- 2 days ago
Last Of The Summer Wines S01 Ep6 Hail Smiling Morn Or Thereabouts
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00:00I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
00:30Oh, wait, wait! Come back, Mrs Bartridge! It wasn't meant to be rude!
00:35I was just trying to demonstrate the intensity of this...
00:40Ho-hoi!
00:49You know, if ever one of those came up in the middle of the North Sea,
00:53there'd be an international incident to decide who was entitled to stick a flag in it.
00:57Ah, come on, let's go call on, Clay.
00:59Just a moment, just a moment. I'm studying contrast and tone.
01:03I used to exhibit myself, you know.
01:05You mucky old devil.
01:08In the 14 Field Signals Regimental Camera Club,
01:11I won the Mrs Colonel Langford OBE Award
01:14for my interpretation of the soldier's farewell at F-11 in 1 60th of a second.
01:19Of course, the equipment has improved since those days.
01:23Mine hasn't.
01:25Marvellous what you can do with a close-up lens.
01:27Well, hurry up and do it. Let's go and get Craig.
01:30You've no cultural interest at all, have you?
01:33I've got my ferrets.
01:35Did you ever take advantage of the Army's further education schemes?
01:39Well, we had this Army film show once about social diseases.
01:43Me mate fainted.
01:46But it's all a lot of rhubarb, isn't it?
01:48Look at this.
01:50A tacky bit of wood.
01:52Who wants to take a photograph of a lump of wood?
01:54That is a study in texture.
01:56Get over.
01:58I bet that bloke had a dolly bird sitting on there.
02:00So what?
02:01And he kicked his shutter and she fell off.
02:04You've no idea.
02:05No idea at all.
02:08Hey.
02:13Hey, look at this here.
02:16September mode.
02:18Well, it must have some appeal for you, looking at it close enough.
02:21Yeah, but you can't believe it, can you?
02:23Two skinny tarts punching about in a fog.
02:26That is not a fog, you uncouth member of the proletariat.
02:29That's a mist.
02:30Fingers of autumn mist.
02:36That's a fog.
02:38That is mist.
02:40Moody, atmospheric mist.
02:42And that's a dewy meadow they're wandering through, not a slag heap.
02:45Feet?
02:45Yeah, feet must be filthy.
02:46Oh, well, they are now.
02:49Which?
02:50Hm?
02:51It was just a friendly gesture, Mrs Partridge.
02:55D. H. Lawrence would have understood it.
02:57I should hope so.
02:58He'd soon be in trouble with them Arabs if he didn't.
03:02I wouldn't hurt you for the world, Mrs Partridge.
03:04But you must understand this urge to...
03:06This urge to touch each other
03:08comes from the depth of evolutionary time.
03:12It's not where it comes from, Mr Wainwright.
03:15It's where it was going that worried me.
03:20Well...
03:21I'm glad to see she's marking your card again.
03:24Hei.
03:24Ha, ha, ha, ha!
03:27moon
03:34Ah!
03:35Come on now, be prepared to hold out.
03:38Oh dear, he's got one gig.
03:40Now this, nice smile.
03:45Lovely.
03:46I'm all in favour of boys' enthusiasms. It keeps you young.
03:50Where would you be without Mrs. Batty and your ferrets?
03:53Yeah, little devil bit me last night.
03:55Not in front of her husband, I hope.
03:58I'm talking about me ferrets.
04:00I don't think you meant Mrs. Batty somehow.
04:02You know, I must get a light meter.
04:04I should get a heavy one. You'll pay more, but it'll last longer.
04:08So let's go in.
04:11There you are.
04:23Come on in, we'll have coffee.
04:25Ah, just my fancy.
04:27Two sugars for me.
04:30You know, in the right hands,
04:32the camera is an instrument of expression.
04:36Hey, give us a faggot of pose for thee,
04:38me wellies and garters.
04:40Hey, dear.
04:42It's an uphill struggle trying to educate him.
04:44It rarely is.
04:45Just the same at school.
04:47Look.
04:50Fast asleep at every poetry lesson.
04:52Old Fergie would hardly get through the first line
04:55of Irvus down to the sea again when
04:57he'd already gone.
05:00Well, I do ask you more now.
05:01You are?
05:02You once took her on that cold strip from the Black Bull.
05:04Who?
05:05Oh, with the big glasses and always full of beer.
05:07Ah, that one more in our greaves.
05:09How much could she sup?
05:11I don't know.
05:11I can never afford to find out.
05:13He, dear, he has been out with some rubbish.
05:16Why don't you write your memoirs?
05:18Because I haven't finished living them yet.
05:20You must be joking.
05:23Who do you think's going to fancy you nowadays
05:24apart from Hammer Films?
05:26I do as well as they.
05:28And it's no use flashing your camera about.
05:31Princess Margaret's not going to come round again.
05:33She'd never get on with his landlady.
05:37You've got to get somebody that's compatible.
05:39Ah, sir.
05:40Shares your interests.
05:41In my opinion, Cyril,
05:43your being married to Princess Margaret
05:45would have severely restricted your freedom of movement
05:47in places like Francine Jessop Sandpit.
05:50I never went near Francine Jessop Sandpit.
05:53What's all this, I'll tell you, Rode?
05:55Came across it in the shed.
05:56I never realised you'd been out camping.
05:59We only used it once.
06:01It took me months to talk her into it.
06:02I'd just read The Last of the Mohicans
06:05and I was desperate to practise me woodcraft.
06:08What did she make of it?
06:10Ah, it was a disaster.
06:11You know how it is.
06:13Few mature married women
06:14have the taste for playing Indians.
06:16Oh, I don't know.
06:17I think Nora Batty would enjoy scalping him if she could.
06:20She fancies me.
06:21Well, she disguises it superbly.
06:23Well, she has to.
06:24She's a married woman.
06:26It's all right, all this women's lib.
06:28But they're never really going to be like us, are they?
06:31Not till they've learnt how to fall in love
06:33with railway engines, postage stamps, ferrets.
06:36Where did you go for this return to nature?
06:39We had one night in a field
06:40just off the East Lanks Road.
06:42She insisted on maintaining a lifeline
06:45to all the public amenities.
06:47There was I thinking in terms
06:49of the uncharted wilderness
06:51and this bloke comes through
06:52and dumps an old mattress
06:54and the innards of a slot machine.
06:56You do get some eathens about.
06:58Fancy folk doing a thing like that.
07:00You can get good money for scrap these days.
07:03So much for your concern for the environment.
07:06It was in prehistoric days
07:08before insecticides.
07:11There were still flowers about.
07:13A bit sooty, but game.
07:16I picked her this handful of cowslips
07:19and took them back to the tent.
07:21She took one look at them
07:22and burst into tears.
07:24She was touched.
07:25She was furious.
07:27She came at me wielding this compass friend,
07:29a combination tool with a hundred uses.
07:31What happened?
07:32Count your guess.
07:33She found the 101st.
07:47She was always ugly, then.
07:53It's overexposed or the lighting's terrible.
07:56Who took it?
07:57I took it, for better or worse.
07:59And it was never worse than in that field.
08:01She just didn't look at home in a field.
08:04She sat there in her best navy coat
08:07and her chapel hat,
08:08pining for her draining board.
08:10I pointed out a passing curlew
08:12and a huge tear trickled down her cheek.
08:15She wept all the way home,
08:18softly,
08:19in between playing roasting hell with me
08:21for expecting her to eat baked beans with a spoon.
08:24When we got home,
08:25she drank a scalding hot cup of tea
08:27and papered a ceiling.
08:39Stealthily,
08:40this must move like a phantom.
08:42You two are more like a tandem.
08:44I'm trying to capture
08:45the savage struggle for existence
08:47that goes on at this level.
08:49You want to sit in Amy Gorton's shed.
08:51I hope you know this is going to
08:53the crease of my trousers.
08:54You've got about a million creases
08:56of them trousers.
08:57How about green flowers?
08:58Probably got those as well.
09:00To you.
09:01Do you want to photograph green fly?
09:04Not really.
09:05They're a bit too listless.
09:06I'd prefer something more aggressive
09:08like a beetle.
09:09Hey, you.
09:09He's fearless this like that
09:11whited off of you.
09:13Caterpillar.
09:14Is it foreign?
09:15It's like an old English sheepdog.
09:18Ah, now then.
09:19That would make an interesting study.
09:22I don't get too close.
09:23It's a lab you'd have got
09:23a wicked set of teeth.
09:24Oh, look, do keep out of my life.
09:26Oh, I can't bear to watch this.
09:27If I've ever seen anybody
09:28moan by one of them,
09:30moan me.
09:30Moan me.
09:31Just moan me.
09:31Ah-ha!
09:54Ha!
09:56Ha-ha!
10:14I don't know.
10:27Oh, my God.
10:59Why, are you always trying to humiliate me?
11:02It's me, Obby.
11:03I shall never forgive you for being drunk at Grandad's funeral.
11:06Me? Why pick on me? The only poor devil saw booze your grandad.
11:10Oh, you liar. You know my mother doesn't drink.
11:13Oh, no, she never buys any.
11:15Oh, very witty. Three pints of ale and you think you're Jack Benny.
11:19Oh, I'd just like to have a bit of fun.
11:20Fun? You and your jokes.
11:22Sometimes I could just bury my head.
11:25Funny you should say that.
11:26Why don't you, then, if that's how you feel, then?
11:29Oh, yes.
11:29You want to know, all I just did was to have a couple of jokes.
11:32Oh, what jokes? Did you see that?
11:34There was nothing wrong, man.
11:35It was filthy.
11:37Hey, let's have some of it wet for the greater crested tit here.
11:43We didn't do nothing else about that.
11:44I don't care what you say.
11:45I speak up. We can't hear you in the forties.
11:49Oh, it's you.
11:50Well, come and help yourselves. You're not paralysed, are you?
11:54There'll be a welcome in the hillside.
11:59There'll be a welcome evening.
12:03Oh, promises, promises.
12:05What a couple of teases.
12:06Yeah.
12:08What was she like, see, before the murder?
12:10Yeah, she was a bit thinner.
12:11Just as nasty.
12:12I've no excuse, really.
12:13Oh, it was romance, was it?
12:15It was her mother.
12:16Huh.
12:17You never heard such a fuss, just because I got her daughter drunk on the works out.
12:20She said I'd had my way with her, you know, because she was sick on the bus.
12:23Two barley wines.
12:24I've been paying for them ever since.
12:27So, she's right, Sidney.
12:28If you got her drunk for your own evil purposes, you should rely on judo like a gentleman.
12:34You are?
12:35Should I tell you what she got from me that day?
12:36It was a loan of me best, ain't she?
12:38Get off.
12:39I bet he's a raving monster, this one.
12:41No latter be safe with him.
12:42At Mabel thought, where could you go?
12:45Anyway, how would I have you could flatten all four of us with one hand doing a baking?
12:48Ah, she's a nurse, that is that.
12:51How would you know?
12:53Your own experience has been confined to the oddest assortment of females outside a women's
12:57lib demonstration.
12:58Only yours looked like that before women's lib was invented.
13:01Oh, ha, ha, ha.
13:03And what about Molly Pepper?
13:05You never got near Molly Pepper.
13:07Oh, and I could think what the likes.
13:09She wouldn't be seen, Deb.
13:11She married a university lecturer.
13:13Well, don't hold that against her.
13:15Anybody can make a mistake.
13:17Go on, let's have a giggle.
13:18Tell us what there was between you and Molly Pepper.
13:23Shit, let's have a bash at the currency bone, will you?
13:26You see, in a nutshell, she couldn't resist his silvery tongue.
13:30Ah, ha, I knew where she had a mole.
13:33No scruples, you see.
13:34It even slandered a poor girl's name.
13:37The fact she was secretary of the Young Conservatives goes for nothing.
13:40Hey, get on with it.
13:41Where did she have a mole?
13:42On her front lawn.
13:43I killed it for her.
13:46How old were you then?
13:48Twelve.
13:50I thought we'd make a go of it, but she were frightened of me, fairy.
13:55Oh, I don't know how you can stand the pace.
13:58Think on it's your darts club tonight, remember?
14:01Don't be lifting them pages all by yourself.
14:04Ivy, Ivy, Ivy.
14:05Ivy, I owe for a currency bone.
14:07Well, bloody pay for it.
14:09We're not on Diners Club here.
14:12Hey, you, I want to speak with you.
14:13What?
14:14Now, miss, what's this?
14:15What do you mean by making coarse public comments about our love life?
14:18What do you mean, our love life?
14:19Well, I'll not have you broadcasting what goes on in our bed.
14:22Broadcasting what goes on in our bed?
14:24Why are you going to get her in on the telegram?
14:25Oh, and whose fault is that?
14:27Well, it's not mine, is it?
14:28I mean, I'll give you a nudge regular enough.
14:29Oh, that's it, is it.
14:30A dig in the ribs and the smell of your beardy breath loves young Jane.
14:33Just think.
14:34And I'll stimulate...
14:34Some folk don't have a wife to care for them.
14:47I'm convinced of one thing, Mrs. Partridge.
14:50It's the real thing this time.
14:52I should hope so, Mr. Wainwright.
14:54Else we oughtn't have been doing what we have been doing in our lunchtime.
14:58You are happy, aren't you, Mrs. Partridge?
15:00Oh, yes, Mr. Wainwright.
15:02I'd do anything for you, Mrs. Partridge.
15:04Will you make sure there are no leaves in my ear?
15:07Oh, I do hope I'm not covered in pollen.
15:10You get, say, fever.
15:11I shall have to mow the lawn when I get home,
15:13and then if you start sneezing, I can blame it on that.
15:17I think it's wonderful that you prepare to mow the lawn because of me, Mrs. Partridge.
15:22It makes another bond between us, like...
15:24like modern poetry and the new statesman.
15:27I don't like the four-letter words.
15:29That's only to shock the bourgeoisie, Mrs. Partridge.
15:32When the revolution comes, there'll be no one to shock anymore.
15:35We'll all use four-letter words.
15:38There'll be no more hypocrisy.
15:41It's too difficult to spell.
15:43I've just done me face, Mr. Wainwright.
15:46You do understand why me conscience won't allow me to go all the way?
15:51Oh, yes, I understand, Blastit.
15:53And I respect you for it.
15:55Only...
15:56There was no need to elbow me where you did, Mrs. Partridge.
16:01I can't take a hint, you know.
16:03I am sorry, Mr. Wainwright.
16:05I didn't know about that zip in your inside pocket.
16:08I didn't realise you were just putting your glasses away.
16:12As long as we're together, Mrs. Partridge.
16:15As long as we can go on.
16:17Going nearly all the way.
16:20I don't know about nearly, Mr. Wainwright.
16:24Oh, oh, oh.
16:45We're going to have to pack it in, Cyril, this lurking-about lark.
16:50We're either going to get arrested or assaulted.
16:53Or even educated.
16:55I didn't know they came here.
16:57I expected a pair of nesting chaffets or something,
16:59not a brace of librarians.
17:01Once you realise they're cavorting,
17:03it's too late to move, isn't it?
17:04Oh, my foot's got to sleep.
17:05And he'd put it to sleep, your feet.
17:07If you want to photograph something,
17:09then pick something that we're not going to be accused of peeping at.
17:12Something neutral.
17:14What about the sunrise tomorrow morning?
17:18I'm not getting up early in morning.
17:20We don't have to get up for it.
17:22We'll be out there waiting for it.
17:25We'll sleep out there somewhere upon the hill, eh?
17:29We use the camping gear.
17:31Use the tent.
17:33You've got a sleeping bag, Cyril.
17:35I've got two.
17:37Drowsy summer night.
17:39Smell of grass.
17:53Oh, dear.
17:55Ah!
17:56I've done it something!
17:57I've done it something!
17:58Will you get that joke out of my face?
17:59I can't see when I'm looking.
18:01That's a sight I shall always remember.
18:03The wet look comes to long, John's.
18:05Oh, I do hope there's nobody in here.
18:07Suppose this is inhabited.
18:09I was just getting comfortable in that gate.
18:11I think you were.
18:11You had three quarters of it.
18:13It's really quite unexciting, isn't it?
18:15Water trickling down your neck.
18:17No wonder rich folk don't go in for it.
18:20Ah!
18:20What's that?
18:21What's that?
18:21It's a bearish.
18:22Look, will you shut up?
18:23You're getting me nervous.
18:25Put the gear down here.
18:27It's dry down here.
18:28Oh, dear.
18:29It's not done before.
18:30Oh, dear.
18:31What a place to go to bed in.
18:33We'll make it comfy in a minute.
18:35Now, what we want is a fire.
18:36Now, get some sticks and stuff, eh?
18:42There's Boris Karloff round here somewhere
18:44plugging into all this free electricity.
18:48Just turn the lamp up
18:49so that we can see ourselves in our midsummer splendour.
18:53Oh, Barbie's summer night, he says.
18:56That chap were about as waterproof as my left sock.
18:59It was all right in 1947.
19:02Oh, smell of grass, he says.
19:04All we get is the smell of steaming longjohns.
19:07Yeah, it should remind you of that September board.
19:11Would you care to smoke?
19:13There you go.
19:14Are you losing your grip?
19:15It's my turn.
19:16Your turn three years ago.
19:18He's done.
19:20Do we light it or have it inscribed?
19:22Ah, kick it, Nick.
19:24I bet this goes back or something up the way down.
19:26Come on, let's get the fire letter.
19:28We'll hurry up, Uncle.
19:29Get some more sticks.
19:32Put them in the middle, eh?
19:33Oh, look, there's more water dripping right in the middle of it.
19:37Clean over.
19:42It's all right, is this?
19:44I knew I was cut out for camping all them years in the lino department when I could have been
19:51out here under the stars getting pneumonia.
19:56Hang on, just before we turn in, I'd like to take a photo of this.
20:00It's the poscarity.
20:01Oh, no.
20:01Not a dollar.
20:02Oh, I can't.
20:03Oh, my cake and snap.
20:04Yes, boy.
20:05Come on.
20:05I'm trying to keep my cake and snap for work.
20:06Just get me camera, Justin.
20:08Oh, I'll keep the film with you with that camera.
20:10It's not the same, me.
20:11It's a bit much embarrassing.
20:13Have you got enough light?
20:14I could use a flash.
20:15Right.
20:16Not that sort of flash.
20:17Put your leg down.
20:20Well, hurry up, I'm breezy.
20:23Oh, Cecil Beaton could have taken six by now and gone out and bought a new hat.
20:28Right, hold it.
20:32Right, let's get turned in.
20:35Oh.
20:39Well, there's nothing to stop us now.
20:42We can go where we want.
20:45I'll bet when we're feeling really reckless, we'll travel anything up to five miles away.
20:51Oh, not to Maple Fork, but about City Caff.
20:54Oh, there's hundreds of places you can go.
20:56There are out here, I've just been.
21:01You can have some harrowing experiences travelling.
21:05Do you know that if you go a few miles in that direction, you're liable to finish up in Lancashire?
21:10Well, you could come out again.
21:11I should hope so.
21:13But if you take the wrong direction coming up, where are you next?
21:17Wales.
21:18Ah, but there must be some kind of warning.
21:20There isn't.
21:21You could be there in all innocence.
21:23Unless you happen to hear the rustle of dry lettuce and a hymn or two.
21:28They should rope it off like all in the road.
21:30Well, you don't have to stop there.
21:32I mean, you could go right across the seas.
21:34All right, and then what's the first place you bump into?
21:36Ireland.
21:37Dodge City with Guinness.
21:44He's got a lovely set of teeth, sir.
21:47His mum used to feed him on ginger snaps.
21:51Don't forget, all got to get up early in the morning in case the sun decides to penetrate
21:55that evening monsoon cloud.
21:58Heh!
21:58Barmy summer night, he says.
22:00Well, I'm not a photo fanatic, so don't start knocking me up early.
22:03One out, all out.
22:05Crack of dawn.
22:06You can be fairy godmother, Cyril.
22:08Brew up in the morning.
22:10The tea's at your elbow.
22:19Right.
22:20Good night.
22:21Good night.
22:23Good night.
22:34I am not listening.
22:36I have withdrawn into the deep recesses of Hindu meditation.
22:42And you.
23:02Nearly dinner time.
23:04I know, my bellies will bleed.
23:05I do not wish to know that.
23:07I was supposed to photograph the sunrise.
23:10Yes, I, uh, I meant to talk to you about that, Cyril.
23:14Eh?
23:15Would you settle for a sunset?
23:22We'll, uh, we'll leave that lot, Ernie, if you send it down on Clapper's van.
23:28Campus breakfast, eh?
23:29No, it gives you an appetite, this outdoor keeper.
23:32That's your sixth bag of crisps.
23:34I have much in crisps, is it?
23:36Well, the way you eat them sounds like the Durham Light infantry
23:38marching on thin ice.
23:40Me mam used to like them with cheese and pickles.
23:42The Durham Light infantry, I never knew that.
23:44Oh, crisp, you duck, bomb cake.
23:48Fastest marching pace in the British army, the Durham Light infantry.
23:51Ah, going forward, baby.
23:53But me and Ginger Carrington were going faster when we were deserting.
23:58You're a disgrace to the colours.
24:00Well, he were worried about his wife having a baby.
24:02He knew if he never got home, she'd never have one.
24:06What were you doing on this dubious expedition?
24:09Oh, you and me, mate, we did everything together.
24:12He's a bigger liar than Godfrey's parrot.
24:14Ah, yes, but he's had more advantages than Godfrey's parrot.
24:17Ah, I've been looking that way.
24:18No more than you deserved.
24:20Duh.
24:21I think I've got just about half a roll left.
24:24I wouldn't say that, Cyril, if the right woman comes along.
24:28Film I'm talking about.
24:30Well, I want me to do some time, go to film's.
24:33We ain't been to flicks for ages.
24:35Oh, they're all bum and bosoms nowadays.
24:38Cowboys ain't.
24:39Ah, but if they were, wouldn't the history of the West have been different?
24:43I like a good cowboy.
24:45He's still got this yen for the wide open spaces.
24:48You've only got to look at his underpants to see that.
24:51We should go to Huddersfield.
24:52Which is notorious for cowboys, as everybody knows.
24:56To Huddersfield, film's.
24:57Well, get the cowboy on.
24:59I've heard enough rattle of gunfire listening to you eat them chips.
25:02Well, it's better than they click in the shutter.
25:04Photography is an art form.
25:06What?
25:0833 shots of a caterpillar's landing gear.
25:11He must be tolerant of people's foibles.
25:14He's no idea.
25:15No idea at all.
25:17Oh, I don't mind people's foibles.
25:19But 33 close-ups of a caterpillar's foibles.
25:24Come on, get it down, hurry up.
25:25Go on, Ernie.
25:26All the best, Ernie.
25:35It's not a bad day now, Cyril.
25:37Drew, what are we going to do with it?
25:39I want me dinner.
25:41Well, it can't take all day, even you.
25:44Let's build a flying model aircraft.
25:47Oh, no, that's boring.
25:49No, they always crash last go.
25:52Well, now we've finished with aeronautics, let's do something else.
25:57Here, give me a hand.
26:03One of these days I'm going to paint Mrs. Batty.
26:06What colour?
26:07On paper, you silly son.
26:09That's who he reminds me of, too, Lou's law track.
26:12Who's he when he's out?
26:13The painter.
26:14A decorator?
26:15Does he do murials?
26:17Does he do what?
26:18Murials!
26:19Pictures on walls.
26:21Little's the garrison does murials.
26:23There's nothing like setting yourself a target.
26:26Eh, he did one on this chip shop wall.
26:28There's another novelty.
26:29In Huddersfield.
26:30A mermaid and six addicts.
26:32Very moving, I'm sure.
26:36I bet John Wayne ain't always clicking his shutter.
26:39No!
26:40Let's hope he's quicker on through
26:41than someone I could mention
26:43when losing control of his undergarments.
26:45It's all right up here,
26:47but you do miss the refinements of life,
26:50like Rachmaninoff and plumbing.
27:23And I'll see you next time.
27:23Amen.