- 15 hours ago
Last Of The Summer Wines S03 Ep5 Kink In Foggy's Niblick
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00:00I love you
00:34Right, take your jackets off.
00:37We shall all feel better for a free flow of air around the old shirt.
00:53Hey, the strap's a bit loose.
00:57Oh, no, I'm losing weight.
01:05There, that should be wide enough for our purposes.
01:10That man, that man, take him off.
01:13Take him off.
01:14Oh, glass in the eyes.
01:17Yes, I can just see fragments in the eyeballs.
01:20I can't play in those, you know.
01:22Oh, no, no.
01:22Football is a very physical game.
01:25Not the way I play it, Foggy.
01:27Oh, you'd better take him off, Norm.
01:29Otherwise, he's likely to have a shot at dawn for disobedient order.
01:34Well, it won't be long, anyway.
01:36Oh, can you smell that air?
01:39I can feel it whistling at me.
01:41That'll do.
01:41We want no vulgarity.
01:43We want healthy minds and healthy bodies.
01:45One thing you can say for vulgarity, you can do it with your coat on.
01:49I want to get the blood surging.
01:51I want some colour in the cheeks.
01:53I want somebody in gold.
01:56Why is it you can always see his little perforations?
02:18I want you to slam them at me unmercifully.
02:27Don't spare me.
02:31Foggy, watch it!
02:52Watch out, Foggy!
03:02Can I have my wally back?
03:07Oh, shut up.
03:13Oh, it's a crude, unpolished game.
03:17It nearly polished me off.
03:19Oh, it lacks finesse.
03:21It's very much the rough knockabout sport of the working classes.
03:26What's the only about?
03:27The rough knockabout sport of the working classes.
03:30Her with that tight blonde hair from Gregston Street.
03:34Through the Edwards.
03:35Ah!
03:35In those other seats.
03:36Only by a reputation.
03:38Ah, but what a reputation.
03:44Last I heard, she was going out with little Tommy Weston.
03:47I don't understand it's getting better now.
03:48Ah.
03:48No, I was talking about the intrinsic crudity of the game of football.
03:53Yeah, for all, but it's pure poetry.
03:55Oh, rubbish.
03:57What's your game, then?
04:00Golf.
04:01Golf?
04:03Well, golf.
04:05Oh, it's a queen of sport.
04:06You know, bunkers, nibblicks, birdies, eagles, and a certain indefinable social prestige.
04:13I didn't know how to play golf.
04:14Oh, golf.
04:16Do you mean to say that all those times you were lounging about with a large whiskey and soda in
04:20the clubhouse at St Andrews,
04:21you never actually saw me playing?
04:23Not even a peek-a-boo.
04:27Oh, come on.
04:30Oh, God.
04:32Well, it's up now. It's the same tea as always.
04:34I do.
04:35I don't know why that does it.
04:38Oh, dear.
04:40Yeah.
04:41Neither do I at this price.
04:44Hey, look, why don't you keep this thing on your wrist?
04:47Oh, it's got all sugar on it.
04:50Aye, aye, aye.
04:51Here it is.
04:54Steady on, you'll take the plating off.
04:57That's waterproof.
04:59But is it Sid's tea-proof?
05:01Oh, look.
05:05Why don't you wear it round your neck?
05:07I can't tell the time under my chin.
05:10Here, listen, slip your arm out.
05:12Hey, we're not going to play football again, are we?
05:14No, it's not football.
05:15Now, hold your hand out, you naughty boy.
05:18There we are.
05:19You try it up there, see?
05:21You can always slip your arm out of your sleeve if you want to tell the time, and that way
05:24you won't lose it.
05:26Well, to keep it out of Sid's tea.
05:28You know, I fought the Third Reich on better tea than this.
05:32You're nearly flaming loss, though, didn't you?
05:34Yes, it's funny, isn't it?
05:35We went to school all them years.
05:37We got the three R's and a bit of woodwork.
05:40A lot of word about how to fight the Third Reich.
05:43When have you played golf?
05:45Oh, I used to play regularly.
05:47Oh, it was all part of the social pattern.
05:50One was expected to keep up when I was stationed in the canal zone.
05:53I should have thought you'd be butter off learning how to swim.
05:58Hey, you know, I didn't know you had golf courses in the desert.
06:02Oh, yes, it's just one big bunker.
06:05Just when I know that I've got the leisure, I wouldn't mind reactivating the old clubs again.
06:10When was the last time they played?
06:12Oh, well, it's like riding a bicycle, you know, you never forget.
06:15That's true.
06:16Elephants and bicycle riders never forget.
06:18You can give a bicycle rider a bum, and 20 years later, if you tweak him on the trunk,
06:24you can hear him trumpeting with every sign of pleasure.
06:28When was it your last play?
06:31September.
06:32September?
06:341939.
06:36I was all set for the Juniors Cup when that fool Hitler invaded Poland.
06:42Well, maybe he thought he had no chance in your Juniors Cup.
06:45Oh, 1939?
06:47You can't call yourself a golfer on the strength of that.
06:50If you've once murdered, you're a murderer for life, aren't you?
06:54Best you used to be.
06:55Nowadays, I believe it's about 12 years and most of that's society's fault.
06:591939?
07:02I've still got a nice set of very high-class equipment up in the attic, you know.
07:06Do you know, I'll bet that the last of the Dewhursts could still whack a nifty ball.
07:12You couldn't hit it with a barge, Paul.
07:14I have a natural swing.
07:16I know, from the hip, with a slight touch of the hallow sailor.
07:24You can't ruffle my iron self-control.
07:28I'm quite prepared to demonstrate my natural aptitude on any course of your choosing.
07:33That's all.
07:34Oh, this is going to be very boring.
07:37No wonder Hitler preferred to invade Poland.
07:39Hey, this afternoon, then, you can get a visitor's ticket and make a fool of yourself reasonably cheaply.
07:44I accept your challenge.
07:46And we shall see who looks foolish.
07:48You forget that we, of the middle classes, take our recreations seriously.
07:57You fool, that hat was made by the premier, Atter of Cleheaton.
08:13I'm sure they're in here somewhere.
08:16Oh, it looks like the den of the great wardrobe spider.
08:23Hey, Norm, can you smoke up here?
08:25Only your own.
08:27Oh, well, I'll wait, then.
08:28Look, you can see it's claw marks.
08:30What?
08:30The great wardrobe spider.
08:33You can see where it's lured helpless pieces of furniture through that door hole
08:38after having first stummed them with a bite in the main arterial dovetail joint.
08:44Huh?
08:45Ah!
08:45Spider-Man!
08:47No!
08:47Ha, ha, ha, ha!
08:48Ha, ha, ha, ha!
08:55Ha, ha, ha, ha!
08:59Yes, well, can we get on searching now?
09:02It's a half set of clubs in a stout leather bag.
09:05Talking of a stout leather bag, where's your landlady?
09:10Well, she, er, she goes once a week to have her hair set in concrete.
09:15Most of this stuff is hers.
09:17I should hope so.
09:20Well, of course you will find my monogram on some of the better pieces.
09:24COD?
09:25Yes?
09:26Corporal Oliver Dewhurst?
09:28No.
09:29Hey, Nob, who was giggling?
09:33Who was this?
09:36I'm, of course, grateful for the usual high standard of assistance and support that I've come to expect from you
09:42two.
09:43Let Corporal Dewhurst breathe all the dust.
09:45Let him do all the work.
09:46It's my back.
09:48Oh!
09:49Oh!
09:52Now, look, she looks just like Nora Batty.
09:55All then that she stays, Nora, my back is something terrible, honestly.
09:59Here we go again, the phantom back.
10:01You know, his slipped disc must have cost this country enough in supplementary benefit to buy a nuclear submarine.
10:08Look at that expression.
10:10Now, you don't tell me that that ever needed liberating.
10:14Oh, that brings back memories of Mercer Matrue.
10:17Was that her name?
10:20I wonder how many games have been played on that in the corporal's mess.
10:24Quite a number, I would judge, going by her expression.
10:28Hey, look what's in here.
10:31Will you come out of other people's drawers?
10:34Oh, you great pill!
10:35You literally have my finger off, sleep!
10:38Very nimble on your feet, aren't you?
10:40Oh, well.
10:41Oh, hey, look, look, look.
10:44Any one for tennis?
10:46That's just what I want.
10:48I don't think it'll go very well with your wellies.
10:50Oh, just let's try.
10:52Oh, they're here.
10:53I knew they were here somewhere.
10:55All right, old clubs, help is at hand.
10:58Oh, Nora, that is definitely you.
11:01No doubt about it.
11:03I don't know what we're going to do about your wooden leg, though.
11:05Never mind.
11:07Never mind, sweetheart.
11:09You shall go to the ball.
11:11Ta-da!
11:11Ah!
11:15Will you stop messing about?
11:18Turn that thing off, will you?
11:19Here.
11:21Now then, I'll show you a trick or two.
11:23Oh, that's very good, Foggy.
11:26Oh, yes, we like the first fridge.
11:28Now, you see, you couldn't buy a set of clubs like these these days, you know.
11:34Fashioned by craftsmen, these were.
11:42You know, some fools had these near the heat.
11:54Do you think I could get round with these?
11:57You make a good job of it, and they'll all want one.
12:00The hills could be full of the sounds of strong men twisting their mashy nibblicks.
12:09There we are, love.
12:10There's your change.
12:11Did you enjoy that?
12:12Good, good.
12:13You will come again, won't you?
12:15Tell your friends what it looks like and everything.
12:17Now, find yourself pressing that row, won't you, love?
12:18Yes.
12:19Bye-bye.
12:43Well, all this unaccustomed activity deserves some comment.
12:47I mean, every other time I come in here, it's like you've got rigor mortis.
12:51Oh, very humorous, love.
12:53My only fear was that one day we'd have to bury you with your elbows still on the counter.
12:58Lex says that marriage is two people sharing a bathroom.
13:04Like they do in prison.
13:06Mind you, I'm not saying I haven't seen you move briskly before.
13:09There was that memorable occasion when you lowered your idle fat butt on my hot plate.
13:15I thought I'd just clear up a bit earlier, that's all.
13:18Oh, this is going to be good.
13:23Let's hear it then.
13:25Why?
13:26Why?
13:27Why?
13:29Well, er...
13:31Why should we be tied to a rigid timetable?
13:34I mean, man's not a machine, he's a creature of impulse.
13:37Ah, and that Sarah Gladiel's got your finger marks to prove it.
13:40That's the trouble with you women.
13:42You expect every day to be the same.
13:43But the spirit of man will not be confined in any merciless routine.
13:47I mean, look at Gorgian.
13:49Gave a good job up in a bank to go and paint Dusky Maidens in the South Pacific.
13:53Hey, the mucky devil.
13:54No, it was just something he had to do.
13:56Well, you try laying a paintbrush on Sarah Gladiel.
13:59I'll break both your elbows.
14:03I don't think we'll do much this afternoon.
14:05Thought we might close up a bit early.
14:07Oh.
14:08I could take the van, you know, and collect them spuds you've been wanting from Morris'.
14:15Liar!
14:17Alright, I'm going to pick Mrs. Gladiel up.
14:20I'm going to turn the van into a portable place of pleasure.
14:22You're going golfing with them three lunatics!
14:25I heard you arranging it!
14:26Oh!
14:48What do you mean?
14:53I'm going to take the van right into a little piece of pleasure.
14:57What's the deal?
14:58I'll have to throw them out there, which is what you will do.
15:06Yay, you!
15:10I'm going to take the van right now.
15:10Oh, twinges of cramp in the calf.
15:15It's the disability feared most by all virtuosos of the bicycle.
15:19I thought you were struggling a bit coming up that hill.
15:22I almost thought for a minute that you were going to get off and walk.
15:26Oh, it was just an idea I had.
15:31It makes you wonder at the divine purpose
15:34when there's all this fleshy padding at the back of your leg
15:38and run round the front where you need it on the shin.
15:43Hey, look at this lot.
15:49Fancy being up for municipal rape and finding that lot on the jury.
15:55They say that Hitler's bodyguard was composed almost entirely of lady golfers.
16:01Did it?
16:02Ah, where the hell is he?
16:05I bet he's sneaking in some practice with them curly clubs.
16:08Oh, he wouldn't do anything onto hand or dishonourable.
16:11Foggy's the kind of old-fashioned idiot who wears his cock-ups on his sleeve.
16:15Well, here comes the cock-up now.
16:28What's the matter with you two?
16:29Have you been drinking?
16:31Oh, God.
16:33They're going to show me up in front of the Tory party at play.
16:36Hey, old.
16:36It's fancy dress day.
16:38You would have thought anybody going that far would have put a red nose on, wouldn't you?
16:43Yes, well, you've not spent too much time in selecting a suitable sporting outfit, have you?
16:47I changed my jacket.
16:49Yeah, I'm trying to work out what it is you've changed it for.
16:51This is my sporty jacket.
16:53I wear this at Donkester Racy.
16:55Here.
16:56You can carry these.
16:58I want you to hide behind them.
17:01Never a look in your direction.
17:02I want to see plenty of golf bag and very little you.
17:08He's made you his caddy.
17:10Oh, Ty.
17:11He's got to give you a tip.
17:15Garrick Player gave his caddy all his winnings.
17:18He's not going to win anything.
17:21If you do it for a penny a stroke, by the end of the day, you'll be able to pay
17:25off the national debt.
17:27LAUGHTER
17:36How are the greens?
17:41I can tell you, I'm not going to carry this lot around.
17:44Watch out!
17:45What are you doing?
17:47That's what you should have, one of them.
17:49Oh, where's Big Mouth from the cafe?
17:52There's no point in starting without him.
17:54I mean, he's not the kind who'd take a gentleman's word for the score.
17:58I don't want some time.
18:00Just a moment.
18:02There we are.
18:03Get back.
18:05Look at that shirt off.
18:07What is it?
18:08What's wrong?
18:09What is it?
18:09Get off.
18:10Yeah, great, did you?
18:11You've got me arm in me pocket now.
18:14LAUGHTER
18:15I suppose they think we're related.
18:17Uh-oh.
18:25What are you doing?
18:35Good afternoon.
18:40Oh.
18:42Keep him out of here.
18:44Shh, shh, shh.
18:45Shh, shh.
18:46Shh, shh, shh.
18:48Don't do anything.
18:50Don't say anything.
18:51Just take your cue from me.
18:55Sit down there.
18:57Now, sit down there.
19:05Let your take that revolting hat off.
19:08Now, while I'm at the bar, don't move.
19:10If you stir a muscle, I'll slice both your ears off with a four-eye.
19:15Now, oh, chuff, what are you drinking?
19:18I'll have a pint.
19:21You'll have a half. It's not a blasted filling station.
19:25And when you get it, try to drink it without getting froth all over your face.
19:28You don't get froth on Natchwater.
19:30Keep your voice down.
19:33He's got a voice rougher than his chin.
19:37Ah, good day to you, steward.
19:39Thank you, sir.
19:40We'll have three halves of your sparkling ale, please.
19:43One each for us and one for our caddy there.
19:47Hey, oh, Henry Cotton.
19:48If I've got to stay in this steaming jungle, can I have a packet of monkey nuts?
20:02There's been a source of embarrassment to me all day.
20:05The humiliation.
20:07All I wanted was a bag of rotten nuts.
20:10He's given you a bag of clothes.
20:12You can't have everything.
20:13Then the Lord appeared and said, I am the Lord by God.
20:18Whereupon they frowned upon him, and of much displeased, saying, Oh, yes?
20:23And what's your handicap, then?
20:26Look at him.
20:27Just look at him.
20:30It's what you'd expect if you tried to summon up a small, evil spirit at midnight in an Oxfam shop.
20:34Well, I bet there's some rabbit's road here.
20:38Of course there is.
20:39And they're all very house-prone.
20:41Every hole's got a little number on it.
20:43I wish you'd pay attention to Foggy when he's insulting you.
20:47You can't insult him.
20:49I'm sure you could if you asked him nicely.
20:51You could if you asked me nicely.
20:53You could insult me.
20:54Go on.
20:54Go on.
21:26Shut up.
21:27Well, what a performance.
21:39Hey, I saw a rabbit.
21:42Shut up.
21:43I saw a rabbit.
21:44Shut up.
21:44There.
21:45All right.
21:46I'll miss this one.
21:47I'll move on.
21:48I'll start at the second.
21:49No, no.
21:50Don't apologize.
21:52Who's apologizing?
21:53I'll give this one a miss.
21:55Well, that's a bit of kind of you.
22:02Sorry about this.
22:05Hey, that were a book rabbit.
22:07I swear to you I was about that beak.
22:09That's a pony.
22:11Oh, what about that beak?
22:13You've forgotten your ball, sir.
22:17Ball, sir.
22:19And you, sir.
22:26Oh, well, we'll return them to him when we pass him on his way back.
22:29They're too expensive to lose.
22:31Well, the shop here pays a shilling for everyone you find.
22:35A shilling.
22:36A shilling.
22:37A shilling.
22:37Oh, you can forget that.
22:38Those are going straight back to their owner.
22:44A shilling.
22:46A shilling each.
22:47It's noticeable how impressed you've suddenly become by the game of golf.
22:58Oh, the hell's he going to hit it with, then?
23:01You'd be better off with a stick of rhubarb.
23:04Oh, my God.
23:33There, sir.
23:42Oh, my God.
23:50Oh, my God.
23:52Oh, my God.
23:53You're freezing this thing.
23:55You can't stand it up.
23:57Hey, you're...
23:58Oh, my God.
24:02Claire.
24:03there she goes this is all coming back to me well I keep in the score then that's one
24:12oh where's frog face I'll trust him to be absent in my moment of triumph where's he
24:18gone after that blasted rabbit I shouldn't think so not without help according to his
24:23measurements it was four foot high
24:51I'm getting the hang of it now you know but it's all a question of compensating for the curve of
25:13course 43
25:45I won't count that one.
26:12I've hit it, I've hit it, I've hit it, I've hit it, it's gone for miles, you, come on then
26:18chaps, get up, come on, on your feet, on your feet, follow me, come on, hop the fairway.
26:42Oh, look, there it is.
27:02Now get your bargain balls here, four feet, I'll tell you, four feet, that's all they are, here we are,
27:08sir, half a dozen, thank you very much, I'll tell you, you won't buy balls like this anywhere else, they're
27:13only slightly soiled, there's hardly a mark on them.
27:33You've moved my balls.
27:48All right, all right, you've made your point.
27:52Only the middle classes could take this seriously.
27:56Well, I'd better be off, otherwise you'll really think I've turned the van into a portable place of pleasure.
28:00See you, see you.
28:01Ta-ra!
28:02Well then, poor Roger, well, can't see if you can get on then.
28:12Drinks are on me tonight!
28:14All the bars are closed by now, except in downtown Majorca.
28:20That man, hold that lamp still.
28:25Dewhurst never gives up.
28:26No.
28:40No...
28:42...
28:45...
28:54...