- 16 hours ago
Last Of The Summer Wines S03 Ep3 The Great Boarding House Bathroom Caper
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00:26I'll see you next time.
00:35Oh, I am looking forward to it.
00:37A weekend by the sea.
00:39Salt air in your lungs, sun on the water.
00:42Sand in your sandwiches.
00:44I refuse to be discouraged by that cynical attitude.
00:47You're looking forward to it just as much as I am.
00:50When I called for you this morning, you were whistling.
00:53Well, I'd just opened my electricity bill.
00:56Oh, you were happy.
00:57She was not so loud.
00:59Nobody admits to being happy these days.
01:01They'll think I'm weird.
01:04Exercise.
01:05And the world is full of social reformers.
01:07And nothing irritates your social reformer more than finding some damn fool who's happy.
01:12No, exercise is all you need.
01:14I don't keep this figure by accident, you know.
01:17There's not a cloud in the sky.
01:19It'll be all right if this weather all seems...
01:20Oh, aye.
01:21We should be able to sit here all weekend in the brilliant sunshine,
01:24waiting for that Gordon to turn up with his blasted minibus.
01:27Now, let's take Ivy, for instance.
01:29Now, Ivy is very steady.
01:32Now, you wouldn't catch her doing anything reckless, like being happy.
01:37He'll be here in a minute.
01:39Gordon won't let us down.
01:40Well, the only time I've ever really been let down is when some fool agreed to stand as me best
01:44man.
01:47Hey-oh.
01:49Hey-oh.
01:50Foggy's gone again.
01:53Foggy?
01:54F-F-Foggy?
01:56Huh?
01:56What is it, Foggy?
01:58Ah, yes, well, no.
02:00I thought so.
02:02Something's missing.
02:03See, I've been running through my mind an inventory of personnel and effects,
02:06and I am sure there is something missing.
02:09Is that compel?
02:10That's...
02:11What time does he think he's going to get himself here?
02:13Well, I've told him, oh, 900 hours.
02:15I mean, I gave him explicit instructions, written down in simple terms for the average idiot.
02:19Of course, he has to turn out to be an above-average idiot.
02:23In the whole universal complex, probably my favourite class of people.
02:28Well, if he can't get himself here on time, I propose we go without him.
02:31You can't abandon the man.
02:34Don't you have to train him?
02:35After all, he is a human being, life for the use of.
02:38I would like you to know that you have just won the Norman Clegg Award for Outstanding Services to Human
02:44Lunacy.
02:46We're not going without anybody.
02:49Get yourself in holiday mood.
02:50We're going to enjoy ourselves for a weekend.
02:52Are you sure you locked that back door?
02:54You sent me to lock that back door 33 times.
02:57I was up, been up since 6 o'clock this morning, just locking that back-blasted door.
03:02Yeah, leaving me to do all the packing.
03:04Packing? It's more like unpacking.
03:05You can't take them.
03:06I've got no room for them.
03:07I haven't got an inch of room to spare.
03:09Then she opens her mouth.
03:12I heard that.
03:13And I've been hearing that for the past 30 blasted years.
03:16Now, give it a rest, woman.
03:17You're on holiday.
03:17Oh, we are.
03:18In fact, Gordon ever gets here.
03:19Boggy, how come you've got all your postcards before we even get there?
03:25They're cheaper, yeah?
03:26What a reckless holiday spirit.
03:30I don't intend to be taken for a ride.
03:33Just as well if you're depending on Gordon.
03:35Oh, where the hell is he?
03:38They're all the like, his lot.
03:39They're great useless heaps.
03:41I quite like their Arnold.
03:43Oh, he's just soft in the head.
03:45Well, the older I get, the more I seem to like dozy people.
03:49Mind you, you get a lot of practice round here.
03:52Oh, give me a razor-sharp intellect any time.
03:55Oh, I will the minute I find one.
03:58Hey, what's the dozy about there, Arnold?
04:01I'm the one looking married with me eyes closed, don't I?
04:03I did not wish to imply, Sidney, that you weren't dozy too.
04:07Oh.
04:09That's all right, then.
04:10Good material, Sidney.
04:11If the weather is warm, the sort of person you could safely go paddling with.
04:15I'm looking forward to seeing that next jatter.
04:18Paddling? I didn't know he did.
04:20He's coming now. Come and have a look at me.
04:22Hey, where have you been to now?
04:23Come on.
04:23Time to.
04:25Oh, God, just look at him.
04:28Now, why is it he never cuts the sort of figure you see behind a regimental band?
04:32He's more of an elastic band.
04:34There he is, then.
04:36Hey, Sid, get a hold of that.
04:38Oh, God.
04:40I thought my people who travel like that, don't you?
04:43Well, right on me, Sam.
04:44You wouldn't believe he was the Duke of Devon, she wouldn't.
04:46Oh, or the Duke of Wellington, Mike.
04:48Hey, where are you going with my wellies?
04:50Well, it's a matter of survival, isn't it?
04:52Oh.
04:53You wouldn't need this cardboard box.
04:56I've got my best brown hat in there.
04:57I'll do what you squash.
04:59But this isn't the sort of rubbish that normal people put out for the dustbins.
05:02I mean, why did you fetch all this?
05:03We're not going on safari.
05:05Look at him, look at him, standing there like a bossy giraffe.
05:10Ah, you can't ruffle my iron self-control.
05:21Dobbs.
05:22Hey, look at old twinkle toes.
05:25He's trousers are halfway up his nostrils.
05:27Hey, get your hands off my leg.
05:29I'm not going away if it's going to be one of them sort of holidays.
05:32He looks like a ventriloquist dummy, doesn't he?
05:35Well, only when you pull the string.
05:37Got the gear.
05:39Got the gear.
05:41Well, that's enough of that.
05:42I'm glad to see you've made some sort of effort.
05:45Oh, ta.
05:45You look like a National Health gigolo, but at least you've tried to improve yourself.
05:48Sir.
05:49Yes, I like...
05:51Don't touch that.
05:52The dog.
05:53Oh, come on.
05:53What are you doing?
05:54You've got a proper handkerchief.
05:56Oh, do you want to borrow it?
05:57I've got to be there.
05:58Here we are.
06:00Put it away for heaven.
06:01Put that away.
06:03It might come in handy if you have to clean a bicycle.
06:09Oh, that is my aftershave.
06:12It's very subtle.
06:13I suppose if you ask for the large size, you'd get a tanker.
06:16That's dead masculine.
06:18It's called biceps.
06:20Smells more like footsteps.
06:22It's an athlete's aftershave.
06:24Yeah, I could imagine they'd have to sprint a bit fast if they were wearing that.
06:29Biceps, which obviously means half of forceps.
06:33That is, a pair of tweezers with only one prong.
06:36Now, that could take a bit of getting used to.
06:39And this is going to take a bit of getting used to, too, which, of course, explains why it's called
06:44biceps.
06:45It doesn't explain why you were late this morning.
06:46I told you.
06:47Oh, 900 hours.
06:48Oh, get him.
06:49He's up again.
06:49The Fuhrer, he's up again.
06:51This holiday is going to be run on schedule.
06:53I couldn't help it.
06:54I was running around at the last minute trying to find somebody to leave me ferrets with.
06:59Couldn't you have organised a ferret sitter yesterday?
07:02Why didn't you come to somebody who can organise?
07:04I would have applied a tactical brain to the problem.
07:06Well, I honestly have been with Nora Batty.
07:08But when I went next door, whoop, no Nora Batty.
07:12It seems to have gone on holiday and all.
07:13It is a holiday weekend.
07:14People do go away.
07:16They do if the flaming bus ever comes.
07:18Ah, and I see how I've is in a nice holiday spirit.
07:21It's nice of you to come.
07:23Oh, give us a kiss.
07:23Come on.
07:25Hang on, the bus is here.
07:26Ah, come on.
07:27Right.
07:28Hey, Norman, can you bring my case?
07:31I'll take it.
07:31Nobody bring my case, please.
07:33I've got it.
07:34You want the straight as well?
07:36I'll take it off.
07:37Hey, I'm good, Norman.
07:39I'm good.
07:40Are you facing the right?
07:41Can you face it on?
07:42I'm good.
07:55I hope you lock that back door.
08:13You great prongless folk.
08:16This holiday is going to be run on schedule.
08:19You're going to be cool.
08:21Go on.
08:22Get up, girl.
08:23Go on.
08:39Go on.
09:30Hey, how far is it to Scarborough now, then?
09:32I don't know.
09:32Just a quick one while gone.
09:34Watches his hands.
09:35I must say that the landlord looks very smart,
09:39which I take always to be a sign that the beer is going to be a mite untidy.
09:44It doesn't matter. We're on holiday.
09:50It does matter a little bit.
09:53Sea Haven is a superior private boarding establishment,
09:55only a short walk from the beach.
09:58How about a swim every morning before breakfast?
10:01How about it?
10:02How about it?
10:03You all right? I've got by myself.
10:04Ah, jolly good.
10:06They don't make them like that anymore.
10:08They never did.
10:09Well, I don't know what all the fuss is about.
10:11How we could all do with that healthy glow
10:13that comes from a body driven to the limit?
10:16I think they'd like to restrain you, Foggy,
10:18in what to me is one of your most endearing features,
10:21a sustained courageous determination
10:23to make a prat of yourself.
10:27That's not nice, is it?
10:28Now, you see what you've done,
10:29Norm, you're putting me in a bad temper.
10:31Oh, well, he's a very handsome prat.
10:34Come on, Foggy.
10:35Who's going on holiday, then?
10:36Little Foggy's going on holiday.
10:39I'll buy you a stick of rock.
10:41I'll buy you a plate of welts.
10:42Oh, don't carry on like that.
10:44You remind me of my Auntie Blue Belt.
10:47Of course, she didn't wear as much scent.
10:49Well, this place seems all right for the Mem Sarves.
10:52I think it would be a good idea
10:53if someone went out and escorted Ivy in for a drink.
10:57That's a second stupid idea.
10:59He's had in less than a minute.
11:00Maybe it's a gift.
11:02Hey, listen, where's that Gordon gone?
11:04Do you think he's got stuck in them toilets?
11:07Look, if he can drive a bus,
11:08surely he can steer his way through that simple operation.
11:11Perhaps he's having trouble with his clutch.
11:15I mean, after all, he must have been out there for about...
11:17Let's see about...
11:19Hey, look.
11:20That's very space-age.
11:22Have you been balancing your payments again?
11:24Our elders' club, still in a week.
11:27She's in for a nervous Christmas, then, isn't she?
11:29How many fizzing dials has it got?
11:31Oh, it's not only a watch, you know.
11:33That is a miniature calculator.
11:35How?
11:38I'm not sure about that yet.
11:40What time is it, then?
11:43Well, it's...
11:45If you're a balloonist, it tells you how deep the water is.
11:49That's useful, isn't it?
11:51And it's water-resistant.
11:52Oh, I can see where that would appeal.
11:54Biceps.
12:03Where do you think you'll go?
12:04I'm trying to keep the beer off me jacket.
12:07Are we going to have this performance all through the weekend?
12:09Are you going to be elbowing me over the weekend?
12:11You're going to insist on a certain standard of behaviour.
12:13Oh, that's a typical Tory remark.
12:14Well, I've seen your table.
12:15I don't care.
12:16I don't care.
12:17I don't care.
12:17I don't care.
12:18Excuse the running battle.
12:21Only this gentleman is a stickler for etiquette
12:24and writes for the catering corps, Argus.
12:27And this gentleman isn't and doesn't.
12:29Will you have one, landlord?
12:31Not one of them two, I won't.
12:35I did really mean a drink.
12:38He's a bit starchy, isn't he?
12:39What do you expect, the way you carry on?
12:42He's probably spent all his life
12:43trying to build up a decent clientele here
12:45and you walk through the door
12:47as though the public health acts had never been thought of.
12:49Now, listen, I should very likely give you a bell round here.
12:51Good till the bay of Gorda.
12:54About time, too.
13:04Nice toilets.
13:07Well, you can stay here if you like, Gordon,
13:10but we're going on to Scarborough.
13:12Yeah.
13:12It doesn't matter.
13:17I'm glad you can stay here.
13:20Good for you.
13:20Bye.
13:24Bye.
13:25Bye.
13:26Bye.
13:28Bye.
13:29Bye.
13:32Bye.
13:38Bye.
13:41Bye.
14:01How about that, then?
14:03Smell that air.
14:05Fish and chips.
14:06And then they say there's no poetry in him.
14:09Yes, well, it might look peaceful now, but the German Navy shelled it, you know, in 1914.
14:14Ah, yes, but I should think they'd have finished by now.
14:17What time's I time?
14:20Ask the striped gentleman in the short trousers.
14:22He's got the most informative watch in the world.
14:29Oh, look, your Gordon's made friends already.
14:38Oh, look.
14:57Oh, look.
15:07Watch that!
15:11Oh, my God.
16:02Oh, my God.
16:05Oh, my God.
16:06Don't do any training like I do.
16:08Oh, it's a pull up that stairs.
16:12Five fluttering flights.
16:14Oh, well, at least it's only one flight down to the bathroom.
16:17Oh, well, once the red mist starts clearing from in front of your eyes, it's quite a nice room.
16:28Well, I think I'm going to have a rest and I'm going to tackle them stairs again about Wednesday.
16:36Oh, the place is on fire.
16:38Oh, that's lunch.
16:39You mean lunch is on fire.
16:42Means it's time to eat.
16:43Well, that's a daft way to carry on.
16:45Why don't they shout like anybody else?
16:46That man, walk.
16:47Don't run.
16:48Well, it may not be far to the beach, but it's a perishing long way to the dining room.
16:52Courage.
16:53It's downhill all the way.
16:57Ah.
16:58Yes, well, I thought that was very palatable.
17:01Oh, well, we're still in Yorkshire, aren't we?
17:04It's not as if we've gone abroad like that damn fool Anderson from Wurtley Street.
17:09Where did he go then?
17:10Liverpool.
17:13He said the water was drinkable.
17:16Oh.
17:28Have you finished?
17:30Yeah.
17:32How about a refill, love?
17:33No, thanks.
17:34I haven't time to sit, sup, and tea all day.
17:43I hope everything was all right.
17:46Oh, yes.
17:47Oh, yeah, very good.
17:48We were just seeing how very nice everything was, Mrs. Chaffer.
17:52Seldom have we received such service.
17:55Oh, I'm glad.
17:57I wish she'd call me Rose.
17:59Oh, Rose.
17:59I do try.
18:01It's all right now, of course, early season.
18:03But I get very flustered when we're full.
18:08Mabel's a treasure.
18:11She looks as if she's been dug up.
18:19What the devil are you up to?
18:21Well, as when they booked the chop, I thought to take a few scraps up for the seagulls.
18:26Yeah, don't feed seagulls.
18:27They're like vultures.
18:28They'll have your arm off.
18:29Or in your case, your sleeve.
18:31No, and anyway, they've got very primitive internal arrangements.
18:34It'll go straight through them like a drainpipe, you know.
18:37And be deposited in the space that I have mentally reserved for hanging out my trunks to dry.
18:41Oh, yeah, it's the Gestapo.
18:43What?
18:43Oh.
18:53God!
18:54Does he eat the bones and all?
18:56Oh, yeah, I know.
19:07Right on.
21:07It must be difficult climbing back out. I mean, especially if you're shagged out after a fire.
21:16Hey, I think I saw a Winkle.
21:18Don't you know?
21:20Not really.
21:22You've got it a flash.
21:24Never mind. They take too much training to make good pets anyway.
21:28What are you talking about, you dozy fur?
21:32Winkle training.
21:35They need a firm hand.
21:37What about affection?
21:39Rubbish.
21:40I've known more Winkle's ruined by overpapering than any other course.
21:46Hey, look. My shoes are going green.
21:49From outside or in?
21:52Outside.
21:53It must be the rocks.
21:55Oh, that's life, you see.
21:57You start off in the morning full of hope, and by tea time, your shoes are going green.
22:04Oh, is that the time already?
22:07Oh, don't bother rolling your sleeve up for half, then.
22:09If it were only here for a weekend...
22:43Well, this is very pleasant.
22:46You know, I must confess to a feeling of growing optimism about this holiday.
22:50It wasn't you on the bridge that night, was it?
22:53Steering the Titanic.
22:55I refuse to be discouraged.
22:57Now, things are looking up, you know.
22:59He's been exposed to my civilising influence, and it's beginning to pay.
23:02He's been exposed in all sorts of places in his day.
23:05I'm looking forward to seeing his best brown hat.
23:09Have you had a peep at his socks lately?
23:12Do you know, I knew there was something I meant to do.
23:15Come on, Foggy, we can't cram everything into the first day.
23:18You might be pleasantly surprised, I was.
23:21You know, I came away firmly convinced that the only way to make the knights tolerable
23:25would be to banish his socks to the fire escape.
23:27And with that in view, I approached them gingerly,
23:30and I turned them over with the sharp end of my combination ruler and spirit level.
23:34You've got a nerve, Foggy, I'll say that for you.
23:36Only to find that they are brand new and relatively harmless.
23:41And what is more, his feet are clean.
23:46You don't think he's been sneaking off and having a paddle?
23:51No.
23:52It's my belief he's been washing them.
23:55The whole world is upside down.
23:58And what is more, this is the third time tonight,
24:01the third time that he has been down with his towel to the bathroom.
24:10Are you planning on being there every time I go into the bathroom?
24:14Oh, I can't promise to be here every time, Ailey, love.
24:18You see, I don't get up too early in the mornings,
24:20but I'll catch up bedtime with a little bit of luck.
24:40Early to bed, early to rise.
24:43Make some unhealthy, wealthy and bored.
24:53You are waiting to go in there, aren't you, Uncle Bill?
24:57You must be joking, Gordon.
24:59It's much more fun out here.
25:02Oh, my hand, I'm a stranger in paradise.
25:08My passion from Edmund White.
25:11The girl with the steamy eyes.
25:16Hey, I'm going to like it here.
25:18There's more going on here than there is at all.
25:20He looks like Henry Cooper.
25:23Seems a bit like him, too.
25:25Hey, there's a couple down below, next door to Gordon.
25:28I heard him argue it.
25:29I hope you've not been here, Wiggin.
25:32No, no, no, I was just passing, you know.
25:34You've been just passing quite a lot, haven't you?
25:36How many times have you been to the bathroom?
25:38Oh, well, I just like to sort of get the, you know, the feel of the place, you know.
25:45Well, you know, a thought has just struck me.
25:50What's that?
25:51I think I'll go wash my feet.
25:57Come, nay, my prince will come.
26:13Nora Batty, my own true love.
26:17Oh, God, what are you doing here?
26:19Oh, I love the Nora, I love the...
26:20Don't you come near me!
26:22Have you run away from him?
26:23Have you left him in the lurch?
26:24No, I've left him in the bedroom.
26:26Oh, listen to me, listen to me, Nora.
26:29Me cup runneth over.
26:31Looks as though yours is spilling out of it.
26:32Oh!
26:35Ah!
26:36Ah!
26:38You'll be all right tonight, Wally.
26:52What's wrong?
26:53Shush.
26:53What?
26:54Shush.
26:55Shush?
26:56Oh, I was full of shush a moment ago.
26:59It's usually starting me off.
27:00I keep hearing something.
27:02Yes, of course.
27:03It's some dozy Herbert saying shush.
27:05Listen.
27:07There's nothing.
27:09You forget I have a trained soldier's reflex.
27:11The first crack of a twig and I'm reaching for my bayonet.
27:14Who the hell's going to be cracking twigs up here?
27:17It's haunted.
27:19This place is haunted.
27:21Unless they've got mice.
27:22You mean terrifying, chain-rattling, risen from the grave, mice with fangs?
27:28It's all right.
27:29If you don't believe me, you just listen.
27:33It's in the wardrobe.
27:34It's a seagull.
27:37Well, in the wardrobe.
27:39It's not in there.
27:40It's scratching.
27:41It just sounds like it's in the wardrobe.
27:43Oh, I see.
27:43It does impressions, does it?
27:44It throws its voice into the wardrobe.
27:46I'll go to sleep.
27:48I'm going to investigate.
27:49No, Stanley, Stanley, stay there.
27:51I'll do it.
27:52I'll do it.
27:55I told you there's nothing there.
27:56Call that investigating.
27:58Now, now, now, listen.
27:59Listen.
27:59Why don't we go for a nice, quiet walk along the front?
28:03I bet we could get a seat now.
28:04What's he trying to hide?
28:06Very little from this angle.
28:07Would you kindly adjust your dress?
28:09They've got inside your box.
28:11I don't mind the being in there.
28:13I can't enjoy my holiday if I know there's some poor,
28:16defenceless little creature going to be turned out into the cold.
28:19You don't want mice romping about inside your personal belongings.
28:25It's his ferrets.
28:26He's brought his blasted fangs.
28:28What's with that Harry Cooper?
28:29Get him out of there.
28:30No.
28:32I'm not taking it up there.
28:35I don't care.
28:58I don't care.
29:00I don't care.
29:11I don't care.
29:12I don't care.
29:14I don't care.
29:14I don't care.
29:16I don't care.
29:17I don't care.
29:17I don't care.
29:17I don't care.
29:17I don't care.