- 15 hours ago
Last Of The Summer Wines S03 Ep4 Cheering Up Gordon
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00:27Piano music
00:30I don't know.
01:07Answer the phone, Foggy.
01:09In the jungle, I could have crept up on you and cut your throat from ear to ear.
01:14Come on, wake up, man. It's a beautiful day outside.
01:18It's not unpleasant in here.
01:30Don't pull that lever! Don't pull that lever!
01:32What lever? Oh, come on, man, what are you talking about?
01:35What have you got that sheet round your neck for?
01:37Have they gone?
01:38Has who gone?
01:38Them Chinese.
01:41Well, that's the right side on the fire escape with your ferrets, yes.
01:44The last thing I remember, they were leaning on me chest trying to put this noose round me neck.
01:49Oh, that's pretty unusual for ferrets.
01:53You've been dreaming, man. Look at your bed. Look at the state of it. It looks like Liberace's shirt front.
01:59That's the last time I set foot in a Chinese chippy.
02:03Well, I warned you last night, didn't I, that no good would come of gorging yourself on bamboo shoots.
02:07I mean, to a trained soldier, bamboo is not for eating. It's for sharpening to a point and sticking up
02:12your enemy's fingernails.
02:14Oh, shut up! I've come to Scarborough to try and enjoy myself.
02:19Come along, Bob.
02:20Oh, please. Here we are.
02:22No, look, we don't want them in here. Get out!
02:24No, don't. They smell to hide. Don't put them on my bed.
02:27All right, sir. I've got to give them their breakfast. What's the matter with you?
02:30Shoot.
02:31I've got to give them their breakfast.
02:32Come along, my little lovelies. Here we are. Sweet and sour and mushy peas.
02:40Get them, my God. Get them!
02:41Oh, I've got to give them their breakfast, you...
02:44I know, I've got to smack them.
02:48Come on. Don't worry, don't worry. I know what'll clear your tubes for you and set you back on your
02:53feet with every nerve tingling with the glow of health.
02:57A swim before breakfast.
02:59Oh, God.
03:00Oh, very well. I'll go by myself, then.
03:03Hey-oh. This should be good. We'll come and watch.
03:07You've got a real flair for stupidity, Foggy.
03:13No wonder we used to have an empire.
03:16We used to have a different dome and all.
03:19I was talking about the British Empire.
03:22Oh.
03:23No wonder at all when we can breed fearless idiots like Foggy here who'd go to any lengths to impress
03:30the natives. I think it's lovely.
03:34I don't know what you're making all the fuss about. In any regime of physical fitness, a dip in the
03:40early morning is perfectly routine.
03:43In the North Sea.
03:44In the North Sea.
03:44There's a lot of people swimming in the North Sea.
03:46Only if they fall off a boat.
03:49Turn your popsicles blue.
03:53What are you talking about, popsicles?
03:56Sounds like a frozen lolly.
03:58No, he'll be like a frozen lolly at North.
04:00Oh, my uncle Fortnum used to swim every morning in one of the coldest rivers of North America.
04:26You must have cost him a bit in bus fares.
04:30No. He lived there amongst the moose and the caribou.
04:34The what?
04:35Very tall ferrets.
04:38What are we going to do about your smuggled ferrets?
04:41We're going to feed them, water them and give them plenty of exercise.
04:45Well, I'm not exercising the blasted things.
04:47Now, don't get stroppy, Foggy. Otherwise, I could end up showing the wrong side to folk.
04:53Oh, ah!
04:55Just keep that towel up and eyes to the front.
04:58And you.
05:00I mean, our very idea, you know, bringing ferrets into a respectable boarding house.
05:04I couldn't leave them alone to starve, so shut your cake off.
05:08Don't get your eyes to the front.
05:09Oh.
05:10Oh.
05:12Oh.
05:12I don't know who you think you're kidding anyway, all this getting undressed.
05:15I'll bet he doesn't go out any deeper than his ankle.
05:19I shall cut the water like a knife. It holds no terrors for the Anglo-Saxon.
05:24No, no, there's spiking blood, you know, in these veins. You notice the blonde hair.
05:28No, my ancestors. My ancestors could go for a thousand miles in an open boat wearing very
05:34little more than a few bits of carpet.
05:37Your Harold used to dress like that all the time.
05:40Well, they sailed into this bay on numerous occasions. They probably landed at this very
05:46exact spot where we are standing and then rushed off to do their looting and raping.
05:51It sounds like your Harold.
05:55No, we had to pack it all in since he's hurt his back.
06:00Lifting something heavy, was he, like a security drill?
06:03Well, it's quite obvious that you're looking forward to this swim, Foggy. You're, uh, you're
06:08coming out from little tiny goose pimples of pure happiness.
06:13Well, I assume we'll put a stop to that by doing a quick sprint into the sea.
06:16Oh, no, don't, Foggy.
06:18Nonsense, nonsense is that sudden initial shock and then a marvellous feeling of well-being.
06:23Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
06:40That's a trouble whistle for. They won't listen.
06:43I suppose he's had that sudden shock that he was on a bug.
06:48So this must be that feeling of well-being.
06:52Marvellous!
06:54Oh, he has enjoyed it.
07:07He's feeling better now. You should have heard his teeth whacking on the way home.
07:12We're like a spin-dryer full of marbles.
07:16It's very invigorating.
07:18What? We had to massage the leg before they could walk.
07:22Such a tramp, that's all.
07:24I must admit it, there's very pleasant out there.
07:26All them summer greens and blues and that was just his left leg.
07:32Right, what are we going to do today, then?
07:33I'm going fishing.
07:35Oh, that'll make a change. You've got a good seven days a week at home.
07:38No, no, this is sea fishing.
07:40Oh, what a novelty.
07:41Come with us, Gordon.
07:43What about thee, Nora?
07:46Shall we steal away? Just me and me.
07:49Oh, are you going to sit there while he insults me?
07:52No, I thought I'd go and have a look at the lifeboat.
07:58Just while he insults you.
08:00What?
08:02They fascinate me, the lifeboats.
08:05Well, I want to go to the zoo and marine land.
08:08So what are you going to do, then, Wally?
08:10I thought I'd go and have a look at the zoo and marine land.
08:15It fascinates me, the zoo and marine land.
08:20Where are you taking me?
08:22I thought I'd keep it as a surprise.
08:23It took it all.
08:25What about thee, oh, great white leader?
08:28Where are they taking us?
08:30Oh, great white leader.
08:32Hey, oh.
08:33He's having a little think.
08:35Oh, great white leader, leader, leader, leader.
08:41What day is it?
08:42Well, we only got here Saturday, so this must be Sunday.
08:45Ah, yes, Sunday.
08:47See, the day set aside for worship.
08:50Right, church parade.
08:51Church!
08:52Look with his hands trembling now.
08:54Well, it's just that when you come on holiday,
08:56the last person you expect to see is the Lord.
08:59I suppose because he doesn't advertise as much as Max Jaffa.
09:05Yeah, anyway, there's an excuse for going when you're at home.
09:08I mean, there's no cells open.
09:12What's up with you, love?
09:13Off your food.
09:15He's thinking about religion.
09:17Oh, heck.
09:22What did you tell her that for?
09:23She'd think I'm weird.
09:25Why should anybody think you're weird?
09:27I'm sure everybody brings his ferrets on holiday.
09:48I'm terribly sorry, but you cannot bring your ferrets into my church.
09:54You'd care if they'd been ordained.
09:56You'd care if they'd been ordained.
09:57Out, out, out!
09:59Oh, Paddy, I've got a stuffed-up-y jumper.
10:01Look!
10:02Look, they won't get away again.
10:06Listen, I'll be hot-marine-dry fishing.
10:09Oh, I bet you'll be late to go and knock
10:10and I'll give these two little frisky devils a bit of a gallop.
10:13Oh, come on, now.
10:15Foggy and me aren't really frisky little devils.
10:21I've never been so humiliated in all my life.
10:25Oh, don't say that, Foggy.
10:27We've still got nearly a whole day to go.
10:31Does the record this thing's safe?
10:34It's not the north face of the Iger we're descending, is it?
10:38Of course it's safe.
10:40Then what are you clutching me arm for?
10:56Oh, God.
11:01He thinks he's a U-boat, Commander.
11:04Foggy Von Dewhurst.
11:06I like it.
11:08I'll sink him without trace if he catches those furry little hooligans out again.
11:11They've got to have a bit of exercise.
11:14That's not what the vicar thought when he saw them climbing up his Riridos.
11:18Well, he no need to swipe them with an in-book.
11:20That's very Christian, I must say.
11:22He couldn't have been nastier if he'd been an atheist.
11:25You'll be sorted out on the Day of Judgment, ferrets and all.
11:28There'll be one or two witnesses there from the National Assistance Board
11:31and a few very tricky questions asked.
11:33I was prepared to work if they found me out suitable.
11:36Oh, yeah.
11:37How many vacancies do you think there are for Poacher to Racko Welsh?
11:42I told them what I wanted to be.
11:44What?
11:44A big game hunter.
11:46I kept filling in the forms, but it didn't seem to get me anywhere.
11:49You're typical of your sort, aren't you?
11:52All left to go big game hunting as long as it can do it round Huddersfield.
11:56Well, there are quite a few native settlements these days on the banks of the Eyre and Koldo.
12:02Don't have to go on so far, they would.
12:04Provided the council provides them with a free bus and gets them back in time for bingo.
12:09Hey, what a lick.
12:11Oh, get off of me.
12:13You know what he's looking at through them glasses, don't you?
12:16That old lass over there in the brown hat showing her garters.
12:20I'm trying to identify that shape on the horizon.
12:23That's what I told you.
12:23The old lass in the brown hat showing her garters.
12:26It happens to be Gordon, who is gazing very forlornly into the sea.
12:31You know, I think that lad wants cheering up.
12:35They say that our ancestors came out of the sea.
12:39And yet I have this strange feeling that my grandad came from Wakefield.
12:46And Granny would never have married him if he'd been wet.
12:50She was that sort of a woman.
12:52Everything had to be respectable.
12:54There was this unspoken assumption that nice people had no legs.
13:03Did they have fags?
13:05You know what they handed round to people?
13:08What couldn't reach theirs?
13:09Because their sleeves were too long.
13:12Yeah, you rotten lot.
13:27Come on, boys and girls.
13:28Just a little bit of a show.
13:30How do you do, Cooper?
13:34And down we go.
13:35What are you sitting about with a face like that for?
13:38It's the only one I've got.
13:39You can alter it.
13:41It doesn't have to look like a crepe hangers map.
13:45You're not going to a funeral.
13:46No.
13:47With my luck, I never will be.
13:52You're determined not to enjoy it, aren't you?
13:55You talk yourself into being miserable.
13:57No, I don't.
13:58I just have to listen.
14:02Get off.
14:04I don't know what people must think.
14:06You're on holiday.
14:07Not really.
14:10You'd have come by yourself then, I'd have been on holiday.
14:15Remember that smashing fortnight when you had to go and nurse your mother?
14:25That's how I like to see you.
14:28Come on, give her a nice round of applause.
14:30Well done.
14:48I love you, Dominique, he said.
14:50His eyes, burning like hot coals, looked deep into her own.
14:55She gasped at the touch of his strong but gentle hands.
15:00In the moonlight, she traced the contours of his face with her finger.
15:05The blood raced through her veins.
15:09His lithe body moved next to hers.
15:19A thousand magic sensations shivered through her.
15:23What must it be like?
15:25The joy of waking in the morning to find him there.
15:29There, sleeping by her side.
15:32This was her man.
15:35She reached for him.
15:38Gently.
15:39Gently.
15:45Oh, blood.
15:49What's up?
15:52Talk to me.
15:53What?
15:55You never talk to me.
15:56Not even when we...
15:59Well, you know.
16:00Oh.
16:01Not even when we make love.
16:05Not much to talk about, is it?
16:06The right we go at it.
16:10You still do it as if your mother's watching.
16:14It's you.
16:15You're not thoughtful enough.
16:18Thoughtful enough?
16:19I do far more thinking about it than actually getting it.
16:23Oh, that's your fault.
16:25You should try and...
16:28You should try and rouse me more.
16:32Well, as you know, you're playing roasted owl in the old days, it is.
16:36Well, you'll shut up shouting.
16:38That's all you're any good at, barging in with two feet.
16:42It's the same when you get that look in your eye.
16:45I always know when you feel like messing about.
16:49Messing about?
16:50Well, that's a lovely way of putting it, isn't it?
16:52That puts it straight on a high spiritual plane, doesn't it?
16:55Oh, where do you put it with your smart, sophisticated, romantic approaches?
17:00I'll get a smack across the backside,
17:02a dig with your elbow,
17:03one boozy wink,
17:04and that's supposed to throw me senses in a world.
17:08Yeah, that's a waste of time trying it gentle.
17:10Do you remember what you said to me last time I tried to give you a squeeze in bed?
17:13Will you keep your voice down?
17:16Not quite, but something very similar.
17:21I don't think Gordon's really wild about this.
17:25I don't know.
17:47Oh!
17:48Oh!
17:49Oh!
17:50Oh!
18:04I don't think Gordon's too wild about this either.
18:08Gordon! Gear up, Gordon!
18:10Gordon!
18:38Oh, no!
18:42Oh, Gordon! Still looks bored.
18:45It's your loneliness.
18:46Those of us who've been called to military command know all about loneliness.
18:50No, I said they were only a corporeal.
18:53Well, if I'd taken a commission, who would have finished painting the ten-foot regimental badge on the guardroom wall?
18:59It was all done freehand, you know, in defiance of every tradition.
19:03I have seen sergeants of regimental police fall silent in front of it.
19:10It was my Sistine Chapel.
19:12What your Gordon wants is a more active hobby, like daydreaming.
19:16What our Gordon wants is the pain and magic that comes in having a bird.
19:21Isn't it wonderful to think that you can transform your life by just going out and buying yourself a canary?
19:26Pain and magic?
19:28With the sort of woman you've had, what do you know about pain and magic?
19:32Do you mean big old ruse to twist your arm?
19:34Oh, they wish you wanted money.
19:37Romance is like that.
19:39Birds is wild and mysterious.
19:43Oh, a savage canary.
19:46Birds are certainly wild and mysterious.
19:49I've heard about that horrible thing you picked up at the labour exchange.
19:52Work?
19:53No, not work.
19:55There were the steel toe caps.
19:57Oh, that was Enda.
20:01I shall almost remember Enda.
20:04Well, cover yourself up.
20:13Gordon, your nose is red.
20:15If the car starts to queue up, you'd better find something green to wave.
20:20Oh, Gordon, put your rod down.
20:21We can see it from the window while we have a cup of tea.
20:24Come on now.
20:26Come on.
20:31Is the coat out?
20:32Free.
20:33I'll throw them straight back again.
20:35I like your Gordon.
20:37Do you ever get bored fishing, Gordon?
20:40You can't get bored with fishing.
20:43You're on edge all the time.
20:44Something could happen any minute.
20:46Ah, the cap could blow off.
20:48Or it could start to rain.
20:49No, no, no.
20:50It's exciting.
20:52It's man the hunter pitting his wits against little silvery waterproof ferrets.
20:57Instead of leaving them to their natural habitat of newspaper chips and peas.
21:03Aye, they're sometimes very cunning.
21:05Good.
21:07Has there ever thought about man the hunter pitting his wits against the female of the species?
21:12Ah, it's not always easy to tell whether the fish you've caught is male or female.
21:18You see, he's not talking about fish.
21:20He's talking about ladies in skirts, or in his case, steel-toed boots.
21:26She only wore them for work.
21:28Women, Gordon.
21:29You know what women are, don't you, Gordon?
21:31They're them what scream when they see you handling your maggots.
21:34Ah, bread man screams when he sees me handling me maggots.
21:36What, the one with the lace coughs on his nylon overall?
21:40Aye, that's the one.
21:41A bread man with lace coughs.
21:43Aye, on his nylon overall.
21:44Norman, Norman.
21:45It's a long story.
21:47Oh, well.
21:48I suppose they need effeminate bread men for people who like effeminate bread.
21:54Gordon, one of the joys of coming your way on holiday is that it gives you a great opportunity
22:00of meeting interesting people of the opposite sex.
22:03That is, if you're so inclined.
22:05I never know what to say to women.
22:07They never seem impressed.
22:09Ah, well, husbands can vouch for that.
22:11Gordy, sit down.
22:11Sit down, Gordy.
22:12Now, listen.
22:13You teach us how to fish, and we'll teach thee how to chat up the odd bird.
22:18And when he says odd bird, he does mean odd bird.
22:26You bring it back over your head with a gentle sweeping motion.
22:30Well, that sounds very similar to my favourite school of Japanese swordplay.
22:35Then you give it a quick flick.
22:36There's any expert at kendo who should be quite at home with this.
22:40Shut the giggle.
22:42I've got to drink it.
22:43And the width of the rod and the weight of the cast sends it snaking out for hundreds
22:48of yards.
22:49You'd better stand back.
22:51I don't know how far I'm going to throw it.
22:54Don't let go of the handle, else you'll have to go swimming for Gordon's rod.
22:57He'll soon pick it up.
22:59You'll see.
22:59It gets exciting.
23:23Right, is there, Gordon?
23:25It looks exciting.
23:26It looks exciting.
23:29I hope he sends us a postcard.
23:33I'd like to know what he's done with my rod.
23:36Well, I don't see why you're bothered, really.
23:37I mean, you keep on chucking them back, don't you?
23:40Hey, look.
23:41It's the old man from the sea himself.
23:44Well, well, well, where have you been?
23:46I've been down that disco.
23:47Oh, there's some lovely bits of stuff down there.
23:50You ought to get down there, Gordon, and sort yourself out a bit.
23:54I'm just getting comfy here.
23:55No, no, Gordon, you can overcome your shyness by pure effort of will.
23:59Or perhaps getting the little shtonkers.
24:02See, all you need is the determination to drink that drink up, get on your feet and go down that
24:06disco.
24:07And pick up the best bit of crumpet on the floor.
24:10Or even one that's still on her feet.
24:13You see, it is all in the mind, Gordon.
24:16Once you've made your mind up, you can do it.
24:20I don't know.
24:21Wrong you do know.
24:22So, Gordon, you can feel the determination flowing through the...
24:27Come on.
24:29That's it.
24:31Go, go, go, Gordon.
24:33Go, go, go, go, Gordon.
24:34Go, go.
24:35Go, go.
24:35Ha, ha, ha, ha.
24:36Hey, hey.
24:40That's marvellous.
24:41Well, it's just leadership, that's all.
24:44You know, I didn't go on the senior NCO's course for nothing.
24:49I didn't know you had to pay.
24:52Fancy saving up to be a corporal?
24:55I was officer material.
24:58Now, if the war hadn't come to an end as soon as it did, I'd have had a commission.
25:03Well, don't blame me for the peace coming so soon.
25:05I wasn't fighting all that hard.
25:07That's not what Nora Batty said on VE, mate.
25:12Come on.
25:13Drink up, lads.
25:13I'll get another round.
25:14It's my turn.
25:15I think you did.
25:15Duh.
25:17Oh, no, there's a chap just like you, Gordon, going up the road.
25:21That is our Gordon.
25:23Ha, ha, ha.
25:23His determination has faltered.
25:25Oh, dear.
25:26Oh, dear.
25:27I should have gone with him.
25:29Oh, very irresistible that would have been.
25:32A good mind to go out and pick him up about and take him back to the digs.
25:35Oh, it's not that kind of digs.
25:37Listen, I could pick up a lovely piece of crackly.
25:40What makes you think you could attract any female?
25:44Sit down, lads.
25:51Just watch the old master at work.
25:54Ah, I'm going to go home under a wandering sky.
25:58Ah, I don't talk much.
26:02Well, I used to be engaged to this big blabbermouth.
26:04I'm probably in the finest condition in all England to appreciate quietness.
26:08Er, it's your move.
26:10Oh, yeah.
26:14Er, is he back yet, your Uncle Bill?
26:17I thought he was with you.
26:18No, the little fool's gone off in search of, er, romantic interest.
26:22You can say women, Foggy.
26:24It's not a four-letter word.
26:27What's that dreadful noise?
26:29Er, er, this is Josie.
26:31Josie comes from Linley Street back home.
26:33Oh, disgraceful behaviour.
26:35How do you do, Josie?
26:36How do you do?
26:37We've, er, just started a, er, game.
26:39Oh, yes, yes.
26:40Oh, I think it must be a ladies' choir from a local building site.
26:45Oh, God.
26:46Look.
26:48Look, it's him, the horrible little man.
26:50Oh, man.
26:51Oh.
26:51Turn him out.
26:52Let's have him on the plane.
26:53Just the lining of your wallet.
26:55Hey, God.
26:56I'm...
26:58I'm founding a bird.
27:00Oh, er, this is Josie, Uncle Bill.
27:03Er, we're just playing chess.
27:04Josie, come here.
27:05Are they with you?
27:06I know, bloody coming, I'm not.
27:08I tell him, eh, yours is all right.
27:10Hey, you're so nice.
27:12Are we going to stay out here till close in town, then?
27:16Ah, you...
27:17You see, I had to tell him that we worked on an oil rig.
27:22Oh, not an oil rig.
27:23What do you mean, we?
27:24Well, I've got one for each of us, you see.
27:27We're going to have a door in.
27:29We're going to have a blue end on all.
27:31I think the time of Sunday will feed your belly.
27:33Good idea.
27:34No, no.
27:34Don't leave me.
27:35What am I going to do with four of them?
27:37The mind boggles.
27:39What is it?
27:40Yes, Dad.
27:41Don't you want to be the fun?
27:42I don't look good at anything, thank you.
27:44No.
27:45You rotten lot.
27:46Come on, Dad.
27:48Show us the little ball.
27:48Hey, listen, Gordon.
27:49Two apiece could be a bit fun.
27:51I want to show you a big suspender.
28:00Well, that's it.
28:01That's it.
28:02That's the last time I go out trying to pick up birds for you two.
28:05Thank heaven for that.
28:08Supposing they'd raped us.
28:09Fully clothed.
28:12Doesn't bear thinking about...
28:14Oh, I don't know.
28:17Anyway, it was a bit of excitement.
28:19Yes, something to remember.
28:22One of the joys of going on holiday is the opportunity of meeting interesting people of the opposite sex.
28:28They didn't mean any harm.
28:30Oh, well, you can go and tackle them if you like.
28:32But if I were you, I'd tell them it's a very small oil rig.
28:36A lighter fuel.
28:48Oh, well, you can go.
29:07Well, I know.
29:11I know.
29:24But if you like me, I'm getting on.
29:24Oh, well, you can go.
29:25Oh, well, I know.
29:28I don't know.
29:28Well, I know.
29:29I know.
29:30I know.
29:31Oh, well, I know.
29:34You