- 1 day ago
Last Of The Summer Wines S04 Ep1 Ferrett Come Home
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00:48I don't know why you speak to him.
00:50You know, he insults me.
00:52Ask him to show you what he does from that bedroom window
00:55with them binoculars you lent him.
00:58I don't wear a blouse.
01:02Don't you turn your back on me, Wally Batty.
01:10He leered at me.
01:11He's entitled to lear.
01:13Is that all you've got to say when a man lears at your wife?
01:16I can only marvel at the quirkness of his teeth.
01:21Ah, but that's got use to her, Wally.
01:25Familiarity breeds contempt.
01:27To me she's a thing of mystery, an unknown quantity, a strange.
01:32Strange?
01:33It's funny you should say that.
01:35I'd like to know what you're plotting,
01:37you two out there with your heads together.
01:39We didn't want to bother you with it.
01:41Look, I'll come back when you're not doing anything.
01:44I'm not doing anything.
01:45Well, you keep poking Wally with that brush.
01:50Tell her.
01:51No, you tell her.
01:53Somebody had better tell her.
01:55Nora, that basket of whiter than whitewashing
01:58that has just taken off the line.
02:01What about it?
02:02We're out here a moment ago.
02:04You're taking it inside?
02:05Has that ironed it yet?
02:06What's that got to do with you?
02:08Just answer his question, woman.
02:10No, I haven't ironed it yet.
02:14Thank the Lord for that.
02:15I missed dinner to get her.
02:16Me windows are all steamed up.
02:18Why should you worry whether I've ironed it or not?
02:22Come back here, you!
02:29Tell her why I don't yet.
02:38Nora!
02:42Nora, when it does the ironing,
02:45when it puts the hand in the basket,
02:47if it comes out with a small garment
02:50trimmed with fur,
02:52look at it before you iron it.
02:55Why?
02:56One of my ferrets was headed in this direction.
03:03What?
03:03What's happened?
03:05Don't you get a paper!
03:06That man!
03:07Oh, that man!
03:09Can you understand any
03:10I don't you will be rushing about like that?
03:12Yes!
03:15Well, I do.
03:20Go on, you lazy slut!
03:22Go on, get out of it and keep out!
03:24Oh, no!
03:25Go on!
03:26You're probably worse than school kids!
03:28You'll make me tired!
03:36That!
03:37Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on!
04:08A paper napkin.
04:10What?
04:11I would like one of your softest paper napkins, please.
04:15Three cups of tea between three customers and you want a napkin?
04:18Not just a paper napkin.
04:20With egg and chips, you get a paper napkin.
04:23What do you mean? You've got a rule.
04:24You've got an inflexible system governing the issue of paper napkins.
04:27You can't run a business without some system of stock control.
04:30Yeah, but in other places, you don't even have to ask for one.
04:33They've got them there and a glass on the table.
04:34You just picked one out.
04:35You should have picked two out and brought one with you.
04:44Funny things, Feet.
04:47If they were turned the other way round,
04:49we'd be able to stand much closer to walls.
04:54It's nice to be a toe cap, you see.
04:56Some fleeing idiot trampled all over the shine.
04:59Well, they nearly put their knee in my groin.
05:01Soldier's reflex.
05:02All right, they nearly put their knee in my soldier's reflex.
05:05That's it.
05:06Will you sit down?
05:07You don't have to draw us a picture.
05:08The fact that Feet are not turned the other way round
05:13suggests to me that part of the evolutionary plan...
05:17There are.
05:18Or the divine plan, if you'd rather.
05:20He never thinks about the divine plan.
05:22He wouldn't know what you were talking about.
05:26Well, he picks up things in his own way.
05:29Yeah, that's what wondered that store detective in Woolworth's.
05:31Well, it just fell into me pocket.
05:34You know how bag in my pockets are?
05:36Well, I could have knocked it off with me elbow.
05:38Well, I wouldn't have been surprised
05:39if you'd be knocking things off for as long as I can remember.
05:40No, will you please keep quiet?
05:42I'm trying to listen to what nobody's saying.
05:44Well, you're wriggling out of it now, aren't you?
05:46Shut the giggle.
05:50The implications of Feet in the evolutionary pattern.
06:01Where do you, where do you are, Doc?
06:04Look, drink your tea.
06:25Where do you are, Doc?
06:27I've forgotten.
06:30The divine plan.
06:31Oh, yes, yes, thank you, yes.
06:34Well, look, from the position of our feet,
06:37it is clear that nature never intended
06:39that we should fit snugly against smooth, flat surfaces.
06:45And yet the rectangle is all that we ever get from the planets.
06:50Now, when the archaeologists of the future
06:53dig out the remains of our buildings,
06:56they're going to be forced to conclude
06:58that all the inhabitants were composed of right angles.
07:04Yeah.
07:10Where do you, where you are, Doc?
07:14Well, personally, I find the modern bed inches too short.
07:18You never tried shortening your legs?
07:21Look, all I'm getting this morning is antagonism,
07:24first from Laura Batty,
07:25then from him behind the counter,
07:26and now from him.
07:27It's civilian fiction.
07:29There's none of the comradeship of army life.
07:32What's that talking about?
07:33Oh, the brotherhood of sharing danger.
07:36I suppose we could share a beef burger.
07:38There's no comradeship in the army.
07:40Of course there is.
07:41Get off!
07:43They'd steal the spit off your boots.
07:46Listen to him.
07:47The Huddersfield raffles.
07:50Comradeship, my RSM.
07:52What happens if the two armies get together here?
07:54What happens?
07:55They start knocking hell out of each other.
07:57Now, walls come to an end.
07:59But what terrifies me is,
08:01how do you stop the beef burger?
08:04You realise there are generations growing up
08:06who think that meat really tastes like that.
08:11Well, at least you get a napkin.
08:13My host over there refuses to part with a paper napkin.
08:17With egg and chips, you get a napkin.
08:19I used to leave them on the table, didn't I?
08:22Four clean white paper napkins
08:24and a glass on every table.
08:26What happened?
08:27People started using them.
08:30Liping things up with them
08:32and scrunching them into little balls.
08:34Must live like pigs, some folk.
08:37There's no class.
08:50Oh, close your mouth.
08:52How can you win your yard?
08:54It's never necessary to open it that wide.
08:56If this was a battlefield,
08:58they'd have two men and a brain gun in there.
09:00It was a good night that night.
09:02Oh?
09:04I had a few people in.
09:06You did?
09:08Like who?
09:09Like three policemen.
09:11I had this idea I'd be that poachy.
09:20When you blink,
09:21can you see little bubbles in your eye?
09:26No, all right.
09:27There's not much you can do with them anyway.
09:31Every time I blink,
09:32I can see them three policemen in me eye.
09:35Serves you right.
09:37He had more beats on his notebook
09:39than I have my pheasant.
09:42Pardon?
09:55Don't upset the woman.
09:57I'm not looking for Nora.
09:59I want their Wally.
10:00See if he's found my penit.
10:01Greater love hath no man.
10:03Why don't you keep the damn things
10:05under control?
10:07They're wild little killers, you know.
10:09Not like your hairy fairy guinea pigs.
10:13Must be about the only thing
10:15that's never gone up.
10:16What is?
10:17The guinea pig.
10:20Wally!
10:21Come on!
10:22Then, of course,
10:23with the urge of politicians
10:24to get rid of everything British,
10:26even the word guinea
10:28has to become 105p.
10:33Wally!
10:34Hey, up!
10:34Wally!
10:35What kind of a name is 105p?
10:39Sounds like a geriatric malfunction.
10:44You come away from me.
10:46You're making more noise
10:47through that litter box.
10:49I were only whispering.
10:50Whispering?
10:52Have heard quieter bayonet charges.
10:58Stuff.
11:05Quiet a bayonet charges.
11:08When's he ever heard a bayonet charge?
11:10Oh, chopping corporal side rider.
11:20I could just see his lot
11:21advancing through the smoke of battle
11:24with the sunlight glinting
11:25off the end of their pen nibs.
11:31Look at him
11:32flapping his arms
11:33for a vertical take-off.
11:35It is essential
11:36to take advantage
11:37of every bit
11:39of natural cover.
11:49with the influence of a man.
11:52See you later.
11:53There you go now.
11:55roughly
11:55there you go.
12:00It's yummy.
12:01Yeah.
12:09Don't tell you.
12:11Oh, no!
12:12Yes, please!
12:14I'm sorry, madam!
12:16Will you stop?
12:17Sit down, sit down!
12:19Oh, don't you show your face again!
12:23Oh, people!
12:24Oh!
12:27The woman is totally unreasonable.
12:30Ah, but so sexy!
12:33You mean there's something about that
12:35combination of evil temper,
12:38wrinkled stockings and hair curlers
12:40that you can't resist?
12:42Oh, there is!
12:45Well, she certainly made an impression on Foggy.
12:48Yes, the woman is totally unreasonable.
12:50And what is more, she did it while
12:52he was taking advantage of every bit
12:54of natural cover.
12:56Well, I think you might have warned me she was creeping up
12:58behind me. I took it for granted
13:00you were performing the duties of a mobile rearguard.
13:02Oh, we were very mobile, Foggy.
13:04I don't think you could fault us on mobility.
13:06Well, I think that kind of behaviour
13:08is very, very civilian.
13:11I suppose it's living next door
13:13to her all these years.
13:15I've got used to her little moods.
13:17From nasty to atrocious.
13:19You've got a photograph of Nora Batty.
13:22Ah, borrowed our kids' camera.
13:24She didn't want to have a photo, too.
13:30I think she's shy.
13:33Yes, the Waffen SS were very similar.
13:38Oh.
13:47That's the thing I'm in love.
13:48I think at our age, the most you're likely
13:50to be in is a draught.
13:53It's very improper of him to talk like that.
13:55The woman is married.
13:56Only to Wally.
13:59That's not like having a proper husband.
14:03That's more like keeping a lame whippet.
14:07I mean, she still feeds him regularly.
14:10But she knows she's not going to win anything with him.
14:14I hope he were faster getting to my ferret than she were.
14:16I'm into that.
14:18I mean, as much as I admire Nora Batty,
14:21I don't think I could trust her with the welfare of my ferret.
14:25Why, George, it's the stuff of classical romance, isn't it?
14:29Aye, it's very moving, seeing him sitting there,
14:31torn between passion and animal husbandry.
14:35Passion?
14:35How can you feel passion for a scold like Nora Batty?
14:38Why not?
14:40Well, not to put too fine a point upon it,
14:43because she's ugly.
14:45True.
14:46Well, what else?
14:48Isn't that enough?
14:49Well, hardly, Foggy.
14:51Most women are ugly.
14:53Are they?
14:53Well, of course they are.
14:55That shows you how much notice he takes.
14:58The big fairy.
15:01Our life dedicated to the martial arts requires certain sacrifices.
15:06It's like a call to the cloister.
15:08That's more like an oyster,
15:10the way they clams everything shut whenever a woman appears.
15:13Yes, the military man has to forgo the pleasures of the domestic hearth.
15:18And very often the married man has to forgo the pleasures of the domestic hearth.
15:22In fact, marriage can be one of the quickest ways of forgoing them that there is.
15:31Now, what do you offer?
15:32Shh.
15:34Sometimes when she leaves Wally alone on fatigues,
15:36me and him have a way of getting in touch with each other.
15:40The old wall telephone on the ear, you see?
15:43That part on the ear, this part on the wall, like so.
16:10I see the inflated prices paid for the French Impressionists are going down.
16:17I should think so.
16:20Funny how the visual arts reflect the cultural changes much more clearly than the writing on the local urinal walls.
16:29Which does seem to have changed all that much since I was there in short trousers.
16:32When I was painting regimental badges on regimental doors,
16:36I was never conscious of the need to be innovative or revolutionary.
16:41Oh no.
16:43Tradition is everything on army doors.
16:44Rather like icon painting.
16:48Byzantine.
16:49Hmm.
16:50Very interesting.
16:51Of course, I can read the walls higher up these days,
16:55but it hardly seems worth growing up for.
16:59One's work improved, of course, but always within the tradition.
17:05The great influence in my day was acting Sergeant Painter Moffat.
17:09A man very demanding in respect of his curly hues.
17:13He overdue it by so much as an extra trefoil or crock it.
17:17And his sensitivity was such,
17:18he was liable to whop you straight up the crutch with a three-foot ruler.
17:41Suppose he's not there.
17:42Where else would he be?
17:44She keeps him on a very tight ring.
17:53What are you tapping down there for? He can't be there.
17:55I've reached him here before.
17:57What was he doing down there?
18:00I don't know.
18:01Didn't you think of us?
18:02Look, if he wants to spend his time down here, that's his affair.
18:07That's Wally.
18:08George is down there again.
18:12How do you know it's Wally?
18:15Well, who else would he be tapping down here?
18:18The Count of Monte Cristo.
18:20He said, if I give him three long and two short like this,
18:27that means I want to see him.
18:29And he'll nip round as soon as he's finished whatever he's doing.
18:34That's Wally.
18:35But that's it.
18:36What is he doing?
18:37Well, I hope he's found me ferret.
18:39But he's going to bring it round.
18:40Bring it round.
18:41Oh, an unconscious ferret.
18:45Hello, Wally.
18:54Perhaps he can throw his tap.
18:58Pardon?
18:59Well, some people can throw their voices.
19:00Perhaps he can throw his tap like a ventriloquist.
19:03He knocks at the window and it sounds as though it's coming from the pantry.
19:06That must take years of practice.
19:09Oh, now where's he gone?
19:12Oh, he's just checking on her.
19:14If she's busy in her back's turn, he'll be back here in a minute.
19:17The damn fella pops up all over the place.
19:19I'm surprised she misses him at all if he spends all his life on the floor.
19:22Why should he spend his life on the floor?
19:23Yeah, my point exactly.
19:24But that is where the tapping was coming from, isn't he?
19:29I go, Wally.
19:31All right, I think if he'll stop leaping about screaming.
19:33Screaming?
19:34Keep your voice down.
19:36She'll hear you.
19:37He's very excitable, isn't he?
19:39Excitable?
19:40Wally, has the broccoli ferret?
19:41I'm not excitable.
19:42A fairy idea me excitable.
19:44Very good again.
19:45You can't spend weeks under heavy shell fire without developing nerves like Sheffield steel.
19:49I always get lost in Sheffield.
19:50Yeah, promise us, promise us.
19:51If he's got nerves like steel, what does he start screaming for when a bloke comes up behind him?
19:57Oh, come on now, Wally.
19:58We've all had anxious moments while queuing for foreign films.
20:02You shall never creep up like that behind a trained soldier.
20:05Shh!
20:05I think I can hear her.
20:07What, be very...
20:08Had I had a weapon, I wouldn't have been answerable for the consequences.
20:11It may have sounded to civilian ears like a scream.
20:14Talking of anxious moments, do you remember Thorogood from Oswald Street?
20:18Thorogood nearly went demented before they could cut him out of that zip fly.
20:24She wasn't a scream.
20:26It wasn't a scream.
20:27It was the...
20:28It was the trained fighter's instinctive battle cry.
20:31There were several volunteers, but he wouldn't let a stranger anywhere near him.
20:35The bayonet charge, for example, is accompanied by a kind of...
20:42Even in the depths of his agony, Thorogood insisted that they sang for a workmate who was working at the
20:49time.
20:50It sounds quiet, but I'd better not stop.
20:53Just a minute.
20:54Just a minute.
20:56Where is she?
20:57Baking.
20:58Me ferret.
20:59Why should she be baking your ferret?
21:03Wally, where is me ferret?
21:06Upstairs.
21:06What is it doing upstairs?
21:09A dark flaming thing.
21:10Why'd you let it go up there?
21:12Listen.
21:13That's a free wild spirit that's got there.
21:16It's not what I'd call obedient.
21:18It's more like stupid.
21:21Biz, it doesn't surprise me.
21:23I'm only too willing to believe that his livestock will be in an untrained and unruly condition.
21:27Conquers.
21:29You're conquer.
21:30I congratulate you, monsieur, on the condition of your conquer.
21:34You don't encourage him.
21:36Hey, listen.
21:38I think, Wally, that you have made a right muckle of looking after my ferret.
21:42No, no.
21:43The missus made me flush it.
21:45What?
21:45You don't mean to say she's busted.
21:47No, no, no.
21:48From out of the clothes basket.
21:51Have you ever tried flushing a ferret out of a pair of WX flannelette knickers?
21:57It can be very nasty and all that elastic.
22:00Molly?
22:01I think you've done all that anyone can.
22:03Rubbish!
22:04Well, you're the fool that let her get loose.
22:06No man who is stone cold sober should be asked to tangle with a pair of WX flannelette knickers.
22:12I see the top up, but it shot up one of the legs like smoke from a musket.
22:16Straight upstairs!
22:18Right, that's where we're going upstairs.
22:20Come on, fetch it.
22:21Upstairs in daylight?
22:22I don't go upstairs in the daytime.
22:26Oh, she'd think that were very sinister.
22:29What possible excuse could I give?
22:32Could you go for a lie down?
22:34Lie down?
22:35If I'm standing up, I don't stop moving.
22:39Listen, I'll have to be getting back.
22:45How am I going to get my ferret?
22:58Come back, that man!
23:01I'm only going to peep.
23:03Oh, le peep!
23:05I congratulate you, monsieur, on your peep.
23:08Peep-peep!
23:10Look, we have to wait for Molly's signal.
23:32No, well, I think that for now they've done that very well, considering the, the, the, the, the, the, the,
23:38the, the, if you can get the lads on, er, on this, you know, there's a bit, er, and chip
23:41it out with a, er,
23:42cold, and then mix some, er, in a, in a pocket, and, er,
23:49See, you can't sneak in for your ferret until you get his signal.
23:53And we can't just hang about here looking suspicious, you know.
23:56We've got to have some sort of cover story to explain our being here.
24:01Some simple rules in, in case Nora sees us.
24:05We're waiting for somebody?
24:06Then why wouldn't we wait in your house?
24:09No, no.
24:10No, it's got to be something simple, but plausible.
24:13Like your Ernie.
24:15Oh!
24:17I've got it.
24:18Well, it'll be the first time for years.
24:21We are looking for something.
24:24Oh.
24:26Aye, my ferret!
24:28Has that just woken up?
24:30Oh, no, something else.
24:33Well, perhaps we're looking for inner peace and things of the spirit.
24:39Sorry.
24:41Yes, well, see, if people see us just standing here, it'll look suspicious.
24:45But if we are looking for something on the ground...
24:48On the ground?
24:50Yeah.
24:50Yes, well, then the situation will explain itself,
24:52and people will pass on by without a second glance.
24:59Well, come on, then, join in.
25:04We're all going to have the same story.
25:07She's got to be something small and difficult to find.
25:10Like your first mortgage.
25:14A contact lens.
25:16I've lost a contact lens, you see.
25:18Very, very tiny.
25:20No, you mean you can't go much and about flat-footed.
25:22I mean, they won't bear treading on.
25:23No, no, you've got to tiptoe.
25:25Well, I know what so much.
25:32dichless stop.
25:40I'll go for another one.
25:42You have two, brother.
25:49Look from images...
25:50Man...
25:50Don't go wrong.
25:54Well, we can get up.
25:55It looks like his strange dream.
26:00Right. She's in the kitchen.
26:05What are you looking for?
26:07Out!
26:11It's a contact lens.
26:14You have to be careful how you tread because they're very fragile.
26:16She's got small things.
26:17It's a bit.
26:23Don't be stark and dozy beggar.
26:26You're supposed to be letting me in to get me ferried.
26:28No! We've got to give him a hand to find his contact lens.
26:47Oh, hi!
26:58What?
27:01What?
27:02What?
27:04What?
27:06What?
27:09America?
27:10America!
27:11America!
27:17Ha, ha, ha.
27:55I'll do it, Charlie.
27:59No, it wasn't there, Charlie.
28:00That was there, Eric.
28:03Well, there's not much to go by.
28:07There, Eric's got thicker ankles.
28:10You just made that up.
28:21Here, wait a minute.
28:23Don't they live in the next street?
28:28Oh.
28:37Well, I'll do it right there, Eric.