- 6 days ago
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00:04Thank you very much indeed.
00:06Thanks.
00:07Ta.
00:10Grazie.
00:37I don't know if you know what this is.
00:39I expect most of you recognize it.
00:40It's a brain, a human brain.
00:43But I wonder if you know whose brain it is.
00:46Well, before I tell you, I should let you into a little secret.
00:48I've, for some years now, been earning myself quite a reputation as something of a practical joker.
00:54And what's happened is this, that early this evening I crept into Hugh's dressing room while he was asleep.
01:00And, er, very carefully, er, took out his brain.
01:04Er, making sure not to, not to wake him up.
01:07So this is Hugh's brain.
01:08He's about to come on any minute, so let's see if, er, he notices anything's amiss.
01:12Um, here he comes.
01:19Hello, er, Hugh.
01:21What have you been up to?
01:22Hi.
01:22Oh, I've just been watching that Noel Edmonds on television.
01:25Oh, he's just...
01:29I see.
01:30Oh, dear.
01:30It is brilliant.
01:31That is fantastic.
01:34You're feeling all right, are you Hugh?
01:35Yeah, fine, fine.
01:36Yeah?
01:37Yeah?
01:37Yeah?
01:37And then I saw a bit of an interview with, er, Kenneth Baker.
01:41Oh, that man is fantastic.
01:43Brilliant.
01:44Oh, well, he's, he's just what this country needs.
01:46He's, he's firm, he's courageous, and his views on education, well, I mean, they're just
01:52so enlightened and, er, sophisticated and enthralling.
01:57Well, of course, he's an utterly enthralling man.
01:59Well, of course, we can see what's happened, but I don't think he's got a clue, has he?
02:02Er, Hugh, do you recognise this?
02:03It's a cauliflower.
02:05He's been a great sport, hasn't he, ladies and gentlemen.
02:07What are you off to do now, Hugh?
02:08Er, I'm going to go and write a letter to Points of View.
02:13I think I may have gone too far.
02:18Well, er, not without falling over and, er, hitting someone rather old.
02:24Er, Gerald Kaufman is a member of the Labour Party and Daphne du Maurier lived in Cornwall.
02:29Is that it?
02:30No?
02:33Yep, I, er, I like to eat Greek at least once in a time, Gordon.
02:36It's, er, it's a plain cuisine, simply prepared.
02:40Yeah, I'm not averse myself, Stuart.
02:42No?
02:42Oh, no, I'm substantially partial to a plate of Greek.
02:45Substantially partial.
02:46Oh, well, er, we won't worry about this.
02:47I'll chat to the top overweighter personally.
02:49This is strictly for the, er, walk-in punters.
02:51Right, do you mean?
02:53Ah, listen to that bazooka music, Gordon.
02:59East meets West.
03:00Yeah, love it.
03:01Yeah.
03:02Of course, there's a lot to be learned from you Greeks, you know.
03:04After all, they gave us the word civilisation.
03:08I thought, er, that was the Romans.
03:11Yeah, well, ethnically the same peoples, Gordon.
03:14Also, of course, they gave us the word economics.
03:16Very sharp, folky Greeks.
03:18And, of course, the word gnoimin.
03:22What?
03:22The word gnoimin.
03:24Only I think we gave that one back straight away.
03:27Yeah, yeah.
03:29Oh, yeah, very tough, folky Hellenics.
03:31Tough as the rocks and boulders that shape the islands and hills of their landscape.
03:35You know, I wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't a lesson in there somewhere, Steve.
03:38Oh, certainly there is.
03:39Certainly there is.
03:39I've often thought of putting out a paper on the correlation between landscape and business acumen.
03:44Oh, you could really set fire to some arses with a paper like that.
03:48I hope so, I hope so.
03:49Yeah, with a theory of that kind, I reckon the Institute of Executive Salesmen would just go ape-crazy on
03:53all fours.
03:54It wouldn't surprise me.
03:55I mean, take my own case, for example.
03:58Myself, way back when, my folks originally hailed from Yorkshire.
04:01You see what we've got?
04:02We've got limestone uplands, unforgiving moors and scarred dales.
04:06A beautiful, uncompromising, hard and wide nurse of men.
04:11Yeah, but you were born in Surrey.
04:13Yeah, but the limestone's in my blood, Gordon.
04:15It's in the way I do business.
04:17So, where are you from, first off?
04:19I'm Lincolnshire.
04:20Ah, you see?
04:21Dirty, flat, sodden, yielding, chalky, cautious, always late for meetings.
04:27Well, Lincolnshire's flat, stupid.
04:29I wouldn't say it was always late for meetings.
04:31Yeah, maybe I'll do that.
04:32Maybe I'll put that paper out after all.
04:35Service is a bit slow, isn't it?
04:37Ah, you see, Gordon, that's your typical lowlander's reaction.
04:39That's got Lincolnshire written all over it.
04:41You've got to understand that the Greek does things at his own tempo, you know?
04:44Natural rhythms and cycles deep within them.
04:46The Yorkshireman in me respects that.
04:48Yeah, but we don't want to be late for the basketball game.
04:50Oh, right.
04:51Service here.
04:51Let's get some action at this table.
04:53Good afternoon, my lovely friends.
04:54Okay, Calispera.
04:56Ah, it's lunchtime.
04:57You mean Gallimera?
04:59Yeah, well, obviously in some Daleks, yeah.
05:03Good, good.
05:07So, the dish of the day is octopus.
05:10I know that, Gordon.
05:11I know that.
05:12We're aware.
05:14Now, this octopus, where was it caught?
05:16Where was it caught?
05:17Oh, what a question.
05:18In the sea.
05:20Yeah, right.
05:21So, that should be okay, Gordon, if you want to have that.
05:23I don't know.
05:24So?
05:24I know the paracalot, um, Dalmades, uh, and the filet of suvlaki,
05:29and the Nero, for at least.
05:32And the buccali retzine, paracalot.
05:34Okay, do you know what it is?
05:36What?
05:38What is it you?
05:39Oh, I'll, uh, I'll have the same.
05:41The, um, the paracalot, definitely.
05:44What is it you?
05:45Certainly, gentlemen.
05:48Oh, and we ought to order up some wine while we're out.
05:51I just did that, still.
05:52Did you?
05:53Oh, yeah, of course you did.
05:54Sorry, Gordon.
05:55I was, uh, I was miles away, though.
05:57He's a bit forward, isn't he?
05:58All that, um, my lovely friend stuff.
06:00Ah, what do you see, Gordon?
06:01He's spotted a kindred spirit.
06:03What he's done is he's spotted the craggy Morlander in me,
06:06and, uh, he knows the way clients to be treated with respect,
06:08not your average walk-in, quick turnover merchants.
06:11Ah, Dalmades for my two beautiful English gentlemen.
06:14Great.
06:15Ah, looks good.
06:16Ah, it's very good.
06:17My special friends, eh?
06:19Right.
06:20What is this?
06:21Dolmades?
06:22Stuffed vine leaves.
06:24Stuffed vine leaves?
06:26Is he trying to take us for a ride?
06:28Hmm.
06:29It's a classic Greek dish.
06:30A classic Greek...
06:32Gordon, what am I, a peasant or a busy executive?
06:34Do you like my absolute darling?
06:36Ah, yes, everything's fine.
06:37There you go.
06:38Um, um, my friend doesn't like dolmades.
06:40Ah, but you asked for dolmades.
06:42Yes, he didn't know what they were.
06:43I knew...
06:44Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
06:45No, everything's just fine, thank you.
06:48All right, come on, Gordon, let's get out of here.
06:49This is just a tourist trap.
06:50In Stevenage?
06:52Why not?
06:53This is good, Stuart.
06:54Oh, Jesus, Gordon.
06:56These guys must have seen you coming a mile off.
06:58Don't you want to go like this, then?
07:00Do I want to push a stuffed vine leaf through my face?
07:02No.
07:02Incredibly, I don't.
07:03Well, if you don't mind, I'll have yours.
07:05I'm starving.
07:06Ow!
07:07Oh, that is it.
07:08This...
07:08This wine is corked.
07:10It can't be corked.
07:11It's got a metal top.
07:13Don't get clever.
07:14Just taste it.
07:15Waiter!
07:17Delicious.
07:18Delicious?
07:18It's got something in it.
07:19Yes, my excellent friends.
07:20It's resonated.
07:22Exactly.
07:22Waiter, this wine has...
07:23What was it?
07:24Resonated.
07:24This wine has resonated in the bottle.
07:26Oh, yes, it's Razzina.
07:28It's supposed to be like that, Stu.
07:29They had pine needle resins.
07:31Yeah, thanks for your input, Gordon, but I hope I know my wines.
07:34I've been forked out on an encyclopedia of world wines for nothing.
07:38Yeah, that's Razzina.
07:39It's very good.
07:39This is very good, man.
07:40I see.
07:40It's one of the best I've ever tasted.
07:41What is it?
07:43I'm parking.
07:44You're going to invite me to the wedding, presumably?
07:47What?
07:47Give me pardon?
07:48You two are getting married, I take it.
07:50Stupid.
07:51No, no, no.
07:51Obviously, I mean, a six-year friendship just goes out the window if you're going to start
07:54siding with some Greco against me.
07:56I think maybe everything's not all right for my two lovers, eh?
07:59You can cut that out for a second.
08:01Listen, Stuart.
08:02No, you listen, Mush.
08:04While you were marking time doing lingophone courses of the ancient world, I was out there
08:08pounding the streets of Tivot and learning a sun-in-train.
08:10Stupid.
08:11While you tanned your hairy arse on the new beaches of Crete or wherever it was, swilling
08:16turpentine and stuffing violins with a bunch of perverts, I was out there getting my master's
08:22degree in the University of Hard Knocks and Tough Surprises.
08:26To you all, you fancy lover boy.
08:29Where are you going?
08:31How come I'm doing you an omelet, if you like, sir?
08:33Oh, forget it.
08:33I've had enough, Gordon.
08:34I'm going out for an honest British caban.
08:40Daphne du Maurier is a novelist and Gerald Kaufman is bald.
08:44Is that it?
08:46No.
08:46Now, Theresa, you are a...
08:48A costume designer.
08:49A costume designer, right, yes.
08:51And you've put together this magnificent costume for me to wear in the next sketch.
08:55I suppose a lot of people must be very keen to know where you actually start from when
08:59designing a costume.
09:00Well, obviously, the first thing to do is to start from the script.
09:02Right, right.
09:03Yes, as a costume designer, we have to read the script to get a feel for what the writer's
09:07trying to do for the period and for whatever little details there are that will help the story.
09:12Right, to fit the character and so on.
09:14Oh, precisely.
09:14Yeah.
09:15I suppose you must have to be quite a historian, really, to know about the details of the period
09:19and how wide the lapels must have been and all that sort of thing.
09:22Oh, that's right, because obviously audiences are so quick to spot mistakes.
09:25Are they?
09:26Oh, yes.
09:27They'll write in about the tiniest detail if they think you haven't got it right.
09:30Really?
09:30I once had a letter from a lady.
09:31Well, that's incredible.
09:34Well, let's hope that nobody writes in about this next sketch.
09:38Fingers crossed.
09:39Fingers crossed, exactly.
09:40Theresa, thank you very much.
09:41Oh, my pleasure.
09:42Right.
09:42Well, here goes.
09:45Dear Mr Povey, thank you for your letter of the 14th.
09:47I'm enclosing your application herewith as the vacancy has already been filled.
09:52Sorry I'm late, Brian.
09:53The traffic was an absolute pig.
09:55Oh, that's all right.
09:56I was just catching up on some correspondence.
09:58Yeah, it's good to get it out of the way, isn't it?
09:59Exactly.
10:00Right now, should we crack on?
10:01Yeah, as I see it, there are a number of routes we can take.
10:03Yeah, care to listen for me?
10:04Sure.
10:06We can tackle the problem of restructuring distribution lag almost immediately.
10:10Can I just interrupt you here?
10:12Certainly, Peter.
10:12Thanks.
10:13Pleasure.
10:15The second option is a little more drastic, and that's to examine the initial premise
10:20of setting up distribution as a lateral department.
10:23Ah, now, well, you see, that may not be popular.
10:25Exactly.
10:26But then again, you and I didn't get into this business in order to be popular.
10:28I hoped you'd say that, Peter, and you haven't let me down on that score.
10:32Oh, blast.
10:33What?
10:34Sorry, I've still, sorry, I've still got my watch on.
10:37Oh, no.
10:38Well, no, somebody would have noticed.
10:39You're right.
10:40Sorry.
10:41Daphne du Maurier wrote Rebecca, and Gerald Kaufman has extremely strong views on community
10:46policing.
10:47That must be it.
10:48Say 99.
10:5099.
10:52Hmm?
10:52Say thank you.
10:55Hmm?
10:57Say breasts.
11:00Breasts.
11:02Hmm.
11:03Ah.
11:04Ah.
11:05Good.
11:06Good.
11:07Yes, sir.
11:08Do you show it up now, Mr Pepperdine?
11:11Everything, er, everything as it should be.
11:12I don't think there's anything to worry about there.
11:14Now, you say you've had a little difficulty breathing at nights.
11:17Er, yes, that's right, yeah.
11:18Been, er, bringing up any sputum?
11:21Er, no, not really.
11:22Any, er, yellow or green in your phlegm?
11:24Blood?
11:25No.
11:26Mm-hmm.
11:26Bit of tightness in the chest?
11:28Er, yes, a little, yeah.
11:29Uh-huh.
11:29Headaches?
11:30What, apart from the children, you mean?
11:32Er, no, not really, no.
11:34Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
11:36Um, right.
11:39Well, I think I'm gonna put you on a course of these.
11:42I don't know if you've ever had them before.
11:43One, twenty times a day.
11:47Er, what are they?
11:48Well, it's a simple, erm, arsenous monoxide, erm, nicotinol preparation, taken bronchially
11:54as an infumation.
11:56An infumation?
11:57Yes, you light the end and breathe in.
11:59Oh, like cigarettes?
12:00Oh, you know them, then?
12:01Yes.
12:02A little hard for a doctor to admit, but they're basically a herbal remedy.
12:05Oh, herbal cigarettes?
12:07That's right, yes.
12:08Erm, the leaf originally comes from America, I believe.
12:11It's called tobacco.
12:13But medicated?
12:14Medicated?
12:15No.
12:16What, these are ordinary cigarettes?
12:17That's right.
12:18But they're terribly bad for you, aren't they?
12:20I hardly think I'd be prescribing them if they were bad for you, would I?
12:24What, twenty a day?
12:25That's right, ideally rising to thirty or forty if they begin to be doing the trick.
12:29No, but these give you lung cancer and bronchitis and emphysema, don't they?
12:33Yes, give you that idea.
12:35Well, I thought everybody knew that.
12:37Are you a doctor?
12:38No, but it stands to reason, isn't it?
12:40You're talking about stands to reason.
12:42I mean, you wouldn't know what a pair of lungs did if you hadn't been told, would you?
12:45It's taken mankind thousands of years to work out what a heart does, what blood vessels
12:49are for, what kidneys do.
12:51And now, just because you've read a few weedy magazine articles, you think you know more
12:54about the human body than I do?
12:55No, but it can't be natural, can it?
12:57It's a perfectly natural leaf.
12:58Yes, but setting fire to it and inhaling.
13:01Well, it's more natural than baked Alaska or nylon socks.
13:05Yeah, well, yes, but you don't inhale nylon socks.
13:08At least I don't.
13:10Bit of leaf smoke to loosen the lungs, clear the head, ease that tightness, perfectly sound.
13:16You'll be telling me that cholesterol isn't bad for you next.
13:19What's cholesterol?
13:21Well, you know...
13:22Yes, I know perfectly well, but I don't suppose you'd even heard of it until about five years
13:25ago, had you?
13:26You'd die without the stuff.
13:28Yes, but too much is bad for you.
13:29But of course too much is bad for you.
13:31Too much of anything is bad for you, you blithering twat.
13:34That's what too much means.
13:36Too much water would be bad for you.
13:38Obviously, too much is precisely that quantity which is excessive.
13:41That's what it means.
13:42Jesus!
13:44But I thought the...
13:45You thought you didn't think at all, did you?
13:48Cigarettes are healing, harmless and natural.
13:52Well, if you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion.
13:54That is your privilege.
13:56Right.
13:56My second opinion is that they're also cheap standard quantities.
14:00Really?
14:01Yep.
14:01If you want a third opinion, I'll tell you that they're healing, soothing and sexy.
14:06Well, that seems to clinch it.
14:07Exactly.
14:08So, 20 a day, rising to 30 or 40 as necessary.
14:11And the tightness in the chest...
14:12Should disappear completely.
14:14Right.
14:14Well, you're the doctor.
14:16Hmm?
14:16I said you're the doctor.
14:18What on earth gives you that idea?
14:20What?
14:21You did?
14:22You're pathetic, aren't you?
14:24I'm a tobacconist, isn't it obvious?
14:29Well...
14:30Well, no.
14:30Well, I do grant you it does look a little bit more like a doctor's surgery than a tobacconist.
14:34Why?
14:35Why?
14:35Because you're the kind of git that falls for that sort of thing, that's why.
14:38It's the same reason that cosmetic sales staff wear white coats.
14:41Because fools like you think that something with a Swiss name that calls itself a skin treatment
14:46is better for you than a tub of cold cream, which is all you're actually getting.
14:48You're a credulous git, Mr Pepperdine.
14:52A stethoscope in a plausible manner do not make a doctor.
14:54I'm a con man.
14:56And you are a moron.
14:59So you're not a doctor?
15:01Could be.
15:02What do you think?
15:04You really want to know?
15:05I'd be fascinated.
15:06Well, I think you've taken a reasonably interesting idea and you've basically just completely overworked it.
15:11I think what started out as quite an interesting statement on our susceptibility to received ideas
15:17has just turned into a rambling, vague, ill-thought-out piece of drivel, frankly.
15:22And I think you want to end it now.
15:23Oh, really?
15:24Yeah.
15:24Well, I think that shows you've just completely misunderstood.
15:28No, I can't read that.
15:30I'm a Methodist.
15:32Oh, how loud?
15:33Oh, sorry.
15:36It's loud.
15:39Who wrote this?
15:44I can't read that.
15:46There's nothing there.
15:48Oh.
15:49Why do you put it in the back?
15:51I can't read.
15:53You know, some of the funniest things that ever happen here in TV never actually make it
15:58to our screens.
15:59I'm talking about the outtakes or mistakes that we here in television land get so embarrassed
16:05about.
16:06Here's one of my all-time favorites.
16:08It's a great blooper.
16:10And it was recorded for an edition of Open University way back in 1973.
16:17That's what we can see that if we increase the non-reflexive integers in the equation
16:23by a quantity denoted by d5, the parallel quantities d3 and d7 are inverted in the same direction,
16:30giving us a resultant modular quantity of 0.567359.
16:36Now, this should begin to give us some clues as to whether-
16:40Brian, I'm sorry.
16:43What's happened?
16:45You said, you said 0.567359.
16:49Oh, no, I didn't.
16:51It should be 0.567395.
16:53I don't believe it!
16:56Oh, no!
16:58Oh, no!
17:02Oh!
17:02Oh!
17:04Oh!
17:04Oh!
17:05Oh!
17:09Oh!
17:12Oh!
17:14Oh!
17:14Oh!
17:16That was five.
17:17Five.
17:18Five-six-seven-three-five-nine!
17:21Oh, dear.
17:23Ha-ha!
17:23Vic.
17:25I killed her because she said she was gonna marry Noel Edmonds.
17:30Oww.
17:30She's really been much of a model daughter.
17:34Oh, everytime, every time.
17:37The judge was very sympathetic, thank goodness.
17:48Oh, hello, Murchison.
17:50Oh, Control, you gave me quite a fright there.
17:52I nearly spilt your coffee.
17:54Oh, that's all right.
17:55I can easily mop up that quite small drop just here.
17:58And anyway, it was very kind of you to bring me in any coffee at all.
18:02Not at all.
18:03I was coming in anyway, and I thought, why not bring Control a cup?
18:08It's 11 o'clock.
18:09I expect he'd welcome some coffee.
18:11Greatly appreciated.
18:13I spoke to Valerie, and she said you like a little bit of milk, not too much, and no sugar.
18:18I hope that's right.
18:20That's exactly how I like my coffee.
18:24I suppose I'd better tell you why I came in.
18:27Yes, did you have something you wished to say to me, or perhaps you'd like to ask me a question?
18:33Sort of a mixture of both, really, Control.
18:35Do you remember how some time ago we decided to put a tail on that new cultural attaché at the
18:40Russian embassy?
18:42Yes, I remember it very well.
18:44We thought he might be a spy working for the KGB.
18:48So, I said, why not follow him around a bit and see if he does anything that might look suspicious?
18:54That's right.
18:55We gave him the codename Big Bad Wolf, and you said it would be a good idea if we put
19:01Philip and his F Division in charge of the surveillance.
19:04That's right.
19:05Operation Coat Hanger, we called it, if memory serves.
19:09You were sitting over there.
19:11It was quite a rainy day, and Philip was standing by the desk.
19:16Yes, although, if you remember, it was before you moved your desk round this way, so Philip would have been
19:23over there.
19:25Oh, yes.
19:28I must say, I much prefer it like this.
19:30I don't think I'll go back.
19:31I can see all the door, and I've got quite a nice view over St Giles' Circus.
19:36That must be nice.
19:39Anyway, I'm afraid it looks as if Big Bad Wolf probably is a spy, after all.
19:44Oh, dear.
19:45Just as well we took the trouble to check up, it does show that it's always worth chasing things up
19:51thoroughly.
19:52Has he been meeting known KGB agents, then?
19:55Yes, I'm afraid he has, as you can see for yourself.
20:09I must say, I like this folder.
20:14Didn't the old ones used to be buff-coloured?
20:17That's right.
20:18It was Valerie's idea to change over to the new blue ones.
20:22She thought it might cheer the place up a bit.
20:25Very nice, too.
20:27Ah, Big Bad Wolf has a meeting with Colonel Andreef in John Lewis's.
20:32Do you think Philip took this surveillance photograph himself?
20:36It does look like Philip's handiwork, doesn't it?
20:40Can't see which department they're in.
20:43Well, I do hope Big Bad Wolf hasn't been stealing any of our secrets
20:46or trying to persuade any of our agents to defect to the East.
20:50That would be pretty galling, wouldn't it?
20:53I tell you what, you'd better leave this with me, Murchison.
20:56Are you going to tell the Minister?
20:57I shall have to do that, yes.
20:59Meanwhile, Philip had better keep up his surveillance.
21:01Would you like me to tell him to do that?
21:03I shall be seeing him later on today.
21:05Would you? That would certainly save me the trouble.
21:08No problem.
21:10Right. Well, thank you.
21:11You're welcome.
21:13Anyway, I'd better get back to my office now.
21:15The Prague desk is in a bit of a flap.
21:19Uh-oh. I won't keep you, then.
21:22I'll let you know if anything else crops up.
21:25Thanks, Tony.
21:26Oh, and thank you again for the coffee.
21:27It tasted very nice.
21:30An absolute pleasure.
21:32Bye-bye, Control.
21:34Bye-bye, Murchison.
21:37Well, I just told him to stuff it.
21:39But he said that had been dead too long.
21:43Douglas Heard.
21:44Oh, that's a tricky one.
21:46Um...
21:46Cauliflower?
21:53Look, just turn the handle.
21:59Look, look, turn the handle.
22:01What's the matter with you?
22:02Nothing.
22:03Why can't you just...
22:04Look, I didn't carry this thing all the way from the bloody car park.
22:07Just turn the handle and walk in.
22:09Well, I'm going to give it to you over again.
22:11Well, you do what you want.
22:12I'm going to knock this bloody door down.
22:14Well, close it. Close it.
22:16What do you want?
22:18Mrs Catherine Povey.
22:19Yes?
22:20What?
22:21Who are you?
22:22Sorry to disturb you, madam.
22:23We're making some routine door-to-door inquiries in the neighbourhood.
22:27And, uh, we wondered if we might come in.
22:30Finished.
22:31Well, why didn't you ring the bell?
22:33You see, I knew this was going to happen.
22:35I didn't ring the bell, then.
22:37Oh, um...
22:38We thought you were out.
22:39No, no, no.
22:40Is that not right?
22:42We didn't want to disturb you.
22:44No, no.
22:44No?
22:45Um, if we'd rang the bell, there would have been no point in my having carried this sledgehammer
22:49all the way from the car park.
22:50I see.
22:52Yep, I think we might have got away with that one.
22:53Good.
22:55Now then, Mrs Povey, if you'd just like to sit down.
23:00I like them. They're good, aren't they?
23:03I'd better turn the body down.
23:04Yeah, all right.
23:05Yeah.
23:06He's crazy, that one.
23:07He's crazy.
23:08Right, Mrs Povey, your husband, is he at home?
23:11What?
23:12Your husband, is he at home at the current time?
23:14I haven't got a husband.
23:16No husband. I see.
23:18Well, when do you expect him back?
23:19What?
23:20No, no, that is the wrong question.
23:22Well, is that wrong?
23:22Yeah.
23:23It's all right?
23:23Yeah.
23:24Now...
23:24Well, when do you expect her back?
23:27Mrs Povey, computer trace currently indicates that you are the holder of one husband.
23:32Well, I'm not.
23:33I see. Well, I'll have my colleagues duly amend the record accordingly.
23:36Now then, Mrs Povey.
23:38Yes?
23:38Your husband's been a bit busy lately, hasn't he?
23:41Aw.
23:41He's been giving us the right run around.
23:43He's a scumbag, that's what he is.
23:46He's a great big bag of scum.
23:49Scumming around in a big bag, that's what he is.
23:52He always has been and he always will be.
23:54I haven't got a husband. I'm not married.
23:56You can take the scum out of the bag, but you can't take the bag out of the scum.
24:01Yeah.
24:01Boiling the bag's scum, that's what it is.
24:03Yeah.
24:04My colleague may be putting it a little bit more forthrightly than I would myself, Mrs Povey,
24:08but then I like to think that's why we work so well together, you see.
24:10We complement each other.
24:12Really?
24:12Yes. What's this?
24:14You're looking very smart today.
24:15Oh, thank you. That's a very nice haircut.
24:16You see, teamwork.
24:19Now then, Mrs Povey, this husband of yours...
24:21Oh, for heaven's sake!
24:22How many times do I have to tell you? I haven't got an husband!
24:25Well...
24:2625!
24:28Excuse me, just for a moment.
24:30What?
24:31She's got to tell us 25 times that she hasn't got a husband.
24:36Once for every day in the week.
24:39Well, doesn't that? It doesn't...
24:40No, all right then, once for every year he's going to spend inside, the scumbag!
24:44Look, I don't know who you are, or why you want to speak to a husband I haven't got, but
24:48I'm telling you!
24:50Oh, I assure you, Mrs Povey, we don't want to speak to him.
24:54Oh, don't you?
24:55No!
24:55Oh, no, no, no, no, no, speak to him, no!
24:58I think perhaps you've been watching a little bit too much television, Mrs Povey.
25:01Well, whatever.
25:02The point is, I haven't got a husband.
25:04And therefore, do you think it's possible that you could have come to the wrong house?
25:08No.
25:09No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
25:12no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
25:12No?
25:13No.
25:13We've already been there.
25:15Where?
25:15The wrong house. We've just come from the wrong house.
25:17That's right.
25:18My colleague says he's substantially correct, Mrs Povey, but we have indeed just come from the wrong house,
25:22so your argument doesn't really stand up, does it?
25:24No, that argument just falls straight over.
25:26Yeah, it just lies there.
25:28Now, well, since you claim to be alone in the house, Mrs Povey, I'm sure you won't mind if we
25:31have a quick look around.
25:32How quick?
25:33Oh, very quick, very quick, I assure you.
25:35Well, help yourself.
25:39That didn't hurt, did it?
25:40Oh, well, it did, actually.
25:42Just whatever you do, don't wake up my son.
25:45Oh, well, I beg your pardon?
25:47Oh, yeah, so do I.
25:48Yes, I beg it as well.
25:50My son is asleep upstairs and I'd rather you didn't wake him.
25:53Now, just a moment, Mrs Povey, just one moment.
25:56Whoa, there, boy, whoa!
25:59Your son?
26:01But you told us he didn't have an husband.
26:03Well, I haven't.
26:05Mrs Povey.
26:06Mrs Povey.
26:07Mrs Povey.
26:08Mrs Povey.
26:09Mrs Povey.
26:10Mrs Povey.
26:12We may be stupid, but we're not clever.
26:16How can you have a son if you haven't got a husband?
26:18That sounds rather miraculous to me.
26:20He was a sailor.
26:22I see, in the Navy, was he?
26:23No, the Nat West.
26:26Yeah, well, we'll leave that for the moment.
26:29Now, this, uh, this putative son of yours.
26:32Now, you say that he...
26:41You say that, uh, he's upstairs?
26:44Yes, he's asleep.
26:45What, tired is he?
26:47I'm not surprised he's tired of the merry dance he's been leading us.
26:50Yeah, very merry dance he's led us.
26:52Yeah, right, gay gavotte.
26:53Ha, ha, ha, ha, I'm so merry.
26:55I think we'll go for the same to you, Mrs Povey.
26:57You'd better ask this son of yours to come downstairs and answer a few questions.
27:00Only if you promise to leave as soon as you've finished.
27:03Ha, ha, ha, I assure you, Mrs Povey, we shall leave just as soon as we've finished being here.
27:11Oh, a charming, super delightful woman.
27:13Yes.
27:14And rather a fabulous taste in decor.
27:16Oh, I agree.
27:17I agree entirely, yes.
27:18Mm, furnishing and fitments are very A-1.
27:20Exactly.
27:20What do you see?
27:20Look at, I mean, look at these sofa coverings.
27:22They're lovely, aren't they?
27:22Are they durable?
27:23Yeah, probably washable.
27:24Yeah, just bung in the machine.
27:26Yeah, yeah.
27:26Well, I'll take them off the sofa first.
27:28Do you know what I'll make that clear?
27:29Yeah, yes, take them off the sofa, yeah.
27:31Unless, of course, you've got a very big machine.
27:33Yeah, yeah.
27:34Or a very small sofa.
27:35Oh, yeah.
27:36I think she's taken it very well.
27:38Well, this is it, you see.
27:39Too well?
27:40Well, I didn't want to mention it, but yeah, maybe she's taken it too well, yeah.
27:44Yeah.
27:44This is my son, William.
27:54Well, you've been a bit of a naughty boy, William, haven't you?
27:58Ask him what he's done with the stuff.
28:00Yeah, what have you done with the stuff?
28:05Scumbag!
28:05I don't know what he's done with the stuff.
28:56I don't know why he's done with the stuff.