't won a test series against the West Indies for 14 years.
15:36Now, there I'm afraid I must take issue with you, sir.
15:38Oh, go on, Mr. Twee.
15:39Take issue with him.
15:41England has not lost a game of cricket since the war.
15:44I beg your pardon?
15:45Even I know that.
15:47We do have copies of Wisden, if you'd like to check.
15:49Yes, all right.
15:50Let's see them.
15:51Come on.
15:51Mrs. Perth?
15:59England is great and much better than any other country.
16:03in the world.
16:05You see?
16:05This is ridiculous.
16:07Oh, it's ridiculous, is it?
16:08It doesn't agree with his pet theories, so it's ridiculous.
16:11Thank you, Mrs. Perth.
16:12Sir, I am a librarian, but I am also an Englishman.
16:17To be blunt, I am an Englishman who merely happens to be a librarian.
16:22If, God forbid, the day should come when I would have to choose between being a librarian
16:26and being an Englishman.
16:26Yes, yes, yes, yes.
16:27I think I get the idea.
16:28Yeah.
16:28Good.
16:29Because may I say that I find your continued efforts to drag down and smear this country
16:33of ours to be frankly disgusted.
16:35I'm not trying to smear and drag down anybody.
16:37I suppose you'd rather read books about England losing at cricket than winning, wouldn't you?
16:41Well, yes, if it's true.
16:43Then I feel sorry for you.
16:46He's a knocker.
16:47That's what he is.
16:48I agree with you, Mrs. Perth.
16:49Oh, it's very easy to knock, isn't it, you, with your snide university ways.
16:55Snide university?
16:57Oh, wherever it is you went.
17:00So often these days, sir, we see, don't we, these so-called clever people who just can't
17:04wait to tear down and destroy.
17:06And knock.
17:07And knock, yes.
17:08But do they ever have anything to put in the place of the things that they destroy?
17:10No.
17:11It's wanton destruction.
17:12Nothing offered?
17:13Well, yes, it's a bit of an exaggeration, but sometimes you really have to wonder what's
17:16happening to this country.
17:17You do.
17:19Well, um, I started on the piano.
17:22Uh, then I moved up onto the mantelpiece.
17:25Now, Mr. New, do you claim...
17:27That's right, yes.
17:28I do claim, I do indeed claim, yes, that's right.
17:31Yes, you claim to be able to bend spoons using psychic energy.
17:35Psychic energy, yes.
17:36That is the method I have chosen to bend spoons with, yes.
17:40How long have you had this ability?
17:41How long, exactly, yes, that's absolutely correct.
17:44How long, yes, indeed.
17:46Well?
17:47You are very sympathetic.
17:48Sometimes it's difficult when people are not sympathetic, but you are sympathetic.
17:53Yes, can you do other things with spoons apart from bend them?
17:55I can do anything with a spoon.
17:57Really?
17:57Yes.
17:58You give me a spoon and I will give you the whole world.
18:01Well, that's an impressive claim, certainly.
18:04No, thank you.
18:05Right.
18:05Well, um, we have a selection of spoons here.
18:09I wonder if you'd care to give us a demonstration.
18:11I'm not a freak, you know.
18:13Yes, I realise that.
18:14Now, some people think that I'm some kind of circus freak.
18:16I'm not a freak.
18:17No, no, I'm sure no one here...
18:18Freak!
18:19They sometimes shout at me when I'm walking down the street, but you know, I'm no freak.
18:22Well, that must be rather distressing.
18:24Yes, it is.
18:25You are very sympathetic.
18:26Yes, thank you.
18:27Right.
18:27Um, would you care to have a go then?
18:29Yes, I will bend the spoon now.
18:30Yes, I will.
18:31Yes.
18:31Right.
18:32Well, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Nude is now going to bend his spoon using psychic energy.
18:36Yes, now is what I'm going to bend.
18:38I'm going to bend the spoon now.
18:40Right.
18:40Right.
18:40Go ahead.
18:47I don't know if your cameras can get in close to see what has happened here, but the spoon
18:51is very bent.
18:51If I show you an ordinary spoon, you can see that this is now is extremely bent.
18:57There you go.
18:58Well, the spoon is certainly bent.
19:01Of course it is.
19:02Of course it is bent.
19:03I bent it, so of course it is bent.
19:05Yes, that much is clear and beyond argument.
19:07No, forgive me.
19:07I am very tired now.
19:08It is very tiring for me to bend spoons, and I have bent too many spoons today.
19:12How many spoons?
19:13I've bent four spoons today.
19:15It's too many, you know.
19:16I'm not a circus freak.
19:16I'm a human being.
19:18Yes.
19:19Um, forgive me, Mr. Nude.
19:20No, of course.
19:21Yes, thank you.
19:21No, thank you.
19:23But from where I was sitting, it did rather look as if you bent that spoon with your hands.
19:28What are you saying?
19:29Well, simply that...
19:30What is this?
19:31It's a bent spoon.
19:32A bent spoon, yes.
19:33Oh, there.
19:34Yeah, but the question is, how did it become bent?
19:36You know, I'm not so sure that I like you as much now.
19:40I think maybe you're not so sympathetic after all.
19:42Maybe.
19:42Are you sure it isn't fraud that people shout at you in the street?
19:48Now, hey, look, mister, it is you who make the claims.
19:51You know, I bend spoons with psychic energy.
19:53I never claim to be able to bend them with my hands.
19:55That is your claim.
19:57Well, you certainly did bend them with your hands.
19:58Yeah, well, yes, maybe the psychic energy does flow through my hands, yes.
20:03But the fact is that the spoon is bent, hmm?
20:05Well, I can bend spoons with my hands.
20:07I never claimed that my powers were unique.
20:09Always I stress that anybody can bend a spoon.
20:12And my book is not expensive, by the way.
20:15There.
20:17You see?
20:18You know, it just amazes me that I ever thought that you were sympathetic, you know?
20:23Because I now know that you're not sympathetic at all.
20:25And do you know what I have in here?
20:26Now the beginnings of hatred for you.
20:28Yes?
20:29Well, next week we shall be examining the claims...
20:31If viewers in the Matlock and Buxton areas of Derbyshire would like to check their cutlery doors,
20:35they will find a bent spoon and an unused Weetabix special off a coupon.
20:39Also, I can reveal that viewers in the Tart of Dachet over the age of 14 have a slight
20:43itch on their right thigh which they are scratching as I speak.
20:45Good night.
20:46Good night.
20:47Pop-up, pop-up.
20:49I haven't done this for ages, is it?
20:52I wouldn't suck it.
20:55Ladies and gentlemen, we were going to be doing a sketch for you at this point.
20:59But we're not now.
21:00Yes, we're not going to be doing it now.
21:02Or ever.
21:03Or ever, probably.
21:05Unless this country radically changes direction.
21:09Which looks unlikely.
21:10Which, on the face of you, does seem to be unlikely.
21:12The reason we're not going to be doing this sketch is that it is a sketch which contains
21:16a great deal of sex and violence.
21:18A great deal?
21:19Yes.
21:20Lots of sex, lots of violence.
21:22During the course of the sketch, Stephen hits me several times with the golf club.
21:27Which, in the ordinary course of events, of course, wouldn't matter, except that I do
21:31it very sexually.
21:33This is it.
21:34He does it so, so sexually, I just wish you could see it.
21:37I really do.
21:38And the sketch ends with us going to bed together.
21:43Violently.
21:46Very, very violently.
21:49Now, this raises problems.
21:51Not for me.
21:52No.
21:54Nor indeed, nor indeed for me.
21:55But Sir William, Sir William, now Lord Rhys Mogg, the chairman of the Broadcasting Standards
22:01Council, has seen our sketch and he didn't like it one bit.
22:05Well, he liked it one bit.
22:07He liked it one bit, but he didn't like it lots of other bits.
22:11Now, we wouldn't want you to run off to Cornwall with the idea that Sir William's remit with
22:15the Broadcasting Standards Council is so sweeping as to be a kind of government thought
22:20police.
22:20No, no.
22:21The concern, as always, is primarily for standards.
22:24Standards.
22:25Standards.
22:26For the sake of our children.
22:28And so, in a generous spirit of give and take, Sir William has taken our sketch.
22:33And we have given it to him.
22:36And he's written another one for us to do instead, which is completely free of any gratuitous
22:40sex and violence.
22:41And shows due and proper regard for decency and standards.
22:45Standards.
22:46Promoting family values and protecting our children.
22:48Sir William has called his sketch, quite simply, Bitch Mother, Come Light My Bottom.
22:57And we're going to do it for you now.
22:59So, Bitch Mother, Come Light My Bottom, by Sir William, now Lord Rhys Mogg.
23:09Good morning, Sir.
23:10Morning.
23:11Yes, indeed, Sir.
23:12It is a good morning.
23:13I do believe we are in for a spell, as they used to say in the music halls.
23:17Not too hot, but not too mild neither.
23:22Ray, the weekend just passed, Sir.
23:25May I inquire as to whether Sir was in receipt of an enjoyableness, or did events prove themselves
23:30to be of an otherwise nature?
23:32No, very pleasant, thank you.
23:34Very pleasant, thank you.
23:35Thank you, Sir.
23:38Then, might I take it, Sir, that for that period, you were not within the boundaries of Lincolnshire,
23:45where I understand it rained like a bitch?
23:49No, I was nowhere near Lincolnshire.
23:51Sir, I am uplifted to hear something.
23:55No, my wife and I spent the weekend in Hull.
24:01Sir is married?
24:03Yes.
24:04I had literally no idea.
24:07Never mind.
24:08Sir, my remissness in failing to felicitate Sir upon the joyousness in good tidings is something
24:13I fear I shall have to live with for the rest of my life.
24:16Now, to business.
24:17Being one of the shrewdest Sirs who has ever swum into my purview, may I take it that Sir
24:21is keen to exploit the financial and social advantages inherent in having a haircut?
24:26A haircut, that's right, yes.
24:27Of course.
24:28A haircut is a hair enhanced.
24:30If Sir will entirely fail to slash my throatlet for being so old.
24:34Now, Sir, the hair in question is?
24:36What?
24:37The hair currently under advisement belongs to?
24:40What do you mean?
24:40What do I mean?
24:41Yes.
24:42Sir, I sneak myself towards the suspicion that Sir has cast me as the mouse in his ever-popular
24:47cat drama.
24:51It's my hair.
24:52I want you to cut my hair.
24:53Your hair?
24:54Yes.
24:54So your own hair is the hair upon which this entire transaction is to be funded?
24:58What a truth!
24:59Why don't I come in here to get you to cut someone else's hair?
25:02Sir, please set fire to my legs if you think I'm trying to make hair cupping, Sir.
25:07It sounds more romantic and glamorous than it really is.
25:09But believe me when I tell you that in my position one cannot be too careful.
25:13Really?
25:15Yes, indeed, Sir.
25:16Once and once only have I had to cut the hair of a gentleman against his will.
25:20And believe me when I tell you that it was both difficult and impossible.
25:26No, well, it's my hair.
25:27Your hair?
25:28Yes.
25:28Now, Sir, we proceed to that most important of stages.
25:33Which one?
25:37Which one what?
25:38Which of the manifold hairs upon Sir's crisp and twinkling headage would Sir like to place
25:43in my professional care for the purposes of securing an encutment?
25:48Now, all of them?
25:49All of them?
25:50Yes.
25:50Sir is entirely sure.
25:52Well, of course I'm sure.
25:53What's the matter with you?
25:53Sir, I seek not to question the profoundness of Sir's wonder.
25:56I need to express my own humbleness at the prospect of so magnificent a charge.
26:00No.
26:01Well, all of them.
26:03All of them?
26:04Yes.
26:04All of them?
26:04Yes.
26:05My word.
26:05Is that a problem?
26:06Oh, no, indeed, Sir.
26:07No, indeed, Sir.
26:08Not a problem, Sir.
26:09So far from being a problem, Sir, as you would not believe.
26:13I merely hope that Sir can take time off from what I know is a very hectic schedule to appreciate
26:17that for me to cut all the hairs on Sir's head represents the snow-capped summit of a barber's career.
26:24Well, you've done it before, haven't you?
26:26Oh, yes, indeed, Sir.
26:28Yes, I once cut all the hairs on a gentleman's head in Cairo shortly after the war, when the world
26:32was in uproar, and to a young man everything seemed possible.
26:36What?
26:36It would be bootless to deny that I was a younger and better-looking barber then, but let's hope that
26:41the magic has not entirely disappeared up its own rabbit hole.
26:44We shall see.
26:45We shall see.
26:45Wait a minute.
26:46Wait a minute.
26:46Wait one cotton-picking minute here.
26:50You've cut someone's hair, all of it, that is, once, since the war.
26:53So would prefer it if in the sphere of total hair-cutation I was to him a virgin?
26:57Thank you, sir.
26:58Yes, that I can respect.
27:01What?
27:01The desire that we should both of us embark upon this journey together as innocents, as wide-eyed travellers to
27:06a distant land, unknowing of our fate, careless of our destination, to emerge someday somewhere bruised, sad, a little wiser
27:14perhaps, but ultimately and joyously alive.
27:18Goodbye.
27:21Sir is leaving.
27:23Yep.
27:23May he favour me with an explanation as to the whiness.
27:26Of course.
27:28I don't believe you've got the faintest idea how you're going to end this.
27:34Sir could not be more wrong if he tried.
27:36Oh, really?
27:37Yes.
27:38Well, go on then.
27:40Now, you see, you're completely stuck.
27:41No, no, no, no, I can convincingly end this sketch in 45 seconds.
27:4545 seconds.
27:4645 seconds.
27:47All right, then off you go.
27:50If sir would care to resume the seatedness of his posture?
27:52OK, don't you.
27:57May I assume that, sir, it's close to the level of maximum comfort?
27:5940 seconds.
28:01Very good.
28:01Um, I shall just go and fetch the necessary tools.
28:08Oh, ha, ha.
28:09It's going to be a chainsaw or...
28:24I'll just let it do any harm.
28:26Unless you suck it.
28:36I'll just let it do any harm.
28:38Oh, ha, ha!
28:46Whistling
28:47Whistling