- 2 days ago
Last Of The Summer Wines S02 Ep5 A Quiet Drink
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00:08Music
00:22What a splendid day it's been.
00:24We've covered some ground.
00:26Oh, shag.
00:27Listen to it.
00:28We've exposed him to the wonders of nature and that's his response.
00:32Pure poetry.
00:33It's been red hot.
00:36Do yourself up then and keep it in the shade.
00:38Ah, me zip's got stuck a bit.
00:40There's no choice.
00:42I get this terrible dream that he'll start streaking.
00:45I wonder why the Lord made us with spouts like a kettle.
00:49I mean, why not a small grain plug, for instance, in both feet?
00:53Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
01:00Holy God!
01:01Did you see who that was?
01:03At the mouse, he's off the foam.
01:05To spread a little misery.
01:06Mind you, he makes a beautiful job of it.
01:09Something it does even better.
01:11Not paying for a drink.
01:12Has he ever been known to stand around?
01:15Only job I ever seen him feeling in his pocket was when he caught himself on corner at table.
01:27Listen, it's not bank holiday, is it? Are they letting the idiots out now on weekdays as well?
01:44How many times have I told you not to do that? I thought you'd never wake up. Bring on.
02:06There you hope, he's at it again. Look, why don't you buy us in a pair of binoculars if all
02:11you want to do is stare through glasses?
02:12I'm only looking. There must be 40 pubs round here. Why don't you go and upset one of them?
02:18Hello, Marian. Evening, Harry. Give us a port and lemon, will you?
02:21Where's Ted? He's in your toilets. I think his nerve's gone.
02:26How's he going? The driving, I mean? Don't ask.
02:31There was a right nasty smash-up on Halifax Road to the knee.
02:34Well, it weren't me. I don't do them all. Just them round here.
02:37Blood all up at road. I bet it weren't mine. I've never known they spill a drop of out.
02:44A pint, Ted. Aye.
02:46Not too full, Harry. Me hand's still shaking.
02:50Look, I'll get it. I'll buy me own.
02:54Huh? Well, it shows. Every cloud has a silver lining.
02:59What's up?
03:02You ready for one match?
03:04Er, oh, aye, aye, just about, aye.
03:19Oh, aye.
03:19Come on, get your money out.
03:21There we go. Here's that bloody car that nearly did for us.
03:25Exactly!
03:26Come on.
03:41Hey, I've got it.
03:43I don't know how you could wear that overcoat in weather like this.
03:46Good coat is this, kid.
03:47Look at them shoulders.
03:48Cost a few slices, did this?
04:00Ah, good evening, Tina.
04:03Allow me.
04:04Thanks.
04:14He's an uncouth peasant.
04:17That's a lady you've just been handling, sir.
04:20You mustn't go by the trousers.
04:22You don't see men wearing shoes like that.
04:25Not unless they're young liberals or somewhat.
04:28I'm talking about an husband.
04:30At Apache she's married.
04:31Danny?
04:32Danny.
04:34He may kid you it's Danny.
04:36Haven't you seen the pigmentation of the skin?
04:38That sitting bull the poor woman's trotting after.
04:41But he was born round here.
04:43Was he?
04:44Well, don't rattle any tomorawks, that's all I say.
04:52There we are.
04:53Put that away somewhere and don't go less than it about.
04:56Oh, God, I thought you had me fingers there for a moment.
04:58I'll look after it.
05:00There's more where that came from,
05:01providing you keep your eyes open and your blabber shut.
05:04I didn't actually hit anybody.
05:06Well, don't get too depressed.
05:08There's always going home.
05:09I'm changing gear better.
05:11The more positive, that's true.
05:12Mind you, so you should be.
05:14You're using both hands.
05:15Empty glass already.
05:17So have I.
05:18I wonder how that happened.
05:20And a splash of dry ginger.
05:21It kills taste.
05:23I can watch bubbles.
05:26Oh, we covered 15 miles today.
05:29Maybe with legs your size.
05:31Mine have only done about 12.
05:34You enjoyed it, haven't you?
05:36Oh, I wouldn't have missed it for all the tea in me left armpit.
05:40He's got no instinct for landscape or scenery.
05:43If he can't eat it, drink it, smoke it or pocket it,
05:45he does not wish to know.
05:47Only because he's uncouth and insensitive.
05:50That's it, Gnome.
05:51Tell him.
05:51Simmonite stock, you see.
05:53If they'd been Springer Spaniels,
05:55the Kennel Club would have put the blocks on their strain years ago.
05:57How less would have made a good gundog.
05:59He went out every night looking for a bang.
06:03What have we got to do with him?
06:04Like I'd give him a fag.
06:06Is it all right?
06:08Take two.
06:09The way your breathing sounded coming out that last hill
06:12made me realise that I shouldn't begrudge you the odd cigarette.
06:16You're not trying to live forever, are you?
06:18No, but the bloke's got to have some ambitions.
06:23Hey, up now!
06:24Can't stop now!
06:27He must have just remembered something.
06:29Mind you, at his age, there's not enough happening to keep reminding you.
06:32As old as he looks,
06:34it's just that he's such a misery.
06:36It's a pity there's not a competition for it.
06:38We could enter him.
06:39At Bantamweight.
06:40And with a good trainer, they'd be unbeatable.
06:43Some of us have a sense of seriousness.
06:46Responsibility.
06:47It's just natural selection, that's all.
06:49Working in its mysterious way.
06:51Choosing its leaders.
06:52All right, then you can kiss me if you want to.
06:55Isn't he magnificent?
06:56I'm tall with it.
06:58And he's going to bar the next round.
06:59It's all molecules.
07:01My feelings exactly.
07:02If you've got the right molecules in the right place,
07:04that's all that counts.
07:05Well, seeing as how you woke my molecules off today,
07:08what's about the next round?
07:10I haven't finished this yet.
07:12Well, stop dragging your feet.
07:14Some of us have to proceed at a series of small swallows.
07:18We haven't all got a mouth connected to a main drain.
07:22What's up, mouse?
07:23Couldn't you find it?
07:24Oh, his beer's off again.
07:25I don't care what he says.
07:27I've been drinking beer for 50 years.
07:29No wonder you were in a bit of a rush to get through that door.
07:36A man could get a real sense of achievement
07:39if he could persuade mouse into buying a round.
07:43Oh, you've got a hope.
07:45Oh, it's...
07:47Oh.
07:48Oh.
07:48There.
07:54Hey, up, Barry.
07:55Save again, please, and don't get the glasses mixed up.
07:58More than my piece of mind's worth wondering which it is.
08:01It should be the one with the frog spawn.
08:05Oh, there.
08:06It's stomped.
08:07Which is more than going to be said for your insurance cards.
08:10Yeah, don't get bitter.
08:12I don't buy this, Danny.
08:14Oh, why's that kid?
08:15Well, supposing the owners reported it missing?
08:17Yeah, give us a dear.
08:21She's all right, aren't you, Tina?
08:23Oh, I'm all right.
08:24Got me musical box.
08:26China Shepherd.
08:28It's a boom night.
08:30A what night?
08:31Boom night.
08:34Ah, so stay there now drinking till she falls over.
08:37Boom.
08:39Happens every few months, don't it?
08:41It's Granny's pot clock.
08:43Ah, normally she has a couple of beers,
08:45but every now and again, boom.
08:47How's this, then?
08:48What if I throw and churn?
08:49How will you flush the toilet?
08:53Time.
08:57Oh, yeah.
09:01Hey, oh, come on now, you card players.
09:04Let's have some drinks in.
09:05You don't just come here to sit all neat and enjoy these ends.
09:08Sorry, Harry.
09:18Come on.
09:20Come on.
09:24Yeah, you've got to drop a beer.
09:27Come on.
09:28I've got to drop a beer.
09:35Come on.
09:36It's a bit stuck up, ain't it, that goat?
09:38What's the drop?
09:40Hey, I wonder which side he's wrong, Carl.
09:51There's no chance.
09:53I'd do better try to persuade this old lass to buy a drink than Mouse.
09:57That's not a fair comparison.
09:59She's nicer natured than Mouse.
10:01And it's no good trying to shave him into it either.
10:04You could sit there all night with an empty glass in front of you,
10:06and he wouldn't bat an eyelid.
10:08Well, that lord would do.
10:09Takes a cool nerve to sit in Harry's pub with an empty glass.
10:13Me mam used to keep a couple of little pigs.
10:15Aye.
10:16You and your fillis.
10:17You'll know better.
10:18Looking at the problem objectively,
10:21I think the answer is that we've got to calm Mouse into buying us around.
10:26It's not because we're thirsty.
10:27It's all part of a search for a new experience.
10:32You don't get bacon like you used to.
10:34Do you mind not talking about bacon when she's listening?
10:38Have you no tact?
10:40Pigs can't, do you?
10:42Of course they can.
10:44They used to use them for ass dogs during the Middle Ages,
10:46and even later down Finkel Street.
10:48They can't understand what you say.
10:51Down Finkel Street, of course they can.
10:53They just don't take any notice, that's all.
10:56Yeah, pigs can't understand.
10:59How do you know that pigs haven't got intelligence?
11:01You ever seen one at university?
11:03No.
11:03But you will be doing,
11:05if they lower the standards much further.
11:07What we've got to do,
11:09is to kid Mouse that he's got second sight.
11:12Then, when we've turned his thoughts towards the future,
11:16we can introduce the subject of the next round.
11:19Ha ha ha!
11:19Oh, frightening to death!
11:21But if we convince him that he's got the gift of foretelling the future,
11:24we can say to him,
11:25Mouse, I'll bet you can even tell us
11:28who's going to get the next round.
11:31Ha ha ha!
11:34Ha ha ha!
11:40Ha ha ha!
11:42It's there.
11:44It's there when you get the light on it.
11:47I thought I noticed it when he was talking to us.
11:50Notice what?
11:51Of course, you can't be sure at that distance.
11:53Aye, it's as clear a one as I've ever seen.
11:58I can't see out with a lot of nasty red veins.
12:01What's up?
12:02What is it?
12:03Do you think he doesn't know?
12:05Must do.
12:06Bound to know.
12:07Know what?
12:08Not bound to.
12:10Be fair, he's sick, the nose.
12:13Here, have I got something in my eye?
12:14It doesn't hurt.
12:15Have you got something in it?
12:17Just the sign of the vessel of ancient wisdom, that's all.
12:22You what?
12:26What's up with it?
12:28I know I ought to wear me glasses, but it makes me out to tickle.
12:32I think you've got lovely eyes, Mouse.
12:34For your age?
12:36Get off!
12:37We want you to disregard our original diagnosis.
12:41We've decided it must be a mistake on account of a misreading of your pupils, which are a bit tricky
12:46on account of being more of a sort of Danish blue or even camembert.
12:52What have I got?
12:53Well, nothing really.
12:55What do you think I've got?
12:57The sign.
12:59What sign?
13:00Of Nostradamus.
13:02Of second sight.
13:03Of course, it's probably only a legend anyway, like Mrs. Broderick's logic.
13:08Hey, you.
13:09She'll have a mirror.
13:12Hey, come here.
13:13Listen, if he asks you, if he has anything in his eye, the answer, little grimy goblin, is yes.
13:19What sort of things?
13:20A barely noticeable pattern in the retina in the shape of a coiled serpent or an old inner tube.
13:27Ah.
13:28Oh!
13:29Oh!
13:30That rotten thing!
13:31Oh!
13:31Hey, I hope he's got sensitive shins.
13:33Oh!
13:34Well, there's no meat on him, is there?
13:36Oh, it's terrible.
13:37That's good enough for me.
13:38That practically confirms it.
13:39Oh, don't be daft.
13:40There's no connection between me shins and me eyes.
13:43When you banged it, it made them water, didn't it?
13:46LAUGHTER
13:53What am I looking for?
13:54The philosophers say happiness, by which they imply that instinctive yearning after the good
14:01life that leads men to the back door of number 15 Sackville Street, or did till the constabulary
14:06closed it.
14:07Hey, dealer.
14:09What do you do with your lipstick?
14:11Oh, must have lost me mirror.
14:15Well, I only borrowed it.
14:20Well, God, and Mouse didn't get us very far, did he?
14:25No, but we've planted the seed.
14:27We've planted the seed.
14:29Ah, and I noticed that he didn't offer to water it, either.
14:32I told you, we wouldn't get anywhere, with Mouse.
14:35We've got to leave him for a while.
14:37Let the idea simmer.
14:39Let him get used to the thought that he's a prophet, and not just an ordinary, average,
14:44pain in the butt.
14:58Hey, can you see out in that eye?
15:03I'll buy thee some vinegar.
15:04Vinegar?
15:05What for?
15:06That's playing like a prawn.
15:07Like a snake, or a serpent, or something.
15:11Look, I thought they'd got a bit of grit in your eye.
15:13I wouldn't have been poking around your unsolicited eyeballs if I hadn't thought it was an emergency.
15:18No, it's like a birthmark.
15:20You only have it if you have second sight.
15:23That's hardly got any first sight.
15:25That's as blind as a bucket without the glasses.
15:29That's very kind.
15:30I've just lost one of these.
15:32I don't know, Danny.
15:34There's Pigswill, and there's Pigswill.
15:36Why, but this is quality stuff, my old love.
15:38Plenty of solids in it.
15:39You could eat your son.
15:40And it will be doing if he yells at me any more.
15:43I don't know, Danny.
15:44I'll tell you what.
15:45I'll fetch the sample.
15:47No.
15:47It's not far away.
15:48I'll come with you.
15:49No, be still.
15:50Be still.
15:51I'd like to keep it my secret, until you've paid me a bit of introductory commission.
15:57Show me many minutes, lass.
16:02Hey, Harry.
16:03Summer's just dropped off your bar.
16:08Oops, a-daisy.
16:09Hey-o, Barry.
16:10Same again, please.
16:12Right.
16:12Hey-o.
16:13Oh, hello.
16:14Hello, Tina.
16:15Hey.
16:16Hmm?
16:16Nobody else can see it.
16:18Oh.
16:19Well, er...
16:20Why don't you come over here into the light?
16:23Folks can't see if you're lurking about in the shadows.
16:26Who do you think you are, Dracula's apprentice?
16:29Oh, yes.
16:30Yes, I'm afraid there is something still there.
16:33Ah, well, I can't see it now.
16:36Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
16:38Come here.
16:41Come here.
16:44Come here.
16:45Come here.
16:46Come here.
16:46Come here.
16:56Come here.
16:57Good evening.
16:58Aye.
16:59It's the simple pleasures that are best.
17:01Happiness is the sum total of the small things.
17:11I must write that down.
17:15How do you spell?
17:19What's a poetical contribution to an intelligent conversation?
17:23Well, don't we, it's only natural.
17:25Natural?
17:26I think it's repulsive.
17:27Ah, but you're not certain.
17:28I am positive.
17:30That's all right, blaming me.
17:32I have three spades.
17:33Three spades.
17:34And a natural flair for dropping them just where they do the least good.
17:37Now, come on.
17:38Be a good loser.
17:38Hey, he has to be.
17:39Look at the bloody practice he gets.
17:42As I was saying, I think it's the simple pleasures that are best.
17:45That's true.
17:46Now, you give us a bag and I'll give you the simple pleasure of listening to the static electricity
17:51in me pullover.
17:52Here.
17:53It picks up bits of proof and all the loose airs off me ferret.
17:58An inquiring mind, you see.
18:00Just like his auntie Beth.
18:02Lovely woman.
18:03Absolutely.
18:04Everybody had a good word for her.
18:06What was it?
18:07Gobby.
18:08That's it.
18:09It was her that started them rumours about the highway superintendent being born out of
18:14wedlock.
18:15Born out of matlock, she said.
18:18It was a misunderstanding.
18:20Good heavens.
18:21Not only illegitimate, but from Derbyshire as well.
18:25She was responsible for more scandalous gossip, that woman.
18:28She liked to take an interest in folk.
18:31Interest?
18:31She stands at their gate that long.
18:33She must be down on the ordinance survey map.
18:36The council have painted her twice, to my knowledge.
18:39I don't calculate everything.
18:41I play by instinct.
18:43Yeah, badly.
18:44They're off again.
18:44Pack it in, you two.
18:46You've just proved you can do something together.
18:48Side by side.
18:49Standing shoulder to shoulder in.
18:51Yeah, and I tell you something now.
18:52That's the first time he's known what he's had in his hand all flaming light.
18:59But she were good to our Barry when he had his accident.
19:02Who was good to your Barry?
19:04Me auntie Beth.
19:05She was also fairly generous to that left-handed bread man, by all accounts.
19:10What, him from Harper Street?
19:11That's the one, yeah.
19:12You wouldn't think there'd be a living in it, would you?
19:15Left-handed bread.
19:17No, I never know, can it?
19:19He just liked to call in.
19:21He liked to do tricks with a pair of gerbils.
19:25And they practically kept them going with yesterday's buns.
19:29When did your Barry have an accident?
19:31Why are you referring to the occasion when he thought he'd wiped his prints off that van?
19:35No.
19:36That was before he went straight.
19:38Inside.
19:39I remember.
19:40Come on, come on, come on.
19:41Oh, my mouse don't know.
19:42She's not a sucker call.
19:43Will you carry in?
19:44Hello, hello, hello.
19:45Is it that time already?
19:47There's more air out here.
19:49It'll do her the world of good.
19:50And these lot can keep an eye on her till her old man comes back.
19:54I'm afraid we're just on the point of leaving.
19:56Oh, Danny will be back in a minute.
19:58He won't leave her for long.
20:00You know, it's really rather touching.
20:01The way he gathers her up in his arms and throws her in that lorry.
20:07Hey, come here, mouse.
20:09You take her back.
20:09Get over, get over, pack it in.
20:12Pack it in.
20:13When they said who's going to look after Tina, I thought, right, mouse.
20:18Now's the chance.
20:19Use the second sight.
20:21So I did.
20:22And straight away, I had this vision.
20:25Of you lot.
20:29Oh, dearie, so you...
20:31Oh, what up, Tina?
20:34You think that's a nasty headache doing that?
20:38There we are.
20:39All right, love?
20:46A quiet drink, he says.
20:48I, for one, do not relish the thought of being responsible for incapacitated females.
20:53For one thing, they sit on your hat.
20:57We've all got our foibles, sir.
20:59I'm not too sure about him.
21:01We should take her back to the bar.
21:02What, boy?
21:03There's no deposit on her.
21:07Oh, my God!
21:20You've got a light, sailor.
21:25God's sake, take it off.
21:26You look like Jimmy Savile's granddad.
21:30Come here, T.
21:32Let's get your skin back on.
21:36Hey, look at that.
21:37It's good as new.
21:38I told you that she didn't bite.
21:42It's just that she, uh...
21:44Well, she just goes boom every few months, you know.
21:47But that don't do any harm, does it?
21:53Well, you can't ever keep banging her head on the...
21:56on the table, can you?
21:59Hey, yop.
22:00Hey, yop.
22:01Hey, yop.
22:02Well, I've just penetrated your disguise.
22:06Underneath that foul exterior, you're really a secret gentleman.
22:13Gerald!
22:14Oh, well, I did.
22:15Well, just throw me jacket on the table.
22:17Now, listen, Daddy Bridges.
22:19That was every bit as gracious as Sir Walter Raleigh.
22:22And you weren't doing it to get your leg in at the palace.
22:27Walter Raleigh, him.
22:29Shut your cake-o.
22:31Oh, very aristocratic.
22:33I know that coat's been down in the mud a few times, but he's always been wearing it.
22:37Somewhere over the rainbow, way up by, there's a land that I heard of, once in a run of a...
22:50A quiet drink, he says.
22:52I told you, you'd get nowhere with Mouse.
22:55Well, he gave us Tina, didn't he?
22:57It's a start.
22:58What have we got to do with her, eh?
22:59I've heard of loose women.
23:01She's not even done up at the seams.
23:03Mouse's car is out there.
23:05Well?
23:06Why don't we put a little...
23:08spoke in his wheel, eh?
23:10Hey-oh!
23:12Personally, I should be glad to relinquish my responsibilities in this matter.
23:17I never feel comfortable with uncoordinated females.
23:22They pen on your shoes and ruin the polish.
23:26She'll be more comfortable in Mouse's car.
23:28Besides, them that give shall also receive.
23:31Suppose it's locked.
23:33Who's going to put a lock in that dumb thing?
23:35Put a piano in the wheel, then she can't fall fine.
23:40Ooh!
23:41Wheeee!
23:43Oh, shit, that's a good eye.
23:45Here, hold her up, man.
23:48Yeah, we fix our safety belt.
23:50She'll be as safe as houses.
23:55Oh, we are.
23:57She'll be all right in there now.
24:06Now I'll tell you what we're going to do about Mouse.
24:09We're going to change tactics.
24:11Less of this flanneling about,
24:13we're going to challenge him to a duel.
24:25Now then,
24:27I said something about a duel.
24:30What duel?
24:31A test of cold, naked courage.
24:35We're going to sit here,
24:37under Harry's eye,
24:38the four of us,
24:40with empty glasses.
24:42He'll kill us.
24:45And that's going to be dicey.
24:48Now,
24:48the first one who leaves his chair
24:51gets the drinks in.
24:55What a man is that.
24:57Well, look at the practice you've had.
25:00You're outclassed.
25:02He's confident, isn't he?
25:04Now,
25:04no elbowing,
25:06no shuffling,
25:07right?
25:08The first one
25:09who leaves the precincts of the table
25:12buys the drinks in.
25:15That wants to lose, Mouse.
25:17That wants to prove
25:18that you're not as mean
25:19as folk think you are.
25:21Oh,
25:22but I am.
25:24Don't you worry.
25:26Can't we just sit here
25:27with a drop in our glasses?
25:29No.
25:29We're going to drink them up.
25:31Right now,
25:32every drop.
25:42It's going to be about
25:43ten seconds
25:44before Harry notices
25:46these empty glasses.
25:46He's got that
25:47infrared device
25:48behind the bar.
25:50That's no way
25:51to talk about his missus.
25:55Oh?
25:56What, what,
25:57what,
25:57what shall we talk about?
26:00Anything.
26:01As long as it's not about
26:03that time that Harry
26:04threw them wrestlers out.
26:07What are you doing
26:08with Tina, then?
26:09Never you, mind.
26:12What,
26:12what,
26:14what sets you wondering
26:16is the sheer size
26:18of things
26:19in this
26:20mysterious universe
26:23like the rates.
26:26I believe
26:27that there's
26:28an intelligence
26:28behind everything
26:30and it works
26:32in a very
26:32mysterious way.
26:36Well,
26:36I've never believed
26:38it out,
26:38but I would like
26:40to know
26:40what makes my pullover
26:41sometimes go electric.
26:49who's the clown
26:51pissing round
26:51car park
26:52in your car,
26:53Mouse?
26:53My car?
26:54Your flaming car
26:55came straight at us
26:57when we're in the middle
26:57of unloading a great big
26:58drum and pig squirt.
26:59Come on, you lot,
27:00outside!
27:01Outside!
27:02Don't just stand there
27:03and be all over my carpet.
27:05You didn't leave
27:06your keys in the car.
27:07Why shouldn't I?
27:09Teeter's driving, Teeter!
27:13I'll be three more.
27:15Come on, laddie,
27:16let's have three more.
27:38Hey, hey, hey!
27:39The radio
27:40will go about
27:40those
27:41big cars.
27:55Come on,
27:57I'll justääd
27:58out home!
28:09Get out! Get out!
28:12I'll never get this thing out of this thing.
28:15Come on, come on!
28:16Out, out, out!
28:19My God! My God!
28:21What's she doing now?
28:45Come on!
28:46Get back, boy!
28:47Come on, come on!
28:49Here it is!
29:27I want you to stay down here!
29:28See you later!
29:31Everything will hang in the star