- 1 day ago
Last Of The Summer Wines S03 Ep2 Mending Stuart's Leg
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00:31Now I made a very useful contact yesterday for every shoe should be in the market.
00:35for any off cuts of polystyrene.
00:38I don't know how you do it, Foggy.
00:41Being in the right place at the right time.
00:43Hey, let's pop in and explain our rules to the new librarian.
00:52You wouldn't see a fighting man lurching about as clumsy as that, you know.
00:57No, it's all done on the balls of the feet.
01:01He moves with all the grace of a dislocated elbow.
01:05He's just a child of nature.
01:07Do you think so?
01:09Well, they never traced his father.
01:12It strikes me more as a creature of impulse.
01:16Horrible, unsightly ones.
01:23Yeah, go on, go on.
01:28And stay out
01:29until you've learned to conduct yourself
01:32in accordance with the bylaws.
01:34Oh, you are firm, Mr. Wainwright.
01:40You get used to my fierce ways, Miss Booty.
01:44I've dealt with him before.
01:46When I heard I was being transferred back here,
01:49I used to indulge in a little dream
01:51that he might have emigrated
01:53that he might have emigrated
01:54or stumbled in the path
01:56of the path of an articulated vehicle.
02:05I'm glad old Shandust is back.
02:09It's terminology like that
02:10that gets us barred from places.
02:13I never thought I'd see the day
02:14when a Dewhurst was unwelcome
02:16at a seat of learning.
02:20Isn't it nice that old Wainwright recognised you
02:23straight away?
02:39When you come up here, you realise how small a creature man is,
02:44and you wonder why he should be standing on other people's feet.
02:50Oh, sorry.
02:51It's all right.
02:52He's got no control over them wellies.
02:54They're as soft as an old glove.
02:57Very suitable for wearing on the feet, old gloves.
03:02You know, it's so quiet up here,
03:05you could hear the rustle of a fag packet being handed round.
03:09As you're speaking as an athlete,
03:11of course, I don't approve of cigarettes.
03:14Have a peppermint.
03:15I don't smoke peppermint.
03:17Well, if you must smoke at all,
03:19why don't you roll your own like you do your trousers?
03:22I'm in trousers.
03:24Well, I realise you're a socialist,
03:25but you could get yourself another pair.
03:27You don't have to wait for the council
03:28to pull the old ones down.
03:30That's not the idea I've made them yet.
03:32I'm not surprised.
03:33Look at the number of ways he can get in.
03:35Hey, do you think Boggy reckons I'm scruffy?
03:39It's just that he doesn't look beyond the surface,
03:41where you are more or less foul.
03:45Oh.
03:47Hey, Boggy!
03:49Hey, Boggy, do you reckon I'm scruffy?
03:53Boggy?
03:54He's gone again.
03:56Boggy!
03:58Oh, we've got to stand here all day.
04:00Oh, well, we could go back to town and mend Stuart's leg.
04:03What, again?
04:04Oh, well, if that's the way you feel about it,
04:05what do you suggest?
04:06Well, they're always mending Stuart's leg.
04:08I know, I know.
04:09I think it's a challenge.
04:12I'm just about having them on you.
04:14You're going to have to do a simple thing.
04:15You're so poor now,
04:16you're going to have lost us and grow around your feet.
04:19You know, they told me I should have listened.
04:21Morning, sir.
04:25When are you going to fix me that roof?
04:31I could have married anyone of six different birds, you know.
04:35In the early twenties, I had quite a modest range of choice.
04:39During your man's rights to that dinky bird called Watkins.
04:42Well, I'm not exactly through that dinky bird called Watkins,
04:45but we were close.
04:47I should have listened to my mother!
04:49You what?
04:50Nobody had any other choice but to listen to your old mother.
04:53Well, she had you, Tate.
04:56She had me roped and tied
04:57before I could say most of a piece of fruitcake.
05:02Oh, just look at you.
05:04What's up?
05:05You're like a derelict shed.
05:08I thought you'd have meant something of yourself.
05:10Oh, is that all?
05:11The way you were frowning at me,
05:12I thought my flies were undone.
05:16There is no need to be coarse.
05:18We can't all be swarled and sophisticated, you know.
05:20There isn't enough plates for us both to throw.
05:22Oh, you make me that mad, I don't know.
05:25If I had kids...
05:27What makes you think your name's going to be any better doing kids?
05:30You've always had to have the last word, but...
05:32Oh, hello.
05:34Another male person in overalls,
05:36no doubt in a desperate hurry to get back to his honest labours.
05:38Oh, no, there's no rush, love.
05:40I'll bet there's no rush, love.
05:42Take me a notice.
05:43What can we get for you?
05:43I want six wheat pies to take out,
05:45and can you fill me flask?
05:46Of course, go fill his feet.
05:47Don't go pouring boiling tea in that thing
05:49until you've shouted down the hall.
05:51There might be one of his workmates
05:53curled up snugly in the bottom
05:55patting himself the English male siesta.
05:58You know, the one that lasts from nine till five.
06:02Ten and alties.
06:05Yours?
06:06Aye.
06:07Wouldn't it have been quicker just to cut your throat?
06:09Have a go.
06:10I wouldn't say that.
06:11I think you must have nerves of steel.
06:13Well, there's a sense of superiority.
06:15Aye, you deserve a medal.
06:17I stopped hitting her, you know, on moral grounds
06:19when she nearly broke my jaw.
06:21We are at good times.
06:23If I can get three barley wines down there,
06:25it's as if flowers have suddenly started blooming in the desert.
06:28Thank you, guys.
06:29Aye, cheers.
06:32We bring greetings from the great white catering public
06:35beyond the counter.
06:37Has Stuart been in yet?
06:39No, not yet.
06:40Sydney, do you want any off-cuts of Boris's diary?
06:44Well, if ever you do,
06:45you'll just give me the word.
06:48How's your good lady?
06:50Depressing.
06:51She's a bit temperamental,
06:52got a whoop on roof.
06:53Why doesn't she get a weathercock like anybody else?
06:57We've got some slates off of it.
06:59The last big wind.
07:00Just about sums her up.
07:01She's got a nice bust, though.
07:03Uh-huh, uh-huh.
07:05Well, in a roly-poly sort of way, you know.
07:08Well, personally, I thought that last remark
07:10came within a hair's breadth of being bad taste.
07:13And talking in terms of bad taste,
07:15did you know Shag Nasty's back?
07:16Who?
07:17You remember Wainwright.
07:18The left-wing, lecherous librarian.
07:21He spends his days dreaming of revolution.
07:24And his nights dreaming of other men's wives.
07:26Oh, that Wainwright.
07:27So to the date you have been warned.
07:29I should be too lucky.
07:32We're looking for Stuart.
07:33How have you got this idea to mend his leg?
07:35What, again?
07:36Well, some people have loose slates
07:37and some people have loose legs.
07:39Anyway, we welcome a challenge.
07:41Do you want a cuppa?
07:44Um...
07:47Not that sort of a challenge.
07:49Well, you'll have to diffuse my tea as fast as that.
07:52At least you tend to be tempted and think about it.
07:55Mm.
08:25You've never had his hands scratching feverishly
08:27at your back kitchen window
08:28when he knows your husband's out.
08:29Oh, that's true.
08:30I'm sure we would have remembered.
08:34Yeah, look, I said some back will not be e-night.
08:39One night?
08:40Well, it was upside down.
08:42Oh, my place still is.
08:43Why don't you pop in with a neighbourly feather duster?
08:46Oh, look at them wrinkle stockings.
08:50I'm going to stop insulting me
08:52unless I does something about them legs.
08:57It makes a point very fluently with that handbag.
09:01She used to be gay enough as a lass.
09:04I blame her husband.
09:05He put her right off, man.
09:07Of course it couldn't be that she finds you scruffy and repulsive.
09:11I don't see why.
09:13He's quite smart and she hates him.
09:15No.
09:16I just take her on a beat.
09:18Brings a bit of colour into her life.
09:22Sort of muddy brown.
09:26Hey-ho, it's Stuart!
09:28I think he knows.
09:29Would you mind not yawping out in the street like that?
09:32Isn't it marvellous?
09:33The only thing he never tears is his vocal cords.
09:36I read in the paper
09:37that people who speak soft
09:39are below average in their love life.
09:44That's rubbish, is that?
09:48And we're quite unmoved by that sort of silly.
09:52Hello, Stuart!
09:53How's the lake?
09:54Let's have this.
09:56Wildly undisciplined.
09:57Good.
10:02That used to be a knee I could rely on.
10:04It's taken me all over.
10:07Didn't it make any difference
10:08the last time we tried to jerk it straight for you?
10:10Oh, yes.
10:11For three days, I was in intolerable pain.
10:15Right.
10:16So, obviously, traction is not the answer.
10:19Well, if it's only a cartilage,
10:21maybe you should have it operated on.
10:23I'm not having MacPherson cutting me.
10:25He's only just lost his licence.
10:28That were for driving.
10:30Not for surgery.
10:32When he has gate posts half a mile apart,
10:34he still can't miss with a mini-thousand.
10:37I don't feel inclined to let him loose
10:39with a knife inside my knee.
10:41Yet he has this beautiful chalk-striped suit
10:44which must inspire a lot of surgical confidence.
10:47He took our Annie's appendix out.
10:50That's more believable
10:51than anybody taking your Annie out.
10:55She misses the Yanks.
10:57She didn't miss many when they were here.
11:00She could have gone to a ranch in Texas.
11:03So could Ibbotson's pony.
11:05I imagine Texas as a kind of very large quarry.
11:09I'd go there tomorrow.
11:11Can we have that in writing?
11:13Yes, for a visit.
11:15Oh, yeah, well, it would be for a visit, wouldn't it?
11:16I can't see you fleeing the long arm of national assistance.
11:20Have we come here to discuss my leg, or haven't we?
11:24You are right, Stuart.
11:25We are here primarily on behalf of your leg.
11:30Where does it hurt, Stu?
11:31Yes, show us.
11:32Ah, well, there.
11:35Ow.
11:36Ow.
11:40It's diagonally across the centre, you see.
11:43Just, er, just about there.
11:55You see, he's got an extra lump.
12:00Here.
12:00Now, have you got an extra lump here?
12:02Not as long as I know.
12:06No, I haven't got an extra lump.
12:07Have you got an extra lump?
12:08No, no, have you got an extra lump?
12:10No, I haven't got a note, but to tell you what I have got, I've got a haricot vein.
12:17That's a very pretty colour, isn't it?
12:19This may be like an ordnance survey match.
12:20What the hell's going on?
12:22There's a time coming in.
12:24No, it's just to say that, er, Stuart seems to have this extra lump.
12:28I used to think they'd make my customers feel at ease.
12:31Haricot should have one.
12:32It's not contagious.
12:34No, it's just a simple mechanical...
12:39Treacherous, evil-minded, badly lubricated, mess of bone and griffle.
12:44Sorry, curry's off.
12:48But I'm going to master it.
12:50Ah, that's a spirit, Stuart.
12:51Can't go through life with an undisciplined leg.
12:54Now, what I want to know is, if this is your left leg,
12:58when you turn round, why isn't it your right?
13:02I don't mind putting it a much frivolous as an observation,
13:05but to me, the wonders of existence
13:08are to thrive in such little mysteries
13:11as white as ivy staring at us through that hatch.
13:28Yes, well, I see there's been another failure in Soviet agriculture.
13:32Yes, we, er, we should never have destroyed the cool axe.
13:35Ah, it's the green fly, you know.
13:38It'll be dark by nightfall.
13:42You're never going to find a ladder stuck there.
13:45I've got a seat of the customers, haven't I?
13:47Not right up their legs, you are.
13:49It's very...
13:54Hey, Seth, have a feel of his knee.
13:56Not likely.
13:57Go on, he's got a loose lung.
14:00Just flunked him out like that.
14:01Well, you watch.
14:02When I press his knee, his mouth opens.
14:04Now watch.
14:08What's your diagnosis?
14:10Ah, it wants pushing back with a warm teaspoon.
14:15Teaspoon.
14:15Teaspoon.
14:16Teaspoon.
14:17Teaspoon.
14:20How warm a teaspoon, Doctor?
14:22No warmer than a fine old burgundy.
14:25And when have you had a fine old burgundy?
14:27Never, but your patient's entitled to a bit of bedside manner.
14:31Doctor?
14:32Yes?
14:32Will you stop the click?
14:34Click?
14:35Click?
14:36What click?
14:37You've never mentioned a click.
14:39Ah, you didn't say nothing about.
14:40Like, you sure you don't mean a clunk?
14:42No, a click.
14:44Oh, a clunk click.
14:45Every time.
14:47Every time I walk.
14:50Oh, well, we'd better have a listen to this, then.
14:52See, then we might be able to diagnose it better.
14:54Now, Stuart, I want you to walk up and down quite naturally,
14:59and we'll listen.
15:00But he clicks, I tell you, he clicks.
15:02We believe you, Stuart.
15:04You look like the sort of man who might easily have a click.
15:07Well, I ought to know if the damn thing clicks.
15:09Yes, well, right there, Stuart.
15:11Now, look, we'll listen to it.
15:12We'll get closer to it.
15:13Now, let's get her some chairs.
15:14We'll sit down and listen to it, Stuart.
15:16That's it.
15:17Come on.
15:18There you are.
15:21All right.
15:24There, right, then.
15:24No, wait, wait, wait.
15:26Right, go now.
15:27Come to now.
15:28Right.
15:29Right, then.
15:32Where is he?
15:33Oh, he's there.
15:34No, come on, come on.
15:35Get around the end and walk up and down like a toad.
15:38Come on, buckle.
15:38Pull yourself together.
15:39Now, listen.
15:40Yes, all right.
15:48Right, don't you do make it?
15:50Oh, God, what a waste of perfectly good clicks.
15:54Me uncle had this leg.
15:56Just the one.
15:58He used to click.
15:59What was it?
16:00Death watch beetle.
16:02In his leg?
16:04His wooden one.
16:07I know, Sid's cuff, we'll be able to say.
16:10The bijou sophisticated night spot.
16:12We used to go there and listen to Stuart's clicks.
16:15Oh, they don't like clicks like that anymore.
16:18Listen, we'll be able to say.
16:21They're playing our click.
16:23I've made no clicks from champagne.
16:25That's right.
16:26If you're not interested, I shall take me clicks somewhere else.
16:31Oh, no.
16:31No, it's all right, Stuart.
16:32We'll kneel down.
16:33Come on.
16:34Kneel down.
16:34And then Stuart can pass within a fraction of an inch of our ears.
16:38I think ears are very interesting.
16:39Have you ever thought that if they were more square, how the corners would tend to cut the pillow?
16:49Well, I just thought I'd mention it.
16:53He left it out one night.
16:59Who left what?
17:01His wooden leg.
17:02Me uncle's ear.
17:05That's what beetle got in.
17:08Sawdust all over the bed.
17:12Can we get on now?
17:14Well, this is the last time.
17:16I'm not walking up and down here clicking for you lot all day.
17:19Come on, come on.
17:20Get on now.
17:24Come on.
17:30Come on.
17:51Clickety-click.
17:52Get on now.
17:53Get out.
17:57Women's lip.
17:58You think we need an act of parliament to be the equal of you lot?
18:02Oh, it makes me poorly.
18:04The only distinguishing factor about the male sex is that he's got more in his trousers than he's got in
18:09his head.
18:11What he's got in his trousers, it can keep for me.
18:14We need to think of the kaep.
18:21I could see.
18:23We get it.
18:26We be quiet.
18:28Look.
18:35We see.
18:36We look.
18:41We look.
18:42We got to see.
18:44We look.
19:10It's a little less long if you have a decent lunch.
19:12I'll take you to a little place, I know.
19:14I usually bring sandwiches.
19:16We'll have those at tea time.
19:18You've got a big appetite, Mr. Wainwright.
19:22A man of colossal appetites, Miss Booty.
19:33Hey, you could be lucky, dear.
19:36Hey!
20:01Put me down! Put me down!
20:06I can't! I'm stuck!
20:08It's heavy enough without you swinging about on it.
20:13I didn't expect you to stick it up my jumper, did I?
20:16Close your mouth before it gets wedged in there.
20:18Come on! Up again!
20:21Oh! Oh, Minnie!
20:24Minnie! Minnie!
20:25Oh, God! Now what?
20:27Oh, this is not the highly trained, disciplined body of men I'm used to.
20:31Do you think Stuart's trying to tell us something?
20:34Lift! Lift!
20:36Oh!
20:37That's that way.
20:41That's good.
20:54Hold it still. I'll nip up and have a look.
21:07Watch out!
21:09I am.
21:10So don't let go.
21:11Oh! Don't let go.
21:13Oh, come down. Come down.
21:16Let somebody else have a go.
21:20Oh, I hate to see human beings shaking like a jelly.
21:24You look like a breath of springtime, Sidney.
21:26Everything's coming up green.
21:29Hold this ladder, will you?
21:31Don't go swanning off, catching cigarettes or scaring cemetery inspectors.
21:34I'll show you how it should be done.
21:36Oh, get on up and let's have less rattle.
21:54Are you showing us?
21:57Hold the ladder, will you?
21:59Oh, did you...
22:01Just hold it still.
22:09What was that?
22:11Did you hear that?
22:13No, no.
22:15See, I...
22:15No, I was doing fine, you see, until I heard it crack.
22:21You know, it cracked.
22:25No, I distinctly heard it crack.
22:28Crack?
22:29Oh, crack!
22:30Oh, crack!
22:31Oh, that sort of crack.
22:33No, it's a good crack.
22:34A sharp crack.
22:36Well, there's no sense in being foolhardy.
22:38No.
22:39You're not fooling anybody.
22:42All right, all right.
22:45Now, at this point, the strict dictates of military planning require that we send in reserves.
22:51We'll let Clegg have a go.
22:56Stuart, it's at times like this that us cripples must stick together.
23:15I like to eat where the people eat.
23:17Not of this bourgeois rubbish about napkins and a wine list.
23:20I couldn't agree more.
23:22I love the people, Miss Moody.
23:24Oh, so do I.
23:26So do I.
23:31This is delicious tomato ketchup.
23:33It's made locally.
23:34Is it?
23:36I knew we'd have certain things in common.
23:39I'm glad you love the people, too.
23:41How can one not?
23:43After all, we're not barbarians.
23:46You know, I used to dream of leading them into a better society.
23:51Maybe you still can.
23:53There's so much paperwork.
24:00Now, a little leadership and initiative, and there we are.
24:05Safe as houses.
24:07Now, we take the rope, round the telegraph pole, we chuck the end over the roof, and we attach
24:11it to whichever volunteer is going up the ladder, and he's got a safety harness.
24:17He can't fall.
24:20Not only that, but a gentle drive forward or reverse will raise or lower our roof repairer
24:27to the exact, precise spot he requires to be.
24:41Calidism is a wasteland in which we search in vain for spiritual values.
24:46Me, too.
24:49Have you ever been to Red China, Mr. Wainwright?
24:52No.
24:53Most weekends, I have a run into Huddersfield.
24:58I've heard of it, Mr. Safe.
24:59Yeah, well, it reminds me of that cowboy film where they rode back into town and found
25:03that poor devil struck up on the road.
25:05Good, man.
25:05You're waste, not that, isn't it?
25:06Old way.
25:07Old way.
25:11Old way.
25:12Old way.
25:25What the place?
25:27He's drawing all around here.
25:31You great useless prawns!
25:46That's it now.
25:47The other one.
25:48That's it.
25:48It's easy.
25:49That's it.
25:50Right now.
25:51OK, though.
25:58It's quite safe.
26:00Look, I'm here.
26:03Remember, you're going to earn yourself a few pounds tax-free.
26:07Money grabber.
26:13Go round and tell him to take up the slack.
26:19Go, go, go!
26:35Come on!
26:38Go, go!
27:40Oh, shut up. You're all right.
27:44All right? I was going up and down like a yo-yo.
27:49I think it suits you, going up and down.
27:52I was scared.
27:53We were thinking about you.
27:56Nobody asked the fool to disappear over the roof.
27:58Huh?
28:00Let's stop for a day.
28:02Well, it'll do until you come up with something better.
28:09Nope, it's up again.
28:11Hey, no, but...
28:16Oh, you'll not be laughing when we're attacked by this vicious, drug-crazed motorcycle gang.
28:48Oh, you'll not be laughing.
29:13Oh, you'll not be laughing.