- 6 days ago
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00:03Hello, how to do?
00:32My wife wears the trousers, no question, no question.
00:35But we're hoping to get a second pair sometime later.
00:38My ideal woman, erm...
00:43Really, a TR4.
00:46Lavatories. Love them or loathe them, they're here to stay.
00:51We use them, we lavish our affection on them,
00:54we clean them, polish them.
00:55Some of us spend up to half our lives in them.
00:58We read specialist lavatory magazines spend money on the latest models
01:03with air-conditioning stereos and two-speed wipers.
01:06Some of us even race them.
01:09No, no, no, no, no.
01:10What?
01:11Cars.
01:12You mean cars, not lavatories?
01:16Oh yes!
01:18Sorry.
01:20Cars.
01:21How much do we know about them?
01:23We sit in them once a day and trust them
01:25to carry our effluent away safely, cleanly, efficiently.
01:29Whether they're porcelain, plastic or fibreglass, lever or button flush, we...
01:34No, no, no, no, no.
01:35No, no, no.
01:36No, no.
01:36Lavatories.
01:37You mean lavatories?
01:39Oh yes.
01:43The beginnings of the modern lavatory were humble enough.
01:46In 1793, Johannes Krell of Leipzig constructed the first simple metal cabinet using inert gases
01:54condensing to chill the cabinet to three degrees centigrade.
01:57The first dew bin or salad crisper started to appear in the...
02:02No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
02:04Fridges.
02:05Huh?
02:05You mean fridges now?
02:06You're talking about fridges.
02:12Fridges.
02:13Like them or loathe them, you can't ignore them.
02:16Everyone's talking about fridges.
02:18Whether you're buying or selling a property, sooner or later, you'll come in contact with a fridge.
02:23Their commission is an important part of your house buying...
02:26No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
02:30Estate agents.
02:31You're talking about estate agents.
02:38Estate agents.
02:39You can't live with them.
02:40You can't live with them.
02:45With their jangling keys, nasty suits, revolting beards, moustaches and tinted spectacles,
02:51estate agents roam the land causing perturbation and despair.
02:56If you try and kill them, you're put in prison.
02:59If you try and talk to them, you vomit.
03:03There's only one thing worse than an estate agent, but that at least can be safely lanced, drained and surgically
03:09dressed.
03:11Estate agents.
03:12Love them or loathe them, you'd be mad not to loathe them.
03:16Is that all right?
03:17It's fine.
03:17What?
03:20Simon Flitteris, you saw that sketch. I assume you were disappointed.
03:24Yes, I thought it was predictable, really.
03:25You predicted it, did you?
03:26Yes, I predicted it.
03:29I thought the choice of targets was predictable.
03:32Estate agents.
03:33Where?
03:34The target at that last sketch was estate agents.
03:36Was it?
03:36I didn't really notice.
03:38I thought the choice of language was also predictable.
03:41Yes, I think English was a sadly predictable language.
03:44Which is a shame.
03:45It is a shame, especially if you don't speak it.
03:47A bigger shame if you do.
03:51Well, I suppose one could have predicted it.
03:52I suppose so. Can you predict what the next sketch will be?
03:54Oh, a parody of Traitor Island bound to be.
03:57So, Miss Talliet, you are seriously asking the court to believe that on the 14th of November last year, the
04:05very night, I would remind the court, on which the crime that my client is accused of committing took place,
04:11you just happened to be walking in the park.
04:14That is correct.
04:15That is what?
04:16Correct.
04:17Oh, it is correct.
04:18Is it?
04:19I see.
04:20I wonder, Miss Talliet, whether you were aware that the American novelist Gertrude Stein was a self-confessed lesbian.
04:31Well, I believe so.
04:32You believe so?
04:34Miss Talliet, Gertrude Stein remains one of the most celebrated novelists of the 20th century.
04:40Her lesbotic tendencies are a matter of public record.
04:44Yes.
04:45Yes.
04:46But you only believe that she is a lesbian.
04:52I've never really thought about it.
04:54No.
04:54I've never read any of her works.
04:56Come, come, Miss Talliet.
04:58There is not two streets away from your flat.
05:02A bookshop where the works of Gertrude Stein are openly on display.
05:08Oh.
05:08Yes.
05:09Oh.
05:11And you are asking this jury to believe that on the numerous occasions upon which you must, during the course
05:16of your duties as a woman, have passed this shop, while shopping, for example,
05:20you have never entered its premises and bought a single volume by this openly lesbicious writer.
05:29Mr. Foley, I'm afraid I really fail to see where this line of questioning is leading us.
05:34Well, with your lordship's permission, I am trying to establish that this witness has been guilty of weaving a transparent
05:41tissue of farragos, a catalogue of litanies, and that far from being the respectable president of a children's charity and
05:49ambassador's daughter that my learned friend the counsel for the prosecution would have us believe, she is, in fact, an
05:55active, promiscuous, and voracious woman.
06:00I see, we'll carry on, but Mr. Foley, I must warn you that if you attempt to bally rag or
06:05bulldoze this witness, I shall take a very dim view of it.
06:07Your lordship is most pretty.
06:09Very well, then you may be seated.
06:12Are you aware, Miss Taliot?
06:14It's Mrs. actually.
06:16Oh.
06:17Oh, I do beg your pardon.
06:20Oh, well, if you wish to make such a meal of it, I, for one, shall certainly not stand in
06:24your way, Mrs. Taliot, if that is how you prefer to be known.
06:27Well, it's how my husband prefers me to be known.
06:30Ah, yes, your husband.
06:33Your husband, the well-known bishop.
06:35Yes.
06:35Yes, a bishop in the religion, the Church of England, I believe it calls itself, which owns land, much land.
06:42Land on which houses have been built.
06:44Houses in which it is statistically probable that private acts of lesboid love have been committed.
06:51Ah, Mr. Foley, I feel that once again I must rein you in.
06:56I myself am a member of this self-same church, are we to imply from the tenor of your thrusts
07:01that I am a lesbian?
07:03Oh, your lordship misunderstands me.
07:04Well, I hope so. I hope the day is very far distant, on which I could ever be accused of
07:08making love to a woman.
07:12I absolutely adore your lordship.
07:15Attraction to women, however repellent as it may be to persons of sensibility, is not in itself a crime.
07:21No, I long to nestle between your lordship's thighs.
07:24We must therefore remember, Mr. Foley, in our enthusiasm to get to this bottom, that Miss Talliet is not on
07:31trial.
07:31While she is a witness, however depraved and wicked her acts of lust, they, in all their disgusting and depraved
07:39bestiality, are not in themselves the subject of this assise.
07:43Your lordship is adorable, my love.
07:47Very well. Proceed.
07:48Thank you, my love.
07:49Now, I do not propose, Miss Talliet, to burden the jury with any more details of your sordid and disreputable
07:56erotic career than is necessary.
07:57I merely wish to know, for my own private elucidation, how it is that you expect a British jury to
08:04believe the testimony of a monstrous bull dyke of your standing against that of a respectable businessman.
08:10I am merely reporting what I saw.
08:12What you saw? What you saw through eyes dimmed with lust? What you saw maddened by the noxious juices of
08:20your notorious practices?
08:21What I saw on my way back from the parish council meeting?
08:25Is it not a fact, Miss Talliet, that the words parish council are an infamous anagram of the words lesbian
08:34crouch?
08:36You hesitate, Miss Talliet.
08:37Well, I would...
08:38You stand condemned out of your own soiled and contaminated mouth.
08:41I...
08:41No further questions, Miss Talliet.
08:43No!
08:43No further questions. Thank you, Mrs Talliet.
08:47You may stand down, Mr Lesbian.
08:52Oh.
08:54Will you be in for tea tonight, Jeremy?
08:56Certainly, Mother.
08:57Call Sir Anthony Noon-Bender, Mother.
09:01Simon Flitterous, you saw that sketch. What did you think was going on there?
09:05Well, you know, again, I think it was very trite, rather predictable.
09:09I don't know what the word is you'd use to describe it, really.
09:11Squib?
09:11Sort of, yes.
09:12Cod, spook, guying, take-off, pastiche, parody.
09:16Yeah.
09:16What did you think of the two central performances?
09:18I'd have welcomed them.
09:22I like the clever and original use of words.
09:24Not at all.
09:25Your clever and original use of words have recently been gathered in a book form, I understand.
09:28That's right.
09:29Yes, well received?
09:30Well, you know what critics are. I mean, what do they know about the work we do?
09:33Oh, quite so. Quietly so. Quietly so, Inington.
09:35Now, to return to this spoof, cod, squib, pastiche parody, guying of conventions,
09:41my main worry was that it didn't tell us anything about the relationship between the two main characters.
09:44I think that's very neatly put, indeed.
09:47I mean, where were the truths about relationships in England today, this afternoon, here, now, today, this evening, now?
09:52You couldn't see them from where I was lying?
09:53No, I hated it.
09:54So, two out of ten for trying, then.
09:56That's right.
09:57It just wasn't your cup of tea?
09:58No, no, that's my cup of tea.
10:00My cup of minus.
10:01Oh.
10:03It was mine.
10:05We used to, er, come round, er, on the first January of every month, and then just pass out again,
10:12straight away.
10:14Rumbelos of the Bailey.
10:15Trigonometry.
10:16That was my favourite.
10:17Especially the blonde one.
10:18No, actually, I shouldn't be wearing these, because these are my eating glasses.
10:23Sorry I'm late, sorry.
10:25Er, I've kept you waiting. Er, that's rude of me, sorry.
10:27Okay.
10:28Right, now let's get cracking.
10:30Er, who's had a chance to look at Romeo and Juliet since last week?
10:36No.
10:36Er, well, I know, you know, you've all been busy.
10:38It's difficult to make time.
10:39But, er, anybody at all?
10:41No.
10:41Okay, good.
10:42Right, so you're, you're all coming to it fresh.
10:44That's probably better, in fact.
10:45In fact, well done.
10:46Good.
10:47Er, right, now, er, first of all, this is Mr Lewis.
10:50He's just popped in to see how we're all getting on.
10:52Er, just ignore him.
10:53Er, well, don't ignore him.
10:54But, er, you know.
10:55Er, well, here's an instructor.
10:57I wonder, who can tell me what ignore means?
10:59Anyone tell me what ignore means?
11:03Nobody.
11:04Right.
11:04Okay.
11:05Er, ignore means, erm, er, not to pay too much attention to something.
11:10Not to be all, all that.
11:11Tony, wake up.
11:12Ah, thanks.
11:13Er, not to be all that bothered by something.
11:15Er, if you like, Tony was ignoring me just then.
11:17Okay, so, so that's ignore.
11:20Well, who'd like me to write it down?
11:21Should we write it down?
11:21Hands up.
11:22Who'd like me to write it down?
11:23Ignore.
11:25No one.
11:25Okay, so we're happy with ignore.
11:27Good.
11:27All right, then.
11:28Oh.
11:30Yeah.
11:31Er, Rosie.
11:32It's, er, it's B-A-S-T-A-R-D.
11:35Yeah?
11:36Otherwise, good.
11:37Er.
11:39Right.
11:40Now, Romeo and Juliet.
11:41Er, what do you think?
11:42Should, should we talk about it first and then read it?
11:43Or, or, or, I mean, hands up.
11:45Who'd like to talk about it first?
11:47No one.
11:48Okay, well, I agree.
11:49Let's, let's just get straight in and read it for heaven's sake.
11:51Er, I always like to get him involved as soon as possible.
11:53Okay, so.
11:54Romeo and Juliet.
11:55Er, do we have a Juliet?
11:56Who'd like to read Juliet?
11:57Anybody?
11:58Anybody like to?
11:59What about a Romeo?
12:00Oh, we've got to have a Romeo, yeah?
12:01A couple of Romeos.
12:02Maybe what?
12:03One, one Romeo, eh?
12:04Er.
12:05No.
12:05Okay, fine.
12:06I'll, I'll, I'll read them both because then you can get a chance to.
12:10Well.
12:11This is Juliet speaking, right?
12:12Er.
12:13Er.
12:13Er, will thou be gone?
12:14It's not yet, yet near day.
12:16Er.
12:16It was the Nightingale.
12:17Not the lark.
12:18Er, er, that pierced the, the fearful hollow of thine ear.
12:22Er.
12:23Likely she sings on yond pomegranate tree.
12:26Believe me, love, it was the Nightingale.
12:28Er, this is Romeo now.
12:30Er.
12:30Er.
12:30It was the lark, the herald of the morn.
12:32No Nightingale.
12:33Look, love, what envious streets do lace the severing clouds in yonder east.
12:38Okay.
12:39Now.
12:39Phew.
12:40Er.
12:40Right.
12:42Having heard that, from what you've just heard, what relevance do you think Romeo and
12:47Juliet has to today's Britain?
12:49Who, who thinks it's got any, any, any relevance at all?
12:53No one.
12:54Okay.
12:54Right.
12:55So, so we think it's irrelevant, do we?
12:58Ah.
12:59Ah, interesting.
13:00Right.
13:01So nobody, we don't think it's relevant.
13:03We don't think it's irrelevant either, yeah?
13:06It's sort of, it's sort of in between, yeah?
13:07It's any kind of a grey area.
13:09Now.
13:09It's interesting.
13:10Good.
13:10Well done.
13:11Erm.
13:12Why do you think, why do you think Shakespeare wrote something that was in a grey area?
13:15What did he mean by it?
13:16Did he mean anything by it?
13:18Maybe he's just, just being stupid?
13:20Erm.
13:20Who thinks that?
13:21Hands up those people who think Shakespeare was being stupid.
13:24No.
13:25Sorry.
13:25All right.
13:25No, that was stupid.
13:26No.
13:26I was being stupid.
13:27So we don't think Shakespeare was stupid.
13:29But he was writing in a grey area.
13:30Why?
13:32All right.
13:33While you all think about that one, I'm just going to come up with an opinion.
13:35It is just an opinion so you can all shout me down as usual.
13:39Erm.
13:40And that is that Romeo and Juliet is about love.
13:43Er.
13:43We have love.
13:44We do love in today's Britain.
13:46So Romeo and Juliet therefore isn't, wasn't irrelevant.
13:53What do you think about that?
13:55Anybody agree with that?
13:57Right.
13:58No.
13:58So nobody agrees with it.
13:59But did anyone find it helpful at all?
14:03Nobody.
14:04Right.
14:04No, you're right.
14:05Yeah.
14:06I was being unhelpful there.
14:07That's stupid of me.
14:08I shouldn't.
14:11I've just got, I've just clouded the whole issue now.
14:13I'm sorry.
14:13I'm sorry.
14:14I'm just holding you back.
14:15Erm.
14:17Well, who'd like me to stay?
14:19I mean, hands up those people who'd like me to stay.
14:21Would you like me to...
14:25No one.
14:26Right.
14:26I, I, I, no, I agree.
14:27I agree.
14:27You're right.
14:29I'm sorry.
14:32You know, until you've been there, you, you, you haven't got any idea what it's like,
14:35I should think.
14:36I don't know.
14:37Oh.
14:39Jack Lemmon and Walter Mitty.
14:40I like them.
14:42Oh, I can remember exactly what I was doing when I heard the news.
14:45I was listening to the news.
14:47Well, I mean, you've been through enough, haven't you?
14:49I know.
14:50Well, that's right.
14:51Mind you, my life hasn't been easy either.
14:53No.
14:53Not easy, no.
14:54No.
14:55I hate it when things go wrong, don't you?
14:57Oh, I hate it.
14:58I know.
14:58I hate it.
14:59Mind you, of course, sometimes things go right, don't they?
15:02And I like that.
15:02I like that.
15:03Yes.
15:04It's better than when things go wrong.
15:06Well, I mean, of course it is.
15:07Of course it is.
15:07Yeah, still.
15:08I know.
15:09Well, I mean, you can't give up.
15:11No.
15:11You can't eat money, I always say.
15:15I say that.
15:16I always say that.
15:18I know.
15:18Me too.
15:19Still.
15:20Well, I mean, I know.
15:21That's it.
15:21Well, I mean, for goodness sake, of course it is.
15:23Well, I mean, it's absolutely bound and certain to be.
15:25That's it.
15:26I know.
15:26Well, as if it could be anything else other than it.
15:28That's it.
15:29That's completely and dreadfully the whole point.
15:32You're right.
15:33I know.
15:34So right.
15:35Oh, God, I know.
15:37I know.
15:38I know.
15:38Oh.
15:39Oh, well, of course you do.
15:40I mean, of course you know.
15:41Oh, well, that's right, isn't it?
15:43Well, of course it is.
15:43Of course it is.
15:44Yes, yes.
15:45Oh, yes, that's it.
15:46Oh, yes, still.
15:47Hey, mind you.
15:48Well, I mean, anyway.
15:49Well, of course you mean anyway.
15:50I mean, what?
15:51I mean, of course you do.
15:52Well, there you go, you see.
15:53Well, of course I go there.
15:54Where else would I go?
15:55Well, that's it.
15:56I mean, where else?
15:57Well, I mean, where?
15:58I mean, shut up.
15:59That's it.
15:59I mean, sod right off for God's sake.
16:02Sure it is.
16:03Go and slice little bits off yourself and eat them.
16:06Of course you're right.
16:07That's it.
16:07Just quite simply shut up and never speak again.
16:10Of course I am.
16:12That's it, you see.
16:12I know.
16:13I know.
16:13Well, that's it.
16:14Oh, please, please be quiet.
16:16Oh, drink sick.
16:18You are so, so right.
16:20Ah, I'm right.
16:22You are so, so, so right.
16:24I know.
16:25God, I hate you.
16:26You're so right.
16:27Well, I mean, of course you do.
16:28Of course you hate me.
16:29You make me wretch.
16:30I know I do.
16:32Well, that's it.
16:32You see, the sight of you makes my skin fall off.
16:35Yes.
16:36That's it.
16:36You've got it.
16:37God, I want to kill you.
16:38I know.
16:39I know.
16:40Still, still.
16:41Eh?
16:41I mean, eh?
16:42Anyway.
16:42I know.
16:43Well, there you are, you see.
16:44Well, that's it.
16:45I know.
16:46Eh?
16:47Well, Mr Everard, thanks for agreeing to be with us today.
16:50Pleasant journey down, I hope?
16:51Uh, not pleasant, exactly.
16:53No.
16:54No.
16:54Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
16:56Sorry.
16:56Sorry.
16:57I just want to say that this sketch that we're doing now is my absolute favourite one of all
17:01time.
17:03I just love this one.
17:04Watch what Stephen does in this because it's fantastic.
17:07He is brilliant.
17:08Sorry.
17:08Anyway, sorry.
17:09Carry on.
17:11Um, so not a pleasant journey down?
17:14Uh, no.
17:15No.
17:16Um, not pleasant at all.
17:17Now, no, just watch the way he does this next bit because it's brilliant.
17:22It's just brilliant.
17:23Oh, God, it's fantastic.
17:26Oh, dear.
17:32Oh, dear.
17:33Oh, dear.
17:35Well, I can't do it as well as you can do, but it's just fantastic.
17:38Oh, dear.
17:39I just love it.
17:40Brilliant.
17:41Oh, sorry.
17:44So, was it the weather or the traffic or something?
17:46Uh, no.
17:49No.
17:50No.
17:50No.
17:50No.
17:51Now, now.
17:51Ah, this.
17:51This.
17:52Yes.
17:53This.
17:54This next line is my favourite line of the whole thing.
17:56This is brilliant.
17:57Just watch the way he does this.
17:58This is fantastic.
17:59Just coming up.
17:59Oh.
18:00Ah.
18:00Uh, no.
18:02No.
18:02I was murdered at a petrol station on the A1.
18:05Now, listen.
18:06Listen.
18:06Listen to this one.
18:07Listen to this one.
18:10I beg your pardon?
18:14So, it's the next one.
18:15It's the next line.
18:16It's not that one.
18:18Um, uh, yes.
18:19Yes.
18:19I was murdered.
18:21Murdered?
18:21Who by?
18:23No.
18:23No, it's not that one either.
18:24Um, it's coming up.
18:26It's coming up.
18:26Honestly.
18:26Uh, yes.
18:27Uh, I, yes.
18:28I was stabbed through the heart by a civil servant.
18:32Stabbed through?
18:32Killed me stone dead.
18:34Then what are you doing?
18:35This is it.
18:35This is the one.
18:36This is it.
18:36This is it.
18:37This is it.
18:40Then what are you doing sitting here in my office?
18:48Oh, dear.
18:50Oh, dear.
18:54That is...
18:55Oh, dear.
18:56Oh, dear.
18:56Oh, dear.
18:56Oh, dear.
18:59Actually, he didn't do it very well that time.
19:01He has done it better than that, honestly, but it's great, isn't it? Fantastic.
19:08Not in limp thoughts.
19:10None whatsoever.
19:11I thought not. Care to make some up for me?
19:13Well, this chair is soft, certainly.
19:15Very soft.
19:16No, no, it falls short of being very soft, but of course, if we look underneath, we find...
19:21The floor?
19:21The floor, precisely.
19:22Does the floor work for you?
19:24No, it doesn't work.
19:25It doesn't work. The floor doesn't work for me, no, no.
19:29Is it a fatal flaw, would you say?
19:30Well, precisely.
19:31The reason the floor doesn't work is because it's all on one level.
19:36And of course, it also falls into the trap of being essentially self-referential.
19:41And by self-referential, you mean...
19:42I mean to make myself sound like an interesting and impressive person.
19:47That ties in rather neatly.
19:48Well, exactly. You see, I was wondering, is there a sense in which you are not completely squalid and pointless?
19:55I don't think there's a sense, no. No, I've built hard for one, but at the end of it, I've
19:59come up senseless.
20:00Yes, and I was wondering, by the same token, is there a critical standpoint yet devised by which you are
20:05any distance at all from being hideously repellent?
20:09None whatsoever.
20:10None whatsoever.
20:11No, you see, that's interesting.
20:13Oh, dear. Wasn't meant to be.
20:14Oh, well, then.
20:15After all, we can't all be critics, can we?
20:20My wife and I were thinking of going to Ireland personally to see what all the fuss is about.
20:24We couldn't face having all the injections.
20:29Did you actually know Richard Burton?
20:31Oh, yes, yes, I knew him, yes.
20:34Well, in as much as anyone ever really knew Burton.
20:38Yes, I was very fond of the Burt.
20:41Amazing character, amazing character.
20:44Now, Elizabeth Taylor, of course.
20:46Well, now, Liz, you see, was a joy, a dream, a treasure.
20:50You could have seen them together.
20:52Did you ever...
20:53Oh, good Lord, yes.
20:54Yes.
20:55As a matter of fact, I was best man at their wedding.
20:58Really?
20:59Which one?
21:00All of them.
21:03Now, Gielgud and Richardson were...
21:05Yes, they never married, of course.
21:06No.
21:07Did you know them?
21:08Oh, good Lord, yes, yes, I knew.
21:10Oh, amazing characters, yes.
21:11The Gil and the Rich.
21:13They used to ask me for advice constantly.
21:16They used to call me their guru.
21:20Now, around this time, you must have met...
21:22Well, just about everyone, really.
21:23Really?
21:24Yes, I knew everyone, and everyone knew me.
21:27You knew everyone?
21:28I knew absolutely everyone, yes.
21:29And everyone knew you...
21:30Absolutely everyone knew me, yes, yes.
21:33Right.
21:34What did you think of Simon Condi-Wust?
21:38Simon?
21:39Condi-Wust.
21:40Didn't you know him?
21:41Oh, yes, yes, I knew him.
21:43Oh, yes, yes.
21:44Well, everyone knew the Condi.
21:47Yes, he was an amazing character.
21:49Amazing.
21:50Mm-hmm.
21:50What about Maureen Limp-Wippy-Pippy-Dodo?
21:54Well, now, yes, she was a fascinating woman.
21:57Fascinating?
21:58I was fascinated by Maureen for war many, many years.
22:00Mm-hmm.
22:01Was she an amazing character?
22:03Well, no, she was a woman.
22:05The men were amazing characters.
22:06The women were fascinating.
22:09Colin Finch-Moseley think I have?
22:12Oh, oh, Lord, yes.
22:13What a character.
22:14Yes.
22:15Well, the Finch?
22:15Yes, yes.
22:16He went terribly well.
22:18Terribly well.
22:18Yeah.
22:19What did you think of Fenella?
22:20Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha?
22:23Fascinating woman.
22:24Fascinating.
22:25Yeah.
22:25Mm-hmm.
22:25And what about Peter?
22:27Whee!
22:29Oh, yes.
22:30Why do you see?
22:30Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
22:32They broke the mold after they made Peter.
22:35And Evelyn broke the mold after they made Peter?
22:39Delightful woman.
22:41And you were a delightful woman?
22:43Oh, splendid chap.
22:45Dick Van Dyke?
22:48Who just made that up?
22:51Rupert Jeremy James, I baptise thee in the name of the Father...
22:55No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
22:55Hold on, hold on.
22:56What's the problem?
22:57No, you're absolutely right.
22:58Nicholas is better.
22:59Yeah.
23:00Nicholas Thomas Jeffrey.
23:01Nicholas Thomas Jeffrey?
23:02Oh, darling, you can't have Nicholas Thomas.
23:04That's a very ugly rhyme.
23:05Yeah, you're right.
23:06What was that other one we liked?
23:08Timothy Nicholas Peter.
23:09Nicholas Timothy Peter.
23:11Nicholas Timothy Peter.
23:12Yeah.
23:12Right.
23:13Nicholas Timothy Peter, I bapt...
23:14It's a shame to lose the Jeremy, though.
23:16I still like Duncan.
23:18Jeremy Nicholas Duncan or Duncan Nicholas Jeremy?
23:20Um, I have got a wedding in ten minutes.
23:22You're being paid, aren't you?
23:24No.
23:25Uh, now, Nick's idea was peregrine.
23:28Oh, darling, can't call the baby peregrine.
23:31Peregrine Jeremy Nicholas?
23:32I know it sounds silly, but I've always loved Dick.
23:38Um...
23:38Now, Dirk's due for a revival.
23:40Duncan Dirk Dick.
23:41It's rather fetching.
23:42Duncan Dirk Dick, I baptise thee in the name of the Father, the Son...
23:46Hold on, it's not right.
23:46It's because there are too many deezes, aren't you?
23:47...to receive this child into the congregation of Christ...
23:49What about Tweeble?
23:50Oh, darling, you can't call it, baby.
23:51Well, it's our nickname for the little virus, and why not?
23:54What about Tweeble Timothy James?
23:56Perfect.
23:56Yes.
23:56Tweeble Timothy James.
24:01I'm sorry, it's Duncan Dirk Dick.
24:03I've just done it.
24:04We'll undo it.
24:06Undo it?
24:07This is a holy sacrament of the church, not a bleeding hotel reservation.
24:12We'll just undo it.
24:14You're beginning to annoy me, buster.
24:16Look at this.
24:17What does this say?
24:18Hmm?
24:18Christening service.
24:19Yeah, service, notice.
24:20Doesn't say rudeness.
24:21Doesn't say christening rudeness.
24:23I wasn't being rude.
24:24Just bear in mind that there are plenty of other religions, you know.
24:27Some of them, I may say, offering much greater range and value.
24:30Much better than you can't look at this.
24:32So, come on, hand him over.
24:33Hand him over?
24:34Yes, we'll have a look at the mosque on Arlington Road, if it's all the same with you.
24:36Come on.
24:37I haven't finished the service yet.
24:39Oh, the rudeness, you mean.
24:39What, you should have thought of that before.
24:41You can't just walk out in the middle of a service.
24:43I mean, think of the child.
24:44Oh, screw the child.
24:46Don't you heard the news?
24:47There's a revolution going on.
24:49Enterprise Initiative.
24:50Those who can't trim the fat go to the wall.
24:53What wall?
24:54You just don't know what I'm talking about, do you?
24:55I'm talking about the way you're running this whole operation.
24:58I mean, take this building.
24:59Look at it.
24:59All this equity tied up for what?
25:01A couple of weddings a week?
25:02It's pathetic.
25:03It's pathetic to you, but I can assure you.
25:05You don't know what I can do with a place like this.
25:06I mean, what do you think, darling?
25:07We could have some luxury flats up the top there.
25:09We could have a shopping arcade along the back, a fountain in the middle.
25:13But we'd have a brasserie here in no time.
25:15It's really just a criminal waste.
25:16Look, matey, this is a chance.
25:20It's not a dealing room.
25:21I'm not interested in your creepy theories about enterprise and initiative.
25:25This place is founded on ideas a little bit more permanent than the Dow Jones Index.
25:29Oh, yeah?
25:30Yeah, something a tad classier than buy long, sell short and get into guilt.
25:34Oh, really?
25:35Yes, really.
25:36This church is going to be here long after your little brat has grown up, ripped a few
25:40people off, and died unloved in his Spanish retirement villa.
25:44Portuguese, actually.
25:46There's no need to be so beastly.
25:47Well, I'm sorry, but people like you really piss me off.
25:52All right, then, mister.
25:53So what's your pitch?
25:54What's your scam?
25:55What's your angle?
25:55Well, look at you people, eh?
25:57You spend all your days trying to scrape together enough money just so you can end your life
26:01just wobbling your fat bottoms up and down some Iberian beach playing crazy golf.
26:06But what thought have you ever given for making provision for after your retirement?
26:11Hmm?
26:12After my retirement?
26:13I'm talking about heaven.
26:16Heaven?
26:18Isn't that where the Gilroys went, darling?
26:21Heaven.
26:22Oh, Devon.
26:24After a hard life, don't you think you deserve something in the way of long-term security?
26:29Heaven implies comfort, status, lifestyle and peace of mind.
26:33Don't listen to him, Pudding.
26:34No, no, no.
26:35Give me space.
26:36Give me space.
26:36No, no.
26:37She's right, Pudding.
26:38She's right.
26:39Think about it yourself and you should seek out an independent spiritual advisor.
26:46He may have something, you know.
26:48Well, I mean, if you don't do it for yourselves, think of Duncan Dirk Dick here.
26:51Give him a chance to get in on the ground floor.
26:53Look, darling, no disrespect to you, Vicka, but darling, what I'm thinking is this.
26:57What about a mixed portfolio, right?
26:59Whereby we spread him through Judaism, Islam, Hindu and so on,
27:03while maintaining our core investment within the Church of England.
27:06What do you think?
27:06Well, it certainly does sound safer.
27:08Exactly.
27:09Right.
27:10So, Duncan Dirk Dick, I baptise you.
27:12In the case, shouldn't it be something more like Duncan Isaac Sanjay?
27:15No, Duncan Abraham Sanjay, of course.
27:17Duncan Abraham Naresh.
27:19That's perfectly safe.
27:20Right.
27:20Baby.
27:21Prayer book.
27:22Font.
27:22Do it yourselves.
27:23I'm off for a slash.
27:26Feet.
27:26Yeah, they're all right.
27:28You know, if you just want to get from A to B.
27:30Hi.
27:31Or if you prefer hello.
27:32This week, as I'm sure most of you have been aware, has been Swiss week on BBC Two.
27:38We've had a rip-snorting season of Swiss films on show, as well as some very exciting Swiss opera.
27:43I know for a fact that all of you enjoyed Floyd on fondue last night.
27:49David Icke's interview with the Swiss ambassador was never very far from being interesting.
27:55One thing that we feel has been rather lacking from the season has been a celebration of Swiss comedy.
28:01Well, Hugh and I would like to put that right before the week closes and present to you our very
28:07own version of the classic Swiss sketch, Heidi and Johan smell just right.
28:19Guten Tag, Johan.
28:22Du riechst's ganz richtig.
28:25Dankeschön, Heidi.
28:27Und du auch.
28:31Good night.
28:47Du riechst's.
28:49Du riechst's.
28:54Du riechst's.