- 2 days ago
Last Of The Summer Wines S02 Ep6 Balland For Wind Instruments And Canoe
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TVTranscript
00:10Music
00:27Suppose this grass isn't damp
00:29I'll get a soggy behind
00:31Ah, set it down
00:32The bottom's waterproof, isn't she?
00:34True, otherwise cups of tea would come straight through
00:38You can't be too careful
00:39I've seen men delineous with jungle fever
00:42Hey-up, we're off again
00:44Even they're all fleeing in Burm
00:56Not much jungle round here till you get nearly to Leeds
01:01I'd like to see you lot try to make a camp in a mango swamp
01:05Hardship?
01:06You don't know what hardship is
01:08But you're going to tell us, aren't you?
01:19Bound for the poetic vision is the fear of lumbago
01:24We ought to swear an oath to be loyal to each other
01:27And reckless of damp grass for as long as we can
01:30Why don't we swear it in blood?
01:33Geez, I've had enough of that from you at school
01:35I remember your oath-taking ceremonies, you evil little monkey
01:39Talk about Mau Mau
01:40What I want to know is what you thought were likely to be the magical properties
01:44Of blood, ink, spit and cocoa
01:48It made they keep the distance so, didn't it?
01:50Wouldn't it be sad if you woke up and looked at a summer's day
01:54And your only thought was
01:55Oh dear, what now?
01:58Do I take one of me vests off?
02:08How do lads?
02:09Have you seen a canoe?
02:10What color?
02:19What color?
02:44Name's Arm Pepper
02:54Hmm...
02:54Very heavy
02:55You sure it's not an unconverted trawler?
02:57He's a right waggy syrup
02:59Oh, put your back into it
03:02It's like drinking inside a wooden submarine
03:04Well will you take your perish scope out to me ribs?
03:09Just what we needed. A brisk walk up a hill carrying the lifeboat.
03:13Are you sure his legs are touching ground?
03:16Right, swinger, stern round to port.
03:18I'd rather have a bit of myself.
03:20Chetly.
03:40I was going to do 30 miles a day.
03:43Come out at the umber, turn left, and go up the east coast as far as Whitby.
03:48What happened?
03:49I fell out.
03:51Were they not stable?
03:53How far had you come?
03:55A good three miles before it happened.
03:57What I can't understand is how the hell you came to be called Arnpepper.
04:02You've never heard of it, have you?
04:04Nobody else has either, but they're going to.
04:06You're going to put it on the map, are you?
04:09I am.
04:09I'm pig-sick of being a non-entity.
04:12It's got to stop.
04:13I can sympathise.
04:15I can understand the feeling of talent unrecognised and superiority unrewarded.
04:21But what can you do about it, eh?
04:23I don't care what.
04:25I'll have a go without.
04:26I mean, do you realise that my family goes back for donkey's years,
04:30and they've all been useless heaps?
04:33Have you ever heard of a famous Arnpepper, a yeller's like?
04:37We've never even heard of an Arnpepper nobody's ever heard of.
04:42We had a bloke called Killigrew in our mob during war.
04:46Oh, how very interesting.
04:48Very much to the point, I'm sure.
04:51What a wonderful sense of stupidity he's got.
04:54Well, I thought that was a very funny name.
04:56You know, Killigrew.
04:59Oh, good.
05:02See, my first target is the Guinness Book of Records.
05:05Well, you don't know where you are, William.
05:07I set to one weekend and scoffed 14 pounds of brawn and six of aslit.
05:12They wouldn't even consider it.
05:13You great goddit!
05:16What happened?
05:17Oh, don't ask.
05:19I daren't leave the bathroom till the following Wednesday.
05:23And the wife went back to her mother's.
05:24Even then, it weren't worth it.
05:26I was too bad to enjoy it.
05:27Ha, ha, ha, ha.
05:29Oh, sir.
05:30Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
05:34You don't fire them, don't you?
05:36Hey, will you keep your voice down?
05:39The rules of civilised behaviour require that we do not take the mantle out of a complete stranger
05:44unless it is quite clear that he is both timid and undernourished.
05:48Well, I wish him luck.
05:50I think he might just make it.
05:51We'll be able to say to them in years to come,
05:53we met Armpepper.
05:55Not THE Armpepper, they'll say, and we'll nod smugly.
05:58What was he like, they'll say.
06:00Really, quite barmy, we'll be able to tell them.
06:04You see, the trouble is, finding your true medium of expression
06:08it's not as lit and brawn, I found that out.
06:11See, I was going to let our Wilf drive over me in a small car
06:14in front of them from Luke North, but he can't even hit his own gatehole.
06:19And it's not canoes.
06:21See, I'm not canoe material.
06:23What are you going to do with it, that canoe?
06:26Now, take your pace from me.
06:29I've got the helm.
06:32There is he goes.
06:37Hey, up!
06:39A stern!
06:40Take her, a stern!
06:42I feel like a pantomime horse.
06:45Would you?
06:46Come on, hard to port.
06:47To port!
06:50That's it.
06:51I suppose, technically, at this point, we had a vehicle.
06:54Lord, I'm shanked!
06:56Oh, that's not a BX.
06:57Here, mind the window.
07:00Mind the window!
07:10Here, would you get there by my feet?
07:13How long have you been wearing make-up then?
07:15There's no paint on your walls.
07:17Oh, why'd we blaster that?
07:19Hey, why not wait till we get inside and then have your little mutilation?
07:23And it's him!
07:24Don't shove it!
07:25Don't shove it!
07:26Just ease it gently to starboard!
07:29Starboard?
07:30Hark at him!
07:31Ha ha ha ha ha!
07:32He thinks he's no job plastic.
07:34Forward!
07:35Bring him forward!
07:36Hey, where's your parrot then, eh?
07:38Come forward, Dad!
07:40Hey, I can lend you one of me ferrets for your shoulder.
07:44Couldn't we, uh, couldn't we, I mean, why don't we, why don't we just put it down?
07:48All right, move it to an arbor!
07:49Move?
07:51Backwards, you fool!
07:51Go on, put it down over there!
07:53Right!
07:54Go on, gently does it.
07:56Now, watch it!
07:56Watch it!
07:57Watch it!
07:57Take her a stern!
07:58On the lee side!
07:59Right!
08:00Sit gently now!
08:01Right, go, Elsie!
08:02Come on, nice then, look!
08:03Here!
08:04Right, go!
08:05Here!
08:05Go on, Elsie!
08:07That's it!
08:08Find me foot!
08:09Ah!
08:11Ah, well!
08:13If anybody's gonna trip over it, it might as well be Nora Batty.
08:16No wonder it wouldn't go in with left-handed Ludwig here!
08:23You know, I've almost wanted one of these things bunging up my kitchen.
08:27Why my house?
08:29Because it looks most like a shed.
08:33You know what they've got now, don't you?
08:36Thanks.
08:37Total mobility.
08:39No facts.
08:40They navigated Canada in one of these, brought coloured beads and plague to the Eskimos.
08:47The world's going crackers on wheels, and here we are, with the key to thousands of tranquil
08:53miles of British pollution.
08:55Well, our pepper didn't think so.
08:57Ah, but our pepper was too impetuous.
08:59You've got to have the knack.
09:00I mean, look at the way we guided it through that plate glass window, eh?
09:05Listen.
09:06Listen.
09:07I admit that I'm nobody's high-octane dream behind a wheel.
09:12Me revs are invariably sloppy.
09:13But even a mechanical idiot could paddle.
09:16Now, what we have just done, gentlemen, we have just acquired the ideal form of transport
09:22for our situation.
09:25Cast off.
09:30Well, it wouldn't do that in the water, would it?
09:34I mean, you've got to have faith if we're going to go on our little expedition.
09:39Eh?
09:41What little expedition?
09:44I mean, look at the possibilities for a little expedition.
09:49Mile after mile of waterway, we can get drowned almost anywhere.
09:54We can the way you tip it about.
09:55I capsized once on dry land, and straight away you've got me down as a nautical lunatic.
10:01Hey up, Felix.
10:02If we keep up the canals, the rivers won't come any higher than you are.
10:05Never mind where they can't come any higher than.
10:09You go and get three cups of tea, and then go and rest your head somewhere.
10:13Like a railway line.
10:16He's up again, long zone plastic.
10:19Aha, Jim lad!
10:20Ha ha ha ha!
10:22Oh dear, slinging his weight about.
10:25You see, even he recognises it, Cyril.
10:27Well, you're a natural for command a float.
10:29Command him?
10:30He couldn't command a ruptured rubber duck.
10:34He's only got one, I said.
10:35That's the size of his gob.
10:37Whose gob?
10:38His.
10:39Always.
10:39Hey, you talk about mine.
10:42Have you ever seen him eat?
10:43He's got a mouth bigger than the Splitted Labour Party.
10:47Only when I'm hungry.
10:48Ah, he can shift a bit.
10:49But me Uncle Wallace.
10:51Now, he could trough.
10:52Hey ho!
10:53I'm only small.
10:55I mean, he weren't everywhere.
10:56Be fair.
10:57Don't worry.
10:57We've still got faith in you.
10:59I still say pound for pound I were a bigger pig than his Wallace.
11:02And you've got my vote.
11:04Ta.
11:05Oh, well then, I'm sorry I said them nasty things just now.
11:08That's all right.
11:09Okay.
11:09You can't hold a candle to our Wallace.
11:11Why, they used to come from all over just to buy him chips.
11:14That could be said to be an infringement of his amateur status.
11:18He only does it for his own enjoyment, don't you?
11:20Ah!
11:21He practically stopped there, Rudyard's wedding.
11:23At the reception, everything went quiet.
11:26And they all just stood and watched.
11:28Oh, stop mourning on behind that counter.
11:31He can half-sling the fanny about, don't he?
11:33They've got the only wedding album I know of
11:35that doesn't show the bride and groom cutting the cake.
11:38Sure's our wallet's taking first bite.
11:41Oh, clap him!
11:42I tell you, if it comes to the biggest gob, he's got to be a contender.
11:45Oh, me?
11:47Right.
11:48Contestants will come to order.
11:49Right?
11:50A great challenge.
11:51Having been issued,
11:53contestants for the title of Mouth of the Century
11:55will compete in the centre of the ring.
11:58Hey, hey!
11:59How are we going to decide it?
12:00By who opens the widest?
12:03Err, calculated on a scientific basis
12:06by how much space remains around the edges of a meat pie
12:10when inserted in said mouth.
12:14I concede.
12:15Oh, sit down, Joey Brown.
12:17Now, listen, Norm.
12:19Don't you let him kid you that Izzy's smaller than it is.
12:22I am not staying here if we're only using one meat pie.
12:25Sidney, I want two more identical meat pie.
12:28They're all identical.
12:30I've got a reputation in this trade.
12:31I've learned one or two rumours outside of it, you know.
12:34Who's paying for these?
12:35Loser pays.
12:36One with the smallest mouth.
12:38That should encourage you all to try.
12:40Hey, well, they've been going to have names.
12:41He's Mr. Mouth, he's Mighty Mouth, and I am Odd Gob.
12:45Olympic rules.
12:47Judges' decision is final.
12:50Now, on the command go, you throw back your heads, open your mouths wide,
12:55and with one graceful athletic motion, half-insert your pie.
13:00Anybody who scoffs his pie off straight away is disqualified.
13:05Any questions?
13:07Yes, Odd Gob.
13:08Can we put any mustard on it?
13:09No, you cannot put any mustard on it, Odd Gob.
13:12Now, I don't want any elbowing or pinching.
13:15Let's have a good, clean fight, gentlemen.
13:17And the winner will receive the Norman Clegg alloy spoon for mouth manoeuvres,
13:22and will be entitled for the period of one calendar year
13:25to the honorary form of address, namely,
13:28Hey, you big mouth!
13:29Take your pies in your right hand.
13:31On your mouths.
13:33Get sick.
13:36Go!
13:43What the hell are you doing now, you great overstocked bird brain?
13:48Look at you, you're not right in the head.
13:50Have you gone bananas?
13:52You have, haven't you?
13:53You've snapped.
13:54You're going the same way as your Auntie Connie.
13:57There's no wrong with me Auntie Connie.
13:58Oh, then why won't she come out of the wash house?
14:01She's shy.
14:02Look at you, three grown men sitting there with your mouths open,
14:06like three stupid ashtrays.
14:09Have you done with them pies?
14:10They're not paid for yet.
14:11Oh, well, then they should be.
14:12You don't think I slave away back there so you can pretend you're Oxfam?
14:16It's all right, I'll get them.
14:17Oh, look at it.
14:19The Aga Khan.
14:21Well, the Aga bloody Khan, so pack it in.
14:25You know we're saving up for that mobile chip van.
14:27Now put these chairs stripped.
14:28What's that mat doing on that table?
14:30Then it's floor swept.
14:32You right the counter.
14:33Put on those windows.
14:34It is with great pleasure, Ivy, that I present you with the Norman Clegg alloy spoon for mouth manoeuvre.
14:43Get out!
14:50They're not paid for!
14:58They're not paid for!
15:01Well, fine and fresh morning, Norman.
15:04I think we shall have wind later.
15:06You're looking very north face of the Aga this morning, sir.
15:11I would never take anybody into strange country without the proper equipment.
15:24I don't know why we couldn't have made an afternoon of it.
15:28Have a steady paddle somewhere.
15:31I can see that we are going to have trouble over the lower deck.
15:34Well, I like to get up about opening time and saving my advantages over the working class.
15:40What's the good of being unemployed having to get up at this hour and muck about?
15:43Spirit that made our nation great, you see.
15:46If it hadn't been all like him, we wouldn't have colonised the Isle of Wight.
15:49Well, not until about dinner time, anyway.
15:52Now then, ha, ha, ha.
15:53I have planned a route that shows a variety of conditions.
15:59Among which exhaustion springs instantly to mind.
16:02Oh, I don't know. Not as far as it looks.
16:05Yes, well, I must say your finger looks surprisingly fresh.
16:08Eh?
16:09Eh, what about paddling uphill?
16:11Uphill?
16:12Well, you know what I mean. The opposite way to are your freewheel.
16:16Freewheel.
16:17Listen, I want you to promise me one thing.
16:19That you'll keep your mouth shut if we meet any sailors.
16:22Oh, don't worry, Ducky. They're all yours.
16:30First thing we want is some wheels on this thing.
16:33Oh, will you keep it, Step? You're doing most of your walking up the back of my legs.
16:38I can't see what your legs are doing.
16:40Oh, this is a mugs game, this is.
16:43On a day like this, they'll be saying,
16:45why have those three fellows got that umbrella up?
16:49Kindly keep an eye on Shorthouse.
16:51We don't want any passengers.
16:53I could get used to canoeing. It's no worse than malaria.
16:57It wears your cap out.
17:02Now, just a sharp flick with both rudders.
17:05Don't you lay a finger on me.
17:09Mobility, you see. You couldn't go through here with a cabin cruiser.
17:17No, no, no, no, look. Wait, wait for me.
17:20Oh, come on.
17:30Look, why don't you go on without me?
17:34I'll bring my end on labour.
17:43I think we struck a rock.
17:47I don't know why it should be my destiny
17:49to have for a crew
17:51a pair of left-handed,
17:53barmyard-footed, untwisted,
17:55swivel-brained idiots.
17:57Well, nobody's perfect.
17:58...
18:04Hold it down.
18:11Now forward.
18:13Watch your butter.
18:15Watch your butter.
18:16Hold it.
18:17Now then.
18:18When I say the word,
18:19I want you to give her a good shovel.
18:22Now!
18:24Oh, you...
18:25Nosey great necks.
18:27What did you go and do that for?
18:28You said shub off.
18:30Only till she floated.
18:32I didn't say let go.
18:34You let go.
18:35I was watching a bottom.
18:37I can't see to everything.
18:39Of all the dozy things to do,
18:42how could you do it?
18:44It was easy.
18:45We just went shub.
18:49Look here, don't just lay there.
18:52Don't just sit there.
18:53How are we going to get it back?
18:54Whistley, you're a figure of authority.
18:56You'll have to wade in and fetch it
18:57and you can get nautically knotted.
18:59You have the wellies on.
19:00They've got tools in.
19:03I wonder why you wore them in the summer.
19:07I'm surrounded by inefficiency.
19:10And nettles.
19:14Get that corner, you dozy fellow.
19:16Can't you dare?
19:24Hey, old kid.
19:25Do you think he's doing this right?
19:27I think he must be.
19:28He's keeping dry.
19:30Trouble is, he's got deformed short arms.
19:33Remind me of future to surround myself
19:35only by people who conformed at standard
19:37to the brigade of guards.
19:39Come on.
19:51And those are don't like kites.
19:54Don't worry.
19:55We'll be dropping you in a minute.
19:57He ain't quite good in there, isn't he?
19:59He had difficulty with the glasses on.
20:01You'll be all right.
20:03I won't be as all right down there
20:04as you are up here, shall I?
20:06You will.
20:07By the time we've lowered you,
20:09your feet will be nearly touching the damn thing.
20:11And if you miss,
20:12nobody's going to shout at you.
20:18Now, go careful.
20:20Careful!
20:22Stop wriggling!
20:24You're swiping me back along this bridge.
20:27Eat still.
20:28We're doing all the work.
20:30All you've got to do is
20:31tangle down there and enjoy it.
20:34Oh, there.
20:36I split my trousers.
20:37Just keep your eye on the ball
20:39if you're barbting the expression.
20:41Steady now.
20:42Eat still.
20:43Here she comes.
20:44Now, drop him on the count of three.
20:46One.
20:47I'm back again.
20:48I resign.
20:49I demand the need, cow.
20:51Two.
20:52It's the simple pleasures that are best.
20:54Three.
20:55Ah!
20:57You fool!
20:59You mess!
21:02You great pair of nitty-headed,
21:06flat old fucking,
21:07twisted-headed,
21:09fucking big...
21:10spitt...
21:11Oh!
21:15I told you you were spitting me along that bridge.
21:19You've ruined my complexion.
21:23Well, I wouldn't say that.
21:25It still...
21:26It still looks better than your face.
21:30Look at this.
21:32Oh, my shirt's all wet.
21:34Well, you don't expect to go canoeing and not get wet, do you?
21:38That's like trying to have a honeymoon by telephone.
21:41I don't know if you're still dry.
21:43We haven't started yet.
21:45But we shall all be kitted out properly with suitable equipment for the job.
21:51This man thinks of everything.
21:52Our clothing, meanwhile, will be stowed in waterproof plastic containers and ride in the boat perfectly dry.
22:02Do I hear cries of this man is a genius?
22:06What suitable equipment, Cyril?
22:10Leave it all to father.
22:23Hey, I love you like these little fuckers.
22:26They've been all along the well, these.
22:28Yeah, they're might a bit tight now, but keep the good old.
22:31Listen, Cyril, we're not going anywhere we're likely to be seen.
22:35No, we must have been miles off a beaten track.
22:38Come along, then.
22:41Now, then, when I say lift, I want you all to lift.
22:46Are you ready?
22:47Yeah.
22:47Lift.
22:48That's it.
22:49Oh, she goes.
22:51Lower it.
22:51Lower it gently.
22:53Well, I'm now forward now.
22:54Right.
22:55Steady pace.
22:56You think the almighty really sees everything?
23:01Keep moving.
23:09Hey.
23:10Hold it gently.
23:12Don't bounce on it.
23:14You're not strangling one of your ferrets.
23:16I don't strangle me, ferrets.
23:18Well, I didn't, till I put this jam, Mr. Man.
23:21Go on, Jackie, just sit down.
23:22Are you driving?
23:23I shall steer from the rear.
23:25Oh, you need where your brains are.
23:28Your best of it, Chips, Clegg.
23:29Oh, it's kind of you to say so, Cyril.
23:36All right, Joe.
23:37Go outside now.
23:38Okay.
23:47The dearest you'll get to Cambridge is a day's trip.
23:51Oh, this is our dilly.
23:58What's your word?
24:00That's right.
24:01Squeeze the last blob of enjoyment out of it.
24:04Lyrical Philip.
24:06Have you no soul, man?
24:07Doesn't this mean anything to you?
24:09Don't you feel...
24:10The right twit.
24:12Oh, don't you start.
24:13Am I surrounded by the untoucher?
24:15I don't feel natural on threats.
24:18That is natural.
24:20Not for a lad from Arbitration Street.
24:22I want my jacket on.
24:24I've got no place to put me fags.
24:26Well, no, where I feel comfortable.
24:28Get some sun on your flesh, man.
24:30I was like a young bronze gazelle in the Far East.
24:34Oh, what?
24:34They're only like long-legged ferrets.
24:36Well, we're not bronze, Cyril.
24:39We're more like three plastic bottles of milk.
24:42And who is going to see us out here?
24:50Hey, look, that's a blue whale goat.
24:54Hey, who's got the humpback whip, then?
24:58Here, get on.
24:59Hello, Cyril.
25:18Hey, hold it.
25:18Hey.
25:18Nice.
25:28Hold it, don't get out until you've got a firm clip of this rope.
25:56Hey, have you got a firm grip of that rope?
25:59Ah, okay.
26:36Well, the fool got a hold of the wrong rope.
26:39It was there, don't give it, Toby.
26:41I bet you dropped it and swapped it, you potty little hermit.
26:44Look, let's face it, when it all boils down, you're just an incompetent great bog-hole.
26:49No, no, no. Credit where it's due, it's entirely due to Cyril that our clothes are still dry.
26:56The fact that they're floating halfway to Bridlington by now.
27:00All we have to do is to catch them up.
27:02It's not flying that fast, is it?
27:03How did we win him, Berber? He must have been on leave.
27:06We never had any leave, our lot.
27:08We was doing the rail-fighting.
27:11The rail-fighting signals.
27:13Jindits, you little hobgoblin.
27:16This lad here, penetrated, single-handed, the defences of some of the toughest unmarried mothers in number six sanitary death
27:25of Macclesfield, isn't it?
27:27Come on, we haven't got all day.
27:30That was the very password he used.
28:06All right, Lord Nelson, is that a rubber digger you've got inside your costume or a spare
28:11tyre? All right, don't panic. If I'm going to have to go home dressed like this, I'll
28:18lead you back a quiet way. Come on.
28:32Come on.
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