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00:00A what?
00:00Beg your pardon?
00:02Pardon?
00:04What?
00:05Beg your pardon?
00:06Come again?
00:31I like the way it starts.
00:34Quite fat.
00:35Thin, really.
00:51Thomas, I'm afraid I have some bad news.
00:53Just a moment, John.
00:54I promised Marjorie I'd mend this clock for her.
00:56I wonder if you'd mind giving me a hand?
00:57A big hand?
00:58Little hand.
01:00Anyway, listen to me, Thomas.
01:01I have some bad news.
01:02Bad news?
01:03It's Marjorie.
01:04Marjorie?
01:04She's had a fall.
01:05Marjorie's had a fall?
01:06I'm afraid so.
01:07She was out riding this morning on Thunderbolt
01:08and she hadn't returned by the time Mrs Mempoist arrived.
01:11It turns out she's had a fall.
01:13Now, just a moment, John.
01:14Calm down.
01:16Marjorie's had a fall, you say?
01:17Yes.
01:18Off a horse?
01:19Well, of course I've had this.
01:20Well, I don't see there's any of course off a horse about it.
01:23Girls nowadays are likely to fall off anything.
01:25Doesn't have to be a horse.
01:26No, but in this case it was.
01:27Could have been a chair, a table, a pianoforte, anything.
01:30Yes, except in this case she was riding a horse when it happened.
01:33When she fell off?
01:34Yes.
01:34So you reasoned yourself, Marjorie has fallen off a horse.
01:37That's right.
01:38Thunderbolt.
01:39Thunderbolt, you say?
01:39Yes.
01:40Well, Thunderbolt's a horse all right.
01:41Exactly.
01:42Any damage?
01:43Well, too soon to say.
01:45Cavendish is examining her now.
01:46Well, that old fool, what does he know about horses?
01:49No, Cavendish is examining Marjorie.
01:51Marjorie?
01:51Is she ill?
01:52No, she fell off a horse.
01:53Well, you better fetch Cavendish.
01:54I have, Thomas, because it's a driver.
01:56Horses are pretty big, John.
01:57I know they are.
01:58You fall off one of them, anything can happen.
02:00Well, quite.
02:01Well, not anything.
02:03No, not anything.
02:03No.
02:04I mean, this clock isn't going to become Prime Minister just because someone's fallen off a horse.
02:09I didn't mean anything in that sense.
02:11Well, absolutely, no.
02:12Anyway, Thomas, Cavendish is examining her now.
02:14You said he was in the drawing room?
02:15He is, examining Marjorie.
02:17And where's Marjorie?
02:18She's also in the drawing room.
02:19So they're both in the drawing room?
02:20Yes.
02:20Oh, perhaps it's not such an old fool after all.
02:23How is she?
02:24Well, too soon to say.
02:25Sounds like a hell of a fall.
02:26Off the horse?
02:27Yes.
02:27Thunderbolt.
02:28Yes.
02:28Now, what the devil was Marjorie doing falling off Thunderbolt?
02:31Oh, you know how Marjorie loves to ride, Thomas.
02:34Marjorie was riding Thomas.
02:36Oh!
02:37I'm Thomas John.
02:38I know that.
02:39Marjorie wasn't riding me.
02:40Your story's a bit twisted there, old fellow.
02:43You said she was riding Thunderbolt.
02:44She was.
02:45She was?
02:45Yes.
02:46But she's not any longer.
02:47No, she fell off.
02:47Good God.
02:48I know.
02:48Where is she?
02:49She's in the drawing room.
02:50Marjorie was riding Thunderbolt in the drawing room.
02:53No, no, no, no.
02:54She fell off at Stratton Brook where the path separates.
02:56That young fellow Cottrell found her and carried her to the drawing room.
03:00Stables would have been better, I'd have thought.
03:02What?
03:02Drawing room's no place for Thunderbolt?
03:04No, Marjorie.
03:05What do you mean?
03:06Marjorie's in the drawing room.
03:07With Thunderbolt?
03:07No, Thunderbolt's in the stables.
03:09Oh, well, that's all right then.
03:10It's not all right, Thomas.
03:11I tell you, she's had a bad fall.
03:12Is she hurt?
03:13Well, it's too soon to say.
03:14Cavendish is with her now.
03:16Cavendish?
03:17He's a doctor, isn't he?
03:18Yes.
03:20I wonder if he knows anything about clocks.
03:25If my murderer is watching this, he'll kill me.
03:28This puppy, Snipper, is in most desperate need of help.
03:34Four weeks ago, Snipper's mother died, and only three days later, her father was killed by a hit-and-run
03:42driver.
03:43Barely eight weeks old and an orphan, Snipper was also faced with the embarrassing and painful affliction of incontinence.
03:53It's a condition that we in the West don't talk about much. Shame keeps millions of sufferers silent.
04:00But Snipper's incontinence was a source of great distress to her, and rather than come to terms with it, she
04:06ran away to London.
04:07It was on the way to London that Snipper was assaulted and abused by an older dog.
04:14You can imagine the effect that this would have on an innocent puppy bitch like Snipper.
04:19She was totally confused, bewildered, and hurt.
04:24We think that it is around this time that she was struck with traumatic amnesia, a total loss of memory.
04:32This, apart from anything else, made it very difficult for her to know who she was and where she was
04:36going.
04:37She drifted into a life of scavenging and prostitution, selling her soft, furry young body just in order to stay
04:46alive.
04:47That was the life she was living when we at the ASTL found her.
04:51We were able to give her food, warmth, and more than that, love.
04:56The one thing that has been denied her in her short and tragically unhappy life.
05:01Snipper is really taking an interest now.
05:06Her memory is slowly returning, which is how we've been able to piece together the details of her existence.
05:12And with luck, she will be able to lead a normal, happy, and fulfilled life.
05:17But you know, there are thousands of Snippers in Britain, and we desperately need your help to carry on the
05:23work we're doing.
05:23We're an entirely independent charity. We receive no government funding and rely on public generosity to keep us going.
05:31If you're the kind of person who would like to help us, Snipper, then why not send your donation, however
05:36large, to...
05:38Straight to me, Stephen Fry, care of the BBC, instead. Thank you.
05:45Well, Brian Robinson's definitely got one. But, er, he's the captain, I suppose he'd have to have one.
05:51For example. I don't know, really.
05:53I joined up very early. Very early, too early, I think. I should have waited till they had a proper
05:58photocopier.
05:59Looks like the Arsenal might do it, then.
06:01Well, the Arsenal? Yeah.
06:02Oh, leave it out. Leave it out.
06:04Leave it out. Oh, leave it out. Leave it...
06:05Just leave it out.
06:06No, why should I? Just turn it up.
06:08Oh, turn it up.
06:08Turn it up.
06:09Oh, switch it off.
06:10Move it under.
06:11Oh, send it round.
06:12Knock it through.
06:13Rinse it out.
06:14Park it sideways.
06:15Oh, support it laterally.
06:17Indicate left.
06:18I'll finance it underneath.
06:19Destabilise it casually.
06:21Oh, slide it up.
06:22Remove it gently.
06:23I'll clean it thoroughly.
06:24Put it on the shelf.
06:26Fix it over.
06:27Give it some mortgage.
06:28I'll trot it round.
06:29Sell it for a small profit.
06:31Oh, comb it thoroughly before putting it back.
06:33Smell it gently.
06:34Oh, leave it out.
06:35Leave it out.
06:36Leave it out.
06:36Oh.
06:40Who told you you were naked?
06:43I beg your pardon?
06:45I was thinking, who told you that you were naked?
06:51I think you may have lost me there, Arnold.
06:54Well, do you remember that passage in Genesis?
06:57Where Adam explains to God why he and Eve have covered themselves.
07:05Yes, yes.
07:06If I remember that story right, Adam says, we were naked and we were ashamed.
07:11And God says, who told you that you were naked?
07:16Glenn and I are having a conversation about a passage in Genesis which has been intriguing
07:22me rather.
07:23Yes.
07:23It is fascinating, isn't it?
07:25Anyway, tell me about the size of your girlfriend's breasts.
07:30Well, first of all, Glenn, let's clear up this problem of why God gave such a complex response
07:39to what is on the surface a relatively simple question.
07:43Hmm.
07:44Not as simple, though, as, are they very big or any quite...
07:49No, perhaps not that simple, but still relatively simple.
07:52Yes, yes.
07:53Simpler certainly than, is she very exciting in bed?
07:57I think, um, Glenn, that what God was saying is, how can nakedness mean anything to you?
08:05How can that concept have any significance unless you have eaten the fruit of the tree
08:10whereof I said thou shouldst not eat?
08:12Yes.
08:13My bet is that they really are quite substantially large.
08:17Well, one thing at a time, Glenn.
08:19Yes, yes, all right.
08:20Let's take the left one first.
08:22How enormous would you say that is?
08:25Glenn is having a little difficulty concentrating on our Bible study readings
08:29because he has something of an obsession with the size of my girlfriend's breasts.
08:34Well, I like to put it this way.
08:35Arnold is having difficulty concentrating on our discussion about the size of his girlfriend's breasts
08:39because he's a little too interested in analyzing passages from the Bible.
08:44We'll sort it out, don't you worry.
08:46I think...
08:46So, would you say a 48-couple biggest one?
08:49Well, I think the, uh, the Queen should give one to Esther Hanson, definitely.
08:53Stand a bit closer to the left.
08:54A good smack in the face. She deserves it.
09:15Hello, Control. Something up?
09:19Well, it's the oddest thing, Murchison.
09:22But I've been told that if I want to stay fit, I have to walk at least 10 miles a
09:27day.
09:2710 miles?
09:28Hmm.
09:29But you've always been as fit as a flea, Control.
09:31Or a fiddle at any way.
09:33One of the fittest men in the service you've been occasionally referred to as.
09:39Have a look at this then, Tony.
09:41What is it?
09:42Well, that's what I asked myself when the doctor gave it to me.
09:45And then I asked the doctor.
09:48And he said it's a pedometer.
09:51A pedometer?
09:52Yes.
09:52It measures how many miles I walk.
09:55Come on.
09:56Mrs. Control is jolly careful to make sure I put it on every day, worse luck.
10:02Still, I suppose she only has your best interests at heart.
10:05That's true. I shouldn't grumble.
10:06After all, Tony.
10:07Control?
10:08She's only being so quite firm about it for my own good.
10:12Mmm.
10:13Any golly way, I think that's enough for one morning.
10:17And you didn't come here to listen to my woes?
10:19Oh, I don't know.
10:20They're quite interesting woes.
10:22What does bring you to the seventh floor, Tony?
10:25Well, Control, do you remember the minister asking us to jolly well hurry up and find out
10:30who was behind these bombs that have been going off in government departments of lately?
10:34Yes, indeed, I do remember.
10:36An urgent A1 top priority investigation was called for, as I remember.
10:40There was to be telephone tapping, surveillance, everything.
10:44And no limit on the budget.
10:46The minister said,
10:47I want you to pull all the stops out on this one, Control, if you'd be so kind.
10:54Yes, it was quite a to-do.
10:57Hmm.
10:57As I recall, Tony, I put you in charge of that investigation.
11:01Is that right?
11:02Yes, you splendidly did.
11:04Hmm.
11:05Well, have you come up with something that might be regarded as a clue,
11:08or better still, concrete evidence that might lead to some arrests?
11:12Yes.
11:12Well, that's really the reason I popped in and surprised you at your walking control,
11:16because I've just had a report from Commander Henderson of Special Branch.
11:21That's the Scotland Yard branch that was set up specifically to deal with
11:24subversion and counterinsurgency earlier this century.
11:28That's the exact one.
11:29Hmm.
11:30I imagine quite strongly it might be.
11:33Yes.
11:33Well, they say that with some of our agents working undercover alongside them,
11:37they've managed to arrest a cell of men and women who they think they can prove
11:40are responsible for the whole sorry wave of unfortunate and exasperating bomb attacks.
11:46It was a sorry wave, wasn't it?
11:48Yes, it certainly was.
11:49Well, this is good news, I must say.
11:52I thought you'd be pleased.
11:53I am most pleased.
11:56Well done, Tony.
11:57Full marks.
12:01Calls for a coffee, wouldn't you say?
12:04It most certainly does.
12:06I'll fetch you one.
12:07No, Tony.
12:08I'll fetch you one.
12:09It's my turn.
12:11Well, goodness, Control.
12:13No, thank you, Tony.
12:15White no sugar, I think it is.
12:17That's exactly right.
12:18This really is excessively kind of you, Control.
12:21Not at all, Tony.
12:22And besides, the extra walk will impress Mrs Control.
12:27Oh, you.
12:28Back in a mow.
12:29Bye.
12:31There's a riot down at Bletch in Common, so they had to use all the trousers for that one.
12:40Well, hopefully, when it's all sorted, we'll get our trousers back and things will be back to normal.
12:48Actually, I hadn't thought of that.
12:49Yes.
12:50Well, look, yes, I've got one, but before I had that one, I used to have to go down to
12:53the laundrette every week.
12:54But now I've had one put in my kitchen, and the laundrette comes to me every week.
12:58It's mine, Miss Riley.
13:00Violence.
13:01It's a theme we've touched on before now in this fortnightly look back on the past three days.
13:06And I dare say it's one we'll touch on again, and we don't apologise for that.
13:11Violence is not something that's going to lie down and go away.
13:14Mm.
13:15Well put.
13:16But the point is, surely, what are we going to do about it?
13:19Well, I suppose the phrase that best sums up our approach is responsibility television.
13:25Now, what does responsibility television mean?
13:30Well, it means that we're immensely concerned that nothing we do has a bad influence on our viewers.
13:37Thus, when I hit Hugh like so, we have to consider what the effect on the viewer might be.
13:48Yes.
13:48Mm.
13:49Is a vulnerable, easily led section of our audience going to start imitating this kind of behaviour?
13:55Well, so far in this series, I've hit Hugh on no less than a startling five occasions.
14:01You might think we have no thought at all as to how the young might be influenced by this
14:04kind of senseless, horrific violence.
14:07Would they start to imitate it?
14:08Hugh?
14:09Well, the interesting and inescapable that we've come up with, um, is yes.
14:14Because, er, since the series has started to be transmitted, I've found, walking along the street,
14:18er, that I've been hit on no less than twelve occasions by complete strangers.
14:23So, it looks as if the suggestible out there are actually imitating my violent behaviour patterns and striking them.
14:31That's right, yes, yes.
14:32Is that a worrying development?
14:34Well, it's not unworrying.
14:35Right.
14:36So, it may be that the Milton Shulmans and Mary Whitehouses of this world aren't as incredibly stupid
14:40as they appear at first, second and thirty-fourth glance.
14:43Um, are we unwittingly helping to make Britain a more violent place?
14:48Well, it's beginning to look horribly like it, yes.
14:50Right.
14:50Oh, yes.
14:50Well, let's stop now and let's see if we can't reverse this whole process.
14:55Now, would all those out there who are stupid enough to go out on the streets and hit Hugh,
15:01just because they've seen me do it on television, would they now kindly watch very carefully
15:06as I now smile at Hugh, hand him a five-pound note and say,
15:11There you are, old chap. There's a fiver for you.
15:16Have a really super time.
15:19Oh, look. Here's another one.
15:22And another.
15:23Oh, well.
15:23There you go. Bless you.
15:25Well, thank you very much, if you don't mind me saying so.
15:27Indeed, I certainly don't mind you saying so. In fact, it's quite kind of you. Here's a fiver.
15:33Well, thank you, I'm sure.
15:34Good. Well, I hope now, Hugh, you're going to monitor the public's behaviour very closely.
15:38And if you find people are approaching you now with five-pound notes instead of clenched fists,
15:43you'll come back on the programme and let us know?
15:45I certainly will. Yep.
15:46Thanks so much. There's a fiver.
15:47Oh, thanks.
15:48All right, then.
15:49Just time now to go over to Devizes and to catch up with Chris and that giant sauna.
15:54Chris.
15:55Well, it's a dying art, that's my view.
15:59House prices, I don't know. You practically need to take out a mortgage to buy one nowadays.
16:04Oh, the last decent pencil I bought was Malaysian. Beautiful thing, beautiful thing.
16:09Must be worth quite a bit now, I think.
16:12So, he gets all misty-eyed and he puffs himself up and he says,
16:15I do it for my country. And he stabs himself in the head with a pair of scissors.
16:20Right.
16:21So the Irishman says...
16:23Are you ready for your main courses now?
16:24Uh, yes, thank you.
16:26Excellent.
16:27Um, can I just ask you something?
16:29Certainly, sir.
16:30How do you do it?
16:31Do what, sir?
16:33Well, how can you hear from the other end of the restaurant the exact moment when I get to the
16:37punchline of my jokes?
16:38It's the fourth time you've done it since I came in.
16:41Well, now, that's actually a very good question, sir.
16:43Mm-hmm.
16:44Uh, there's actually a tiny microphone hidden underneath your axle.
16:48And we have a receiver in the kitchen, so it's very simple.
16:50Right. Yes, I'd always wondered. Thank you.
16:52Uh, now, who is having the lamb?
16:54Here we go, madam.
16:55Right. So, the Englishman had said, uh...
17:00I do it for the Queen and jumped out of the window.
17:01Right, yes.
17:03And, and the Scotsman says, I do it for my country.
17:06And, and he...
17:07Stabbed himself in the head with a pair of scissors.
17:09Right.
17:09Exactly.
17:10And so then the Irishman says...
17:13And you're having the chicken, sir.
17:14What?
17:16Chicken lacroix prepared at your table.
17:18Yes, thank you.
17:19Right, right.
17:19So, the Irishman says...
17:22Oh, my God!
17:26What?
17:26Chicken lacroix.
17:29What are you doing?
17:30What am I doing?
17:31Yes.
17:32Well, sir, I have to make sure the knife is properly sharp.
17:36The chicken is, it's still alive.
17:38Huh.
17:39Not for much longer, sir.
17:41I think I'm gonna be sick.
17:43Something wrong with the lamb, madam?
17:44Oh, no.
17:45You're not, you're not gonna kill a live chicken in here.
17:47Well, certainly, sir.
17:48This is chicken lacroix, as you ordered.
17:50Fresh, plump, baby chicken prepared at your table.
17:53Stop, stop, stop.
17:55Don't kill that chicken.
17:57Don't kill it?
17:57No.
17:58Well, do you rather eat it while it's still alive?
18:00No.
18:01Well, then I have to...
18:02No, no, I'm telling you.
18:03Actually, don't kill it.
18:05Well, why not, sir?
18:06Well, you know, it's not worth it.
18:09Think of the letters we'll get.
18:13Letters? Who from?
18:14Well, I don't know.
18:14Mad people.
18:16Mad people?
18:17No, you know that sort of thing.
18:18Why, oh, why, oh, why was my five-year-old grandmother
18:21forced to watch a live chicken be hacked to death
18:25in the name of so-called entertainment?
18:26That kind of thing.
18:28Well, it's no worse than being hacked to death
18:30in the name of so-called lunch.
18:31Well...
18:32I know that.
18:34I beg your pardon?
18:34I think it is worse.
18:35Oh, do you?
18:36Yes, I do.
18:37Well, that's just her point of view.
18:38That's perfectly fair.
18:40All right, well, let's ask the chicken, shall we?
18:42Would you rather die as part of a sketch on national television
18:45or would you rather go straight into a Tesco sandwich
18:47unmourned and unnoticed?
18:48Look, I'm sorry, Hugh.
18:49It's just the way I feel, okay?
18:51What's the matter with you?
18:52We've had a great time.
18:53We showed it at the Blue Peter studio, didn't we?
18:58It sat next to Desmond Lineham in the canteen.
19:02Look, I know we agreed that we should actually kill the chicken on air
19:05but I think I'd be happy now if you didn't.
19:08What's happiness got to do with it?
19:10Look, basically the whole joke of this is supposed to be
19:12that I can't get out my Irish joke
19:14and if you sort of add this, I mean, really, it's not.
19:17I think we've gone off it.
19:18Well, all right.
19:19Yeah, okay.
19:20If everyone's just going to go squeamish at the last minute.
19:22Yes, all right.
19:22Well, we'll call it off then.
19:23Yes, fine.
19:24Excuse me.
19:25All right.
19:26So I'll just have a green salad, please, waiter.
19:28A green salad, yes.
19:29Coming right up.
19:31Excellent.
19:32Now, where was I?
19:33Yes, the Englishman said,
19:34I do it for my queen and jumped out the window
19:38and the Scotsman said,
19:40I do it for my country
19:41and stabbed himself in the head with a pair of scissors
19:43and the Irishman says,
19:46Well, now what are you doing?
19:48Never heard a lettuce scream before?
19:51What's frightening, isn't it?
19:53Never occurred to you that a lettuce might have dreams,
19:55hopes, ambitions, a family?
19:57Look, bugger the lettuce.
19:58Will you let me finish my joke?
20:00Oh, I'm sorry.
20:02Right.
20:02So, the Irishman says...
20:05I wouldn't sack it.
20:10Except in non-member states
20:13where you're obliged to eat your own.
20:20All right, Mr. Simnock?
20:22Eh?
20:23I say, you all right, Mr. Simnock?
20:26Smimble cocoa.
20:27Yes.
20:28Your cocoa's coming in a minute.
20:31Eh?
20:31I say, your cocoa is coming in a minute.
20:35I draw the curtains, shall I?
20:37Be cosier then.
20:38You'll be more cosy.
20:39I draw the curtains.
20:41It would cosy, that.
20:42Yes.
20:44Coco.
20:45Yes, your cocoa is coming in a minute.
20:47All right?
20:48Curtains.
20:49Yes, I draw them for you.
20:51There we are.
20:52That's a bit cosier, isn't it?
20:54Oh.
20:55Nights are getting chillier all the time, aren't they?
20:57Only seems like yesterday it was Christmas.
20:59I don't know.
21:00Oh, look.
21:01You've dropped your magazines, look.
21:02I'll pick them up for you.
21:04Didn't like them.
21:05Rubbish they were.
21:06Well, see what they are.
21:07There we are, look.
21:09Oh.
21:10Oh, no!
21:11There was no call to go doing that, was there, Mr. Simnock?
21:14Where's my cocoa?
21:16Your cocoa's coming in a minute.
21:18I'm not so sure you deserve it now, though.
21:21Acting off like I shouldn't wonder.
21:24I'll tuck you in, look.
21:27Ninety-two years old.
21:29That's right.
21:30Ninety-three come November.
21:32Ninety-two years old, and I've never had oral sex.
21:39Well, I should think not indeed.
21:43Oral sex, the idea.
21:46Never ridden a camel.
21:48You're just babbling now, Mr. Simnock.
21:50Never watched a woman urinate.
21:53I shall get very cross with you in a minute.
21:56I shall, really.
21:57Never kill the man.
21:59Well, there's a certain man I shall be killing if he's not very careful.
22:02Never been inside an opera house.
22:04Never eaten a hamburger.
22:06You're a stupid, silly old man, and I won't have any more nonsense.
22:09I'm fed up, me.
22:10I've never done anything.
22:11Well, you're a bit chilly, I shouldn't wonder.
22:13Your cocoa will be along in a minute.
22:15I don't want any stupid cocoa.
22:18Well, there's no call to be getting contrary, now, is there?
22:21You love your cocoa.
22:22You know you do.
22:22I hate cocoa.
22:23Get a skin on it.
22:25Not if you keep stirring it.
22:26If we want to keck that makes we want to cut up.
22:31I want to drink milk from the breasts of a Burmese maiden.
22:37I don't know what's got into you today, Mr. Simnock.
22:40I don't really.
22:41I think we're going to have to give you some extra vitamin E.
22:45Burmese maidens in Todmorden.
22:49You've got bad breath, you have.
22:52Well, there's no call to be getting personal, I hope.
22:55Like rotting cabbages.
22:57I'm very angry with you today, Mr. Simnock.
23:00You're a great Nancy.
23:02I'm not a great Nancy, Mr. Simnock, and you're wicked to say so.
23:05You're a great Marianne Bumbine Nance.
23:08I bet you've never even done it.
23:09I'm not going to take any more of this from you, Mr. Simnock.
23:11I'm not really.
23:12You shouldn't be in a place like this at your time of life.
23:14Well, someone's got to do it.
23:16Dedication.
23:17The way I bother, I do not know.
23:19You should be out there having oral sex.
23:23Killing people and watching women urinate in opera houses.
23:28Eating hamburgers in opera houses
23:29and drinking milk from the breasts of Nepalese maidens.
23:33It was Burmese last time.
23:35Nepalese, I've changed my mind.
23:38Instead, you're stuck here taking rude talk from an old man.
23:40You're a great bog breathed Nancy.
23:44You've really upset me today, Mr. Simnock.
23:46You have really.
23:47Now, I'm going out to hurry along your cocoa.
23:49When I get back, I don't want any more nonsense.
23:52Honestly.
23:53You're the screaming great Bertie in your pong.
23:5992 years old and I've never watched a woman urinate.
24:03Tragic waste, that.
24:05Now, here you are, Mr. Simnock.
24:08I managed to intercept Mrs. Gideon in the hall with the tray.
24:11So don't say you're not a lucky man to get your cocoa before the others.
24:15Hooray.
24:15Yes, that's better, isn't it?
24:17Coco.
24:17That's right, but a certain naughty boy said a few naughty things, didn't he?
24:21Oh, I'm sorry, Brian. Right sorry.
24:24Well, I'm not so sure you should have it now.
24:25As soon as you see your cocoa, you mend your manners, don't you?
24:27Oh, please, Brian.
24:29All right, there you are.
24:32That's better, isn't it?
24:34Oh, it's a lovely drop of cocoa, that.
24:36That's Berent's.
24:37That's the best.
24:38No.
24:39Good old Berent's cocoa.
24:41Always there.
24:43Original or new Berent's specially prepared for the mature citizens in your life.
24:48With nature's added store of powerful barbiturates and heroin.
24:54The shorter one's got a different accent, but they both smell of Noel Edmonds to me.
24:59In line with inflation.
25:01The rate of tax on beer will be increased by two pence in the pint.
25:06Cigarettes by four pence in the pint, which is an advance of the rate of inflation,
25:11in line with the government's current thinking on smoking and health.
25:15Petrol and diesel and Dove fuels will be increased by three pence in the litre.
25:21I am one of the people!
25:26I'm sorry?
25:27You bleed the people so that you may stuff your own fat pockets.
25:33Um, yes.
25:36The vehicle licence tax will be increased from 100 pounds, its present rate, to 120 pounds.
25:44Yes.
25:44It's so that your own bathroom may be lined with venison and fine delicacies.
25:51Captured in foreign wars fought by the poor people.
25:55Be quiet.
25:57I'll not be quiet.
25:58The poor of England have been quiet too long.
26:01While I have breath in my body and blood in my veins, I'll fight for the poor people of England.
26:07Bold words indeed.
26:09Aye, bold but true.
26:11And what is your name, sir, that you must shroud yourself under a lightweight travelling hat?
26:17My name, sir, and I bid you mark it well, is Tony of Plymouth.
26:25Tony of Plymouth?
26:27None other.
26:28By God then, Tony of Plymouth, this time you have stumbled into the lion's den.
26:33Guards!
26:34Seize him!
26:36I fear, sir, that the guards will never save you from the people.
26:42What a man, you swipy, curbed dog, mongrel fish!
26:49I'll see you swing from the nearest gibbet for this.
26:52Is that so?
26:53Aye, that is so.
26:54Then have a care, sir, that the rope does not fasten itself around your own soft throat.
27:00One thing, sir, that the blade of a tyrant is durold and fat like a Zelda.
27:41Now the worm has blown
27:43More, more
27:45This worm only means tested
27:48By a bully
27:49Who's tested?
28:15Suck it
28:15Alternatively, of course, you could just write to your MP
28:17APPLAUSE
28:20Thank you
28:24Thank you
28:25Thank you
28:25Thank you
28:25Thank you