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Last Of The Summer Wines S03 Ep7 Isometrics And After
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00:26Piano music
00:31Well, the trouble with you people is you're not as fit as you used to be.
00:35I don't think I was ever as fit as we used to be.
00:38I'll knackered.
00:41Now, some of the polish has gone from the top end of your performance curves.
00:45Clay, you mustn't go jumping to conclusions just because we can't breathe and our legs have collapsed.
00:50What are you talking about, the long shag basket?
00:53That's just as poofed as we are.
00:56That's ridiculous.
00:57Even poofier.
01:00I've always kept myself in first-class fighting trim.
01:05Yes, but your trim has become a short back and sides, Foggy.
01:10What's a scientific term for flashes in front of the eyes?
01:15Indecent exposure.
01:18Do you reckon our backyards are big enough to keep chickens?
01:22What do you want to keep chickens for?
01:24Not the ideal place for rural pursuits, is it?
01:27Within splashing distance of a Wesleyan reformed chapel?
01:30The chapel's empty.
01:32You think it's empty?
01:34What about all the spirits of the former worshippers?
01:38I don't believe in them.
01:40Mrs Arthur Padgett used to go there with a grim expression.
01:43You can't not believe in Mrs Arthur Padgett.
01:49For she's still alive.
01:52I don't believe in dead Methodists.
01:55Don't you ever give any thought to the possibility of an afterlife?
01:58Don't you believe in any power greater than the chairman of your local National Assistance Board?
02:04When there's dead, there's dead.
02:07I saw our Walter when that safe fell on him.
02:09And if he were having any afterlife, I could tell he weren't enjoying it.
02:13Not at the time to open it, had he?
02:15He was not opening it.
02:17He was just moving it for a friend.
02:19What, at three o'clock in the morning?
02:21Oh, what a lovely surprise.
02:23They were well liked, were our Walter.
02:25Oh, much sought after.
02:27I knew several policemen who were carrying his photo.
02:30He sat so knackered face.
02:33Then cast your old blinkers on the Smashbox, my friend.
02:36Look at that.
02:38No! Take it away!
02:40Take it away!
02:41Here, have a look.
02:46Now, don't interrupt me a minute.
02:49One of the supreme tests of physical fitness is how long you can hold your breath.
02:52In the days of my prime, I could do well over a minute.
02:55In fact, I was very tempted to volunteer for a frog, ma'am.
02:57You got the face for it.
03:08Look at that, I had no idea.
03:21Oh.
03:23Oh.
03:23Oh.
03:23Don't let him go!
03:24Oh!
03:26Oh!
03:27Oh!
03:28Oh!
03:32Oh, I used to do better than that.
03:35Well, the princes in the tower did better than that.
03:39Fine, Frogman, flapping and barking about like that.
03:42Shut up a minute.
03:43What is it?
03:45I can't hear me heart beating.
03:47What do you want to hear me heart beating for?
03:50Well, some people like music.
03:51I like listening to me heart beating.
03:54I could hear it when we arrived.
03:57Now it's stopped.
03:59It can't have stopped.
04:01Would you mind repeating that with a little more conviction?
04:04I can't bear that note of uncertainty in your voice.
04:07You can listen to mine if you like.
04:10Maybe sometime when you're not so busy.
04:12All right.
04:16Well, we're just a bit out of condition, that's all.
04:18If you give me a fortnight, I'll soon get us back into shape.
04:30Deep in thought, Miss Moody.
04:32Forgive me, Mr. Wainwright.
04:34Not at all, not at all.
04:35We're not machines.
04:37You're very understanding.
04:39Oh, please.
04:40No, it's true.
04:41Not everyone respects a person's need for a moment of quiet reflection.
04:45A person like you, Miss Moody.
04:47For me, it is a need.
04:49A need that's true.
04:50And I respect you for it.
04:52Without it, I feel weighed down by the terrible inertia of one's petty bourgeois environment.
04:59Oh, God, I know what you mean.
05:01Elliot's wasteland is depressingly real, Mr. Wainwright.
05:05Absolutely.
05:06I can't understand why the council doesn't slap him with a compulsory purchase.
05:10T.S. Elliot.
05:12The poem.
05:13The wasteland.
05:14Oh, that Elliot.
05:16It is still possible, isn't it, for the individual to carry within him or her a fragment of light.
05:24A flame of something.
05:26Isn't it?
05:27Yes, sir.
05:28I'm sure you're right.
05:28A flame of something, yes, sir.
05:31And we who have that flame...
05:36We who have that flame, Miss Moody?
05:38Have a sacred duty to forge a better society where even the poorest can benefit from the light within us.
05:46Exactly.
05:47It means we've got to get the Tories out.
05:49Right.
05:49And the bloody independence and the ratepayers' damned association.
05:53You've a fine mind, Miss Moody.
05:55I think like you, Mr. Wainwright.
05:58Yes, I know you do.
06:00That's what first put me onto it.
06:03You've got damn good legs, too.
06:06I like this one in particular.
06:10Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.
06:14What was he doing down there with your leg?
06:17Are you two engaged?
06:19Hey, here.
06:21Do you want to have a look in my matchbox?
06:23Just have a little gander, then.
06:28Will you get in there?
06:33What was it? It was...
06:40Well, it's all here.
06:42What's all here? Don't ask.
06:44Our pathway back to physical fitness, that's what's here, in two slim volumes.
06:48I warned you, it's like that moment in the film.
06:51Ah, you know, when this nosy idiot lifts the lid of Dracula's coffin.
06:56And you know what you're going to have to go through before they get it back on again.
06:59Oh, heck.
07:01I tell you what, Poggy, we'll strike a bargain with you.
07:03You put them books away and we'll promise not to take you into a corner and give you a right
07:08to toughen up.
07:09I would advise you not to talk like that to a trained soldier of the Royal Army Service Corps.
07:13Oh, that was a right lady's regiment.
07:16God, he stands there, fermenting in his wellies.
07:22Covered in all the glamour of an ex-veteran of the chemical toilet platoon of the Pioneer Corps.
07:28A fine bunch of lads whose exploits are still shrouded in a veil of official secrecy.
07:34Ah-ha, that was in about our mob, you see.
07:37Nobody wants to take the lid off.
07:40I hope not.
07:42Duff me up, he says.
07:44God, look at him.
07:47Takes him all his strength these days to lose money on the GGs.
07:50You're falling to pieces, man.
07:52I've noticed the process of deterioration.
07:54Now, there was a time of day when no one was faster than you at touching your toes.
07:59Someone only had to drop a fag end and if it were down there that fast, your spine used to
08:03crack like a whip.
08:04Look at him now.
08:05All right, then, try me.
08:06Come on, try me.
08:07Just drop a fag end down there on that right now.
08:09Come on, try me.
08:10Now, steady, Keller.
08:10Steady.
08:11Don't pull a muscle before the big fight.
08:12I take him in the face.
08:14That's what I do.
08:14I take him in the face.
08:16The big, big, big, big, big, big, big.
08:19It's grotesque.
08:21Grotesque.
08:22What's the left, Duke?
08:24Yeah, I think you'll find that's your right.
08:28Listen, I'm the greatest.
08:29That's me, left Duke.
08:31Oh, stop prancing about, will you?
08:33Can he sit still?
08:35I suppose he's afraid that if he does, someone will put him out for the dust cart.
08:38It's hard to be graceful when you've got your britches tied up with a bit of old clothesline.
08:43New clothesline.
08:44Oh, sorry.
08:45God, listen to him.
08:46He's out of breath.
08:48His puss is racing.
08:49Little beads of perspiration all over his epidermis.
08:51Don't be filthy.
08:53You don't even know what your epidermis is, do you?
08:56Give me a clue.
08:58I told you.
08:59Epidermis?
09:01Epidermis?
09:03Me granny used to have one of them, I think, in a plant pot in the front window.
09:08That was an Aspidistra.
09:10Well, it looked like an epidermis.
09:12I'm talking about your skin.
09:14They were green and shiny.
09:16That's right, your skin.
09:17Yeah.
09:18Well, Duke, I know when I'm being insulted.
09:21Well, you ought to, shouldn't you?
09:23Look at the practice you've had.
09:23You see, I doubt if even Margot Fontaine herself could be graceful with her britches tied up with a bit
09:29of old clothesline.
09:30New clothesline.
09:32Hey, where do you keep getting new clotheslines?
09:35We have our sources.
09:39Look, read the introduction on page nine.
09:41No, not you.
09:42We don't want any one-fingered exercises.
09:43I can read.
09:44Oh, we know.
09:45Yeah, the sport in life and the supplementary benefit application forms.
09:49All good, clean stuff.
09:51You won't find any four-letter words in my reading, Master.
09:54I've only one word for you two at the moment.
09:58Isometrics.
09:59That were it.
10:00That was what me granny kept in the plant pot in the front window.
10:03She used to feed it bone meal and she used to sing to it every night.
10:07You're the biggest isometric in the world.
10:13Well, I must warn you, Foggy, that keen as I am to develop a body as tough as whipcord or
10:19even new clothesline,
10:21I should be reluctant to start anything that might involve taking my vest off.
10:26No, no, you don't have to take your vest off.
10:28No, not for isometrics.
10:29That's the beauty of it.
10:30Yes, but I hope you're not spinning as any leader of men type fanny
10:35because you're a bit of a reckless enthusiast sometimes, Foggy.
10:39Oh, you can do it all in your plastic muck, if you like.
10:41Oh.
10:43Yeah, well, you say that now, but this latest plot of yours
10:47has the squeak of plimsels and the flash of nipples about it.
10:52Or is it the flash of plimsels and the squeak of nipples?
10:55Anyway, it worries me.
10:56You don't trust me.
10:58Only of course there's crackers.
10:59It's nothing personal.
11:00It's just that given a choice between a spotty moron
11:03and somebody who is out to improve mankind,
11:06my heart goes out to the spotty moron every time.
11:10No, isometrics.
11:11It's the ideal form of modern exercise.
11:14Now, look.
11:15Look.
11:15Designed for the busy executive at his desk.
11:20Well, now, it can be performed
11:21without elaborate apparatus at any odd moments of the day.
11:26Oh, you mean like her at 22 Jenkinson Avenue?
11:30Oh, shut up.
11:31Oh, shut up.
11:31Now, look.
11:32Now, there's this one, and many others can be done
11:33without even rising from your chair.
11:35Oh, exercise is sitting down.
11:39Right up your street now, didn't it?
11:41Yeah.
11:41You see, it's merely the scientific application of muscle tension
11:45to develop and restore those tired, flagging limbs.
11:50Yes, but there you go again, you see.
11:51I have this nagging suspicion
11:53that some of the nicest people in the world
11:55are among those with tired, flagging limbs.
11:59Do you want to be nice, or do you want to be fit?
12:01You mustn't want to be nice.
12:03People who want to be nice are a pain in the arm.
12:07Yes, well, now, are we going to try these simple exercises,
12:10or are we not?
12:12All right, all right.
12:13Good.
12:14But let me remind you that as my personal,
12:17humble comment upon the wildest excesses
12:21of the 20th century, I have this ambition
12:23that one day there will be carved on my headstone
12:27in simple Roman letters the words,
12:31To his eternal credit, he was never seen topless.
12:38Yeah, well, exercise three.
12:41We'll start with exercise three.
12:42You should do this one sitting down.
12:44Now, on my word of command,
12:46we begin to try to lift the table.
12:49Hey, oh, this is more exciting than knocking about
12:52with dubious women of the opposite sex.
12:54Of course, we shan't be able to lift the table
12:56because it's screwed to the floor.
12:59What? Is it?
13:00Oh, yes, very firmly screwed to the floor.
13:02Ha, ha, well, that's typical of the library committee, isn't it?
13:06We'll give the natives a bit of culture,
13:08but we'll just make sure that the tables are screwed to the floor.
13:12Oh, your dodgy knees.
13:13What's the point of trying to lift the table
13:16if the legs are screwed to the floor?
13:17Well, that is the whole idea, you grimy, silly person.
13:22That's a whole basis of isometrics.
13:24See, you exert pressure against an immovable object
13:28and it tones the muscles up.
13:30Now, don't argue, but get a firm grip underneath.
13:33This is an ideal form of quiet exercise.
13:36You can do it in a crowded room
13:38and nobody need know you're doing it.
13:40Uh, yeah, some people have filthy habits.
13:44This is no time for confession.
13:45Now, shut up and get over.
13:47Now, then, on the word of command,
13:49lift him, party.
13:51Lift!
13:51Ooh!
13:55Ooh!
13:57Ooh!
13:58Ooh!
14:06What's going on in here?
14:09Where do you think you're going with that table, Tom?
14:16Oh, it's merely a temporary setback.
14:36Eh, I reckon I've had enough.
14:38Anyway, I don't want my muscles to get too massive.
14:41Otherwise, me clobber won't fit.
14:44I thought the whole point about wearing rags
14:46wasn't fit anything.
14:48Flatterer.
14:48If we're going to die in about 100 years,
14:51is it really worth bothering to get fit?
14:54I see no reason why we can't do it without the books.
14:57Oh, you need a book.
14:59Teach yourself to die.
15:00Oh, there's a novelty.
15:02No, we can do the exercises without the book.
15:04I mean, I've got a grasp of the main principles.
15:07Eh, watch it.
15:07It'll make you go blind.
15:11Would you kind of walk a few paces behind?
15:13I don't want the general public to get the impression
15:15we've stolen you from the top of a bonfire.
15:19Well, if you insist that we abandon isometrics,
15:22we shall just have to revert to the more orthodox forms of exercise.
15:25Or we could just deteriorate comfortably.
15:28Oh, we'll start with something short and snappy.
15:30Like Nora Batty's garters.
15:34Like a 100-yard dash.
15:36Oh, heck.
15:38Were you settled for a 50-yard stagger?
15:41I was settled for nothing less
15:43than a reinvigorated body.
15:47Now, 100 yards.
15:48Yes, I shall count to three.
15:49Oh, that's a good idea.
15:50That's a better exercise to start with.
15:53Counting on three.
15:54And on the command go,
15:56I shall expect to see a flying start.
15:58No slacking.
15:59No hanging back.
16:00This is private enterprise now.
16:02You can't get fit under socialism.
16:04Don't poke me in the vicinity of my nipple.
16:07All that socialism will do for you
16:09is to employ another regiment of civil servants
16:11to do your running for you.
16:13I won't have a Tory capitalist
16:15poking me within the vicinity of my nipple.
16:18To do your running for you.
16:20At shop steward speed,
16:22which, as we all know,
16:23is the equivalent of having your legs
16:24firmly shackled in a mango.
16:25Right now, on your knees.
16:27At the Tory talking,
16:28that's where they want us.
16:30Down on our knees.
16:31I do enjoy hearing people discuss politics.
16:35It makes you realise
16:37there are things more boring than growing old.
16:40Right now, we'll run as far as that bush down there.
16:43Then we'll stop.
16:45I'll tell you, ready?
16:46On your marks.
16:47This'll make the blood race.
16:49I just hope we can keep up with it.
16:52Don't forget, I'm still wearing my wellies.
16:55Oh, listen to me.
16:56It's like a duck complaining about webbed feet.
16:59On your marks.
17:01One, two, three, go!
17:08I knew it.
17:09I knew it.
17:10All right.
17:11Don't get the best in a tangle.
17:13I knew that when it came to showing a bit of energy,
17:15you'd fail miserably.
17:18All right.
17:19We'll have a crude commercial incentive.
17:21Shilling each in a kitty.
17:21Winner takes all.
17:22Oh.
17:29Look at it.
17:30What a performance.
17:32Well, sometimes it slips through the hole in my pocket
17:35and I have to find it in the lining.
17:37Good heavens.
17:38And does the same thing happen to your money as well?
17:45I hope you realise this is very much of a gamble.
17:48Well, only a little one.
17:49Whether I'm going to find any money at all.
17:51We'll wait.
17:52Oh, this is it.
17:53I've got it here.
17:55Hang on a minute.
17:55Don't go away.
17:57If ever he's mugged,
17:59his assailant's going to want waiting time.
18:07Ah, here we are.
18:09That's it.
18:11All right, now that King Farouk's coughed up
18:12from the Royal Treasury,
18:14one of my eyes.
18:16One,
18:18two,
18:19three,
18:20go!
18:21That man has taken him up there and found it.
18:23He didn't be either.
18:39You'll have to move that bush a bit near us, Hockey.
18:43Physical polish.
18:44Like this.
18:45I lose you.
18:48I'll show it.
18:48The way you chuck it about on the GGs,
18:51you'd never think so.
18:55Hey,
18:56wait a minute.
18:57No, I've got an idea.
19:03Hey, where are you going?
19:06Come back.
19:09Come back.
19:21I have this affinity for the water.
19:26It's not that I've got the sea in my blood.
19:30It's more like a pond
19:32or very shallow rivers.
19:35I'd like to be able to see the bottom.
19:41A passion for inland waterways
19:44could be better than having the sea in your blood.
19:47The Danes used to have the sea in their blood.
19:50And look how they finished up
19:52with an international reputation for pornography.
19:56Seems they like to see the bottom too.
20:00Hey, there's some rabbit droppings here.
20:05What?
20:07Rabbit droppings.
20:10Well, fill your pockets, kid.
20:11There's nobody looking.
20:16It was just an idea.
20:20Well, you might at least let me tell you what it is.
20:31You'll be sorry.
20:35That's why the human race
20:37was buried in ignorance
20:39for thousands of years.
20:41Because it wouldn't
20:43keep its ears open.
20:48You're hot.
20:49What are you?
20:59It's just that we'd rather not
21:00care about it
21:01on the grounds
21:02that it might tend
21:03to invigorate us.
21:05You know what?
21:05I've got to please yourselves.
21:10Hey, up door and batty.
21:12What are you doing here?
21:13Don't you come near me.
21:16Do you want to have a look
21:17in my matchbox?
21:18Here, look.
21:20Oh!
21:22Will you put that
21:23damn thing away?
21:24Yeah.
21:25It won't do any harm, will you?
21:27What have you got in there?
21:31Joss!
21:32Phil!
21:32Hey, now, what's going on?
21:34I won't have this
21:35frightening me staff.
21:36The staff?
21:37Mrs. Batty's working here now
21:39so that I can spend more time
21:40going round selling with the van.
21:41Hey, up!
21:42A bit of clabber
21:43on the premises at last.
21:44Oh, you'll have to get her
21:46done up a bit, though, Sid.
21:48I mean, get her into
21:48some black tights
21:50and a little skirt, you know,
21:51so she can slink around
21:53singing songs like
21:54Marlene Dirt Track.
21:56Oh, he's not a wicked tongue.
21:58You know, Sid,
21:59that's the best idea
21:59you've had
22:00did some non-crisp crisps.
22:02They were crisping up.
22:03Gave over.
22:04They didn't go crunch.
22:06They went
22:07slop.
22:09I'll give you a slop
22:10if you come any nearer.
22:12You can't keep your hands off me,
22:13can you?
22:14You can't keep your hands off me.
22:16Hey, look.
22:16Look at these mobile lips.
22:21I didn't come here
22:22to be insulted.
22:23Why not?
22:24The customers do.
22:26If you've got any complaints,
22:27see my missus.
22:28No, it's all right, Sidney.
22:29We'd rather have a complaint
22:31than see your missus.
22:33I don't understand
22:34that point of view.
22:35Then we'll have
22:36three of your horrible
22:36meat pies, please, Sidney.
22:39Do you want the small
22:39horrible meat pies
22:40or the large horrible meat pies?
22:43Small.
22:44Windy.
22:47Here.
22:48Tart.
22:51Tart.
22:52Oh.
22:53Oh, that.
22:54Oh, tart.
23:00Ah.
23:03Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
23:07Don't take the wrapping off.
23:09You'll spoil the flavour.
23:11Here, now.
23:12Look, about my idea,
23:14it occurred to me...
23:16Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
23:17I do like to see
23:19an attractive woman
23:20dabbling through running water.
23:24What's attractive
23:25about Nora Batty?
23:27She's got a new bucket.
23:30I've seen her
23:31with her hair down
23:32screaming at their wallet.
23:33I've seen her
23:34all done up
23:35on her way to bingo.
23:36Why is it women look so lush
23:37when they go to bingo?
23:38Their eyes sparkle.
23:39Sad, isn't it,
23:40that they seem to prefer
23:41it to adultery?
23:43Well, there's a bus
23:44taken right at door.
23:48Yes, there are not many
23:49picture palaces these days
23:51that have been converted
23:52into centres for adultery.
23:54I see.
23:55How come the took
23:56on all about it?
23:57I didn't.
23:58The wife did.
23:59She wouldn't trust me
24:00with any of the other applicants
24:01on account as they had
24:02recognisable boobs.
24:04Not good ones,
24:05just recognisable.
24:07What the hell are you doing?
24:15Hey, up.
24:16Did you see
24:16I said that he moved then?
24:18Oh, he's fit.
24:19That's what we want,
24:20you see,
24:20a trainer like Ivy.
24:22You saw what she did
24:23for your snapple.
24:25What we want
24:26is very elementary
24:27if only a listen
24:28to my idea.
24:29I thought you were
24:29going to load that van.
24:31Well, I'll tell you
24:31what I'm going to do.
24:32What?
24:33I'm going to load that van.
24:36Hey, Ivy,
24:37when is Marlene
24:38going to do her cabaret?
24:40Oh, just ignore him,
24:41Mrs Batty.
24:42I do.
24:43I spend half my life
24:44ignoring him.
24:45He shouts through
24:46my letterbox words like
24:47see-through blouses.
24:51Laura, life is passing us by.
24:53The time will come
24:54when you're long
24:55for my passionate lips
24:57to be pressed closely
24:58against your letterbox.
25:01It's all mouth and trousers.
25:03Oh, they're all alike.
25:05Oh, is that it then?
25:06The all-male sex guilty
25:07because I haven't
25:08loaded the van?
25:09It's guilty
25:09whether you lord it or not.
25:11I've never met a man yet
25:12that's worth
25:13half a good woman.
25:14That's the trouble.
25:15You can't get half a good woman,
25:16can you?
25:16You've got to take
25:16the whole matter in the lot.
25:18Get in there!
25:18No, but only just joking.
25:20You're joking, you joking.
25:21Roger, he's talking to me.
25:26Come on.
25:40Now, my idea
25:41concerns
25:43the ideal form of exercise
25:46for a store in unfit
25:47middle-aged bodies.
25:48Ah, we've got the idea.
25:51It's just the opportunity,
25:53isn't it, Nora?
25:55Falling in love again
25:56never once again.
25:58Oh!
25:58Oh!
25:59Oh!
25:59Oh!
25:59Oh!
26:00Oh!
26:19What's your problem?
26:24I think your geography's a bit wrong, Foggy.
26:27Within a few miles,
26:28we'll slip into it
26:29as if we're born to it.
26:31I hate it.
26:32I've never met
26:33such a pair of complainers.
26:35You sit there
26:36and you do nothing
26:37but moan.
26:38Who's sitting?
26:39I'm taking most of the weight
26:41and the stirrups.
26:42And to think that England's
26:44come to this.
26:45From the spirit behind
26:47the charge of the light
26:48remain to you,
26:49two reluctant heads.
26:51Tis the horse
26:52made this nation
26:53great
26:53and uncomfortable.
26:56I didn't realise
26:57it was this far
26:58from the floor.
27:00Supposedly,
27:00I could throw it on me egg.
27:02Does he look like
27:03a savage beast?
27:04His head does a bit, yeah.
27:06Get on it.
27:06He's a placid horse.
27:08He's got four feet
27:09on the ground.
27:10No wonder he's placid.
27:13What are you worried about?
27:14They won't go any faster
27:15than this.
27:16I'm not worried
27:16about him going faster.
27:18I'm worried about
27:19stopping him.
27:21Where's the break?
27:24Say, whoa.
27:26Whoa.
27:28Whoa, you stupid thing.
27:30Whoa, whoa.
27:31I knew it.
27:32It's a runaway.
27:33What, at this speed?
27:36I thought you
27:37betting shop brigade
27:38were fond of horses.
27:40Well, there's no danger,
27:41little fearless.
27:42You can always jump off.
27:44From up here?
27:45I must be crazy.
27:47I'm not risking it
27:48at this height.
27:50They'll stop
27:51when they feel like it.
27:52I should imagine
27:53after a while
27:54you get used
27:54to this rolling motion
27:56and start feeling
27:58more...
27:58sick.
28:01take your lead
28:02from me.
28:04Don't have to panic.
28:05You just leave it
28:06to the horses.
28:07They'll take us home.
28:09The horses know
28:10where they're going.
28:40There's no need